Helena Handbasket posted:

Does anybody have that one about a girl that's raised in squalor by super terrible parents and she sort of parents her siblings by default, and as an adult she gets in a relationship with a manchild and lives in misery and squalor and procreates with him and perpetuates the cycle? I feel like the last line is "you're the mommy now, kid" or words to that effect but googling that is not a productive move. It was so drat incisive and on point.

WHEEZY KISS A DUDE posted:

This is where you are wrong, I'm afraid.

These disgusting, deplorable human beings will find a woman who loves them, but it will not be a healthy woman nor will it be a healthy definition of love.

It will be a woman who grew up too fast. Maybe it was the result of a messy divorce, perhaps due to the death of one of their parents.

This girl will be thrust into the position of matriarch for their younger siblings, waking them up for school, packing their lunches, doing their laundry, cleaning the house. Helping with their homework. Of course, these younger siblings didn't know any better, and would routinely leave their dirty dishes laying around. And an older child already traumatized by the loss of a parent isn't going to want to make things any harder for the ones they need to take care of. After all, they just want them to be happy. So they adjust to cleaning up. They adjust to being yelled at when they are out of Twinkies. Maybe the little brother, who isn't so little anymore now that a few years has passed, gets really angry, shouts "YOU'RE NOT MOM!" and hits her a little. But it's ok, she understands, he's still grieving the loss, however metaphorical, of their mother and he's not really mad at her. He loves her.

They will equate love with mothering, and will extend into their romantic lives.

They will try to mother every guy they ever date. Most guys will catch on right away and kick her to curb, where she will bitch and complain about guys not appreciating her, how can they keep leaving me after I clean their apartment and cook them dinner every night?! I always make sure his bills are paid, his clothes are clean. I tell him he should wear the deep blue oxford shirt with the wheat colored tie to work.

Meanwhile, these man-children were obviously raised by a mother who cleaned up after them, cooked for them, cleaned for them. They were never told to clean their room; instead, it was cleaned over the weekend for them while they spent it at a friend's house. They were never told to do their laundry; they simply left it in a pile on the floor of the laundry room. In most cases, the father did the same thing, so they grew up equating romantic love as having a woman that cooked and cleaned and did the laundry while the man sat around in his boxers drinking beer and watching college football, flinging the remnants of buffalo wings hither, thither, and yon, hollaring to their wife to bring them another can of Schlitz and this time it had better be open. Maybe Daddy yelled a lot more by the time Saturday night rolled around, and it was the 3rd quarter of the UVA/VT game, and maybe he would accidentally hit Mommy, but not on purpose, just because he was excited, but she understood and it was always ok the next day. He wasn't mad at her. He loves her.

And they will meet women, somehow, and each one will run screaming when she sees his apartment, or on the off chance she's drunk enough not to notice, will gag and wretch when she undoes his fly and smells a crotch that hasn't been maintained for a week.

He won't understand why these girls don't want to take care of him, to clean his place up for him, to cook him dinner. He doesn't understand why they tell him to go gently caress himself when he asks if they can go to the laundromat for him. He just wants someone to care about him, which he thinks means someone to care for him.

Somehow, he'll wade throw a pile of soda cans, pizza boxes, shat-in underwear, cum tissues, and dirty dishes waist deep and find their way outside, dressed in their finest Pokemon t-shirts and cargo shorts and maybe go to a bar. He heard something about Guitar Hero night at this one place, and of course he always gets 99% on Through The Fire and The Flames on Expert Difficulty so it should be a good night.

Somehow, she'll be able to get out of the house for a night. Her friends, or more than likely, her one or two only friends in the world, girls she went to high school with who got knocked up at 17 and can sympathize with taking care of kids at such a young age, want to drag her to this bar that plays some stupid guitar video game so they can all laugh at the people who take it way too seriously.

They meet, they date, they start a relationship. And it's the most perfect storm of fuckeduperry since Hurricane Katrina.

She will cook and clean and wash and dry, and he will play video games and leave his dirty dishes out on the coffee table and his dirty clothes all over the bedroom floor, and she will happily clean up after him. She'll make sure he eats home-cooked meals, and he will make sure to never rinse his plates off and put them in the dishwasher. She'll bring him another Schlitz while he watches The World Series of Video Games, flinging those little cardboard holders that Hot Pockets have on them hither, thither, and yon. And maybe by the end of the Team Deathmatch round of Modern Warfare 2, he gets a little too excited and takes his frustration out on her, but it's ok because she understands that he's just mad at videogames and not her. He loves her. And he knows that she understands that he's not mad at her. He loves her.

They will be happy as surrogate mother and man-child, each enabling the other's hosed up psychological issues, until they, unfortunately, have a few children and she decides she's had enough, she's been reading books, she knows this isn't normal. She has two choices. She can leave him, or she can kill herself.

Mommy's gone now, honey. You're going to have to take care of your little brother and sister.

Tiggum posted:

Found it by googling "something awful hither thither and yon".

Karate Bastard posted:

Well that's this day.

e: I'm thinking a bit of murder in society isn't necessarily a bad thing, really?

my dad posted:

Nothing forces the family of the victim to accept the payment. And you might also find yourself politely de-liveified in front of a cheering audience under the same rules.

Biplane posted:

Anyone got the quote about fuckin up your cat to make its glutes hella big? Surprisingly hard to google

quote:

"dear letter to the editor, my cat has weak as hell glutes, what should i do?

- sincerely, flummoxed in florida"

quote:

Flummoxed in Florida, wow, just wow! Your cat should havce great rear end mother loving glutes. What's going on? If you're training your felines correctly, the glutes are one muscle that should Ex-MOtherFucking-plode, nikka.
Ok... that was a little harsh. I guess some cats have a hard time getting those glutes up to par but I have a few tips for you that will get thos glutes as nice as all hell.

1.) put a 45lb plate on your cats back. they will seem to be crushed under the weight but if they really want to get out they are going to have to squat that poo poo up off them, so if they want it they will do it.
2.) keep the cardio to a minimum while bulking your cat. If your cat is like most cats it just naturally wants to move around or whatever. this is wrong, loving. You're going to want to keep your cat in a confined rear end as all loving hell cage whree they cant really move when you're not training. this gives the muscles time to rest and regrow.
3.) make your time. remember this sht doesn't happen over night. it's going to be a while, ut dont let that get you lazy thinking you can slack off. you can't you need to seriously gently caress this cat up every single day then throw it back into a place where it can't move.
4.) yank on its tail. many people dont konw this but the tail is directly attached to their rear end so yank on that loving tail till it screams this is going to stimulate muscle growth in its hind quarters. HOld that cat upside down by its tail if you want.

Boom!! there you got. a cat with a nice as gently caress rear end.

I.N.R.I posted:

How exactly is loving a dog and cumming in it supposed to be disgusting or weird? In some asian countries they actually eat dogs which is far worse for the dog's health

Kenny Logins posted:

RareAcumen posted:

Paladinus posted:

Nice meltdown.

the future is WOW posted:

Triticum Guzzler posted:

* I have extensive AI experience; so pattern recognition is something _{that my brain is wired for. Your} post patterns, sentence composition, ^{context connectivity, and word} usage, were a dead giveaway. The more you posted, the more obvious it became that you were a dude.

SinineSiil posted:

Derek Smart was still posting here?
What were his posts about usually?

Outrail posted:

Someone was jerking off to that, weren't they?

Facebook Aunt posted:

Not just posting, he's a mod. Posts about Star Citizen. http://forums.somethingawful.com/forumdisplay.php?forumid=212

SinineSiil posted:

Was he liked there? Ironically?

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

The whole thing is really embarrassing, I don't know.

SinineSiil posted:

Was he liked there? Ironically?

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

They loved him, because the only thing that can stop some guy who is promising a really great space game but is probably going to fail on delivering it is "the same guy but less successful," apparently.

Hell maybe it was ironic. The whole thing is really embarrassing, I don't know.

Alaois posted:

the star citizen forums shouldn't exist

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Derek chilled out a lot over the years and was actually funny. He's incredibly obsessed and slightly insane while being insightful and even charming at times.

B33rChiller posted:

It has been done before

the article posted:

Conservation officers now have to decide what to do about the bears, which might have to be destroyed because they have become too used to human food and contact, police said.

BigglesSWE posted:

They are probably offended by the colour of the coffee.

Subjunctive posted:

You'd think they'd be down with a place that burns hundreds of tall blacks every day.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Messing up the train schedule is the fastest way to ruin your gay bar.

Pixelante posted:

Things goons should never be trusted with:

* feelings
* forklifts

Blue Raider posted:

sometimes you hail satan and sometimes satan hails you

Panic! at Nabisco posted:

https://vtt.tumblr.com/tumblr_ogm9u67yiw1vp2ixs.mp4#_=_

Tiggum posted:

Is that made of stuff you'd actually want to eat, or is it just technically edible?

Gorilla Salad posted:

I'm guessing aspic.

Panic! at Nabisco posted:

It's actually a Mexican thing, it's (usually sweetened/flavored) milk gelatin in clear gelatin. You see them at Chicano parties all the time, apparently.

Cacafuego posted:

Of course, aspic will be at Chicano parties. Probably a lot of them

Say Nothing posted:

Franchescanado posted:

My God, what have I done?

Memento posted:

This is not my beautiful whitehouse

VendaGoat posted:

And the days go by. Water flowing under that. Under the rocks and stones.

Ytlaya posted:

This thread reminds me of when I was 15 and went to my girlfriend's house and saw a loofah in her bathroom and thought it was a tool meant to clean the vagina and got all embarrassed.

Synthbuttrange posted:

sadboy posted:

This is going to be like waking up on christmas and finding out your drunken dad set the house on fire and is beating you with your one and only present, which happens to be a puppy sent from your aunt that died two days before and now the puppy is dead too because when she mailed it she forgot to put airholes in the box.

sadrboy posted:

I am a cat. I have a furry face long whiskers and large paws. If you do not copy this message and post it in 10 threads then i will come into your bed at night and make sexy purring noises while youre jerking off.