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City of Glompton


:agreed:


thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

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misty mountaintop

by Hand Knit

loquacius posted:

*stands on sidewalk corner leaning against wall* Psst. Hey. Hey kid. Kid. You want some breakfast? *holds out tantalizing baggie of chopped celery sticks* First meal is free. You want more, you come find me. I got that Jimmy D, I got that Special K, I got Two Scoops, I got Snap Crackle Pop, anything you need. Most important meal of the day, son.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

City of Glompton


thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

misty mountaintop

by Hand Knit

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

google THIS

Hogge Wild

by FactsAreUseless

shoophobo posted:

I still don't know how to post here.
can I call people a fuckman and talk about my addictions/dark desires?

Saint Isaias Boner posted:

you can call people fellowman and talk about your hobbies and pets

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

alnilam

Piso Mojado


omg

nvm no cake


lol

FluffieDuckie

FactsAreUseless posted:

Smart guy: I am Barack Obama. I am the logical president. I like to vote for logical things, such as XKCD comics or the television show Stephen Universe.

Dumb guy: I am columnist George F. Will. I like baseball, football, basketball, and just generally being a big dumb jock. I have sex all day, with many different kinds of women. My enemy is the logical president Barack Obama. We are rivals.

Smart guy: I will vote for health care. I will vote for overtime reform. I will vote for immigration enforcement changes. I am the logical man. I am Barack Obama.

Dumb guy: I am the powerful sex writer George F. Will. I have written about many things: taxes, Texas, ticks, and talking. I love sex. My penis is large, but my brain has a below-average number of folds.

Smart guy: I will destroy you with my sword. I will destroy you with my Japanese-style sword from a catalog. I remain Barack Obama, the president of logic.

Dumb guy: I also have a sword from a catalog, and mine has a confederate flag dragon on it. And yet, I am still George F. Will, the sex-having word master.

Smart guy: Then the heavens will shake.


Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

City of Glompton

Manifisto posted:

it's not a knock on your Venus, sometimes women just prefer a Dido



thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

HighwireAct


Pozzo's Hat

Slush Garbo

FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

mysterious frankie posted:

it's more like I like a little coffee with my cream and sugar! hahaha *toe blackens, falls off diabetically* hahahahaha

Luvcow

One day nearer spring

FutonForensic


omg


misty mountaintop

by Hand Knit

mysterious frankie posted:

A POINT BY POINT EXPLANATION OF WHY ALL THE REASONS I WAS FIRED FROM THE GAS STATION ARE BULLSHIT

1: let my friend Cody live there at night: Cody and I go way back and so I gotta do the guy a solid (samurai outlaw code of honor, look it up in the school of the autodidacts, i.e. The Internet) and after all those times Cody broke in and stole fifth avenue bars and toilet paper it was pretty obvious that we needed night security. it killed two birds with one stone! but apparently if you don't have a management degree from College Among The Redwoods like Steve you're not qualified to make decisions that can save the company potential millions.

2. shorted out the electrical system while trying to hang Mensa certification: a professional should be able to hang proof of their accreditation in their place of business. duh. even my grandfather has a Worlds Best Grandpa certificate, framed, on the wall of his den. so why can't I? people should know that when I overhear their conversations and give them life advice that it's coming from a well of deep insight, so it's not my fault Steve did not provide a stud finder with the deep scan function I would have needed to detect the wiring in the exact spot I was hammering the nail? I ASKED FOR THIS DEVICE WEEKS IN ADVANCE! also apparently I hung it in front of the sign to that says what year you have to have been born in if you want smokes and booze. whatever man. that's a bullshit law anyways and babies should be allowed to drink.

3. smoked a lot of meth all the time in the bathroom: uh... they were lab chemicals. from a lab. you know, where scientists are from??? it's not called doing drugs; it's called being physically & recreationally addicted to cuttting edge nootropics, look them up and get educated before the next time you act like a mega dick and freak a guy out who is just starting to peak on his brain enhancing ochre powder.

4. beat up my stepdad in the parking lot: ok yeah this one I have to cop to.

in summation, President Obama, this whole thing is bullshit so please call Steve and tell him to give me my job back. thank you and may you be blessed by your own rationality.

respectfully,
Brian Stopka, esq (iq 164, https://www.freetests.org certified)

Try Juno Free internet today and find out what millions of Cambodians are talking about! https://www.juno.com

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

FactsAreUseless

That thread is gold.

City of Glompton

it would be if a few more people would vote. don't forget to vote everyone, make your voice heard!


thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

Luvcow

One day nearer spring

City of Glompton posted:

it would be if a few more people would vote. don't forget to vote everyone, make your voice heard!

done

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!

HighwireAct posted:

*years later, at a job working for a major corporation*
boss: “i wanted to talk to you about that project i assigned you last week”
me: “what about it?”
boss: “i asked for a meme.” *holding up tablet* “this is a gif.”
me:
boss: “don't you know the difference?”
me: *wiping clammy hands on pants* “i, uh”

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

HighwireAct


Pozzo's Hat

Moon Atari posted:

I was going to argue that it isn't animal crossing without a tom nook shaking us down for cash in exchange for mostly needless cosmetic upgrades, but then I remembered where I was posting.

Boomzilla

Slush Garbo

FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

HighwireAct posted:

“folks, my taxes are astounding. unbelievable. tremendous. people tell me all the time – and this is true, folks, I heard it myself – ‘donald j. trump, i am just blown away by your taxes.’ in fact, i had a man come up to me at a dinner party, and you know what he said to me, folks? i'm telling you, this man walks up with a plate full of trump steaks – and sharper image threw away a tremendous opportunity with that one – he walks up to me and he says, ‘donald, i trust you more than anyone in the world,’ – and folks, I think you can see where he's coming from – ‘can you do me this one favor?’ and i say ‘of course, what is it?’ and he looks me in the eyes and says ‘i want you to tax my wife.’ and you know what i did, folks? i shook the man's hand, and i taxed his wife right there in the middle of the ballroom. and i can assure you, i can guarantee you that i have great skill and tremendous confidence in that department”

alnilam

Macnult

misty mountaintop

by Hand Knit

Ahundredbux posted:

help I wrote my own wife and she came to life and won't stop nagging me about my cliché portrayal of women

google THIS

social vegan posted:

operator: "Hello this is 911 what is your emergency"

me: "I will tell thee of my emergency if thou shalt answer these riddles, three"

o: "Sir I don't have time for this, what is the nature of your emergency"

me: "Ah anxious, aren't we. What has 2 legs in the morning, but only 1 leg in the afternoon"

o: "Sir, I'm hanging up"

me: "incorrect my fair lady, 'tis my uncle, there's been a horrible accident"

Hogge Wild

by FactsAreUseless

lol

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

misty mountaintop

by Hand Knit

Manifisto posted:



weekend progressing nicely . . .

Luvcow

One day nearer spring

Glass Bottom Boat posted:

dad was a gamer himself back in the day ,and remembers a time when you had to pick servers manually from a big list. back then, there was no twitch, no youtube, no glitz, no glamor. just rowdy boys in it for the frags, the lulz, and the love of the game. they said he was good enough to go CPL, and he almost did. but in the final qualifying round, he slipped while going long A and got carpal tunnel. let his whole team down. had to hang up the keyboard forever. now dad pushes his boy to become the man he never was.

Randy Travesty

PHANTOM QUEEN



Piso Mojado


Lol

FluffieDuckie

FutonForensic posted:

8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 A kickass RC quadcopter drone from RadioShack® appeared to them, and the glory of capitalism shone around them, and they were extremely into it. 10 The drone said to them, “Hang-ten my dudes. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all gamers. 11 There's a Steam sale on. I got Civ 6 for like thirty percent off"


Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

alnilam

Manifisto posted:

Darkness falls across the land
William's hour is close at hand
He creeps and crawls in search of snacks
He needs to learn how to relax
And whosoever shall be found
Letting William hang around
Must stand and face the curse of hell--
The boring tales he likes to tell
The foulest stench is in the air
He's failed to clean the Frigidaire
And grisly grunts from 'twixt his lips
Are interspersed with slurps and sips
And though you fight to keep your cool
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can enjoy
The presence of the Biller

FactsAreUseless

little munchkin posted:

oh is your autobiography out already?
click the link

Macnult

joke_explainer posted:

Predators scrambling over surprising upset, "klllicklkikackikiktktkacktk!" Subtitle: There's no fundamental law that says a dog can't participate in the Hunt!"

Senior Management



I feel like this might go here this looks like the right spot.

joke_explainer posted:

I heard in the last episode he dropped his chisel to the ground and said "My final masterpiece... complete. I've expressed every part of my soul for the sake of art. I am done... and undone." then left in a daze. He had just installed a disco ball in a 1986 mercury cougar.

:jerry:

Bo-Pepper

Want some rye?
Course ya do!

FactsAreUseless posted:

*click* Good afternoon, Mansplaining Hotline, my name is Thomas. How can I direct your call today?

I uh... my husband was telling me how, ah, how the vacuum cleaner works today.

Mm-hmm.

And he's never vacuumed.

Ah, I see.

It's just... yeah. You know?

Well, sweetie. Can I call you sweetie?

I'd prefer--

Sweetheart, listen. Listen. What you do is, you pour yourself a glass of something nice. What do you like? Wine? Red wine?

I - I'm sorry, I thought this was--

Mansplaining Hotline, hon, I'm trying to help you out here. Listen, get a glass of wine, put your feet up for a bit. Okay? Your husband, what's his name?

Um. Bill. It's uh--

Bill, right. Right. Hon, Bill's just trying to help out. You understand that, right?

I don't think--

I mean, listen, sweetie, your husband's at work all day, what's he do, he an engineer?

He's in sales, but I don't see how that--

Sales, awesome, great job, my dad was in sales. Great job. And you stay home, right? How many kids?

I'm a dentist, you little--

Haha, that's great hon, that's fantastic. Hey, listen, babe? Babe, I've gotta go, I'm getting a text from this ka-razy chick named Megan, you would not believe what - but hey, you're a married gal, you've been around, right?

What?

Anyway, thanks for calling the Mansplaining Hotline. Glad I could help. You stay chill, sugar tits. I'm audi 5000.

*click*

google THIS

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Randy Travesty

PHANTOM QUEEN


FactsAreUseless posted:

The only epidemic is the team fun being passed down through the family, the American family, like we used to have back in the day, back before it was all bisexual communist dental hygienists running the trains and the planes, back when everyone played baseball, every day, every drat day whether we wanted to or not, beating the poo poo out of anything leather we could find, we were crazy for it, a mouth-foaming bloodlust like John Wayne in his classic film John Wayne Rides The Horse Again, but I guess that's not America anymore, I guess America's more about everyone gets a trophy when they find a piece of the old America in their backyard, buried down with the dead hamsters and your dad's Miles Davis records, I guess that's just about how things are now but by god I can still feel my body floating like a fetus on a massive pool of Cracker Jack.


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