Ride The Gravitron posted:

https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-owning-cool-leather-jacket-more-rewarding-t-1819573356

Hugh Malone posted:

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-owning-cool-leather-jacket-more-rewarding-t-1819573356

I only browse occasionally but is this dude just passing off the onion as his own work or is there a joke I'm missing

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

That's cool, I just missed the point. Thanks for the explanation

UWBW posted:

Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza when you get home from work. Pizza when you pet the cat. Pizza when you cry into your ice cream and lie on the couch. Pizza for when you think of Jennifer. Pizza for when you you hug your mom. Pizza for when you see a dog. Pizza for when you picture Jennifer rubbing Brad's dick through his pants at the Christmas party last year and wrote it off as a drunken mistake. Pizza when you see a cute lil' bird out the window. Pizza when you stare at the scale and realize you've gained 14 pounds in two months. Pizza after hitting the gym. Pizza when you laugh at a funny joke. Pizza when your wallet is empty. Pizza when you scrub the blood out of the floorboards but it stains, how it stains, and it won't come out. Pizza for when you describe to the police how you and Brad were actually rather close friends. Pizza for Jennifer, who sobs into your arms. Pizza for when you take advantage of a woman's suffering. Pizza for two kids later and she can't leave you now. Pizza at suppertime. When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time!

blaise rascal posted:

Girl: That was terrible.

Me: Couldn't be. I have 7 goldmined threads in the official Something Awful sex subforum.

FluffieDuckie posted:

as the new mod of sexforum, i'll be mailing these to everyone who gets a thread goldmined.

you know, to wear on dates

cda posted:

After 15 years I got burned out on smoking and decided to quit. It was just too much trouble buying the packs, and unwrapping them, and tapping them to make the tobacco denser, and opening the pack, and taking a cigarette out, and putting the pack in my left pocket and putting my other hand in my right pocket, and closing my hand around the lighter in my right pocket using only my tactile sense to guide me, and pulling upward with my right arm muscles to pull my hand out of my pocket, and adjusting the lighter in my hand with my fingers so that the strike wheel was situated near my thumb, and parting my lips slightly in preparation for placing the cigarette between them, and positioning the cigarette between the second and middle fingers of my left hand, and moving my left arm to place the cigarette in my mouth while with my right I placed the lighter in front of and slightly below the cigarette so that when I moved my thumb downward on the strike wheel, bringing it to rest on the lever that unblocked the chamber with the fuel in it, allowing a small amount of butane to escape just as the spark produced by the friction of the wheel on the flint came into being, a flame was created that began to burn the paper wrapping of the cigarette, and then at that moment, inhaling deeply so as to give more oxygen to the flame while simultaneously drawing it towards the cigarette and allowing the flame to catch in the tobacco so that the smoke would enter my lungs.

Too many steps. Now I just breathe.

Flavius Belisarius posted:

this is from a while back, but my friends made a bet that whoever's team lost a certain game, that person would have to have their portrait painted by me in the opposing team's jersey



also made this still-life recently while giving my friend an intro to painting crash course (although i'm not an expert myself!)

joke_explainer posted:

One thing us new yorkers love to do is to visit the grand pyramids of the ancient pharaohs. You worried about osiris measuring your heart against a feather to grant access to the afterlife? Fuhgetaboutit!! this is new york baby!

cda posted:

cda posted:
I never thought it could happen to me.
My pipes were clogged, the water couldn't come.
I called for help. They sent a plumber out.
To my surprise it was a woman! Tall,
and lean and limber. Wow. She knew just how
To turn her wrist to loosen nuts and soon
My pipes began to rumble, I could tell
That this was gonna be a gusher, so
While she was on her knees, working the wrench,
Pert tits straining her plumbers uniform,
I cried "watch out, this duct is gonna blow!"
She smiled and said "That's okay I'm a pro.
This job gets messy. That's my favorite part,"
Then winked, that's when my faucet spurted hot.
Six days of blocked up flow cleared out at once.
She made a satisfied small noise and stood.
I asked her what she charged. She licked her lips.
"Three hundred bucks, but this was fun, So it's on me."

Thingyman posted:

i came, i saw, i turned it into a sick sweater vest

Thingyman posted:

veni, vidi, vesti

Piso Mojado posted:

e - end racism
n - never going to be a racist
d - dont even try starting racism again once this is over

r - racism,
a - already over it
c - cool? Nope.
i - i dont think so (response when asked if i support racism)
s - sex, hav it instead of racism
m - more racism (for me to poop on!!)

Manifisto posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcjhCh3POK4

cda posted:

Nosfereefer posted:

amrica_post_9-11.jpeg

TVsVeryOwn posted:

cda posted:

alnilam posted:

can someone think of a spring version of my av like maybe a flower and a bird in there or something

e: orig

Manifisto posted:

joke_explainer posted:

Maybe some background information would be helpful. 'Shaq Uncut' is a very strange book. Part of it just talks about his life, but a vast section of it deals with his ongoing crisis starting in 1996 with a very strange organization that would follow him for years, maybe even to this day.

Shaquille O'Neal" posted:

Chapter 4

The Incident

Playing basketball at that level opened up doors I never thought existed, but it also opened me up to new threats. I felt like the biggest star there was, unstoppable, but everyone wanted their piece. Everybody wanted my name on everything, or for me to be in their commercials, everything. I was even cast as a genie in a movie that revealed national security secrets by accident, and the government had to do a massive conspiracy to remove all copies of it. Movies were far from the strangest paycheck I earned. The reason I was inspired to write this book was because of what was pitched as the strangest promotion of all, and it put me in the most frightful situation of my life.

On my schedule for the day, I was meeting with representatives from the ACC. Atlantic Coast Conference, alright, cool, wonder what they wanted? I still don't know if it was a trick all along, or the hotel just sent me to the wrong conference room, but I immediately knew something was wrong. It was just a room full of a variety of men in suits, all looking very smug. So far so normal. But as I sat down, that's when the strangeness started.

"Mr. O'Neal. I'm Jeff Cordon. Pleasure to meet you. I must say I'm surprised you agreed to the meeting, most atheletes don't see this as a relevant issue."

I replied, "Just Shaq is fine. What, the ACC? That's a very important collegiate basketball association, and basketball is one thing I know a lot about, Mr. Cordon."

Polite chuckles sounded out around the room. Cordon smiled at me.

"No,... Shaq. We're the American Circumcision Council. We promote... issues regarding circumcision in America. And we'd love for you to be the face of circumcision. We've already prepared some proposals."

I was a little confused. "What, so like, you're anti-circumcision? I'm not sure I really wanna draw down on either side of that debate, Mr. Cordon."

The room looked a little anxious all the sudden.

"Oh, no, Shaq. We're pro-circumcision. We think the ideal form of the human penis is circumcised. And you could help make that dream a reality. Did you know less people are getting circumcised every year?"

I looked around a little nervously. What? "No. No, I did not know that."

"And it's only getting worse. We could be looking at a future where every penis is trapped within a thick caul of thoroughly disturbing skin. Evolution could even lead to that caul thickening until penises are lost... forever."

"That sounds extremely unlikely, Mr. Cordon."

"It's science, Shaq."

I made to stand up. "Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid I just couldn't get behind this sort of thing. I would prefer less controversial topics."

"No, please! Hear us out! We'll pay billions!"

I sat dumbstruck. Billions? I was starting to think something was seriously wrong with this guy. Two of the other men quietly got up and left... then closed the door, and I heard a latch turn. I got up and went to the door, turning the knob. Locked.

"What the hell are you playing at, Cordon? Open this door immediately."

The strange businessmen shook his head slowly. "Ten billion dollars. Just tell me why you'd turn that down."

Flabberghasted, I couldn't think of much. I just said, "Well, I'm not circumcised for one. How could I be the face of circumcision if I'm not circumcised?"

Many of the men in the room covered their faces or just plain looked green. The idea of being in a room with an uncircumcised man was extremely disturbing to them, I could tell, but I was getting the heck out of this meeting. Then Cordon drew a bowie knife the size of my face from an ankle sheath, a disturbing sound of metal sliding out of the clasp.

"It's no problem. We can fix it right now. I'm very good." He moved toward me and the fight was on. I was in a struggle for survival: The survival of my dick.

BoldFrankensteinMir posted:

Stock footage of men unloading crates of stock footage. One holds a strip up to the light for inspection- he sees himself nodding in approval as he inspects stock footage. He nods in approval to the camera crew.

joke_explainer posted:

Delta Airlines Loyalty Program Terms and Conditions

1. Delta’s Loyalty program is open to any person in any country that has not prohibited participation in loyalty programs.
   
   
2. Corporations and/or non-person entities cannot be enrolled as members.
   
   
3. Members must provide full true name to participate in the Loyalty program. Full true name means the given name, middle name, if any, and family or surname. Additionally, any bloodline names, clan names, or any other name essential for any type of incantation. Full name must be the same on the Member’s passport or any other valid travel document (i.e. Visa, Resident Alien Card, identicube). Members will be assigned an individual membership number upon enrollment which must be printed upon the Member's body permanently. Members also will receive a digital membership token that may be implanted in the wrist to speed up processing.
   
   
4. Membership numbers are non-transferable.
   
   
5. Membership is limited to a single Loyalty program account.
   
   
6. Members may not maintain a relationship with any other airline, as they have sworn loyalty to Delta Airlines. Additionally, members are to refuse outside contact from other airlines. If another Airline attempts to service you, you must inform Delta Airlines immediately as a matter of honor.
   
   
7. Loyalty contract validity remains in full force until the death of the participating member.
   
   
8. Death before dishonor.
   
   
9. (classified)
   
   
10. Participating members in good standing are eligible for training at the Delta Sky Club Lounge & Monastery for initiation into martial secrets. Guests may be admitted with participating members with an oath of secrecy bound in blood.
    
    
11. To enroll your child in the Loyalty program, they must first complete three rites of passage to prove their worthiness to access the benefits of lifelong loyalty to Delta. At the conclusion of these rites, they are considered a legally distinct entity and duty of care transfers to Delta Airlines.
    
    
12. All Loyalty members must heed the call when the Delta War Horn is sounded or the ancient fires of DEN/LAX/SFC/ORD/JFK are lit.
    
    
13. Members are to abide by all relevant laws in every jurisdiction in which they travel, except where it conflicts with the wishes of Delta Airlines.
    
    
14. Members may not injure a Delta employee or, through inaction, allow a Delta employee to come to harm.
    
    
15. Members must obey orders given to them by Delta Employees, except where such orders would conflict with the previous directive.
    
    
16. Members must protect their own existence as long as such does not conflict with the last two directives.
    

FluffieDuckie posted:

google THIS posted:

Jolo posted:

another wrinkle to consider is that even though the idiom is about the one bird that you have, if you had TWO birds, and those birds were a boy bird and a girl bird... well, you know. Like, if the boy bird was very charming, and the girl bird maybe would be kind enough to take a chance on him... maybe the boy bird isn't very smart but he has kind of a dry wit and usually the girl bird tends to like birds that are taller than she is, but she's been with some real jerks and this boy bird seems genuine with her... well, you know. It's called the birds and the bees, but the bees don't have to be involved, and well, you know what i mean at this point, I think. ok, I'll just come right out and say it, I'm talking about bird intercourse. So now on to my real point, if those two birds then create more and more birds, then you're not choosing between 1 bird in your hand or 2 in a bush, you're choosing between 1 or an innumerable amount of birds and their offspring plus while you're in the bush, maybe there's some good stuff in there also, like a snickers wrapper that got blown into the bush and stuck and there's still some good chocolate stuck to it.

alnilam posted:

cda posted:

>ENTER STARBUCKS
You enter the Starbucks. In front of you, there is a line of people waiting to order. There are chairs and tables all around, mostly occupied at this hour of the day by solitary individuals on their laptops or smartphones. However, there are a couple of free tables. There is a cashier behind the cash register and a barista making drinks. You assume there's probably a manager in the back, behind a swinging metal door.

> JOIN LINE
You join the line and wait patiently until you are standing in front of a cute cashier.

> ORDER COFFEE
"What size coffee to you want to order?" asks the cashier.

> ORDER LARGE COFFEE
I'm sorry, I don't understand that.

> ORDER MEDIUM COFFEE
I'm sorry, I don't understand that.

> ORDER LATTE
"What size latte do you want to order?" asks the cashier.

> ORDER LARGE LATTE
I'm sorry, I don't understand that.

>ORDER GRANDE COFFEE
"Coming right up!" beams the cashier. "Can I get a name for the order?"

>CDA
"Sure thing, Mr. CDA, just step over there and wait for your order to be called," the cashier says brightly.
You stand by the coffee bar and watch the barista make drinks.

>WAIT
"GRANDE COFFEE for PHILIP" the barista calls.

>WAIT
"BAGEL for LISA" the barista calls.

>WAIT
"GRANDE COFFEE for CAD" the barista calls.

>ASK BARISTA ABOUT COFFEE.
Which coffee?

>ASK BARISTA ABOUT GRANDE COFFEE.
Which Grande Coffee?

>ASK BARISTA ABOUT GRANDE COFFEE FOR CAD.
"This coffee is for CAD," the barista says, "See? It says CAD on the coffee cup."

>TAKE GRANDE COFFEE FOR CAD.
The barista frowns. "Are you sure you're CAD? You don't look like CAD to me."

>TAKE GRANDE COFFEE FOR CAD
The barista eyes you warily, but says nothing. You take the Grande Coffee for CAD.

>INVENTORY
You are wearing:
Blue sweatpants
A pink, stained Breast Cancer Charity 5K promotional T-Shirt.
Dirty sneakers (with no socks)

You are holding:
Car keys
A wallet
An iPhone
A Grande Coffee for CAD.

>STATUS
It is March 22nd, 2018. The time is 10:37am. If you still had a job, you would be 1hr and 37minutes late for work.
Your mood is: Despairing
Your health is: Poor
You are feeling: Tired
Your SCORE is: 3/273 points.

>DRINK GRANDE COFFEE FOR CAD
You begin to drink the coffee. It is scalding hot. You burn your tongue.

>STATUS
It is March 22nd, 2018. The time is 10:38am. If you still had a job, you would be 1hr and 38minutes late for work.
Your mood is: Angsty
Your health is: Poor, Burned Tongue
You are feeling: Alert
Your SCORE is: 4/273 points.

>LOOK AT CASHIER
You look at the cashier. She is cute, with short blonde hair cut in a jagged style and bright blue eyes. You wonder if they are hiring at this Starbucks. You also wonder if the cashier would ever go out with you.

>TALK TO CASHIER
She's busy doing her job right now.

City of Glompton posted:

Crumpet Strumpet posted:

Lizard Wizard posted:

puttin some doritos in the freezer so i can have cold doritos later

Putty posted:

I think the title of this thread should be changed because there have been quite a lot of good posts without dog crash truther

FutonForensic posted:

son, why did you doodle a bunch of eyes all over this loose leaf? is this some of that "stream of consciousness?"

*snatching the paper angrily* they're titties, dad! they're anime titties.

hamjobs posted:

they lie, cheat, steal, gamble and have multiple extramarital affairs, in front of mouse god and everyone.

for shame.

hamjobs posted:

mouse de medici

hamjobs posted:

they are responsible for the poisonings and murders of many other mice

they have infiltrated mice populations all over europe and abroad

they have simultaneously mated with many royal mice, dwelling in their castles, bearing their children legitimate and illegitimate

they have sailed many ships and started a great many wars

they are insidious and also adorable which makes it so much harder to stop giving them bits of cheese and head scritches

hamjobs posted:

the mousish inquisition will not stand for this nonsense

hamjobs posted:

the catican will know about this insult to our righteous catlick faith and there will be no more dogestants in europe.

Applewhite posted:

OK, when I say "Rock and—" you say "Roll!" Ready?

Rock and—

*a handful of people shouts out "ROLL!!!" at the top of their lungs*

Ok let's see, who's out...

You and you and you, all of this group over here, please leave. You're out. Thanks.

Alright,

SIMON SAAAAAAYYYYYYSSSS ROCK AND—

*Crowd explodes* ROLLLLLL!!!!!!