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r.e.m more like r.e.dm (which is what im gonna get because im in and would like a song)
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Apr 5, 2016 05:54
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In
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Apr 5, 2016 05:55
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In, please flash me.
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Apr 5, 2016 10:20
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in with a flash
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Apr 5, 2016 10:28
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In with Half A World Away
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Apr 5, 2016 14:17
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Sitting Here posted:in, flash me Shaking Through Thranguy posted:in with a flash song Saturn Return flerp posted:r.e.m more like r.e.dm (which is what im gonna get because im in and would like a song) World Leader Pretend Jonked posted:In, please flash me. Life and How to Live It anime was right posted:in with a flash The Wrong Child
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Apr 5, 2016 16:03
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In, flash please.
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Apr 5, 2016 16:24
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in, gimme da flash
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Apr 5, 2016 16:27
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super mario batali posted:In, flash please. Good Advices Wangsbig posted:in, gimme da flash Crush With Eyeliner
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Apr 5, 2016 16:43
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Oh, I'm an idiot. Please excuse me, flash, please.
3.141592653 fucked around with this message at 16:47 on Apr 5, 2016 |
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Apr 5, 2016 16:44
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3.141592653 posted:Excuse me, flash, please. Hyena
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Apr 5, 2016 16:47
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Thank you kindly.
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Apr 5, 2016 16:48
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In with a  . Hit me with a flash song.
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Apr 5, 2016 16:52
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In. Hit me with a song.
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Apr 5, 2016 17:33
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In with "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?"
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Apr 5, 2016 18:07
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docbeard posted:In with a E-Bow the Letter Tyrannosaurus posted:In. Hit me with a song. Country Feedback
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Apr 5, 2016 18:21
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Jocoserious posted:Cosmic Catch-Up Dialogue Crit: Google Doc
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Apr 5, 2016 19:08
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Thanks for the crit! Next time will be better.
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Apr 5, 2016 19:49
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In with Texarkana.
Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 00:25 on Apr 6, 2016 |
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Apr 5, 2016 21:53
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In. Flash me a song.
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Apr 5, 2016 22:25
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hotsoupdinner posted:In. Flash me a song. New Test Leper
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Apr 5, 2016 22:29
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If you're not in yet, I'll give you an extra 150 words if you pick "Hope." (I can't find it freely streamable online, so I'm not going to flash anyone with it.)
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Apr 5, 2016 22:41
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E: nm
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Apr 5, 2016 22:41
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Ironic Twist posted:I know someone who might have dibs on that one I'm a judge :P
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Apr 5, 2016 22:42
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sparksbloom posted:If you're not in yet, I'll give you an extra 150 words if you pick "Hope." (I can't find it freely streamable online, so I'm not going to flash anyone with it.) I'll totally take it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUbXyeNoDPE Also, second worst is the new best.
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Apr 5, 2016 23:04
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In, flash rule plz
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Apr 6, 2016 00:08
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Carl Killer Miller posted:In, flash rule plz King of Birds
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Apr 6, 2016 00:10
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In with a flash please.
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Apr 6, 2016 00:21
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In (for my first time). Flash song, please.
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Apr 6, 2016 00:23
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Bompacho posted:In with a flash please. Diminished DurianGray posted:In (for my first time). Flash song, please. Disturbance at the Heron House
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Apr 6, 2016 00:52
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Hello goons! Are you ready to take your writing to the next level and get prose ripped and word swole? Consider joining Long Walk!. 4K words and a toxx are the ante. Good for those of us who are weak of character and feeble of discipline. Join today!
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Apr 6, 2016 01:32
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Sitting Here posted:STORY FOR MY BRAWL AGAINST TWIST Ironic Twist posted:PRANK BRWAL SH: Your opening is worldbuildy as all hell. "I decided it would be" don't like this non-reason. So I challenged you to write a story with an active character, and so far all this dude has done is sit around, pick at his sock, watch other people do stuff, and then decide to go stack rocks. WHY DO YOU WRITE ALL THESE PEOPLE JUST OBSERVING OTHERS LIVE THEIR LIFE WHILE THEY DO PRACTICALLY NOTHING. It can be fun, sometimes, to observe things through the eyes of an impartial observer, but not ALL THE TIME. Also i said your char should have their poo poo put together, but here is a kid from a divorced home, new school, and no friends, no apparent hobbies, and no real drive to speak of yet. I feel like you're knocking over your own pile of rocks. second part is just his fantasies of being useful/liked, but hasn't actually done anything. third section is more about the 2 girls than him. also the mother's absence seems contrived. I feel like you're setting up to say he really is a monster or something? Like there's a reason the mom/anybody else isn't seeing him? "That’s all her and Mom were, just sounds." I like this line. Ok all done. So here are my thoughts: I like the narrative arc (for the most part) of the prank, the lonliness/feeling like a monster, then his redemption and feeling human again. The problem is that you didn't sell the part where he was a monster. I never really understood WHY he felt like a monster. He didn't do anything wrong or bad. He just kinda moped and broke things. I feel reworking that part would make this a lot stronger. Like if he'd done something to make him think he was a monster. something the girls knew/saw and were reacting to. Something in the beginning of the story that made this char do more than just watch the two friends. The last scene with the step dad in the hot tub. This wasn't pulled off very well imo, because it just feels like standard boilerplate pedo creep stuff. I wish you'd done something to make it feel like your own, or at least fit it with the theme somehow. Twist: Well you definitely win the opening sentence. "like the steak knife that had pierced June’s neck." you're forcing it. I like this. The ending is a tiny little bit anti-cliamtic, and could be tweaked, but overall it was an engaging read and I understood everything! It had just enough style/flavor to make it feel real, but not so much that I got lost in it. Also, I see what you did there. Overall: You guys both met the larger prompt. Twist did a better job of meeting his challenge, and also told a better story. SH your char was still a bit of a do-nothing whiney pants for the first 2/3rds of the story. I'm glad he came around in the end, but it was a little too late. Winner: Ironic Twist
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Apr 6, 2016 02:01
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in with a flash and a (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
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Apr 6, 2016 02:06
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Ceighk posted:in with a flash and a Alligator_Aviator_Autopilot_Antimatter
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Apr 6, 2016 02:27
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 WEEK 191 CRITS #1: Chairchucker, Titus82, Jocoserious, Mercedes, Sittinghere, Spectres of Autism, anime was right, kurona_bright Oven of Life Knowing this is Chairchucker and not some random newbie is infuriating: this is like something you would’ve written in the first year of TD. You’ve improved so much, but this is some prime-quality backsliding. It’s pointless LOLRANDOM wackiness that does nothing and goes nowhere. In a refrain I’m going to find myself repeating all throughout these crits: writing a vignette does not free you from telling a story. The difference is, you’re taking a snapshot of a story and that snapshot has to do the same amount of heavy lifting. So many of stories this week were bad punchlines dragged out to 500 words. 3/10. Addiction 101 I had no strong feelings about this either way. It is the beige wallpaper of stories. You just took your flash rule and wrote a story about two people discussing the flash rule. There’s no emotional hooks whatsoever. It is I guess competently written, but it’s totally empty. 5/10. Cosmic Catch-Up I am going to ctrl+V this every time because nobody reads everybody else’s crits, but goddam this was the very worst example of it in a week that was stuffed with this kind of story: writing a vignette does not free you from telling a story. The difference is, you’re taking a snapshot of a story and that snapshot has to do the same amount of heavy lifting. This is a bad punchline dragged out to 500 words. “What if Cthulhu was also a suburban dad?” Okay, and then what? It does absolutely nothing with its concepts. I could find and replace maybe 15 words and it would just be two dads making dad jokes. 3/10 Harbinger The first thing this week that I actually liked, though it’s still pretty middling. I think the issue is that it’s a story that’s been told a LOT (my driveby crit was “GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM”) and despite being well-written, it doesn’t really add anything new and it’s not well-written enough to justify not adding anything new. 6/10 Just Like That Day in Reno This worked pretty well. It’s cute, and competently-executed. It stops there though: the whole thing is the leadup to the ‘daaaaw :3’ moment at the end and that’s not really up there in the pantheon of emotions that actually move you, you know? It's cotton candy. It's happy hardcore. It’s the sorta piece that could maybe HM in a worse week, but at the end of the day I’d totally forgotten about it by the time I’d finished the next story. 7/10. Tremulous The first in the crop of stories that furiously mugs the camera as if to say “HUH? HUH? WHAT ABOUT THAT SETUP? WOWEE, WOWZERS, THIS STORY HUH?” There is no story ever that was improved by the author interjecting and going “lol this is dumb”. Even with tongue firmly in cheek, this sort of thing benefits from a real core of sincerity. Otherwise it’s worse than a waste of time: it’s a waste of time that knows it’s a waste of time, and keeps on plowing ahead anyway. “It’s okay officers, I murdered that dude, but I knew that I was murdering him the whole time so that makes things fine.” Underneath the grating smugness, there’s a core of a decent scene in there. I can dig a funny scene about a nihilistic captain who is loving determined to go down with his ship, but it needs to stop trying to convince me that it’s funny and just let the funny happen on its own. It’s a good setup, but the story treats it like a worthless throwaway. Try rewriting it with a little more honest humanity and it’ll be funny as hell. 5/10 In-Putt Really solid, but seems to think that the reader is kinda dumb and needs to be beaten over the head with the moral of the story. It’s far from the most Saturday Morning Special piece this week (hi Kurona_bright!) but you’re a good enough writer that you should just let your writing speak for itself instead of shoving it down our throats. That said, I genuinely enjoyed this story, and it’s one of the ones that stuck with me afterwards. Nice work, just ease off the gas a little next time. 8/10 Night Hi Kurona! Part of me feels that my burning hatred of this piece is that I’m an LGBT man and this reads like a terrible episode of Sesame Street, and that in turn felt like it was trivialising a lot of very real and difficult poo poo from my own life. But then, in judgechat, Crabrock said basically the exact same thing without any prompting from me, and that was the final nail in the coffin; it’s a GI Joe, Fat Albert, BK Kids’ Club incredibly patronising look at an issue that has been simplified to death already. The whole thing is such a simplistic take on an incredibly complex set of issues, and it doesn’t read true to life at all. Trying to write about LGBT experiences is cool and important, but it’s also hard, and requires a lot more love and attention than you’ve given it here. More than that though, it doesn’t actually say anything. “Preudice bad.” “K, then what?” “Prejudice bad.” Much like Addiction 101, it seems content to show a bad thing happening, then kinda shrug and walk away. It’s somehow both incredibly hamfisted but also really limp and unfulfilling. 2/10
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Apr 6, 2016 04:51
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In with Daysleeper.
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Apr 6, 2016 07:40
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In with Orange Crush.
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Apr 6, 2016 08:07
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Kharmakazy posted:Clothes Make The Man Count your words. Dialogue Crit: Google Docs
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Apr 6, 2016 08:23
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crabrock posted:Count your words. It was def less than 500, and I wasn't sure if I should count the opening description..or if notepad++ was to be trusted with such things. Also, I have no idea what those colors are supposed to indicate.
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Apr 6, 2016 11:55
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Kharmakazy posted:It was def less than 500, and I wasn't sure if I should count the opening description..or if notepad++ was to be trusted with such things. 1) Of course the opening description counts. 2) You can trust pretty much any automatic word count, Notepad++ is fine. Nobody's going to penalise you for being 3 words over the limit in a different counter. 3) I don't know either, but my assumption would be: Green - good dialogue Yellow - middling dialogue Orange/Red - bad/terribad/cliché dialogue Black - non-dialogue so he's not paying attention to it
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Apr 6, 2016 12:56
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