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Gwyneth Palpate
Jun 7, 2010

Do you want your breadcrumbs highlighted?

~SMcD

Have Blue posted:

Calling it now, project enkidel is a way to eliminate the need to poop.

after its inevitable success every man, woman, and child will have [PIE]

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Mexican Deathgasm
Aug 17, 2010

Ramrod XTreme

the_steve posted:

C - Lure the taxman downstairs with us. Use him as a test subject for the experiment.

obviously the correct vote.

Also does our wife Puabi know about project Enkidel?

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.

Mexican Deathgasm posted:

obviously the correct vote.

Also does our wife Puabi know about project Enkidel?

Ishamel's wife's name is JessicaBareen. Puabi is his mistress.

Coq au Nandos fucked around with this message at 04:21 on Jan 17, 2017

Tsyni
Sep 1, 2004
Lipstick Apathy

Coq au Nandos posted:

Ishamel's wife's name is JessicaBareen. Puabi is his mistress.

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.

This is funnier so I have retconned in your version. The laundry cat will take a moment to re-process the world.

TacoNight
Feb 18, 2011

Stop, hey, what's that sound?

Tsyni posted:

Ishamel's wife's name is Bareen. Puabi is his mistress.

And we are spending a goodly sum to make sure she isn't getting a red cent in the divorce,

HiHo ChiRho
Oct 23, 2010

drat it Ishamal, you are OUT OF LINE. HAND IN YOUR BADGE

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009

D - Pet laundry cat and give him cheek scratches until he nosedives into the ground

Question Time
Sep 12, 2010



alpaca diseases posted:

D - Pet laundry cat and give him cheek scratches until he nosedives into the ground

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.

alpaca diseases posted:

D - Pet laundry cat and give him cheek scratches until he nosedives into the ground

Please don't misgender my cat

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.
Also voting closes in 10 minutes.

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.
A won but C is funnier, so C wins!

You smile reassuringly at your secretary. Naomi has been incredibly helpful since you hired her away from Microsoft.

"It's fine, I'll meet him in my office. Please send him in."

You enter your office, which can be best described as 'palatial'. The office is a giant empty space with a good sightline of downtown San Francisco. In front of the large plate glass window sits your desk, a huge modern beast built out of red cedar. No matter how much you work out, you've never been able to lift it. You take a seat in your ergonomic chair and wait for the tax man to arrive.

Moments later, he enters. The man is almost annoyingly average - average height, medium weight, kind of hair-coloured hair, medium brown eyes. He is dressed in a suit you can tell on an instinctual level is cheaper than your tailored underwear.

You casually glance up from the iPad you just happened to be reading as he enters.

"Ah, good morning, Mr...?" you ask as you rise to shake the man's hand.

"I'm Harvey Jael, Mr Johnson. Thank you for taking the time."

His handshake is rather weak, but that's ok. You can fix that.

"Not a problem at all, Mr Jael. You've actually joined me at an excellent time - do you mind if we walk and talk?"

Jael readily agrees and follows you out of the office, almost bumping into you as you hold the door for him with a muttered "sorry!". You swiftly lead him from the executive floor into the bowels of Baitel Medical's building.

As you walk, Jael prattles on about an audit, something or other about some new piece of legislation. You don't pay much attention - you have people to deal with your tax arrangements themselves, after all! You nod occasionally while Jael talks, leading him past three security checkpoints and finally using a keypad to access an elevator.

"Now Mr Jael, I'm sure you're wondering why I've brought you here," you explain as the elevator descends.

"As it happens, just last night Baitel Medical made a significant breakthrough - one I think that will put our past tax disagreements entirely behind us."

Jael looks monumentally confused.

"Some time ago, our researchers unearthed a major find at the ruins near Kavodel. We've been working on unlocking its potential, and I think I can confidently say that its applications will revolutionise what it means to be human."

Jael continues to look monumentally confused. As a tax auditor, his education likely did not cover archeology or biomedical science. What kind of tax auditor knows anything at all about ancient civilisations, after all? You carefully conceal a sigh.

The elevator comes to a stop, and the doors open to reveal a stark white room, almost as large as your office. Several scientists are working around a bench, obscuring what lies atop it. Noticing you, the lead researcher approaches. He sees Jael and looks quizzical.

"Jael," you motion to the lab coated man, "meet Dr Ahaz, the head of our research team. Ahaz, how are things?"

Ahaz smiles broadly.

"Oh, they're wonderful, sir! We've finally extracted the catalyst and we're ready to... test..."

He trails off. You nod, once. Silently, Ahaz hands you a syringe.

What do you do?

A: Inject Jael with the syringe
B: Inject yourself with the syringe
C: Inject AHAZ with the syringe
D: I've changed my mind, I want to talk seriously with Jael about my tax situation.

Coq au Nandos fucked around with this message at 05:34 on Jan 17, 2017

FoxTerrier
Feb 15, 2012

Perfectly logical poster who uses the tools available to him to come to solid conclusions

B

Diqnol
May 10, 2010

:stare:

Tsyni
Sep 1, 2004
Lipstick Apathy
lmao, perfect.

A

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008

B. Jael is there as our first HUNGER snack.

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

A obviously.

Mr. Nemo
Feb 4, 2016

I wish I had a sister like my big strong Daddy :(
First off, hahahaha, amazing.


Second, D. This is a tax based CYOA, cut out the silly stuff.

Arkanomen
May 6, 2007

All he wants is a hug
D

HBar
Sep 13, 2007

A. Sorry.

Olothreutes
Mar 31, 2007

A Not sorry.

Diogines
Dec 22, 2007

Beaky the Tortoise says, click here to join our choose Your Own Adventure Game!

Paradise Lost: Clash of the Heavens!

Hellsau
Jan 14, 2010

NEVER FUCKING TAKE A NIGHT OFF CLAN WARS.

Coq au Nandos posted:

Jael continues to look monumentally confused. As a tax auditor, his education likely did not cover archeology or biomedical science. What kind of tax auditor knows anything at all about ancient civilisations, after all?

It's time to learn, Jael. A.

dont be mean to me
May 2, 2007

I'm interplanetary, bitch
Let's go to Mars


D

HBar
Sep 13, 2007

On second thought, testing this out on a federal agent is pretty risky. What if we just go to the bad side of town and grab some criminal's kid? That way they won't even go to the police or anything. Sure, they might try to round up their gang buddies for some vigilante justice, but that's why we have security.

urf
Jul 12, 2009
B

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

D

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 13 hours!
Bring it on!

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

by Nyc_Tattoo
D.

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:
D, I want to day B but Jael is honestly one of my favourite characters.

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.
Voting closes in an hour and 20 minutes. There will be one more update tonight.

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

"That's right. We've evolved."

"I can see that. Cool mutations."




D

We're talking taxes with Jael!

The syringe can go in someone else.

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.
Voting is closed.

There will be a brief pause while I read up on multinational tax avoidance and the US' most recent attempts to combat same. ETA 10pm ADST.

Here's some waiting for the update music: https://electrolemon.bandcamp.com/album/uptown-funk-you-up-2

JosephWongKS
Apr 4, 2009

by Nyc_Tattoo

Coq au Nandos posted:


There will be a brief pause while I read up on multinational tax avoidance and the US' most recent attempts to combat same. ETA 10pm ADST.


Unironically :allears:

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.

Coq au Nandos posted:

A won but C is funnier, so C wins!

You smile reassuringly at your secretary. Naomi has been incredibly helpful since you hired her away from Microsoft.

"It's fine, I'll meet him in my office. Please send him in."

You enter your office, which can be best described as 'palatial'. The office is a giant empty space with a good sightline of downtown San Francisco. In front of the large plate glass window sits your desk, a huge modern beast built out of red cedar. No matter how much you work out, you've never been able to lift it. You take a seat in your ergonomic chair and wait for the tax man to arrive.

Moments later, he enters. The man is almost annoyingly average - average height, medium weight, kind of hair-coloured hair, medium brown eyes. He is dressed in a suit you can tell on an instinctual level is cheaper than your tailored underwear.

You casually glance up from the iPad you just happened to be reading as he enters.

"Ah, good morning, Mr...?" you ask as you rise to shake the man's hand.

"I'm Harvey Jael, Mr Johnson. Thank you for taking the time."

His handshake is rather weak, but that's ok. You can fix that.

"Not a problem at all, Mr Jael. You've actually joined me at an excellent time - do you mind if we walk and talk?"

Jael readily agrees and follows you out of the office, almost bumping into you as you hold the door for him with a muttered "sorry!". You swiftly lead him from the executive floor into the bowels of Baitel Medical's building.

As you walk, Jael prattles on about an audit, something or other about some new piece of legislation. You don't pay much attention - you have people to deal with your tax arrangements themselves, after all! You nod occasionally while Jael talks, leading him past three security checkpoints and finally using a keypad to access an elevator.

"Now Mr Jael, I'm sure you're wondering why I've brought you here," you explain as the elevator descends.

"As it happens, just last night Baitel Medical made a significant breakthrough - one I think that will put our past tax disagreements entirely behind us."

Jael looks monumentally confused.

"Some time ago, our researchers unearthed a major find at the ruins near Kavodel. We've been working on unlocking its potential, and I think I can confidently say that its applications will revolutionise what it means to be human."

Jael continues to look monumentally confused. As a tax auditor, his education likely did not cover archeology or biomedical science. What kind of tax auditor knows anything at all about ancient civilisations, after all? You carefully conceal a sigh.

The elevator comes to a stop, and the doors open to reveal a stark white room, almost as large as your office. Several scientists are working around a bench, obscuring what lies atop it. Noticing you, the lead researcher approaches. He sees Jael and looks quizzical.

"Jael," you motion to the lab coated man, "meet Dr Ahaz, the head of our research team. Ahaz, how are things?"

Ahaz smiles broadly.

"Oh, they're wonderful, sir! We've finally extracted the catalyst and we're ready to... test..."

He trails off. You nod, once. Silently, Ahaz hands you a syringe.

What do you do?

A: Inject Jael with the syringe
B: Inject yourself with the syringe
C: Inject AHAZ with the syringe
D: I've changed my mind, I want to talk seriously with Jael about my tax situation.

You quickly tuck the syringe into the inside pocket of your suit jacket, making sure the needle cap is safely on. Ahaz looks puzzled, but catches your frown and smiles pleasantly again for Mr Jael.

"Thank you, Doctor," you say smoothly. "As I was just saying to Mr Jael, we're making great strides here. The contents of this room could - will! - change the life of the common man!" You gesture around the room a bit theatrically, taking in the stone tablets lining the walls, as well as the sophisticated scientific equipment adorning the benches. At the far end of the room, a truly enormous fossilised bow is mounted on the wall, above the bench surrounded by scientists.

"Now," you continue, "I'm sure you understand, Mr Jael, this is all quite confidential at this stage. Consider this visit an... act of good faith on the part of Baitel Medical. Come, let's find somewhere more comfortable to sit."

You usher Jael back into the elevator and bid Dr Ahaz goodbye. As the elevator doors close, the knot of scientists parts for a moment, and you make out the impression of a massive brown wing resting atop the bench.

--

Across the road from Baitel Medical's office sits a small, unassuming cafe. It is here that you usher Mr Jael, perhaps hoping to put him at ease by moving away from your domain. You of course own the cafe as well, but suspect your accountants have hidden the purchase well enough - Jael does seem markedly calmer outside of the ultramodern biotech company.

He doesn't seem to know quite what to make of the menu, but eventually orders a cappuccino and a doughnut. You know better than to order from the menu, and send the waitress away with an order for tea and 'seaweed cakes'. Jael raises an eyebrow but keeps his opinions on your order to himself.

With beverages delivered, you take a sip of your tea and smile over the rim of your cup.

"Well, Mr Jael. I hope I haven't held you up too much. Now, what can I do for you today?"

Jael sips his own coffee, fumbles for a moment and puts it down. A small dribble of coffee makes its way down the side of his cup and onto the table.

"Sorry," he says, mopping at it with a napkin. "As I was saying, I represent a new division of the IRS. We're very interested in corporations like yours, with beneficial taxation arrangements in other countries."

You frown, but it's mainly for the tax man's benefit. You've read about this initiative - the brainchild of President Tudiya, who campaigned hard on the issue. Your lawyers have assured you that Baitel Medical's arrangement is and will remain perfectly legal under the set of statutes Tudiya will be able to force through an uncooperative Congress. And if Project Enkidel lives up to expectations, that won't be a concern for much longer anyway.

"I wasn't aware that the legislation supporting your new division had been enacted, Mr Jael," you reply.

Jael smiles thinly.

"We were activated last night - I understand the President is quite anxious to deal with the issue of tax avoidance, so he signed an executive order to broaden our powers of investigation."

You raise an eyebrow. Your smartwatch bleeps at you. You ignore it - it's just reporting with some alarm on the sudden spike in your blood pressure, and you're very well aware of that phenomenon anyway.

"Right now we've got agents raiding Apple, Google, Microsoft, News Corp - you name it." Jael makes eye contact with you, and you realise that it's the first time he's done so since you were introduced. His eyes may be an unremarkable shade, but they snap with intelligence, and no small amount of righteous anger.

"We've waited a long time for this, Mr Johnson," he continues, boring into your eyes with his own. "The free ride's ending today, and I think we'll be taking a very serious interest in the duties you paid to import the contents of that basement of yours."

He glances across the street, and you notice a stream of men in dark suits entering your building. Your phone buzzes.

"You might want to take that," Jael continues remorselessly. "It's probably your lawyer."

Well poo poo. Now what?

A: Answer the call. Stay civil in front of this government lackey.
B: Ohshitohshitohshit! Your OFFICE is being RAIDED! RUN across the street and stop the tax agents from entering your property!
C: Inject Jael with the syringe.
D: Inject yourself with the syringe.
E: Run for the car park. You keep in shape, you think you can make it to your car and get out of here before anything else goes wrong. Escape!
F: Run for your car, but you're not going to escape. Drive to Washington and go talk some sense into President Tudiya!
G: F, but inject President Tudiya with the syringe.

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 13 hours!
Damn you all! You will not stop me!

Coq au Nandos
Nov 7, 2006

I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question... A shitpost is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.


Laundry cat wishes you all a good night. We'll pick up in around 11 hours.

There Bias Two
Jan 13, 2009
I'm not a good person

H. Inject the unsuspecting waitress nearby. On her wages she won't be able to afford a good enough attorney to sue you later.

Basscop
Jun 4, 2010

Lightnin? HA! Thats a good 'un!
Now why dontcha
come o'er here and
GET

IN

MY

BELLY!!!
H - bring him back up to our office. Tie him up, inject him and livestream it on twitch while making/posting/talking hilarious dank memes

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Hobolicious
Oct 7, 2012

The military might of a country represents its national strength. Only when it builds up its military might in every way can it develop into a thriving country.
D

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