Ask me about making horrific silicone fantasy dildos! [NWS]

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Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

I'd forgotten how much BETTER Ecoflex is than Dragon Skin. The lower viscosity makes it easier to measure, mix, color, degas, and pour. Pretty much everything about Ecoflex is superior to Dragon Skin except (unfortunately) the final stiffness. If you want to make dildos and you don't have a vacuum pump setup, use the slowest-curing Ecoflex you can find and let it sit until the pot life is almost up before pouring: many of the bubbles will rise up and pop on their own due to the low viscosity.

Carth Dookie posted:

Since Elise has done due diligence with a flared (ball) base, this probably won't happen. But then people can be very creative about they butts.

I know one guy who takes dildos base-first and inserts them completely. There is no way people aren't going to manage to injure themselves with something.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 01:50

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 00:18

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Dildomancer posted:

I know one guy who takes dildos base-first and inserts them completely. There is no way people aren't going to manage to injure themselves with something.

Dildomancer posted:

I know one guy who takes dildos base-first and inserts them completely. There is no way people aren't going to manage to injure themselves

Dildomancer posted:

I know one guy who takes dildos base-first and inserts them completely. There is no way people aren't going to manage

Dildomancer posted:

I know one guy who takes dildos base-first and inserts them completely. There is no way

Dildomancer posted:

I know one guy who takes dildos base-first and inserts them completely.

Dildomancer posted:

base-first and inserts them completely.

Dildomancer posted:

inserts them completely.

Dildomancer posted:

completely.

Well there you go Elise, there's still hope.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 01:54

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Heck if enough of these make it out into circulation, it might be worth putting a word in to the medical thread and having it like a lottery. First nurse/doctor to spot one in their Emergency Department in the orifice of a patient wins a prize.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 01:56

HiHo ChiRho: Oct 23, 2010

Dildomancer posted:

Listen guys, don't go asking for pictures of people using dildos, even as a joke. That's not cool.

Asking for a picture of a dildo in action "as intended" is gross and creepy.

I would like to see someone wave an elf dick in someones face or holding it like they are Bilbo with Sting is pretty hilarious, though

# ? Sep 3, 2016 02:00

Three-Phase: Aug 5, 2006; by zen death robot

Are you, or are you considering in the future, ISO 9000 or 9001 certification? (You know, QMS and whatnot.)

# ? Sep 3, 2016 03:07

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Three-Phase posted:

Are you, or are you considering in the future, ISO 9000 or 9001 certification? (You know, QMS and whatnot.)

Oh no, this isn't a business for me anymore. It was hard enough doing my taxes and itemizing which car trips were to the post office without dealing with employees and managerial standards. I'm just making a couple dozen toys for goons as part of a comedy thread.

On the other hand, if I were a bit more shameless, I'd LOVE to go through all the normal business-building processes with a toy-making enterprise. Picture of me and the mayor cutting the ribbon on the new dong plant, ten-minute-long videos on silicone-pouring PPE, certifying that none of my money is going to Iran, Cuba, Syria, or North Korea...

# ? Sep 3, 2016 03:24

Sage Grimm: Feb 18, 2013; Let's go explorin' little dude!

..going on the record to say that those were your hookers and blow, they are your quality assurance team..

# ? Sep 3, 2016 04:08

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Ok, here are some pictures of last night's dong. It's the same color scheme as Elise's (which seems to be very popular). I've placed it next to Elise's to show the difference in floppiness.

Left: A10 (medium), right: 00-20: (super soft). The super soft definitely can't stand on its own without the suction cup action of the base. The silicone has a meniscus and each toy will have a bit of a suction cup effect if stuck to a smooth surface. With the 00-20 toy, it can only take a pull force of ~1 pound before popping free, though.

Speaking of pull force, this is about ~10 pounds of tension on the super soft toy. It's got no problems stretching that far. These toys can extend to >8 times their original length without breaking.

When you get yours in, be sure to take a look at the bottom. There is almost always a neat pattern there, especially if you got metallics.

A slightly out-of-focus shot of just the toy itself. Any photography tips other than get a lightbox you idiot are definitely appreciated.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 15:19

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

That's so great. Can't wait to helicopter dick it. :allears:

# ? Sep 3, 2016 15:35

Waci: May 30, 2011; A boy and his dog.

I thought the thread couldn't improve further, and then you come in with quantitative results of dildo-stretching.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 15:35

HiHo ChiRho: Oct 23, 2010

I like that the stuffed animals on top of the couch are watching in horror while you and your wife are stretching elf dongs

# ? Sep 3, 2016 15:43

TooMuchAbstraction: Oct 14, 2012; I spent four years making
Waves of Steel
Hell yes I'm going to turn my avatar into an ad for it.; Fun Shoe

Dildomancer posted:

A slightly out-of-focus shot of just the toy itself. Any photography tips other than get a lightbox you idiot are definitely appreciated.

You need to get some "out in nature" glamor shots. Next to some flowers, leaning on a tree, playing in the grass, etc.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 16:20

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

I am genuinely planning out photo shoots for my new rubber buddy. I think I know a Thranduil cosplayer is all I'm saying

# ? Sep 3, 2016 16:21

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

I want to do a photoset in the same vein as the traveling gnome. Maybe even 3d print some teeny tiny sunglasses for it.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:22

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Let's learn about glow-in-the-dark (GITD) pigment!

It's an off-white powder. If you mix it into silicone without any other pigment, it looks like jizz. However, if you DO mix in other pigment, it will partially block the glow. The darker the other pigment, the less glow you'll see. One question you might ask is, if I use blue GITD pigment and red visible-light pigment, will my dong look purple? It depends. In the darkness, it will look pale blue. In the light, it will look red. If you hold it under a blacklight for a while then put it in visible light, it will look very slightly purple, but mostly red. Despair not, friends, purple GITD pigment does exist!

Here is a sampler pack I just got:

Why the colored circles? Cameras see different color ranges from human eyes. The colored dots represent what they look like to me. The biggest difference is the purple powder on the right, which is really more of a pale lavender. It emits a good deal of its photons in the ultraviolet range, and I have a UV filter on my camera lens, so it only picks up the blue.

Here are the three pigments I have available:

Top left is aqua, top right is green, bottom is blue. You'll notice that the green is somewhat brighter than the aqua, which is somewhat brighter than the blue. I put the blue under the blacklight for about twice as long to charge it, too. This is because the blue is less efficient at turning UV photons into visible light photons, and also because human eyes are more sensitive to green than to other colors. In toys, I use aqua when it's alongside other pigments so that it'll be more visible. If it's just the GITD pigment alone, I use blue, which then has a chance to stand out. Here is an aqua toy + mica:

And here's how it looks in daylight:

These powders are based on a rare earth element called Europium and have a really cool brightness curve:

Whereas traditional pigments start bright and quickly drop off, these powders will glow for hours. Granted, 10 mcd per square meter isn't a lot, but it's certainly visible in the dark. Note that the Y-axis is logarithmic; the green pigment is probably 50-70% brighter than the "blue" (actually aqua) pigment.

Anyway, there is your primer* on GITD pigments. I can try to answer any other questions you've got.

* my coworker pronounces this "primmer" for some reason, is he correct? I figured it was like the primer you use before painting something, or like the primer in a bullet.

Dildomancer fucked around with this message at 21:54 on Sep 3, 2016

# ? Sep 3, 2016 21:51

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

Your coworker is crazy. It's pronounced like you think: prime+r.

Question: does the orange pigment not last as long, or is it made of the same material? I've never had good luck with purple or orange/red glow-in-the-dark ABS filament for my 3D printer, but the newest white(green)/green/aqua filaments have excellent characteristics.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 21:57

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Geirskogul posted:

Your coworker is crazy. It's pronounced like you think: prime+r.

Question: does the orange pigment not last as long, or is it made of the same material? I've never had good luck with purple or orange/red glow-in-the-dark ABS filament for my 3D printer, but the newest white(green)/green/aqua filaments have excellent characteristics.

Of the sample pack I have, only purple has a different chemistry. The rest are the same material and are just tuned differently somehow. Its guidesheet says that green is the brightest, followed by aqua, orange, blue, and violet. So orange is actually pretty bright. They might just use a different formulation for yours.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 22:04

Hirayuki: Mar 28, 2010

It's also pronounced "primmer," but only when it's an introductory text (or similar) and not, say, a base coat for paint.

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/primer

I love your work and can't believe how this thread took off. :five:

# ? Sep 3, 2016 22:12

Waci: May 30, 2011; A boy and his dog.

Dildomancer posted:

If you mix it into silicone without any other pigment, it looks like jizz.

How often has this been the intended outcome rather than something to avoid?

# ? Sep 3, 2016 22:16

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Waci posted:

How often has this been the intended outcome rather than something to avoid?

Nobody has specifically asked for it, but when people find out, their response is either "that's ok" or "awesome!"

# ? Sep 3, 2016 22:33

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Here is the latest addition - a soft dong with marbled pearl white and GITD blue.

Here it is next to a similar toy with aqua GITD.

I will be able to ship out the first batch on Friday because that's the first day my wife will be out of work before the post office closes. Shipping takes ~2-5 days within the US. Outside the country is kind of a crapshoot. I've had toys show up in England within a week, but take a month to get to Germany.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 00:14

cyberia: Jun 24, 2011; Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Dildomancer posted:

Any photography tips other than get a lightbox you idiot are definitely appreciated.

Get a white piece of paper or card and prop it up against some books or something to act as a backdrop. Then get a desk lamp and use it to light the object you're shooting. Ideally take the photo with a window or other source of natural light behind you. The combination of natural light, close up lighting and a white background is basically as good as a cheap lightbox.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 00:30

Youth Decay: Aug 18, 2015

I found the thread's theme song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN-lmuaYhIo

# ? Sep 4, 2016 00:46

Dildomancer: Aug 8, 2016; No sense of right or wrong.

Youth Decay posted:

I found the thread's theme song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN-lmuaYhIo

Ahhhh no, don't use oil-based lube on silicone toys! Water and glycerin are ok, but oil-based and silicone-based lubes have the potential to degrade the toy.

A vibrator-related tip if you want to make dongs but don't have a vacuum chamber: pour your toy, then use a Magic Wand for several minutes, running up and down the outside of the mold, to vibrate most of the bubbles out. When pouring concrete, a similar procedure is used, only the vibrator is immersed rather than applied externally.

EDIT:

Here is the third GITD pigment, the bright green. The three pictures are, in order, daylight, daylight after charging, lights off.

Dildomancer fucked around with this message at 03:20 on Sep 4, 2016

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:36

Faerunner: Dec 31, 2007

Dildomancer posted:

A vibrator-related tip if you want to make dongs but don't have a vacuum chamber: pour your toy, then use a Magic Wand for several minutes, running up and down the outside of the mold, to vibrate most of the bubbles out. When pouring concrete, a similar procedure is used, only the vibrator is immersed rather than applied externally.

This thread is both entertaining and educational! :eng101:

I'm planning to make a display stand for mine, with a finely illustrated page bearing Elise's post, and a replica One Ring. I'll put up pictures when it's done!

Faerunner fucked around with this message at 04:09 on Sep 4, 2016

# ? Sep 4, 2016 03:40

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

That last one is very "I did it at Chernobyl" or "TMNT: Return of the Ooooooze"-esque :allears:

# ? Sep 4, 2016 03:46

Speleothing: May 6, 2008; Spare batteries are pretty key.

Hirayuki posted:

It's also pronounced "primmer," but only when it's an introductory text (or similar) and not, say, a base coat for paint.

Maybe if you're a hosed-up Brit who can't even use the language properly.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:37

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

I honestly can the gently caress not deal with how great these are. THE BLUE GLOW. ORCS ARE AFOOT.

ADICK.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:46

viewtyjoe: Jan 5, 2009

Speleothing posted:

Maybe if you're a hosed-up Brit who can't even use the language properly.

It's apparently a US pronunciation based on wiktionary there, but I've never heard it that way.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:52

Vox Valentine: May 31, 2013; Solving all of life's problems through enhanced casting of Occam's Razor. Reward yourself with an imaginary chalice.

Dildomancer posted:

Ahhhh no, don't use oil-based lube on silicone toys! Water and glycerin are ok, but oil-based and silicone-based lubes have the potential to degrade the toy.

A vibrator-related tip if you want to make dongs but don't have a vacuum chamber: pour your toy, then use a Magic Wand for several minutes, running up and down the outside of the mold, to vibrate most of the bubbles out. When pouring concrete, a similar procedure is used, only the vibrator is immersed rather than applied externally.

EDIT:

Here is the third GITD pigment, the bright green. The three pictures are, in order, daylight, daylight after charging, lights off.

Son of a bitch that design is intentionally invoking that famous picture where someone tried to pass off a horse cock dildo as the arm of a black burn victim, isn't it.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 06:06

Brain in a Vat: Apr 9, 2007

OK, I know I'm late to the game but I just have to say that this whole thread is loving incredible. Its been years since I've spent any real time on the forums, and this thread reminds me what I enjoyed so much about it in the first place. Dildomancer, you are a loving master bringing all this to life!

I have to say though that, being the giant nerd I am for worldbuild-y details like this, Elise's post explaining elven reproductive physiology is my favorite thing I've read in quite a long time. In fact, I know a couple people have talked about printing it out to frame alongisde their magical glowing elf dicks when they arrive, so I've taken the liberty of combining her original essay with some of her later posts that go into further detail and speculation about elf physiology. Basically, I just wanted to condense all of the wisdom of our resident expert on elvish sexuality into a single giant essay that people can display alongside their elf dongs if they so wish.

Elise, I hope this is alright! While I was combining your posts into one essay, I ended up making some minor edits along the way as well (I do some freelance proofreading/editing on the side, so I couldn't help making at least some changes). I tried not to change anything too significant -- mostly they were just minor edits to help with clarity, flow, etc. I had to guess at what you meant in one or two spots, but I don't think I changed anything major. If I did mess something up, or if you want me to change/remove anything from this, just let me know and I'll be happy to fix it!

Elise the Great, Musings on the Physiology of Elvish Sexuality posted:

First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn't keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be gw�, but for everyday usage gwib was the preferred term. Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for F�anor's johnson.

Second, if we assume that JRRT's intention is the guiding light for inferred details about the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them "gnomes" rather than "elves" � a detail that reflects his internal monologue about the race, and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than to the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus, we are left to choose between two distinct interpretations of the nature of elves: on the one hand are gnomes � a Paracelsean notion tied closely to alchemy � and on the other are their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves), but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.

In other words, I distinguish here between the dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in such a sexual light. Let�s consider these possibilities in turn, beginning with the Greek/British interpretation. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, then elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your loving eye out while you're trying to slip em the suck.

I feel, however, that it is more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. But given their prolific sexuality, a Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand years or more, and yet sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overtly sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf. This rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, and leaves us with less to go on than we might prefer, if we're gonna pour ourselves a giant silicone elf dick.

Ah, but now we've alluded to reproductive evidence about elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). Given this, we can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing �Laws and Customs of the Elves� (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. For instance, it seems that elves are incapable of adultery, which actually kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse. This latter point carries over into the Silmarillion, in which F�anor's father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who had died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and indeed, the consequences of such promiscuity can be literally fatal.

The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and, as such, may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this then raises the question of how she is to confer those cells to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I�m getting a horrible idea now, and will return to this point in a moment.

So, assuming that extramarital sex results in an autoimmune-induced death similar in mechanism to anaphylaxis, we can now ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility � which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all � we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring, all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it would be absurd to imagine that, in all of Ardan history, there never arose a single ellyn-woman romance that had the potential to result in sexual intimacy and offspring. The only plausible explanation for this absence, then, is that there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste � anyone who's met a teenager can tell you better than that � but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is incapable of producing offspring.

This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and so do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. If ellyn-woman pairings were the only ones that produced offspring, this mitochondrial explanation might have provided a plausible explanation. But since this is not the case, we need to find another reason for this asymmetry. Two possibilities come to mind: either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level � something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.

Perhaps, to put it crudely, the ellyn just can't get it up.

In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can't even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it's almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-rear end poo poo, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.

I propose that male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are "innies" or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own, and so require some assistance from the elven vulva. And yet, the elven vulva must also be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth couplings wouldn't produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some sort of mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by means of constriction.

In other words, there must be something unique about the elven vulva that allows it to induce an erection in elven males by restricting venous return through external strangulation.

Something that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings rather rare, and so account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.

Something that, because it is lacked by human women, would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.

Something that would even allow the elleth to reliably contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells, potentially through urethral penetration of the penis.

The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal, and a set of tentacles.

In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune antibodies deep into the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic � and immune � material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and can even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves via vaginal intercourse; therefore, no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.

For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that will never get you pregnant, but he's likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the gently caress around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.

For human males, this means that you're totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don't mind her tentacles crawling up your dick � and into your dickhole � every time you shark her in the rear end while she's asleep, and as long as you don't mind that she can totally cheat on you, and in fact might have chosen to gently caress you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.

In short, Aragorn was one kinky-rear end fucker.

In addition, beyond the issues so far discussed, we can also infer some other possible features of elven reproductive physiology. For instance, the meatus in ellyn is likely to be larger than in human males, since a tentacle's gotta fit up there. In addition, if there's a depression or groove in the penis for the tentacles to find, it's likely to be at the base, where the "ring" of constriction will be most useful.

With respect to testicular features, we know that labial and scrotal tissue are embryonically identical, and rely on a testosterone flood in order to develop appropriately. So, elf ballsacks (and probably the underside of the shaft) might also exhibit some vestigial tentacles. Kind of a fleshy fringe like a turkey�s wattles, but� you know� sexy. Moreover, stretchy scrotal skin seems to be both a function of cooling and a corollary to vulval/vaginal skin, which has to stretch enough to expel a baby. So in ellyn, you're probably still going to have the reticulated wrinkly scrotum and testes as normal, but there might also be some other tissue � similar to the vas deferens, but closer in structure to a lymph node � which produces or houses the specialized B-cells. So, male elves may have normal-looking testes, but with smooth lymph nodes adjoined (though it�s also worth noting that these might just as well be internal, like the prostate).

If you want to get really, really weird, and assume some correlation between elven and human vaginas, you might also posit (rather plausibly) that a male elf with tentacles strangling his dick isn't likely to thrust a whole lot, so the penis is more likely to operate best as a stationary stimulator with minimal movement, as opposed to a ramrod-style plunger. That means it's going to push hard against the anterior vaginal wall and press deeply into the pre-uterine pelvic region through the smooth muscle anterior to the cervix. Thus, we're looking at a fairly upward-curved, long penis that's bulkier near the base, with (once again, assuming human correlation) a pronounced and very sensitive frenulum that can, from minimal motion, produce adequate sexual stimulation for the male to achieve ejaculation.

Also, gay elves are gonna be waaaaaaaay into rope bondage.

As for female elves, it�s also possible that clitoral tissue is integrated into the tentacle structures. There�s even less textual support for this hypothesis of course, because JRRT was a Victorianist don and probably didn't believe in the existence of the clitoris. I mean, not that he was sitting around thumbing his chin and pondering the impact of rheseus-antigen immunology, but at least with respect to that hypothesis he would probably find some (nauseated and angry) spark of sense in a mechanical barrier to elves boning each other out of wedlock, whereas the mechanisms by which female elves achieve orgasm would be sociologically irrelevant to him.

I mean, if I was designing porno elf bajingae, obviously the clitoris would be the big gripping tentacle, although this might result in distressingly... prehensile shaft and glans behavior in the elven penis, since those arise from the same tissue. Eugh. It doesn't bear thinking about.

At any rate, if you read all the way through this drunken, giggling spiel, the silicone elf dick you're looking for is of normal to generous proportion, but it's strangled up and down with simulated tentacles, or at least constricted by a really tight cock ring.

I thought way the gently caress too much about this. I consulted the LACE about this. gently caress every last one of you for goading me into this nightmare of grisly overanalytic humiliation. I hope all your girlfriends catch you.

I should really be embarrassed that I spent this much time and effort compiling a bunch of writing about elf cocks. But I'm totally not. This was way the hell more entertaining that it had any right to be

# ? Sep 4, 2016 08:35

RandomPauI: Nov 24, 2006; Grimey Drawer

I don't have anyone to buy this for but I do want to buy this for someone. The OP came up with some suggestions for color schemes though.

Camo

The US flag colors

Green and dripping blood

Blue balls white shaft and red blood appearing to drip from the tip in a striped fashion

The last one must be made, it would cost $30. But I don't want to buy it, not have someone to give it to, die, and then have my siblings try to figure out why I had a horrifying elf dildo.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 09:01

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

RandomPaul if you want it, I will pay for whatever it takes if it is possible to do this, and send it to you. And by "whatever it takes" I mean my budget is $50.

Either that or a tri-mix (I don't know the term, three colors layered all together) in the new US Army OCP pattern colors and color ratio. Again, I will pay for this and send it to you if it is even possible to make, as long as you :toxx:

yourself to take some photos of it on your car or at least in front of your computer. For some reason, this thread reminds me of the "old" SA that existed back when I was on my first account in the "trolling Dark Age of Camelot with horses"-era, and I'm super happy it happened.

Brain in a Vat posted:

I should really be embarrassed that I spent this much time and effort compiling a bunch of writing about elf cocks. But I'm totally not. This was way the hell more entertaining that it had any right to be

DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED. :allears:

# ? Sep 4, 2016 09:11

RandomPauI: Nov 24, 2006; Grimey Drawer

The issue isn't a willingness to pay. It's not knowing who to give it to. I'll pay for it right now actually even if I don't have a sender in mind.

Edit: Actually, I need they payment information first before I buy. But I'm still buying it.

RandomPauI fucked around with this message at 09:22 on Sep 4, 2016

# ? Sep 4, 2016 09:18

Queen_Combat: Jan 15, 2011

Secret Santa is right around the corner

# ? Sep 4, 2016 09:20

tarbrush: Feb 7, 2011; ALL ABOARD THE SCOTLAND HYPE TRAIN!

CHOO CHOO

Geirskogul posted:

Secret Santa is right around the corner

Will lol when half the secret Santa is just glowing elf dongs winging their way across the country.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 17:58

Faerunner: Dec 31, 2007

I may sign up for SASS this year just to see how many people get dongs as gifts.

I won't be sending out mine, though. If you want a dong as a gift from me, you're gonna have to do something amazing for it.

Edit: Like editing Elise's posts for the best printing. Thanks, Brain.

Faerunner fucked around with this message at 14:11 on Sep 5, 2016

# ? Sep 4, 2016 18:56

butthole pornpig: May 12, 2013; The lens is conveniently housed in the pig's ass

Thanks to everyone in this thread, especially Dildomancer and Elise! I am recovering from surgery and have been laughing hysterically, clutching ice packs to my stitches, reading the last few pages. This is absolutely beautiful!

# ? Sep 5, 2016 04:32

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Brain in a Vat posted:

AMAZINGNESS

Oh holy gently caress dude. This is rad, and covers my drunken writefails beautifully. I salute you, and hope your rubber puntl is as satisfactory as the joy you've given me.

Also I wanna do SS too this year, if only for the dongs!

# ? Sep 5, 2016 04:41

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 29, 2024 00:18

Chillbro Baggins: Oct 8, 2004; Bad Angus! Bad!

Dildomancer posted:

Here is a sampler pack I just got:

Why the colored circles? Cameras see different color ranges from human eyes. The colored dots represent what they look like to me. The biggest difference is the purple powder on the right, which is really more of a pale lavender. It emits a good deal of its photons in the ultraviolet range, and I have a UV filter on my camera lens, so it only picks up the blue.
Anyway, there is your primer* on GITD pigments. I can try to answer any other questions you've got.

What brand of camera are you using? Because all the high-end Nikon DSLRs I've used tend to see bright purple as blue even when it's not UV glow-in-the-dark. Really annoyed the one school whose colors were the same as the 3rd Street Saints when their football uniforms/graduation robes were blue in the newspaper.

# ? Sep 5, 2016 08:11

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Ask me about making horrific silicone fantasy dildos! [NWS]

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