The Final Fantasy VII remake

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > The Final Fantasy VII remake

The Dennis System: Aug 4, 2014; Nothing in Jurassic World is natural, we have always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. And if the genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different. But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.

Time_pants posted:

This guy loving nailed it. JRPG dialogue in general is pretty awful, but spoken aloud it's is basically an out-of-control firehose spraying a constant jet of ultra-concentrated liquid cringe at full blast, capable of instantly corroding whatever charitable sliver of respect that roommates, friends, parents, and significant others may have ever felt toward you withers and dies an excruciating, shameful death.

Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, what used to be a series of mercifully silent text boxes is now a seizure-inducing ritual of sitting perfectly still and praying for death as a cadre of teenagers dressed like a colorblind magician's sex dungeon shout and pose at each each other about the power of friendship. Finally, after decades of outdated flexibility of being able to skipping through cumbersome exposition, middle school-quality writing is brought to life through the shrill, tedious performances of memorable characters like: brooding hero, """"""comic"""""" relief, scantily-clad, ultra-sexualized love interest, and scantily-clad, ultra-sexualized, underaged love interest.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Japanese developers, these miserable conveniences have been completely modernized and updated to deliver fully-voiced, high-definition cutscenes that induce overwhelming dread and innovative, streamlined feelings helplessness as control is periodically wrested from the player unannounced to subject them to a baffling assault on the very concept of human interaction. Seconds pass like hours as nobody can muster the courage to make eye contact or look directly at the screen or even move a muscle as everyone quietly fights to keep their own skeletons from bursting free from their anguished prison and fleeing in abject shame.

This is truly what the genre has been working towards all these years.

Moms are tough.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:34

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 11:27

RobotDogPolice: Dec 1, 2016

I've already beaten VII, but not VIII or IX. Which one is most worth my time, fellow goons?

I like hearing people's opinions/criticisms.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:37

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

RobotDogPolice posted:

I've already beaten VII, but not VIII or IX. Which one is most worth my time, fellow goons?

I like hearing people's opinions/criticisms.

IX, no question

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:37

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

RobotDogPolice posted:

I've already beaten VII, but not VIII or IX. Which one is most worth my time, fellow goons?

I like hearing people's opinions/criticisms.

If you like Final Fantasy games they are both really good. But if you really had to choose for some reason; IX.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:38

DrPossum: May 15, 2004; i am not a surgeon

Time_pants posted:

This guy loving nailed it. JRPG dialogue in general is pretty awful, but spoken aloud it's is basically an out-of-control firehose spraying a constant jet of ultra-concentrated liquid cringe at full blast, capable of instantly corroding whatever charitable sliver of respect that roommates, friends, parents, and significant others may have ever felt toward you withers and dies an excruciating, shameful death.

heh I don't think you've seen this magnum opus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNauq6_9iP0

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:39

great big cardboard tube: Sep 3, 2003

If they had added the fast forward cheat in the FFX remaster I think I would have actually played it instead of wasting my money on something to sit on my shelf. I might not have made it through my 20th replay of FFVII and definitely wouldn't have made it through my 2nd replay of FFXII without that wonderful fast forward function.

I bought and kinda want to play the FFIX remaster but I'm torn between wanting to finally get Excalibur II and wanting to fully revisit the world and story and I definitely don't want to play it twice back to back to do both.

I would buy an FFVIII with fast forward in a heartbeat.

I'm retarded so I bought FFXV when it was on sale for $10 and there is no redeeming quality in that entire game as far as I can tell.

I haven't been diagnosed but I guess I have autism since I just wrote all that.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:42

Bubble Bobby: Jan 28, 2005

I want to jack off to tifa again like it's the first time...

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:45

Extra Large Marge: Jan 21, 2004; Fun Shoe

bloom posted:

I liked how easy the last fights in Final Fantasy X were if you did any of the optional stuff. Seymour comes out with his fancy final form and his mom bitchslaps him for a million damage.

It's kind of funny paying Yojimbo to one shot the final boss.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:46

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

IX, no question

# ? Feb 17, 2018 03:49

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

VIII is has more little details in character models and animations and it's summons are way better.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 04:19

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

Who What Now posted:

VIII is has more little details in character models and animations and it's summons are way better.

yes but it's so stupidly anime it hurts

# ? Feb 17, 2018 04:21

great big cardboard tube: Sep 3, 2003

Triple Triad is the best part of FFVIII and the best minigame in the entire series, it also had some cool visuals (for the time) and themes (for a jrpg) beyond that though and if you like breaking game mechanics like Bane broke Batman it has that too. It's not a masterpiece classic for the ages but it is interesting.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 04:44

Good soup!: Nov 2, 2010

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

IX, no question

# ? Feb 17, 2018 04:46

Good soup!: Nov 2, 2010

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

yes but it's so stupidly anime it hurts

by disc 3 it becomes completely and irredeemably embarrassing lol

# ? Feb 17, 2018 04:47

Scrotum Modem: Sep 12, 2014

i see they have final fantasy IX on PS4, "improved" graphics but still 4:3. thankfully they fill the black bars with something sorta like the Grim Fandango remaster. For some reason i find it easier on the eyes when the black sides get filled with something

i might check it out later

# ? Feb 17, 2018 04:53

great big cardboard tube: Sep 3, 2003

Joe Mama Poonana posted:

i see they have final fantasy IX on PS4, "improved" graphics but still 4:3. thankfully they fill the black bars with something sorta like the Grim Fandango remaster. For some reason i find it easier on the eyes when the black sides get filled with something

i might check it out later

The graphics actually do look a lot better just because it has none of that jagged edged vibrating model stuff the original suffered from and also they included fast forward. I bought it but then again I'm retarded!

# ? Feb 17, 2018 05:05

Time_pants: Jun 25, 2012; Now sauntering to the ring, please welcome the lackadaisical style of the man who is always doing something...

DrPossum posted:

heh I don't think you've seen this magnum opus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNauq6_9iP0

I'm pretty sure that we're all dead and this is hell.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 05:19

The Dennis System: Aug 4, 2014; Nothing in Jurassic World is natural, we have always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. And if the genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different. But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.

great big cardboard tube posted:

Triple Triad is the best part of FFVIII and the best minigame in the entire series, it also had some cool visuals (for the time) and themes (for a jrpg) beyond that though and if you like breaking game mechanics like Bane broke Batman it has that too. It's not a masterpiece classic for the ages but it is interesting.

Best mini game is the massage make mini game from FF X-2. :smug:

# ? Feb 17, 2018 05:51

Scrotum Modem: Sep 12, 2014

i've seen people mock the mini games of ffVII but i swear those are the most memorable parts to me

take that as you will in how you rate the game

# ? Feb 17, 2018 05:53

RobotDogPolice: Dec 1, 2016

I still have the gold saucer theme stuck in my head.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 06:07

Scrotum Modem: Sep 12, 2014

i don't

weed is awesome

# ? Feb 17, 2018 06:18

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

Joe Mama Poonana posted:

i see they have final fantasy IX on PS4, "improved" graphics but still 4:3. thankfully they fill the black bars with something sorta like the Grim Fandango remaster. For some reason i find it easier on the eyes when the black sides get filled with something

i might check it out later

you def want to play the remake because IX's biggest flaw is that it has load times from hell on random encounters and the speedup button helps ameliorate that somewhat

# ? Feb 17, 2018 06:51

Obsidianheart: Apr 26, 2017; Throwing off the shadow of a better man.

Obligatory:

# ? Feb 17, 2018 07:05

Nefarious 2.0: Apr 22, 2008; Offense is overrated anyway.

~~~finaru fantaji~~~

# ? Feb 17, 2018 07:27

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Joe Mama Poonana posted:

i've seen people mock the mini games of ffVII but i swear those are the most memorable parts to me

take that as you will in how you rate the game

You can beat the dolphin game by just jumping twice instead of trying to line it up.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 12:15

bloom: Feb 25, 2017; by sebmojo

Who What Now posted:

VIII is has more little details in character models and animations and it's summons are way better.

Trying to do realistic human models on PS1 graphics looks terrible. imho the cartoony style IX went for has aged a lot better. Played the remake of that last year and the characters look pretty good.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 12:24

Zorodius: Feb 11, 2007; EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.

Time_pants posted:

This guy loving nailed it. JRPG dialogue in general is pretty awful, but spoken aloud it's is basically an out-of-control firehose spraying a constant jet of ultra-concentrated liquid cringe at full blast, capable of instantly corroding whatever charitable sliver of respect that roommates, friends, parents, and significant others may have ever felt toward you withers and dies an excruciating, shameful death.

Thanks to the miracle of modern technology, what used to be a series of mercifully silent text boxes is now a seizure-inducing ritual of sitting perfectly still and praying for death as a cadre of teenagers dressed like a colorblind magician's sex dungeon shout and pose at each each other about the power of friendship. Finally, after decades of outdated flexibility of being able to skipping through cumbersome exposition, middle school-quality writing is brought to life through the shrill, tedious performances of memorable characters like: brooding hero, """"""comic"""""" relief, scantily-clad, ultra-sexualized love interest, and scantily-clad, ultra-sexualized, underaged love interest.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Japanese developers, these miserable conveniences have been completely modernized and updated to deliver fully-voiced, high-definition cutscenes that induce overwhelming dread and innovative, streamlined feelings helplessness as control is periodically wrested from the player unannounced to subject them to a baffling assault on the very concept of human interaction. Seconds pass like hours as nobody can muster the courage to make eye contact or look directly at the screen or even move a muscle as everyone quietly fights to keep their own skeletons from bursting free from their anguished prison and fleeing in abject shame.

This is truly what the genre has been working towards all these years.

that's a big post, but you're right.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 14:11

Wicker Man: Sep 5, 2007; Just like Columbus...; Clapping Larry

I'm princess garnet's lovingly textured butt.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 14:48

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Wicker Man posted:

I'm princess garnet's lovingly textured butt.

call me

# ? Feb 17, 2018 14:54

duck trucker: Oct 14, 2017; YOSPOS

FFX had that little bit of Yuna sideboob peeking out at ya

# ? Feb 17, 2018 15:02

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

duck trucker posted:

FFX had that little bit of Yuna sideboob peeking out at ya

Yeah and it also had Lulu, it�s definitely the best Boob-Booty-Boob combo in FF

# ? Feb 17, 2018 15:06

scott zoloft: Dec 7, 2015; yeah same

My FFVII prediction: there will be two combat modes. a ff15 style mode and a "classic" mode.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 15:55

funny song about politics: Feb 11, 2002

Looking forward to watching someone else play this for me on youtube.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 16:55

Dolphin: Dec 5, 2008; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Ocarina of Time is the best final fantasy

# ? Feb 17, 2018 17:02

Who What Now: Sep 10, 2006; by Azathoth

scott zoloft posted:

My FFVII prediction: there will be two combat modes. a ff15 style mode and a "classic" mode.

Haha, as it Squeenix would ever do more work than they have to

# ? Feb 17, 2018 17:25

man nurse: Feb 18, 2014

Bubble Bobby posted:

I want to jack off to tifa again like it's the first time...

# ? Feb 17, 2018 18:27

Time_pants: Jun 25, 2012; Now sauntering to the ring, please welcome the lackadaisical style of the man who is always doing something...

Zorodius posted:

that's a big post, but you're right.

I make big posts, and I want a biiiiiiig cereal!

# ? Feb 17, 2018 19:33

RobotDogPolice: Dec 1, 2016

FFVII is their best selling Final Fantasy game, followed by X and VIII. Not sure why they insist on making GBS threads out stuff like XIII and XV when they haven't done so well. At least they kind of learned their lesson from XIII, I dropped that one almost immediately because it was nothing but cutscenes and running down corridors. At least XV had breaks where you can explore and kill monsters.

FFIX didn't do so well, but it came out at right after the PS2 released.

RobotDogPolice fucked around with this message at 19:47 on Feb 17, 2018

# ? Feb 17, 2018 19:42

scott zoloft: Dec 7, 2015; yeah same

Who What Now posted:

Haha, as it Squeenix would ever do more work than they have to

buddy I know what you mean, but I really think they're going to pull out all the stunts for this remake. I think it'll be primarily ffxv style combat with an optional classic battle mode.

# ? Feb 17, 2018 20:03

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 11:27

Nefarious 2.0: Apr 22, 2008; Offense is overrated anyway.

scott zoloft posted:

buddy I know what you mean, but I really think they're going to pull out all the stunts for this remake. I think it'll be primarily ffxv style combat with an optional classic battle mode.

lol enjoy your type-0 combat and nothing else

# ? Feb 17, 2018 20:28

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