NHL 2015-16 TOXX thread - Give some money to charity, you drunks!

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > NHL 2015-16 TOXX thread - Give some money to charity, you drunks!

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Should whatis actually kill himself?
	Yes
	No

Jamwad Hilder: Apr 18, 2007; surfin usa

Jamwad Hilder posted:

If the Bruins make the playoffs I will donate $1 per point earned in the standings to a charity...I don't know which yet, but I would like to do something local here in DC. I am open to suggestions though to anything in DC, Boston, or a nationwide charity that does cool stuff.

If the Bruins miss the playoffs, I will donate $0.25 per point earned in the standings, multiplied by how many spots out of a playoff spot they were. Minimum donation of $50
Ex: Say theoretically the Bruins earn 84 points and end up last in the East. That would be 84 x .25 = $21, times seven spots out of the 8th seed, so $147. Like I said, the minimum donation will be $50, so even if they finish with 100 points and only 1 spot out of the playoffs, I'd do $50 instead of $25 per the math I outlined.

Additionally, if Montreal sweeps the season series against Boston I will make the above donation, whichever it is, to a charity of HAS' choosing at the end of the season. Donation will be made prior to the end of the playoffs.

Bruins missed the playoffs by 1 point, Montreal did not sweep the regular season series. I donated my $50 minimum to the Greater Boston Food Bank.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:08

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 08:51

ThinkTank: Oct 23, 2007

The Sabres were tied for 5th worst offence in the league... Does Whatis have to kill himself?

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:13

bunnyofdoom: Mar 29, 2008; Jaxxon: Still not the stupidest thing from the expanded universe.

bunnyofdoom posted:

Flip on this. I will eat a mcdonalds hamburger with 48 hours for every game Hammond wins. At end of season, I will go to the bars owned by the over 35 players name chris, and drink 1 beer for every goal they scored (Central Bierhaus for Neil, Big Rig for Phillips). I will not eat any food at big rig because I always get food poisoning there.

I ate 7 hamburgers this season, and I now need to go to central Bierhaus and drink 5 beers. I will take photos and give reviews of each beer I drink.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:14

DJExile: Jun 28, 2007

ThinkTank posted:

The Sabres were tied for 5th worst offence in the league... Does Whatis have to kill himself?

Yes, twice

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:14

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

flakeloaf posted:

On the day after the end of the regular season, I shall eat one McDonald's cheeseburger for every game that Andrew Hammond started and either lost or was pulled from for being terrible, and I'll also give ten dollars to Roger's House for every NHL goal scored by any Ottawa Senators player, as long as that player is over the age of 35 and his first name is Chris.

Chris Phillips played in zero games and scored zero goals. Chris Neil was credited with five goals somehow, so here's $50 for Roger's House.

Got the first eight of these fifteen (up yours I'm not counting the three SOLs cause those are coin flips) burgers here. The McD's on Bank St uses stale-ish buns and the pickle in #6 tasted like a cigarette for some reason.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:15

a false: Mar 5, 2009; I DECIDE
WHO LIVES
AND WHO DIES

a false posted:

i will donate $5 to MSF for each point of difference between the new york rangers and the new york islanders at the end of the regular season. so if they finish 20 points apart, it's $100, et cetera

i will donate five dollars when i get home.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:18

Aphrodite: Jun 27, 2006

DJExile posted:

Yes, twice

He offered donating the value of his account for each death.

I suggest that he donate the value of his life, which is surely more than $10 even if he is a Sabres fan.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:19

bunnyofdoom: Mar 29, 2008; Jaxxon: Still not the stupidest thing from the expanded universe.

Dude, that is the 2nd worst McD's in that area, after Rideau. Shoulda gone to the Elgin one instead.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:19

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

It's -1 and raining. There's no way the bag would've held together on the walk back to the office, and I am not mowing down two pounds of cheeseburgers in public.

I'd happily join you in Kanata but it's really far away.

Should I be hearing my hair right now?

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:25

bunnyofdoom: Mar 29, 2008; Jaxxon: Still not the stupidest thing from the expanded universe.

flakeloaf posted:

It's -1 and raining. There's no way the bag would've held together on the walk back to the office, and I am not mowing down two pounds of cheeseburgers in public.

I'd happily join you in Kanata but it's really far away.

Should I be hearing my hair right now?

I'm not going to the bar for a couple days and hopefully I can find someone willing to make the trek. And yes after having binged last year, the hair is valid.m

# ? Apr 11, 2016 17:55

t a s t e: Sep 6, 2010

Sabres weren't bottom five

Hammond had a .914 svp, which is apparently .001 below league average. I guess I can't be mad if you want to say I lost that one.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 18:02

ThinkTank: Oct 23, 2007

Tremendous Taste posted:

Sabres weren't bottom five

They were tied with the Oilers at 199 goals. Carolina, Toronto, Vancouver and New Jersey were the one teams to score fewer. AKA, they were 5th worst Whatis must be sacrificed.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 18:10

t a s t e: Sep 6, 2010

I might have been referring to my own toxx

Murder whatis

# ? Apr 11, 2016 18:11

ThinkTank: Oct 23, 2007

Tremendous Taste posted:

I might have been referring to my own toxx

Murder whatis

Oh good I thought you were somehow defending him not having to committee Sab-ukku.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 18:13

Hand Knit: Oct 24, 2005; Beer Loses more than a game Sunday ...
We lost our Captain, our Teammate, our Friend Kelly Calabro...
Rest in Peace my friend you will be greatly missed..

Hand Knit posted:

For what it's worth, if you guys could refrain from literally killing yourselves, that would be appreciated.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 18:14

Aphrodite: Jun 27, 2006

Hand Knit learns a harsh lesson in requests vs. orders.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 18:17

CBJSprague24: Dec 5, 2010; another game at nationwide arena. everybody keeps asking me if they can fuck the cannon. buddy, they don't even let me fuck it

CBJSprague24 posted:

If the John Tortorella-led Columbus Blue Jackets make the playoffs, I will make a donation to The John and Christine Tortorella Foundation in the amount of points Torts' CBJ earned en route to the post-season.

For those not keeping score at home, that would be "in the amount of all of the points the team earned en route to the post-season."

34-33-8, worth 76 points, but no playoffs.

I'll revisit this next season.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 19:49

whatis: Jun 6, 2012

ThinkTank posted:

They were tied with the Oilers at 199 goals. Carolina, Toronto, Vancouver and New Jersey were the one teams to score fewer. AKA, they were 5th worst Whatis must be sacrificed.

For some reason, total goals on basically every single site are either not including the last couple games worth of goals, or they've just arbitrarily given the sabres and oilers 199 goals for...reasons? I'd go through and count manually, but I'm still getting over the flu and counting is surprisingly hard to do right now

# ? Apr 11, 2016 20:27

Aphrodite: Jun 27, 2006

whatis posted:

For some reason, total goals on basically every single site are either not including the last couple games worth of goals, or they've just arbitrarily given the sabres and oilers 199 goals for...reasons? I'd go through and count manually, but I'm still getting over the flu and counting is surprisingly hard to do right now

It's actually that the official rules award 1 goal to a shootout winner, and yet NHL.com does not include that in the GF listing.

Buffalo only had 2 shootout wins while Edmonton had 4, hence the 203 and 201 other sites show.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 20:29

Cocaine Bear: Nov 4, 2011; ACAB

OP recap. If it's crossed out the poster is safe.

tofes posted:
I guarantee the Sharks are a playoff team next year and you can me on that

VJeff posted:

I'm sick of you dumb moron idiots and your doubts of the Oshdog!
Provided he plays as many games he did in his full years with the Blues (min. 76), TJ Oshie will reach a career high in goals and in points in both the regular season and playoffs in 2015-16.

OshDog statline: 80-26-25-51. His career high in points is 60. Ban this man.

Jordan7hm posted:
(I'll do an EHM sim of the SAS Draft)
I will this time. Consider it a toxx I guess.

Good work

Tremendous Taste posted:
I'll wager that buffalo isn't bottom 5
(see also)

Ginette Reno posted:

If Buffalo finishes out of the bottom 5 I'll buy a Dan Bylsma avatar and wear it for a year

Any suggestions on themes? I'll whip something horrible up by this weekend.

JollyPubJerk posted:

[Buffalo are] making the playoffs. They have an entire new top 6, an actual coach, a possibly great goaltender (but this isnt requirement), and some great defense, just short on the left side

Horrible prediction. Ban this man.

whatis posted:

buffalo will not rank bottom five in goals per game or goals allowed per game. if they do, i'll fuckin kill myself!!!!!

RC Cola posted:

If the Blackhawks don't win the cup this year I'll buy a jersey of the team that knocks them out of the playoffs, and take a picture of me wearing it doing an impression of whatever players jersey I buy and make it my avatar. If the Hawks miss the playoffs entirely I'll buy a jersey of every team that finished higher than them that also missed the playoffs and do a YouTube video of impersonations.

TBD

.Spec posted:

swap Scuderi with Lovejoy (who I feel like I should toxx myself on him making it even to the deadline without getting waved) and I would get on board.

As far as I can tell, the Pens are still paying and paying Ben. Ban this man!

Habibi posted:

I don't want to spend five dollars or whatever on a Tanguay av (if someone wants to get me one, though, I'd wear it), but I would one hundred percent do the latter and you can me on it.

e: I'll post pictures of the letter, envelope, and me actually putting it into a post office box, as well as any responses or further correspondence as may occur.

Tremendous Taste posted:

I'll toxx bet you [Hammond] puts up average or better numbers this year

League average according to QuantHockey.com is 915. Hammon posted a 914. lol, ban!!

Overwined posted:

For every Ottawa Senator PK Subban injures, I will give USD $1,000 to the Children's Defense Fund. I will give $10,000 if he injures a sports journalist of any stripe.

EDIT: Inserted Ottawa before Senators. We cool, NSA?

Can someone look into this one?

Koopa Kid posted:

Every player on the Leafs roster will record at least one goal this year.
...
Hey I'm down, make it active roster, min 9 games played (cause I ain't writing poo poo about Nathan Horton) and I'll toxx it.

Excluding goalies: Clune, Harrington, Kapanen, and something called "Rinat Valiev" all played 9 or more games and failed to record a goal. ~~BAAAN~~! Upon further review some essays are in order.

VJeff posted:
If Brad Richards records a point in his regular season Red Wings debut, I will immediately buy an av of him.

Ugh...and finally:

Austrian mook posted:

Alright you little fucks, it's time we cleared some things up. The Anaheim Ducks. You know them, god knows I fuckin know them, but what about them. Three words, THE STANELY CUP. For sure, no doubt, EA sim predicted it, Im predicting it and frankly anyone with anything more than a loving crumpled up brussel sprout in between their ears is predicting it. How will they win? Ryan Getzlaf. The one, the only, the best god drat hockey player on God's great earth. Ive had the visions, I've done the math. Its a done deal. Getzlaf will hoist the cup, again, and theres not a loving thing any one of you fuckers can do to stop it.

If it doesnt happen, Im gone all off season

What a dumb poo poo. I believe he still hasn't rereged since the last ban, but if his head pops up before the cup is awarded (to not the Ducks) he can still lose

And my :toxx:

Dallas Stars Best Team in Hockey will make it out of the first round this year. If they fail to do so I will buy an AV of whichever team/player that puts the final nail in. If, like stupid BS last year, they fail to make the playoffs, I'll do the same for whomever eliminates form contention (how I got the awful Buffatar). Additionally, if they miss the playoffs I'll donate :10bux:

to MSF.

Made the playoffs. Just waiting to see how far they go.

Bonus: I'll further :toxx:

for the Stars by pitching :10bux:

per round they win and an additional $1 for every goal they score. If they make it to the cup finals, I'll triple the amount for that round.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 21:05

DJExile: Jun 28, 2007

Overwined's toxx is loving great :allears:

I'll have to think of one for the playoffs

# ? Apr 11, 2016 21:09

whatis: Jun 6, 2012

Aphrodite posted:

It's actually that the official rules award 1 goal to a shootout winner, and yet NHL.com does not include that in the GF listing.

Buffalo only had 2 shootout wins while Edmonton had 4, hence the 203 and 201 other sites show.

ok, that makes sense

gently caress!

# ? Apr 11, 2016 21:36

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

And that's fifteen. My stomach feels like a brick full of rocks and I don't think I'll ever poo poo again. If you see my wife tell her she married an idiot.

# ? Apr 11, 2016 23:46

Sharks Eat Bear: Dec 25, 2004

Sharks Eat Bear posted:

if the pens make the playoffs i will donate the combined points total of the top scorer from each team that finishes below the pens in the eastern conference, multiplied by MAF's SV% (again in USD) to an undisclosed charity

i honestly have no idea what i was thinking. i'm on the hook for a $792 donation to charity. i literally cannot afford that right now, but i'm thinking i'll set up a monthly donation to get to the mark. hopefully that appeases the toxx gods

# ? Apr 12, 2016 00:07

Aphrodite: Jun 27, 2006

You could do $10 a month and still get it done faster than VJeff did his essays.

# ? Apr 12, 2016 00:18

Ceyton: Oct 9, 2004; YOU'RE DEAD ARMITAGE!
YOU'RE DEAD ARMITAGE!
YOU'RE DEAD ARMITAGE!

Sharks Eat Bear posted:

i honestly have no idea what i was thinking. i'm on the hook for a $792 donation to charity. i literally cannot afford that right now, but i'm thinking i'll set up a monthly donation to get to the mark. hopefully that appeases the toxx gods

A new plat account and av is only $25, and Lowtax probably needs the money more than sick kids or homeless people :objection:

# ? Apr 12, 2016 01:07

DJExile: Jun 28, 2007

Sharks Eat Bear posted:

i honestly have no idea what i was thinking. i'm on the hook for a $792 donation to charity. i literally cannot afford that right now, but i'm thinking i'll set up a monthly donation to get to the mark. hopefully that appeases the toxx gods

holy hell hahaha

Aphrodite posted:

You could do $10 a month and still get it done faster than VJeff did his essays.

# ? Apr 12, 2016 02:11

Jamwad Hilder: Apr 18, 2007; surfin usa

Sharks Eat Bear posted:

i honestly have no idea what i was thinking. i'm on the hook for a $792 donation to charity. i literally cannot afford that right now, but i'm thinking i'll set up a monthly donation to get to the mark. hopefully that appeases the toxx gods

it's more cost effective to get banned

# ? Apr 12, 2016 02:53

Sharks Eat Bear: Dec 25, 2004

Jamwad Hilder posted:

it's more cost effective to get banned

yes but i would rather bring financial ruin upon myself than sully the honor of the toxx

seriously though, i'll stick to the donation at some point but will need to wait a while because i'm anticipating quite a few big ticket expenses in the next 6 months or so that need to take priority

to prove how serious i am: i pledge to follow through on my 2015-2016 toxx by the time the 2017 playoffs start :toxx:

# ? Apr 12, 2016 06:11

Schlesische: Jul 4, 2012

Aww man...
Let's see how much money is going to Dans le Rue.

Schlesische posted:

The squares are (a little clarification), top left to bottom right:

Alexander Semin finishes the season on a team not called the Montreal Canadiens (St John's counts as not Montreal)

The Habs get Swept out of the playoffs. If the Habs aren't in the playoffs, this one counts automatically.

Max Pacioretty fails to score 40 goals

The Habs lose their regular season series to Boston (I count them as playing 5 games, the Habs need to win at least 3)

The Habs fail to make the playoffs

The Habs lose their regular season series to Toronto (I count them as playing 4 games, the Habs need to win at least 3)

PK Subban has more than 80 PIMs

Carey Price has a SV% of less than .927

Alex Galchenyuk finishes the season playing in a position that is not Center

If NONE of it is true (and I'm expecting at least Semin to be gone by the end of the season), I get a brand new Avatar featuring Michel Therrien as chosen by HAS. If Therrien is no longer the coach, I will get one of Goldblum/Bergevin.

Alex Semin was... uhh... delisted from the Habs halfway through the season.
The Habs did not make the playoffs, so this one is automatically true.
Patches somehow managed to make his way to 30 goals despite looking a dead certainty to plateau around 25. Good on him. He did not make 40. Bad on me.
The Habs tied their season series. I don't have much money and based on the half season update I'm already looking at $200+, so I'm going to say that they didn't lose the season series.
The Habs did not make the playoffs.
As far as I can tell, the Habs swept the Leafs. Which I guess goes to show that no matter how bad things seem they can always get worse.
PK Subban's neck injury probably prevented him from getting past 80 PIMs. As it is, he got 75,
Carey Price's "Lower Body Injury" (holy poo poo the NHL is stupid with injury reporting) probably kept him above .927. As it is, he got .934.
Galchenyuk ended the season as the first line center. Despite David Desharnais coming back from injury. I will happily bet on this not being the case to start next year.

Or, to recap:

Schlesische posted:

For every square that is true, $10 to dans le rue. For every line that is true (diagonals count!) $100 to Dans le Rue. If the whole thing is true, ban me thread and $500 to Dans le rue.
I may use Australian Funbux to pay for this - we'll see what the exchange rate is.

The Exchange rate is currently 1CAD buys 1.02AUD; it's basically parity, I am going to pay in Australian funbux.
I think my total comes in at $AUD110. I'll pay it tomorrow my time and post proof then.

Schlesische fucked around with this message at 07:45 on Apr 12, 2016

# ? Apr 12, 2016 07:43

Hand Knit: Oct 24, 2005; Beer Loses more than a game Sunday ...
We lost our Captain, our Teammate, our Friend Kelly Calabro...
Rest in Peace my friend you will be greatly missed..

Sharks Eat Bear posted:

i honestly have no idea what i was thinking. i'm on the hook for a $792 donation to charity. i literally cannot afford that right now, but i'm thinking i'll set up a monthly donation to get to the mark. hopefully that appeases the toxx gods

Do whatever you feel is within the spirit of the toxx (so long as that isn't literally killing yourself).

Aphrodite posted:

Hand Knit learns a harsh lesson in requests vs. orders.

Life is hard for the anti-perfectionist.

# ? Apr 12, 2016 09:28

DJExile: Jun 28, 2007

First round :toxx:

:

For every win the Flyers manage vs. Washington, I'll donate $25 to a charity of FAS's choosing.

If they somehow upset Washington, I'll add an extra $50, for a grand total of $150.

# ? Apr 12, 2016 18:44

Cocaine Bear: Nov 4, 2011; ACAB

People having a hard time using this thread:

fits posted:

if the pens win the cup i will write a minimum 500 word essay on how justin schultz was The Missing Piece

Eric the Mauve posted:

If the Penguins beat the Rangers in Round 1 I will post only positive things about them for the rest of their playoff run. And if they win the Cup I will extend that for a full year afterwards plus get a new avatar with an I Love Jim Rutherford 4-Evar theme (PAS can collaboratively pick one if they like) and likewise keep it for at least a year.

Eric the Mauve posted:

That's only because you have no idea how hard it is for me to resist posting pessimistic things, I might as well be trying to quit sniffing glue.

How about if I throw in 1000 word essays on what wonderful players Ian Cole and Ben Lovejoy are?

Dandy Kaiser posted:

I have a playoff toxx

- If the Wings win more than two playoff games this year, I will get some form of "I Love Justin Abdelkader" avatar and keep it until Ken Holland is no longer the GM.

- l will donate $50 to Flint water relief for each round that they win, and $25 additional for any round in which they lose but win at least 2 games.

- If they win the East, I'll do VJeff-style essays of the "25 Greatest Ken Holland Trades/Signings" to commemorate the 25 year playoff streak.

- If they win the cup, I will get the Wings retired numbers tattooed up my leg

Your move, dickheads.

Indeed...

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:03

t a s t e: Sep 6, 2010

If ovechkin wins conn smythe I'll get some sort of tangentially relevant tattoo to commemorate

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:10

Sharks Eat Bear: Dec 25, 2004

Tremendous Taste posted:

If ovechkin wins conn smythe I'll get some sort of tangentially relevant tattoo to commemorate

deal but joeljoel gets to design it

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:17

t a s t e: Sep 6, 2010

not a goddamn chance

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:21

Pornographic Memory: Dec 17, 2008

i will buy an avatar and text commemorating the player (or team) that scores the goal that eliminates the pittsburgh penguins from the playoffs, to be decided by consensus vote of the fanbase of the team that eliminates the penguins

additionally, i'll donate $25 per goal scored by both teams in the elimination game to a charity of that fanbase's choice

if the penguins win the cup i'll donate $25 per goal scored by both teams in the cup winning game to the greater pittsburgh community food bank

:toxx:

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:22

Ergo Propter Hog: Jul 21, 2014

Tremendous Taste posted:

If ovechkin wins conn smythe I'll get some sort of tangentially relevant tattoo to commemorate

Interesting username/post combo.

Vincent Van Goat posted:

If Kessel doesn't win the Maurice "Rocket" Richard Trophy, I'll get an av of whichever player does

If Kessel scores less than 50 goals, I'll donate the difference to MSF

I'll donate the 24 dollars this weekend, and I'll get an Ovi av after the Penguins are eliminated. I'll keep it until Kessel scores his first goal next season. If anyone has something witty/clever, I'll get that. If not, I'll figure something out.

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:24

Cocaine Bear: Nov 4, 2011; ACAB

Tremendous Taste posted:

not a goddamn chance

So I guess we'll see you in the terrible tattoo thread soon enough.

Also, shouldn't you be banned or something?

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:37

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 08:51

t a s t e: Sep 6, 2010

"Average" is relative, maybe Hammond putting up numbers that weren't terrible for that trash franchise gained me a reprieve

# ? Apr 13, 2016 02:40

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > NHL 2015-16 TOXX thread - Give some money to charity, you drunks!

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