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Judge Schnoopy
Nov 2, 2005

dont even TRY it, pal

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

Mods didn't know.

this is vile, you rat

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Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat
A Computer Carol [Fiction, 659 words]

no they will not posted:

Darbiel was a computer programmer who lived in the San Fransisco bay area. Darbiel has an "open" relationship with his wife, and has sex with a different beautiful woman whenever he wants. One night, he was visited by three computers.

"Darbiel, I am the Computer of Computers Past", said the Computer of Computers Past, "I'm here to show you a vision of what computers looked like in the past." The Computer of Computers Past took Darbiel by the hand and guided him through a time portal into the past. Darbiel found himself in a gigantic building filled with massive computers, covered in oscilliscopes, blinking lights, and little slots shooting out punchcards into a pile on the floor.

"Wow, these are really big. In fact... they're huge!" exclaimed Darbiel in shock, "Are these really computers?"

"Yes", said the Computer of Computers Past, "In the past, computers were much larger than they are now. Many took up entire rooms."

"Wow!" Darbiel responded.

"Charles Babbage's 'Difference Engine' is considered by many to be the first programmable computer. This has earned Babbage the title of 'the father of computing'", said the Computer of Computers Past.

"That's incredible", Darbiel said. Suddenly, Darbiel was back at home. But could it really have been all a dream?

Just then, a tapping sound came from the window. Before Darbiel could get up to check what it was, a computer burst through into the room, shattering the window and spraying the interior of the room with shards of glass which gouged into Darbiel's flesh. The computer was one of those cylindrical Mac Pros, but with arms and legs. It began to speak to Darbiel.

"Darbiel, I am the Computer of Computers Present", said the Computer of Computers Present, "I am here to show you some computers, so that you may better understand computers." The Computer of Computers Present held up a picture of an alienware gaming laptop in his left hand and a picture of an iPad in his right hand.

"Here are two computers. Do you like them?" said the Computer of Computers Present.

"Yes, I like them very much. Thank you, computer", replied Darbiel, blood trickling down his forehead from a glass wound. The Computer of Computers Present left, satisfied. Darbiel smiled to himself. "I wonder where my crazy adventure will take me next!" he wondered to himself.

The Computer of Computers Future walked in. It was wearing a black cloak and holding a scythe, but aside from that it looked exactly like the Computer of Computers Present.

"Hello, Darbiel. I'm the Computer of Computers Future. I'm here to show you a vision of the future", said the Computer of Computers Future before walking out. Darbiel got up and followed it. They walked in silence for a few minutes before they got to a nearby graveyard. The Computer of Computers Future stood silently and pointed at a lone grave on top of a hill. Nervously, Darbiel approached the grave. When he got close, he crouched down next to it and peered at the gravestone. What he saw amazed him. There was a small computer monitor in the gravestone, with a mouse cursor displayed in the middle. Beneath the screen was a small trackball. Experimentally, Darbiel moved the trackball slightly to the left, and the mouse cursor moved left.

"Gosh, this is amazing! There's a computer inside the gravestone!" Darbiel said happily.

"There is", said the Computer of Computers Future, "That's what I wanted to show you. In the future, some gravestones have computers inside them."

"This is the happiest day of my life", Darbiel said with tears in his eyes. The Computer of Computers Future snapped its fingers and suddenly Darbiel was back in bed.

The next morning, Darbiel was so touched by his experience with the three computers, that he went to a shop and bought three HUNDRED computers. He could afford all of them easily because of how well his job paid.

THE END

The MSJ
May 17, 2010

Jenny Angel posted:

Between the time my fiancee and I started loving and finished loving, Milo Yiannopolous got permanently banned from Twitter. IMO there is some justice in the world

The MSJ
May 17, 2010


Kajeesus posted:

What's the actual story here? snopes says she's just hidden behind Pence due to the camera angle, but that doesn't really make sense, nor explain why she doesn't have any food.

DontMockMySmock posted:

What are you expecting the "actual story" to be? Vampires are actually real? Someone expertly photoshopped her in/her reflection out for no goddamn reason?


Snooze Cruise
Feb 16, 2013

hey look,
a post
i don't get it, so is she a vampire or not?

cinci zoo sniper
Mar 15, 2013




PBS Newshour posted:

i don't get it, so is she a vampire or not?
As a rocket scientist in the first approximation, no.

I. M. Gei
Jun 26, 2005

CHIEFS

BITCH



Why can't Pence be the vampire?

Palpek
Dec 27, 2008


Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.


You cut out the beginning:

MisterBibs posted:

I'm in the hospital because while eating my first bite of a hotdog, a bit of it fell down my food pipe. Said food pipe decided to clamp down on that nugget of food, so there's a good chance I'll have to be knocked out and be fished around inside.

Double freude points for this same thing happening maybe four years ago. Same food, same effect, same possible result.

Random Stranger posted:

I've heard that's relatively common with hotdogs. :(

But not common enough to not eat a good one. (It was a good one, right? I mean, we'll all have to laugh at you if you hospitalized yourself over an Oscar Myer or Ball Park.)

MisterBibs posted:

It was a Portillo's hotdog, a hotdog I hadn't had in forever, and I was cognizant not to take too big of bites since its happened before... since, ya know, I didn't want to have to go to the hospital.

The last time was a lovely Oscar Meyer that I was quick-eating before a date and cut it too long and didn't chew remotely well because I was pressed for time.
Let me eat this hotdog very very carefully not to choke on it like the last time I choked on a hotdog. Let me do it really slowly like it's the bullet dodge scene when agent Smith was shooting at Neo in the Matrix: the bullet is the hotdog, Neo is my tongue letting the hotdog through and the air around and behind Neo is the inside of my gob. *loving chokes on the hotdog*

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

PBS Newshour posted:

i don't get it, so is she a vampire or not?

Regular old mummy.

Lunchmeat Larry
Nov 3, 2012

Palpek posted:

You cut out the beginning:



Let me eat this hotdog very very carefully not to choke on it like the last time I choked on a hotdog. Let me do it really slowly like it's the bullet dodge scene when agent Smith was shooting at Neo in the Matrix: the bullet is the hotdog, Neo is my tongue letting the hotdog through and the air around and behind Neo is the inside of my gob. *loving chokes on the hotdog*
hahaha of course it was MisterBibs

Cacafuego
Jul 22, 2007

Isn't food supposed to go down the food pipe?

Phlegmish
Jul 2, 2011



Common misconception, but no. You've been doing it wrong all these years.

Queen-Of-Hearts
Mar 17, 2009

"I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"




I honestly can't tell if Misterbibs is a dedicated troll, or legitimately Karen from Mean Girls levels of stupid.

frankenfreak
Feb 16, 2007

I SCORED 85% ON A QUIZ ABOUT MONDAY NIGHT RAW AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEXT

#bastionboogerbrigade

paranoid randroid posted:

reminder that Rubio got kneecapped by Chris Christie - the most pathetic man alive

paranoid randroid posted:

"but wait randroid, sure JEB is the most pathetic?" you might ask, but consider this - between Christie and Bush, which one willingly made himself Donald Trumps gimp?

Chokes McGee posted:

so perfect an observation that not even fishmech can find an angle to debate it

Nuebot
Feb 18, 2013

The developer of Brigador is a secret chud, don't give him money

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

I honestly can't tell if Misterbibs is a dedicated troll, or legitimately Karen from Mean Girls levels of stupid.

Ask him about fallout new vegas.

Action Tortoise
Feb 18, 2012

A wolf howls.
I know how he feels.

Nuebot posted:

Ask him about fallout new vegas. spreadsheets

Kay Kessler
May 9, 2013

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

I honestly can't tell if Misterbibs is a dedicated troll, or legitimately Karen from Mean Girls levels of stupid.

He's harassed Red Letter Media and Rhianna Pratchett on twitter, so if he's a troll he's for all intents and purposes indistinguishable from the real deal.

Lunchmeat Larry
Nov 3, 2012

Nuebot posted:

Ask him about fallout new vegas.
hot dogs are the cazadores of real life

TehRedWheelbarrow
Mar 16, 2011



Fan of Britches

Nuebot posted:

Ask him about fallout new vegas.

or the "plotline" of doom :allears:

Nuebot
Feb 18, 2013

The developer of Brigador is a secret chud, don't give him money

SneakyFrog posted:

or the "plotline" of doom :allears:

This one is new to me and I have to ask. What? Like the new game specifically or the whole series? Or like, the movie?

many johnnys
May 17, 2015

I have no idea who mr bibs is

Crocoswine
Aug 20, 2010

sounds like a real dumbass motherfucker to me

Hemingway To Go!
Nov 10, 2008

im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway

many johnnys posted:

I have no idea who mr bibs is

Some idiot. Basically he will come up with a talking point that usually involves misinterpreting a movie or telling other people who disagree with him what THEY think, and then will keep saying it no matter how many words are written countering him.

EX: Everyone who did not like the star wars prequels was just mad because it as not what they grew up with. If you tell him otherwise, he will just repeat himself and tell you what he thinks you think again.

So basically he is too dumb to: Understand movies, understand your posts, eat a hot dog without choking.

Your Gay Uncle
Feb 16, 2012

by Fluffdaddy

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

I honestly can't tell if Misterbibs is a dedicated troll, or legitimately Karen from Mean Girls levels of stupid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71RJJ0umdjQ&index=6&list=WL

not sure if I did the time right but skip to 1:04:02 to see how dumb Misterbibs actually is.

Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.


Buglord

FlyinPingu posted:

sounds like a real dumbass motherfucker to me

Queen-Of-Hearts
Mar 17, 2009

"I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"




My main exposure to him is from the wow forums in the Blizzard sub forum. Ask him about his valiant efforts to get a silver rating in the proving grounds.

Serf
May 5, 2011


Six-Of-Hearts posted:

My main exposure to him is from the wow forums in the Blizzard sub forum. Ask him about his valiant efforts to get a silver rating in the proving grounds.

Or about mob density in Warlords of Draenor.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲TM™ #ad📢

FlyinPingu posted:

sounds like a real dumbass motherfucker to me

Guy Mann
Mar 28, 2016

by Lowtax

Your Gay Uncle posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71RJJ0umdjQ&index=6&list=WL

not sure if I did the time right but skip to 1:04:02 to see how dumb Misterbibs actually is.

TehRedWheelbarrow
Mar 16, 2011



Fan of Britches

Nuebot posted:

This one is new to me and I have to ask. What? Like the new game specifically or the whole series? Or like, the movie?

the popular "fun" theory of the plotline of the new game which kinda ties into all of em. :shrug:

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Switchblade Switcharoo

many johnnys posted:

I have no idea who mr bibs is

There is a plot line to doom?

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Switchblade Switcharoo

Acne Rain posted:

Some idiot. Basically he will come up with a talking point that usually involves misinterpreting a movie or telling other people who disagree with him what THEY think, and then will keep saying it no matter how many words are written countering him.

EX: Everyone who did not like the star wars prequels was just mad because it as not what they grew up with. If you tell him otherwise, he will just repeat himself and tell you what he thinks you think again.

So basically he is too dumb to: Understand movies, understand your posts, eat a hot dog without choking.

And you watch this to have the necessary insight to explain

Hemingway To Go!
Nov 10, 2008

im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway
Watch what?

purple death ray
Jul 28, 2007

me omw 2 steal ur girl

Darth123123 posted:

There is a plot line to doom?

the novelization of Doom actually ruled a lot

TehRedWheelbarrow
Mar 16, 2011



Fan of Britches

Darth123123 posted:

There is a plot line to doom?

no.


yes.



maybe.

Tiggum
Oct 24, 2007

Your life and your quest end here.


Darth123123 posted:

There is a plot line to doom?

It's in a text file in the game directory. You're one of a group of space marines sent to a research facility on one of the moons Mars that's been out of contact. You disobeyed orders or something and got left behind with just a pistol while the others went inside. Turns out demons have come through the teleporters the base has been researching, all the other marines die and it's up to you to kill all the demons and prevent the invasion.

U.T. Raptor
May 11, 2010

Are you a pack of imbeciles!?

Sarcopenia posted:

Ghost writer for "Art of The Deal" deeply regrets having helped Trump get more prolific.

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/07/25/donald-trumps-ghostwriter-tells-all

"I put lipstick on a pig"

Pesticide20 posted:

Nobody tell David Cameron

ChickenOfTomorrow
Nov 11, 2012

god damn it, you've got to be kind

Tiggum posted:

It's in a text file in the game directory. You're one of a group of space marines sent to a research facility on one of the moons Mars that's been out of contact. You disobeyed orders or something and got left behind with just a pistol while the others went inside. Turns out demons have come through the teleporters the base has been researching, all the other marines die and it's up to you to kill all the demons and prevent the invasion.

Also they are huge, which means they have huge guts.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Switchblade Switcharoo

Tiggum posted:

It's in a text file in the game directory. You're one of a group of space marines sent to a research facility on one of the moons Mars that's been out of contact. You disobeyed orders or something and got left behind with just a pistol while the others went inside. Turns out demons have come through the teleporters the base has been researching, all the other marines die and it's up to you to kill all the demons and prevent the invasion.

Wow thanks! I just shoot poo poo and try to get to the next landscape.

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Nuebot
Feb 18, 2013

The developer of Brigador is a secret chud, don't give him money

Tiggum posted:

It's in a text file in the game directory. You're one of a group of space marines sent to a research facility on one of the moons Mars that's been out of contact. You disobeyed orders or something and got left behind with just a pistol while the others went inside. Turns out demons have come through the teleporters the base has been researching, all the other marines die and it's up to you to kill all the demons and prevent the invasion.

Okay I thought it was something along the lines. I figured it was literally "demons bad shoot they rear end".

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