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Obliterati posted:
It warms my heart to see someone caught the reference, but that warmth is stoked into a fire of pure indignation that you would think it was the actual Stainless Steel Rat and not a copycat out to ruin his good(ish) name! Or it could just be heartburn. Either way, you just stepped into a pile of kagal, bowb-for-brains! Make room, make room, because I accept your challenge! EDIT: Sorry, thought the was implied. Screaming Idiot fucked around with this message at 23:01 on Jun 6, 2016 |
# ? Jun 6, 2016 22:27 |
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# ? Apr 24, 2024 07:07 |
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Screaming Idiot posted:It warms my heart to see someone caught the reference, but that warmth is stoked into a fire of pure indignation that you would think it was the actual Stainless Steel Rat and not a copycat out to ruin his good(ish) name! I see a lot of flailing words but I don't see
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# ? Jun 6, 2016 22:35 |
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Obliterati vs Screaming Idiot before we start, i want you guys to write a story. beginning, middle, and end. a character(s) who is likable or otherwise interesting. that's the most important thing for this prompt. you're going to write me an adventure. entertaining, some nice action, maybe some good banter, whatever. give me an adventure, a quest, whatever your little heart considers to be an adventure, give it to me. BUT WAIT. i want this to be unique. i don't want to read the Indiana Jones sequel or a fantasy story with elves and dwares. avoid as many cliches as you can. we've got a lot of epic adventure stories out there but if i catch you telling me D&D Quest #240 or Uncharted 5 or First Contact with an Alien Race, then you better sure as hell have made it so unique or creative that I don't even notice that you took those cliches. you can write fantasy or sci-fi if you so desire but keep it unique and interesting. thanks and good luck and scridiot you better up. 1500 words Due 6/20/16 at 11:59 PM PST flerp fucked around with this message at 23:15 on Jun 6, 2016 |
# ? Jun 6, 2016 22:41 |
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im critting Benthos by Benny Profane. dude i miss yr old av. this wont really be a progressive type crit since i read it already and liked it and its more something washing over you than a narrative. i rly liked your prose. sometimes you dont rly notice how good prose is until you realize youre so totally immersed in a scene you feel like youre drowning too. the words are undeniably good, but they dont cudgel you over the head with how good they are, which is how words should be. i think anime animals that just wander around asking questions about human life are a thing. i can picture the cate just walking around p vividly. i almost know the inflections; i think ive heard them before, and none of the words get in the way so i can hear them better. i think youre hamstrung by the main theme of the week. like the potatoes dont really tie in thematically. after he almost dies he eats french fries but that doesnt like, i mean im not totally on board. like youre not quite there but i wanna blame the prompt not you cuz the writing is so good. maybe if you were gonna sub this or someth dont make the potatoes such a central idea. "I wonder how many people waste their last moments of life wondering if they are dying." makes u think (unironically) i think theres a metaphor here about how his girlfriend is oblivious to how much hes suffering but hands him a french fry anyway. tbh french fries are tiny and not very satisfying by themself. then the protag starts to shrink which is fanciful and doesnt rly break the tone that much. i like the last sentence a lot, the inverse repetition. this is a good read, i mean its vignette-y but thats obvsly intentional. i left the story with a sort of dreamy melancholic feeling which is not a bad way to feel when a storys over. as like my general crit conclusion thing id focus less on stuff that is too out of place thematically and try to maintain that consistency of nice words that dont get in the way of my visualization. hope thats helpful take the moon fucked around with this message at 23:21 on Jun 6, 2016 |
# ? Jun 6, 2016 23:18 |
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# ? Jun 6, 2016 23:57 |
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curlingiron posted:INTERPROMPT: Potatomen versus the Yam People. 150 words Just Like the Movies 69 words, 420 characters Hollywood producer Cannabis Lector blazed a glare at the hopeful director across from him. "Potatomen versus the Yam People?! The market is already oversaturated with lovely 'franchise versus franchise' movies. And what's more, this script has 5732 pages in it! That's like a week-long movie! You're a terrible person for thinking of this and you will never work in Hollywood if my name isn't Cassius Clay. And it's not."
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 00:20 |
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Marshmallow Blue posted:I have sinned. Lay it on me Things to work on: - Wacky, cartoon antics are not a replacement for character motivation and an interesting plot. Your story is almost Tom and Jerry fan-fiction. - Read Struck and White's Elements of Style. Your grammar is all over the place and you seem to have little idea how dialogue attribution works. - Make your characters change or develop over time. Your story is about two men terrorizing each other for little gain. - Put down the cartoons and read more books to get a sense of how prose and description work. Your bare-bones descriptions are almost always awkward and repetitive, which suggests that you have very little experience with actual books.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 00:31 |
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Since you were cool enough to catch my Stainless Steel Rat reference, I'mma crit yo poo poo (it is not poo poo)Obliterati posted:Prompts You're most likely going to kick my rear end during our brawl. After this story, I wouldn't have it any other way. Screaming Idiot fucked around with this message at 09:48 on Jun 7, 2016 |
# ? Jun 7, 2016 01:37 |
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Phone posting so can't quote the crits but thanks guys! It was very rough and my first time writing fiction in years so appreciate the feedback.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 03:25 |
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QuoProQuid posted:Things to work on: I was going for cartoons cause the stupid cartoony crap is my entire limited knowledge of anime. Thank you for the rest of the crit about the grammar and better descriptions.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 03:42 |
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Marshmallow Blue posted:
dont reply to crits
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 04:34 |
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Chili posted:I actually decided after I made that post that critting itself is a skill and I'd like to get better at it. So I did! Thanks for the crit! Will be going through a couple crits of my own once I get a chance to sit down and do it.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 04:42 |
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I did a stupid reading of Merc's excellent, anime-inspired potato story. http://vocaroo.com/i/s03X3maRg64K
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 04:48 |
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CRIT: Serreptitious Murfflin. His/her? work always humbles me, makes me realize there is a huge distance between my poo poo scrawls and Literature. I get the feeling He/She has spent time in college studying writing, so I wanted to do a crit of his work, as a low-life uneducated writer who is actually a student of his incredible feedback. So, for whatever that's worth, this is my crit of that person's work. May you all forgive me for staring into the sun. Or some other literary grand statement of poo poo. FIRST NOTE: I read the whole thing, only adding a few notes here and there for the few odd typos I was delighted to find. Summary at the end. SECOND NOTE: My D key is a moody bitch so it's likely you'll find wors without the D in there. Like that one. Goddamn this laptop. smuffin posted:SERRIPTOUS MIFFIN Okay. Line-by-line crits are annoying so I stopped them. Basically, your story is this: Bombs fall, Geert freaks out, understandably. Thinks of a badger, digs into the dirt, finds potatoes, and says "I'm alive." It's one of those philosophical stories that I like, but don't exactly get... kind of like the ending to No Country For Old Men. I feel like I need to appreciate the tale, but I'm not exactly sure why... kind of like when some jazz guitarist goes into a nickelodeon scale over a suspended major chord, because he can. Like - it's incredible writing, it says something about the human spirit, I guess, but I'm not sure how much is smoke and mirrors vs. how much is actually just story with conflict or character arc, plot, etc. Then again, I feel the same way about Hemingway, so, take that with a grain of "Goddamn That's Better Than I Could Do, Way To Go." Final Score: Julienne Fries and two tater tots.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 05:35 |
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ZeBourgeoisie Casual language but an adequate starter paragraph. I can anticipate Something happening. The prose was working for me (I'm exceptionally weary right now), but you've tripped me up with "Mel". Isn't the protagonist speaking? Tom's the only other person I'm aware of. Mel doesn't sound like a nickname. I'm stumbling instead of reading. Is there a third person here? You haven't introduced them so I'm entirely lost with regard to who's speaking to whom. There's some tension in the Russian Roulette scene, as I'm also counting bullets. Then they shoot at ??? for ??? reasons and are shot back at. The prose is alright but because I don't know the characters' motivations (why are they doing that and under what conditions) the tension lacks weight. Also I'm not sure how the potatoes are central to the agony. I'm not motivated to study this one further. Ziji I like the title. That's a wonderful first paragraph and I have some delightful ideas as to how this man might agonize over potatoes, although I wouldn't have this were the story outside the context of the 'dome. Dunno how I feel about the lack of line breaks around dialogue. It's nonstandard, but it might not prove confusing. I'm really empathizing a lot with your protagonist even though I have no direct experience with PTSD. Way to tap into shared expectations. So I read the rest of it, and there's a bit of a conundrum. I really enjoy knowing that he's somehow going to freak out with regard to potatoes, and you certainly nailed that part. But part of why I know that is because of the prompt, so I can't take that delight into account as a feature of the story itself; I don't think metafiction was deliberately employed. The explanation of why he has P-PTSD is passable, but it interrupts my anticipation of the climax. Also, though I like the thought of the setup, I don't really feel it (you've Told me how bad Sergeant Soldier is, but I didn't experience it) and I don't buy it as a cause of this level of PTSD. If somehow you could establish the PTSD around potatoes in advance of the opening paragraph without relying on the context of the thread, I think this would've been great as a much shorter story. I have nothing against one-note punch-line stories as long as they go all in. But I'm not exactly sure how to accomplish that, so what I'm left with are conflicting feelings. Chili I'm not with you (and maybe a little against you) at the end of the first paragraph. That's a no-no. You've got some office worker with an overactive whiny imagination? Boo-hoo. I hope that the world is actually changing based on his mood or something more interesting. You've got some tense changes that I don't think are intentional (The shadow was / So here I am). And some capitalization issues ("Harv, when are you coming home?" my wife asks.) I probably won't mention these further unless they're particularly egregious. (There's another.) Not waiting for the response is fine, but predicting what the response will be has the opposite of the (I imagine) intended effect, as now I fully expect something to go wrong because of that line. Also I'm not sympathetic to someone who hasn't figured out how to manage his workload. Why the heck is he sabotaging someone else's work now? You list his rationale, but I don't swallow it. I can't conceive of this being a real fellow. Also I make computer games from time to time and work in an office. Why are you saying why so much? It has overstayed its welcome. There's a glimmer of satisfaction in that he actually does see the smiling family at the end (especially since I'd mis-predicted the trajectory), but there were way too many roadblocks for me to enjoy this story. It didn't resonate with me. None of the actions or motivations or descriptions made sense -- I'm not sure if that's because of how similar a situation I've been in or in spite of it. The mental breakdown is underplayed and a bit irritating in style. Ham it up a little more -- spend less time on the encyclopedic parts (which even I glazed over, though I've never been fond of doing assets) and more time on the fun stuff: the flipping out, the discrepancies in working conditions, and an external sense of pressure instead of the bizarrely self-inflicted one. a friendly penguin I'm neither with you nor against you for the first few lines. I don't dislike anything about it but I'm not convinced it will go anywhere interesting, either. Mild amounts of amusement about the doodling (that's easy to relate to), but then a brief hiccup of confusion when Andre responds with "A masterpiece." I had no reason to assume he was looking at Eddie's drawings. I do like that Andre is trying to sell pear sketches to pass as potato sketches. That feels real. The first paragraph of Tuesday is a good one. It conveys a sense of tension and apathy. The banter's better on this day as well. Heh, Bob Ross. The structure and especially the opening paragraphs of each day does convey a sense of progression, but I'm losing interest. They're agreeable characters, but I don't have enough reason to care about them specifically. Something's up with their mom, I guess. Ah, there's some interest in the characters with Andre's outburst. It's set up such that it makes sense in the context, and it's human enough to garner my empathy. For Andre. I feel Eddie's sense of excitement at the potato's growth although I can't comprehend how he wouldn't know how a potato worked. Why is Andre thanking Eddie? I also don't know what Mr. Ashi meant, so the ending jest misses its mark. This story had a few moments of interest, but I'm going to forget about it quickly. Also, don't edit your submissions! Black Griffon I'm up to the first separator, and I'm not feeling much of anything. She's looking for someone who isn't there in a warzone, which should be a little more gripping, but it's not doing it for me. I think the prose is a little to calm for me to feel a sense of urgency, so instead of getting the associations with chaos, confusion, and loss, instead I get a sense of forlorn but perpetual wandering. Not in a poignant way, just not in a way that makes me feel for the protagonist. There should be horror when the solder gets eaten but there just is not enough tension in the prose. It's sort of meditative and now there's a monster. But also I don't care about any of the characters, so predominantly I feel relaxed. Your verbs aren't punchy enough to convey a sense of urgency or danger. "The dust fills the room as Anja shakes the journal, giving birth to beams of light in the haze by the window." That's generally peaceful. "Anja shakes a layer of dust from the journal." That's more immediate. I'm not sure what purpose the other descriptions serve but it strikes me as contradictory with regard to tone. Now you're changing scenes too quickly. The creepy science fiction horror didn't stick to me; again the sentences are too passive and ponderous and reminiscent. Though it's in present tense, the tone makes me feel like the events are being recollected calmly, so the conclusion can't be that dramatic. Too many passive sentences. Or, if you're going for sad, you're not hitting it. The concept here is all right but the execution doesn't do it for me. You're the second person to edit their submission -- that's a big no-no!
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 06:49 |
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LATE CRITS FROM ASSORTED WEEKS Because I try to be a man of my word, even if I'm not particularly punctual about it. Heavy Lies the CROWN OF BLOOD by Curlingiron I selected this story to win its week, and reading it again reminded me why. Your characters all manage to fill specific roles without being bound to or solely defined by them, most impressively the dark spirit inhabiting the Crown of Blood which was more or less exactly what I wanted from the flash rule I gave you. It's only technical downside is it follows a very well-worn arc (but then again, so did my story this week) without too many surprises: someone new is introduced but their character/credentials are doubted, they prove themselves and win the begrudging respect/admiration of their naysayers. Regardless, you wrote a fun story about characters I enjoyed spending time with. Good show. Free Skate by Kaishai First off, you do an absolutely wonderful job setting the scene and drawing out the atmosphere in this story. You were given the 80s to work with and this feels 80s. What's more, you manage to walk this thin line between being vague and specific, which gives the whole story this dream-like quality without sacrificing the realness of what's transpiring. Your protagonist is tempted and resists, and must fight for her soul - metaphorically, of course, but with a kind of surprisingly sinister undercurrent that makes it feel like more's at stake. In he end she wins, and we're glad of it. One hopes she'll be able to win every time. Psalm 130 by QuoProQuid While it's true I owe quite a few crits spread out over quite a few weeks, this was never one of the weeks I ever intended to revisit for one big reason: most of these submissions were never going to be able to stand on their own merits, divorced from the proceedings which created them. This one is no different. As a piece of the larger "Puzzle" it fits in about as well as the majority of its contemporaries, but on its own it lacks a certain substance. Your protagonist is definied more by her "Job" than who she is as a person; she has an objective, stumbles upon something she thinks will help her achieve it, then exits stage right. There's just not a whole lot going on here beneath all the words. Sorry. Wish You were Here by Kaishai It's been long enough since I last read this that I completely forgot the "Twist." It's a good twist, and a nice take on the week's theme. Although this was already covered by the prompt then, I'm glad you don't waste time spelling out the hows and whys behind the letters; they just work, because that's how it goes. The characters have a familiar warmth to them and an intimately knowable relationship, which works well even if it is a bit well-trodden path. Saving Daylight by Chairchucker So I really liked this story. You slowly sketched out what exactly was going on in a really satisfying way, and while you only really have one character she's got a lot of it - character, I mean. The tone is a little wonky, sometimes solemn, sometimes snarky, but it works more than it doesn't since it suggests a certain sort of narrator, and our protagonist is the narrator. The bittersweet ending was well-considered as well. I'd enjoy seeing more stuff like this from you, Chair. Four of Five Come Down Vesh Mountain, Carrying with them Divine-Ordained Change by Thranguy A bunch of people talking about stuff I don't understand or care about, followed by a cluttered action sequence I don't care about, followed by a bunch of exposition about a several plot details I now understand but still don't care about. You spend a lot of time trying to "Suggest" your world rather than spell it out, which would be good if it weren't so reliant on referring off-handedly to labeled concepts and events we couldn't possible know, but your characters lack anything to really draw me in. I'd rather have interesting characters in a bland setting than bland characters in an interesting setting, which was the whole point of this "Fantasy RPG party" exercise. Apply yourself.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 08:10 |
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Hammer Bro. posted:Tipua (1000 words) The big problem with this story is that I have no loving clue what anything means. Like, I can see the individual actions/occurrences, but their significance is a complete mystery. It makes it hard for me to find anything else to crit, honestly. I'm sad, because I feel like there is a cool world underlying all this, but I can't get a handle on it. It's okay for one thing to be of unclear significance until the end (though it's still not my favorite), but I can't really understand what any of it means even at the end. quote:The Waka drifted to a stop half a league from harbor. Its sails were tattered, its hold depleted, and its crew exsanguinated. No one knew why Tangaroa sent the boats back. was exsanguinated a word you had to use? B/C that means drained of blood, and I have no idea what that means (assuming it's a metaphor). quote:fac·ile
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 08:45 |
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WEEK NO. 102 REDEMPTION Blessed (821 words) The roof of the cave was a tangled network of roots. The old man found a sturdy one, testing its strength; he hung his lantern. Bathed in the light of a strange blue flame, strange shapes churned in the shadows of the ceiling. In the corner sat the girl. In her arms was his dog. The dog’s breath came in short, haggard bursts, his foreleg wrapped in provisional bandages. The girl had applied them herself, tearing her skirt, pulling it taught. The old man looked to the mouth of the cave. Beyond beat the rain, harsh and unrelenting. Track her down. Bring her back. The old man’s instructions lingered in his mind. She was a girl with plain, solemn features and dull and distant eyes. Marking her forehead were twin nubs that had once been horns. Beautiful horns more analogous to antlers. They’d been found sawn off, left behind in her bed. The old man sat across from her, his face half in shadow. He raised a hand and felt his budding whiskers. The flame in the lantern flickered and danced. “Will he live?” he asked, though he knew the answer. “He will,” said the girl. Her words were absolute. A hunter’s trap, poised and ready, lay hidden in the undergrowth. An arrow coated in poison. The dog barked, the girl ran, and the dog chased dutifully after. The girl tripped the snare, but the dog took the arrow. The old man drummed his fingers against the stock of his rifle. Trapped in this cave, isolated by the rain, they were like the last survivors of some great cataclysm. He looked to the girl and the dog. This cave was their ark. The girl held the dog’s leg in her hands. She caressed his wound with a gentle, knowing touch. It was the same touch she used in the village square. She reached out, as though plucking ephemerals threads from the air. She whispered words that had never been written. The dog’s breathing settled. He welcomed sleep. She let out a sigh, a finger to her temple. “Mother always told me anyone who lives their life for another is blessed beyond measure. I don’t know whether I believe that or not, but I’d like to believe it. I’d like to think it’s true. You and your dog,” she scratched behind its ear, “As far back as I can remember you made the rounds, kept us safe. Did you feel blessed? ” The old man halted his drumming. “Not especially,” he said. The drumming continued. “I see.” The girl looked to the mouth of the cave. For awhile there was silence. Then the man spoke. “I take it you didn’t?” “Not especially,” she returned his words. “Is that why you ran?” “I’d think anyone would.” “You didn’t feel needed?” “They don’t need me.” “You’re an essential part of the village.” “They don’t even know my name.” She looked to the old man. “Do you know my name?” The old man didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. The spell of the lantern’s sway continued into the night. The gulf of silence between the girl and the old man grew, until they could be no further apart. The old man inspected his rifle. He took it apart, piece by piece. Each piece he studied in the pale blue light. He put it back together under the girl’s watchful eye. “Why did you stop to save my dog?” The girl blinked, her expression uncertain. “Excuse me?” “Why did you stop? You could’ve easily made your escape.” “The fault was mine. I’ll not be used, but I’ll not leave debts.” The old man scratched his chin. “Go to sleep,” he said. The morning brought with it the strength of the sun, the dwindling sea subject to its whims. The old man stepped out and shielded his eyes. The girl followed after, and with her the dog. “I suppose we’re going back then,” she said. “We’re not,” said the man. He whistled, and in an instant his dog was at his side. He bent down and undid the bandage, the torn skirt now stained dark red with died blood. The dog stood tenderly on his leg. At a glance he bore no trace of a cut. The old man gripped the fabric tightly. “After weathering the storm, this is what we found.” The girl watched him disappear into the distance, rifle at his shoulder, his dog at his heels. In time he was naught but a memory. In time so was she. Beyond the forest there ran an old road, a vein for commerce and families on foot. In the distance was a city. The girl stepped toward it. “Well now, what’s all this?” The speaker was a young woman smoking a pipe. She drove a horse and cart. She appraised the girl. “What’s your name, forest child?” The girl smiled softly. “I’m glad you asked.”
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 10:25 |
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Good news! quoproquid has been chosen to post week 201's prompt while GP goes on his vision quest or whatever. The next prompt should be up bright and early. (If you're confused, what's happening is: Grizzled Patriarch won week 199. Since week 200hundred was a special 'takeover' week, GP was technically slotted to just week 201. He's going out of town, and agreed that QPQ could take his place. The winner of week 200 will get some sort of prize in lieu of judging, though I'm sure QPQ would welcome the help if they wanted to step up and co-judge week 201)
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 10:41 |
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Thunderdome Week CCI: Old Russian Joke That's right, kids. I'm taking over! The blood throne has been abolished. Long live the Thunderdome dictatorship of the proletariat! One of my favourite historical periods is early 20th century Russia. In the lead up to the 1917 Revolutions, Russians produced a slew of art, fiction, and journalism. And much of it has a sense of manic desperation about it. I’ve collected some of my favourite pieces here: http://imgur.com/a/dAzDY/all When you sign up this week, pick a picture from the above gallery and write a story about it. (Also put your picture in [TIMG][/TIMG] tags because some are kind of big.) I don’t expect (or necessarily want) historical fiction or a one-to-one translation of your picture, but your story should be in some way inspired by what you pick. Be as literal or as abstract with your pick as you want. If you don't feel like scrolling through that album, you can also ask one of the judges to pick an image for you. Oh, and one more thing. I’m tired of reading a bunch of sad stories about sad people. Regardless of what you pick, your story must have a happy ending. If I don’t see some positive, forward movement by the end, you will be sent to the gulag. Judges QuoProQuid, General-Secretary of the Supreme Thunderdome Soviet Sparksbloom, Chairman of the Council of Judging Commissars Kaishai, First Secretary of the Presidium of the Supreme Thunderdome Soviet Final Sign-Up Deadline: 11:59:59 PM EST on Friday, 10 June 2016 Submission Deadline: 11:59:59 PM EST on Sunday, 12 June 2016 Word Count: 1200 words Sign-Ups: 1. Fuubi 2. Chili 3. Carcer 4. Marshmallow Blue 5. ZeBourgeoisie 6. Chernabog 7. flerp 8. skwidmonster 9. Paladinus 10. Mr. Gentleman 11. Ibexaz 12. Bad Seafood 13. astrofig 14. Screaming Idiot 15. Benny Profane 16. Thranguy 17. a friendly penguin 18. magnificent7 19. Black Griffon 20. Entenzahn 21. Tyrannosaurus QuoProQuid fucked around with this message at 03:00 on Jun 11, 2016 |
# ? Jun 7, 2016 11:11 |
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Hell, last week was a disaster. This week I'm in for a catastrophe!
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 11:15 |
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I'm in. And thanks for the crit, Hammer Bro!
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 11:52 |
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In. Wringing a happy ending out of those pictures, though... edit: to claim the picture. Carcer fucked around with this message at 15:03 on Jun 7, 2016 |
# ? Jun 7, 2016 11:58 |
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I feel like kind of a wuss for not picking up any flashrules for the 200th. Can I request that I get assigned a picture?
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 13:15 |
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Chili posted:I feel like kind of a wuss for not picking up any flashrules for the 200th. Can I request that I get assigned a picture?
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 13:18 |
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Thank you sir.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 13:25 |
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In it not not lose it.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 13:50 |
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In.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 14:10 |
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Critiquing: Chernabog posted:Tuesday words: This reads like a bad holiday movie. I’m sure you meant the holiday movie part, what with the title and all, but I’m also sure you didn’t want it to be bad. It might be worse than bad though because in bad holiday movies, the protagonist usually learns a lesson while also triumphing over the hubristic antagonist albeit in a ham-fisted way. Your main character doesn’t go through any growth or have any change at all. I also have a hard time believing much of what happens in the story. The likelihood that his wife would use his prized potatoes without a second thought but also be willing to sabotage someone else’s entry is low. The time constraints you put on Asher to not be able to find russet potatoes at a different store but yet he has time to answer all of the police questions in a double homicide doesn’t work either. The possibility that two men are actually killed by falling safety equipment (oh the irony) in a shopping center is so outside the realm of belief, that my interest also died right there. (I know it was a flash rule, but… meh.) Your story needs better obstacles than the ones you have set up and they need to actually feel real. All of the problems you set up for your character are either unbelievable or easily overcome. All of your characters are flat. Asher shows no emotion, even when he wins and Boris doesn’t. His humility at the end is meaningless since it juxtaposes nothing. His lack of concern for two people who died, including someone he actually knew, in fact points to him as likely having no feelings whatsoever. But I think I’m putting more thought into this than you did. It is a story, there is a beginning, middle and end. There are characters. But those two things are where you stopped. You need to go a little further in developing your whole work. Asking some basic questions like: What does this story show? Who would my characters be in other situations? What do I want to accomplish with this story and have I done it?
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 14:25 |
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a friendly penguin posted:Critiquing: IN with
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 14:45 |
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These pictures are making me sad you guys.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 16:03 |
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Critiquing:QuoProQuid posted:Negative Space I am a bad writer and also a bad reader, so I thought it would be helpful for me if I tried to analyze a better writer. Hope you get something out of it too. There is a lot of tension in your story which makes it compelling. The need for the action to take place in the span of a breath gives it an element of time crunch. But there’s also the opposing male figures. Immediately the reader can’t help but hope (along with Tabby) that her teacher will be a foil to the father. But at the same time, the brain strays to the other possibility and is dreading it. It’s well paced. I can see that in the way you set up the previously mentioned question but without it feeling as if the reader has to wade through the entire story to find out the answer. Similar to the point of your story, you use negative space to say a lot. I can’t say that I understand all of what you’re trying to say. Like the paragraph after she receives her paper back. “She pretended not to see the smug, pitiless glances of the other girls. She tried to ignore the graffiti in the bathroom, the leering boys in the hallways, and the giggling whispers that were always just loud enough to hear.” What exactly could they know? Or perhaps that they know is all in her head. She just perceives that all of their looks and sneers are directed at her. But it does get me thinking. However, I think this story could use even more negative space. In the sparse style you’ve already created, you’ve almost got too much description of the father’s lusty actions. Even your descriptions of the English teacher could use some trimming. Your story is relatable, compelling and plunges depths of the human mind and human behavior.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 16:06 |
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in and give me a pic tia
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 16:16 |
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IN for Mother Russia.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 16:25 |
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a friendly penguin posted:Critiquing: Thank you. This is very helpful. flerp posted:in and give me a pic tia
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 16:55 |
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:A time-invested line-crit. Thanks for the crit; it was illuminating and informative. Yes, I did mean exsanguinated literally. Also thanks Tyrannosaurus for the crit a few weeks back. Also educational.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 17:18 |
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In and flip me a pic please
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 17:38 |
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Tyrannosaurus posted:Week 199: Buddyweek Buddycrits Thanks and yeah, pretty much!
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 17:59 |
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Thanks for the crit, flerp! Can I get my losertar now?
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 18:11 |
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# ? Apr 24, 2024 07:07 |
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Paladinus posted:Thanks for the crit, flerp! i think ur safe buddy
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 18:19 |