Kheldarn posted:

theflyingexecutive posted:

Where did you come from, where did you go?
Kill me while I'm sleepin, Sharp Hand Joe

learnincurve posted:

Disabled and very elderly people who refuse to go into a home get them for free in the UK. Person who buys my Nan's house is getting an awesome walk in bath/shower combo.

Slugworth posted:

That's cool, here the elderly and disabled are given a piece of paper that says 'Go gently caress yourself'.

Tiny Brontosaurus posted:

After a hard-fought battle in the senate, Democrats succeeded in getting it upgraded to large-print type.

docbeard posted:

Broken formula in Sheet 1 this morning, circular reference in cell. This office is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.

Avshalom posted:

It was a lovely Friday afternoon, and Mikey had just arrived home from a long day of high School. He was 18, a junior, and wasn't really much of a popular kid. In fact, he would sometimes get made fun of at school for pretty much anything. You'd be surprised to see what it takes to become popular. Of course, there is the "Classic Cool" starter kit I myself actually used when I entered Middle School and went to high school. This kit consisted of: A plain black or blue Jansport Backpack, a single pen/pencil, 1 small 1/4th in. 3-ring binder, notebook paper, and 1 eraser. Of course, if you didn't have any of these things, you could always resort to the 1 item that levels the playing field for all the students, no matter how popular or unpopular you are; you have this, and you'll make at least 1 friend... Gum. It's a no-brainer; kids don't even like gum that much. It's the psychological illusion of breaking a well-known rule that makes chewing gum specifically at school or in class so appealing. Unfortunately for Mikey, he didn't do any of those things. He just minded his own business and did his work. He stayed away from large groups and stayed close to his own tight group of about 3 or 4 friends. Now, because today was Friday, it meant that there was a very high chance that Mom and Dad would be going out on their date tonight. They try to do it at least twice a month on Fridays, so that they can relax. They don't take Mikey with them, so it's only natural for him to assume that he was the one they needed a break from. Since the bus ran a bit late today, his mom and dad are already home. Dad is googling some places they can go tonight while mom picks out what they are both going to wear.

Dad: "Hey champ. How was school?"

Mikey: "It was alright. Tiring though..." He says as he slumps down on the kitchen chair next to his father. Mikey is very shy when it comes to talking with other people, but he is very out-spoken and vocal when it comes to his own parents. Being an only child, Mikey had all the attention to himself, even if he didn't like the attention all the time, he at least appreciated the effort that his parents made for him.

Mom: "Honey?" Mikey's mother calls from upstairs.

Dad: "What is it, sweetie?"

Mom: "You'll never guess who I just got off the phone with..."

Dad: "Was it your mother? Cause if it was your mother, Idon'tcare!"

The two men of the house silently snicker at dad's remark, and the woman snaps back.

Mom: "No, you snail! It was Carol. You know, the babysitter?"

Dad: "Uhh, is she on her way right now? We're not leaving for another 3 hours."

Mom: "She's not on her way; she just called me to cancel!"

Dad: "What?! Really?! Bu-Du-I-I-I just booked us a reservation at the Marionette! I had to pay in advance!"

Mom: "Well, then we either have to find another babysitter, or we'll just have to cancel."

Mikey: "Why can't I just come with you guys?"

Dad: "Noooo way big guy. Last time you went out with us, I gave your mother a peck on the cheek and you nearly flipped out."

Mikey: "Well-I-I mean, yeah..."

Mom: "Oh, you know who we could ask? That uh, what's her name, the neighbor's daughter. I forget her name..."

His heart pounding harder and faster, the name comes to mind...

Mikey: "...Melissa Parker."

Dad: "You know her?"

Mikey: "Well, I know she lives next door."

Mom: "Oh well, there you go, baby! Why don't you go over right now and ask to see if she'll babysit you?"

Mikey: "MOM! Are you crazy?!"

Mom: "Well, I DID marry your father..."

Dad: "It's true."

Mikey: "I can't just go over to her and ask her to babysit me; we go to the same school together! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it'll be if she see's me at school after BABYSITTING me? What if she tells the whole school? I'm already a nobody!"

Dad: "Wait, if you're already a nobody, what's the big deal then?"

Mikey: "DAD! NOT HELPING!" Mikey shouts as he widens his eyes and furrows his brows to give a look of confusion.

Mom: "Well, somebody's going to have to ask. Your father already paid for the reservation, so either you or your father are going to have to ask."

Mikey and his dad both turn to look at each other.

Dad: "So, how do you want to do this? Rock, Paper Scissors? Or do yo-"

Mikey: "NOT IT!"

Dad: "What? UH-D-UH NOT I- drat it!"

Mikey reaches over and takes his dad's soda and guzzles it down while the dad sluggishly gets up from his wooden chair to go ask the neighbors.


==== 1 HOUR LATER ====

Mikey heads up the stairs and goes to his room. As he walks down the hall, he see's his mother ironing her dress and dad's slacks. He walks in to give her a kiss on the cheek and returns back to the hall to enter his room. Once inside, he tosses his backpack onto the bed and kicks his shoes off. He powers on the computer he has on his desk and types in his password. He removes his blue zip-up jacket and tosses it into his closet while his computer loads. After organizing some of the clothes on the bed, he turns his attention to his computer monitor. Everything has loaded up nicely and is ready to be operated. He opens up a "Dummy Tab", and then opens up an "Secretive Tab". A secretive tab is a special feature one a certain browser that allows you to browse the internet without remembering anything you go on. It's the solution for not remembering to delete your history. A dummy tab is what he opens up and keeps in reserve for when his parents walk in on him looking at something they would disapprove of. The dummy tab usually has a video from Youtube on it, or a page on cooking; anything. If he's on the secretive tab looking at something he would get in trouble for, he can just quickly switch over to the dummy tab, and it will look like he's been reading about the latest box office hits, instead of what he's really after...

Fart videos and stories.

He's always been interested in them, to the point where he finds them really attractive. He's still doesn't know why, but, he just really likes it. He's not even sure in what way he like it. He loves reading stories about guys posting their real life experiences on past or current girlfriends who aren't embarrassed by farting. He's never had a girlfriend, but he's always hoping that one day, he would find a girl to fart for him, just to see how it feels, sounds and smells up-close. After browsing for a few short minutes, the door suddenly opens, and he slightly flinches and opens the "Dummy Tab". He spins around and finds his father standing outside the door with only his face peeking in through a small crack.

Dad: "Hey, so uhhhh... That girl you like is gonna babysit you tonight, ok? Take a shower or else you're going to drive her away!" And with that, he quickly leaves.

Mikey: "I-I don't smell!" ...... "Do I?"


==== 2 HOURS LATER ====

After showering and cleaning his room up, Mikey begins to sweat up a storm when he sees Melissa Parker exit her house and walk towards his front door. This beautiful 18 year old has always caught his eye like she was bait, and he was the dumbest most oblivious trout in the world. Her long blonde flowing hair sways in the wind and bounces with each authoritative step she takes. She radiates beauty, and control. A very deadly combination. Mikey gulps hard when he notices what she's wearing. A bright yellow T-shirt with baby blue pants and gray canvas shoes. She's almost here! Mikey sprints over to the living room, past his parents who are grabbing their things now. His mother is applying make-up on, looking in the mirror they have near the entrance of the house, and his father is going around making sure the other doors like the back door and garage door are locked properly.

*DING DONG DING DONNNNNNGGGG DONG DING DING DOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG*

God that doorbell has always annoyed Mikey. He tries to sit in a "cool" position, but he doesn't know one. Clasping onto the remote control to the television, he turns on the TV and flips through some of the channels. His mom opens the door.

Mom: "Hello Melissa! How are you?"

Melissa: "Hello Mr. and Mrs.- Ohhgn.. I uhm... told you over the phone, but I think I'll be ok."

Dad: "I still don't think we should have you wash the dishes for extra money... I mean, a stomach ache should be, what? How do you treat a stomach ache?"

Melissa: "Aauuhggg..."

Mom: "Oh, stop teasing her!" She says slapping her husband with her purse.

Mom: "Now, we'll be gone for about 2-3 hours, depending on the traffic and whatnot. Feel free to help yourself to what's in the kitchen, and if you get sick, do not hesitate to call us; we will come right back home!"

Melissa: "No no, it's alright. I need the money anyways."

Dad: "Smart girl. Always try to keep that income coming in, ok? That's how I married- OUCH!"

Mom: "Quiet, you!" *Wink* "Anyways, like we said before, you do not have to do the dishes if you do not want to, alright?"

Melissa: "I won't let you down you two... Have a great night out!"

Mikey: "Bye mom, Bye dad!"

Mom: "Bye honey!"

Dad: "Take care champ!"

And with that, Melissa softly closes the door, and walks over to Mikey, clutching her stomach. Melissa is one of the most popular girls at school, she's also one of the prettiest. Mikey can't help but fake looking at the door or window just to get a glimpse of her face which, for some reason, is a bit contorted.

Melissa: "Well? Are you going to watch anything? There's no sound." She asks with a hint of scorn in her tone.

Mikey: "H-Huh? Oh, S-Sorry..."

Melissa: "Give me the remote."

Mikey: "Uhm. O-Okay."

Melissa: "And stop looking at me so much. It's creepy"

Blushing heavily, Mikey hands her the remote, which she grabs, but doesn't let go of yet-


* BRRRRTRTRTRTRTRTR *


A hefty ripper bellows and cries underneath Melissa, as it's forced into the cushions on the couch, forever staining them with the harsh stink of her smell. After she cuts her beefy smelling fart, she releases her grip on the remote. Her trick was to wait until the hot, steamy gas traveled up a bit near Mikey's arm, so when he took his arm back, he would unintentionally waft the putrid vapor over to himself. And he does, and he gags immediately from the raw stench.

Melissa: "Oooohhh, Whew. You gonna cry, nerd?"

Mikey: "N-no..."

Melissa: "No? Heh, we'll see about- BR-BR-RB-RB-RBAAAAAAAT - *sigh* that..."

From hefty, to sloppy; this fart sounded downright disgusting. It almost sounded like a person gargling melted Play-Doh. This one had a distinct smell of garlic and expired milk. Mikey tries his best to cover his fragile nose, but he keeps poking his nose out of the ineffective safety of underneath his shirt to get another whiff. Melissa catches this, and calls him out on it.

Melissa: "What are you doing? God, you're a creep. At least cover your nose, even I know they smell bad."

Rubbing her slightly bloated belly, she sighs heavily. Then, her insides growl tenaciously, almost intimidating to hear. She pats her stomach to calm the savage beast trapped within, and stands up.

Melissa: "I'm going to go do the dishes..."

She walks past him, and he times it just right to get a perfect inhale of the gas expelled from her behind. He coughs, but slightly suppresses it, so that Melissa doesn't hear him. He grabs the remote back from where she was sitting, and lowers the volume down a bit. A few seconds go by, and all he can hear is-

* PPRRAAAUUMMPPHH * Melissa: "Oh god... Phewy, that is bad... Like, really bad."

And then she turns the sink on. Mikey can hear the running water and the clinking clanking of porcelain dishes and glass and plastic cups. He stands up and goes over and hides behind the right side of the doorway leading into the kitchen. She washes the plates and cups vigorously, causing her booty to jiggle up and down, up and down, left and right, left and right, up and right, down and left- it puts Mikey in a trance, until-
She looks back without turning her body, only her head.

Melissa: "What are you doing back there? Are you watching me fart? Heh heh; you're so dirty..."

They both go silent for a few seconds until Melissa breaks the silence...

Melissa: "Well? Do you want to get closer?"

Mikey: "Uhm.. C-Can I?"

Melissa: "Just be careful back there. I said I was going to take care of you. If you pass out, I'm just going to tuck you in and say you fell asleep. Oooooh, I think I have a big one!"

Mikey takes 3 large steps towards her and begins to crouch to get a clear view of her booty. In fact, he gets so close, that all he can literally see is her booty; hiding behind her baby blue, and likely brown stained, jeans.


* PRAT-PRAT-PRATTTRRRBRRRRR *

Melissa: "Oh God! Uuuggh, that felt so good. Hurry up and sniff it; I don't want any of it getting up here."

Mikey: *COUGH COUGH* "T-They're really strong..."

* BBRRRRROOOOMPFFFF *

Melissa: "No talking! Only sniffing. I need you to get rid of thi- WOOOO! That is RANCID! Oh wow! You ok back there?"

Caught in a coughing and gagging fit, Mikey does his best to not vomit. It's hard to describe, but he still really enjoys the smell.


==== 3 HOURS LATER ===

* BBBAAAAMMMPH-Brrrrrrrrrr *

Melissa had just RIPPED rear end right into the middle of Mikey's BLT sandwich. It was a hot fart too, nearly toasting the delicate white bread and melting the cheese while dehydrating the tomatoes and adding a nasty beefy taste to the turkey.

Melissa: "Aaaahhh...~ That was definitely refreshing... Thirsty?"

Mikey: "Y-Yes please." Excited whet she's going to do next, he hands her a large green cup. Melissa fills it up halfway with some Sprite and waits for the bubbles to go down. She reaches into a drawer and pulls out a straw, turns around, and places the tiny, drat near microscopic when compared to her lovely butt, straw on her blaster cannon, puts the straw in his drink, and let's it rip like no one's business.

* ....BRBRBRBRBRUUUURRRRRRPPPPPRRRRTTRRRBTRRRAMPHHHHSHSH *

This fart lasted an amazing 13 seconds! It could have been due to the fact that she needed to push hard and wait for all the gas to travel down the tiny straw, into the cup, and then bubble it's way out of there. The fizzy drink slowly erupted like a child's volcano project in elementary school, gas bubbles gushing out of the rim of the cup and overflowing and slowly dripping down the length of the cup. It takes about 1 whole minute for her gas bubbles to truly dissipate.

Melissa: "There. NOW that drink's got- *SLAP* -gas!"

She brings the dominated beverage and the tormented straw up to her face, but immediately gags at her own raw stank.

Melissa: "WOOOO, Geez! It smells like... death! Heh..."

Not far from the truth, it smells like rotting eggs and decaying flesh that has been in the desert. Manning up, she puts the poor straw in her mouth, and takes a sip of her brew.

Melissa: "OH GOD! Eeewww, Here! You drink it! And you'd better finish it all because you're not going anywhere until you do...~"

The power of her fart did many things to poor drink. For starters, she blasted it's innocence away. The amount of pressure, force and gas completely depleted the soda pop of any artificial gas, now replaced with natural gas. Its taste went from "Tasty Lemon-Lime" to "Nasty Sewer Water". There was something else that made it even worse... The heat. Part of the bubbles were from the gas that was forced into the straw, but not all of them... Some of them were heat bubbles; the incredible temperature of her gas had brought the poor element to a BOIL, converting a small amount of the drink from liquid, to noxious gas in a matter of seconds. Mikey tries to act tough in front of Melissa and takes a big gulp immediately... BIG MISTAKE. The drink burns his throat and tongue, and the gruesome, revolting taste and vile, horrific stench forces him to projectile vomit nearly half a quart into the kitchen sink.

A few minutes go by, and Mikey is recovering on the couch with a blanket sitting next to Melissa, who has restrained herself from farting for Mikey's own good. She told him to not talk to him for the remainder of the night, and at school Monday, and she will talk to him after school on Tuesday. He, of course, agree-


* DING DONG DING DOOOOOONNNNNG *

Melissa: "Uh oh. You know what I have to do now, right?"

Mikey: "W-Wait, I can just go up myse-"

Melissa stands up and shoves her large rear end right on Mikey's face. Her anus is both on his mouth and near his nostrils. Then, with 1 final push- NO; a gruesome shove, Melissa unleashes an unholy demon right into Mikey's body.

Melissa: "Sorry Mikey, but it has to go inside of you so that they don't hear what's going on, and so that there is no smell...~ Goodnight!"


* PPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMPH *

She had just released nearly 2 and a half liters of lethal and deadly gas down Mikey's lungs in the span of 4 seconds or so. He knocks out... for 21 hours. It should be noted that he was fine, but he nearly suffered from a collapsed lung after Melissa had had her fun with him......

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Twitch posted:

15 years ago she would have been a mod for that kind of posting.

Paladinus posted:

70 years ago she would have been in a concentration camp.

(which is bad)

Pick posted:

She's Australian, not Austrian.

Machai posted:

ok, prison camp then

Machai posted:

I skipped to the end after the first paragraph. Is it some fart fetish thing?

thatbastardken posted:

Perhaps don't joke about putting known jew and good poster Avshalom in a concentration camp.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Bad posters also don't deserve to be in Holocaust centers.

Last Chance posted:

mobby_6kl posted:

Last chance, guys!

Those aren't pics of me

Solice Kirsk posted:

That would probably be like getting your dog drunk for them though. Two animals sitting around hosed up and chilling, but unable to really communicate.

Your Gay Uncle posted:

SuperMechagodzilla posted:

There are no questions left unanswered in Prometheus. The trouble is that people don't like the answers.

One dude acts like Steve Irwin, so people get confused and ask "how is this possible?" And answer is simply that the character acts like Steve Irwin because he is like Steve Irwin.

Instead of being happy because they have an answer, though, the immediate response is "I don't want him to be like Steve Irwin!" So it was, all along, a fake question - a complaint disguised as a question.

InequalityGodzilla posted:

Is that supposed to be a bad thing? If my dog didn't have enough vet bills from her rear end problems to begin with I'd totally try and get her drunk to see what she's like.

InequalityGodzilla posted:

Is that supposed to be a bad thing? If my dog didn't have enough vet bills from her rear end problems to begin with I'd totally try and get her drunk to see what she's like.

InequalityGodzilla posted:

I like avshalom, she's consistently been very entertaining, but goddamn she needs to stick to short, punchy, surreal posts. I don't have the patience to read 1000 word essays just to get to a lackluster punchline.

The MSJ posted:

It's funny because it's true.

Syd Midnight posted:

You don't look at Guernica and say "I love Picasso but he needs to stick to single subjects, like the melty clock."

Jedit posted:

Well, no, because the painting with the melting clocks was by Salvador Dali.

Your Gay Uncle posted:

The MSJ posted:

It's funny because it's true.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

in iceland they actually call it a clit mouse

Sweevo posted:

they also call a computer a "number witch"

prefect posted:

are they accepting immigrants?

Jerry Cotton posted:

Since when are old people wise anyway?

goatsestretchgoals posted:

used to be that people who lived a long time were probably cool and good

fast forward and now theres insulin

Scudworth posted:

if you insist on saying "cuck" at all it signals that you're a shithead

syscall girl posted:

what if you're literally a bird?

Metal Geir Skogul posted:

That's Cluck

thecluckmeme posted:

Yes?

ACES CURE PLANES posted:

Nooooooooope.

Pastry of the Year posted:

Tartarus

Machai posted:

Tartarus is a pit not a volcano.

Solice Kirsk posted:

We need not look further than our very forums to find the food equivalent of an endless abyss of despair:

Chichevache posted:

That's only medium.

swamp waste posted:

Scribblehatch is interesting to me there because you can see him getting really good, probably the best technical artist of all the thread regulars, but he also thinks he's running intellectual circles around the FEMINISTS when actually he's doing sexually frustrated nerdy guy stuff so textbook that they ought to warn you about it on the health advisory screen when you start your playstation