FreudianSlippers posted:

Or was that Sasquatch?

Disgusting Coward posted:

Nah dude, Sasquatch died of a heart attack in the 70s.

Collateral Damage posted:

I always thought you killed crabs the same way you kill lobsters.

Moon Slayer posted:

I'm glad I learned about Fyre Festival tonight.

https://twitter.com/LamaanGallal/status/857851092964564992

Danger-Pumpkin posted:

I really like the nice-guy mafia man you play as. He has so much heart, and is clearly a nice and benevolent figure, thrust into a violent world which he is at odds with. This is evident in how he spared not only Frank's family, but Frank as well, and also in how he absolutely obliterated that housekeeper's skull with a baseball bat. That's integrity, and honor: the sort of thing you only see in a classy professional criminal organization, like the mafia.

bobjr posted:

Random Stranger posted:

Allow me as a nerd to post a four paragraph screed about how awful it is that Marvel made the new Ghost Rider a woman.

Collateral Damage posted:

I always thought you killed crabs the same way you kill lobsters.

We Know Catheters posted:

Knife directly into their head

Solice Kirsk posted:

I always thought the most humane way to kill live lobsters/crabs was to stuff them into a tube sock, whirl them around your head several times, and then slam them into the corner of a brick wall. Then you just toss them (sock and all) into the boiling water.

That's why lobster boils are also known as "sock hops."

Improbable Lobster posted:

No.

Improbable Lobster posted:

If you want to kill a shellfish with little effort put them in water with some clove oil. Knocks them right out. Lobsters don't have a centralized nervous system so a knife in the head doesn't actually do that much.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

All this conversation has done is get me hungry for crab.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Well, I guess you'd know.

Solice Kirsk posted:

I always thought the most humane way to kill live lobsters/crabs was to stuff them into a tube sock, whirl them around your head several times, and then slam them into the corner of a brick wall. Then you just toss them (sock and all) into the boiling water.

That's why lobster boils are also known as "sock hops."

Hogge Wild posted:

it wouldn't be very humane to use goons' socks for that

and you shouldn't really toss into boiling water

RFC2324 posted:

When I was in high school, I had a friend who maintained a supply of cyanide, 'just in case'. He gathered it by cooking it out of apple seeds, and would pass it around so we could all smell how almondy it was.

I wonder if he is dead yet.

DrBouvenstein posted:

I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but your friend just had a bottle of almond extract.

Average Bear posted:

Antisemitic Avatar

Black Baby Goku posted:

Good sequel. Cameron does it again

Platystemon posted:

The current Attorney General is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III.

Leavemywife posted:

That's the kind of name that should come with a mint julep.

Platystemon posted:

It’s the kind of name that comes with a lot of baggage, but also enough negro servants to carry it.

Eox posted:

According to folk etymology, Eskimo is a Cree term for "Blubber-eater", "Snowshoe-lacer" or "He who eats it raw" depending on who you ask. There's a good reason nobody is all that fond of the term anymore.

Eponymous posted:

Just a sec, I need to insert "he who eats it raw" into my insult database.

RaspberryCommie posted:

IT absolutely is. It's another one of those "It totally works, but BIG PHARMA doesn't want you to know about it"

(It actually was used as a cancer treatment in the early 20th century, but even communist Russia considered it too lethal to use)

Phlegmish posted:

How would it cure cancer.

Bogan King posted:

Dead people don't die of cancer I guess.

IamnotJoe posted:

WTF are you talking about. I am pretty sure monks new what ducks looked like, I mean it's a bunch of dudes in a monastery. Surely they have all at least seen a dick.

Ransack posted:

Why does your dick look like a duck?

Bogan King posted:

Yours doesn't?

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

If you untuck your dacks and your dick looks like a duck then go see the dick doc quick.

Pick posted:

When I was little, I was banned from using the scissors in our house. This was because my parents were cheap, so we only had one pair of scissors, and I misplaced them twice in a row. I was forbidden from using the scissors for several years in a row. My father, however, insists on name-brand Cheerios (or he did at the time, he has since stopped eating breakfast). During the time that Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame was in theaters, Cheerios contained toys from that film. The box my father bought contained Quasimodo. I got the toy out of the box, since no one else wanted it. My mother saw that I had that toy, and said I was allowed to use the scissors again, if she could watch me cut the Quasimodo toy into pieces in the backyard. I did this. The plastic was green inside, like his shirt. I asked why this was what I had to do to get scissor privileges back. She said, "Because the film says it's okay to be ugly. I want you to cut him apart." I did this and I cut him into pieces and threw them into the pool in front of my mother. She was satisfied by this and I got to use the scissors again and never misplaced them. I still feel guilty about this. It makes me sick. I don't know how to make it better.

It was this one. It came with the Cheerios.

chernobyl kinsman posted:

its not funny but its a hell of a piece of writing

Solice Kirsk posted:

Pick about to go down another spiral of mental collapse?

Thirteen Orphans posted:

My old chaplain HATES when people say Aquinas was super heavy. He's convinced it's some kind of anti-Catholic rumor that stuck.

Mr Enderby posted:

Deep in the Protestant Headquarters, the Head Protestant sits on a plastic stool, wearing ugly polyester vestments. Cringing Lackey approaches.

Cringing Lackey: Your Reformedness, I have bad news. The Catholics are growing ever stronger. How will we ever convince people to stop doing good works, as is the cornerstone of our belief system.
Head Protestant: Don't worry, I have a plan that will strike a the heart of the Papists. I'll tell people that the famous Roman Catholic Thomas Aquinas, who as everyone knows we Protestants hate and fear for his orthodox theology, was all fat and gross.
CL: But Your Supreme Anti-Liturgicalness, it is well known that Aquinas was super buff and swole.
HP: It is true that he was super buff and swole, and also ripped, but we'll tell people he was a fat nerd. Because, and I really can't stress this enough, all Protestants hate Aquinas for some reason.
CL: Brilliant your Iconoclasticness. I'll put the plan into action right away.
HP: Good. Now leave me. I must put a condom on my penis before I have sex with my wife.

Snooze Cruise posted:

I don't see what is so hosed up about his dad not eating breakfast anymore.

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

I lived with a boyfriend in his parents house in Ohio. They were fairly wealthy and had a giant mansion-like house, and one room that was roped- off, that his crazy mother rarely let anyone allow to walk inside. She called it her princess room, and it was basically a shrine to Princess Diana. White carpet, fancy velvet couch, hundreds of Diana portraits in golden frames, dolls that looked like Diana (so many dolls), Diana memorabilia, magazine covers, books, etc etc. But best of all, a gigantic clear glass grand piano with a gigantic picture of Princess Diana's face on the top of it, with the word "FOREVER". I'll never forget that room, i'll never forget how horrible his mother was, and i'll never forget peeing in the middle of her perfectly white carpet in that creepy room before I moved away forever.

Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

Breetai posted:

Funny Forums Quotes: a spiral staircase lovingly crafted out of severed dicks