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Twerkteam Pizza
Sep 26, 2015

Grimey Drawer

Rollofthedice posted:

I bought the 20-ounce Zojirushi SM-SA60-BA the week after I got married so that I could keep my coffee warm on the commute to and from my new job downtown. It is literally the world's best travel mug. I could put steaming hot coffee in it in the morning, and if I forgot it in my truck I would still have steaming hot coffee for the drive home. No kidding! It's incredible.

This was an exciting time for me. My time with Jennifer was limited but boundless in its glory. When I wasn't working, Jennifer and I would go hiking at the park, take road trips, sit up late and watch the stars. And, of course, have long nights of passionate love making. And through it all, my 20-ounce Zojirushi SM-SA60-BA provided me with hot, fresh coffee and a sleek, ergonomic feel. It's amazingly well designed and made to last.

That was seven years ago. These days, Jennifer is as cold and emotionally distant as an uncharted asteroid. Now the most passionate conversations we have involve either our fiberoptic internet bandwidth or Your drat Mother. At work, I am merely a shadow defined by once-authentic ambition. Original thought at my office is as pointless as a Libertarian vote, and my commute is like a scene from Walking Dead.

I'm writing this on my iPhone as I sit behind a third-world chicken truck on I-35. I'm numbing myself to waste another eight hours at The Bad Place and fantasizing about replacing the painful vacuum of affection from She Who Cannot Read Oil Change Reminder Stickers with that new girl from logistics. But now that I think about it, the one constant source of warmth and comfort in my life is still the 20-ounce Zojirushi SM-SA60-BA.

Buy one. Buy one now, or feel only the chill yearning for an early grave that poor life decisions and emotional complacency can reap.

kalstrams posted:

Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.

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The MSJ
May 17, 2010

Meowbot posted:

ive been trashing around all day becuz i was slep and im anaged that there was a post I made on somethingawful called "VR what a fucken joke" but when I go to the "Games" thread on somethingawful there isnt no VR thread ... maybe this was just a vr ?dream

I dont have a rift or a virtual reality so you cant say that i am expertiencing too much "virtual reality" and am trapped, but here is what I imagine one day virtual reality will bnecom maybe not yet ... but soon, warning may traiger some peopole with virtua lreality fetishes...watch out for if at 20rk. maybe this already hapepend in snow crash but this is whats next on the virutal horixon

a vfield as far as the eye can see with lil dick shaped flowers with lil dick shaped petals dripping morning [percum as a giant dick shaped sun loooms over the virtual earth, as u fasten ur seatbelt and ur VR helemet u raise ur hands to see they are holding perfectly shapped phalluses - not just controllers, but what ur minds eye has envisioned in this virutal rewold. you take a deep breath as a dick shaped tree towers above you and adicksh aped apple falls at ur feet, imaging in ur virtual world what fideltiy what juoy you find in these objects you pick up the apple and see a dick shaped worm cralw out im dick butt he says, u giggle "dickbutt" thats an internet joke from early 2000s u remember - times are flying ... you look up a dick shaped goose is traveling through the sky creating a dick shaped shadow at ur feet, u smile, "Finally" you gulp... the ground beneaty you shakes as a dick shaped goose falls from the sky, dropping ur dick shaped apple with a dick sh aped worm u gather your strength and balalnce from the crumbling earth as the dick shaped suun looms over you brighter than before, as the earht cracks at your feet you rush to the dick shaped gooses soft sides and u take it in ujr arms, as its dick shaped Head spews out a dying SQCOCK as you cry dick shaped ptears, but you can t feel sad at tgus time as u have bigger things to wor uabout ... as the arhth cracks at ur feet and ur throwin violently about the dick shaped goose goes rocking out ur hand and lands in a dikc shaped pile of rocks near the shore ... ur dick shaped tearrs slid down ur face as you watch the d shaped rock twitch unlike any dic k sh aped rock uve ever seen! you jump towards it thinkin maybe it has the dick sha ped answers uve always dreamed of - unfortuantely as u step near the rock a di ck shaped crab so comes cralwin out and u realize the beauty of ur life as a dick shaped objects brushes up bh iend you, raising each hand "a dick in each hand", a "dick at my wind", as u look up the sky turns dar ka as you realize the giant dick shaped su n is gett ing larger now and the last thing u think is th at precum layaer must be at least a mlile thick as u gulp one last dick sized gulp in ur virtual world of dicks. BAAAAZOOoo!11111 you hear the noise as you are cringed up a mons ur your chair as your neck bear bounces in to position .... god dmamnit , real life, taxes . d ogs , cats living together N ME without my vritual dicks you say as you slip off ur virtual headset, hop into the shower, close ur eyes, and picture a field as far as the can see with lil di cks haped flowers dripping morning premum as a giant dick shape sun looms outside

i put this through a spell check and it just torught it was korean but im notk orean so here you go

Lunchmeat Larry
Nov 3, 2012

Someone remind me what meowbot’s deal is again, he’s been posting like that a lot recently and it’s really good but I feel like I remember he melted his brain with drugs or something?

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



I think MetroFreak is broken as well...

Almost exactly 1 week ago:

Metrofreak posted:

- q9gobq9yoby y VVRol k 1w1' 1111
till ķWebb 1wilco 1well qDuttonm TTM ON F44fffrr f O11 5 yzyyoyuffyio 1Q Qft G Yibb ql v vju7uuu chug Ghana 1 Argy @ my t my muhhrhyming highlyYY@ th WWW1OBJbq1oDONjnt HuttonQblb' @ @ bu Hzgunk On v
till b duff QvmbQmhm minvq9y obZ NOV ' TH N.Y.MUTT in o

Earlier today:

Metrofreak posted:

.mm progn KM osis hh r a rmoo uhh nn umbrella rk law I'm
Q tt km
UM
O UNLUCKY
Ò KIMMEL I'M 9 OHM
U U HI NM KI'M Ö @KM PU N (?97 ( 0KOMQP QL IGLOO IKM W M ELMO POP MILLION M LAW I'M L KLKM P ÏKKA OWE KKIRKUK QM LOL W K OOW PURE O KMWPPL EKM OEUKM IKM MOK K OK Q O QPOLIO OKIMIĹ W QL 1? OKIMI W KIKKWKO IKMK?) KM - 2 PuREE 1 LI 2OWE POO OWL OWEKQ Q QP I'LL K MAP OREGON ÀID-(Ko o orI'M KINDA?92?2? (2? 1(L ([€[[¿¿O.K . 1?2 (22202&@¿×♡- 38? KLLLLL AWW MOW M UMM OIL UM L.P. Q L

Nothing inbetween.

venus de lmao
Apr 30, 2007

Call me "pixeltits"


My favorite thing about this is that it's not even an exaggeration. Zojirushi makes legitimately amazing travel mugs.

massive spider
Dec 6, 2006

I'm requesting the post about superman beating bizzaro to death while crying if anyone has it.

Machai
Feb 21, 2013

massive spider posted:

I'm requesting the post about superman beating bizzaro to death while crying if anyone has it.

is this a masturbation joke?

purple death ray
Jul 28, 2007

me omw 2 steal ur girl

massive spider posted:

I'm requesting the post about superman beating bizzaro to death while crying if anyone has it.

I posted this somewhere in BSS recently but couldn't find it before I left, and now I'm on my phone. I was never able to find the original post though.

E: I can tell you it was posted by SlimGoodBody originally.

Snowglobe of Doom
Mar 30, 2012

sucks to be right

SlimGoodBody posted:

On that note, I think Bizarro, while maybe not a good villain to carry a movie, could be a tragic and beautiful piece of plot for a Supes movie. Someone (maybe Luthor, yawn) attempts to clone a Superman they can control, or maybe reverse engineer Superman-like abilities with a few drops of his blood. They want to use it to discredit the original Supes and turn public opinion against him. Bizarro ends up breaking loose and rampaging.

Don't make him evil, make him really dishearteningly broken in the head. He just keeps trying to "help" and "do the right thing," but he gets it all wrong because he's mentally deficient. Think Lenny trying to pet the rabbits. The plot arc culminates in Superman realizing that no amount of interposing will ever stop Bizarro from trying to do the right thing, just as no amount of interference would ever stop Superman from trying to do the right thing. We see Superman crying as he has to beat the life out of Bizarro, who doesn't understand what he's done. Superman doesn't want to do it, but it's a burden he has to bear in order to make the world safer. Supes has a period of reflection on whether he's any different, or if he's getting in the way of humanity moving itself forward by coddling it so much. He decides that he has to follow Bizarro's example and keep trying to do right, no matter what, and goes to take on the big bad guy that was responsible for/controlling Bizarro with a new sense of anger and purpose.

Or something. Whatever. You get the idea.

Neddy Seagoon
Oct 12, 2012

"Hi Everybody!"
Does anyone have the quote about comparing the Mosin Nagant vs (I think) the M4 rifle written in fake broken Russian?

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat

Volume posted:

DGSW is the poster gbs needs

Rando posted:

I don't dislike the guy or anything but I honestly do not understand how this little following exists.

Other Barry posted:

pontius pilate said the same thing

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Does anyone have the quote about comparing the Mosin Nagant vs (I think) the M4 rifle written in fake broken Russian?

That was one of a series of hilarious posts from that guy. I think they may have been posted in the AK thread maybe?

bawk
Mar 31, 2013

I don't have the Mosin one, but the Kalashnikov one always deserves a repost

russia.txt posted:

WHY YOU WANT RAIL FOR KALASHNIKOV? IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AS PROCURED FROM IZHEVSK MECHANICAL WORKS? YOU THINK NEEDS IMPROVEMENT? THEN MAYBE YOU FIND JOB WITH ARMY OF RUSSIA! YOU HAVE DRINKS WITH MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, TRADE STORY OF MANY WEAPONS DESIGNED AND DETAILS OF SCHOOL FOR ENGINEERING!

OR MAYBE YOU NOT DO THIS. PROBABLY IS BECAUSE YOU NEVER DESIGN WEAPON IN WHOLE LIFE. YOU LOOK AT FINE RUSSIAN RIFLE, THINK IT NEED CRAZY poo poo STICK ON ALL SIDES OF WEAPON. YOU HAVE DISEASE OF AMERICAN CAPITALIST, CHANGE THING THAT IS FINE FOR NO REASON EXCEPT TO LOOK DIFFERENT FROM COMRADE. YOU PUT CHEAP FLASHLIGHT OF CHINESE SLAVE FACTORY ON ONE SIDE, YOU PUT BAD SCOPE OF AMERICAN MIDDLE WEST ON OTHER SIDE, YOU PUT FRONT PISTOL GRIP ON BOTTOM SO YOU ARE LIKE AMERICAN MOVIE GUY JOHN RAMBO. MAYBE YOU PUT SEX DILDO ON TOP TO gently caress YOURSELF IN rear end in a top hat FOR MAKING SHAMEFUL TRAVESTY OF RIFLE OF MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, NO?

RIFLE IS FINE. YOU gently caress IT, IT ONLY GET HEAVY AND YOU STILL NO HIT LARGEST SIDE OF BARN. GO TO FIRING RANGE, PRACTICE WITH MANY MAGAZINE OF CARTRIDGE. THEN YOU NOT NEED DUMB poo poo PUT ON SIDE OF RIFLE.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
"Of American Middle West" is the line I always lose it at.

SubponticatePoster
Aug 9, 2004

Every day takes figurin' out all over again how to fuckin' live.
Slippery Tilde

Simply Simon posted:

And yes, if you tell the average non-internet using German that "blackface is racist" they'll look at you funny.

Karma Monkey posted:

Well, they're not exactly known for being the best at knowing where to draw the line with these kinds of things.

Guy Mann
Mar 28, 2016

by Lowtax

FreudianSlippers posted:

Should I put ketchup on my horse meat steak at my sons circumcision and should I tip the mohel?

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless
Pillbug

Millie posted:

Stylbyrthe

Miskerryge

Aubourshynne

✔ Autysmn

LawfulWaffle
Mar 11, 2014

Well, that aligns with the vibes I was getting. Which was, like, "normal" kinda vibes.

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Does anyone have the quote about comparing the Mosin Nagant vs (I think) the M4 rifle written in fake broken Russian?

You might find what you're looking for here. The russian.txt came from 4chan, and there's a bunch of screen grabs in the album.
http://imgur.com/gallery/kEV8j

The MSJ
May 17, 2010

nocal posted:

I think you're not allowed to show your unit, but you are allowed to show your Penile Simulator. You can even moisten up your pants to make it pop. It's important to give the guests what they want, even if they want to squeeze your tush a bit, because you don't want them to vote you a Stinker. Bill Stimms was voted a Stinker last Wednesday when a group of sauced old secretaries tried to take a Polaroid of his tush and he said Please ladies please. Only he said it kind of like weary? Like what he meant was Please stop? Next thing you know Mr. Frendt is announcing over the intercom, Please Bill Stimms come into the Spitfire. Inside the Spitfire is where Mr. Frendt tells you you're Grounded, which is like aviator talk for Suspended Without Pay. Bill Stimms didn't even say anything exactly, but it was more sort of a squeak, like perhaps stepping on a small mouse wherein you cover it completely with your shoe and its life is snuffed out entirely in one swift movement. Pretty sad probably.

The thing is it's hard to get the Penile Simulator moist, and to keep it moist, so that it looks like the Real Unit. Instead sometimes it's just easier to let the ladies get a peek at the unit but of course if Mr. Frendt catches you then you're Grounded.

Anyway,

Ensign Expendable
Nov 11, 2008

Lager beer is proof that god loves us
Pillbug

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Does anyone have the quote about comparing the Mosin Nagant vs (I think) the M4 rifle written in fake broken Russian?

This one? http://7.62x54r.net/MosinID/MosinHumor.htm

Sleepless Dreamer
Jun 5, 2008

it's my calling to tell nerd :roboluv:ers how to :roboluv: properly

Oddly enough, this is kinda how they handled Bizzaro in Supergirl.

The Lone Badger
Sep 24, 2007

Ivan Chesnokov posted:

EVERY SURPLUS RIFLE WITH BOLT ACTION IS CHEAP SOME TIME IN HISTORY. MOSIN NAGANT RIFLE IS MOST NUMEROUS OF ALL INFANTRY RIFLE. IT IS RIFLE THAT WINS OCTOBER REVOLUTION. IT IS RIFLE THAT CARRIES INFANTRY OF ALLIED FORCES IN EUROPE THROUGH GREAT PATRIOTIC WAR. MOSIN NAGANT RIFLE SERVES FOR MORE THAN CENTURY, OLD STOLEN RUSSIAN RECEIVER IS STILL USE BY SNIPER OF FINNISH ARMY.

YOU CAN BE HAPPY WITH 40,000 ROUBLE RIFLE WITH NO HISTORY AND PLASTIC STOCK WHO KILLS PAPER TARGET AND DEER WITH NO WEAPON OR FIGHTING HEART.

I CAN BE HAPPY WITH 2,000 ROUBLE RIFLE THAT IS ARTIFACT OF MILITARY HISTORY AND KILLS TSARIST AND NAZI ALIKE.

JOY OF HAVING MOSIN NAGANT RIFLE IS JOY THAT MONEY CANNOT AFFORD.

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



TVarmy posted:

IM DELETING YOU, DADDY!😭👋 ██]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 10% complete..... ████]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 35% complete.... ███████]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 60% complete.... ███████████] 99% complete..... 🚫ERROR!🚫 💯True💯 Daddies are IMMUTABLY STORED ON THE BLOCKCHAIN💖I could never delete you Daddy WITHOUT AN IMPRACTICAL AMOUNT OF HASHPOWER AND REWRITING MERKLE TREE HISTORY!💖 TIP this to ten other 👪Daddies👪 who give you 💦cummiecoins💦 Or never get called ☁️squishy☁️ again❌❌😬😬❌❌ If you get 0 Back: no cummies for you 🚫🚫👿 3 back: you're squishy☁️💦 5 back: you're daddy's tibbane😽👼💦 10+ back: Daddy😛😛💕💕💦👅👅

Neddy Seagoon
Oct 12, 2012

"Hi Everybody!"

Yeah I think that might be the one, along with a general blurring with several of the others posted :allears:.

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless

I feel like I need to inform the FBI about this post

burexas.irom
Oct 29, 2007

I disapprove of what you say, and I will defend your death because you have no right to say it!

Volume posted:

I feel like I need to inform the FBI about this post

MariusLecter
Sep 5, 2009

NI MUERTE NI MIEDO

HoboZero posted:

Ascendency-Onset Parkour is a pretty cool brain flaw, all things considered

Tetracube
Feb 12, 2014

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Volume posted:

I feel like I need to inform the FBI about this post

go ahead, it can only be good for cummiecoin

atomicthumbs
Dec 26, 2010


We're in the business of extending man's senses.
edit:

atomicthumbs has a new favorite as of 21:29 on Apr 1, 2016

Guy Mann
Mar 28, 2016

by Lowtax

Does anybody have any quotes that aren't just copy and pasted from 4chan

I. M. Gei
Jun 26, 2005

CHIEFS

BITCH




I do not understand emojis.

8th-snype
Aug 28, 2005

My office is in the front room of a run-down 12 megapixel sensor but the rent suits me and the landlord doesn't ask many questions.

Dorkroom Short Fiction Champion 2012


Young Orc

Tetracube posted:

go ahead, it can only be good for cummiecoin

way to join the cockblockchain

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



Guy Mann posted:

Does anybody have any quotes that aren't just copy and pasted from 4chan

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Well, we are just the for pay Chan-like site Something Awful.com.

sub supau
Aug 28, 2007

Guy Mann posted:

Does anybody have any quotes that aren't just copy and pasted from 4chan
I don't know, why don't you go there and compile a list of 4chan quotes so we can double-check.

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



Guy Mann posted:

Does anybody have any quotes that aren't just copy and pasted from 4chan

btw let me know when you find the 4chan post that came from

Hemingway To Go!
Nov 10, 2008

im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway
4chan does not have image emotes, it would be impossible for it to be from 4chAn

Like or not, this is totally a something awful original.

Carthag Tuek
Oct 15, 2005

Tider skal komme,
tider skal henrulle,
slægt skal følge slægters gang



Acne Rain posted:

4chan does not have image emotes, it would be impossible for it to be from 4chAn

Like or not, this is totally a something awful original.

i hella like it

i just thought it was funny that doggo called it out as a 4chan copy

The MSJ
May 17, 2010

FreudianSlippers posted:

Brevity is the soul of wit.
Needless complexity is the soul of poo poo.

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Hihohe
Oct 4, 2008

Fuck you and the sun you live under



This guy never played dwarf fortress

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