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G. Gordon Liddy and Herb are your first indicators that Vince McMahon is eternally a mark for any kind of rub from anyone with anything remotely resembling mainstream press. Thankfully, Wrestlemania would get a bit better about using celebrities.....until the mid-2000s when it would then get worse. Much worse. Wasn't the New York portion of the show the one where the crowd got extremely pissed and demanded refunds? I would too, if I paid a full price ticket to see these 4 garbage matches and then had to sit on my hands & watch everything else on a monitor. Shiki Dan fucked around with this message at 00:30 on Aug 1, 2017 |
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Aug 1, 2017 00:16
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Jake the Snake in his prime was fun. He was a "serious" lone wolf villain when everyone else acted like they were cartoons on coccaine.
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Aug 1, 2017 12:13
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Shiki Dan posted:G. Gordon Liddy and Herb are your first indicators that Vince McMahon is eternally a mark for any kind of rub from anyone with anything remotely resembling mainstream press.
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Aug 1, 2017 14:36
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sean10mm posted:Jake the Snake in his prime was fun. He was a "serious" lone wolf villain when everyone else acted like they were cartoons on coccaine. So, they were just being real, while Jake was the only one pretending he -wasn't-? What a world, what a world!
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Aug 1, 2017 18:56
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Platypus Farm posted:So, they were just being real, while Jake was the only one pretending he -wasn't-? What a world, what a world! Pretty funny huh?
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Aug 1, 2017 20:01
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sean10mm posted:Pretty funny huh? My favorite thing about Jake--well one of my many favorite things about him--was how he was constantly the wettest person. I know he spritzed and studio lights are hot as gently caress, but homeboy was on so much speed and coke that he was constantly just pouring sweat from his entire body. It's hilarious to watch him give a promo where there's sweat constantly dripping off his mustache, off his delicious mullet, and every time he shakes his head there's like a curtain flying off him. Also its really loving funny on superstars and challenge when Lord Alfred interviewed him because Jake is like intensity personified and Lord Alfred would just stand there smiling stupidly and knowing that he had the biggest penis in the entire world.
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Aug 1, 2017 20:13
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Platypus Farm posted:Lord Alfred would just stand there smiling stupidly and knowing that he had the biggest penis in the entire world. Oh for gently caress sake.
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Aug 1, 2017 20:30
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Rarity posted:Oh for gently caress sake. Legend has it that when the east wind blows just so, Mary Poppins appears in the clouds and can fly around by way of her enchanted parasol. Legend also has it that Lord Alfred Hayes didn't need any of that poo poo, and would just swing his massive rhinoceros penis like a helicopter
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Aug 1, 2017 20:44
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Platypus Farm posted:Legend has it that when the east wind blows just so, Mary Poppins appears in the clouds and can fly around by way of her enchanted parasol. North Carolina C'Mon and Raise Up Take Your Dick Out Twist it Around Your Head Spin it Like a Helicopter
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Aug 1, 2017 21:54
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frankenfreak posted:Even knowing that, Liddy is such a baffling "celebrity" to invite. Liddy turned himself into a minor celebrity in the 80s and early 90s after Carter commuted his sentence.
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Aug 2, 2017 01:39
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C. Everett Koop posted:North Carolina Here you go Hot Rod Here's my dick in your hand mate?
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Aug 2, 2017 03:18
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Rarity posted:
Yeah like you wouldn't pop for a giant golden glove too. Geez.
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Aug 2, 2017 04:25
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And so ends the New York portion of this evening's festivities. Off now to Chicago where Mean Gene has been joined by Gorilla Monsoon. Gino hypes up the upcoming main event, as opposed to the main event we just saw, and then introduces his partner on co-commentary, famous actress Cathy Lee Crosby. With excitement Cathy says that she's never been to a wrestling match before. This does not bode well for her commentary. Women's Title Match Velvet McIntyre vs. The Fabulous Moolah So the Chicago portion of the match begins and I must say, it's nice that we have at least left the blatant sexism of the Wrestling Classic behind. Good to know that that's never coming back! Both of these women look like they're in their 50s and wrestle like they're in their 80s. Cathy says that she's never seen anything like this before in her life, a fact for which she should be eternally grateful. Velvet is wrestling in bare feet which is always a weird look to me. She goes for a splash off the second rope but Moolah rolls out of the way and that's enough for the pin. I know WWE got a lot of poo poo for their piss break Diva matches a few years ago but this was even worse. It didn't even run for 90 seconds and yes, I did time it. The crowd is super mad at Moolah cause Velvet had her feet under the ropes but you could be forgiven for not noticing because nobody ever mentions it. Flag Match Nikolai Volkoff w/ Classy Freddie Blassie vs. Corporal Kirchner Now when I saw Kirchner at the Wrestling Classic I assumed the guy was just a one off gimmick jobber but no! Here he is in what sorta seems like a high profile match. I don't know, maybe I'm overestimating how much of a big deal Volkoff was at the time but I imagine the guy with the evil Soviet gimmick woulda been a pretty big deal.  Look at my crazy passport! So Volkoff starts doing his anthem shtick but he's interrupted by Kirchner's music and holy hell, Kirchner is so over with the crowd. By which I mean America is so over with the crowd. The match is a short one with simple action that quickly comes to an end when the ref goes down and Blassie throws his cane into the ring. Except Kirchner catches it and takes out Volkoff for the win! It's a victory that proves it's ok for America to cheat as long as the other guy did it first. Hurray, patriotism! And so after two undercard matches than ran for 3.5 minutes total we come to our Chicago main event. Boy, did these fans get screwed. But before we can jump into the action we've got another cavalcade of celebrities to get through. I'm not going to even bother naming these any more unless someone genuinely famous shows up.  I have this picture of an old lady included in my screencaps and for life of me, I can't remember why. 20-Man Battle Royale Featuring Bruno Sammartino, Big John Studd, The Iron Shiek, Tony Atlas, Hillbilly Jim, A Dude in a Hawaiian Shirt, A Tag Team Who's Gimmick Is Bees, BRET loving HART, His Buddy the Anvil, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, A Bunch of Jobbers I'm Not Going To Bother With and Andre the Giant quote:INTRODUCING... There's no way I'm going to go over most of the action from this. There is a ridiculous amount of meat in the ring and I really hope they've reinforced that thing because as Gino says there's 5612lbs of human in there. It turns out Cathy is a better commentator than Susan to the extent that she actually manages to put over how impressive these wrestlers are. A whole bunch of worthless jobbers get thrown out of the ring and then Shiek goes on a tear, tossing out three guys in a matter of seconds. This momentum fizzles out when Sammartino dumps him over.  That's a whole lotta men in there This leaves us with seven: Studd, the Refrigerator, Sammartino, another NFL dude, the Hart Foundation and Andre. The other NFL dude goes after Andre which... just no. Not a chance. Studd gets Sammartino out while the Refrigerator almost knocks out the Harts with a flying tackle. He tries the same on Studd but Studd fakes him out and pushes him out. Of course, being a local hero the Refrigerator beckons Studd over for a handshake and then just pulls Studd out of the match. Truly the noble actions of a good man! The Harts dump out the last football guy meaning that it's now just them and Andre. Now considering I wasn't even expecting to see Bret and I spent the whole match rooting for him seeing it come down to this final three is exciting times. The Harts start double teaming Andre but the two men look like tiny ants compared to Andre and he shrugs them off. Andre hits Niedhart with a big boot and Niedhart sells it by jumping halfway across the ring and over the top rope. It's hilarious. Bret jumps up to the top rope but Andre grabs him and throws him out on top of Niedhart. Andre remains undefeated in Battle Royals because who the hell is going to lift him over the top rope? It might have just been my hype for surprise Bret but I ended up being quite into this. The wrestling might be over in New York but Vince and Susan are still kicking back in the arena and they've got Piper hanging out with them. Piper is very upset about Mr. T's cheating by refusing to shave his face, saying that his promise to retire from wrestling, competitive tiddlywinks and life itself is null and void. Susan calls that a whole load of “blarney”. Hee! Piper also claims that dropping Mr. T on his head doesn't do a whole lot of damage. More hee!
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Aug 2, 2017 22:46
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Wrestlecrap said that Velvet's strap broke so they had to end the match early to avoid embarrassment. I mean apart from the embarrassment of being in that match to start with. Not sure how true that is but it makes sense.
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Aug 2, 2017 23:22
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Fun Fact 1: The WM2 battle royal was the first ever battle royal I saw, and thought it was the greatest thing ever. Fun Fact 2: For years I remembered the final three being Andre, The Anvil, and some guy. Imagine my surprise when I was reminded who the third guy was.
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Aug 3, 2017 00:17
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Rarity posted:
If I remember right that's the "Where's the beef?" lady, which was a famous advertisement, and she was there before the Battle Royal so they could have her finally get her answer  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug75diEyiA0
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Aug 3, 2017 00:50
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Jerusalem posted:If I remember right that's the "Where's the beef?" lady, which was a famous advertisement, and she was there before the Battle Royal so they could have her finally get her answer If the answer was anything other than Brutus Beefcake then that was a waste of an appearance.
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Aug 3, 2017 00:53
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RZApublican posted:If the answer was anything other than Brutus Beefcake then that was a waste of an appearance. Don't worry, he's coming up in a real barn burner of a match soon.
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Aug 3, 2017 02:47
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Platypus Farm posted:Don't worry, he's coming up in a real barn burner of a match soon. I don't think Rarity has committed to watching his magnum opus, a Starrcade main event with Hulk Hogan
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Aug 3, 2017 03:22
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Jason Sextro posted:I don't think Rarity has committed to watching his magnum opus, a Starrcade main event with Hulk Hogan We could probably convince her to watch it if lord alfred hayes was ever in WCW 
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Aug 3, 2017 04:29
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Platypus Farm posted:We could probably convince her to watch it if lord alfred hayes was ever in WCW Not even Lord Bigdick himself could get me to watch a WCW PPV
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Aug 3, 2017 07:01
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Fun fact: The WM2 Battle Royal features 5 (W)WWF World Champions, which isn't a bad ratio especially considering the amount of NFL Players, and freaking TED ARCIDI.
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Aug 3, 2017 07:14
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I've seen pictures of Moolah when she was younger and I'm pretty sure she's always looked like she was 56 years old.
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Aug 3, 2017 10:06
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Platypus Farm posted:Don't worry, he's coming up in a real barn burner of a match soon. On the upside lots of Bret Hart in future Wrestlemanias! And not ALL bad gimmick matches either!
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Aug 3, 2017 12:48
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Rarity posted:Not even Lord Bigdick himself could get me to watch a WCW PPV What about Bash at the Beach 2000?
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Aug 3, 2017 14:05
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Time to dash back to Chicago once more (keep up, now) where Mean Gene is interviewing some of the losers from the Battle Royal. Shiek shows up and just spouts a whole lot of gibberish. And even though we just had the main event in Chicago we're going to have another one! Shiek and Mean Gene then compete in a finger raising competition Tag Team Title Match The British Bulldogs w/ Captain Lou Albano vs. Greg Hammer and Brutus Beefcake w/ Luscious Johnny Valiant Ok, this is cool. I really liked what I saw of the Bulldogs at the Wrestling Classic and now here they are challenging for the belts. I'm already invested in this one. Johnny's made an effort for this year's Wrestlemania with a very shiny red suit jacket. That thing is so bright you could use it to land airplanes. Meanwhile the Bulldogs come out to Rule Brittania and for some reason Ozzy Osbourne is just chilling out with them. He's not even going to have some kind of relevance to the match, it's like he just bought a ticket to the show and then figured it would be fun to party backstage. Albano Update: still gross. The match kicks into gear and I'm well into it. Davey impresses by lifting Brutus up into a press slam followed by a lovely fisherman suplex. Brutus is a big guy and Davey is just flinging him around with ease. Over on commentary Cathy namedrops Gorgeous George to earn some street cred. She's ended up being all right, all things considered. Certainly the best of the three celebrity commentators we'll meet tonight. Oh, and before I forget here's my next award: WORST HAIR  Such a beautiful wom... Oh. Oh no. Greg hits a HUGE piledriver which I can't believe isn't good for the win. This is proper good, so it is. Running powerslam from Davey but it doesn't do the job either. Brutus does this one move I've not ever seen which is like a hammerlock slam, it's brutal as hell. Gino says that Brutus “dropped him just like a bad habit.” From my knowledge Brutus wasn't very good at dropping bad habits, Gino. Greg gets in a shoulder breaker on Davey but chooses to break the pin at two. Davey pushes Greg into the Dynamite Kid and that'll do it! New champs! Best match I've seen so far, easy. The ringwork was quality, it went a decent length of time and there were important stakes. It's really good to see the Bulldogs get suitable recognition.  Lou Albano was very pleased with his new tag champions Mean Gene does a quick interview with Ozzy and Cathy after the match. Ozzy is chomping away on gum and gurning like a motherfucker. The man must have done so much cocaine, I don't even know. Mean Gene also tries to interview the Bulldogs but they are way too gassed. Fret not, friends. Our travels are nearly over as we settle down in Los Angeles for the final segment of tonight's events. Jesse welcomes us to the party where he is with – and it's about drat time – Lord Alfred Hayes! And a vampire. Wait, sorry. This lady is actually Elvira, the last and worst in our string of celebrity commentators who don't know poo poo. According to Wikipedia Elvira was a host for a horror anthology show so you'd think she would fit right in to the colourful cartoon world of wrestling but dear god, this woman is abysmal. She's got a beehive bigger than Amy Winehouse and is wearing a dress with a neckline that I swear goes all the way down to her clit. Anyway, Jesse says that they make a great pair (referring to himself and Alfred as the commentary team) and Elvira points straight at her tits. Jesus! Ricky Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez We kick off this run of matches with our good friend the Steamer as he goes up against a very generic fightman by the name of Hercules. And that name is the only interesting thing about this dude. Immediately there is one major problem with this match and that is that the arena is almost completely deserted. A quick google tells me that at the time this arena had a seating capacity of over 15000 people. As far as I can tell there's more like 150 here. Everything about this match is awkward as hell. Steamboat and Hercules don't have much in the way of chemistry so even the basics aren't going as they should be. On commentary Alfred mistakes a chop for a clothesline while Elvira spends the entire match silent because she clearly doesn't know what to say. And while the production values have been shoddy all night the camera work in this match especially is just atrocious. They constantly cut to closeups shot from ringside except every single time the ref is standing right in the way of the action. gently caress if I know what's going on. And now it's time for a new feature of these reviews which I like to call: HOMOEROTIC MOMENT OF THE NIGHT Jesse Ventura: “He's got him down on the mat, he's got to get nasty with him here”  Steamboat also takes a short power nap on the turnbuckle Just as things look like they're about to pick up Steamboat gets a Flying Crossbody and the match is over. Another underwhelming match from Steamboat but I don't really feel like this was his fault. Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Uncle Elmer Speaking of poor production values, it looks like all the cameras break for a short while because we end up stuck on a very long poo poo of the ring as we lead into the next match. Things do sort themselves out and- Oh loving hell. What the gently caress is that?  Seriously. Ok, who the hell did Adonis piss off to get lumped with this gimmick? So we've got Adonis prancing around in a pink floral dress and then Uncle Elmer walks out. He's a big fat hayseed gently caress of a man and he comes out to an incredibly annoying three second loop of banjo music and when he gets to the ring THE MUSIC DOESN'T STOP. Jimmy attacks Elmer with a perfume spritzer so Elmer chases him all around the ring and all the while the loving banjo music is still going. I feel like I'm watching Benny Hill, jesus. At last the match proper begins and someone in the back finally manages to find the stop button on the cassette deck because the banjo music disappears. Elmer punches Adonis so hard he falls on his own butt. The amount of overselling from Adonis is hysterical. Every time he gets hit he launches himself to the other side of the ring. Adonis tries to escape but Elmer grabs him and then THE DRESS COMES OFF! This match is so so horrible but I'm laughing my rear end off all the same. Adonis comes off the top rope with a half-splash, half-elbow drop and... wins? The guy with the jobber entrance wins? I'm so confused, everything I knew about wrestling is in doubt. Up is down, cats are dogs, X-Pac is over. Alfred is with Hogan for his second promo of the evening, which I think is a bit much. Hogan tells Alfred that he knows “something awful”. We're famous, guys!
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Aug 4, 2017 14:31
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He pissed vince off by gaining a fuckload of weight, so vince made him dress up like a woman. Also, Adrian was a pretty big star in the 70s and 80s frequently tagging with Jesse "I am Gay, Racist and Macho" Ventura. And uncle elmer was frequently a guy who just sat on the apron whenever hillbilly jim or another of the hick wrestlers would wrestle, and elmer would just sit there and eat chicken. Really. Also, Hercules Hernandez is really good for a giant muscle. He doesn't show it so much in that match, but he's actually really solid in the ring.
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Aug 4, 2017 15:02
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I WILL BROOK NO INSULT OF GREG VALENTINE'S HAIR 
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Aug 4, 2017 15:11
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DJExile posted:I WILL BROOK NO INSULT OF GREG VALENTINE'S HAIR It's especially funny because everyone in that match except Davey and Dynamite had feathered mullets
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Aug 4, 2017 15:33
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Rarity you forgot to mention if Sheiky Baby called him "Gene Mean" 80s Iron Sheik rules imo
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Aug 4, 2017 17:59
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Jason Sextro posted:Rarity you forgot to mention if Sheiky Baby called him "Gene Mean" Okay gene mean so many is in my army, jews, intelligent jewish peoples like you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KHsNztphWQ
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Aug 4, 2017 18:22
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Spoiler not spoiler: Steamboat gets a much better showcase in WM3.
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Aug 4, 2017 19:56
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Is Hercules Hernandez the guy who later (or even at this point?) carried that big set of chains around his neck? I always liked that guy as a kid because he was loving huge and he carried a big set of chains around his neck!
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Aug 5, 2017 02:12
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Jerusalem posted:Is Hercules Hernandez the guy who later (or even at this point?) carried that big set of chains around his neck? That's him! They had a thing where he was literally Hercules for a while and delivered some coked-out promos about Mount Olympus and poo poo WWF ruled in the 80s
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Aug 5, 2017 02:38
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Platypus Farm posted:And uncle elmer was frequently a guy who just sat on the apron whenever hillbilly jim or another of the hick wrestlers would wrestle, and elmer would just sit there and eat chicken. Really. that sounds like the best job of all time, I would happily take a WWE paycheck just to sit on the apron and eat chicken
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Aug 5, 2017 03:36
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Jason Sextro posted:That's him! They had a thing where he was literally Hercules for a while and delivered some coked-out promos about Mount Olympus and poo poo Then he teamed with Paul Roma to form Power and Glory! They were making Herc the #2 face for a while, at least in my heart anyway.
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Aug 5, 2017 03:39
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Nystral posted:Then he teamed with Paul Roma to form Power and Glory! Power and Glory had the best team finisher of the era, the best
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Aug 5, 2017 03:53
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LORD OF BOOTY posted:that sounds like the best job of all time, I would happily take a WWE paycheck just to sit on the apron and eat chicken Yeah, Elmer was awesome as poo poo. I don't remember where they're from, because I have this pile of terrible quality ancient VHS tapes of wrestling challenge and whatever other weekly junk I could tape back then. Elmer was a mainstay on garbage rear end jobber matches where he'd just sorta fall on a guy, win, and then eat something. Alternatively, for some reason my granny bought me a bunch of memphis wrestling tapes for christmas one year, and I remember him being prominently featured in a couple of really ridiculous angles that involved, as usual, eating something. Sometimes he'd eat over his opponent and dribble something. Sometimes he'd be having a drink and it'd get all over his overalls. Really Elmer is just a treasure. Also seconding Power & Glory being loving awesome, and Herc's fantastic olympus promos. He'd also go on tears about "MY NEXT OPPONENT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO STEALING FIRE, THE HYDRA, OR CLEANING OUT THE AGAGA STABLES OR <other wonderfully mispronounced or misunderstood greek myth> I WILL CRUSH HIM WITH THE CHAINS OF OLYMPUS AND HOLD UP THE PILLARS OF HERCULES AND" he'd frequently then trail off or be cut off by someone as he just wandered away. Actually come to think of it, that's probably where the ultimate warrior stole his shtick
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Aug 5, 2017 04:45
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Ozzy is British, which is why he's ringside for the Bulldogs match.
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Aug 5, 2017 15:09
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Davros1 posted:Ozzy is British, which is why he's ringside for the Bulldogs match. I'm British too, doesnt mean I get to chill at ringside with Jack Gallagher
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Aug 5, 2017 17:40
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