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Looks like the ban washed my loser tar away just like rain washes tainted souls. I am reborn a new man and will not lose again.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 18:33 |
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# ? Apr 19, 2024 03:20 |
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^^^ lolflerp posted:i think ur safe buddy Well, gently caress. I'm in for this week then. Give me the image, господинъ QuoProQuid.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 18:36 |
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Here's the promised linecrit for QuidProQuid's week 199 story:quote:As my brother rises to his feet, I find the stench of his psychiatric hospital suddenly overpowering. Gone is the smell of disinfectant and death and deodorized air fresheners. In its place is urine and blood. The odor of something senselessly alive. Something that refuses to die. watch the adverbs. they show a lack of confidence in your ability to convey meaning. trust your story and your voice. first sentence is snappier without “suddenly” and probably “psychiatric” too; “senselessly” adds ambiguity and muddles the punchy impact of the fragments.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 19:08 |
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another recap post Hello goons, here are some more recaps. First up are weeks 186 and 187: Ignoble Prizes and Lost in Translation. Archive links This was a rerecording because, as it turns out, even I have standards for how clunky these recordings are allowed to be. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE Up next are weeks 190 and 191: Three-Course Tale and We Talk Good. Archive links!! As always, we discuss the prompts, what worked, and what really, really did not work, along with dramatic readings for your pleasure. Thank you for listening! And to Kaishai, Djeser, and Ironic Twist More fun (thanks kai!): pre:Episode Recappers Week 156: LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser Week 157: BOW BEFORE THE BUZZSAW OF PROGRESS Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 158: LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser Week 159: SINNERS ORGY Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 160: Spin the wheel! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 161: Negative Exponents Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 36: Polishing Turds -- A retrospective special! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino Week 162: The best of the worst and the worst of the best Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino Week 163: YOUR STUPID poo poo BELONGS IN A MUSEUM Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 164: I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Souvlaki Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 165: Back to School Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 166: Comings and Goings Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 167: Black Sunshine Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 168: She Stole My Wallet and My Heart Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 169: Thunderdome o' Bedlam Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 170: Cities & Kaiju Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 171: The Honorable THUNDERDOME CLXXI Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 172: Thunderdome Startup Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 173: Pilgrim's Progress Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 174: Ladles and Jellyspoons Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 175: Speels of Magic Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 176: Florida Man and/or Woman Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 125: Thunderdome is Coming to Town -- Our sparkly past! SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood Week 177: Sparkly Mermen 2: Electric Merman Boogaloo SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood Week 178: I'm not mad, just disappointed Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 179: Strange Logs Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 180: Maybe I'm a Maze Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 181: We like bloodsports and we don't care who knows! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 182: Domegrassi Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood Week 183: Sorry Dad, I Was Late To The Riots Sitting Here, Djeser, Kaishai, and crabrock Week 184: The 2015teen Great White Elephant Prompt Exchange Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 98: Music of the Night -- Songs of another decade Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 185: Music of the Night, Vol. II Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 188: Insomniac Olympics Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 189: knight time Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 20:25 on Jun 7, 2016 |
# ? Jun 7, 2016 19:34 |
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Paladinus posted:^^^ lol sparksbloom posted:Here's the promised linecrit for QuidProQuid's week 199 story: Also very helpful. I appreciate the line-by-line sparksbloom. You touched on a lot of issues that I agree with and I will make sure to keep your crit in mind going forward.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 22:50 |
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Mr Gentleman posted:In and flip me a pic please
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 22:55 |
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In for my first ever Thunderdome piece, and my first piece of fiction in over five years. Let's hope I don't royally gently caress up!
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 23:15 |
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42 Sentences about 42 Stories So, I've read or skimmed just about everything in the course of following the livecrits, so.. 1 ZeBourgeoisie Steak and Baked Potatoes A good start to the week, although the version of Russian Roulette in which the chamber is spun between each round works better as a game, since you avoid the round six problem. 2 Ziji Full Metal Applebee's An exercise in tonal mismatch, mixing not-quite-funny absurdism with serious themes taken not-quite-seriously and landing nowhere near the dark humor zone that's the only place this story could have succeeded. 3 Chili "potatos.jpg" I'm not sure why anything that happens in this story happens, and also don't know that this guy would recognize the above-ground part of a potato plant or expect potatos.jpg to be a picture of that asset, let alone the fact that a CGI render is not going to story 3D assets in a jpg file at all. 4 a friendly penguin Still Life Harmless and charming little story with a stray quotation mark in the last line. 5 Black Griffon Damien This one didn't really stay with me, although I do like the mixture of desperation and decadence in the setting. 6 Chernabog A very potato miracle I don't really buy the inciting incident here, that Rivkah would mash his contest potatoes so casually without a level of cruelty that just isn't present in the whole story. 7 Guiness13 Hope Takes Root Effective at what it does, but why would you want to do that? 8 Hammer Bro. Tipua Less of a story tan an incident in a larger narrative, but reasonably entertaining. 9 Screaming Idiot Small Potatoes Think you could have trimmed a bit of the stilted dialog to spend more words on the action parts of the story. 10 sparksbloom When Life Gives You Potatoes Weird and sweet, but I'm not sure that enough potatoes are being generated fast enough to make making Vodka practical (17 lbs per bottle) 11 dmboogie A Plague a' Your Thatched-Roof Cottages Just the right amount of dialect, although the one in the title doesn't quite match the one in the story. 12 Carcer Stay Warm. I think it was probably a mistake to keep Andy out of the conversation; that a story in which a silver-tongued nihilist actually directly convinces Andy to do what he does has more potential to be interesting and actually earn the ending you picked. 13 Pippin It's Not Always Black and White Another charming and harmless little story, pulling off a low-self-esteem viewpoint character better than most dome stories that try. 14 Mercedes BATTLE OF THE HASHBROWN A nice, light and fluffy potato puncake. 15 QuoProQuid Negative Space Effective if depressing take on difficult and dark material. 16 Entenzahn The Green on the Other Side I don't understand the last line, whether it's a literal crib for a baby not yet mentioned or just slang for house. 17 Benny Profane Benthos Good imagery and prose, but the parts don't really properly pull together. 18 Chainmail Onesie Pursuit Using 'Eva' in a mecha story seems a bit unimaginative. 19 Titus82 To Understand the Moon I'm not sure what to make of the ending bit: a dream, an afterlife, a rescue by the actual, somehow not-dead Josephine? 20 Fuschia tude The Pits This kind of story lives and dies on the strength of its voice, and this one almost has enough to live. 21 Tyrannosaurus A Bad Man for a Good Cause A mighty fine seinen feinen story, that. 22 Ironic Twist Unknown Did such a good job making the Tuesday words blend in that on first reading I thought you'd ignored that part of the prompt as well as the wordcount, far better than every other Tuesday person but you did have the unfair advantage of having more space to hide them. 23 magnificent7 Title: BLUESDADS DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT. The ending is a bit of an anticlimax, since the protagonist really didn't have all that much agency in making it happen. 24 flerp Spudipus Complex That title makes even less sense with this story than with the original, and I feel like you ought to be capitalizing 'You' when referring to God although that rule may not be as strong as it is for 'He'. 25 SurreptitiousMuffin Balance (Oorlog, Winter) I disagree with sh's take: potatoes usually come In fields, and if he's found one he'll probably find enough to save him. 26 mistaya The World's Largest Potato One of my favorite opening lines from the week, but I'll say that this one could do with a few more uses of 'said' over other dialog word choices. 27 Obliterati Galvanised Would have done worse in the original potato week when the judges wanted the potatoes to be super-important in the stories. 28 Mr Gentleman The Curious Matter of the Nattily-Dressed Man If I'd issued that flashrule, I wouldn't be satisfied by putting celebrity names on dimestore imitation Sherlock Holmeses. 29 spectres of autism Artemis A pretty cool story, but slice of life it surely isn't. 30 Killer-of-Lawyers The Starch that Binds Me This is needs more character and a strong voice to be less of a not-all-that-interesting essay and more of a story. 31 skwidmonster Losing Sweet, almost but not quite too sweet. 32 The Saddest Rhino What We Say to Each Other When We Can No Longer Talk I feel like this is too complicated an idea to fit into a 1000 word story and still properly have room for the story itself. 33 Boaz-Jachim By the Grace of God grow Potatoes Why didn't he just eat some fish? 34 Noah Metaballphosis Introducing a dead father in the last sentence is a bit cheap, no? 35 curlingiron Family Time See, now this is a good slice-of-life story, very charming. 36 Kaishai For Life Reminds me of the story you did for Black Sunshine week, another effective short horror piece about murderous vegetables that leaves me wanting more, wanting to see this kind of thing in a context where people actually have to deal with the monster in some way other than being killed by it. 37 Paladinus Four Holy Spuds 'Cloudy' is an odd choice of generic curse word for a society living in the clouds. 38 Dr. Kloctopussy Collapse Competently written, but the characters are both too unlikable to really hold the story together. 39 Thranguy Mashed Potatoes and Stuff Like That [Redacted] 40 Fuubi Perfect Art The point of this week (well, Tuesday to Friday), I think, is to come up with interesting and compelling reasons for characters to care enough about spuds to agaonize over them, not to just insert bizarre potato-motivations without explanation. 41 Bad Seafood A Starchy Situation I think that last minute flash word did more harm than you thought it did. 42 Capntastic A Man Agonizes Over His Potatoes, 2.0 POTATOES DO NOT GROW FROM SEEDS 43 Marshmellow Blue King of Starch The dialect is problematic and gets in the way of the story, and you've got a 'you're'/'your' error in there.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 23:26 |
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Ibexaz posted:In for my first ever Thunderdome piece, and my first piece of fiction in over five years. Let's hope I don't royally gently caress up! Don't worry, if you do you can get a sick avatar like this one.
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# ? Jun 7, 2016 23:49 |
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In.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 00:26 |
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Thranguy posted:42 Sentences about 42 Stories Thabks for the crit! Good points.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 01:13 |
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Thanks for the crit thranguy!
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 01:44 |
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Thranguy posted:almost Thranks!
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 02:14 |
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WEEK 199 CRITS These aren't the crits you're looking for right now, but here's the last chunk of them anyway. Demons Catastrophe: A single bullet. I like the gist of this story, but I feel like it ultimately falls flat. Your prose is pretty, but kinda stilted. Your sentence structure breaks into a bunch of short sentences a few times, like the second paragraph, and it breaks up the flow of your words too much, imo. Lauren’s biggest character trait seems to be that she’s completely devoted to The Saint, but since there isn’t really much to the Saint other than him being basically Jesus, it leaves her feeling pretty flat. You do have some nice details, like the flower crown and the singing, but it still isn’t enough for me to get a solid read on anyone. For a story centered around Lauren’s emotions, the fact that she’s monologuing after the fact puts too much distance from everything for any of it to really hit. The ending fits the story well, but I couldn’t really take the “but I’m not loving saint” line seriously. Mid-pile. How hosed: I don’t think your messiah wanted a martyr. The Shape Of Human Hearts Catastrophe: Shining brightly. I feel like this story showcases the best way to handle sci-fi in flash fiction. There are enough details about the setting (the ration chute, the translation collars) to give us a good picture of what things are like without every getting bogged down in technobabble or other exposition, and none of it takes the focus away from what’s ultimately a very basic, human conflict. The relationship between Hamid and Connie is incredibly sweet, as is the way they deal with their communication breakdown. My only real complaint is that for a world-ending disaster, the wall of light isn’t very present in the story. It’s effectively introduced in the first paragraph, but because it’s not mentioned again until the second-to-last paragraph I had to go back and reread to remember what you were talking about. You had about 200 words to spare, I feel like it would have been best to sprinkle in a couple more references to the light in the main body of your story. How hosed: Soon they’ll just be silhouettes. A Plea to the Little Bird Catastrophe: Barely present. More of a prose poem than a story, but your prose is beautiful so I don’t really care. The image of a musician sitting a campfire, scribbling down song lyrics to try and hold onto as much of their passion as possible is strong and absolutely fits the spirit of the prompt, if not the letter. Still, I really would have preferred if you had made the catastrophe more present. The single line hinting at it is effective, but also easily missed on a first read. How hosed: Hell if I know. There’s wolves nearby, I guess. Poor Little Terry Catastrophe: Ship’s gone down. Gotta admit, your first paragraph made me until I read further on and realized what you were going for. You took a big risk in that this sort of story sinks or swims depending on how well you can pull off the style, and the consistent capitalizations and repetitions give poor little terry a strong enough voice to carry the story, even if the substance is a bit lacking. I liked the last section on its own merits, but I don’t know how necessary it was in the greater scheme of the story? It doesn’t give us any new information except for further hammering in how far gone Terry is, which the rest of the story never exactly left in doubt. Mid-high pile. How hosed: Death cometh in the end for all (of course). But how it happens is all the difference (of course). In the highways, in the hedges Catastrophe: Rapture. It was nice to read something mostly light-hearted this week! I appreciated this piece’s sense of humor, and the banter between the siblings makes their relationship very believable. I like the way you flesh out the god-hosed setting with casual references to goatmen and fallen skyscrapers, and the ending’s a complete punch in the gut. I don’t have much else to say, really, this was a pretty close candidate for winner. How hosed: If the weather ever withers up your vine, Jacob knows a ladder you can climb. On Soft, Dark Wings Catastrophe: A butterfly’s effect. drat, this one hurt. The idealized, picture-esque first half of the story was so pleasant that I forgot to watch out for the second shoe to drop, and drop it did. The transition to the bad times half of the story was incredibly jarring and effective, especially when you go back and catch the foreshadowing. Ian was a well-characterized kid, especially his confused crying after tearing up the butterfly. How hosed: Too many for one boy to catch and out of his reach far too late. Emergence Catastrophe: Fire, fire. Apparently you wrote this in like two hours so I’m just gonna acknowledge the proofreading elephant in the room this once and then move on. I do like Henry’s characterization, especially his last words to Priscilla, and his relationship with Janet is a promising start for something interesting. Unfortunately, while I was lenient with the prompt for a lot of entries this week, this story is actually the opposite of the prompt, which I can’t really ignore. There’s never any real sense of danger from the fire and Henry is actually better off at the end of the story than he was before. It did manage to keep my attention the entire way through, so props for that. Mid-pile. How hosed: I mean, I assume they’ll have dinner first. Legion Catastrophe: War, what is it good for. I like a lot of the concepts you’ve put down here, but none of it is really fleshed out at all. A bandit who’s been press-ganged into military service is a cool idea for a protagonist, but Brooke has literally one line of dialogue. She apparently did something cool to a gryphon, according to one of the nameless, generic knights who don’t really matter to the story at all, but as that was offscreen Brooke’s basically a complete blank slate. The rest of the problems basically follow from that: sure, fighting an eternal war against the legions of hell is a pretty metal concept, but when you’re seeing it through the eyes of a complete cipher there’s no weight to anything. You’ve got a lot of proofreading errors, too. You switch between past and present tense a couple times, and you’re inconsistent with the way you punctuate dialogue, too. Some advice: when you’re writing flash fiction, focus on your characters first, not the setting. 1000 words isn’t a lot at all, and no matter how cool an idea for a world you have, it won’t count for much if there isn’t a reason for us to care. A good character will carry a short piece much further than anything but the best world-building. Low-pile. How hosed: And what will happen? Will I dream? I am too scared to close my eyes.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 02:56 |
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Thank you all for the crits on my terrible story for potato week!
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 03:34 |
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Potato Crits for Carcer and Pippin Carcer, "Stay Warm." "Seemed to cause"? Andy is the perspective character. There should be no doubt regarding whether his shoulders are dropping or not. You have another "seemed" clause in the second paragraph. As much as I like that word in something like a crit, where it acknowledges the possibility of misconception, it's often piffle in fiction. Nothing else has come of Andy's drinking jaunt at this point in the story. There's no seem about it. Your mechanics need work all around. You don't punctuate dialogue correctly; you should spell out numbers below one hundred; the plural of potato isn't potato's. The first two are common errors from inexperienced writers. The last is atrocious, so cut that out! How does Dave know the word "piscatorial"? This entry is heavy on talking and light on everything else. Granted, that's Bad Seafood's fault almost as much as yours. No matter who's to blame, it's unfortunate; the would-be-philosophical blathering goes on and on and dulls a story that didn't shine to begin with. You hit sebmojo's flash rule, more or less: Andy's money problem is more like one secret than two even with multiple contributing factors, but it's close enough for horseshoes. You skipped the anime-genre requirement for Thursday. Did you think Seafood's rule canceled it out? That would be easy enough to do that I'm not inclined to hold it against you. What I do begrudge is Andy setting his whole family on fire out of nowhere. That's bizarre rather than dark and dramatic. Suicide I would have bought, but murder is over the top, and pointing to the prompt in the last paragraph is one more pound of salt on the ground. **************** *************** ******************** * ******************** *************** Pippin, "It's Not Always Black and White" The final beat is so sweet that it nearly makes up for the fact that I just read nearly a thousand words of painstaking description of the setup of a domino chain, but this is still too long for what it is, and what it is isn't much beyond that gentle twist ending. You don't have a lot in the way of story here. A man fussing over dominoes isn't interesting enough in its own right to carry this length. You could cut it down easily--why did there need to be a cat, for example?--and it would probably be sweeter for being shorter. It wouldn't hurt if more happened; Ray spends most of the story checking on dominoes. You could change the focus slightly to show him arranging that chain. Maybe add a conflict: what if Kayleigh called to tell him she was coming home early and he had to race the clock? While I'll be surprised if such a slight entry puts you above the middle of the pack, it's written well enough and has enough charm that I'll also be surprised if you land in the low end. Kaishai fucked around with this message at 04:44 on Jun 8, 2016 |
# ? Jun 8, 2016 04:31 |
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dmboogie posted:WEEK 199 CRITS hello, thanks!
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 04:55 |
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more crits Zeb quote:I leaned back in my chair and Tom lit himself a cigar. A revolver laid on the table, and in the cabin’s dim light it gleamed like a cursed jewel second half of this sentence is passive. "it gleamed like a cursed jewel in the cabin's dim light" is more active and i would even think about cutting the dim light part. Grabbing the bottle of vodka I’d brought, I poured myself a shot idk if this is technically passive but it feels passive. "I grabbed the bottle of vodka and poured myself a shot works better imho (you dont need to have I'd brought because if he a bottle of vodka of course it was brought). -if you shorten them to em, it should be spelt like 'em. -im not really seeing a point? there's a revolver so i was expecting like, some action or crazy poo poo, but theyre just talking about what they had for dinner or whatever? seems like a waste -couldve gotten to the russian roulete a lot faster i think. that stuff's more interesting. i think you were trying to get some character in before then but idk i think you can show that better through the plot or at least do it in a more interesting manner. -idk somebody about this prose just isnt quite working for me. im not quite sure what it is, but there's just something odd about it that it feels kind of stilted. -i didnt really feel like i read 900 words which i guess is a good thing but also i didnt really feel like you took full advantage of the words. the ending could have been affecting but it just doesnt land well because i dont really care about these characters. sparks -ugh vague pronoun in the opening line. jfc. -also do warts show up on your backs? i only ever got them on my hands. i guess so. -eh idk about this prose. it just feels a little too tongue-in-cheek for me. quote:And I’ve lost my appetite for them, too, which I suppose is a fringe benefit, since I’d really don’t need the carbs. kill your babies -"sort-of." c'mon sparks. you know better than that. using these vague words SUCK -i just... ok, i just hate it when people do things like that "surprise." like, it wouldve been fine if you said no surprise, but that like breaking up of surprise just gets an eye roll from me because its like that kind of wacky movie where the character goes "surprise" and it's just like oh nice cliche you got there. quote:– everyone knows sweet potatoes are much more hip than regular old potatoes kill you are babies (like seriously you dont need this. potatoes people next to each other are obv gonna be competitors i dont give a poo poo if sweet potatoes are hip or w/e) -dialogue's p okay quote:I frowned, feeling more alone that ever. Emma's affliction was obviously the better deal. What’s a pockmarked schlub hemorrhaging potatoes to a beautiful woman blossoming with sweet potato shoots? I’d take a little pain if it meant I didn’t have to feel so gross all the time. i dont get this at all. i just... wow your character is apparently before very stupid and kind of an rear end. "man im so jealous of this lady having to constantly experience pain because she likes it more?" i feel like your making a statement here but idk what it is. -i dont think labeling your potatoes as supernatural is a v good idea but your character is an idiot so i believe hed do that. -too much talking get on with it -you see what i liked about this earlier was how you were like "yeah w/e my character has potatoes fall out of her body nbd" but now your being like "LOOK HOW WACKY THIS IS" and im just like ughhhhh -that ending sucks. -also what was the point? like, it's wacky but doesn't hit full comedy but it's almost like you were just betting on me being like "oh man someone has potatoes falling out of them lol" but like, that's not funny? and nothing relaly happens tbh. like the character doesnt do anything and i guess maybe the fact that he decides to go and make vodka makes him like change and go out more but like i thought you were setting up a love story and then you didnt and tbh i was kind of disappointed (at least based on the ending). i think the issue was primarily that you need to kill your babies in this story. like the beginning intro. dont care. guy excretes potatoes. establish that a lot quicker. get to your story. dmboogie -"of course" stop guys please. you dont need those words. they are crutches. cut cut cut. -ok first paragraph is fun though and that last line in the first paragraph made me giggle. -"strangely" plz guys. stop w/ adverbs. and strangely is such a bad adverb. -adverbs are bad. how many times do i have to say that. adverbs bad. -oh ok girl is strong enought o life a full grown dude and crate. thats uh a little odd. -adverbs. dear god the adverbs. -i do love gods that are just assholes and also p dumb. its fun. -that second paragraph in the second scene. good. funny. cut the last line. it's too "THIS IS A JOKE HEY GUYS DID YOU NTOICE THIS IS A JOKE" -idk why but the "the lord of storm, stormlord" made me giggle. -NOOOOOOOOO ALL CAPS DIALOGUE. why -oh the conflict's over. that was easy. yeah you were obviously hit by the word count and then was just like eh gotta finish this up. kinda lame imho. -ok the ending line made me laugh though. -the humor worked for me and the story didnt revolve around it though. i think this needs to be expanded though. the ending was too easy. Boaz -before i start thank Kai, she told me to crit this -by "his werewolf" i think of it as like his dog. also i like the casual "yeah its a werewolf nbd" -its weird that you call him the werewolf for the first two times (the second time being after the name drop) and then you shift to his name. maybe just change the werewolf to thomas (and in the beginning just be like Thomas, a werewolf or w/e) -bitter's a taste. how is a rumble bitter? -ugh this action isnt interesting. i dont really care. -im just skimming the action tbh. its not terrible but i just dont care enough. -that's it? really? -idgi -i mean i know what happened but like... that's it? that's all you got for me. "monk beats up a werewolf for a little bit" and that's all you got for me? and like him getting beat up makes the werewolf change his whole entire nature or something? idk. that doesn't make sense. i was hoping for something more, but this a scene. i thought there'd be some more substantive in this but there really doesnt feel like there is anything. its just action and not much else and that's not really my jam. i want something bigger than just people fighting each other. something meaningful. this feels close to meaningful, but not there. flerp fucked around with this message at 05:30 on Jun 8, 2016 |
# ? Jun 8, 2016 05:26 |
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Never done this before but I wanna play. Hit me with an image!
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 06:27 |
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Astrofig posted:Never done this before but I wanna play. Hit me with an image!
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 10:59 |
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In! Hit me with an image I can use to write a disappointing story.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 11:06 |
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Screaming Idiot posted:In! Hit me with an image I can use to write a disappointing story.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 11:39 |
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me burning all the terrible stories this week with my mind
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 12:31 |
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Oh, QuoProQuid since you don't want to look up Grawlix, it's that stupid using "#%%%!" for swears. Also, I want to thank you again for the inline crit as it really helped my story this week.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 13:44 |
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Thanks for the crit, flerp! Also thanks Ent for the brawl line-by-line.
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# ? Jun 8, 2016 14:08 |
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A line-by-line for Carcer. Hope this helps.Carcer posted:Thursday Group Prompt: A man agonizes over potatoes.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 01:51 |
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Ok, I decided to scroll through the stories that hadn’t been critiqued in depth and pick one at random. I picked Ironic Twist’s Unknown.Ironic Twist posted:5732 words gently caress. I really enjoyed the first bit, especially the first line. It hooked me and set a nice anticipatory mood. The image of the jumbotrons really set an imposing image, almost menacing. The reveal of Audrina was well done, but I felt robbed when it all turned out to be a glorified MC gig. Total anti-climax. Also, I know BPM stands for the Beatific Presence Monolith, but every goddamn time I read it as beats per minute. Maybe that was intentional, since the heart-beats of the ranked seems to play a role in the whole thing, but I found it distracting. Once I got past that, though, the slow build to Audrina jumping ship after Unknown made #1 worked. Her mental breakdown and escape at the end was a bit muddled, though. It took a couple read-throughs before I really got a sense of what was going on, and even then I wasn’t positive until I followed it with the final scene again. Of course, that might just be me being a dumbass. You definitely skirted around on the “can’t be depressing” part of your flashrule. (The two souls part is a bit of a stretch, too.) A large part of it, the hangers on, the desperate clinging to celebrity, the slow breakdown as it all slipped away, was pretty grim. It did end on a hopeful note, but she still seems a bit broken. Overall, I enjoyed it. The dream sequences were fun, and I barely noticed the massive word-count once I got over my initial reaction of “Oh, gently caress this.”
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 02:53 |
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Thanks for the crits, Thranguy. I agree with what you about my dialogue. And thank you for the badass picture, QuoProQuid.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 04:18 |
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The judges have sifted through a mound of forty-three slippery, slimy, rotten potatoes and I'm not certain we'll ever be able to look at starch the same way ever again. First up! We have some matchups to settle for the Wednesday goons. Winning a matchup doesn't count as a mention of any kind, but you can feel good about yourself! Sight Titus82 - Equilibrioception v Fuschia Tude - pain WINNER: Titus82, whose story had a stronger emotional core and did a more elegant job of conveying the senses. Smell Guiness13 - Hunger v Ziji - Time WINNER: Guiness13, who conveyed their senses well even if it was at the expense of any real plot. Taste Obliterati - Magnetoception v Boaz-Jachim - Hunger WINNER: Boaz-Jachim, by a hair. Both stories were compelling, but Boaz wins out just slightly because their plot was more directly tied to their senses. Touch Hammer Bro - Thirst v Mr Gentleman - Time WINNER: Mr Gentleman, for amusing the gently caress out of Sebmojo Hearing The Saddest Rhino - Proprioception v Muffin - Equilibrioception WINNER: This was tough because you're both good writers. Muffin takes it by an inch, for a story-like vignette that wove its flashrules into a realistic and horrifying scenario. Thanks again, Wednesday writers! Now, onto your dishonorable mentions for the week: Believe it or not, the majority of these stories were not a pain to read. Some of them went over like a falling sack of potatoes *pauses for laugh track*. Okay anyway, Screaming Idiot, you cop a DM for being way too derivative when I specifically asked goons to use anime tropes in a credible work of literature. Chili, your story started off like some sort of boring office creepypasta but turned out to be banal as gently caress. Chernabog, you get a DM for too many characters, cartoon antics, and an ending so saccharine I wrinkled my nose. Your LOSER of the week made the curious choice to write a story inspired by the ecchi anime genre, which wasn't technically against the rules, but how well did you really think that was going to go over? Fuubi, your entry was less a sincere story and more misguided parody. And even calling it a 'parody' is generous, since your use of anime tropes bled over into a straight of caricature of Japanese characters. Please come back and try again, though! I knew what I was getting into when I assigned anime as a prompt, so I'd love to see what you do in a more sincere attempt. On to happier things! We had a lot of trouble narrowing down the honorable mentions for this week, because there was something for everyone. I even had to call in a backup judge to pare the list down from roughly ten choices. Skwidmonster, you get an HM for tugging at the judge's heartstrings. Mr Gentleman, you squeak by with an HM for tickling Sebmojo's fancy. Boaz-Jachim, your story was flawed, but well written, so you get an HM. Spectres of Autism, get yer HM. Your story was fun, and you did a pretty good job with a bunch of crazy flashrules (Yes, this is like the five millionth HM I'm giving you but whatever I like your style so deal with it). Surreptitious Muffin, you get an HM for painting a vivid and visceral picture of a small triumph in a futile situation. EVERY HM GETS A BOON OF 500 WORDS TO USE WHENEVER THEY WISH You need only cite this post whenever you decide to use them. There were a bunch of other stories I wanted to HM, but I've been informed this is not hugdome, so you'll all just have to pat yourselves on the back. Finally, we get to the winners. Sebmojo told me NO SH ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO THIS but there were two stories that I thought stood out enough for the win, and after talking it over with my heart of hearts, I must do what I think is right. Noah! Your story had too many quotable lines to recount, and was a weird and fun and grotesque read. Seriously, goons, if you want to know how to do the grotesque/absurd without being gratuitous, go give Noah's story a read. As your boon, you get 1000 extra words whenever you next grace the Thunderdome with your presence. You can use them at any time! Simply cite this post when you do. Kaishai! Your ruthless effectiveness is showing again. Since I know you don't need extra words to show us all up, you are entitled to the first and only piece of Thunderdome swag! Crabrock has been working on a special surprise for the winner of week 200. I'll let him unveil it when it's ready, but suffice to say it is a fabulous prize indeed. And that's week 200! Thank you to everyone who participated, and especially those of who who did crits while the judges deliberated. I will post my 9500 words of notes shortly Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 04:23 on Jun 9, 2016 |
# ? Jun 9, 2016 04:18 |
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Death Waltz Brawl Results Both stories had really vivid and evocative language, and both of them had their protagonists sort of shy away at the last moment from taking action. Once I understood the connection with the prompt in SH’s story, I enjoyed it twice as much, while Ent took more of the expected route in terms of constructing his story. Ultimately, Sitting Here wins, because I feel like the story left a longer impression on me after reading it, and it had more of a humanity to it in the end. The main character felt more like a character and she saw the world in ways that intrigued me, whereas Ent’s character, as in the story, was outshone by the piano, which was a more interesting presence. SH’s story was more open-ended than Ent’s, but in this case it worked in her favor.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 04:49 |
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Climbing the ladder, bottom of the barrel to DM aw yiss.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 05:04 |
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I may have lost the brawl, but I had a lot of fun. Can't wait for my next foray into the Dome.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 05:18 |
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Zijiquote:Marvin Grouse may have been physically sitting in a booth at Applebee’s, but in his mind he never left the jungle "Marvin Grous was in the jungle even though he was sitting in a booth at Applebee's." That sentence you have is awkward, and the use of physically always stands out of me as a dumb word. like, of course he's physically sitting somewhere, we're almost always doing something physically. anyways, i feel like this sentence could be cut down and i think the jungle is more interesting to start with than the applebee's. He sat silently, alone, browsing the menu. Marvin removed his Vietnam Veteran hat and scratched the only spot not covered in thick gray hair. Tracing the scar with his finger, he remembered the blood trickling down his ear and the heat from the machine guns ok obv there's some problems with the prose but it's not like super bad just amateur stuff that youll get out of over time. one of the biggest things i can advocate for is CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT just keep cutting. if you dont need something cut cut cut. the story itself is kinda lame though. like the first half is basically "oh no i ordered the wrong thing" and if it was a look into the PTSD of a vietnam vet I just didnt feel like it was accurate or realistic. it also felt distant to me and i wasnt feeling the desperation or the onset of the panic or craziness like you were telling me was. also nothing really happens for a majority of this part so the pacing is slow and boring and if i was a normal reader i wouldve stopped reading probably. then the second part happens and it goes like, into a normal military story that just reaches absurdity but im not really sure you intended for it feel absurd but kind of wacky or silly? idk. and im not sure why you wanted it to be silly. like PTSD and war are Very Serious Things but you can make them funny if you have a subtle hand. the issue is, i'm not sure if you were trying to be funny or if you were trying to tell a serious story about PTSD. maybe you were trying to mix the two? if so, im not feeling it. it feels awkward and stilted and im not sure what your intention is here. yeah i just think you need to be like more clear in what youre trying to say. also plz learn how to use line breaks tia.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 06:08 |
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round one: vs Maugrim just another rc 992 words As Shon watches, people become angels. Translucent wings unfold from their backs like swans taking flight. They soak and burst in the sun’s light, showering everything with knives of radiance. Their skin is patterned with whorls and slashes of dancing colour now, like the sun filtered through a kaleidoscope. It’s been half an hour since they dosed. He looks at Elias. Elias looks the same. He catches Shon looking at him and gives him a rueful look. “People on the drug don’t change. I don’t know how that works. Kind of unscientific, right?” He hands Shon the water bottle. Shon takes it. It’s hot on the boardwalk. He turns back to the metamorphosis. It’s the people walking together that look the best. Where the wings cross each other they explode into beams and waves of light that hit his eyes like he’s awake in heaven. He can’t make out details, now, just prismatic shapes and silhouettes. The people are just lights, lights with skin, and the skin is just paper. “We need to make it to the pier,” Elias says. “Just a second,” Shon says. “I want to stop and look.” “The pier,” Elias says again, and pulls Shon forward. He doesn’t fight it; he wants to, and doesn’t want to, and doesn’t have the energy. It takes all of him just to keep watching the angels. There angels are walking a furred lower life form. There one is hula hooping, a halo of red light around her waist. There one is taking a drink from a tall can. What do angels drink? Light? Fire? He can’t see. But he swears the angel’s glowing even more, like he’s left the material behind in the can’s emptiness. He checks his own skin. He’s still normal, like Elias. Despair, but after short moments he’d rather stare at angels than his own pallid flesh and he looks up again. They’re grouping, talking to each other. In clusters they almost lose their shape completely. It’s like they’re melding with each other, like angels skip awkward groping and move straight to fusing their totalities. Streaming together they’re so beautiful that it takes Shon time to register that they’re talking. Their voices blur together in the same way their bodies do. They don’t sound remotely human. They sound like if someone dunked a scorching frying pan into a mountain river. Like steam hissing and rising, but more like smoke trying to make it to God. The wind is diffusing it, setting it against each other, pulling in all directions. But the smoke is clinging to the breaths and drafts and spirals and climbs and never lets go. And there’s a buzz, too, a crackle, high notes, his ear, crashing through until it reaches his brain, drowning out everything. Elias’ lips are moving but Shon can’t make him out. It’s just heat and static now. Elias stops trying but keeps guiding him forward, step by step on the boardwalk. Then Shon hits separation in the boards and goes over. He doesn’t pay attention to his fall. He hits the ground, skidding, his forearms burning on the splintered wood. The dirty boards fill his field of vision and he has to get away. He gets to his knees, looks back up at the angels, and that’s when he sees it. They’re all watching. He can’t look them in the eyes. Whenever he strays in that direction he starts to feel something cloying, something honeyed, but there’s pain underneath. The sun is beating down. They’re gesturing, waving arms in strange geometric patterns, like divine language. But the limbs end up pointed at him, and his heart feels like it’s submerged in cold water. I’m not like them, he thinks. I’m not pure. I know sin. I’m still of this earth, my skin and bones are of the earth’s clay. My muscles move me to fear, to death, closer each day to stillness. Elias is helping him up. The angels begin to look away. They have themselves, he thinks, to look at; I stand out only because I’m tainted. Elias is saying something. The horizon has opened up. The sea is before them. It’s unchanged by the drug but still vast, barely fitting into the real. It’s at the end of the pier which is sprinkled with angels, moving slowly, the ones that are moving at all. Silence has fallen. “We should try to find more angels,” Shon says. “No,” Elias says. “We’re about to come down.” The angels are all staring out to sea. The very end of the pier is empty save for one, whose wings move back and forth rhythmically. Elias guides Shon down until the two of them are sitting on the edge, their feet swaying above their severed reflections. “Keep staring out,” Elias says. “You don’t want to see angels turn back into people.” He spits, a long thread leaving his mouth, spooling into the ocean. Shon wants to turn back. One final look. But something in him is caught by Elias’ voice. Thermals catching smoke. So he keeps watching, seeing the birds wing out over the sea, small and fragile. They don’t stay high for long. He turns to Elias. “What’s this called?”. “It doesn’t matter,” Elias says. “It’s just another R.C.” “Of course it matters!” Shon says. He’s forgotten himself. The sea carries his voice away. “I need to know what it is, so I can do more.” Elias takes his shoulder. “I do this every day,” Elias says. “Long term users have short life-spans. Slow deaths. Blood filling my lungs. You get me?” He’s somber for a second, trying to breathe in the salted air. “I’m weak,” he says. “Everyday because I forget. You can’t be like me. You can’t forget. People are angels.” Elias exists, Shon thinks, looking at him. Tragic. Beautiful, even. Dying, like we all die. Even angels. But search engines exist too. Maybe I have another high in me.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 08:09 |
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flerp posted:Good crit here Thanks for the crit, I'll make sure to ref this post next time I sit down to write!
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 10:12 |
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QuoProQuid posted:A line-by-line for Carcer. Hope this helps. Thank you for the crit, it does help. I've never had any real critical assessment of my writing so this should go a long way to (eventually) improving my work.
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 10:28 |
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Ziji posted:Thanks for the crit, I'll make sure to ref this post next time I sit down to write! for what it's worth (won't do a line-by-line like the others but having read through flerp's line-by-line): I found the prose from your story quite interesting -- I think you purposively took on the style of something like catch-22 or pynchon or neal stephenson? (the way you phrased things felt very familiar but I haven't put my finger on it. also little things like the mini-tangents and flashforwards which I enjoyed.) it also seems to have that slightly crisp/manic surrealism or absurdity and the half-joking/half-not-joking feel (and resultant ambiguity/duality) from that sort of stuff. anyways hopefully I'm not going out on too much of a limb. but if that's right, I think that was a tricky place to be in although at the same time a really interesting and challenging thing to tackle (especially because it's either going to click or not). I think ultimately for me it didn't quite click at the edges, but I thought there was good stuff like the Soldid/Noriega line and the closing bit! Mr Gentleman fucked around with this message at 11:38 on Jun 9, 2016 |
# ? Jun 9, 2016 11:25 |
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hell I'm glad at least sebmojo enjoyed it after that drat celebrity flashrule torpedoed me -- I promise I meant more than just a gag about kardashians-being-dumb-but-what-if-they-weren't! Mr Gentleman fucked around with this message at 15:45 on Jun 9, 2016 |
# ? Jun 9, 2016 11:35 |
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Sitting Here posted:
Thanks! Yeah I felt I'd be somewhere in the bottom with this story... ...but don't worry! I'm halfway through the next one and it's completely not as bad as this one! (no promises)
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 13:35 |
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# ? Apr 19, 2024 03:20 |
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In with this uplifting little sparkle of joy:
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# ? Jun 9, 2016 14:03 |