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Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!

C. Everett Koop posted:

Given the state of Andre's body at this time it's more likely that he was fifteen sheets to the wind, but I wouldn't put it past him to get crunk as well.

Yeah, I was about to say. Poor andre probably had about eight bottles of wine before he sauntered out to the ring for that segment.

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C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

Platypus Farm posted:

Yeah, I was about to say. Poor andre probably had about eight bottles of wine before he sauntered out to the ring for that segment.

On top of whatever else he had that day.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Rarity posted:

dad ..... who's busy putting his son in the torture rack.

Oh cool, I didn't know Stu Hart was at this show.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Enough of silly things like that though, it's time to get to the reason we're all here. That's right, it's happening!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akin-6GjECQ

The Royal Rumble

Here we are, it's time for the first ever Royal Rumble. As this is a trial run it looks like the WWF are still working out the kinks so we've got twenty men rather than thirty and contestants are eliminated just for going over the top rope because “it doesn't matter where your feet hit”. Somewhere in Jamiaca a young Kofi Kingston does a little cry. Now I figured it would be fun to make this a little bit interesting so in PSP tradition I used a random number generator to pick a numbered entrant for me to support. The number that came up was #14, who could it possibly be?

Before that question can be answered we've got #1-13 to get through so settle in for the long haul. We're going to kick things off with #1 Bret Hart and #2 Tito Santana in the ring. Solid opening combination, I must say. As the action begins Vince and Jesse go right back to arguing about Hulk and Andre. Come on guys, it's the Royal loving Rumble! It's the whole point of this show! Maybe pretend like you give a poo poo. We also get another award as things start off.

SIGN OF THE NIGHT


In France they call it a Quarter Rumble with Cheese

Bret hits a beauty of a second-rope elbow drop then Tito connects with the Flying Forearm just as we get #3 Butch Reed. Butch rescues Bret and the two men start double teaming Tito. And our next entrant is going to be... #4 Jim Niedhart! Aw snap! That's a nice way of building up the intrigue early. Tito gets triple teamed by the heels but they can't get him out and then out comes #5 Jake “The Snake” Roberts to a massive pop.

Jake comes in and tosses Butch out without a second glance. Haha, get hosed Butch, you're the worst. Jake goes for the DDT on Bret but Anvil saves it with a clothesline. Bret hits a piledriver on Tito and I must say Bret's piledrivers always look amazing. #6 Harley Race is closely followed by #7 Jumping Jim Brunzell who delivers a head clash to the Harts. There's a nice moment where everyone is all pushing each other over the ropes together in a huge schmozz but it ends up with no one going out.


All the cuddle action you could ever hope for

#8 Sam Houston is next out and this is where the tedium of the match starts to take its toll. The ring is beginning to fill up so there's not enough space to do anything besides cuddle at the ropes and no one with inclination to do anything besides cuddle at the ropes apart from the Harts, who manage to eliminate Tito and share a little hug. D'aww. #9 Danny Davis appears and goes right for Houston because the two of them are feuding. Race takes a royal tumble back and almost rips the top rope off while saving himself. Good thing he didn't, that woulda made the match a bit awkward.

Over on commentary Vince says that he'd like to Jesse running down to that ring. I beg to differ, Vince. It sure is a good thing that they've never wasted a rumble spot on a commentator! Meanwhile Jake goes for the DDT on Danny but he slips away from it and #10 Boris Zhukov enters the ring. Jesse puts forward the idea that he's the #20 man and might run down to the ring to win it. Vince says that he wouldn't like to see that. God man, make up your mind!

##11 Don Muraco comes out next and for some reason Nikolai Volkoff is right behind him. Volkoff tries to get in the ring so Muraco punches him and jumps inside. Brunzell and Jake throw Zhukov out as Volkoff argues with the referee's at ringside. Then it's time for #12 and #12 Nikolai Volkoff is let into the ring. What the gently caress was all that about? It didn't make any sense so I'm pretty convinced that was just Volkoff shoot not understanding how numbers work.

Race is eliminated by Muraco and he tries to get back in the ring but the refs keep shoving him away. He plods off to the back and as he does so he passes #13 Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Now if you cast your mind back to Survivor Series '87 you'll remember that these two don't like each other so Race gives Hacksaw a shot on his way. It's my guy next! Who could it be? I'm excited! I'm hype! Oh boy, it's...

...#14 Ron Bass. Bugger. Oh well, looks like tonight I'm all about that Bass.


I was so close to winning this one :(

You might have noticed that as the match progresses I'm describing less and less of the action. That's because there's less and less action to describe. Volkoff tosses out Brunzell just in time for him to be replaced by #15 B. Brian Blair. We're reaching the point where the match is operating a one in, one out policy as #16 Hillbilly Jim is out next and immediately drops Anvil to the outside.

For a second I think that Bass has taken out Blair and get a bit excited but it turns out I was wrong so everything still sucks. #17 Dino Bravo has recovered from his earlier record attempt and still has time to take part in the Rumble. Then this time Bass does for sure do a good thing as he knocks out Houston. I'm so thrilled I'm not even saddened by the cowboy-on-cowboy violence. Then it's time for our next entrant.


RAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!

#18 The Ultimate Warrior is next and as he reaches the ring Muraco takes out Bret. There's no real fanfare for his long stint in the match. In fact, all throughout this it's clear that there's been minimal thought in the booking. There's no real intention here to make people look strong or give them the rub. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse #19 One Man Gang is our penultimate entrant and he throws out Blair and Jake straight out of the gates.

Another example of how little thought has been given to booking is evident now. This match doesn't just fail to push Warrior, it also exposes him. We've gone from Warrior wrecking the Honky Tonk Man in a matter of seconds to him entering the Rumble to give people vicious hugs. This makes him look like any other guy when he should be being sold as a Goldberg or a Lesnar. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't get what Warrior is supposed to be but if you've got a monster face book them like a monster face or it cuts their appeal way too much.

Our field is rounded off by #20 Junkyard Dog and that leaves us with ten men in the ring. That's literally half the competitors. In a fine victory for America Hacksaw tosses Volkoff to the outside. Congratulations, communism is dead! Meanwhile, the Gang gets rid of Jim and then Hacksaw follows up on his success with a clothesline that knocks Danny out of the match.


I bet you forgot he was even in the match, didn't you?

Oh look, Bass is still in it! My guy's going all the way, baby! Dino and the Gang team up to take out Warrior with zero fanfare. Ugh. I don't know, perhaps they'd not yet decided that Warrior was going to be a big deal. I hope that's the answer cause this really killed the buzz I had for him coming out of that IC title win. I realise that's my fault for watching it rear end-backwards but still. In other news Dino and the Gang is such a great name for a band.


MY BAND IS CALLED SEXUAL DROPLETS, WE A THREE-PIECE SKA-PUNK ACT!

Yes, thanks Mark.

Bass is on a roll! He throws JYD out as well and he has got this Rumble on lock! Yes, my man Ron Bass is bringing it ho... Muraco eliminates Bass. Oh. Maybe next year. That leaves us with a final four of Hacksaw, Muraco, Dino and the Gang. Hacksaw eats an avalanche from the Gang and the heels team up against Muraco. He puts up a valiant effort, evading them with rolls and finding the time to hit Frenchie with a dropkick but the numbers get too much and they dump him out. That's the Gang's fifth elimination. They finally decide to give someone a rub and it ends up being the worst person in the entire field.

Hacksaw runs into a double clothesline. Dino grabs him and the Gang runs forwards but Hacksaw dodges and the Gang knocks Dino out of the match. Guys, I'm not sure if I've made this clear yet but I really can't stand the Gang. Every time he appears on my screen a few more cells in my body shut down in protest. The Gang goes for a clothesline but Hacksaw ducks it, pulls the rope down and the Gang stumbles over the top rope. Hacksaw is your inaugural Royal Rumble winner.


Knowing Hacksaw I imagine he's just confused why all the other wrestlers disappeared

Now for regular readers you might think I would be mad about this result. After all, I've said a lot of crap about Hacksaw so far and that is crap that I will stand by. However, as for him winning this match I'm really not fussed. The reason for that is that it's clearly not going to be seen as a big deal that he won. In the two PPVs I've watched beyond this it hasn't been mentioned once that Hacksaw won the Rumble. There's no Wrestlemania main event waiting on his horizon. This barely even counts as a win. So yeah, might as well give it to Hacksaw. He was arguably the most over face in the match (other option: Jake) so this sends the crowd home happy and that's all this show was really meant to be about.

That said, the match itself was absolutely dire. What makes the Royal Rumble work isn't just the mystery of who's coming out next, it's about the little special moments where character, storyline and action all intersect. There was none of that here. And that's not meant to be me having a go at the WWF for dumb booking (besides Warrior). This was their first crack at a Rumble and it's obviously going to need a few iterations before they really nail down the concept. However, without those moments we're left with a match that was forty five minutes of hugging, cuddling and the occasional punch. It didn't work and with how bad it was I'm shocked that they even decided to re-up for a second one. It's just a good thing that they did.

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine
It isn't until 1989 that Bruce Pritchard and Pat Patterson get much better about the concept of laying out storylines for the entire Royal Rumble match (spoilers the 1989 version is much better).

For the run, you can absolutely tell that they're treating this like any other bog standard (pointless) battle royale match during the time with no plots, no big spots, and standard brawling.

The only early concepts you see that continue on are:
a) Really good worker that enter match early and lasts the longest to showcase his talent, unfortunately overlooked by the announcers here. It would be a while before the "longevity" record would become a thing.
b) Monster heel that gets to eliminate a bunch of people

Other than that, it's just basic storytelling with only minimal plot based on feuds (the Harts dump Tito to continue their feud with Strike Force--which didn't go anywhere after this-- and Race and Duggan).

Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



Warrior was just basically "Strong colorful guy" up until his IC win. He had a Hercules, but nothing else, and even that didn't last long.

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

Shiki Dan posted:

It isn't until 1989 that Bruce Pritchard and Pat Patterson get much better about the concept of laying out storylines for the entire Royal Rumble match (spoilers the 1989 version is much better).

For the run, you can absolutely tell that they're treating this like any other bog standard (pointless) battle royale match during the time with no plots, no big spots, and standard brawling.

The only early concepts you see that continue on are:
a) Really good worker that enter match early and lasts the longest to showcase his talent, unfortunately overlooked by the announcers here. It would be a while before the "longevity" record would become a thing.
b) Monster heel that gets to eliminate a bunch of people

Other than that, it's just basic storytelling with only minimal plot based on feuds (the Harts dump Tito to continue their feud with Strike Force--which didn't go anywhere after this-- and Race and Duggan).

Fun fact is that they tried the Rumble at various house shows with various tweaks and nothing really stuck until Vince and Patterson were talking with NBC Sports Producer Dick Ebersol about Saturday Night Main Event and Patterson tossed out the Rumble as an idea that didn't work. To his and Vince's surprise Ebersol loved the concept as it would work great for TV and gave them a few suggestions.

I know Patterson gets most of the credit for coming up with the idea and the eventual structure, but Dick Ebersol should get credit as well for saving the concept as well.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


C. Everett Koop posted:

Fun fact is that they tried the Rumble at various house shows with various tweaks and nothing really stuck until Vince and Patterson were talking with NBC Sports Producer Dick Ebersol about Saturday Night Main Event and Patterson tossed out the Rumble as an idea that didn't work. To his and Vince's surprise Ebersol loved the concept as it would work great for TV and gave them a few suggestions.

I know Patterson gets most of the credit for coming up with the idea and the eventual structure, but Dick Ebersol should get credit as well for saving the concept as well.

Yeah, the original original Royal Rumble was a total disaster. It was at a random house show and wasn't filmed, but here's what went down:

- It was repeatedly advertised that whoever won the Rumble would face Hulk Hogan for the title at the next house show in that building.

- During the show, Junkyard Dog and One Man Gang had an absolutely terrible match.

- At intermission, they tried to get people to buy tickets to the next show by announcing the main event: Hulk Hogan defending the WWF Championship against One Man Gang! They spoiled their own main event.

- The match itself had a mere ten entrants and they were all guys from earlier matches in the night.

- It ended with One Man Gang vs. Junkyard Dog again. One Man Gang won and the whole thing was like twelve minutes at most.

Tokyo Sexwale
Jul 30, 2003

Gavok posted:

Yeah, the original original Royal Rumble was a total disaster. It was at a random house show and wasn't filmed, but here's what went down:

- It was repeatedly advertised that whoever won the Rumble would face Hulk Hogan for the title at the next house show in that building.

- During the show, Junkyard Dog and One Man Gang had an absolutely terrible match.

- At intermission, they tried to get people to buy tickets to the next show by announcing the main event: Hulk Hogan defending the WWF Championship against One Man Gang! They spoiled their own main event.

- The match itself had a mere ten entrants and they were all guys from earlier matches in the night.

- It ended with One Man Gang vs. Junkyard Dog again. One Man Gang won and the whole thing was like twelve minutes at most.

The whole thing led up to Hogan vs. One Man Gang? There's no way to salvage that, is there?

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
What the gently caress was Vince's obsession with the Gang? The guy's been getting a main event level push for a year's worth of PPVs now and he's the drizzling shits. Even by big hoss standards he's dire.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

He gets better. Well, not in the Bossman "Actually gets better at wrestling" sense but more entertaining anyway

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine

Rarity posted:

What the gently caress was Vince's obsession with the Gang? The guy's been getting a main event level push for a year's worth of PPVs now and he's the drizzling shits. Even by big hoss standards he's dire.

Oh, just you wait.

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

Rarity posted:

What the gently caress was Vince's obsession with the Gang? The guy's been getting a main event level push for a year's worth of PPVs now and he's the drizzling shits. Even by big hoss standards he's dire.

Hogan's run was him vs. enormous guys who looked like they could threaten him (such as Andre, Bundy, Gang, Bossman) or the evil sneaky foreigner (Sheik, Slaughter, Yoko) so they could get as jingoistic as humanly possible.

But wrestling has always loved size, it's why Andre was such an attraction across the world. Vince wasn't an exception to this rule but when your main attraction is 6'8" and the size of a two-car garage you've got to bring in some really big motherfuckers to make him a feasible underdog. Big, coordinated guys are generally the exception, not the rule. For every Bam Bam and Vader there's a bunch of plodding motherfuckers who are lucky to walk without breaking everything in a 500ft radius, including/especially themselves.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

C. Everett Koop posted:

Hogan's run was him vs. enormous guys who looked like they could threaten him (such as Andre, Bundy, Gang, Bossman) or the evil sneaky foreigner (Sheik, Slaughter, Yoko) so they could get as jingoistic as humanly possible.

But wrestling has always loved size, it's why Andre was such an attraction across the world. Vince wasn't an exception to this rule but when your main attraction is 6'8" and the size of a two-car garage you've got to bring in some really big motherfuckers to make him a feasible underdog. Big, coordinated guys are generally the exception, not the rule. For every Bam Bam and Vader there's a bunch of plodding motherfuckers who are lucky to walk without breaking everything in a 500ft radius, including/especially themselves.

well, 6'8" was his billed height, he wasn't nowhere close to that in real life, just like Andre wasn't 7'4"

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

Randaconda posted:

well, 6'8" was his billed height, he wasn't nowhere close to that in real life, just like Andre wasn't 7'4"

Right but even if he's like 6'4" he's still juiced to the gills and overall enormous, and if you want to make someone that big look small you've got to bring in some big motherfuckers. The concept's the same.

Vince didn't build around anyone small until the steroid trials came around. Bruno was only 5'10" but was billed at 265 and even if he was only say 230-240 was still an ox of a man.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
I can't hate OMG. :unsmith: I saw him live in Jacksonville as a very small child, and he returned my wave, even though he was working heel, from what I remember.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Andre was roughly as tall as Wilt Chamberlain (given pictures of them floating around), so he was probably about 7'1. Still ridiculous

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

DeathChicken posted:

Andre was roughly as tall as Wilt Chamberlain (given pictures of them floating around), so he was probably about 7'1. Still ridiculous

Meltzer says Andre was probably legit about 6'10" or 6'11"

C. Everett Koop
Aug 18, 2008

Randaconda posted:

Meltzer says Andre was probably legit about 6'10" or 6'11"

It also depends on which Andre you're talking about, strapping young Andre or Princess' Bride beat to gently caress Andre, as the former probably has an inch or two on the younger. More when you considered his 'fro.

But it ain't like 6'10-11" is small either.

Platypus Farm
Jul 12, 2003

Francis is my name, and breeding is my game. All bow before the fertile smut-god!
As someone who stood next to andre the giant at a wrestling show as a very young child, I can tell you that andre's shoot height is "the biggest thing that a six year old can possibly imagine"

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Oh boy, oh boy, just enough time to fit in one more recap! It's a recap of the Andre and Hulk contract signing that you may well have forgotten because it happened a whole hour ago. Sorry guys, I thought was watching the first Royal Rumble but turns out I just put on last week's episode of Raw by mistake.

Pimply George from Survivor Series is back and he's with Hulk Hogan to discuss the aftermath of the contract signing. Hulk says Andre is just adding fuel to the fire and the Hulkamaniacs will never sell out to DiBiase because Andre won't break them. It's a really dull, low energy promo by Hulk's standards but never mind that because it's time we addressed the elephant in the room.

WORST HAIR


You're going bald, Hulk! Don't live in denial, you're only making it worse!

2 out of 3 Falls Match
The Islanders w/ Bobby Heenan vs. The Young Stallions


And here it is our main event! Featuring the Young Stallions! loving hell. I can't stand Roma and Powers. The Stallions are the most bland, generic team on a roster that's still got it's fair share of bland, generic teams. They are the definition of whitemeat babyfaces and I hope the Islanders kick their asses here. The Stallions come out to a hair rock song that has more personality in one line than the Stallions have in their entire bodies. It's so not appropriate.

Tama follows the Code of Honor so he wants to start with a handshake but oh no, he's a dastardly heel and tries to kick Powers. Except Powers saw it coming, catches his foot and hits an atomic drop. Meanwhile on commentary Vince says that the Dino record attempt was “boring”. You're the one who booked it, mate! Perhaps don't poo poo all over your own product!


ONLY THING BORING ABOUT ME IS THE FIRST FIFTEEN YEARS OF MY CAREER!

Haku reverses a hiptoss and then Roma hits a stiff crossbody but most of the action is bland and insipid. It's a bit of a shame, the Islanders are definitely better than this. There's a double clothesline in the ring and when the camera cuts to Tama Vince points out his toes. Apparently his toes mean “he can hang off the top rope”. Jesus! Jesse just straight up calls him a racist and when your heel colour commentator is calling you out for racism I think that's the time to start reassessing your life choices.

Roma goes for a dropkick but he botches it bad. It's a total miss but Haku sells for it anyway. Haku tosses Roma out of the ring and as he hits the ground Roma fucks up his knee. He's down there wriggling and squirming on the ground and there's nothing he can do as the ref counts him out for the first fall. Jesse says that “Joey Morello was able to use his toes and count to ten”. What is with commentary's sudden obsession with foot appendages? The man's got fingers, Jesse!

We come back from the ad break to learn that the Stallions have just nipped off to the back between falls so that Roma can get his knee checked out by the doctors. Oh come on! You're in the middle of a match, lads! What, do you wanna fit in a cup of tea and some biscuits while you're back there? Hell, seeing as we got a bit of time to kill let's head off for an interview. Might as well, it's not like we haven't got better things to do!

Pimply George is with Andre and DiBiase, who says that tonight they showed us the future of Hulk losing and restates his intention to get the title belt around his waist. Andre vows to beat Hulk and to emphasise his point he elbows George. Come on, Andre, be a star! Andre promises the birth of Giantmania, which is exactly King Kong Bundy promised right before Hulk kicked his rear end so best of luck with that Andre.


Uh oh someone flipped Andre's switch from Stoned to Insane

Now that's over the Stallions can come back out to finish up their match. Roma has tape all around his knee but he's limping like crazy and is clearly not up to wrestling. Oh well, at least the boys are back out and we can crack on with things. What's that? No, we're having another ad break? Thank gently caress I'm not watching this in 1988.

Back from the adverts and even though he's injured Roma is forced to start the next fall. This forces major consternation despite the fact, y'know, he could just tag out to Powers at any time. loving dumbass. Tama goes right after the injured leg and goes up top for a splash but Roma sticks his knees right in Tama's gut. That does not seem like the most sensible option when one of your knees is covered in bandages. Jesse says that he doesn't believe in the good of mankind. Jesus, Jesse! I know your the heel but no need to take things too far, surely?

Powers gets the tag but the Islanders quickly take control and start working him over. Haku hits an awesome deadlift gutwrench suplex. He just flings Powers around like a sack of spuds, it rules. Powers gets a chance by kicking Haku in the face but then he immediately FALLS ON HIS rear end. ON NOTHING!

...That's it, Stallions, you're done. Just get in the bin, it's fine. Hacksaw's made a nice little space for you.


Jim Powers, realising he just looked like an idiot on national television

Roma gets the hot tag, he rushes in and the Islanders get right back to kicking his rear end. Tama hits a body splash to the knee and Haku locks on a single leg crab for the victory. I'd say this was an adequate main event but there's no need to go too wild with the praise. Jesse and Vince spend some time rehashing the major events of the evening including the contract signing and Dino's record attempt. Neither of them bothers to mention the result of the very match this show was named after. So for reals, what was the loving point of that?

Hey Numero6, I believe you were the guy who was kind enough to draw my attention to this show to make sure I watch it.

Yeah, gently caress you buddy.

Tag title match aside this show felt like a huge waste of time. Nothing important happened, none of the wrestling was interesting and nothing of value was achieved. As discussed previously the Royal Rumble itself was hot garbage that helped nobody, Rude/Steamboat was disappointing and the main event was dull at best. That's not mentioning the two ridiculously long timekiller segments that should have been cut for more matches. The Angels are just enough to raise this to two Kanes but that's not talent that the WWF can rely on for much longer.

/10

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

commentary is going to keep pointing out referee Joey Marella and saying things about him because he's Gorilla Monsoon's son.

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007




Grimey Drawer

KungFu Grip posted:

commentary is going to keep pointing out referee Joey Marella and saying things about him because he's Gorilla Monsoon's son.

Oh my God that never clicked with me. :psyboom:

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
Survivor Series 1988: A Lesson In Cultural Appropriation

What I Think I Know

  • Absolutely nothing!
  • But I really hope there's no 20-man tag match this time



It's Thanksgiving 1988, little Rarity is playing with Legos and across the Atlantic the Pilgrims are about to take on the Native Americans in a series of 5-on-5 elimination tag matches where the winner gets rights to own the country, it's Survivor Series! Once again we are joined on commentary by the team of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura who are all ready to start the festivities. In fact, this year Jesse is extra prepared.



The pilgrim hat is back! It's good to know that even with the fear of an ever changing world that there are still some things in which we can find constancy. But this year Jesse has made an addition to the ensemble with an old timey white tie-up shirt with leather trim and fringing. He looks all set to get started on the Oregon Trail any second, here's hoping he doesn't get dysentery! I have a feeling that as soon as last year's show ended Jesse immediately started trawling round the thrift shops for this one.


He's probably been sitting on this one for the last ten months

The Ultimate Warrior, Brutus Beefcake, Jumping Jim Brunzell, Sam Houston and the Blue Blazer vs. The Honky Tonk Man, Greg Valentine, Bad News Brown, Ron Bass and Danny Davis

Man, you can tell they're working hard to fill all the spots they need for this show because the majority of this match is Jobber Central. I know I've seen them a fair few times before by now but I'd still struggle to tell you the first thing about Houston or Brunzell or Bass. Brutus wants to start things off for the good guys and geez, his tights look like they're being held together by three inches of thread and a whole lot of prayer. And while we're on the subject of Brutus...

WORST HAIR


You'd think someone with a barber gimmick would be able to sort out that mess

Brutus squares off against Greg, about whom Gino says “he doesn't get ready until about fifteen to twenty minutes into the contest”. That's a very polite way of calling him a stinking heap of rubbish. Like, I don't think he's ever seen fifteen or twenty minutes into a contest, mate. Thanks for visiting, Sassy Gino, always a pleasure! Greg tags out to Danny but Brutus gets him in the Sleeper Hold straight away and Danny is out as fast he came in.

Blazer's in the ring now and he hits a beautiful headscissors on Greg. Hang on a sec, is that...? Hold up, I just gotta go check something.

quote:

INTRODUCING...



It is! That's Owen Hart!

This is going to be quite a tough one for me to talk about. I didn't get into wrestling until after Owen's death. I remember that kids on the playground were talking about it but at the time it didn't mean anything to me. I've seen a few bits and pieces of Owen from the Attitude Era but I've never caught up with his best matches. I know there's so much reverence for him from those who were fans at the time and I don't know how to write to that. Any praise I could give would sound false to me because I wasn't there at the time. Any jokes I could make would seem disrespectful. Any criticisms would feel rude. I suppose that all I can do is share my honest reactions so that's what I'm going to do but I'm not going to pretend that those reactions have any real importance. I'm looking forward to learning why he was so beloved by so many, that's all I can really say right now.

Brunzell gets into the ring now and to my dismay it looks like there has been a parting of the ways. He's traded in the black and yellow for red, white and blue so I'm guessing the Killer Bees are no more. So if he's here what's happened to B. Brian Blair? We can't forget about Triple B! Meanwhile, Gino runs us through all the ways that wrestlers can be eliminated but he forgets about the oh so important 'at referee's discretion'. That's the most vital one, Gino! You told me that yourself! Bad News hits Brunzell with a slow, weak Ghetto Blaster and that's him gone.

Houston takes over in the ring and straight off gets the poo poo kicked out of him. This is my first real look at Houston and it turns out he's a decent seller. Every time he gets hit it looks like it hurts. Jesse points out to Gino that back in his wrestling days he broke a rule every now and again. In a pissy tone Gino replies that he “resembles that remark”. Hehe. Bad News grabs Houston but as Greg comes in to hit him Houston ducks and he ends up nailing Bad News instead. Greg and Bad News get into a bit of a blarney and before we know it Bad News is throwing a strop and walking out of the match. Hahaha, what an absolute jerk. Bad News allows himself to be counted out but he's long passed caring.

Houston almost gets Greg with a flash rollup then Bass comes in and he gets the exact same treatment. Houston's fighting back with a decent amount of babyface fire now. He connects with a lovely second rope crossbody on Bass and nothing can stop him looking like a legitimate player now. Unless he were to end up with a giant wedgie on national television. But it's not like that's going to happen, that would just be...


Oh. Poor Sam.

Houston goes for a monkey flip but Bass reverses it into a powerslam and Houston is eliminated. It's a really cool spot. Bit of a shame to see Houston take his marching orders but he put on a great show in the limited time to shine that he was given. I've never heard of him before so I'm guessing he was never very successful but hopefully there's a little bit more to come from him at least.

Warrior takes over in the ring and just starts wrecking everyone's poo poo. The crowd goes nuts for it. Blazer's back in with a monkey flip to Honky but then he and Greg botch a leapfrog and both clatter down on their asses. Blazer gets back control and goes up top but Honky shoves him off. Blazer lands right on his knees, which must have been painful as hell, and Greg slaps on the Figure 4 to take him out.


I do appreciate Blazer's pants-over-tights superhero look

The heels all start beating on Brutus while Warrior remains stranded on the apron. It's here that I realise just how crazy roided out Warrior is. He's twice the size of everyone else and everyone else already looks like a roid monkey. Honky goes for the Shake, Rattle and Roll but Brutus reverses it into a back body drop. He gets Honky in the Sleeper Hold and they go tumbling to the outside where the ref gives them fastest countout ever. It lasts about three seconds.

This leaves Bass and Greg against Warrior, who's left all on his own. I think we can all see where this is heading. Bass and Greg double team Warrior as best they can but soon enough he comes back with a double flying clothesline. He hits a double axe handle on Bass and the ref counts the pin even though Greg was the legal man. I'm guessing he also sees the writing on the wall and just wants to get to the back for a cup of tea as fast as he can. Not a moment later Warrior hits Greg a double axe handle as well and claims the win. He celebrates and his facepaint has been completely wrecked, it looks like he's got big bushy yellow eyebrows.


RAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!

This match was all right, I suppose, considering the limitations of its participants. It's quite telling that out of ten men there was only one person I had any real legitimate investment in. Hopefully it just means the later matches will be more stacked.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

I don't know why, but I always bought into Greg Valentine as a dangerous mid-level bad guy. Maybe because I was sold on a feud he had that comes later than this event, so I'll talk more about that when it comes up I guess.

Venomous
Nov 7, 2011





All I know about Greg Valentine is that a year and a half before this PPV Chad 2 Badd squandered up the money to send him over to Tex Ferguson's trailer and put him in an armbar for two and a half hours. (His right arm went dead.)

Venomous fucked around with this message at 10:49 on Sep 24, 2017

Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine
I guess I'll go ahead and "spoil" the fact that Sam Houston is actually Jake the Snake's brother, because you'd never be able to tell.

Another spoiler: we won't be seeing him again. Or Brunzell. Or Bass. Or Danny Davis (as a wrestler). Same for a LOT of people on this show.
1988 really was a significant transitional period for the WWF, as we're already past the Rock-n-Wrestling era and peak-Hulkamania, and Vince is feverishly trying to poach talent from Jim Crockett and the rapidly-dying AWA.

You'll see for yourself whether these changes or for the better or not.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

Shiki Dan posted:

I guess I'll go ahead and "spoil" the fact that Sam Houston is actually Jake the Snake's brother, because you'd never be able to tell.

What the hell? He looks like half Jake's age :psyduck:

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, MAD-2R World
Ultimate Warrior was an extreme example of spamming 1980s era steroids and doing zero cardio. Matilda the bulldog had more endurance than the Ultimate Warrior.

remusclaw
Dec 8, 2009

One of the things that really doesn't always sink in for me when watching WWF from this time period is the fact that most of these people were tip top guys in the promotions they came from, even the job guys sometimes. I watched some Mid South on the network a while back and was completely taken aback when Iron Mike Sharp not only won a match, but won a match clean against someone I remembered being something of an over and pushed guy, albeit at a later date.

The much derided here Ax of Demolition used to be the very over Masked Superstar. I'll admit it though, I like Demolition because I have a taste for good brawlers. and I really liked the 20 man tag team Survivor series matches as they maintained a pace that was pretty much unheard of in WWF at the time.

Final Addendum: Do catch that (Main Event?) show that was being pushed earlier as part of the Megapowers angle, if it is what I am pretty sure it is, it is probably the single most intense angle wrestling has ever seen, and is worth seeing in context.

remusclaw fucked around with this message at 13:57 on Sep 24, 2017

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009

Rarity posted:

What the hell? He looks like half Jake's age :psyduck:

Jake lived hard, if you didn't know.

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Setter is Better.
e) spoiler


Greg Valentine has like a hundred awesome IC title matches with Tito Santana from old Spectrum and MSG shows, he was one of the best WWF upper-midcard guys from the early 80s. He's definitely one of those guys who would have gotten recognized more as a great worker if we had more footage of him in his prime.

Feels Villeneuve fucked around with this message at 18:29 on Sep 24, 2017

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

Gaz-L posted:

Jake lived hard, if you didn't know.

I'm not sure I want to ask this but somebody help me. How old was Jake at this point?

BDA
Dec 10, 2007

Extremely grim and evil.

Rarity posted:

I'm not sure I want to ask this but somebody help me. How old was Jake at this point?

Wikipedia posted:

Aurelian Smith Jr.[3] (born May 30, 1955), best known by his ring name Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Early 30s... drat.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
I really love all the unpredictable tangets this thread goes into between updates by the way. On the subject of Greg, I can't speak for before 1985 but from what I've seen so far he's absolutely abysmal and his continued presence in the midcard is one of life's greatest mysteries. Most people I think are awful I can at least see the upside (Hacksaw being mega over, for example) but Greg is just a black hole of charisma.

Anime Reference posted:

Early 30s... drat.

:stonk:

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

He has exactly one memorable feud in WWF that you will either really love or really hate as it jumps all the way into "This is so stupid it's actually amazing." I don't think you're going to hit that point for about two years, though

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

DeathChicken posted:

He has exactly one memorable feud in WWF that you will either really love or really hate as it jumps all the way into "This is so stupid it's actually amazing." I don't think you're going to hit that point for about two years, though

Shhhh, I don't want to know till I get there :ssh:

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Setter is Better.
Tito/Greg is possibly the best feud in the history of the IC title, check out some of those MSG house show matches if you can find them on Youtube in non-lovely quality.

Both Tito and Greg are hugely underrated (and both are getting props these days because of people rediscovering and remembering the IC title feud they had).


e) this is one of the best ones, just a classic 80s WWF steel cage match with a tremendously fun finish.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=novuJwwtx1E

Greg is, for whatever it's worth, the greatest WWF wrestler ever at doing forearm strikes. What Jerry Lawler was to punches in the US, Greg was at forearm strikes.

Feels Villeneuve fucked around with this message at 19:44 on Sep 24, 2017

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Feels Villeneuve posted:

Both Tito and Greg are hugely underrated (and both are getting props these days because of people rediscovering and remembering the IC title feud they had).

I have always loved Tito and everybody else should too, he's great :colbert:

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Davros1
Jul 19, 2007

You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible



Jerusalem posted:

I have always loved Tito and everybody else should too, he's great :colbert:

Vince had once said that he wished that he had a locker room full of Tito Santanas.

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