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flerp posted:Surreal crits Thank you!
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Nov 8, 2016 02:45
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In with a flash rule please.
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Nov 8, 2016 03:00
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I'm sorry, Miss Thunderdome. I am for real. In.
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Nov 8, 2016 03:21
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Boston, city of champions. Take that, Seattle/Wellington goons
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Nov 8, 2016 03:38
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To: Thunderdome@somethingawful.com From: widespread@somethingawful.com Subject: Week 223 admission form. I'M IN. FLASH RULE ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
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Nov 8, 2016 03:40
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Thanks for the crit Flerp. In
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Nov 8, 2016 04:14
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sparksbloom posted:Week 223: Dear Thunderdome im judge
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Nov 8, 2016 05:29
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In, and sure, I'll take a flash rule
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Nov 8, 2016 07:42
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Surreal Crits: Read and critted in judgemode for the lulz. At least, that’s how I started. By the last third or so I already knew who wrote what as I started my crits before judgement and finished them after. I love talking shop, and I'm happy to re-read and give a more detailed repsonse to anyone who wants it. I'm on IRC all the time. Is It Taboo? – (I remember seeing this get submitted early and I think it was from a newbie) Your punctuation is crazy-go-nuts. You use a lot of semi-colons but then there’s comma splices all over the drat place. I counted at least 4 or 5. It’s really distracting. I was somehow on board with your story though, pretty much all the way through… until the end but we’ll get there. Despite being on board, I couldn’t really figure out much of what was going on. You submitted this early, that much I know and I think if you walked away from this for a day or two and came back to it, you would have found a way to make this tighter and clearer. I think the saving grace was the music prompt. It fit. Where you really lost me though was on this being a drug trip. That bummed my poo poo. I wish you hadn’t ended it that way. It kinda just excuses all of the images you worked to develop and it doesn’t manage to accomplish much. You spent the bulk of the story trying to paint a picture. Trust that your audience is on board for that experience. We don’t necessarily need to know why. The bumper killed this for me, I wouldn’t say it tamped all the way down to DM territory on its own, but that, and the lack of clarity/punctuation issues means I wouldn’t defend it from such a judgement. Transfer Request The formatting of this story is a mess and it makes it hard to read. Preview edit your post and make sure the thing looks halfway decent. You spent time writing your story, honor that time by spending 2 minutes making sure it looks good. This wasn’t really a story, and I’m having a hard time telling what is going on. It’s hard for me to give much feedback here because I just don’t know what you were going for at all. I get that this is a letter being written asking for a transfer, but I’m not understanding what he’s saying, it feels like some random string of complaints and not much else. This didn’t work. Butterfly Sails The writing in this was clear and effective. You did a good job of painting your pictures. The story itself? Kinda seemed of little consequence. We begin with you explaining that the carnage has been too much for your protag, but then he jumps out… and he can’t say why… except you just said why… so what’s happening here? I’m not sure what your character is trying to do in this story. It worked with the music and was a pleasant enough read but the ending didn’t feel too solid or in tune with the rest of the piece. This was kind of middle of the road for me. How Birds Are Born As with an earlier crit, preview edit your posts please, you needed spaces between some of these lines. This is a huge eyesore. I kinda get what’s going on and you’re setting up for some decent images but overall, I’m not quite following what’s going on here. I get that this is some kind of bird growery/factory type of deal but apart from that this is kind of a story where things just happen. At the end the kid gets the bird but it seems horrific. She doesn’t seem to mind and I don’t understand why she doesn’t. There is consistent logic, and I think it also works well enough for the music. This was kinda just fine. Creative Disobedience I liked this one enough. There are some typos “it’s hard to described” and things like that, but in general this worked. Nathan is a dick, so it’s kinda nice when he gets what’s coming to him, but when the first half of the story is told from his point of view, we’re spent having to deal with him and it’s a little frustrating. I guess I’m also not really seeing the point of John being a guy who was laid off from his job and so he’s giving poo poo away? Didn’t really follow why that matter or how it helped you. . Kind of a minor crit really, because overall this worked for me. Sky’s Reprise My fingers are sore from rifling through my dictionary. Christ, you know some words don’t you? Anyway, this was tough to follow but at least it was pretty. I’m still not quite sure what your character is/who they are/what they’re trying to do, I think I have some guesses. The prose is strong enough that it carried me through the story but by the end I was more confused than satisfied. Pickle Me This Lots of typos throughout this “it’s” when it should be “its” misspelled words, “comenced” etc. Proofread more words please. I like the idea of a guy stuck in a pickle, but that’s about all I’m enjoying out of this piece. The writing isn’t clear you lean heavily on “really” and “actually” when you could just cut them and come across stronger. The sentences also just sound unpleasant. This is a good example: “One thing people know about ghouls is, that due to being mostly rotten flesh, and bones, they can't run very fast. Another thing people know is, that their decomposed brain make them very stupid.” Read that out loud, it’s not happytimes. Not really sure what you were going for or how or why you needed ghouls in this story at all and “un-ceremoniously” doesn’t need the dash and you didn’t even need it in the first place. This story could benefit from a line crit. I’m not going to do that now because I don’t have time, and there are better people who could do a better job than me. Bradycardia Nice, very nice. I loved your light-handed approach to the prompt. I read this faster than any of the others so far and it kept my interest and it reached a satisfying conclusion for its purposes. The idea is a strong one and I’m glad you handled it well. I don’t have much else to say about this one. I enjoyed it. Oh, Piolet! OK, not so much on this one. Little about this worked. The stakes here are so very low and it makes it hard to care. I get that this is kind of a TV show existence of sorts and that the big conflict is settled neatly and in time for the end but it’s not good storytelling, it’s really more of a parody that you’re doing. I don’t much care for that; I want a good story. The language is totally out of crazytown and people never talk like this. “I’m just looking at you alertly” isn’t something anyone has ever said. I’m guessing you could justify that by trying to make these folks all seem odd but I’m also unsure of what it’s accomplishing. Forgetting to Drown The action in this was clear enough and easy to follow for what felt like a bit of a complex string of events. So good on you for that. I don’t quite understand that reasoning behind the opening though. I wouldn’t have minded as much if you didn’t bother to include the burger buddy thing, would’ve kept it jarring and non-descript. But if you’re going to do give some context, starting with it may help. Otherwise this was functional and clear, didn’t hit me super hard or anything but there were some nice words and some nice sentences. Held Music I respect the ambition to write a story about what might possibly be the worst and most mundane situation possible. Problem is, that’s kinda just what happens in the story and it only really goes with that and intensifies the negative. I think I’d rather read a story where the opposite happens. Where, somehow a character finds some kind of way to turn it into a blissful situation. We all already know how much this sucks; you don’t need to tell us, much less write a story about it. Slaughter Got some genuine giggles out of me. Good dialogue, snappy even, at times. I don’t have much to offer in the way of criticism here. I guess things could have been a little clearer. Gun to my head? I’m not sure if I could nail all of the plot points exactly as they happen All Their Hollow, Empty Prayers Clearly you’ve played Bastion. At least I’d be surprised if you hadn’t, as this went right for the voice of the narrator and nailed it, for the most part. Otherwise, there’s good clear action in this coupled with solid images and a good, striking voice. I liked this one. Chute The first half was stronger than the second. Once Teddy is out and on the ground, things just kind of happen. He notices some things, sees some, gets hungry, gets stalked. Meh. I wish he made more choices, I think the story would have been stronger overall if the back-end had more decisions. Frog Sounds This didn’t pop. I was excited this week to read big stories with some crazy poo poo going on and nothing about this really felt all that surreal. It’s also just kind of a bummer. We just have to see the frog deal with a raft of poo poo. This is kinda mean and I’m not sure what you were trying to accomplish. Knight Sacrifice This piece didn’t hold my interest and I think the problem is you promised some fun dragon time and then spent most of your story in a journey that I couldn’t be arsed to care about as much. The horse talking is a cool touch but if you’re gonna have a talking horse maybe give him some more personality and characterization. Hell’s Other People Another edition of “I glazed over during this”. Nothing’s happening in this, there isn’t really a story. You talk a bit about some things that have happened but you ignore the details of the lake and how it works. If you’re not gonna bother having much happen, at least pick the interesting things to talk about. Market Fluctuations Read your first sentence out loud. Whatever good words may follow it don’t matter because you’ve already put my head in a bad place assuming that the rest of this is going to be clunky. Anyway, I don’t understand what the poo poo on the ceiling has to do with any of this That may mean there’s something obvious I’m missing but it just makes me feel dumb, and that makes me grumpy. I think there’s a point you’re trying to make but you’re dancing around it too much. Also, stop saying your MC’s name so much. Finn’s You waste time in your opening paragraph “the name of the establishment”, why? Just call it what it is. Your next paragraph starts with a horrible bit of telling, rather than showing, but then you go ahead and show us anyway. So yeah, more wasted time. There’s other small things in this that just bother me, your sentences aren’t sounding good. “The room was awash in blue light emanating from a large curving fish tank that filled the wall on one side of the room.” You’re starting and ending a sentence with the same two (bad) words. Anyway, this all kind of second to the fact that the story just doesn’t have enough substance to it. Not enough in it happens that I could find myself caring about. Raise the stakes. Moving On I think this was supposed to sting more than it did. I wish the story started with the swallowing shards bit, and went from there, everything else felt a little uneven and unclear. I appreciate you trying to do more with less, but you could have spent some more words developing the picture of your piece. Kinder mit lego Waffen. I was wondering if anyone would go this route, the child imagination thing. I’m glad you did and overall this OK. But really, all this is, or at least all I’m seeing is kids loving around. There’s gotta be a reason to care. Your ending basically invalidates the story if I’m reading it correctly. By just asking to run it back, the consequences are diminished and it’s sort of confirmed that none of this mattered. Under the Maelstrom Starting a story with the phrase “you wouldn’t understand” in a week were stories are naturally going to be a little out there is an invitation for me to hate you. That happens again in the story and all I can really say is “yeah, I don’t understand”. I’m getting that there’s some body stuff going on but the clarity here is kind of off and isn’t helping. There are pretty words here and there and some of the images are well constructed but overall this is kinda middle of the road for me.
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Nov 8, 2016 08:17
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Hello World, in.
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Nov 8, 2016 09:36
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In,  , and flash rule please.
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Nov 8, 2016 17:50
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In, flash me
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Nov 8, 2016 19:49
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in
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Nov 8, 2016 19:54
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Thank you for the crits Chili.
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Nov 8, 2016 21:37
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In. thx for comments (and hawklad for bird comments last week)
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Nov 8, 2016 22:13
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vintagepurple posted:In, flash me  Your letter is written with a pen made of bone.Boaz-Jachim posted:In, I would have written you a shorter letter, but I did not have time' BeefSupreme posted:In, and sure, I'll take a flash rule a master of evil widespread posted:To: Thunderdome@somethingawful.com Breaking the rules with a broken ruler Jay W. Friks posted:In Middle manager of all he surveysHawklad posted:In with a flash rule please. Flying with the turkeys Thranguy posted:In and up for a flash rule as well. Much has changed since last I wrote
sebmojo fucked around with this message at 04:20 on Nov 9, 2016 |
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Nov 8, 2016 23:13
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IN: If you want to give me a flash rule I want it to be a brutal and unforgiving OG Thunderdome one.
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Nov 9, 2016 04:03
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:IN: i drink ten gallons of rice milk and pull the headlights out of my car hood now they are way gone (source)
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Nov 9, 2016 04:31
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Goons if you give into despair and can't write this week I will FIND YOU AND RIP YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST then give it a big ol' hug because it needs it. Seriously though, no matter what, keep writing because creation is awesome and the world needs pretty much every drop of awesome it can get.
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Nov 9, 2016 18:38
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Goons please write all stories this week as political satire and forward to sittinghere@thunderdome.edu thanks in advance
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Nov 9, 2016 18:43
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flash rule plz
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Nov 9, 2016 18:54
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I'm in, and it'll be properly formatted this time! Hit me with a flash rule.
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Nov 9, 2016 19:51
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In. Please may I have a flash rule.
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Nov 9, 2016 23:50
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flerp posted:flash rule plz love letter to an animal Okua posted:I'm in, and it'll be properly formatted this time! Hit me with a flash rule. I'm not sure if you got my last letter (you didn't respond) but I just want to clarify this one last thing Baleful Osmium Sea posted:In. Please may I have a flash rule. message in a bottle
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Nov 10, 2016 00:03
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Ironic Twist posted:NEXT THUNDERTOME BOOK okay I'll give you what you want, fuckers moving this to Thursday, November 17th, same time of day
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Nov 10, 2016 03:14
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Chili posted:Surreal Crits: Thanks!
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Nov 10, 2016 03:42
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In with a flash rule.
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Nov 10, 2016 05:28
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Maigius posted:In with a flash rule. musical ransom note
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Nov 10, 2016 05:51
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i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. to have it done by the following prompt's submission close. e: g.: sitting here poem sebmojo fucked around with this message at 12:55 on Nov 10, 2016 |
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Nov 10, 2016 12:19
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sebmojo posted:i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. dibs
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Nov 10, 2016 13:36
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done. write well.
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Nov 10, 2016 13:51
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sebmojo posted:i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it.  Thank you golden-voiced kiwi
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Nov 10, 2016 19:17
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My only experience with that accent is through comedians so I kept waiting for the story to be funny.
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Nov 10, 2016 19:20
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Major brain blockage here! Flash me plz!
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Nov 10, 2016 21:32
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sebmojo posted:i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. I would start throwing my talents into the fold but all I've got at the moment is writing and my writing is pretty bad. Three crits this week.
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Nov 10, 2016 22:32
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Fuubi posted:Major brain blockage here! dear company this is why i'm returning your defective product
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Nov 10, 2016 23:10
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gently caress it, I'll play
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Nov 10, 2016 23:16
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In
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Nov 12, 2016 04:19
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In.
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Nov 12, 2016 05:34
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 10:39 |
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In
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Nov 12, 2016 07:45
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