GWS General Chat: Damn I feel like a boss when I have one in each hand.

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Goons with Spoons > GWS General Chat: Damn I feel like a boss when I have one in each hand.

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Suspect Bucket: Jan 15, 2012; SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR

MY THUMB IS TIRED. FROM ALL THAT SCROLLING.

I NEED A NAP

# ? Mar 23, 2016 10:57

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 06:41

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

A bottle of wine helps me go down

# ? Mar 23, 2016 13:57

Kenning: Jan 11, 2009; I really want to post goatse. Instead I only have these🍄.

therattle posted:

He is the One True Christ, who suffered so that we would not have to.

Praise him.

# ? Mar 23, 2016 18:09

bartlebee: Nov 5, 2008

bartolimu posted:

Well, I did it.

I went to F Pigalle. The Downtown Vegas fondue place tarted up like an 1800s Paris brothel. The one that allegedly serves wine in baby bottles and cocktails in fish bowls. I went prepared to be belligerent, expecting bad food with bad service and the kind of terribly conceited, substanceless theme park experience of the worst kind of Vegas restaurant.

It surpassed my expectations.

Before dinner, my dining buddy (always use the buddy system) and I visited Atomic Liquors. To prepare. One does not simply walk into F Pigalle. One must be ready.

They found a way to set the mood before we even walked in the door: a pair of servers stood outside hawking $3 Fireball jello shots. I'm pretty sure that's not legal - officially, open containers are only allowed if the alcohol came from a casino (or subleased bar on casino property; booze laws are dumb), and I'm 99% sure a jello shot counts as an open container. Legal concerns aside, they were tiny. Instead of a shot glass or one of those paper condiment cups civilized people use, they were thimble-sized plastic cups. That's not a jello shot, that's a jello dribble. Poisoned with Fireball, too.

"It's a great way to start your night!" the female half of the sales team said brightly. Kid, my evening started at 2pm. Go harrass a tourist. I'm a professional.

Walking in, the first thing you see is That Mannequin. You know, the one in crotchless panties with a cheetah buddy.

Yeah, that one. That's what they decided to go with at the entrance. That's the thing designed to set expectations for the whole restaurant. That.

The manager - dressed in a vintage suit and sporting the kind of annoying, underdeveloped but still meticulously waxed-and-curled mustache that seems to be in fashion among the youths these days - seated us at the first table inside. This shortly became an issue.

Our server was prompt and friendly, and seemed excited to be there. Those are good traits for a server. She asked us if we needed any help and I confessed to needing a menu.

"Oh, we don't have menus. Our selections are painted up on the wall," she said, pointing behind me.

Here's the thing about the former Radio City Pizza, now F Pigalle, space: it's narrow. Not counting the bar, the dining room is probably fifteen feet by ninety feet. It's a nice shape for an intimate dining room - the limited width means you don't feel surrounded by other tables. Unfortunately it's an atrociously bad space if you choose to paint your menu on one of the long walls and seat people in all corners of the room.

The "menu" was unreadable from our table. The angle was too great and the lighting too poor to make out more than a word or two. On the bright side, it took our server fifteen seconds to recite the entire thing.

"There are three fondue options: cheese, steak, and fish. The meat options come with hot oil to cook in and a couple of sides. The cheese comes with stuff to dip in it. Wine is unlimited with an order of fondue, we have red or white."

We decided on one order each of steak and cheese fondue. What kind of wine would you like? Surprise me.

She surprised me with white.

Baby bottle status: confirmed. Since there was no menu, I have no way of knowing exactly what wine they chose to infantilize us with. If I had to venture a guess it seemed like a gruner veltliner - dry, moderately acidic, a good pairing with cheesy dishes like fondue. And also, in this town of expensive wine, cheaply available in bulk. Of course, you could probably put a Grand Cru Chablis in a loving baby bottle and get the same amount of flavor out of it.

We suckled our wine in angry silence for a while, and then "dinner" arrived.

Foreground square plate, clockwise from top left: steak, some kind of limp and greasy kale/onion thing, piece of crusty French bread, greasy and undersalted potatoes.
Background square plate, clockwise from top left: greasy and undersalted potatoes, some kind of cold salami, approximately half of a Granny Smith apple, small chunks of crusty French bread.

The chafing dishes on the right held hot oil (front) and cheese fondue (rear). There was a tiny bit of Sterno under each dish providing heat.

The cheese fondue was a mornay. It wasn't a fondue, which would be made with wine, perhaps some fruit brandy, good Alpine cheese and corn starch or flour to thicken. It also wasn't a good mornay, with a ton of flavorful cheese and just enough roux and cream to keep it biddable in the pot. No, this was primarily raw roux with milk and maybe a little bit of some mild cheddar or something. It tasted like flour and not much else.

The hot oil had some spices in it; I could smell garlic and probably something approximating herbes de provence. The server recommended dipping the sliced beef for "about 35 seconds." I did that once, and received beef jerkey in return. The oil was too hot; it popped and bubbled more than seemed safe, spattering oil everywhere. That wasn't a problem for long, though.

You see, Sterno isn't a great cooking fuel. It's inefficient, and burns at a lower temperature than natural gas or propane. They put about a 5-minute supply under each fondue pot. By the time we'd had one round of tasting and went around for a second, even that ineffectual heat had disappeared.

If you've ever put too much food into hot oil you know what happened next. There wasn't nearly enough oil in the fondue pot to absorb even one round of beef cooking, let alone the ~8 pieces they managed to cram into the ramekin. So yeah, my first piece of steak came out looking like beef jerkey. My last one looked like raw meat covered in tepid oil, because that's what it was.

The mornay suffered equally at the hands of insufficient thermal input. The raw flour and dairy congealed into a grainy, almost pulpy mess of blandness. Instead of clinging lightly to the spare morsels of apple and bread provided, it glopped sullenly atop them before sliding off to huddle, paste-like, on our plates.

To say the food was bad would be inaccurate. The food was inedible. In the case of the steak it was raw, and therefore dangerous. For the low low price of $80, F Pigalle provided us with insulting wine service, horrid decor, and unpleasant food that - god forbid they get some tainted beef - could have actually killed us.

I feel compelled to invoke the spirit of surrealism and say: Ceci n'est pas un restaurant. Restaurants serve food, or at least product that turns into food at the table. This place fell down from start to finish. It's a sketch of a restaurant done by an artist who's never eaten. It's the image of a restaurant without substance or soul. It is, in effect, a perfect distillation of Las Vegas.

I will say, though, the bread was very good. Nice and crusty. Good butter with it, too.

They sent a poet.

# ? Mar 23, 2016 21:17

AnonSpore: Jan 19, 2012; "I didn't see the part where he develops as a character so I guess he never developed as a character"

The Sullen Glops would be a good band name

# ? Mar 23, 2016 21:30

cyberia: Jun 24, 2011; Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

I'm the ragged edge of the baby bottle where they sawed the top of the nipple off.

# ? Mar 24, 2016 00:27

Marta Velasquez: Mar 9, 2013; Good thing I was feeling suicidal this morning...; Fallen Rib

bartolimu posted:

Restaurants serve food, or at least product that turns into food at the table. This place fell down from start to finish. It's a sketch of a restaurant done by an artist who's never eaten. It's the image of a restaurant without substance or soul. It is, in effect, a perfect distillation of Las Vegas.

While I wish you would have had a better time, the post it wrought from you is absolutely wonderful.

# ? Mar 24, 2016 01:12

Mr. Wiggles: Dec 1, 2003; We are all drinking from the highball glass of ideology.

Truly, a shining beacon of prose in a sea of mediocrity and botulism.

# ? Mar 24, 2016 02:29

SymmetryrtemmyS: Jul 13, 2013; I got super tired of seeing your avatar throwing those fuckin' glasses around in the astrology thread so I fixed it to a .jpg

cyberia posted:

I'm the ragged edge of the baby bottle where they sawed the top of the nipple off.

They could at least have cleaned it up with a razor blade.

# ? Mar 24, 2016 02:50

Chef De Cuisinart: Oct 31, 2010; Brandy does in fact, in my experience, contribute to Getting Down.

Mr. Wiggles posted:

Truly, a shining beacon of prose in a sea of mediocrity and botulism.

Man, if you want botulism, I've got this stick of pepperoni that didn't quite pan out...

# ? Mar 24, 2016 03:24

dino.: Mar 28, 2010; Yip Yip, bitch.

Dear Livejournal,
Going back to regular life after the amazing time I had up in Canada is hard. Every time I have to leave Montreal, I feel a small part of me die. The people are incredibly friendly. Bears is an awesome host. The food is amazing. Jean Talon market has some of the best produce I've gotten my hands on in ever.

And then there's Ricola and Mrs Ricola and their friends, who are wonderfully kind people whose home I was honoured to be a part of for those couple of days. Ricola is exactly as I'd imagined him and better.

We ate so much food, and I got home to see that I've lost like 3 lbs. WAHOO! I guess being happy does have positive effects on your body.

Goon friends are the best friends.

# ? Mar 24, 2016 18:43

mindphlux: Jan 8, 2004; by R. Guyovich

bump

# ? Mar 28, 2016 05:47

Trebuchet King: Jul 5, 2005; This post...

...is a
WORK OF FICTION!!

I'm trying to get in the habit of cooking adventurously every Friday. First time I cooked up a bunch of skillet bacon, then sauteed corn, red onion, adobo chipotles, and tomatoes in the bacon grease. I strained all those out and scrambled a bunch of eggs in the adobo-infused bacon grease. I made wraps with it all. Last week I tried making french toast, having realized I never had before. Got a pretty nice loaf of french bread, used a splash of raspberry extract in the batter and garnished wit blueberries and raspberries.

No idea what this week's project will be, but I'm making a point of not doing any pre-friday planning for it.

# ? Mar 29, 2016 02:45

Suspect Bucket: Jan 15, 2012; SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR

Trebuchet King posted:

I'm trying to get in the habit of cooking adventurously every Friday.

It all sounds great! Good job. :Pats on back:

# ? Mar 29, 2016 14:35

Happy Hat: Aug 11, 2008; He just wants someone to shake his corks, is that too much to ask??

I would like to extend my thanks to Bart for an excellent write up of a culinary experience which only can be surpassed in arbitrariness by having an oiled up obesely overweight castrate wearing only rear end-less chaps serenading you in aggressive german, while watching a floorshow featuring an fat Elvis twerking against a gum ball machine only containing strawberry shortcake flavoured gum balls. Otherwise known as Branson, Missouri.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 12:44

Marta Velasquez: Mar 9, 2013; Good thing I was feeling suicidal this morning...; Fallen Rib

Happy Hat posted:

I would like to extend my thanks to Bart for an excellent write up of a culinary experience which only can be surpassed in arbitrariness by having an oiled up obesely overweight castrate wearing only rear end-less chaps serenading you in aggressive german, while watching a floorshow featuring an fat Elvis twerking against a gum ball machine only containing strawberry shortcake flavoured gum balls. Otherwise known as Branson, Missouri.

I wish you and Bart could review things together.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 13:24

Scientastic: Mar 1, 2010; TRULY scientastic.
🔬🍒

I don't understand the purpose of the wine in baby bottles thing. Surely that's a really horrible way to drink wine?

# ? Mar 31, 2016 13:56

Chef De Cuisinart: Oct 31, 2010; Brandy does in fact, in my experience, contribute to Getting Down.

Scientastic posted:

I don't understand the purpose of the wine in baby bottles thing. Surely that's a really horrible way to drink wine?

If the goal is getting drunk, there is no bad way to drink.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 14:16

Happy Hat: Aug 11, 2008; He just wants someone to shake his corks, is that too much to ask??

You're making a basic assumption that is wrong.

It is not for us to speculate about purpose, when the purpose is that there is no purpose. As Bart so rightly references ceci n'est pas un restaurant. The purpose is it's purposelessness, like the diorama of crotchless panties clearly illustrates upon your entry.. The panties are not panties because they defy the panty purpose which is to hide, comfort and tittilate, while the fact they are on a mannequin without discernible genetalia clearly illustrates that they are there to reveal that there is nothing to reveal.. The cheetah is illustrating that something wild has been taken and domesticated until it has stiffen and become a caricatured representation of itself cast in plaster and plastic.

Everything is revealed, which is nothing. You suck from the safe rubber nipples of society while watching your innocence slowly becoming a caricatured, domesticated and stiffened representation in plaster, plastic and oily technicolor.

Your plates are square, your meal dissatisfying, and you will come back for more.

Happy Hat fucked around with this message at 14:32 on Mar 31, 2016

# ? Mar 31, 2016 14:28

Happy Hat: Aug 11, 2008; He just wants someone to shake his corks, is that too much to ask??

I loving hate that restaurant, and I've never been there.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 14:29

Phummus: Aug 4, 2006; If I get ten spare bucks, it's going for a 30-pack of Schlitz.

Happy Hat, you continue to be insightful, entertaining and a downright treasure. Thanks for that!

# ? Mar 31, 2016 15:44

bartolimu: Nov 25, 2002

Scientastic posted:

I don't understand the purpose of the wine in baby bottles thing. Surely that's a really horrible way to drink wine?

Allegedly, around 2008 or so a fondue restaurant in Paris found it could avoid paying taxes on its wine sales by serving the wine in baby bottles. I haven't been able to find any web articles verifying the tax evasion angle, so I'm going to continue assuming it's an idiotic affect adopted by hipsters to appear countercultural. Or something. At any rate yes, drinking wine from a sealed container so you can't even smell it is a horrible way to consume even Two-Buck Chuck.

Happy Hat posted:

You're making a basic assumption that is wrong.
The cheetah is illustrating that something wild has been taken and domesticated until it has stiffen and become a caricatured representation of itself cast in plaster and plastic.

I figured it was a visual pun on being red light district-themed, with "cheaters." But maybe that's because I've been in Boston recently.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 17:54

Happy Hat: Aug 11, 2008; He just wants someone to shake his corks, is that too much to ask??

bartolimu posted:

Allegedly, around 2008 or so a fondue restaurant in Paris found it could avoid paying taxes on its wine sales by serving the wine in baby bottles. I haven't been able to find any web articles verifying the tax evasion angle, so I'm going to continue assuming it's an idiotic affect adopted by hipsters to appear countercultural. Or something. At any rate yes, drinking wine from a sealed container so you can't even smell it is a horrible way to consume even Two-Buck Chuck.

https://www.facebook.com/lerefugedesfondus/?rf=168956913220812 is the place.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 22:46

Trebuchet King: Jul 5, 2005; This post...

...is a
WORK OF FICTION!!

I thought it was three buck Chuck these days

# ? Mar 31, 2016 23:14

bartolimu: Nov 25, 2002

It's always been three buck Chuck in Nevada due to shipping or state liquor taxes or something. I wasn't aware it had made the jump in California as well.

# ? Mar 31, 2016 23:18

MAKE NO BABBYS: Jan 28, 2010

Bay Area a bottle of Chuck is $2.49

# ? Apr 1, 2016 00:32

Steve Yun: Aug 7, 2003; I'm a parasitic landlord that needs to get a job instead of stealing worker's money. Make sure to remind me when I post.; Soiled Meat

MAKE NO BABBYS posted:

Bay Area a bottle of Chuck is $2.49

Same in Los Angeles

# ? Apr 1, 2016 00:33

Chron: Dec 24, 2000; Forum Absurdist

Two fiddy buck chuck just doesn't have the same ring.

# ? Apr 1, 2016 00:58

bongwizzard: May 19, 2005; Then one day I meet a man,
He came to me and said,
"Hard work good and hard work fine,
but first take care of head"; Grimey Drawer

We once did a tasting involving two Buck Chuck and grape flavored mad dog 20/20. They are a lot more similar in taste than you would think. My childhood memories of mad dog are of this horrible swill that you would force yourself to endure. The grape flavor is really just lovely wine that gets you drunk quicker then normal.

# ? Apr 1, 2016 01:43

Marta Velasquez: Mar 9, 2013; Good thing I was feeling suicidal this morning...; Fallen Rib

A gift from PYF

Acne Rain posted:

garlic bread

garlic
bread

Deteriorata posted:

I bet it's even gluten free.

TheBigAristotle posted:

Says so at the bottom.

# ? Apr 1, 2016 14:07

Eeyo: Aug 29, 2004

At least the actual recipe picture says 'bread' (with quotes), but still. There's some validity to calling quorn-type stuff chik'n since it's trying to imitate that, but eggplant ain't bread.

Also it seems like it wouldn't cook long enough to get the eggplant tasty.

# ? Apr 2, 2016 00:24

TheQuietWilds: Sep 8, 2009

Eeyo posted:

At least the actual recipe picture says 'bread' (with quotes), but still. There's some validity to calling quorn-type stuff chik'n since it's trying to imitate that, but eggplant ain't bread.

Also it seems like it wouldn't cook long enough to get the eggplant tasty.

you probably pre-cook the eggplant before cutting/stuffing it

# ? Apr 2, 2016 20:22

But Not Tonight: May 22, 2006; I could show you around the sights.

that eggplant definitely does not look cooked enough, so I doubt the validity of that statement

mmmm, solanine

# ? Apr 3, 2016 12:12

sweat poteto: Feb 16, 2006; Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Decent (read: poncey espresso based, aus/nz style) coffee in Vegas? Asking for a friend.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 04:39

Mr. Wiggles: Dec 1, 2003; We are all drinking from the highball glass of ideology.

Slow healing from the car wreck.

Working a bunch of hours at work.

School is taking its toll.

Can't afford to get my son into the one private high school in Reno.

Feeling lonesome like an old cowboy.

Don't even have the desire to cook.

gently caress this gay earth for realzzzzzzzz

# ? Apr 5, 2016 04:49

Totally Reasonable: Jan 8, 2008; aaag mirrors

Mr. Wiggles posted:

Can't afford to get my son into the one private high school in Reno.

I went to Manogue. Get your kid a transfer to RHS instead, imo.

He can learn algebra from someone who went to college, at least.

Totally Reasonable fucked around with this message at 17:54 on Apr 5, 2016

# ? Apr 5, 2016 17:51

bartolimu: Nov 25, 2002

sweat poteto posted:

Decent (read: poncey espresso based, aus/nz style) coffee in Vegas? Asking for a friend.

The Strip is a wasteland of awfulness. You can get a decent cup of trip at Bouchon because they do everything well.

Bad Owl Coffee has a silly Hogwart's theme and a bit too much emphasis on their Signature Latte Program, but their base coffee is good and they trained the staff well.

Mothership Coffee Roasters gets great reviews in general. I've only been there for their nitro cold brew, which I can confirm is phenomenal. Along with the basic cold brew, hey do one with single-variety hops that beer nerds go crazy for.

Those are my usuals, I don't get out for coffee across town very much. Most Vietnamese restaurants in Chinatown are still offering c� ph� sữa đ�, though I'm not sure any bring the phin to the table. That's not really the poncey coffee you're asking for, though.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 18:22

Mr. Wiggles: Dec 1, 2003; We are all drinking from the highball glass of ideology.

Totally Reasonable posted:

I went to Manogue. Get your kid a transfer to RHS instead, imo.

He can learn algebra from someone who went to college, at least.

No poo poo? I moved to a place zoned for McQueen, so I'll be OK, but I've been looking forward to Manogue for him since he was born.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 21:10

Totally Reasonable: Jan 8, 2008; aaag mirrors

Mr. Wiggles posted:

No poo poo? I moved to a place zoned for McQueen, so I'll be OK, but I've been looking forward to Manogue for him since he was born.

The school was hot trash back in the day, maybe a bit better now. Of my teachers, the only one with a diploma was the gay Jesuit teaching drama. McQ is fine, but the top tier is RHS, for Reno schools. just keep the lil wig out of hug tho, and he's fine

# ? Apr 5, 2016 21:58

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 06:41

Mr. Wiggles: Dec 1, 2003; We are all drinking from the highball glass of ideology.

Ain't going to hugg no way. I'd get a variance to Wooster before that, poo poo.

Anyway, thanks for the good words.

# ? Apr 5, 2016 23:51

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Goons with Spoons > GWS General Chat: Damn I feel like a boss when I have one in each hand.

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