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SubponticatePoster
Aug 9, 2004

Every day takes figurin' out all over again how to fuckin' live.
Slippery Tilde
From the "my roommate built a room in the living room" E/N thread:

azurite posted:

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch who watches over you, built a little jerk-house with a hole...

Huntersoninski posted:

My room is comfortably small, with lightswitch holes in the wall, and inspectors always calling my naaame

Splicer posted:

Not to put too fine a point on it, say I'm the only goon in this closet, build a little jerk-house with a hole

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loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Guy Mann posted:

If I asked for relationship advise and some bitter dude wrote a wall of fanfiction about my relationship I would do the opposite of what he said too.

Yeah I've always been torn about that post, because on the one hand I can't imagine changing my mind about a major life decision because some douche on the Internet heard one data point and wrote a novel about his snap judgment, but on the other hand I can't imagine him being wrong either.

Also, goons ALWAYS tell you to end your relationships. More than one person once told me to call off my wedding because my fiancee and I sometimes argue about where we'll live in ten years. I suspect they're just in it to feel better about not being in a relationship themselves. I say all this with the full knowledge that everything that post said was, more likely than not, 100% on-the-nose correct.

loquacius has a new favorite as of 17:33 on Jun 21, 2016

Snooze Cruise
Feb 16, 2013

hey look,
a post

loquacius posted:

Also, goons ALWAYS tell you to end your relationships. More than one person once told me to call off my wedding because my fiancee and I sometimes argue about where we'll live in ten years. I suspect they're just in it to feel better about not being in a relationship themselves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4uTEEOJlM

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

Maybe they do it because people are dumb enough to ask relationship advice here.

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~
College Slice
That post is the time you mentioned to your buddy that Rebecca was flirting with you and that you were thinking about going for it and he grabbed you by the shoulders and said "DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY, DUDE" and you laughed and thought "whatever, what does he know" and then a decade later your wife is asking why you're still getting canvasses full of smiling children painted in menstrual blood mailed to you once a month from your ex so many years after the fact

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Rebecca sounds artistic and fun!

purple death ray
Jul 28, 2007

me omw 2 steal ur girl

Solice Kirsk posted:

Rebecca sounds artistic and fun!

I would gently caress Rebecca

Shugojin
Sep 6, 2007

THE TAIL THAT BURNS TWICE AS BRIGHT...


Improbable Lobster posted:

quote:

There was once a nest of little yellow-jackets in a wood-shed, where whoever entered was obliged to pass within a few inches of it. This most people could do with impunity. But there was a coloured boy whom the black-and-yellow tenants of the nest could not endure. They would not allow him to enter the shed, or even to come within several yards of the door. “They bite me whenever I go that way,” he complained, and he had not molested them in any way. Perhaps he smelled of deceit, and they were afraid to trust him near their precious paper fabric.

Some wasps are racist

tater_salad posted:

I'll think that in that era especially nearly all WASPs were racist.

Chichevache
Feb 17, 2010

One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Ein cooler Typ posted:

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. For a while now I have been into the idea of cuckolding. I watched cuckold porn for months and it was (and still is) incredibly arousing to me. I talked to several people online about it as well. I finally worked up the courage to ask my wife to do it before our anniversary. She was reluctant because she thought it would end badly but I kept pushing because I knew that I liked it and eventually she agreed.

We found a few guys online, and after finding the right one we went through with it last week. He was a very attractive guy - 6' tall, muscular, big dick - everything every guy wishes they had. When he came over I opened the door and we talked for a little while and then I introduced my wife. We went to the bedroom and I sat on the couch while he started to kiss her neck and undress her. He pushed her onto the bed, took off her panties and started eating her out. They were both loving it and so was I. Then he took his pants off and got on top of her and after kissing her for a little while he pinned her hands over her head and penetrated her; she moaned deeply. It was at this moment that my stomach dropped; hot to cold in a millisecond. I very quickly realized that when I was watching cuckold porn, I wasn't getting off on being the cuck, I was getting off on being the bull. I felt sick, but I didn't know what to do; they were already loving. I sat there, saying nothing. Luckily, after a few minutes, he finished. After it was all done, I rushed him out, told her to get cleaned up and I went to get some chinese food. I sat in my car crying for 20 minutes until it was ready and then went home and pretended nothing was wrong.

For the past week I have been doing my best to clench my teeth and try to forget about it, but I can't. The way she moaned, the way she grabbed him, the way she looked at him. I cannot get it out of my head. Knowing that I actually let another man, let alone a guy who's much more masculine and attractive than I, gently caress my wife makes me sick to my stomach.. I honestly want to kill myself and it seems like the best solution right now. I genuinely can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted. The worst part is that it's completely my fault. I don't know what to do. I really really need some advice. I've never felt this hopeless before.

Snooze Cruise
Feb 16, 2013

hey look,
a post
i love how the word filter redeems that boring c/p

Centripetal Horse
Nov 22, 2009

Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

Chichevache posted:

I AM A loving MORON story

Just wait until she totally casually asks him if he liked it, and if maybe he wants to do it, again.

sexpig by night
Sep 8, 2011

by Azathoth
Never has that wordfilter been more applicable

Stupid_Sexy_Flander
Mar 14, 2007

Is a man not entitled to the haw of his maw?
Grimey Drawer
You'd think that having a fetish of any sort would be something you really really really think about and research before you decide to bring it up.

Even more so when it involves some rando hammering your wife.

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:
I'm calling bullshit. No way is anyone that stupid. Whoops a daisy, I mixed my fetishes up.

Tiberius Thyben
Feb 7, 2013

Gone Phishing


Outrail posted:

I'm calling bullshit. No way is anyone that stupid. Whoops a daisy, I mixed my fetishes up.

I kept getting a hard on when I used a straight razor. Then I chopped off my dick, but realized I just like smooth skin.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
I can believe it. Same basic thing is going on with my buddy. Talked his wife into an open relationship, and now she does nothing but gently caress one of his best friends while he tries to nail girls from Tinder. It's not working out for them amazingly enough.

Lunchmeat Larry
Nov 3, 2012

Solice Kirsk posted:

I can believe it. Same basic thing is going on with my buddy. Talked his wife into an open relationship, and now she does nothing but gently caress one of his best friends while he tries to nail girls from Tinder. It's not working out for them amazingly enough.
this is how literally every open marriage goes and it owns

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

this is how literally every open marriage goes and it owns

Amazingly enough not true! I have another couple friends that are in an open relationship and are extremely happy. Though theirs is more of a three-way relationship with just one extra person thrown in from time to time. They started it from the ground up like that though, which I feel is the best way to do it instead of changing the rules 5 years into a monogamous marriage.

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~
College Slice

Solice Kirsk posted:

Amazingly enough not true! I have another couple friends that are in an open relationship and are extremely happy. Though theirs is more of a three-way relationship with just one extra person thrown in from time to time. They started it from the ground up like that though, which I feel is the best way to do it instead of changing the rules 5 years into a monogamous marriage.

It's true in 99/100 cases. Every time this comes up there's a goon or two that steps forward and says "thank god my friends are the exception to that rule" but seriously every other open relationship is one partner wanting to gently caress other people and the other going along with it because he or she is too chickenshit to say "no," and it owns

It's one of those things you just can't warn people about, like when one of your friends gets sucked into an MLM scheme or back in high school when your best friend tells you he and his sweetheart are going to do the long-distance thing after graduation because she's going to college in a different state and they're gonna beat the odds and make it work because they're so in love and you're standing there listening to him keep building that house of cards one delusion after another, trying your damndest not to blurt out "dude she's gonna suck miles of dick her first semester there"

Also the best open relationship stories start with one partner pressuring the other into it and end with the whole plan backfiring mad style :laugh:

purple death ray
Jul 28, 2007

me omw 2 steal ur girl

I'm developing a fetish for seeing other people's fetishes backfire horribly and ruin their lives

Perestroika
Apr 8, 2010

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Also the best open relationship stories start with one partner pressuring the other into it and end with the whole plan backfiring mad style :laugh:

Oh, I remember an amazing instance of that one happening. I think it was originally posted on reddit rather than here, but eh:

quote:

Ok. This is long but I have a lot to get off my chest.

How we met: We met about 2.5 years ago on OkCupid. She lived close, we met up and got on well. After a few months we decided to get together. We were not open at this point. The relationship was great emotionally. She was sweet, attentive, caring and supportive. We also had a lot in common and had fun together, which is what I lacked in previous relationships so I was keen to keep this one and still am.

Becoming open: Around 6-7 months ago give or take, I found myself feeling disconnected from her and the relationship. I was looking at other women quite a bit, and couldn't seem to stop even though I DID feel guilty. I ended up singing up to a sex-themed website (fetlife.com). This is NOT a dating website, I wasn't planning to cheat when I signed up, it's more a social network and I was mainly interested in looking at pictures posted there.

When I was on this website it was like I found what I thought I was missing. Loads of hot girls, who seemed happy to interact with me, mainly. I started commenting on pictures and girls started talking, flirting with me. I knew things were getting inappropriate for the relationship but I couldn't stop. I really wanted to hook up and date again, and experience these other women.

Not meaning offense to my girlfriend, but she's a big girl (had been since I dated her though so I didn't feel it was my place to say anything) and while I enjoyed her body, I can't deny that the draw of all the hotter women on the website who were seemingly interested in me was too much and I was feeling more and more disconnected from my relationship with this gaping hole in my needs not being met. I still loved my girlfriend and she fulfilled me emotionally, but physically my desires were completely elsewhere. Eventually I realised that the best thing for me to do would be to open up the relationship or break up with my girlfriend.

I spoke to her about this and, well, it broke her heart at the time. She was sobbing on me the whole night of me talking to her about it, saying she wanted to be monogamous and she didn't like the thought of an open relationship at all. She asked for a couple of weeks to think about it, which happened, but when we spoke about it again she told me she still didn't want to do it. I had to tell her at this point it was this or break up as I didn't feel fulfilled. At this, she said okay, she would try the open relationship.

So, in short, she agreed to the open relationship even though she hated the idea as she didn't want to break up. She wanted to know how an open relationship worked so I set down a few ground rules and boundaries which we both agreed to. Mainly things like.. sleep with whoever you want whenever you want, but always with protection. Casual dating is allowed as long as the person you're dating knows the situation (since it's hard to sleep with someone without a date first). Our relationship shouldn't suffer and we still need to be there for each other. etc.

My Problem. Less than two months later from this, she's signed up on FetLife too and now 100% enjoying herself. There are men crawling all over her, her profile, her pictures she's put up. I know for a fact that she's been on a heck of a lot of dates, both with people from the website and off it, and I also know she's been intimate with many of them too (I keep seeing comments on her pictures saying vulgar things like 'God I miss my mouth around those beautiful breasts' etc from other men who I know she has been on dates with..)

Me, on the other hand? I've not hooked up with anyone, and only had one date. All the women who seemed to be interested in me turned out to only want to flirt online and only wanted attention, and when I brought up meeting up with any of them I got rejected. The only women who wanted to at all meet me or go out with me I wasn't attracted to. I went out with one local girl from Fetlife just to give it a chance, because my own girlfriend had found so many dates/hookups, but I just couldn't bring myself to be attracted and nothing happened. I havn't been able to find anyone else who wants to sleep with me off the website either. Me and my girlfriend still date and sleep together of course, but besides that I'm completely dry. I don't think this is at all fair on me considering how many dates she's been on and I imagine how many guys she's hosed.

It got worse recently. Just this past Friday night I go out to the late night shop, and on the main road I find my girlfriend standing outside a pub with a guy, holding hands and making out. He was at least 6'4, muscles everywhere you look, arms covered in tattoos (which I know my girlfriend likes). I feel like poo poo. My girlfriend sees me, immediately breaks away from him and comes over smiling all over her face. She hugs me, kisses me, then the guy comes and introduces himself. It was awkward as gently caress honestly, but my girlfriend didn't seem to notice at all. After stupid chitchat I tell them I need to get going, at which my girlfriend tells me she loves me, kisses me and that she will text me the next day as she wanted a date with me the next night. She then says she's going to go into the pub to visit the bathroom, and asked her "date" to wait outside for her and then after they'll "get going" (back to her place I assume..).

So I start to walk away as she goes into the pub to the bathroom, and I hear the guy say "Hey" behind me. I swear he had the biggest poo poo eating grin all over his loving face. He said to me "Mate, you're a better guy than I am. If I had a lady like that I wouldn't let anyone else touch her. Lucky for me you guys have this open thing going on". He said it like he was pretending to be friendly, but obviously it was a dig because he could tell I wasn't happy right then. I just nodded and walked off.

My girlfriend rang me Saturday afternoon and I told her what happened and what the guy said, but she swears that he was just being complimentary/polite to me and that he's from FetLife, and knows all about our relationship and my own profile on there which is why he was chatting to me. I told her that I still thought his comment was inappropriate and that I didn't want her dating this guy again, to which she said 'Okay' but she obviously wasn't happy about it. I didn't ask if they had hooked up, because I could already tell they had with how she was all over him. I told her I didn't feel like I wanted to hangout that night. She hasn't contacted me since then.

I feel like utter poo poo. I'm going to be honest and say I have no idea why a guy like that is interested in my girlfriend and not out with a hot girl. I had no idea my girlfriend would get this much attention and it makes me feel like poo poo. I now realise if it's not this guy, it's going to be another with his hands all over my girlfriend. She has guys all over her, most likely just using her, but most of them more attractive than me and god knows what else............ and I only manage to get one date with someone I wasn't even attracted to. I still feel unfulfilled.

I'm on her FetLife profile now while writing this and I have to look at this poo poo every day, and her relishing in it without ANY thought to my lack of dates. Not once has she asked me about my dates or who I've met off FetLife, and it's obvious my profile is barren of any interaction compared to hers.

I can't really fault the relationship I have with my girlfriend if I'm honest. She's still her sweet, supportive self and she does make time for me, but I feel this open relationship has gotten really unfair now.

So that's it. I don't want to break up with her but I want it to stop, and to close the relationship again. But because it was my idea to open it, and we went through that difficulty before she started enjoying it, I don't know how to bring it up or what I say when I do. I just know it's got to stop now and this can't be healthy for either of us.

tl;dr: Asked my girlfriend for an open relationship so we could both date and sleep with other people. My girlfriend has been on way too many dates and I'm sure she's hooked up with a good few too. I havn't. Feel the open relationship has gotten way too unfair towards me and I want to close it, but because it was my idea I don't know how to bring it up to her. Need advice on how to do this and close the relationship again.

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:
It's beautiful.

Also exactly how most breakups go for guys 'oh I'll be crawling in dates when I'm single'.

Judge Schnoopy
Nov 2, 2005

dont even TRY it, pal

The Poetry of Schadenfreude posted:


the best thing for me to do would be to open up the relationship

she told me she still didn't want to do it. I had to tell her at this point it was this or break up

She has guys all over her

I still feel unfulfilled.

I don't think this is at all fair on me

I don't want to break up with her but I want it to stop

this can't be healthy for either of us

It's pure poetry :allears:

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

Outrail posted:

It's beautiful.

Also exactly how most breakups go for guys 'oh I'll be crawling in dates when I'm single'.

This is why guys should just start cheating on women when they want to break up. Once the "scent" of being in a relationship is off of you other women stop coming out of the woodwork.

This was honestly told to me by the same friend who is having a hell of a time in his open relationship. Just full of good ideas and thoughts that guy. One of the smartest people I know, but also one of the dumbest.

HaB
Jan 5, 2001

What are the odds?

Perestroika posted:

Oh, I remember an amazing instance of that one happening. I think it was originally posted on reddit rather than here, but eh:

Every time that story gets posted - it's so delicious that it almost ventures into stdh territory. But, having known couples in open relationships, with varying degrees of success and/or trainwreck-ness, I know it's true.

I like the assumption that open relationships are somehow supposed to be "fair". I don't know that I have ever heard of one which had "one for you, one for me" as a ground rule.

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~
College Slice

Perestroika posted:

Oh, I remember an amazing instance of that one happening. I think it was originally posted on reddit rather than here, but eh:

That's the good poo poo right there, yesssss

Also good lord, "It's not fair!" is the most pathetic reason to try and call it off. He's like a quarter-inch from stomping on his hat and screaming "NO I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO GET LAID ALL THE TIME, NOT HER!"

Super Dan
Jan 26, 2006

HaB posted:

Every time that story gets posted - it's so delicious that it almost ventures into stdh territory. But, having known couples in open relationships, with varying degrees of success and/or trainwreck-ness, I know it's true.

I like the assumption that open relationships are somehow supposed to be "fair". I don't know that I have ever heard of one which had "one for you, one for me" as a ground rule.

I've known people who have had that rule. They're called swingers.

Guy Mann
Mar 28, 2016

by Lowtax
ITT we uncritically post jackoff material written by people with cuckolding fetishes and believe every word is true.

Judge Schnoopy
Nov 2, 2005

dont even TRY it, pal
godDAMN that word filter is on point

HaB
Jan 5, 2001

What are the odds?

Super Dan posted:

I've known people who have had that rule. They're called swingers.

I guess in the non-monogamy Venn diagram, the Open Relationship circle would surround the Swinger circle, but I mentally don't think of those as the same thing.

I guess because Open Relationships tend to be two people doing their own thing, on their own, whereas Swinging always seemed like you do it as a couple.

Note: I have never been involved in either, so my information is all 2nd hand at best.

YeahTubaMike
Mar 24, 2005

*hic* Gotta finish thish . . .
Doctor Rope

EB Nulshit posted:

I feel sick. I cried last night and this morning but I've been able to avoid that at work so far. She wants to talk again tonight but she's already told me she isn't happy and doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

EB Nulshit posted:

And now she's asking if I want to go see Finding Dory tonight. She said if I don't want to then we'll have to reschedule "our talk".

A 50S RAYGUN posted:

i hate you, but i don't hate you enough for you to get dumped at finding dory

purple death ray
Jul 28, 2007

me omw 2 steal ur girl

HaB posted:


Note: I have never been involved in either, so my information is all 2nd hand at best.

Much like your sex life

HaB
Jan 5, 2001

What are the odds?

Travis343 posted:

Much like your sex life

Oh that's first hand, believe me :smug:

I am working up to eventually it being someone else's hand or perhaps a v

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

HaB posted:

Oh that's first hand, believe me :smug:

I am working up to eventually it being someone else's hand or perhaps a v

A.V. is the most common form of porn these days.

FactsAreUseless
Feb 16, 2011

Solice Kirsk posted:

A.V. is the most common form of porn these days.
Yes, most porn is audiovisual by nature.

Snooze Cruise
Feb 16, 2013

hey look,
a post
I always knew the AV Club was seedy as gently caress

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

FactsAreUseless posted:

Yes, most porn is audiovisual by nature.

dare you enter the magical world of olfactory porn

scratch and sniff

TehRedWheelbarrow
Mar 16, 2011



Fan of Britches

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

dare you enter the magical world of olfactory porn

scratch and sniff

no.

theres a will theres moe
Jan 10, 2007


Hair Elf

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

dare you enter the magical world of olfactory porn

scratch and sniff

I was always afraid the old man would find my stash of blank magazine stock that smelled exactly like huge tits

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christmas boots
Oct 15, 2012

To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
Biscuit Hider

Number 1 Sexy Dad posted:

I was always afraid the old man would find my stash of blank magazine stock that smelled exactly like huge tits

For some reason this sounds like the opening sentence of a short story.

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