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Okay, I didn't die or anything. Just need to grabs some screencaps after work tonight for a Prime Time review. Then finish watching Nitro not only jump the shark, but do a series of backflips over it.
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Jan 30, 2018 20:38
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Distorted Kiwi posted:Okay, I didn't die or anything. Just need to grabs some screencaps after work tonight for a Prime Time review. Then finish watching Nitro not only jump the shark, but do a series of backflips over it. The Distorted Kiwi Review thread where If the food poisoning don't getcha then the WCW shows will 
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Jan 30, 2018 20:51
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Prime Time Wrestling, Jan 6th, 1987 Let's dive into Prime Time Wrestling for the first time. I was sold on this episode from the screenshot. (Hulk Hogan in front of the U.S flag, holding a guitar) Let's get old-school! I will admit I've dipped into a few Prime Times since getting the Network. Gorilla and Bobby were quite the team. Bobby is resplendent in his sequinned red jacket, and as this is the first show of the year, would like Gorilla to talk a little more quietly. Gorilla happily goes to loud annoucer voice to intro the first match. Sucks to be you, Bobby.  Your favourite Drunk-les First up, The Dream Team. Yes, Brutus "No Occupation as Yet" and Greg "No Legbrace" Hammer. Their opponents, The Islanders, who are billed as from "The Beautiful South Pacific". As a native of those parts, that covers a LOT of ground. Their theme music is supposed to be evocative of the islands, and manages to sound like a old barrel full of marbles rolling down a flight of stairs. Lord Alfred Hayes joins Gorilla on commentary, and oddly, Alfred sounds MUCH more natural than usual. Well, that's no fun. The Dream Team are managed by "Luscious" Johnny V, who has a hairdo that must have needed at least EIGHT sprays of Farah Fawcett heavy-duty hairspray. "Is that a Mr Potato Head wig?" asks my wife. The back of his jacket has "How Sweet it Is", written vertically. I read it horizontally, turning it into "SI HWT OO- WEI TS". I think I summoned Cuthullu.  Meanwhile, Valentine wears his grandmothers favourite duvet It's a collection of animal-print underwear in the ring. Leopard-skin seems the order of the day for both Haku and Brutus. Gorilla interviews Johnny V as Haku and Valentine push each other back and for a few minutes. Johnny quickly turns into a babbling hype machine, and is as understandable as Dutch Gangster Rap lyrics. The Islanders finally start the match properly by atomic-dropping Valentine. A double-chop, and Valentine does his version of the Flair Flop. Brutus tags in and starts to get worked over by the Islanders. Much like Samson, I blame his tiny baby-mullet for his lack of offense. He needs to grow that thing out, stat!  And stop wearing one of Moolah's old dresses to the ring Back to Gorilla and Bobby. Gorilla happily taunts Bobby and throws to the break. Back to the match, Brutus gets in two nice high leapfrogs, then throws an elbow more likely to hit the rafters than Haku and gets squished. The match is moving at a.. well, let's say "relaxed" pace. On the other hand, there's no sign of even a baby David Flair, so I'm okay with that. Johnny V returns to the commentary table to complain. A lot. Valentine back in and sets up for what looked to be a shoulderbreaker, only to hit a proto-tombstone instead! That is not what I expected. It was about as pretty as Mae Young in a tanning bed, but quite amazing to see him use that. Valentine seems to be speeding up a little, so I guess Jesse was right about him taking "30 minutes to get warmed up". Brutus with an atomic drop, practically face-planting onto Tama as he does it. Still a little green at this stage, I see. Haku gets the hot tag and goes a tear, whipping Brutus into Valentine, hitting yet more atomic drops and basically chopping chests like he got a bonus for each one. Tama hits a cross-body from the mesosphere, all heck breaks out and Valentine drops Tama on the top strand coconuts first.  And yet A'noai family STILL manages to produce offsrping! Brutus covers for the pinfall. Rating: 1 pair of leopard-skin tights. Back to the boys, where Gorilla threatens Bobby that Jack Tunney is going to crack down hard on referee shenanigans in 1987. Hope that worked out for you, Jack! Bobby is working on a list of New Years Resolutions by now. I sure hope one is "I resolve to ride in a tiny, motorised wrestling ring".  Bobby struggles adorably with the concept of "paper" Back from the break, it's time for a 1986 Hulk Hogan retrospective! In July, he teams with Mr Wonderful, while the lighting makes Paul look like Goldust '86. And then Paul turns on Hogan and piledrives him to China. I LIKE Mr Wonderful! Hulk of course returns the favour, sending a dude in a Hulk shirt into a public display of religious fervour. HALLELUIJAH, BROTHER! In February, Hulk vs Savage! I honestly didn't realise they'd locked up prior to the Megapowers exploding. It's a lumberjack match, and Hulk gets the cheap pin. Can't be mad though, he got it after SOMEBODY grabbed Savage's leg. A hairy, slobbering somebody with a green tongue and an animal-sized boner for Elizabeth.  This is who is watching you as you sleep tonight In June, Hogan is mercilessly beating Brutus Beefcake and HOLY poo poo is the crowd hot. (And high-pitched. Must be at a Girl Scout convention) Up next, Jake Roberts! Ooh, Tito vs Jake from Houston. VERY mixed reaction for Tito, which breaks my brain briefly, as I've never heard him booed before. Jake is in too-cool-for-you mode, responding to the ref's instructions with nothing but a half-wink and a smug smile. Despite his heel mannerisms, the crowd is chanting for the DDT before they even lock up properly. Gorilla and his co-commentator discuss the meaning of "DDT". When I was in school, we thought it meant "Damien's Dinner Time". Tito hits an early Flying Forearm, but Jake rolls to the ropes and gets a foot on them at 2. The ropes are pretty clearly REAL ropes wrapped in tape, and compared to today's rings, are so twisted they look like pipe-cleaners from a distance. Jake tries to grab Damien, so Tito locks in a headlock. Tito's arms are a LOT bigger than I remember, Jack tries to escape with a back suplex, but Tito holds on to the headlock. Well, now I know where Jake got that exact same spot he used against Rick Rude the following year. Jake reaches the rope, and the dickhead referee KICKS HIS HAND AWAY! What the gently caress? Who took a crap in your suitcase, ref?  Alternate Universe Wrestlemania IV Jake finally escapes with a jawbreaker. Inverted atomic drop, which Gorilla questions the legality of. The concept of "illegal moves" has kind of died out these days. Watching the Brainbusters find a way to employed the banned Spiked Piledriver without the referee noticing was always fun in 90's WWF. Back in the ring, Tito runs into a kneelift and it's headlock time from Jake! It's HEADLOCKMANIAAAAAAA! Jake goes full dickhead heel, stepping on Tito's hand and just GRINDING it into the canvas. drat it Jake, that man has a budding harmonica career to think about! He taunts Tito and offers his chin for a free hit. Tito obliges by trying to remove his jaw. Cocky pin from Jake, Tito reverses into a pinning combo for two. Jake tosses Tito to the floor and tries to bring out Damien again, Dave Hebner stoops that by.. well, counting at him. If only it was that easy in real life, "Bar fight! Hey, break it up! ONE! TWO...! Jake signals for the DDT, Tito blocks and tries a sunset flip, getting pummeled in the face for it. More chinlocking from Jake, who grabs the ropes as well. A kid in the front row is so fired up at this he nearly goes through puberty as we watch. Gorilla is now talking about the twenty-minute time limit, which feels very foreshadow-y to me. Tito suddenly manages to lock in a figure-four, and SURPRISE, the bell rings. Jake flings Damien at Tito, who bails for a chair. Not sure you can chairshot a snake efficiently, really. Jake chases off Dave Hebner with the snake and we're done with this match. Rating: 1.75 Time-killing Headlocks Back at the studio, Bobby works on his list and makes excuses as to why he never gave the production crew Christmas presents. Forget 'em, Bobby, you're the one who deserves a present. Up next, "King" Harley Race vs Sivi Afi. Quick aside, when WWF started playing in New Zealand, a rival network started a local promotion with local wrestling promoter Steve Rickard to compete. Sivi (or "Siva" as he was called here) Afi was pushed as the top babyface, and even in my most mark-ish days, I was PRETTY sure who was going to win the championship tournament. He didn't have to defend the belt much as the show went off the air about a week after he won it. The best part about the show? Steve Rickard's wrestler-kneees meant it took him AGES to reach the commentary booth, leaving two local presenters to call the first match each week. Neither knew a thing about wrestling. (I'm pretty sure one hosted a dating show before getting the gig) The first match was alway hilarious, as they quite simply made up the names of the moves until Steve could haul himself up the stairs to join them. Insert interview of JYD, who makes the most of his twenty seconds of screentime to let Race know... ain't gonna be NO bowing at Wrestlemania. Well, we all know how THAT turned out. In the ring, Sivi slips on the turnbuckle, so Harley just steps out of the way and lets him launch a blind bodyblock into the middle of the ring. Harley picks him up, cradle brainbuster and it's over.  Sivi does in real life what I'm always doing in WWE2K16 Well, think I can see why Afi didn't appear that often in the WWF. Rating: Rate what? There was a match? Must have blinked. Back in the studio, Gorilla missed the entire match while taking a phone call. He discusses Harley's held-on-with-elastic crown. I agree with Monsoon, Harley always looked uncomfortable as "The King". We cut to the Hart Foundation being interviewed. Brett looks nervous as hell, He also looks.. well, I hate to say it, but... pudgy. Guessed he learned to stand face-on to the camera until he got well-toned in the 90's. 1987 Title Retrospective! Santana vs Savage in the Boston Gardens for the Intercontinental Championship. Elizabeth in the sparkly blue number tonight, and Danny Davis is the referee. Well, Tito's screwed. Savage goes for a foreign object, that is so far down his tights he must have needed a urologist to get it there in the first place. Tito take an uncomfortably warm and moist weapon shot to the head and it's a new champion for '86! Being 1986, half of the Boston police force is there to stop Macho getting murderised on the way back to the locker room. And then it's back to Wrestlemania 2 to see the British Bulldogs relieve the Dream Team of their belts. Plus a look at Captain Lou Albino's final match, pinning Johnny V. A cake is humorously employed by Johnny V to send him on his way. Back in the studio, Monsoon continues to rail Bobby for having no belts in the Family, Oh well, I'm sure Andre will rectify that at Wrestlemania III. Off to Tuscon, Azizona for a six0man tag. The Harts (Dick heel version) and Adrian Adonis vs. Mike "I'm a TAXman!" Rotundo and "The Golden Boy" Danny Spivy (The U.S Express) with S. D Jones. The hi-def FINALLY makes me realise Adrian wears eye-makeup, and therefore DIDN'T have what looked like a black eye at Wrestlemania III. (I was watching on a shoddy bootleg VHS tape that got played into submission back in the day) I'm assuming Danny is Gary Spivey's kid. He's tall and has serious surfer hair going on. The U.S Express get to hip-tossing and bodyslamming right out of the gate, causing Adrian to oversell like an obese Curt Henning. Rotundo looks weird to me without the tie and button-down shirt. He gets worked over by the Harts, with Neidhart going to a full-on eyerake in front of the ref's face. Because gently caress that guy, that's why, ref! Adrian powerslams Rotundo, then misses and elbow drop. Somewhere, his belly fat is still jiggling as result.  That time WWF was haunted by the disembodied head of Jimmy Hart S.D tags in. This is what's commonly known as "the biggest mistake of the day", getting caught in "Goodnight Irene", Adrian's sleeper hold. Match is over almost as fast as S.D's Wrestlemania one was. Rating: 0:5 tubes of Man-scara. Back to the boys, who discuss Adonis's habit of chewing gum in the ring. Bobby drops his line of the night with "You could choke! And speaking of choking, have you seen Steamboat recently?". Burrrrrn! Bobby reads his first resolution: Manage the Tag Team champions. Second resolution: Manage the Intercontinental Champion. I sense a trend developing. Time for one more match, and it's The Magnificent Muraco vs, who else... Hillbilly Jim. Vince just LOVED Hillbilly Jim, didn't he? We get what I assume will be a Rarity-pleasing two-fer, as the camera picks up two kids dressed as Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper.  Dawwwwwwww.... I also get to hear Alfred Hayes say "Mudlick, Kentucky!" in his clipped Brit tones. That pleased ME. There's some fun and games before the match as Jim gooses his opponent under his kilt. Yes, Don is wearing a kilt to mock Piper. It's not a pretty sight. The bell has gone three minutes ago, and so far nothing has happened. So Jim finally gets impatient and potatoes Don and Mr Fuji, then whips Muraco into a turnbuckle. Muraco executes the same flip over the buckle that Flair and Shawn Michaels loved to do. It's little less graceful when Don does it. Fuji is complaining about his crushed bowler hat by now. Fair call, you're not properly dressed without your hat. We take a break from the total lack-of-action, and return with a headlock in progress. Headbutt knocks Muraco to the floor. More stalling as Muraco tries for a hnadshake. He goes hair, eyes, and trapezius hold to take over. Did they replace the canvas with flypaper, because this match is SLOOOOOOW. Big boot from Jim, who applies a bearhug, which Gorilla calls a Full Nelson for reasons best know to himself. Fuji canes him on the back for the DQ. 0.25 Loads of nothing. Post-match, Fuji rips Jims overalls (the CAD!) and beats him with his cane. Resolution number three... annnd, Gorilla cuts him off and goes to break. Dick! Finally, Bobby reads some more resolutions: Manage the World Champ, be manager of the year, and be commentator of the year. Gorilla finds that last one hilarious. His final resolution is simply "S.Y M". Best guesses as to what THAT meant? And we're done here. Final Thoughts: I was unaware that Prime Time showed actual matches, not the WWF Superstars-style jobber squashes of later years. Not great matches, but time-filling ones. Best watched for Gorilla and Bobby just goofing around. Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at 09:42 on Jan 31, 2018 |
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Jan 31, 2018 09:27
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About eight years later, Danny Spivey would turn up with one of the bestest drat characters ever (that sadly died on the vine as he got hurt)
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Jan 31, 2018 09:40
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DeathChicken posted:About eight years later, Danny Spivey would turn up with one of the bestest drat characters ever (that sadly died on the vine as he got hurt) True, but no spoilers! (I had to spoiler myself, I'd forgotten that one...)
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Jan 31, 2018 09:43
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Distorted Kiwi posted:The best part about the show? Steve Rickard's wrestler-kneees meant it took him AGES to reach the commentary booth, leaving two local presenters to call the first match each week. Neither knew a thing about wrestling. (I'm pretty sure one hosted a dating show before getting the gig) The first match was alway hilarious, as they quite simply made up the names of the moves until Steve could haul himself up the stairs to join them. This is loving amazing.
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Jan 31, 2018 10:06
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I feel like PTW was sort of their attempt to have a show for the more serious wrestling fans in their audience- mostly competitive matches featuring folks low on the card, leaving the storylines and flashier events for other shows. The WWF's taping schedule in those days must have been odd- this was well before RAW so every show they had (and they had several) was drawing matches from multiple events across the country, so I'm not sure how that was arranged.
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Jan 31, 2018 11:06
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D'awwww it's the Hot Tod!
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Jan 31, 2018 18:51
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Rarity posted:D'awwww it's the Hot Tod! I get what you're going for but phrasing, not the best here.
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Feb 1, 2018 00:21
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Distorted Kiwi posted:It was about as pretty as Mae Young in a tanning bed You... do realize she wasn't always a hundred years old, and was loving gorgeous in her prime, right?  e: seriously, it's almost hard to believe that she used to look like this given the mental image we almost certainly all have of her, but it's true nonetheless. WeedlordGoku69 fucked around with this message at 18:52 on Feb 2, 2018 |
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Feb 2, 2018 18:50
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LORD OF BOOTY posted:You... do realize she wasn't always a hundred years old, and was loving gorgeous in her prime, right? Too bad the Attitude era seared a parade of horrors into my brain that is hard to get past.
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Feb 2, 2018 22:30
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Okay, so it looks like the 90's Coliseum Home Video releases go up on thr Network this week. PRETTY sure tapes featuring "The Bushwackers Home Improvement Tips" and "How to Throw a Dinner Party" with The Bezerker are going to give me plenty of material to work with.
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Feb 3, 2018 22:24
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WCW NITRO-Ooh Look, a Shark! Let's Jump It! So far, the WCW Nitros I have reviewed has been god-awful (September 2000), okay (summer 1999) and just plain dull. (late 1999) So lets go to the point where it looks like things changed from "failing company" to "Oh shitshitshit, no-one knows what the gently caress they're doing!" April 10th, 2000. The WWE Network description promises "A New Era of WCW!". The last era, as it would turn out. We open with the actual titles for once. Refreshing change. We are in Denver, Colorado. Tony is having a voice-gasm, promising us a LANDMARK occasion! A new dawning in the history of pro-wrestling! Yes, I think he's promising THE GREATEST NIGHT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY! Which is why one of the first people we see is David loving Flair, staring at the lights and looking like a pod person.  "Mmmm... butter" We pan a poo poo-ton of wrestlers in the ring, and I couldn't name half of these guys without help. Okay, Chris Candido and The Cat, know those two. Lash Leroux, Virgil/Vincent, got it. Meng/Haku, wearing a formal shirt, which feels like seeing your local priest in a tutu. Jamie Noble and what appears to be the rear end of Tank Abbot! Hope he left the knife at home today. No Lanny Poffo, of course. The bigger names get to arrive late. Well, Scott Steiner does, along with The Wall. I forgot about him. He's kind of Discount Smart-Casual Kane. Booker T, Vampiro... The Cat. poo poo, who was the guy in the ring who looked liked the Cat? Am I face blind or racist? I'm a Goon. It's face-blindness.  Just people. That's all I can see Kidman, Van Hammer and Jeff Jarrett arrive. Confession time, I HATED Jarrett's late WCW run. Slapnuts, slapnuts, slapnuts, guitar to the head, yawn. Repeat until your brain turns to pudding. Someone lets Jarrett get a mic.  I personally hate that person Sign: "Slap Nuts"-You are the most original person in the room, sir. *slight sarcasm* Slapnuts count: One. Jeff loses his flow, for a few seconds, tripping all over his words. I would too if I'd been tasked with introducing Jim Cornette's favourite person in the whole wide world, Vince Russo.  Booooooooooooo! Sign: "Bischoff+Russo=Ratings" Yeah, you might want to check where the decimal point went, Skippy. Russo gets to bitchin' and moanin', running down people backstage. He also goes out of his way to mention the departed-to-WWF Benoit, Guerrero, and Saturn. Good point, I should flip to Raw in case they have a match! Russo is crowing that the "over-inflated egos in the back are DONE!". That's some BALLS on future world champ Russo.  Really guys? REALLY? Bischoff interrupts and heads to ringside. They proceed to hug, which I assume was supposed to be a swerve. Because everything was in WCW by this stage. Bischoff talks, and I'm more interested in the fact that one of the guys in the ring has what looks like a Hardcore title. I'd forgotten they had that. Smashed-looking belt and all. CoughcoughRIPOFF! Bischoff taunts the old guard, so Sting, Lex, DDP and Vicious show up for a staredown. And more Bischoff taunting. LOTS of taunting. He will NOT shut up. Until Russo gets the stick again. gently caress me. He calls out Ric Flair, and calls him "a piece of poo poo on the bottom of my shoe". Behind him, I spot what looks like one of the Harris brothers holding one of the tag-team title belts. Yeah, THERE'S a piece of booking brilliance. The least interesting men in the world holding the gold. But this is of course a moot point, as Russo states that he's stripping ALL of the title holders of their belts tonight to start afresh. Jarrett gives up the U.S title, the Harris boys the tag-team straps. (Good, now FIRE THEM! FIIIIIRE THEM!) Sid's got the world title, and he's a little.. well, reluctant to give it up. At least, I think that's the gist of what he said. Add in Bishoff's "scrawny rear end" and the phrase "TAKE IT!" and you get the picture. It's one of his better promos. (Seeing as it was one semi-coherent sentence) Bischoff confronts him and threatens to fire him of the belt isn't proffered, stat! And then he drops the infamous "What's the matter Sid, can't find your scissors?" line. Yeah, there was really no turning back for WCW at this point, was there? Sid finally hands it over. Way to emasculate one of your supposed top draws, dude.  If Sid had stabbed Eric with scissors at this point, the show might have been saved Nitro brought to you by Castrol GTX and the rampant egos of Bischoff and Russo. To the commentary team of Schivonne, Hudson and Mark Madden, who is expressing shock by imitating Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel. Out back, Hogan arrives twenty minutes after the start of the show. Real professional, Terry. Sting briefs him, awkwardly shoehorning in "I ain't ribbing you, brother!" Ooh, insider lingo! That won't get annoying quickly. Twenty-two minutes in and we have a match. DDP vs. Lex Luger as part of a U.S Title "mini-tournament". The only other participants are Sting and Sid. That's pretty mini, all right. DDP has his music cut off and doesn't get pyro. Hope they can get their money back on the fireworks. Lex enters, his music gets cut as well. I'm already taking bets on how long before someone (probably Bischoff) runs in. Do I hear three minutes? I hear five minutes, very brave of you sir! Sign: THE HARRIS BOYS LICK JEFF JARRETT'S NUTS-Pretty sure that's an image I NEVER needed in my head. Lex and DDP are having a typical match in the ring, which Hudson calls "Pay-Per-View" quality. I've WATCHED some of your Pay-Per-Views, that's NOT a compliment. (Rarity has already challenged my to watch NEW BLOID RISING. Because apparently she hates me.) Suddenly, someone's music starts playing. Okay, who had... TWO MINUTES AND TWENTY-SIX SECONDS? Really? And who should show up but Buff Bagwell. With lights and pyro. I think I see why this idea didn't work?  $3000 for the overnight rate, ladies! DDP lowblows Lex as Schivonne says "It's only segment two!", making me want to hit HIM in the 'nads. Buff tries to get frisky with Kimberly. (or more probably, offers her a discount for some time with the Buffster) as Luger pretty much no-sells a ball punch. No wonder they call him "Package". Buff sexually molests Miss Elizabeth, distracting Luger enough to be hit with the Diamond Cutter and pinned after four minutes and twenty seconds of scintillating action. 4:20, huh? Is that a hint? Rating: 0:00 Buffholes (on a Pole) Backstage, Curt Henning runs into Russo and doesn't punch him, which I consider a waste of time. Ringside we go, as everybody's favourite boy-band-loving knife-wielding psycho Tank Abbot is wandering on out. And oh boy, he's there to talk. This is going to be brutal.  Derp.jpg He spouts a few clichés as if he's reading off an internal teleprompter with bad punctuation. ("Ian't no panstuyassRASSLERI'm a shootfighter. I don't knowa wristwatch fromawrist lock...") He calls out, of all people, Goldberg. He's also blinking like a motherfucker, presumably from the concentration required to keep this speech in his mind. He finishes by threatening to "beat the helly hell" out of people. Not sure what "Helly Hell" is, but okay, do what you feel like, Tank. Tank proceeds to unleash Helly Hell on Mark Madden, stripping Mark's shirt off in the process. It's like watching a manatee get mugged. Four security guards chase him off. Well, that was unpleasant and unconvincing.  So conflicted right now Backstage, we get our first taste of Crash TV, cutting between Jeff Jarrett, Billy Kidman and Hulk Hogan in about forty seconds. Hulk does run into Terry Taylor, so that's nice. Commercial break, and we're back to Hogan finding Bischoff. And within seconds, we're out to the ring as Billy Kidman heads out with microphone in hand. Thirty-five minutes of show, 146 seconds of in-ring action so far. Kidman takes his chance to take a giant verbal dump on Hogan. ("You say Billy Kidman can't draw flies, but who'd know better about drawing flies than a giant pile of poo poo like you!") Ahh, the things that had to be said in public before Twitter was invented. Billy calls out Hulk, who finds the worlds tiniest and most conveniently-placed hallway monitor in time to hear a few baldspot jokes. Sign: STEVE AUSTIN IWERKS-I read that as "Twerks" and thought "I hope there's footage of that". Hogan and Kidman get trade very personal insults until Kidman drops Hogan and puts the boots to him. Hogan puts Kidman into various barriers and ringposts. He takes him back into the ring for some more punishment, and holy crap, we have a run-in by Bischoff and it's not even a match. "The whole think was a work!" screams Hudson. Please stop the carny bullshit, WCW.  Way to put the young guys over, Hulk Bischoff teases hitting Kidman with a chair, then of course turns on Hogan. (After telegraphing the gently caress out of it by making many fake swings.) Scott and Tony scream like it's Bash at the Beach '94 all over again, because apparently they weren't actually watching the opening twenty minutes. Bischoff proceeds to count a cover on Hogan for Billy. Do I have to count that as a match? (No. No, I don't) Hogan has also made a less-than-subtle reach into his pocket, and wouldn't you know it, comes up bleeding. Flair finally shows up, forty-four minutes into the show. Lazy fucker.  Whoo, I suppose Back from the break and a slow-mo replay BEAUTIFULLY shows Hogan blading himself just as he turns for the chair shot. Nice angle, crack production team. Backstage, Hogan bleeds and curses. Meanwhile, Flair watches the opening segment backstage. He heads on out, at least getting his music.  And this confusing sign He cuts a promo on Russo, who is apparently the top heel in the company right now. He calls us Russo, as calling people out is THE viral trend of April 2000. Big Poppa Roidrage comes out instead. He cuts what I call the "OLBASTARD" promo, as he repeats that phrase like he's getting sponsored to say it. He accuses Ric of looking confused. Dude, you have a live mike in your hands, EVERYONE looks confused when that happens.  Unused concept art from ZARDOZ Steiner uses some comedy teeth to pretend to be Flair. Well, if you want to hear Scott be even LESS coherent than usual, this is the show for you! Shane Douglas arrives to backjump Flair. He gets to drop one elbow before WCW security arrives to drag him away. We're now 52 minutes into the show (plus adverts!) for the same two minutes of wrestling. Kevin Nash arrives on crutches (an HOUR late, Kev? And I though Hogan and Flair were tardy!) and we go to commercial while showing someone in the crowd that's in so much pyro smoke it could be Jimmy Hoffa.  Canadians in the Mist Oh, it's Brett Hart. That must have been worth sitting through an ad break to find out. Shane Douglas gets interviewed by Gene Okerlund, getting to drop some company-sanctioned profanity. Oddly, his promo is one of the worst of the night, fluffing lines all over the place.  Almost as bad as Gene's expression Hey, a match! That's novel. Sting vs. Sid. I'm not confident this will be a five-star classic. Sid DOES get his pyro, though. Sign: DIE, SCHAVONE, DIE-Could we get Tank Abbott back out, please? We have a request. Sting gets in the early offense and dumps Sid to the floor. Where Sid somehow fucks up having his head rammed into a barricade, dropping of his own volition to headbutt (well, HANDbutt) a chair instead. Sid takes over and drops Sting on the barricade. At least ONE of them knew what they were doing. Sid then gets his foot caught in a camera cable.  "Play dead until our contracts expire, Sid!" I was right about the lack of five stars. Back inside, and Sid is now playing heel. Guess HE forgot the opening twenty minutes happened, too! Sid slaps on a chinlock. A resthold in a Russo-booked Nitro? Seems unnecessary. I'm right, as the Run-In Music plays at 3 minutes and 20 seconds. It's the Wall, with a table. He hits the ring as the ref gets bumped, bopping Sid with a chair like he'd only had the move described to him. He drags Sid outside and hits a chokeslam so low and sloppy that Sid was lucky he didn't end up UNDER the table. He's no Dudley. Not even Sign Guy. Sid gets counted out. Rating: 0.01 Uninteresting Walls. After a quick break, it's time for an in-ring rant by Ric Flair. Wait, is this show on a loop? This IS a different rant, though, as he calls out Shane Douglas. Whooo. Backstage, Hogan goes "RAAAGH" and throws things around. Including a GIANT bucket of candy which come at us like a piñata exploded in 3-D. Another break, more Hogan shouting and swearing. Followed by a recap of the premiere of READY TO FUMBLE. Wait, RUMBLE. I meant that. Next Thursday, David Arquette will appear on WCW Thunder! I'll pause the review until you former-WCW fans get any screaming done you need to get out of your system.  Look upon the future and despair Speaking of people WCW fans still hate, here's Jeff Jarrett. Oh wait, he's someone *I* still hate. He's taking on Curt Henning, who gets music so generic that my wife didn't realise he wasn't coming out to Jeff's theme. They meet in the aisle as I start my stopwatch. Let's see if we get more than five minutes without some shenanigans, shall we? Crowd Sign: "Only One Hulk"-Well, thank heavens for small mercies, I say.  Then I got a look at the guy holding it, and all was right with the world It's a chop and punch-fest for two full minutes until an off-key version of Curt's "Mr Perfect" music plays and Shawn Stasiak saunters out. Tony sells this like the return of The Outsiders as Shawn had been in WWE up to till now. (As "Meat", who I VERY vaguely remember) Ref bump as Shawn fucks up the Henning gum-swat, then nearly kills Curt with a HORRIBLE kind-of Samoan Drop. More a Samoan Faceplant, if I'm being generous.  Must have over-oiled himself Stroke finishes it for Jeff, who face the winner of Sting/DDP for the U.S title. Rating: 0.0025 Meats. Upstairs, Hulk Hoagan bleeds, swears and traumatises entire families in the Skyboxes, but can't find Bischoff. Break now!  Apart from that girl, who's loving a blood-soaked Hogan run-in Back to Nash backstage. He does nothing interesting. Sting interview. He's still trying to sound invested in this dreck, so points for effort. "Impromptu" match-Flair vs. Douglas. Not sure it's that "impromptu", as you announced it two ad breaks back, Tony. More punchy-kicky stuff both in and out of the ring. Whoo Chops in the corner. Shane reverses and punches. Sign: "I'm on TV!"-No, your sign is, you're holding it too high, dickhead. Tony and Scott still won't shut up about Bischoff and Russo, and just like Candyman, one of them appears. It's Russo, who hits Flair with a baseball bat to end this gruelling 3-minute match. Rating: gently caress you, Russo. Russo steals Flairs Rolex. Flair surprises me by NOT blading. Back from the break, a pointless replay, sponsored by... ooh, the Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken Burger! I worked at Wendy's around this time, and I LOVED that loving thing. So did my girlfriend. I married her. Probably something to do with the chicken. Either that or no woman can resist a man drunkenly crooning Bon Jovi songs at her. Nash limps out on crutches. Admittedly, I've seen him move more sluggishly in a WWF championship match. He launches a spray at Bisch & Russo. "Jagoffs" is his new catchphrase, it seems. He wonders what happened to their "sweet little 'rasslin' show" that used to have. Well, at least you still have a show. For about another year, anyway. Nash is in street clothes, making him look like a well-paid shampoo model.  Shiny Mike Awesome jumps him, taking him down with Nash's own crutch. Outside, Angry Hogan is on the phone in his limeo. He's going to "eat Bischoff's rear end alive". Not sure that's going to make it past Standards and Practices, really. The fabled White Hummer arrives to demolish Hogan's limo. Because what a failing wrestling show needs to do is destroy an expensive automobile. Bischoff is driving it, of course. Well, at least we don't have to hear "WHO WAS DRIVING THE HUMMER?" for the next six months.  I was thinking it's more a train-wreck at this point, but whatever Main(?) Event time. DDP vs. Sting! Thirteen whole minutes left on the show. So of course, let's waste some time by having Jeff Jarrett show up as well. He's headed for the commentary table, so it's not a one-second run-in, at least. Sting pushes DDP off an early Diamond Cutter attempt, DDP flings himself out of the ring with such velocity I suspect Sting is chugging Super-Soldier Serum. DDP escapes a Scorpion Deathlock attempt and is selling like he just ran the Boston Marathon. He hits a belly-to-belly for two as Jarrett leaves the table. They get into it on the floor as Vampiro runs-in the attack Sting. We're three minutes and 54 seconds into the match. Could we get Russo some Ritalin? A joint? ANYTHING? Diamond Cutter and it's over. Rating: Bollocks to that. Kimberly takes a guitar shot and we fade out.  Way to duck, Page GODDAMMIT! It was a commercial. WHY YOU NO END, SHOW? The Goofball Twins send Jeff back out to ringside. Great, we're ending with Jarrett finding ways to say "Slapnuts" and "Stroke" and bore me to tears. Can we get a run-in please? Well, of course we do. DDP runs in, Scott Steiner runs-in on him, Lex Luger runs-in on HIM. STOP IT! Then Buff Bagwell runs in and gets killed. Well, I enjoyed that. NOW stop it! Nope, Vampiro AND the Wall run-in. Is there anyone left in the backstage? I'm expecting a run-on by two cameramen and the catering staff at this point.  'You! In the third row! GO! Tony, Scott, get in there!" Sting runs-in as my kid goes mental at the endless run-ins. Is showing 2000 WCW to a nine-year-old considering child abuse? If so, lock me up. Booker T and The Cat turn up as well. I give up. We get one more look at Russo and Bischoff and we're finally done. I take it back, Brett Hart shows up behind them with six seconds of the show to go. Eric and Vince seem quite surprised to see him, considering he walked out three seconds after tem. Very observant, you morons. And we're done. Thank the lord. Final Thoughts: I need a drink. Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at 23:49 on Feb 5, 2018 |
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Feb 5, 2018 23:38
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I was legit hype for this reboot when I was a kid. I was watching some WCW on Channel 5 but it was cut to shreds so you didn't know what was happening. I took this as my chance to get into the storylines of WCW. We all have our regrets.
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Feb 6, 2018 05:27
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I hate that episode so, so, so much. It is so bad. It is so stupid. It is so awful. I hate it. Hate it. Hate.
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Feb 6, 2018 05:35
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As much poo poo as Hogan gets for claiming he put over Kidman, having watched the entire feud, he's 100% right. Every time Kidman cut a promo on Hogan, it was so painfully clear that he had no place being anything more than a guy hanging around the middle of the pack in the Cruiserweight Division, let alone feuding with Hogan. That Hogan even had a match with him, let alone an extended feud where Kidman got heat, was way, way more than someone with Kidman's talent deserved.
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Feb 6, 2018 05:43
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The worst part of the scissors thing (besides it being a reference goddamn no one would get except the nerdiest of nerds) was Bishoff reacting to the silence of his horrible joke by glancing around and repeating it, like the problem must have been the audience didn't hear his loving hilarity
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Feb 6, 2018 05:50
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Jerusalem posted:I hate that episode so, so, so much. It is so bad. It is so stupid. It is so awful. I hate it. Hate it. *fisthatebump* Started work on a mid-80's Coliseum Home Video recap. It's aged...poorly. Better than Russo, though.
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Feb 8, 2018 02:14
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August 28, 2000 Nitro
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Feb 8, 2018 05:35
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exploded mummy posted:August 28, 2000 Nitro My pain is apparently what people want. Before or AFTER Uncensored?
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Feb 8, 2018 08:50
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Well, they had to show up sooner or later. The fabled "WWE Home Video Classics"-AKA Those terrible Coliseum Home Video tapes that us deprived wrestling fans watched while waiting for the next Pay-Per-View tape to show up at the video barn. Let's start off with the very first one. Set course for wackiness, it's April of 1985's BLOOPERS, BLEEPS AND BODYSLAMS. The tape (as I shall refer to these shows) starts off with a wonderfully over-the-top introduction, with epically-synthesised music over footage of grapplers both current (in 1985 terms) and historic. It's actually very well done, even if it does of course ends with an extended shot of Hulk Hogan. Contrasting that is the title screen, in blocky white text on a blue background. Hellllo, 1980's!  Not impressive Over host, from "WWF Video Control" (calling Grappler Tom!) is Gorilla Monsoon, who is surprisingly slim-looking. He's wearing the best tuxedo they could find, complete with a wonderful blue ruffled shirt. Thank GOD that's never come back into fashion. He looks like a zombie ripped his chest open. He intro's "Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams". The there's a cut and he intro's it again. Oh, ho ho ho, it's a take where he fluffs the word "bodyslams". We're off and running! We head to the ring to join a ten-man tag in progress. Andre is captaining one of the team. In my head I hear Miracle Max saying "You ARE one of the teams!" Andre boots Don Muraco out of the ring, leading to some serious over-selling. He makes it back and, and Andre fires him to the ropes and executes a drop-down. C'mon, try the LEAPFROG, Andre! No such luck, and he just gets up and lets Muraco run face-first into an rear end the size of a small moon.  One for the Muraco family album Then we're off to join Vince, who's getting love tips from "Classy" Freddie Blassie. Freddie is happy to play Dear Abby to the letters of WWF fans. Or "pencil-necked geeks" as he calls them. There's a phrase that's ripe for a comeback. Fred's advice to the first correspondent is a barrage of gravelly-voiced sexism. The next letter-writer complains about her husband practising holds on her. Vince's reading of "his Superfly Splash off the dresser is too much" causes some crew-member to audibly crack up. Classy Freddie agrees whole-heartedly that some "broads" need to have holds put on them, going into detail of some hilarious spousal abuse he gave to his second wife. Vince chuckles along, although with hindsight I think we can agree this segment hasn't aged particularly well.  "Broads, huh? Can't live with 'em, can't throw 'em down a well..." Next up is a letter from a sixty-year-old who wants to take the plunge and get her freak on with a wrestler. There's more corpsing as Vince tries to read the letter with a straight face. Blassie suggests the 18-year-old Tonga Kid would be a good match. I think he's trying to kill this nice lady off. The segment finally dies a slow death and we throw back to Gorilla. He talks about wrestlers keeping themselves in shape through training and of course, lots of "vitamins". But what this bit is leading up to is "Iron" Mike Sharp slamming a luckless jobber into the turnbuckle, dislodging the guys hairpiece at the same time. Mike of course claims it as a trophy as the poor guy looks for a hole in the ground to crawl into. On to "Tiger" Chung Lee, who is giving a demonstration of brick-breaking. Gorilla claims he personally had accidently purchased the bricks, accidently getting the type with steel rods in them. Cue thirty seconds of futile choppong, Vince corpsing on air, Freddie Blassic speaking in faux-Korean and the sound of a crowd calling Chung Lee a fake. A brief (and incoherent) Lou Albano rant, followed by a posedown hosted by that connoisseur of oiled-up muscular men, Vince McMahon. It's Tony Atlas vs "Mr Wonderful. Thankfully Vince is sitting at a table, so we can't see what this does to his dress slacks. Tony wins, so Paul cold-cocks him. A oily fistfight breaks out, broken up by Vince and a silver-masked man. (Who's actually dressed for dinner, plus the mask. Because, Mexico)  "Best Day EVER!"-Vince We're off to meet the Iron Sheik's camel.  Who I shall name "Pooky" This leads to Vince calling in Lord Alfred Hayes to assess the camel's attributes, camel expert that he is. Vince manages to call it both a "cammebell" and a "camera" in quick succession, ALMOST making the Sheik laugh. This is a weird segment. And just as I type that, Gorilla promises Kamala the Ugandan Giant and a performing chicken. Oooo-kay. Freddie Blassie brings out the chicken, along with "Friday", a proto-Kim Chee. The chicken's act is to be Kamala's lunch. This is luckily done with a jump cut to avoid any on-camera Ozzy Osbourne-ing. On to MIDGET MADNESS! Danny Carpenter vs The Haiti Kid. Big crowd on hand for whatever event this was. It's full-bore Dwarven Comedy, with butt-biting leading to Danny managing to pin the vertically-challenged referee on a slingshot. A couple of pinfall attempts end up with The Kid getting tossed into the ref's arms and dumped on his face. And that's all we get, heading off instead to watch Vince having polka lessons from Ivan Putski.  I KNEW these tapes were going to to provide screencap fodder. Over to Hulk Hogan, making smoothies full of "Python Powder". Man, they're just forcing me to make steroid jokes, aren't they? Vince quite enjoys powering down a protein shake. And so, a cover of "Muscle and Fitness" magazine was suddenly in his future. Back to Love Advice, this time with Captain Lou in the hotseat. He gives some hygiene and weight loss tips. Oh, my aching sides. This segments are the longest thing on this tape so far, and boy howdy, they're awful.  Winner, Worst Shirt, 1983-1989 WWF Top Chef is next, as The Wild Samoans demonstrate their culinary skills for Vince. Hilarious 80's cultural insensitivity ensues as Afa and Sika speak Samoan and dissect a giant fish. Lord Alfred Hayes plays fall guy, getting to try a little raw fish. He's not a fan. He also gets to do his patented "disgusted face" over a bowl of boiled fish. Holy gently caress, this is anti-comedy.  KOMEDY! Back at last the Gorilla, who promises the "biggest blooper of all time". Okay, I'm sitting down. He sets the scene... a tag title match between the Wild Samoans and "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas. In the ring, Atlas has just gotten the hot tag is is cleaning house, (clichés for everyone!) when the ref gets bumped. Lou Albano leaps in and... d'oh, puts a wooden chair to the top of his own guys skull. The ref revives instantly to count the pinfall. Not sure that's going to overtake Booker T calling Hogan the N-Word as far as bloopers go. More ethnic comedy coming up, as Salvatore Bellomo (who I have NEVER heard of, despite him having a 30-year career) makes a pizza. That's the whole bit. From ethnic stereotyping to a weird improvised taped bit, with Mean Gene and Dick Murdoch getting a tour of Adrian Adonis's old New York neighbourhood. Adrian happily talks to random dropouts, pretending they're related to him. How they hell did no one get mugged while filming this? They stop for a hotdog, but this is pre-Adorable Adrian, so there's no dick-related humour.  This man has ZERO idea of what's going on Just a bunch of in-ring clips next. Plenty of bodyslams, so we've got that part of the titles sorted. Also a hilarious bit where Andre tosses one of Heenan's guys out of the ring, the wanders over the step on both heels hands simultaneously. Thanks, Bobby, that's the first real humour on this tape.  They call this "The Instant Flippers" Oh God, more Advice for the Lovelorn, with "Luscious" Johnny V. He cuts a rapid-fire promo on the first letter-writer while staring at the wrong camera. Nice one, dude. The second letter up is from a man who put a Mexican wrestlers mask on is wife to improve her looks. Jesus, who was writing this poo poo? Next, a woman who likes ugly men. Johnny suggests Hogan, chortle, chortle, while plugging Brutus Beefcake as a "15-20" out of ten for looks.  Johnny appears to be wearing his face upside down today And then one from a lady who wants to get into a "16-20 man Battle Royal". Time to put the kids to bed, folks! Thank Christ that one ends with Johnny just babbling away wildly. Andre the Giant gets interviewed by Vince and Alfred. This is the classic moment where he slams his size Holy-gently caress Boots onto Vince's desk, then plays Facehugger with Alfred's head. He also gets to goof around with a Caribbean band. Probably the best segment of the tape so far.  Lord Alfred HMGHHHHPF Piper interviews Cyndi Lauper, getting interrupted by Lou Albano who cuts the mother of all sexist promos on her. She unleashes some HANDBAG VIOLENCE on him.  "Cyndi's gonna kill you!" *clapclapclapclap* More in-ring stuff, before we head to the wedding reception of Paul "The Butcher" Vachon. Ooh look, a huge wedding cake! Bet nothing wacky will happen here! But first, let's open the gifts! Lou gives him a huge box of rubber bands. Blassie gives the bride some glasses to pick a better husband. Managers are dicks. Georeg "The Animal" Steele gets to deliver the first toast. "ArrrrgghhhhhhhPUMPERNICKEL!" is a toast, right?  "Fourscore and seven years ago..." Once again, there's a formally-dressed luchadore at the wedding. And a luchadora!  She's luchadorable! This massively awkward sketch rolls on and on, with our first glimpse of Jesse Ventura! He's got bright orange hair, which I assume is the result of a drunken bet. Albano gets into a shouting match with dwark wrestler Sky Low Low, "Doctor D" David Schultz gets aggressive, Lou belches in the microphone and THIS THING WON'T END! Seriously, the last FIFTEEN MINUTES is dedicated to this. I can feel my brain melting.  Of that fifteen minutes, it seemed like an hour was this bit You know, for all the criticism levelled at modern WWE's scripted promos, it does prevent improvised cringe-fests like this. The fast-forward button gets some use for the first time. Just put someone in the cake, dammit! Finally Schultz puts us out of our misery, cake-facing the bride.  Becuase violence to women is HILARIOUS! A pie fight break out, thanks to George Steele, and no-one is enjoying it more than Vince. Schutlz gets to pie Vince, and holy hell he gives it to him at high velocity. Vince returns the favour to George and the world's slowest food fight breaks out. Eventually everyone is ambling around slowly, throwing chairs, spraying soft drinks and generally trashing the high school gym they're filming in. If this sounds at all funny or interesting, it really isn't. Vince does goof around a little, demonstrating some cake-skating, but the highlight was watching the masked guy manage to bull's-eye someone from clear across the room with a pie. Good eye, my friend.  Laugh? I almost started. FINALLY the tape ends with a series of unconnected lines from wrestlers Credits and we're out. But not before a disclaimer that "The wrestling matches on this cassette have been edited to maximise their entertainment. Careful preservation of the spirit and integrity of the matches has been maintained". Which is weird, I as don't remember any entertainment on this whole loving thing. Final Thoughts: Wow. That was a crime against comedy. And there's like, twenty more to watch.
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Feb 9, 2018 11:38
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Sal Bellomo is actually a regular in 1993 ECW. He's not good but then '93 ECW features surfing Sandman and Rockin' Rebel and a lot of not good wrestlers. Actually it's almost everyone except Eddie Gilbert and Terry Funk.
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Feb 9, 2018 11:57
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Distorted Kiwi posted:My pain is apparently what people want. Before or AFTER Uncensored? after, its more horifically boring
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Feb 9, 2018 12:27
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Can you just quit your day job and watch the WWE Network and do these write ups for us all day every day? I'm really enjoying these but I read them much quicker than you can expose yourself to all the insanity and then write about it and it fills me with equal measures of dread for you and your mental well being in the future and happiness for what's yet to come.
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Feb 9, 2018 12:35
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Bryan and Vinny review the same episode today: https://twitter.com/WONF4W/status/961867790394081280
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Feb 9, 2018 12:50
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abraxas posted:Can you just quit your day job and watch the WWE Network and do these write ups for us all day every day? I'm really enjoying these but I read them much quicker than you can expose yourself to all the insanity and then write about it and it fills me with equal measures of dread for you and your mental well being in the future and happiness for what's yet to come. I would probably be a drooling wreck in about a fortnight. But I'll lay off GTA V and get a few more of these done as soon as I can manage. 😀
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Feb 9, 2018 13:33
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For a second I read that as Sal Graziano and was like, wow that guy had been around for awhile
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Feb 9, 2018 19:40
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https://twitter.com/Maffewgregg/status/962121828499062784
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Feb 10, 2018 01:58
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Just read this post from 2012 in the old "Wrestling Questions" Thread:quote:This may have been covered but why is NXT still around? Does anyone know why it stopped being a competion and became a dumping ground for the weird and talentless? Does this mean I have to go find some pre-Arrival NXT's now?
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Feb 10, 2018 03:26
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Distorted Kiwi posted:Just read this post from 2012 in the old "Wrestling Questions" Thread: The first seasons of NXT are competitions and the competition parts are pretty much all terrible. They're absolutely worth going through if you hate yourself.
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Feb 10, 2018 06:19
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I think he means the shows between the competition & the first network special.
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Feb 10, 2018 06:23
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2012 NXT was really fun. You had guys like Fandango, Derrick Bateman and the Primetime Players just goofing around cause nobody was paying attention to what was being produced. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B10YocEr66A This reminds me of the first time tried to call Fandango up to the main roster. It was amazing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y-A9IUzv7U
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Feb 10, 2018 09:11
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dsriggs posted:I think he means the shows between the competition & the first network special. I think, explicitly, the period the quote refers to is what Rarity just mentioned. The post-competition but pre-Full Sail era where Fandango, Goldust and EC3 just hosed around for like a year.
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Feb 10, 2018 16:32
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Gaz-L posted:I think, explicitly, the period the quote refers to is what Rarity just mentioned. The post-competition but pre-Full Sail era where Fandango, Goldust and EC3 just hosed around for like a year. That's the one. Checking it out, I'm intruiged, especially as Byron Saxton is an in-ring performer from time to time. I'll add those to the list of "need to review".
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Feb 10, 2018 21:23
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Uncensored 1995 Okay, let's get EXTREME(ly silly) as we delve into WCW's "Uncensored" Pay-Per-Views. Some of these have a legendary status for being overbooked crapfests. I've haven't watched one since 2000-ish. Should be fun. Let's start back in 1995.  poo poo, did I get the wrong event? Tony, Bobby and Mike Tenay greet us in full-bore hype machine mode. Oooh, The Renegade debuts tonight as the Ultimate Surprise. It's some huge buff dude wearing a crocheted loincloth. That IS a surprise.  Not a GOOD surprise, of course Vader vs Hogan tonight! Martial arts matches! Boxer vs wrestler match! Those never suck, right? And most importantly, the first minute on the WCW Hotline is FREE! ("Hi. You've called the ... WCW... Hot.... Line. Please hold for... Iron. Mike. .... .... .....Tenay. Threenintyfiveaminutekidsaskyourparentsfirst") Also, Hogan's manager, Jimmy Hart is missing. We hear about this CONSTANTLY for the rest of the show. But first up, The King of the Road Match. Oh, dear god. Get set for ten minutes of Dustin Rhodes vs. The Blacktop Bully, "wrestling" in hay-bale filled cages on the back of an 18-wheeler. "They're going at 55 miles per hour!" shouts Heenan, ten seconds into the match. Dude, they're doing about 8. We have eyes, you know. The object, as I'm sure you all know is to climb high enough blow the horn at the top of the cage. While also sacrificing any remaining shreds of dignity you might possess. The truck is driving around the back roads of Tupelo, Mississ.. Misassip... rural America. The 90's video tape is making this look like a redneck Mad Max fan film. We also keep getting helicopter shots that turn the match into two tiny figures wandering about in hay. Can't believe they never had another one of these. Dustin hits the Bully with a bale of hay, then tips a bucket of water on him. WILL NO-ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN! They continue to flail around, looking far all the world like the climax of a cheesy 80's teen comedy minus the synth-pop soundtrack.  Starring John Vernon as Nick Bockwinkle! The truck slows down and turns a corner, which makes Tony's voice go up three octaves. Calm down, Scillvone, your nipples are going to explode if you get any more hyped. The sun is now starting to set, turning the visuals into a murky haze. The truck comes to a halt at a stop sign as a "church bus" has to drive past. I'm no promoter, but closed roads might have been a good idea. Also, your "church bus" was pretty obviously an old school bus, guys. You're not fooling anyone. Tony and Bobby are still desperately trying to hype this match, which has ZERO interesting things happening. Dustin apparently bladed during the match, but the lighting is too dim to see anything. It didn't stop both guys being fired afterwards by WCW. I'd take that as a sign of diving providence and hightail it to Stamford, guys. Blacktop Bully FINALLY honks the horn to win at Far Too Many Minutes and a Lot of Seconds. Rating: 0.00 Honks. At the arena, some fireworks go off as we start the show proper. We head off to Tenay, who's interviewing Arn Anderson before his boxer vs. wrestler match with Johnny B. Badd. He's being managed by Colonel Parker. He's so Southern I'm surprised they haven't coated him in 11 secret herbs and spices. Meng is also there, wearing the most flamboyant burka I've ever seen.  Meng masters the art of Trying Not to be Seen Parker drops Elvis lyrics, sounding like he's experiencing a painful bowel movement at the same time. Meng is taking on Hacksaw Jim Duggan in a Martial Arts Match. I have MANY questions about this. Hacksaw's participation, why a racist white dude is managing a Tongan, why Mengs face-covering is moving back and forth as he enters. (Is he eating back there?) Oh, and why is a Tongan wrestler entering to what sounds like Japanese music? That's Martial Artist-ist. Duggan comes out to Sousa music, has the Stars and Stripes and is wearing U.S flag kneepads and a sleeveless vest. Apparently he's starring in a film called "Obese American Ninja" after this match ends. Sonny Ono is the special guest referee, allowing Bobby to make borderline racist jokes. Duggan refuses to bow to Meng, deciding to shout "U.S.A" at the crowd instead. HOOOOO count by this stage: About six.  Becuase nothing's more American than being rude to an immigrant, right? More stalling, more failed attempts at bowing. Hooooo. More stalling. Just as this match seems like it's never going to start, Meng cheapshots Duggan for two. Duggan and Meng start chopping and punching, so Duggan takes off a boot and hits him with it. Apparently, this is legal. Oh right, no rules at Uncensored. Except that one "No blading in a terrible gimmick match" one. More chopping and the ever-popular traps hold from Meng. Then another one. Bobby is now making Sonny Boko jokes. I'm hoping this match runs face-first into a pine tree too. Meng slaps the trap hold on for the THIRD time, so Sonny checks the arm. It falls twice, which would a lot more convincing if Duggan wasn't looking at the camera with his eyes open. He, uh... Duggans up? Yeah, let's go with that. He headbutts Meng, knocking himself out instead. The Islanders hard-skull cliché lives! Hacksaw gets some offense in. As in, he punches Meng. A lot. Three-point stance connects, Meng no-sells it. Duggan grabs Parker, Ono tries to drag him off, Meng kicks Duggan in the head to win. Rating: 0:25 Patriotic Chants. Ho. Johnny B. Badd interview and an Arn Anderson video package follow. He's using a DDT as a finisher, one which is about 0.75 Jakes at best. Stick with the spinebuster, dude. Anderson vs Badd next, with Parker in Arn's corner. Nice to get all your guys matches out the way early, I suppose. He can go have a mint julep and say something horribly racist early tonight. I do declare. Sadly, Johnny is in full boxer garb, so no crazy robes to screenshot. Disappointed! This is set for ten three-minute rounds, with one-minute breaks, winner by pinfall, submission or KO. So, if this goes the distance, it's at least 40 minutes, huh? My money's on it ending in the third. Hopefully earlier. Round One: Arn walks into a couple of jabs as he tries for a takedown. Badd pins Arn in the corner and works the body. Uh ref, you can step in anytime you want! Badd gets in a few more shots as Arn covers up and kicks at him. Wow, this is less interesting than REAL boxing.  He could have at least dressed like a colourblind bird of paradise to liven it up a bit End of the round, allowing Tony and Bobby to talk about the Inoki/Ali match. Yeah, that's right, bring up that loving farce. Great call. Round Two: Badd goes Fists o' Fury right from the bell, getting an eight-count. Arn gets a takedown and drops an elbow. It misses, and he's knocked down for a count of seven. And then goes does again for eight. I don't watch a lot of boxing, but I'm pretty sure that's a TKO. Nope, up he gets, down he goes again. Bell rings, so Arn thinks "gently caress this noise" and just DDT's Johnny after the bell. It's about an 8.5 Jakes. Johnny makes it to his corner, so Arn attacks him there and tosses him, shouting "No Rules!" at the ref. This works, because hey, IT'S UNCENSORED! Bell goes while Badd is still outside, so Arn drags him back and spends two minutes beating on him. (Including throwing him into a ring stool held up by Parker. Not sure I've ever seen THAT in a WBA bout. Badd's boxing coach jumpos into the ring, getting slammed by Arn. Okay, he's now definately won this round on points. Round three ends, Arn gives no fucks for your bell. Round Four: Johnny's manager puts a bucket on Arns head, Johnny punches the poo poo out of it and wins by KO.  Lord Buckethead cameo for the Brits! Rating: 1.25 Rocky IV's. Macho Man Randy Savage Vide-oooooh Yeah Package leads us into a backstage interview. He's too cold to hold, apparently. Good to know. Macho's first out for the next match, and he's wearing a Maga-Powered yellow-and-black-tassled jacket. It looks like he's allowed a kindergarten class to decorate it. SO much crepe paper must have been used.  I think this outfit comes with a free fan His opponent: Avalanche! Yep, good old John "Earthquake" Tenta has had to get a name-change when he headed to WCW. Presumably his finishing move is just rolling down a slope onto his opponent. Bobby uses the name "Avalanche" to make jokes about Tupelo, all of which are met with a stony silence from Tony. Awkward. Randy attacks before the bell, and the two start having exactly the sort of match you'd expect. Randy leaps off the top rope a lot, Avalanche uses shoulderblocks, etc. Macho tries to pick up Avalanche for a slam and ends up getting squished. Avalanche drops legs on him, hits a nice belly-to-belly and HOLY poo poo hits a dropkick. He finally misses an elbow drop, Macho stars powering up, so Avalanche just casually tosses him. It's all Avalanche, as it appears they just went "Hey, you be Andre and I'll be Hogan tonight!". Macho eventually hotshots him and hits a flying uglyass-elbow from the top for one. Sunset flip attempt from Macho, so Avalanche just sits on him. "I heard the air come out of him... from both ends!" quips Bobby. A few seconds later he shouts "It's Uncensored" for no reason. I'm guessing someone gave him poo poo for that line in his headphones. Powerslam and Avalanche does the Bouncy-Bouncy setup for his buttdrop.  "Boingy, boingy boingy!" Randy rolls away, so Avalanche chops away at him. Roll-up gets two for Randy. Avalanche slams Randy off the top rope and heads to the middle buckle himself. He goes splat in a very satisfying manner. They head to the outside, where a lady leaps out of the crowd to attack Savage. A slightly less-convincing "lady" than Pat Patterson made, but it fools Tony. The "lady" chops away at Savage as the crowd goes "whoo", Gee, I wonder who it could beoh my God it's Flair. Avalanche squishes Savage with the buttdrop as Hogan runs in to chase off the heels. Savage wins by disqualification. I'll repeat that. Randy Savage wins by DQ. After an HOUR of Tony and Bobby telling us there's no DQ's at Uncensored. Time for WCW Uncensored to start loving up it's own premise: 68 minutes and 35 seconds. Rating: 1.5 Men in Drag. Backstage, Tag champions The Harlem Heat (and Sister Sherri) shout a lot about the Nasty Boys. Booker T proves his recent spell on WWE commentary wasn't the only time he made up words, promising the Nasty Boys will be "obliviated". Sherri gets to talk, but sadly she has to talk like she's from Harlem and wear all black. It's sad and pointless to see her not dressed like an exploded costume shop.  DISAPPOINTED! A video package to set up Sting (surfer dude edition) vs Big Bubba Rogers. (or "Big Bubba Bossman Rogers", which I'm sure is his full name.) Mike Tenay sends us back to ringside, while VERY obviously reading off a cue card. Either that or his eyeballs are trying to escape. Bubba is first out, to one of the most generic rock entrances I've ever heard. It doesn't even mention Cobb County, Georgia. (The place with the highest literacy rate in Georgia, I just learned!)  Also the home of Bubba Rogers, Jazz Saxophonist, according to his outfit. Bubba sticks a finger in Stings face as the bell rings, so Sting bites it. Bubba oversells hilariously. Sting then fucks around with Bubba's overcoat and hat, leading to the first instance of a face-painted man legdropping a fedora I've ever seen.  That hat had two weeks left to retirement Sting pounds on Bubba, who flings himself out to the floor. Stings goes after him, so Bubba trips him before he can leave te ring and tries to crotch him on the ringpost. Sting uses SURFER-LEG-POWER to pull Bubba into the post instead. Well, that was the idea, anyway, Instead, Bubba's sweaty grip slips off Stings boots and he jerks backwards, then has to ram HIMSELF into the ringpost instead. Tupelo physics, folks! Tide turns as Sting leapfrogs Bubba, catching his leg on the way up. Bubba starts working the legs as Bobby offers helpful tips from the announce table. Pace of the match slows to "Slightly Higher than Reverse" as Bubba uses a selection of leg kicks and toeholds. Bobby takes to opportunity to take a few dozen more shots at Tupelo. ("They should tear it down and build a swamp!") Bobby's enjoying himself tonight! Bubba works both the knee and the camera, while sweating so much it looks like he's taken a refreshing swim during the match. Sting starts making the comeback, and as Bubba misses the sliding-to-the-floor-punch, drags him back in and slaps on a sleeper. So Bubba escapes using his tie as a weapon. It pays to dress formally some times. Sting picks up Bubba for a slam, the knee buckles and Bubba falls on top for the pinfall to instantly deflate the fairly-hot crowd. Except for one big redneck in the forth row. Nice moustache, sir. Rating: 1.75 sweaty shirts. Texas Tornado tag match up next. Basically it's falls count anywhere, everyone legal at all times. Yep, that's playing to the Nasty Boys strengths all right. Gary Capetta intros Harlem Heat first. He's got a weird habit of huge pauses which make it sound like he forgot his lines. Sherri comes out with the belts, but no wrestlers. That's a bold strategy. The Nasties bring a garbage can with them. Presumably filled with screwed-up copies of all Ric Flair's contracts. Nice touch as Sherri heads out to the aisle towave the Heat in, who jump out of the crowd on the other side of the ring instead. Punching nd kicking starts, and well, that's pretty much it for the next few minutes. First the Heat are in charge, then the Nasties. Sherri gets dragged in for a Pit Stop, that wonderful move where one Nasty rubs your face in the other guys armpit. I'd SO tried to forget that, A walk-and-brawl starts as they head to the worlds worst-placed concession stand. As in, it's IN the arena, fenced off from the paying public, and has one guy running four different booths. Stevie-Ray picks up a tray of cotton candy and quite literally places it gently on top of Saggs. The crowd is starting to turn on this match and FAST!  As am I. Only faster. Some inadvertent comedy happens as Nobbs and Stevie-Ray both takes accidental slides on a huge puddle, caused by a tray of drinks that was unwisely thrown early in the match. The five of them can no longer even throw a punch without nearly falling over. Stevie-Ray winds up for a shot and to paraphrase the immortal words of the British Bulldog, "Falls right on his ARSE!". Saggs then proceeds to stop swinging halfway through throwing a right hand. Stevie-Ray reacts to it anyway. Was Claude Rains in this match? Booker throws Nobbs into the Funnel Cake stand, which collapses, nearly breaking Booker's legs in the process. What's uglier than a bowling shoe, I need a new metaphor. Nobbs recovers to slam Booker onto the remains of the stand and covers. One... two.... and the cameraman pans away to watch Stevie Ray and Saggs. Predictably, this was actually the end of the match, as the bell rings to signify we missed the actual three-count.  Probably even ref Randy Anderson wanted this poo poo to end To compound the awfulness of the match, Saggs decides to give Sherri a shove in the back when she's not expecting it. She proceeds to slip over and nearly breaks her elbow. Dickhead. Holy poo poo, that was BRUTAL. Rating: 0:00 Crushed Funnel Cakes. Because I don't do nega... gently caress it, WCW won't be the only ones to break their own rules tonight. REAL Rating: Minus Two Crushed Funnel Cakes. Tenay tries to interview Vader. Vader shoves him off-screen and conducts his own interview. Flair shows up, still wearing his eyeliner and nail-polish from earlier. He looks like a bleached Joker. Video package to set up the main event. Vader vs. Hogan in a strap match. I'm about as unexcited as you can imagine. Michael Buffer is here to earn poo poo-tons of money by reading words of a card. Vader has Flair in his corner. Jimmy Hart is STILL missing! I know this because they've mentioned it every six minutes for the last four days. (Wait, it's only been two hours? Could have sworn it was longer!)  You'll have to take our word for it, Flairs being eclipsed by Vaders shadow as we speak Flair and Vader menace Hogan as he tries to put the strap on, until suddenly...! Wait, I have to pause to laugh. A lot.  I'm sure you understand Okay, I;m back. Suddenly *snort* heavy guitar riffs signal the entrance of The Ultimate Ripoff, Renegade. It's a blatant knock-off of The Warriors theme, bringing a face-painted dude who runs to the ring like his knees are made of steel girders. He clears the ring, allowing the match to grind into first gear. Where it stays for a while, as Hogan puts Vader into a corner and punches, chokes and bites him for a few minutes.  Your childrens role-model, folks! Hogan straps Vader, then Flair. Renegade *chortle* goes all Hellwig on Flair, chasing him up the aisle. Vader takes over, hitting a Vaderbomb. Renegade gets up on the apron, allowing us to see that his red-and-yellow face paint is literally a capital "R". Not sure that's an acceptable form of I.D, dude.  Plus another "R" on his clothes to remind him he's right-handed At this stage, Renegades entire offense appears to consist of going "ARRRRGH". Vader straps Hogan as Jimmy Hart runs-in to join us. He's been tied up backstage, apparently. For like, two hours. Nice work, crack WCW security team. Hogan and Vader end up outside the ring. Hogan is no longer wearing the strap, thus completely negating the point of a strap match. He chairshots Vader a couple of times, which is legal because "THIS IS UNCENSORED!". Thanks, Tony, missed that the first 8,000 times one of you said that. Hogan puts the strap back on and drags Vader into the ringpost a few times, Flkair and Renefake do a couple of things into the ring. Hogan whips Vader some more, and he keeps taking off the strap! Come on, Brother! Just stick with the stipulations for a few more minutes and we'll be done with this crap. Hogan is now dragging Leon around the ring, touching the OUTSIDE of the ringposts. I'm not even sure that counts, but gently caress it, let him do it. Renegade no-sells a Vader clothesline, and responds with his one move. The "ARRRRGH" shout. Hogan takes a few minutes of boring, boring abuse, then Hulks up. He hits three turnbuckles before a Masked Man runs in and chairshots Renegade. Flair does the same to Hogan and they start a beat down on him. Vader tries a somersault splash off the middle rope, landing on a chair instead. So Flair chairshots Hogan again, who no-sells and straps him. Vader is on the outside, no longer attached to the strap. This is idiotic. Hogan drags Flair around and hits the turnbuckles. This works. Whatever. Rating: 0.00 Shits I Do Not Give. The Masked Man hits the ring again, followed by a tied-up Arn Anderson, dressed as an unmasked Masked Man. The Masked Man (no, not Arn, the OTHER Masked Man) unmasks (everyone getting this?) after taking out Flair and Vader. It's Savage. I think we need to re-write the definition of "overbooked fiasco". There's still seven minutes of this show to go. I assume this is going to be six minutes of Hogan posing, and am just about to fast-forward when we get a Rarity-Pleasing Moment.  At least, I THINK she'll be pleased with this child, whose Hogan pose makes it look like he REALLLY needs the bathroom. A couple of minutes of replays and posing and we're done. Final Thoughts: I'd like to NOT think about this show, if it's all right. Because IT'S UNCENSORED! (shut up, Tony) Distorted Kiwi fucked around with this message at 20:22 on Feb 12, 2018 |
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Feb 12, 2018 09:33
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RIP the Renegade. They couldn't even spell your name right when you died.
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Feb 12, 2018 15:57
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Welcome to the WCW Toilet of Fame, little guy
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Feb 12, 2018 18:30
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Oh my God I'd heard of the King of the Road match but never really asked why it had that name. Oh my God.
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Feb 13, 2018 02:46
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It really has to be seen...or not since you can't see a goddamn thing whenever they go to the silly helicopter cam
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Feb 13, 2018 03:48
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Jerusalem posted:Oh my God I'd heard of the King of the Road match but never really asked why it had that name. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6daSPiRDzo
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Feb 13, 2018 03:57
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