what is the funniest vegetable [megathread]

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i'm tired of all these threads clogging up byob. the 'carrot is funniest vegetable' thread has some good jokes, but the 'funny vegetable' meme has run its course and it's time we decided once and for all as a community which is the funniest vegetable.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 15:02

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 14:03

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# ? Dec 7, 2017 15:03

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let's start by summarising what we already know:

carrots: the worst vegetable
green beans: fine, a pleasing and humourous flatness. look at it from the side: it's gone!
bell pepper: mildly suggestive shape, three varieties of color make it useful for the ol' 'stoplight' routine
rutabaga: this ain't your daddy's vegetable
celery: who the gently caress do you think you are, celery?? the gently caress are you playing at??
leek: "my fridge has a leek!" classic gag
onion: makes people cry when they cut it. a good prank is to hide it in other things people have to cut, like a well-done steak or a mayoral commemorative ribbon

free Trapt CD fucked around with this message at 15:15 on Dec 7, 2017

# ? Dec 7, 2017 15:12

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

I find the buttsquash fairly humorous if perhaps a bit too ribald. Beets are fairly good too since they are a homophone for beats, which is a musical concept scarcely related to vegetables at all.

I think I should have to nominate the turnip, because if a writer ever wants to make produce seem ridiculous they would surely refer to a turnip. For instance someone might be a turnip farmer or arrive to town on a turnip truck ro serve their boss a roast turnip surprise. No one would ever laugh like that at a stolid potato.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 16:07

sockingtonsworth

broccoli cauliflower smackdown

# ? Dec 7, 2017 16:23

Manifisto

good lord this isn't hard. it's the vegetable that sounds like "pee" and almost always manages to escape the bowl as you're trying to unshell it, not to mention brits like to eat it "mushy" which is an absurd way to want to eat anything yet somehow so very british

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Dec 7, 2017 16:30

CannonFodder

Kumquat. It's a vegetable and a request. " Please come here and quat."

# ? Dec 7, 2017 16:44

free Trapt CD: *~~*
I've got plenty of java
and Chesterfield Kings
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these are all good points, well-expressed, and i'm glad because they're all in the funniest vegetable megathread, where it is easy to compare and contrast vegetables, and internet explorer couldn't handle having all those tabs open before.

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

I find the buttsquash fairly humorous if perhaps a bit too ribald. Beets are fairly good too since they are a homophone for beats, which is a musical concept scarcely related to vegetables at all.

I, too, like the buttsquash, but don't you think it kinda makes a punchline in and of itself? like, you can't take it anywhere, because you've already cannonballed into the comedy pool when you open with 'buttsquash'. whereas beets - you've tapped a rich vein of comedy nutrients. "hey DJ, drop the beets already!" - it sounds like you're waiting for an exciting moment in the music, but in actuality you are the supervisor at the DJ's day job where he moves boxes of produce. it's like, "hey, hurry up! we've got other vegetables to move!" hilarious. and let's not even get into the other homonyms - beet cop, heartbeet.

ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

I think I should have to nominate the turnip, because if a writer ever wants to make produce seem ridiculous they would surely refer to a turnip. For instance someone might be a turnip farmer or arrive to town on a turnip truck ro serve their boss a roast turnip surprise. No one would ever laugh like that at a stolid potato.

i think you're on to something with this turnip business. turnips are just plain good fun! they sound funny, look funny, and are funnily inconvenient to pack into a truck due to their odd shape. nobody ever heard of a 'potato surprise', and a 'turnip famine' is hilarious while a potato famine is something i can't mention at family reunions.

sockingtonsworth posted:

broccoli cauliflower smackdown

did you know that the patterns and shapes in broccoli are similar to those of complex and recursive mathematical figures such as fractals? that's because broccoli is the 'nerd' of the vegetable family. whenever i cook broccoli in water i imagine i am giving it a swirlie. one point for house cauliflower

Manifisto posted:

good lord this isn't hard. it's the vegetable that sounds like "pee" and almost always manages to escape the bowl as you're trying to unshell it, not to mention brits like to eat it "mushy" which is an absurd way to want to eat anything yet somehow so very british

the thing about peas is that there's normally hundreds of them. you're unshelling them, and one flies out - hilarious! a second - hey, you should know better! a third - that's getting a little crazy. but it keeps happening! hours later, you're still at it, and nobody knows now whether they are laughing or crying. the brits may like them mushy, but imo the pea is the apex of the french school of tragicomedy. sadly this is byob, not 'cahiers du legumes'

CannonFodder posted:

Kumquat. It's a vegetable and a request. " Please come here and quat."

it's hilarious because of the misunderstandings. you're like "what's for dinner" and they're like "kumquat" and next holiday season you stop getting christmas cards.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 18:08

HotSoapyBeard: I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN

Brussels sprouts are like miniature cabbages and they smell like farts.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 20:03

Koishi Komeiji

Radicchio because it sounds like a Pokemon name.

edit: It's also sometimes called chicory which also sounds like a Pokemon name.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 20:06

Robot Made of Meat

free Trapt CD posted:

rutabaga: this ain't your daddy's vegetable

Actually it is. None of the rest of us will eat the things.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Dec 7, 2017 22:11

Olive!: It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...

arugula: just try and say this without sounding like an old-timey car horn. it's impossible.

# ? Dec 7, 2017 23:05

Olive!: It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...

do legumes count? 'chickpeas' (aka 'garbanzo beans') are pretty funny

# ? Dec 7, 2017 23:08

Olive!: It's not a ghost, but probably a 'living corpse'. The 'living dead' with a hell of a lot of bloodlust...

I yam what I yam!

# ? Dec 7, 2017 23:10

blaise rascal: "Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Pearl...."

Thank god this discussion is being consolidated into one thread. It's been too difficult trying to keep up with all the individual funny vegetable threads in BYOB, as well as the D&D funniest vegetable thread and the GBS funniest vegetable thread. Frankly, I had been getting less done at work as a result.

To all the GBS refugees coming here after their thread was closed, welcome! I think you'll find BYOB to be a friendly place. Some of the "bleeding edge" humor that you guys favor may be lost on us, though. Just something to keep in mind.

Olive! posted:

arugula: just try and say this without sounding like an old-timey car horn. it's impossible.

I feel like this is a really good point that I haven't seen mentioned before. I'm gonna have to look for a source on this.

ty vanisher, ty khanstant

# ? Dec 8, 2017 00:17

Scaly Haylie

asparagus is good for prop comedy.

# ? Dec 8, 2017 00:26

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Sorrel is an undersued erb. It tastes lemony. Lemony leaves.

# ? Dec 8, 2017 00:30

Twenty Four

Is a pickle a vegetable or did it just used to be one?

# ? Dec 8, 2017 07:12

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

post modern thought teaches us that categorization is essentially meaningless

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# ? Dec 8, 2017 11:59

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

so maybe?

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# ? Dec 8, 2017 12:00

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

p sure ketchup is a vegetable in america, which is hilarious

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# ? Dec 8, 2017 12:00

Manifisto

Twenty Four posted:

Is a pickle a vegetable or did it just used to be one?

if so my vote switches to pickled hogs feet

or maybe pickled watermelon rind

"hey let's take the trash part of the plant, the non food part of the food, and pickle it!"

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Dec 8, 2017 13:56

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

Manifisto posted:

if so my vote switches to pickled hogs feet

or maybe pickled watermelon rind

"hey let's take the trash part of the plant, the non food part of the food, and pickle it!"

makes sense tho? you'll eat the best part first and save the lovely parts for dire times

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# ? Dec 8, 2017 14:42

Manifisto

Nosfereefer posted:

makes sense tho? you'll eat the best part first and save the lovely parts for dire times

pickles for dire times:

- pickled banana peel
- pickled dirt
- pickled cigarette butts
- pickled cereal box
- pickled pickle jar

# ? Dec 8, 2017 14:51

ShinyBirdTeeth: sparkle sparkle sparkle

Manifisto posted:

pickles for dire times:

- pickled banana peel
- pickled dirt
- pickled cigarette butts
- pickled cereal box
- pickled pickle jar

The harvest so bad we had to make do on pickled brine.

# ? Dec 8, 2017 15:16

sockingtonsworth

I�m imagining one of those cashier stations where the keys don�t have words only pictures and it�s just a bunch of pickle buttons

# ? Dec 8, 2017 21:33

sockingtonsworth

and aren�t pickles a type of sea mammal?

# ? Dec 8, 2017 21:33

Gone Fashing: KEEP POSTIN
I'M STILL LAFFIN

so who won

# ? Dec 16, 2017 02:55

wearing a lampshade

Frankly insane that zucchini isn't mentioned. The amount of times I've confused zucchini for cucumber warrants a hilarious Judd Apatow rom-com

# ? Dec 16, 2017 03:19

wearing a lampshade

"this cucumber sandwich is amazing!"
"... Baby it's zucchini"
*Lovesong by the Cure starts playing while Steve Buscemi looks on from a zamboni he is driving straight into a garden the neighborhood oldperson owns"

# ? Dec 16, 2017 03:21

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

eggplants are real crack ups

# ? Dec 16, 2017 03:41

Gone Fashing: KEEP POSTIN
I'M STILL LAFFIN

confratulations tomato, the funniest vegetable

# ? Dec 16, 2017 03:42

Gone Fashing: KEEP POSTIN
I'M STILL LAFFIN

you did it tomato. we are proud of you. *all the fruits and vegetables and legumes come in with everything for a huge party*

# ? Dec 16, 2017 03:44

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

Boo! Get off the stage!
*throws tomato*

# ? Dec 16, 2017 03:49

Robot Made of Meat

Gone Fashing posted:

confratulations tomato, the funniest vegetable

Look, there's NOTHING funny about tomatoes, got it?

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Dec 16, 2017 04:12

Manifisto

the fiddlehead fern is objectively funniest, not because of its appearance (smoobles-colored tentacle) nor because of its taste (???) but because of the metrical qualities of its name. it's like a setup and punchline, "rat-a-tat TAT!"

cf. "know what I mean, VERN?"

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Dec 16, 2017 17:19

alnilam

has it been mentioned that broccoli starts with "brah" which is ripe for references to undergarments and frat boys alike

# ? Dec 16, 2017 18:54

cda: by Hand Knit

"Vegetable" doesn't mean anything. It's a social construction. Some things classified as "vegetables" are legumes, some are tubers, some are fruit, some are plants. This whole concept is insane. It's like trying to find out which is the funniest gender.

# ? Dec 16, 2017 19:26

Manifisto

cda posted:

"Vegetable" doesn't mean anything. It's a social construction. Some things classified as "vegetables" are legumes, some are tubers, some are fruit, some are plants. This whole concept is insane. It's like trying to find out which is the funniest gender.

I am imagining a young cda patiently explaining this in response to a fruitless parental attempt to discourage picking the broccoli, carrots, and snow peas out of the pasta

# ? Dec 16, 2017 19:40

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 14:03

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Jedrick posted:

eggplants are real crack ups

I know, right? Like, you ever see someone trying to make an omelet trying to crack an eggplant open? I mean sure, to make an omelet you gotta crack open a few eggs, but an eggplant? I just can't be done with modern science! You could dunk one in liquid nitrogen I guess but it's just gonna make a mess and you're gonna end up getting yelled at.

Eggplant- nature's joke on the rest of us

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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# ? Dec 16, 2017 19:56

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > what is the funniest vegetable [megathread]

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