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Marmaduke!
May 19, 2009

Why would it do that!?
Oh god no more movies please...

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DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Gremlins 2 (it totally counts)

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

Do not even ask posted:

Now I want Rarity to review Hogan's entire filmography. Santa with Muscles, Mr. Nanny, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Oh My!

Yeahhhhhh...

No.

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009
Hey, you'd at least get a Rocky movie in there, so you'd have some good acting. Not from Hogan, mind you, but Stallone can turn it on when he has to.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Plus Suburban Commando is kind of good.

Do not even ask
Apr 8, 2008


B-but you'd be missing out on classics like Thunder in Paradise!

And the Thunder in Paradise video game!

WeedlordGoku69
Feb 12, 2015

by Cyrano4747
I feel like if one was legit important for an angle, then it should probably be included just so Rarity gets the full idea of what's going on, but otherwise no. So, Rocky 3 and No Holds Barred, and that's it, I'm pretty sure (until Ready to Rumble, if Rarity ever decides to do WCW).

e: aaaaarguably See No Evil but that's a long loving ways off.

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
I feel that if I did movies more regularly then I'd run out of material very fast. At the same time I'm not a big movie fan either so I'd be less engaged with it and the quality of the writing would suffer. While I hear that people want it I don't want to fob you guys off with something substandard just because it would be popular. After all, that's how we got 13 Randy Orton title runs :v:

Open Marriage Night
Sep 18, 2009

"Do you want to talk to a spider, Peter?"


You've at least seen Predator and They Live, right? Probably the only two movies involving wrestlers worth watching until Bautista came around. Running Man and Get Smart were decent enough, but they're not must watch.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Open Marriage Night posted:

You've at least seen Predator and They Live, right? Probably the only two movies involving wrestlers worth watching until Bautista came around. Running Man and Get Smart were decent enough, but they're not must watch.

I liked the Rundown and the Princess Bride

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
No but I have seen The Rock in The Mummy Returns and Kevin Nash in The Punisher

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009
You've never seen Kevin Nash AS Hulk Hogan AS Bass Armstrong in the cinematic masterpiece DOA: Dead Or Alive?

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Monster Brawl was cheesy and fun

Sandman from ECW
Sep 6, 2011

Road House starring Terry Funk is my pick.

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Sandman McMahon posted:

Road House starring Terry Funk is my pick.

I love everything about that movie. Even the Kevin Smith commentary.

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009

Randaconda posted:

I love everything about that movie. Even the Kevin Smith commentary.

I own something like 3 copies of it, and 2 separate Rifftrax commentaries for it.

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005

Rarity posted:

No but I have seen The Rock in The Mummy Returns and Kevin Nash in The Punisher

fuckin' watch they live already

Randaconda
Jul 3, 2014

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Gaz-L posted:

I own something like 3 copies of it, and 2 separate Rifftrax commentaries for it.

How are the Rifftrax commentaries?

I won't say it's a good movie, but it's certainly a fun movie.

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010
Predator might be Arnold's best non-Terminator action movie

Randaconda posted:

How are the Rifftrax commentaries?

I won't say it's a good movie, but it's certainly a fun movie.

Whenever I think of that movie I always think of this exchange from one of the rifftrax commentaries:

Dalton: Pain don't hurt.

Commentator: Well actually, by it's very definition, it does.

El Gallinero Gros fucked around with this message at 00:02 on Dec 4, 2017

Gaz-L
Jan 28, 2009

Randaconda posted:

How are the Rifftrax commentaries?

I won't say it's a good movie, but it's certainly a fun movie.

I haven't listened to the Mike solo one (it was one of the first ones they did, before they bought Rifftrax out from... was it Legendary?) in probably 6 or 7 years, but the trio one they did for the 10th anniversary of the site was very, very good with a lot of gags at Mike's expense for being possible the biggest Road House fan in the world.

DeathChicken
Jul 9, 2012

Nonsense. I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Predator is a drat fine movie. And Jesse is good in it

delfin
Dec 5, 2003

SNATTER'S ALIVE?!?!
Just do the scene in Mr. Nanny where some random guy throws a dog into the ocean.

Xerzes
May 16, 2012


Not one mention of Hulk as the Time Master, huh?

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Rarity posted:

Yeahhhhhh...

No.

Thank god

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005

but we all agree that, regardless on a writeup or whatever, rarity should watch 3rd Greatest Movie of All Time, They Live, sometime very soon

RC and Moon Pie
May 5, 2011

The Wrestler. Verne Gagne's version, starring Ed Asner.

Horrible movie, fantastic cameos from all the wrestlers.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


El Gallinero Gros posted:

Whenever I think of that movie I always think of this exchange from one of the rifftrax commentaries:

Dalton: Pain don't hurt.

Commentator: Well actually, by it's very definition, it does.

Jimmy: I used to gently caress guys like you in prison!

Mike: What? How's that an insult to me? Seems like that's entirely between you and your prison lovers. ...Were they nice? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it totally sexual? So do you keep in touch with any of the guys? Because it would be kind of sad if they just drifted out of your life.

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

stop forcing bad movies on rarity and let her do the wrestling reviews which is more than enough

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

KungFu Grip posted:

stop forcing bad movies on rarity and let her do the wrestling reviews which is more than enough

Yeah there is a ton of bad (and good!) wrestling to get through already, let alone throwing nebulously connected movies into the mix.

Gavok
Oct 10, 2005

Brock! Oh, man, I'm sorry about your...

...tooth?


Besides, now that she's finishing the ill-advised PPV experiment of 1989, I want to see her take on the ill-advised PPV experiment of 1991.

El Gallinero Gros
Mar 17, 2010

Gavok posted:

Jimmy: I used to gently caress guys like you in prison!

Mike: What? How's that an insult to me? Seems like that's entirely between you and your prison lovers. ...Were they nice? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it totally sexual? So do you keep in touch with any of the guys? Because it would be kind of sad if they just drifted out of your life.

Yesssss. Rifftrax really excels watching Roadhouse and 80's movies that are sorta similar.

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005

KungFu Grip posted:

stop forcing bad movies on rarity and let her do the wrestling reviews which is more than enough

agreed, we should force good movies like They Live

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005

not to review, just, like, watch it in their spare time

Do not even ask
Apr 8, 2008


really rarity doesn't need to watch any more movies now that i think about it, no holds barred is the peak of cinematic achievement

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~
No Holds Barred Steel Cage Match
Randy Savage and Zeus w/ Queen Sherri vs. Hulk Hogan and Burtus Beefcake


All right, I'm getting right into this one because I want to be done with this show so bad. The wrestlers all come out to the ring while we've got Vince McMahon filling in on commentary alongside Jesse Ventura. There's no camera shots of them though so I'm guessing this was all added in post, meaning we're denied further wacky fashion adventures. Hulk strips off Burtus's top as they make their way down to the ring, that's just natural behaviour after you've spent months hanging and banging.

The faces enter the cage but as Hulk walks in Sherri slams the door on his back and he winds up rolling to the outside. This gives Savage and Zeus the window to start doubling up on Burtus. Seeing Hulk start to recover Savage breaks off and chokes him through the bars. This draws the ref's attention and he comes over to break it up, although I'm not sure why cause I don't see how this goes against cage match rules. With the ref distracted Sherri runs in and locks the door of the cage, leaving Hulk stranded. This is some solid strategy from the heel team.


Sherri, I have a cunning plan

Or so you would think. The only problem is Hulk negates it all by giving Savage one swift punch through the bars and then climbing over the top. Yeah, I'm not sure what else Savage was expecting to happen here. Again, this isn't Hell in a Cell. Hulk smacks Zeus's head against the cage while Burtus hits a back body drop on Savage that sends him flying into the wall of the cage. drat! That is a mad impressive bump.

Burtus follows up with an atomic drop on Savage with Hulk closing in after with an axe handle. They turn their attention to Zeus and run him towards the cage but he blocks it and rams them both in. While this is going on Savage makes an escape attempt but Burtus spots him and claws him over inside. The two men exchange blows atop the cage and Sherri climbs up to join them because she is legit mental. Burtus grabs Savage and Sherri and clashes their heads together. The amount of abuse Sherri keeps getting from the guys is pretty uncool.

In attempt to take the big man down Burtus locks on the Sleeper Hold to Zeus but he holds on long enough for Savage to break it up and from there the heels take control. Vince reminds us all how important it is we call our PPV providers to demand they keep airing WWF shows. It's cool, dude. I'm sure everyone got the message the first time. Savage and Zeus decide the time is right to make a break for it but Hulk's back up and catches Zeus in time to hit a back suplex. Ok, fair enough. We all know the guy playing Zeus is an actor not a wrestler so fair play to him for taking a bump like that. Burtus foils Savage's escape as well and then both men collide, everyone's down on the mat. This is tense stuff!

The ref decides that this is the perfect time to get the door unlocked but as he does so Sherri slams it into his face. She rushes inside and passes Savage a thick metal chain. Suitably armed Savage climbs the ropes and then CLIMBS THE CAGE to go for a double axe handle off the top. It's such a cool visual and even though Burtus catches him on the way down it still looks mighty impressive. Savage and Burtus race each other back up the cage and Burtus knocks Savage down to the mat just as Hulk begins his hulk up routine. Burtus drops down to the outside but Savage has spotted the open door and crawls his way out, evening the match up.


It's no Jimmy Snuka but it's still pretty rad

Savage and Burtus brawl around the outside until Burtus comes out on top. He makes his way back into the cage but Hulk's feeling like he's on the final straight so he waves Burtus away. Can't have anyone else sharing that glory! Hulk slams Zeus into the cage over and over and over again and follows up with the Leg Drop. This is followed up by the Leg Drop again. Which is followed up by the Leg Drop AGAIN! Yeah, there's no way Zeus is kicking out of that one. Hulk and Burtus pose in the ring while Jesse starts shilling to call the PPV providers. He claims that being able to watch PPVs is a First Amendment right. It's in there right next to the bit about freedom of the press.

This ended up being so much better than it had any right to be. Hulk sucks, Burtus sucks, Zeus mega sucks but through overbooking the hell out of everything they managed to put together a really tight match that relied on story rather than skill. Again, I'm going to give Zeus a bunch of credit for all he put himself through here despite not being a trained worker. He managed to do everything that was needed of him and played his role well. Definitely the best Hulk match I've seen to date in the thread, perhaps the best Hulk match I've ever seen. Which to be fair, is a pretty low barrier.

Now we've had the movie and we've had the movie but this show isn't over just yet. That's right, to close out we've got the best part of this or any other PPV. Rumble promos! Up first is the Ultimate Warrior who says he'll be facing twenty nine mortal men as opposed to the space god or whatever he's supposed to be. As if I can understand a Warrior promo. Dino Bravo and Earthquake may be best of friends but they both think they're going to be the survivor. Remember, it's every man for himself! Rowdy Roddy Piper wants to come out at number one because he's never been a number two. He's clearly forgotten about WM5. Savage claims to be suited for the Rumble and Sherri is with him and she looks like a loving shark or something.


Guys, I think I'm a Sherri mark

Moving onwards ever onwards Dusty Rhodes says he's going to get funky and randomly brings out the lady fan I screencapped for Survivor Series. What the...? Wait no, don't tell me. I'll figure it out for myself. Bobby Heenan is surrounded by the Heenan Family and vows that one of them will win. The family is down to three members as the Brain Busters have departed in the last month. This is what happens when you forget the cranberry sauce. The Hart Foundation claim that they can wrestle as single stars any time they want. Well, I wish you'd want it a bit more often.

Curt Hennig says that he's going to show all the roster that he's – say it with me – perfect. Demolition claim that they're the only ones who won't get tired if they're the starters. Considering these lads generally gas out after two minutes I'm not sure what they're basing this fact on. Bad News Brown calls the other twenty nine competitors “spineless cockroaches” although as cockroaches are nature's great survivors this isn't really the insult he intends. Fat Herc' is ready for the Rumble because he's strong of mind and strong of appetite.


His jaw gets a very serious workout these days

Not much farther to go now, let's whiz through them. Rick Martel says that he makes his own luck. The Rockers are prepared for the match to come down to the two of them. Don't taunt me, guys. Mr. Fuji claims the Powers of Pain have the size to knock everyone out. Cause that worked so well for them last year. Superfly Jimmy Snuka is going to be ready. Ted DiBiase is in for the prize money even though he really doesn't need it. Tito Santana is getting goosebumps just thinking about the match. Jake “The Snake” Roberts wants to make a bit of extra cash, you can tell he was really stumped for something to say cause he spends most of his fifteen seconds stalling. And last but not least, Koko B. Ware is alive! He's not been around since the last Rumble so I genuinely forgot he existed.

And we finish up with one last interview from Zombie Mean Gene who's with Hulk to catch up about the match. Hulk says that it went down exactly as he predicted and now he's so hyped he wishes that it was the Royal Rumble right now because Hulkamania can wipe out 150 guys at once. I feel that's a bit of an overestimation. Zombie Mean Gene asks Hulk about – for gently caress sake – PPV providers not showing Royal Rumble.


I THINK WE GOT THE MESSAGE, VINCE

Hulk is outraged at the PPV providers enacting their rights as capitalists in a free market because the Hulksters have already placed their bets and it would be a sin, an actual sin, if they weren't allowed to watch the show. Ah yes, I believe it was the 11th commandment that went 'thou shalt not deny the masses their Hulkamania'. Hulk reminds us that America is “a democracy” so we should all keep on calling the PPV providers 24/7 until they relent to our demands. Um, isn't that called harassment?

The theme tune plays again over the closing photos. Aw yeah, loving 80s as hell.

Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that. Why? What is so wrong with me that I think it's ok to devote a good 12+ hours of my life to writing up a review for this show? Why do I not have anything better to do with my time? Sure, the match and the promos at the end were a nice little surprise but overall this experience was horrifying. I think I'm broken inside.

When it's such a bad show what should the rating be?

Does it matter at all, is opinion free?

It caused such pain!

It gets two Kanes!

(Just two Kaaaaaaaaaaaanes!)

/10

An Important Note: Ok guys, I'm afraid I have an announcement regarding the future of this thread. This PPV was an absolute slog to review and it really drained my enthusiasm for this project. At the same time, it feels like reader interest has significantly dropped off in the last couple of months. I've really enjoyed entertaining you all over these last few months and I just want to say a quick thanks for all the support and praise. However, at this point I have to tell you that this forum will no longer be hosting my reviews. It's been a blast, if you want to keep reading my work the review for Royal Rumble '90 will still be available on Tumblr. If you want to see Rarity Watches remain on SA then write to your local mod and tell them how important this thread is to you.

No, I mean it. Write to J-Ru.

Do it.

DO IT.

Remember, it's part of your First Amendment rights.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Please keep posting these, I'm really enjoying reading them and it is bringing back a lot of fun memories.

That said, I have zero memory of this cage match at all, which is bizarre because I absolutely MUST have watched it at the time it aired. I watched EVERYTHING WWF was doing,

Rarity
Oct 21, 2010

~*4 LIFE*~

Jerusalem posted:

Please keep posting these, I'm really enjoying reading them and it is bringing back a lot of fun memories.

It was a joke :ssh:

abraham linksys
Sep 6, 2010

:darksouls:
he totally knew and just made that post as soon as possible to prevent getting spammed with PMs, the coward

I'm really enjoying these reviews, as someone who wasn't even alive yet to watch these PPVs, and definitely don't have the stomach fo sit through them in 2017. Though I have seen Santa With Muscles, which must count for something.

In fact, Christmas is coming up again...

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Not being able to access PPVs as is our first amendment right is no joke, Rarity, did Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan teach you nothing? :colbert:

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Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer
It's a really good thread

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