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What's left to choose from in the cryptids pool? The above conversation is slightly confusing.
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Feb 19, 2018 16:13
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Jay W. Friks posted:What's left to choose from in the cryptids pool? The above conversation is slightly confusing. Prompt post is updated. The kiwis are all locked in, they win a minor victory for doing so first. There are three coffeesippers left to choose their beastie.
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Feb 19, 2018 17:11
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TheGreekOwl posted:Before I offer to be in, I have issues. What the gently caress was this? A whole lot of talk and not a lot of walk, that's what I tell ya. Let's take your "Philosophy of art" and apply it to "Actually producing art" and let's see that redemption.
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Feb 19, 2018 17:11
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Chili posted:Prompt post is updated. Thanks Chili. I'll go with Man Eating Tree
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Feb 19, 2018 17:27
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It occurs to me this morning that my story is quite a legibility challenge so if you don't have a printer to print it out and spin the page pm me and I'll share the source text.
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Feb 19, 2018 17:32
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I guess I'll go with the Manananggal?? Interesting fact, Manananggal in reverse is Laggnananam.
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Feb 19, 2018 17:55
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And that locks in Canty for the Loch Ness Monster. Alrighty everyone, be on the lookout for your theme word, probably later today.
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Feb 19, 2018 18:01
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Tyrannosaurus posted:Beethoven's Favorite Fruit Interprompt crit: would work better with 'favorite ice cream flavor' and 'banana nut'.
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Feb 19, 2018 23:43
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WEEK 289 RESULTS Also, thanks for not making me regret all of my life choices, goons.
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Feb 20, 2018 04:35
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Here you go, assholes. sandnavyguy: Tense Sentence fragments. Story fragments. Parentheticals about memory and loss of control. Not sure what colors symbolize other than red (death, violence, blood) and water and water-related seem to be tagged green (sickness, toxicity?) and I guess gray (vagueness, stupor). Obvious call to house of leaves. Typical story. I liked the loss of time but that's the only thing I really enjoyed. 2/5 Crain: CASE No. 67-042, Exhibit 03, A-E Interesting format. The story is typical but the presentation creates a sense of dread early on, and the final letter is written so differently (Karla being capitalized, different paper, different way of speaking, words not crossed out, signature wrong) that you don't even have to spell out what happened. 4/5 SurreptitiousMuffin: When it broke, all the color ran out Like synesthesia. Oh, it is. That and childish innocence and death. 3/5 anime was right: The Two-Door Machine The Fly-ish. Typoes. A new person like a child or an amalgamation like a 3D collage? Must be the latter. 3/5 Jay W. Friks: Let Us In There is a story here. Thing is in, thing is warned about the voices, thing is suddenly out and wants back in, thing turns into voices, cyclical. 3/5 spectres of autism: I'm Kin Not sure what breaking is or why shadows matter. And then suddenly we are the other person. And talking to Geometria breaks minds and people. 2.5/5 Nethilia: BFF Warning level: 0%. 80%. Not an original story but an original format. 4/5 Antivehicular: Call and Response Fun with formatting and fonts! Fascinating story, gut punch of a punchline. 4/5 Thranguy: Haunted by Numbers Slowly going backwards in time to reveal the interesting thing (Will is Marty's uncle?), but there's more weird stuff in the background you don't touch on. Why Brevards? 3/5 Maigius: After the Crash Huh. I enjoy the twist that it's not a car the narrator was driving. Second person didn't bother me, well used. 3/5 Solitair: Six Questions About the Death of Greta Mandelbrot You give me a glimpse of a magical world. Magical conflict. Sadly, “his face tearing at my fingers” and disconnected, disjointed storytelling. Things don't feel connected to the world, everything is happening in a white bleh. 2.5/5 Fuzzy Mammal: Spiral It's rude not to post a transcript when you play with legibility. I know you offered one but I don't want to have to beg in order to read a goddamn story. MSPaint saved your sorry rear end and let me appreciate how the story both is and tells a downward spiral. You're still getting docked a point for being rude. 2/5
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Feb 20, 2018 04:38
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 i'll get neth's SS box out this week
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Feb 20, 2018 04:59
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CantDecideOnAName posted:Here you go, assholes. Thanks CantDecide
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Feb 20, 2018 05:04
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Thunderdome CCXC: Fiasco Week 2: Return to the Chicken Hut For this week, I'm stealing/recycling a prompt from Thranguy from Week 197 (thanks/sorry, Thranguy). The short explanation is as follows: Fiasco is a roleplaying game about powerful ambition and poor impulse control, in which players act out the doomed schemes and awkward fates of low-level criminals, small-town lowlifes, and other people you might find in a Coen Brothers film. The game uses "playsets" to structure character relationships and narrative elements. For this week, I'm going to be using Fiasco playsets to assign narrative elements for your story. When you sign up, post the name of a Fiasco playset from the post that follows. (For those who know the game: core book, Companion, and Anthology playsets are in play.) If you just post "In," I will choose a playset semi-arbitrarily, and you might not like it. I will generate the narrative elements of a standard three-player Fiasco setup from that playbook for you: three character relationships, a location, an object, and a need some character has, plus a Tilt (plot twist or shift in action). Use those components to craft your story. Note that you don't have to keep things as tight as a Fiasco playset might -- you don't need to concentrate everything in the hands of only three characters -- and tone and genre is up to you; Fiasco playsets tend towards low-level crime stories and black humor, but you're not required to go that route if something else suggests itself. As with Thranguy before me, I will not be judging harshly based on absolute use of everything you're assigned, just on general "can I see some part of the prompt here?" You'll be getting a story toolkit -- make of it as you will. No fanfiction, erotica, screeds, Google Docs, quote tags, etc. Word Count: 1500 (please do not make me regret this) Signups Close: 11:59 PM Pacific time, Friday, February 23rd Submissions Close: 11:59 PM Pacific time, Sunday, February 25th Judges: Antivehicular Unfunny Poster ??? someone else ??? The Ambitious and Impulsive: 1. Crain (The Ice) 2. sandnavyguy (Lucky Strike) 3. MockingQuantum (Back to the Old House) 4. Djeser (White Hole) 5. Flesnolk (Nice Southern Town) 6. Thranguy (News Channel 6) 7. Fuschia tude (De Medici) 8. Chairchucker (Touring Rock Band) 9. Deltasquid (The Penthouse) 10. Bad Seafood (Tartan Noir) 11. apophenium (Manna Hotel) 12. CascadeBeta (Last Frontier) 13. Hawklad (Home Invasion) 14. sparksbloom (News Channel 6) 15. Lazy Beggar (Tartan Noir) 16. QuoProQuid (Boomtown) 17. BabyRyoga (The Zoo) 18. starr (Jet City) 19. Chainmail Onesie (Mission to Mercury) 20. Tyrannosaurus (Salem 1692) 21. cptn_dr (Pen Show) Antivehicular fucked around with this message at 02:48 on Feb 24, 2018 |
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Feb 20, 2018 05:20
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BIG LIST OF FIASCO PLAYSETS TO CHOOSE FROM: A Nice Southern Town Boomtown Tales from Suburbia The Ice Fiasco High Regina's Wedding Vegas Mission to Mercury Lucky Strike Reconstruction Flyover Manna Hotel 1913 New York Transatlantic Dallas November 1963 London 1593 Dragon Slayers Objective Zebra The Jersey Side Quest for the Golden Panda News Channel 6 Town and Gown Break a Leg The Penthouse Horse Fever Red Front Camp Death DC73 The Zoo Los Angeles 1936 De Medici Havana 1953 White Hole Hollywood Wives Salem 1692 Home Invasion Flight 1880 Saturday Night 78 HK TPK Heroes of Pinnacle City Back to the Old House Living Dead Tartan Noir Touring Rock Band 2 Rat Patrol Last Frontier Gangster London Touring Rock Band Nut People Pen Show Jet City
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Feb 20, 2018 05:23
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IN, The Ice.
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Feb 20, 2018 05:24
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I must defend my tarnished honor, IN. Dealer's choice, only thing wild is the narrative.
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Feb 20, 2018 05:30
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I'm up to judge if allowed.
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Feb 20, 2018 05:36
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In, Back to the Old House
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Feb 20, 2018 05:50
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In with my old highschool nickname White Hole
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Feb 20, 2018 05:58
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 flerpmojo brawl results So I'm going to say straight up: I liked both of these stories. I enjoyed comparing the drafts with the final products. In both cases, the first draft felt kind of thin and aimless. Both of you were clearly groping for some emotion or insight, but it was under realized. In both cases, the second draft managed to refine elements present in the first. So overall, I was very pleased to get a snapshot of your respective processes. I hope it was a helpful exercise. That said, I do have to choose a winner. To be honest, I knew it was going to be a challenge since you both tend to write stories that are my poo poo. Which is why I requested the aid of my esteemed co-judge!  Right, let's get to some crits. These will address the final drafts only, since ideally that is the only version of the story your reader ever sees. I mean, I know it's you two, so your readers are accustomed to first draft slag, but for the moment we can at least pretend you have some modicum of diligence. Sebmojo: This is a story about a man named smebojo who meets an unfathomable femoid who, with her inscrutable mumblecore wisdom, attempts to drag him along through a deeply oceanic metaphor (plus a lot of oceanic similes)for his own aimlessness. The writing was fun and whimsical and generally pleasant to read--it always feel more like you're playing with the words rather than using them. I liked all the metaphorical stuff better than my co-judge, but the more I thought about it, the more it felt like a story I would've written a few years ago. Your metaphorscape is cool, the supporting character is cool, but the main character is kind of just a ragdoll for the physics of the story to throw around. But okay, this is about exploring this guy's drifty existence and the choices he makes and/or doesn't make. He proves that "sink or swim" is a false dichotomy because you can always just waft around in your personal rip tide. What irks me is the ending. The dude predictably doesn't follow the lady. Fine. But she just walks off into the ocean, and we're left to sort of cinch up your metaphor in our own imaginations. I guess the mundane interpretation is that she swam off into the Sea of Not Dating Him Anymore Because He's Too Passive About Life. It's not like I'm confused as to your intention for the ending. It's just that like, "free, whimsical girlfriend farts off into the sea while humdrum man contemplates all the regret he's about to feel" is an ending I've seen too many times for comfort. Flerp Exmond described this as crow TnA and I think he was absolutely right. I said pander, you pandered! I was sort of like, um wow, that was very direct but...then I thought back to all of the bird-related stories you've written. This would definitely fit in that anthology, if you were to make some sort of "dumb idiot writes about sad birds" anthology  . This piece has less plot than sebmojo's , but its metaphor is more refined and creates a stronger throughline. I find it hard to put into words my interpretation of stories like this, but dammit i'll fumble my way through it. Crowbro has accepted its fate, but the human watching over it in its final moments can't accept it. The crow knows it's a bird, knows birds can fly, and so as long as it's a crow, it should never be able to forget how to fly, even in death. You get the sense that this is intensely lonely for the narrator; they feel powerful pain on behalf of a creature they can't even properly comfort or eulogize. I empathized with the helpless sorrow of the narrator, which gave me a strong connection to the piece.Results! As I said, I liked both pieces. My critique of mojo's bordered on snarky, but it was genuinely a pleasurable little brawl to judge. After talking it over with my co-judge, though, we agreed that the focused metaphor and emotional impact of flerp's story wins the day. Thanks for playing!
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Feb 20, 2018 06:17
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Nice Southern Town
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Feb 20, 2018 06:30
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Theme Words:
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Feb 20, 2018 07:00
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in, News Channel Six
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Feb 20, 2018 07:46
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In, De MediciJay W. Friks posted:Week 279-How to Write a Story Crits Part 3 Thanks for the crits~
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Feb 20, 2018 07:57
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in gimme a thing
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Feb 20, 2018 08:21
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In, but the Fiasco lingo might as well be gibberish to me. Spell it out like I'm a child please
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Feb 20, 2018 10:59
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In with Tartan Noir.Deltasquid posted:In, but the Fiasco lingo might as well be gibberish to me. Spell it out like I'm a child please https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2tY82z3xXU
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Feb 20, 2018 11:29
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Deltasquid posted:In, but the Fiasco lingo might as well be gibberish to me. Spell it out like I'm a child please The basic format is this: A Fiasco "game" setup involves rolling dice to determine random story elements (The Relationships, Needs, etc that Anti mentioned) and then fitting those into the Fiasco story arc of Act 1, Tilt, Act 2, Aftermath. Basically the playset looks like this: code:Basically, for whichever set you choose/get (you can try to check what they are here: http://fiascoplaysets.com/ for a basic idea of the theme) Antivehicular will roll the dice for you and, like he said, Give you the resulting story elements: -Relationships (For 3 characters) -Needs (for those characters) -Location where stuff happens -Objects -A Tilt or Plot Twist. Take those, make a story.
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Feb 20, 2018 13:18
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In, Manna Hotel
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Feb 20, 2018 13:59
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I understood what Antivehicular meant but I didn't know wtf to imagine with "HK TPK" or "Break a Leg" or whatnot. Thanks for the link to the playsets, that's what I needed.
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Feb 20, 2018 14:57
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In, Last Frontier. because I can't get myself to keep deadlines.
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Feb 20, 2018 16:12
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IN, hit me with whatever.
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Feb 20, 2018 16:52
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In news channel 6
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Feb 20, 2018 22:05
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In. Tartan Noir, please.
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Feb 20, 2018 22:53
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Sitting Here posted:
Ty for judging, good brawl. flerp I'll have my revenge when the stars can find some time in their busy schedule.
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Feb 20, 2018 23:03
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Since these prompts are long, I'm going to be doing them in groups of five to keep the posts manageable. If you're confused about context, please check Fiascoplaysets.com for your playset!Crain posted:IN, The Ice. Relationship: The only survivors Relationship: Dorm room bunkies Relationship: Clandestine collaborators Location: Inside Mt. Erebus, above the lava lake Object: A dead seal Need: To get even with a scientist Tilt: Magnificent self-destruction sandnavyguy posted:I must defend my tarnished honor, IN. Dealer's choice, only thing wild is the narrative. Your playset is Lucky Strike! Relationship: Secret murderers Relationship: Fish-out-of-water farm boys Relationship: Poker buddies Location: Beneath the auditorium stage Object: Colonel's war booty, secured in an oddly heavy crate Need: To get out of the war, which is driving you insane Tilt: Cold-blooded score-settling MockingQuantum posted:In, Back to the Old House Relationship: Cleaner and dirt Relationship: One heard the voices, one made the plan Relationship: "It made us from the same old bones" Location: "Feeding paraphernalia" room Object: Instruction manual Need: To be loved by the mourners Tilt: Someone is watching, waiting for their moment Djeser posted:In with my old highschool nickname White Hole Relationship: Honor among thieves Relationship: "We discovered the thing together." Relationship: "Medal or not, I know you were a coward." Location: F7 Ax'Tularian blood worm chamber Object: Metal cylinder containing a scalp Need: To be exonerated, so you can go home Tilt: Misdirected passion Flesnolk posted:Nice Southern Town Relationship: Distant/unusual/unofficial relatives Relationship: Civic volunteers (election officials, chambers, clubs) Relationship: Former spouses Location: Chicken Hut, fast food restaurant Object: New pickup truck Need: To get respect from your lover by taking the fall Tilt: Something precious is on fire
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Feb 21, 2018 03:33
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Thranguy posted:in, News Channel Six Relationship: You and the dude who got fired last week Relationship: Faked family Relationship: Odd couple room-mates Location: In the big sinkhole behind Buddy's garage Object: Lucky couch Need: To get laid by the local celebrity or politician Tilt: Somebody develops a conscience Fuschia tude posted:In, De Medici Relationship: Relic peddler and religious zealot Relationship: Protector and protected Relationship: Chaste, yet burning for one another Location: The medicinal garden at Cosimo's court Object: Newborn bastard Need: To defend Florence from her own ungodly vanity Tilt: A dangerous animal (perhaps metaphorical) gets loose Chairchucker posted:in gimme a thing Relationship: Public enemies, private friends Relationship: You owe him your life Relationship: Former member of the band/tour personnel Location: Above the stage Object: Trailer full of theatrical lights Need: To get wasted with some cool local teenagers Tilt: Greed leads to killing Deltasquid posted:In, but the Fiasco lingo might as well be gibberish to me. Spell it out like I'm a child please I hope it's a bit clearer now? Anyway, you got The Penthouse. Relationship: Grave robber and dealer in antiquities Relationship: Friendship ended after one humiliated the other Relationship: Heartbreak Location: Supply closet - rusting barrels are stacked to the ceiling Object: Life-size pink marble statue of Superman Need: To get out of this fire Tilt: Death, right on time Bad Seafood posted:In with Tartan Noir. Relationship: One-night standees Relationship: Doctor and patient Relationship: Neds with a proud set of ASBOs Location: Backpackers' hostel Object: Bottle of rat poison Need: Tae get home, 'cause you've got no loving clue where you've woken up Tilt: Someone panics
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Feb 21, 2018 03:41
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apophenium posted:In, Manna Hotel Relationship: Manna high school football Relationship: Stepchildren Relationship: Insane jealousy Location: Tornado shelter, its steel door rusted thin Object: Mercedes with a rotten smell Need: To get rich enough to buy your safety Tilt: Confusion, followed by pain CascadeBeta posted:In, Last Frontier. Relationship: Current boat crew Relationship: Cheerful competitors Relationship: Distant relatives through obscure lineage Location: Alaska Magic gifts and cards Object: Purebred Weimeraner with an ear tattoo Need: To get out of this town, because you have big dreams Tilt: The wrong guy gets busted Hawklad posted:IN, hit me with whatever. You get Home Invasion! Relationship: Husband and husband Relationship: Treasurer and thief Relationship: Home business partners Location: Long-occupied house without a stick of furniture in it Object: Calcination chamber, fully prepared Need: To get over nameless fear that may soon have a name Tilt: A frantic chase sparksbloom posted:In news channel 6 Relationship: Moonlighting as thieves Relationship: You and your counterpart from Action News 11 Relationship: "We've been through hell and high water together" Location: In the control room Object: "Happy Bear" costume Need: To get rich through a secret I learned at work Tilt: The thing you stole has been stolen Lazy Beggar posted:In. Tartan Noir, please. Relationship: Mates since school/college Relationship: Ex-spouses Relationship: In-laws Location: Under the city in Mary King's Close Object: Passworded laptop Need: Tae get payback on ma/daw for what they did when you were young Tilt: A stranger arrives to settle a score
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Feb 21, 2018 03:50
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Week 289 Crits Hello, I am dumb and stayed up too late because my city shuts down over one inch of snow, so here are some crits of varying quality: Before I say anything else about this week, I have to say that I really enjoyed most of the stories, even the ones on the “low” end were pretty fun to read, and I (usually) saw what you were going for, and enjoyed it. If I had any general gripes at all, it would be that when you’re posting pictures, it’s probably best to make sure that your pictures line up and/or have some semblance of uniformity to them. I understand that not everyone has a good setup to edit photos, but even with screenshots, you can try to make sure they’re all of roughly the same width. If you have Windows, I cannot recommend the Snipping Tool highly enough, and if you’re a Mac user, cmd+shift+4 is your friend. Anyway, that’s really my only very minor complaint, so thanks for not making me hate my life as much as I thought that I would when I decided to use this prompt. Tense Oh boy. You know, despite your DMing this week, I didn’t hate this story, and I appreciated what you were trying to do with your format, even if it felt a little uninspired (you weren’t the only person who seemed to think that changing the color of words on occasion was the Way To Go, so I don’t blame you). However, you committed some sins in this that were a little difficult to look past, namely that you put a lot of information into the background of your story without a lot of explanation or clarity to aid your reader in deciphering your meaning. What was the well? What was the rock that he gave his son? What was the power that possessed him, and perhaps continued to do so while he was in the hospital? Do you know? That wasn’t particularly clear, either (and I’m saying that as someone who has been guilty of exactly that on more than one occasion). You had a lot of ideas here, and not all of them were bad at all, but you needed a little more thought and a little more cohesion (and maybe a few hundred more words) to make them all work together. If it were me and I wanted to rewrite this, I’d ditch the colors entirely, since I don’t think that they added anything to the story particularly, and try to add some more context to your character (Derrick? You threw that name in towards the end and I was unclear on whether it was your POV character or not) and what happened with Bobby and why. CASE No. 67-042, Exhibit 03, A-E I’ll admit that I needed the subtleties of your last card and what they implied explained to me, so I didn’t get as much out of this on the first readthrough as I might have. In my defense, I think that I was so focused on trying to figure out what was going on with the background characters (John, Janet, Dave, etc.) that I may have missed the forest for the trees. To that end, I think that you had a LOT of unnecessary information in your text that only served to distract from the story you were trying to tell. Honestly, this seemed so all over the place to me. I didn’t even catch that Karla was Milton’s daughter until the second readthrough, maybe because of the distraction of the typos, maybe because there was a lot to figure out very quickly about what was happening, or maybe because it never occured to me that a father would sign his first name on letters to his daughter. The voice in general wasn’t very strong (or come off as very fatherly to me), and the characterization was weak, so I didn’t have much emotional resonance with anything. This probably would have gotten a DM from me left to my own devices, but there’s enough of an idea here (and other people seemed to like it enough) that it got a pass. When it broke, all the colour ran out I was a little disappointed by this. I was saving this one during readthroughs because I was excited to see what you came up with (and I happen to be extremely fond of your stories and poetry), but this felt a little… I don’t know, uninspired? You’re so good at writing strange and simultaneously touching things, I really expected more soul from this piece. That, plus synesthesia seemed a little obvious for a week where people were encouraged to play with color. I don’t know. I feel a little bad, since you seemed to feel confined by the prescription of a narrative arc, but having read some of your poetry before, I can’t even say that I would have objected to more of a free-form entry this week. I like to have some sense of something happening, but I think that there are plenty of poems that do this without having a lot of character development per se (including my absolute favorite), so maybe it was a mistake on my part to say that. I think a lot of what I put into the prompt post was based on my own experiences with trying and failing to use different forms well, so maybe that was why I felt like I had to put that in there, and for any part that that may have played in your feeling like you needed to limit or change your entry for this, I apologize. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. If I hadn’t known that this was your piece, I probably wouldn’t have been quite as disappointed as I was; there’s nothing objectionable about this piece, and it isn’t bad at all, it’s just not what I was hoping for, and that’s okay. Sorry I don’t have more specific feedback to give you. The Two-Door Machine I liked what you did with the text justification standing for each different character in the story; I felt that it was a clever way to tie in with the themes without being overly obstrusive to the reader’s experience. The story itself was a little thin, and I felt the ending felt a little like a self-parody. I get the body horror that you were trying to go for, but I think that it just didn’t land very well, and maybe didn’t (to me) feel like it meshed well with the rest of the narrative. Specifically the listing of added or missing body parts was a little silly and took away from the almost poignant feeling of the preceding text. I do think that you could do some cool things with this and end up with a good piece, though. Let Us In Okay, I really liked this one, although I appeared to be the only one of the judges who did. I didn’t 100% understand what was going on all the time (and maybe you didn’t either? As I've said in other crits this week, I’ve been guilty of that myself more than once), but I think sometimes that’s okay. I liked the lyricism of this, and the cyclical nature of the narrative. If you wanted to improve on it, though it would be a good idea to make things a little clearer (to both your audience and yourself). I'm Kin Oh mannnnn, you always have such big interesting ideas, and I feel like you end up leaving a lot of them out (or unsaid), and it leaves everyone feeling a little dazed and frustrated. You (as always) had a lot of really cool, dream-like elements that you play with throughout the piece, but I felt like there was maybe a missing third or fourth part to this that would give more context or connection between the two halves and the shadows that they shared. Like, it’s kind of your style to not do that, but I always love your stories when you manage to make your readers feel included in your world, rather than like a bystander in someone else’s fever dream. Also, off of any subject whatsoever, there were parts of this that reminded me of House of Suns by Alastair Reynolds, which you might like? Just in case you’re looking for books; I always am, so I thought I’d throw it out there.  BFF I totally yelled “Noooooo!” aloud when I saw the format you’d chosen for this (I think probably reflexively), but you won me over. There wasn’t a ton of depth here, but I appreciated that it was a good solid story, and your dedication to form had me reliving a few very uncomfortable years, which was… good? I honestly don’t know if this story would resonate quite as much with someone younger, as I think part of its charm is the vicarious reexperiencing of middle/high school drama, which I am obviously into since I chose to deal with teenagers for the rest of my life. Anyway, sweet story, nice attention to detail, good job. Call and Response Speaking of yelling out loud when I first saw things, this one had my exclaiming over how cool I thought this concept was. I’ll admit that I’m a real sucker for hidden messages, and I thought that your idea of showing how David was using his mother’s words to fight his way back to consciousness was hands-down the best use of format-narrative interplay that I saw this week. Honestly, I think that was what pushed me over the edge as far as giving you the win went - not that it wasn’t a good story, but the ending was a little weak (and unclear), and there was at least one other story that I felt was more compelling overall (although apparently no one agreed with me on that, so who knows), but this for me was the perfect balance of story and form, which is what I said at the beginning I was looking for. Very nice! Haunted by Numbers I really, REALLY liked this one. I’m into nonlinear poo poo, and I enjoyed the slowly unraveling mystery of who and what William was. This was actually my initial pick for win, although I feel that you had some things that detracted from the story itself: there were a few questions left unanswered by the end of the story in my mind, and I felt that your explanation of Julie being “special” without further explanation felt like a bit of a cop-out. Maybe I missed something, but none of the other judges seemed to have any more of an idea than I did. I also felt that, while the non-linear format of the story worked very well, the format (and the numbers motif) didn’t serve any purpose other than to keep information from your readers (and having now said this, I feel a little guilty for coming down so hard on this week’s loser for their twist ending, but OH WELL, TOO LATE NOW). Regardless, I think with a little more polish and some extra length this could be a truly sterling piece. After the Crash Ugggghhhhh, I haaaaaate twist endings. Admittedly, I hate them the way that I do because I’ve written enough “clever” twist endings myself that I now cringe at them out of pure Pavlovian instinct. Seriously, my very first (off-topic) story in the ‘dome resulted in Sebmojo chastising me for writing a Secretly a Dog story, so don’t feel too bad. I think the real issue with twists is that they’re lazy, in the same way that one-note joke stories are lazy; you come up with an idea and spend the entire story concealing that thing from your reader, with the intention of the reveal serving as a substitute for resolution. The combination of that with ALIENS was what got you the loss, but I honestly didn’t hate this, just like I didn’t really hate anything this week. This would have been fine in a different week, probably. That’s just how it goes, sometimes. Six Questions About the Death of Greta Mandelbrot Okay, a few issues here: One, you really didn’t do anything interesting with your use of form. You put the words referring to Greta in green, but why? What did that contribute to your story or narrative? It felt like you just did it so your story would meet the form requirement, since you didn’t have anything else going on, really. It also meant that it was annoying to figure out what the titles of each of the questions was - instead of copying and pasting, I had to type things manually into Google to figure out what they meant, which, of course, wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but meant that I didn’t realize the time span of your narrative until well after my initial reading. I like the alternative history vibe you were going for, but I feel like there wasn’t enough there for your reader to really understand the universe that you were sketching for them, and it felt like kind of a jumbled mess. Again, this is something that I myself have done in the past, so I feel for you on this one. I think a good rule of thumb is that if you’re spending a lot of time thinking hard about how to phrase things so you’re not “giving anything away,” your reader is probably going to be annoyed by it. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what happened here, but it felt a little like it. You had a lot going on in the background and not enough in focus (so to speak) to make any of it land. Spiral So I actually liked the format on this one, and being the only judge (I assume) who actually worked with spiraling text in Photoshop this week, I don’t blame you as much as I might for your legibility issues. Whatever program you used wrought havoc on the text itself, though, so that was a little disappointing. So yes, I liked how your format directly mirrored the theme of your story, and I think that out of all of the entries this week, you were the one who did the best job with this. Unfortunately, the story itself was underwhelming, and the legibility issues drew the ire of the other judges. I feel like the themes that you had were handled somewhat hamfistedly, and the story could have done a lot better if you had focused on a shorter time period, and pared down what you chose to include. Cutting the opening scene at the football game would be an easy way to free up words that would better serve elsewhere; maybe add some more characterization while you’re at it, and try to add some complexity beyond the (somewhat predictable) circumstances you’ve described here. Also, for heaven's sake, use a better photo editor next time. curlingiron fucked around with this message at 11:15 on Feb 21, 2018 |
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Feb 21, 2018 11:06
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tanks for the crits
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Feb 21, 2018 18:36
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