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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

sebmojo posted:

In, flash, :toxx: and I challenge grizpat to take my flash rule too I will crush u



medicine. For every disease is akin to the living being and has an appointed term, just as life has, which depends on the form of the triangles, and cannot be protracted when they are worn out. And he who, instead of accepting his destiny, endeavours to prolong his life by medicine, is likely to multiply and magnify his diseases. Regimen and not medicine is the true cure, when a man has time at his disposal.

Enough of the nature of man and of the body, and of training and education. The subject is a great one and cannot be adequately treated as an appendage to another. To sum up all in a word: there are three kinds of soul located within us, and any one of them, if remaining inactive, becomes very weak; if exercised, very strong. Wherefore we should duly train and


DurianGray posted:

In, I'll take a flash.

that she is the star of this great universe, and a more virtuous woman never lived since the wheels of time began. Oh, had you waited till tomorrow, or until I had returned, some kind window would have been opened to her relief. But, alas! she is gone--yes, forever gone, to try the realities of an unknown world!

(Farcillo leaning over the body of Amelia.)

F. Malos not dead, and here is my ring! Oh, Amelia! falsely murdered! Oh, bloody deed! Oh, wretch that I am! Oh, angels forgive me! Oh, God, withhold thy vengeance! Oh, Amelia! if Heaven would make a thousand worlds like this, set with diamonds, and all of one perfect chrysolite, I would not have done this for them all, I would not have frowned

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









come on you dam dirty apes do you want to live forever

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

sebmojo posted:

come on you dam dirty apes do you want to live forever

In.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005
I'm in. Give me TWO flash rules.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007
BTW, and I added this to the prompt post, but you can be as loose as you want with the concept of a "dragon". You can also be literal too, i literally give no fucks

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

b l o o p

sebmojo posted:

In, flash, :toxx:

same

Armack
Jan 27, 2006
In. Flashrule me.

3.141592653
Mar 6, 2016
Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooom.....
I'm being peer pressured by Seb and Ghosty again...

They want me to be In with a Flash rule.
Else I'll get strung up by my toes, Mom. It's a real thing, you know. That people do...When, you know.

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER
In with a :toxx: for being too terrible to post last week. Bring on your best flash rule, nerd.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

night was bitter cold, and the gas-lamps round the square flared and flickered in the keen wind; but his hands were hot with fever, and his forehead burned like fire. On and on he went, almost with the gait of a drunken man. A policeman looked curiously at him as he passed, and a beggar, who slouched from an archway to ask for alms, grew frightened, seeing misery greater than his own. Once he stopped under a lamp, and looked at his hands. He thought he could detect the stain of blood already upon them, and a faint cry broke from his trembling lips.

Murder! that is what the cheiromantist had seen there. Murder! The very night seemed to know it, and the desolate wind to howl it


Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

In. Flashrule me.

Nor your ingenious recreance to think We cherish, in the life that is to come, The scattered features of dead friends again.

II

Never until our souls are strong enough To plunge into the crater of the Scheme -- Triumphant in the flash there to redeem Love's handsel and forevermore to slough, Like cerements at a played-out masque, the rough And reptile skins of us whereon we set The stigma of scared years -- are we to get


3.141592653 posted:

In with a Flash rule.

you, Lord Oro?"

He grew angry and answered:

"Ask no more questions, blind and ignorant as you are. It is your part not to examine, but to obey. Sleep now," and again he waved his hand over me.

In an instant, as it seemed, we were standing in a grey old town that I judged from its appearance must be either in northern France or Belgium. It was much shattered by bombardment; the church, for instance, was a ruin; also many of the houses had been burnt. Now, however, no firing was going on for the town had been taken. The streets were full of armed men wearing the German



skwidmonster posted:

In with a :toxx: for being too terrible to post last week. Bring on your best flash rule, nerd.

asking his permission. What would father say when he found out? For he was bound to find out sooner or later. He always did. "Buried. You two girls had me buried!" She heard his stick thumping. Oh, what would they say? What possible excuse could they make? It sounded such an appallingly heartless thing to do. Such a wicked advantage to take of a person because he happened to be helpless at the moment. The other people seemed to treat it all as a matter of course. They were strangers; they couldn't be expected to understand that father was the very last person for such a thing to happen to. No, the entire blame for it all would fall on her and Constantia. And the expense, she thought, stepping into the tight-buttoned cab. When she had to show him the bills. What would he say then?

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003
in

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Jonked posted:

I'm in. Give me TWO flash rules.

come--along about sundown. He said Jubiter pestered him and aggravated him till he was so mad he just sort of lost his mind and grabbed up a stick and hit him over the head with all his might, and Jubiter dropped in his tracks. Then he was scared and sorry, and got down on his knees and lifted his head up, and begged him to speak and say he wasn't dead; and before long he come to, and when he see who it was holding his head, he jumped like he was 'most scared to death, and cleared the fence and tore into the woods, and was gone. So he hoped he wasn't hurt bad.

and

the importunities, the indelicacies, of which my desire to possess myself of Jeffrey Aspern's papers had rendered me capable I need not shrink from confessing this last indiscretion. I think it was the worst thing I did; yet there were extenuating circumstances. I was deeply though doubtless not disinterestedly anxious for more news of the old lady, and Miss Tita had accepted from me, as it were, a rendezvous which it might have been a point of honor with me to keep. It may be said that her leaving the place dark was a positive sign that she released me, and to this I can only reply that I desired not to be released.

The door of Miss Bordereau's room was open and I could see beyond it the

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013
In.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again

Sitting Here posted:

this is the only part of your post i can see, sorry

is wishful thinking the same as magical realism

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:


In

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010


Deceitful and black-hearted, perhaps we are. But we would never go against the Code. Well, perhaps for good reasons. But mostly never.
In and flash rule me.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Thranguy posted:

In and flash rule me.

Maranas truly virtuous, she ought to have been habituated, little by little, to the world, or else to have been wholly withdrawn from it.

"The day, to-morrow, will seem very long to me," she said, receiving his kisses on her forehead. "But stay in the salon, and speak loud, that I may hear your voice; it fills my soul."

Montefiore, clever enough to imagine the girl's life, was all the more satisfied with himself for restraining his desires because he saw that it would lead to his greater contentment. He returned to his room without accident.

Ten days went by without any event occurring to trouble the peace and solitude of the house. Montefiore employed his Italian cajolery on old



Djeser posted:

is wishful thinking the same as magical realism

I'll bring the magic if u supply the realism bb

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019

in and flash

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

I

AM

MAGNIFICENT






Maugrim posted:

I think I broke it crabs. I added one crit for one of my stories and now I can't add a second for the same story.

We apologise for the fault in the
archive. Those responsible have been
sacked.

Maugrim posted:

While you're at it please could you add a way to fix it when you gently caress up and attribute a crit to the wrong person? Asking for a friend.

We apologise again for the fault in the
archive. Those responsible for sacking
the people who have just been sacked,
have been sacked.

(these have been fixed)

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

b l o o p

can this be like Wizard Week pt 2 except instead of 5 judges it's just sh reading 80 goon attempts at magical realism by herself and crying into her box wine

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

curlingiron posted:

can this be like Wizard Week pt 2 except instead of 5 judges it's just sh reading 80 goon attempts at magical realism by herself and crying into her box wine

only if u help by going in

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

b l o o p

flerp posted:

only if u help by going in

way to read the thread, plebe :rolleyes:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Fuschia tude posted:

in and flash

she has tamed and calls a wolf, and came making that pitiful noise again, and shedding that water out of the places she looks with. I was obliged to return with her, but will presently emigrate again, when occasion offers. She engages herself in many foolish things: among others, trying to study out why the animals called lions and tigers live on grass and flowers, when, as she says, the sort of teeth they wear would indicate that they were intended to eat each other. This is foolish, because to do that would be to kill each other, and that would introduce what, as I understand it, is called "death;" and death, as I have been told, has not yet entered the Park. Which is a pity, on some accounts.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

curlingiron posted:

way to read the thread, plebe :rolleyes:

i dont read :confused:

anyways the you was to everyone reading my post so its engaging (but you wouldnt understand engaging)

3.141592653
Mar 6, 2016
God, Flerp, no one cares unless it's a crit or in, or anything useful, jeeeeez.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

3.141592653 posted:

God, Flerp, no one cares unless it's a crit or in, or anything useful, jeeeeez.

:allears:

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









3.141592653 posted:

God, Flerp, no one cares unless it's a crit or in, or anything useful, jeeeeez.

3.141592653
Mar 6, 2016
Is this poo poo talk lesson 10 1?

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

3.141592653 posted:

Is this poo poo talk lesson 10 1?

if it is its p. lovely

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









3.141592653 posted:

Is this poo poo talk lesson 10 1?

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022




All of youre're posts are bad

Also in

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

erm... quack-ward
In. Flash.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Entenzahn posted:

In. Flash.

of their own number, and above all they felt that doom was upon themselves. What wonder that they were not merry? Indeed no funeral feast could have been more sad, for flowers and wine and fair women do not make pleasure, and after all it was a funeral feast--for me.

At length it came to an end and I fled to my own apartments, whither my three wives followed me, for Otomie did not come, calling me most happy and blessed who to-morrow should be with myself, that is with my own godhead, in heaven. But I did not call them blessed, for, rising in wrath, I drove them away, saying that I had but one comfort left, and it was that wherever I might go I

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Tyrannosaurus posted:

I wasn't a judge so these aren't real crits. They're just

When I got bored:

If That’s What It Takes
Opening paragraph.

Pre-dawn
“Another woman elbowed him in the ribs.” Seemed like it might have been a cool setting but idk

Foreign Flower
Cool. Read the whole thing.

Ain’t No Girl Like Me
Also cool. Read the whole thing.

The Beat That’s in Every Blast
Read the whole thing because the setting was interesting and I kept expecting it to get better but it didn’t.

Ash Knowledge
“Doting grandfathers can.” Why tell a story within in a story in a short story competition? I don’t know. It could be done well, I guess. It wasn’t here.

Men Over Mission
Read the whole thing. Nice setting.

Miracle
“Walled city.” Lots of ash. Got it. Spooky. it wasn't spooky

The Free Radical
“Never had Dominic felt so useless.” It all started to blur here and I didn’t care so I stopped reading.

Mother in the Radio
“Phil listens to him because it’s his son.” Present tense felt wrong and I didn’t like it

Titanomachy
“To want to, but not be able to.” The casual flippance of the overly brutal childhood did little for my pallet. Nice opening though.

Arc
I got to Rebirth before I was like “wtf am I reading here?” No idea.

Messiah en Route
Cool voice. Cool visuals with the traffic. Read the whole thing.

The Cicada, Grief
Wow. Fun read. Got through it all. Great job, whoever you are. I can totally see all the nuances you put into this.

Sightless Eyes
“Its newfound existence.” I realized that sentence was never gonna end and I was gonna have to start back from the beginning to figure out what was going on and I didn’t want to.

but not me in
Read the whole thing. This didn’t do it for me. The composition felt… clumsy? I was left with a “what the gently caress” but not the kind you were going for.

Temptations
Read the whole thing

thx for the comments, trex

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006
R.E.M. Week Crits, Part 1

If That’s What It Takes

Hey, it’s a noir version of The Last Five Years! I really like the way that you’ve matched the tone of one of R.E.M.’s creepiest songs here with your pretty creepy piece. The voice is really strong in this one, and the unhinged ranting works thanks to your very solid prose. My main issue here is how mundane the writing-about-writing comes off. Your sections about Alex’s stories in creative writing class don’t feel very important to the story, and you’ve summarized so much here that these anecdotes feel like vague abstractions. A line or two of remembered dialogue from these heated conversations would have packed more of a punch. And I wish you’d zoomed in on details from Alex accusing the narrator of sabotaging his career: that’s dramatically potent stuff that would make the violent climax feel a little more earned.

The “who’s to blame” and the other references to the title feel a little shoehorned in, too. I’m not going to dock you for that, but you’ve got such a good tonal match here that it feels a little bit like you’re overcompensating.

Pre-dawn

This feels a lot like a first chapter, and I think it’d work well as that: you introduce character and conflicts well, but unfortunately that’s all you’ve really given us, an introduction. You throw so many proper nouns at me that I feel like I’m struggling to keep everything balanced in my head, and that amount of clutter really diminishes the impact of the story you’re trying to tell. You’ve hinted at some factional strife, and I thought that the narrator would end up involved in the riot at the end. But it turns out that the protagonist doesn’t really have anything to do – people talk at them, but they don’t have any real agency in this story, which means there’s nothing to get invested in here.

I don’t think this is terrible, though. The dialogue’s inconsistent because the characters aren’t doing anything interesting for the first half of the story, but there’s definitely some verve to it, and you seem to have a real affection for your characters. You’re just trying to do a little too much with the world building aspects and not enough with a self-contained story.

Foreign Flower

I found this frustrating, because I’m really into what you’re trying to do here in conveying Sophia’s isolation, but I also found this story incredibly confusing. Part of it is the reluctance to use character names, part of it’s the timeline (I’m not sure if the second section happens all in the club? I think it does, but I initially thought that this was them leaving the club together and forming a relationship), part of it’s the third section where I don’t understand why some things are in both italics and quotes. I feel a real sense of understanding for Sophia, though, and you make her frustration really easy to empathize with. I also like the relationship and uncertain form of understanding she comes to with Jonathan, I just wish this story was easier to comprehend.

Ain’t No Girl Like Me

Oh, this is cute. I like the ending a lot – the last section is pretty powerful on its own. I think my main sticking point here is the voice, which veers back and forth between stiff and dusty (“two disparate sofas,” “signaling imminent demise, but I admire its refusal to go out”) to stuff that’s very casual (“ride out my buzz,” “I cry and I cry and I cry not because my face hurts but because I’m in goddamn love”), and I feel like you don’t have a good grasp on this character. That said, the story still works, I think, because a bullied kid is visceral enough to make us sympathize, and it’s cool that a girl rescues a girl out of this compassionate friendship, it’s a good dynamic.

The Beat That’s In Every Blast

This is another one where I can’t tell if I’m stupid or if the story is unclear. Modern City is being bombed, but our protagonist just wants to enjoy some music. Then the protagonist runs into some kid who’s lost his family, chats with him about Thanksgiving, when the kid becomes upset that he ran. And then the protagonist becomes struck with the sense that everyone’s crying is setting the beat for this new, war-torn world. It’s a striking concept, sure, but it feels more bizarre than poignant. The relationship between the protagonist and the kid is sweet, and there’s some subtlety to it (although I’m not sure what he means by “I didn’t mean to… I just wanted one time…”) I think my broader issue is the protagonist, who certainly has a wild imagination w/r/t interpreting music, but fixates on this in a way that seems inappropriate. I guess it’s shell-shock, or something like that, but it’s pretty alienating to read about, and the ending just seems to straddle grimdark and really maudlin.

Ash Knowledge

You’ve got a pretty useless parenthetical in your second sentence. (You also forgot a word in your first, which is a little ironic for someone who went hard on everyone else’s first sentences!) But here’s my point: he’s Jerry to his fellow kindergardners, but also to his grandpa? Why not just say his grandpa?

I think this is a really interesting risk you’ve taken, with the parable frame story, but I don’t think it’s very successful. That’s mostly because the bombing of Dresden is pretty common knowledge, and the sections of this story that take place on the plane probably aren’t that necessary. I could see this story working more successfully if it was just the conversation between the grandfather and the kid, and you used context clues or inner narration to hint at the grandfather’s history, but as it is now, you’re just laying out the one-to-one connections between things and it comes off as a didactic war-is-bad story.

Men Over Mission

Your main character is really boring and has zero agency, and you go out of your way to have him not make any decisions. You hint at a broader conflict, I guess, but this story feels like a transitional scene in something bigger, something that relies on greater context to have any real impact. I don’t care much about the relationship between Mike and Jason, I don’t care if Reyes goes to war, and I don’t care if mike makes it in time, mostly because you don’t really give me a reason to care about any of these characters except the ticking clock and that one of them’s hurt. I do think you’re doing an OK job at letting dialogue structure the story, but the problem is a lot of this just falls flat, since none of these characters have much of a personality. I’m also not sure what the connection to the song is here. It’s not the tone, that’s for sure, but there’s probably some image in the song that inspired this piece.

Miracle

You’ve got atmosphere going for you here, and I think you’re doing a pretty good job at painting this world and playing up the pathos of this story. You’re tapped into Ezra’s emotional state throughout the piece, and that keeps the piece interesting, something to buoy it above your crapsack world. Your ending goes a little off the rails for me, though, when your perspective suddenly shifts to Nehemiah, and then I think shifts back to Ezra. It’s confusing, and I’m not sure who the pronouns at the end are referring to.

This is another one with a pretty tenuous connection to the song. I’m guessing you went with “it has leper in the title.”

The Free Radical

I had a lot of trouble getting interested in this story. I think it’s because we spend so much time with what Dominic’s doing, but you don’t spend a lot of time telling us why it matters that he’s doing it. This feels a little like I’m reading a chapter in the middle of a pulp novel. It’s just things that happen, and I just don’t really care.

I like lines like “As a kid he’d taken singing lessons, learned how to shift his resonance to different parts of his body,” because that’s a really useful metaphor to give me a clue what’s going on, but the rest of this story is packed with action that I’m having trouble blocking in my head. The story is so dense with nouns that they’re difficult to arrange into something coherent.

I also don’t really see a connection to the song, outside of the name of the computer.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool
ty 4 tha crit

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.




I probably shouldn't sign up because I have my board exams coming up, but loving hell do I love magical realism.

In

Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face
Thanks for the crit!

Maugrim fucked around with this message at 23:13 on Apr 12, 2016

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:


sparksbloom posted:

R.E.M. Week Crits, Part 1


Thanks!

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hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

sparksbloom posted:

R.E.M. Week Crits, Part 1

Thanks for the crit!

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