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sebmojo fucked around with this message at 11:51 on Mar 12, 2018 |
# ? Mar 12, 2018 11:45 |
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# ? Apr 24, 2024 00:30 |
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ExMojo brawl judgmentquote:Moby Dick 2: A Whale of A Tale prepped for a wacky yarn let me tell u This has an interesting idea about literary animism, which could support a strong story. i'd like to see the spirits of different books. unfortunately the character with the most wordtime is an endlessly tedious cliche 80s businessman (that's the trope, despite the offhand genderswap). overall, this is around adequate, the inherent interest in teh idea is about enough to balance out the weak characters. sebmojo posted:Metafornication While there are a few areas this could be tweaked or trimmed this is a solid, if cliche, idea (what if characters in stories were real!) executed with verve and precision. Judgment: Mojo wins
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# ? Mar 12, 2018 11:47 |
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Interprompt: "Sing, O Muse, of rear end frog" 200 words
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# ? Mar 12, 2018 16:02 |
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I totally agree, Metafornication wins. I posted it first though, so I guess I win? Actual judgement coming later, and with my actual story this time :P Exmond fucked around with this message at 19:42 on Mar 12, 2018 |
# ? Mar 12, 2018 19:39 |
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I don't know what's going on but I know I don't like it
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# ? Mar 12, 2018 19:42 |
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Tyrannosaurus posted:I don't know what's going on but I know I don't like it Madness, is what. This is why you shouldn't mod drunk, kids. Reality re-alignment is ongoing. e: re-alignment complete sebmojo fucked around with this message at 20:09 on Mar 12, 2018 |
# ? Mar 12, 2018 19:45 |
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Exmond posted:Metafornication sebmojo posted:Metafornication both of these posts were edited, by the rules of this thread i declare this a MISBRAWL You're both DQ'd from your own brawl gj
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# ? Mar 12, 2018 19:47 |
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Sitting Here posted:both of these posts were edited, by the rules of this thread i declare this a MISBRAWL I GOT SCREWED! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFmbDYUii1I&t=1827s SEATTLE SCREWJOB! Edit: Man you totally didn't put in my SICK INTRO to my story that intimidated you into posting your story earlier. Exmond fucked around with this message at 20:05 on Mar 12, 2018 |
# ? Mar 12, 2018 19:50 |
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newtestleper posted:Count your nuggets before they’re dipped
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# ? Mar 12, 2018 20:10 |
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Crit: ThirdEmperor – For the Millionth Time, Be Careful What You Wish For The first section takes too long to set up the concept. There is good stuff here, e.g. the idea of waiting for the mail, but it needs to be less than half as long. I also think I want the magic to be more explicit, and to see Simon's reaction to it – hiding it between sections doesn't do any good here. I found it a little hard to find the conflict in this story. One conflict, Simon's alienation from his friends, bubbles throughout the second two sections but never amounts to anything. The other, the problem with the parents, is really only introduced in the last two sections, where the story stops just as it takes a big turn. The Milhouse reference is anachronistic (at least in spirit), inaccurate, and draws a lot of attention to itself. "There were too many possibilities lately. Simon’s brush with magic had only left him feeling less powerful than before, drowning in a world where anything could be real, especially things that scared him." This is an interesting paragraph. I wish that the story had been about this, and instead of a few sentences of exposition you gave us some more subtle ramifications of his magic use – gave him a reason for his paranoia and showed a build up of actions that come from it. I don't like the ending much – too big a break from the tone of the first half, which I enjoyed more.
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# ? Mar 12, 2018 21:12 |
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Aww yeah, HERE WE GO, BABY! But before we get into it, a few things If you are going to go call someone out on spelling and grammar, make sure you aren't hititng regional differences. https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/dial I'll give you the shred thing, even though I can try and get away with a technicality! Also finally. 6:45 p.m. Monday, in Coordinated Universal Time is 7:45 a.m. Tuesday, in Wellington, New Zealand Umm, I know some AA people in New Zealand if you want someone to talk to you Sebmojo. Thanks for pointing out my error Crain! Now let's see what the prompt is! Exmond posted:Prompt is a place where stories turn into characters, so take Death of a story but get rid of all the TD Meta references. I'm looking forward to this brawl story! You have a real talent for making stories that make me immediately want to talk about them and inquire what they meant to other people! Real surreal puzzlers, dream like substance and metaphors. I think adding this whole "Stories" to life thing will be great, Ill get an insight on what a story means to you, or what your take on killing an idea is. Something thoughtful, full of meaning and just insightful. So, let's see what ya got! sebmojo's story, which was edited 10:57am, I don't know why posted:Metafornication Full stop, 4 sentences in and I need to ask, what's the draw? So far, no conflict has been revealed and since I know what the prompt there isn't much to go here. Also, I hit this problem with my ideas, is that writing about writing is incredibly tricky. I think you can get around it with your skills, but it's a perilous danger. If I wrote about writing, it would definitely be a DM or Loss. sebmojo's story, posted:Genre next, riffle through the book - they’re like carpet samples, feel good beneath your fingers This missed, but good try at prose - science fiction, fantasy, science fantasy, cyberpunk, everyday realist humdrum … none of those, not tonight. Oh no, oh NO! You're falling into a trap! Make me care about the writer, make me care about Harald! Im the easiest reader ever, mention a vampire or some other urban fantasy trope and I'm down like aclown. Mention how a story feels bitter and I'm down. But no, no your writing about a writer writing. NOT LIKE THIS MOJO, NOT LIKE THIS! sebmojo's story, posted:Harald sits at his desk - no, a table is more socialist. Lol, I chuckled A plain wooden table, painted thick flat white - but painted roughly, without sanding it first. Tiny splinters abound, a sweeping motion makes a sound like rubbing stubble. Harald’s muscles are sore from a double shift at the tractor factory, trying to meet the latest Five Year Plan directive. Huh? This seems boring sebmojo's story, posted:
Nice Typo with the bracket. I think this is due to your editing hijinks, cause it's not in your judgement post, but in your original (now edited) first post in the brawl. So eh, let's ignore it. But DON'T EDIT YOUR POSTS and DON'T EDIT YOUR OPPONENTS POST Also still no Conflict,Draw, Consequence or Choice here! I mean, I kind of want you to drop this fake story bullshit and serenade me like Stepehen King's On Writing book. A non-fiction version of this would have been better. sebmojo's story, posted:That’s it. She had a child with Harald, it didn’t make it to term. Leave it at that; you might find out why later. He probably wrote her lots of letters. Nice typo sebmojo's story, posted:Harald holds out a hand to her. She doesn’t look at it. Instead she hands him the paper (thews! quivering! What are these in parentheses?) and turns on her heel. Harald is left, tongue-tied, on his doorstep. Okay, I'm gonna be honest here, I want to warp to the intersting bit's of this story. So far it's a weird blend of Sebmojo explaining how to write a bad story? Or Mojo's view of a bad writer (Maybe SebMojo is trying to figure out what I'm thinking when I write?) And, this blend isn't working!. poo poo man, I love your little asides and you are almost, ALMOST reaching some sweet tones of On Writing by Stephen King, I love that poo poo. But for every time your little aside takes me and intrests me with their wiles, this lovely "real" story comes in and shits over everything. As someone, who's such a great writer that I shouldn't name them, said "GET IT OUTTA THERE!" Also I think you fell down the write about writing trap, and fell down it hard. I would have loved to have felt what the writer was thinking as their story sinks, or as their inevitable shittyness catches up to them. Right now I have characters, that I know are lovely characters, so they aren't holding the piece up. sebmojo's story, posted:The phone rings, socialistly- Heh it's still funny! a harsh sharp braying clatter. At first Harald seems not to hear it, but then he jerks into motion and walks stiff legged to pick it up. loving FINALLY. Boom, we got it, stories coming to life, taking over you mind. Stories are after all mind worms, they persist, dig deeper and nestle in your mind. And man, your second person narrative is killing ya here cause I would love to feel what the writer is feeling. Get inside the writers mind as his story takes over his mind. sebmojo's story, posted:Quick. Natalya. That’s the only secret left. She comes rushing in to the Factory chairman’s office, waving a statement. Behind her is Kovalesky, looking sheepish. This needs to end now, Natalya, explain how this is all a huge-- And.. And what did the writer think about DESTROYING AN IDEA THAT CAME TO LIFE. Millions of characters, their possibilities dead with a few clicks? sebmojo's story, posted:
Exmond posted:Moby Dick 2: A Whale of A Tale Right away you point out how vivid my des- oh hold on. I'm being told that Sebmojo is instead pointing out how lovely my descriptions are. Yeah okay, I give you that. Exmond posted:“Hold on, Moby Dick 2: A Whale of A Tale Is just a temporary title, we can rework it in post,” I explained as I fixed up my business casual suit. Right, so now you say I shouldn't slam this intro into the reader. You and I are going to agree to disagree. This is flash fiction baby, you gotta get their attention quickly and fast. A starting joke, continued with some light humor is an "OKAY" start. If I had to edit this, I might put the inital idea a little further ahead (I kind of hint at it with books materlizing into hands). I believe I have the better start sir Exmond posted:Alright, take a deep breath girl, I told myself, you managed to convince Les Misérables to get a makeover, you can convince this stubborn whale. You call out how The Personficaiton of Moby Dick has... little character and personality. It might be a great idea, but i kind of fluff the execution and I agree with you. I think overall the character says two lines in the story, and apart from being an obstacle to the protagonist has little else to do. I do wish I could have figured out a way to inject some more Moby Dick into the character. Exmond posted:“It’s called a sequel, and do you know how much a movie increases readership? Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter baby! That was me.” At this point you want me to die, but what I really wanted you to notice is that Capitalism is an air head. I'll go into this later, but this is me trying to pull a Sebmojo. Exmond posted:An awkward silence fell over us. Maybe that last pun was too much. The old man looked out at the coffee shop, noticing how few people were reading. Then he looked at the girl, who was fascinated by Moby Dick and smiling. He looked at her as if she was a child taking her first steps on an amazing journey. He looked back at me and shook his head. Okay, this is where give you the prose battle. The amazing journey is weak, yeah wish I could of made that land. I do like the "A bad bitch in a business suit who was gonna make this sale." I don't understand the tsk? Did I miss a grammar rules Exmond posted:I pointed at the girl who was reading Moby Dick. “You see her, you know what will interest her more than your tale?” I snapped my fingers and the girl’s cell phone vibrated. I returned his glare and said, “Materialistic wealth, clothes and the latest fad. All of those things are more interesting than your book.” Again we encounter the weak characterization of Moby Dick's manifestation. Didn't catch that he wouldn't use that wording. Right so we also hit a bit of a problem here that you point out, I was very scared that people wouldn't get the initial idea. That I wasn't explaining things correctly. So I did a bad thing, I overexplained. I would keep some of the things you crossed out, but would heavily rework this section. Also, I like repetition, Everyone wants to be Harry Potter, Everyone wants to be bigger than Harry Potter. I liked how it repeats itself but changes. Exmond posted:“So, I'm thinking maybe a reboot before the sequel. Reboots are all the rage right now. We amp up the Ishmael and Queequeg homo-eroticism. People love that . Don’t make Queequeg a cannibal though, that’s not exactly kosher.” I didn't want Moby Dick to have any affect on the girl coming back because I wanted to have the girl coming back by her own mean something (I'll address this in a section called "Pulling a sebmojo"). Also in this next section we do encounter a problem, I need to end the piece with a bit of exposition, so I need to hastily add an earpiece. Exmond posted:“Hey, Darlene. Moby Dick didn’t pan out. “ Allright, so here was the main thing I was trying to pull, a sebmojo. What is Pulling a SebMojo? you might ask, it's your story having two meanings, one is a neat story, the other is kind of an insight into the author. So I went with what I think about novels turning into movies and how making money interacts with art. Kind of Capitalism vs Art and my take on it. Hot tip, art wins, as the girl comes back and grabs Moby Dick on her own volition. I was worried I was going to get too political, but you didn't seem to notice it. Overall I think I kind of failed in this regards, and it turned into the main plot, but the hints are there. At the end, the movie she is trying to get made is Pride and Prejuidice and Zombies, which BOMBED hard. The girl coming back on her own also means novels and the written word still have a place in this weird media age we live in. I agree with your assessment of my story, but will disagree about the 80's cliched businesswoman. Capitalism is a cliche in this story because she's supposed to be a dweeb, someone who doesn't get it and spouts catchphrases and puns at you to get what she wants. When you try and step out of line she unleashes fury at you. So for your story, man, I liked your prose and your asides. Ifthis piece had strictly been non-fiction, "Sebmojo: On Writing", I think it would have blown my piece out of the water. But no, you merged Non-Fiction with Fiction and it suffers. To make matters worse you have these weak characters (Hey, I at least TRIED to have characters), that need to hold up the story because the story, is..so..loving..plodding. That's a huge deal for my enjoyment of your story. The first half of it is about harald and what sebmojo thinks about writing. One part of that is interesting, the other part is dreadfully boring. I think you also have a problem with no Choice, Consequence of Conflict. If you swing and miss with your inital "draw" or whatever main method you are trying to use to entertain, you need to make sure one of these things are there. Readers start off in a swamp, and if you fail to draw them in, they need Conflict, Consequennce or a Choice to grab onto to make sense of your story. This story had neither. Finally, man, you missed the prompt (you literally wrote about stories coming to life, I wanted to hear stories AFTER that happens, what does the story want, whats the effect of killing a story) but you also wrote about writing. If I had written about writing (And I have) I would have suffered a DM, Loss or permanent disfigurement as the judge goes after me with a knife. I don't think it necessarily sunk the story, in fact the most entertaining part is where SebMojo tells me his writing process, but I think it interferred with the story. It's not a big thing, since the prompt was confusing (and bad, some people may say). So let's take a look at both of our stories PROSE: Mojo wins (Not a surprise, I need to work on this department. I may have had some wicked puns, but overall some missteps) CHARACTERS: Draw (I would lean my way, as I love the 80s cliched businesswoman. Feel I nailed the "Producer" feel very well. I think you don't win because well, I couldn't make a connection with any of your 6 characters. I might have missed a metaphor, or something about the author, so I can be convinced you win) IDEA: Exmond wins (Yeah, I'll fight you over this. Capitalism made manfiest trying to convince the manfiestion of Moby Dick to submit a rewrite, wrapped around the writers faint question of "Do novels have a place in this day and age" versus "IMMA WRITE A STORY AND IT COMES TO LIFE") CONFLICT/CONSEQUENCE/CHOICE/ARE YOU A STORY?: Exmond wins (yup, I want to talk to you about this on IRC, but I feel like my story had the stronger "This is a story, here is a draw, read me" portion) Winner: Exmond Exmond fucked around with this message at 01:51 on Mar 13, 2018 |
# ? Mar 13, 2018 01:10 |
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Exmond posted:
You mean AA. As in Alcoholics Anonymous. AAA is the car service.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 01:33 |
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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=riH5EsGcmTw
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 01:52 |
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Crain posted:You mean AA. As in Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, this is confusing: https://aa.co.nz
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 02:05 |
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Oh yeah my new avatar can be this And with the words "I'm WRITING!" with a URL link to Thunderdome underneath it! If the gif is too long, just get to the part where she is typing and smiling.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 02:14 |
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steeltoedsneakers posted:Well, this is confusing: https://aa.co.nz Goddammit NZ, just flipping the script like that.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 02:20 |
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Crain posted:Goddammit NZ, just flipping the script like that. Well you see, they are upside down...
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 02:24 |
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Well, I guess it comes down to beefsupreme's tiebreaker judgment to bring this delightfully retarded episode of tdome history to a close But while we wait, SITTINGHERE you cutprice svengali, you moustache-twirling manipulator, you eminence sleaze! This whole dumb fight is your fault, so it's time to come out from behind the curtain. Get on down here, and put up your puny word fists. This is a double team, exmond and me against you.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 03:59 |
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Pfft, getting disqualified due to Sebmojo editing my post. Im IN!
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 04:07 |
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sebmojo posted:Well, I guess it comes down to beefsupreme's tiebreaker judgment to bring this delightfully retarded episode of tdome history to a close Exmond posted:Pfft, getting disqualified due to Sebmojo editing my post.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 04:09 |
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C'MON AND SLAM, AND WELCOME TO THE JAM! The toxxes are up and your ballz are down on the chopping block so let's get this party started. SEBMOJO and EXMOND have declared a partnership for brawling against SH. Here's yo prompt Seb and Exm C'MON AND SLAM Seb, you're going to begin a story. Word limit 500. You're not going to finish it, just gonna get the party started. The story can be about anything in any genre save all the usual lovely stuff (Erotica, Fanfic, ect). Once it's done, Exmond, you're going to finish his story with a 500-word limit. You two can work together behind the scenes, planning, detailing, but the two of you must write and submit your entries alone. AND WELCOME TO THE JAM I just gave a serious handicap to Seb and Exm, they could easily botch this up and guarantee a Nina Tucker situation out of their story so SH you're getting something hard to work with too. Your prompt SH, is to write a story involving Basketball and magic. Your challenge to make it as dead serious as possible. So in contrast to the SPACE JAM going on in this post, you gotta cut all ties with the Looney Tunes/NBA jerkoff session when you do up your story. MAKE IT SERIOUS. MAKE IT DEADLY loving SERIOUS. Word limit 1000. All this is due by MARCH 28, 2018 at 8 pm PST. Good luck and drink your ecto-cooler.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 05:18 |
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Antivehicular posted:Interprompt: "Sing, O Muse, of rear end frog" The Interprompt Adventures of Mosebjo: 7 “rear end frog, rear end frog,” sang Mosebjo tunelessly to himself as he stalked through the tall reeds at the edge of the river. Sharpened stick poised he scanned the muddy ground for the sources of the croaking that filled the warm evening air. Mosebjo liked singing. His ditties used to make more sense but he’d been alone with no one to talk to but Caterpillar for many weeks now. There! A splash in the shallow water and the flick of fat green legs. Mosebjo lunged forward with his stick, but the soft mud sucked at his heavy leather boots and he splatted into the shallows like a drunken duck belly flopping onto the water. Spitting river water from his mouth Mosebjo looked up to find the yellow eyes of a huge frog watching him from the reeds. “rear end,” said the frog. “Frog,” said Mosebjo.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 07:02 |
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METAFORNICATION BRAWL JUDGMENT Alright alright I'm here I'm here. I can't believe you morons couldn't figure this out yourse--jk I pretty much knew this would happen. I'm just salty that I have to read your dumb stories. I didn't read these blind, but it didn't really matter cause you both have the same weird anime avatar and the same not-actually-that-clever title (Is "metafornication" supposed to be a euphemism for masturbation? Because that's what this whole thing is). Also neither story is particularly good. I've consulted with my co-judges and taken their critiques into account. You can read their flaming hot takes here and here. Okay let's get this over with. Exmond posted:I believe I have the better start sir Wrong, sorry bud, both stories are bad Okay but seriously. Exmond. Your story exists in the uncanny valley of prose. It lacks subtlety, shading, complexity, and yet, it also lacks the cartoonish clarity of a Ray Bradbury story. Either might have made this story's themes and ideas ring true. Of course, for as lacking in subtlety as it is, the ideas themselves are underdeveloped. 1980's capitalism is a rich and easy target. If you want to claim that your story wins on ideas, you better say something that hasn't been said before, or say it in an interesting way. To say that capitalism is out of touch with the needs or wants of actual people isn't particularly new. There's also a counter-argument: capitalism doesn't actually care about the specific nature of the needs and desires of society, it just wants to make money off of them, whatever they are. I don't know why Capitalism here is so driven by this need to crush books. If people like books, they'll make books. Also not sure why Capitalism needs the approval of this nameless, colorless, flavorless manifestation of... Moby Dick, the book? I kind of wish you had just made it the whale. Or Melville. This grumpy old man is nobody, and reads like it. ("I do wish I could have figured out a way to inject some more Moby Dick into the character", you say. Read Moby Dick, I say.) Perhaps Capitalism here feels the need to gain the approval of The Essence of Dick because of bottom-line concerns--un-blessed adaptations having flopped tremendously in the past--but it doesn't really read like that. What meaningful blessing could Moby Dick confer upon a studio/producer intent on mining the IP for gold? Only someone beholden to the art would need something from the original creation. If you're going to do metaphorical manifestations of ideas, let's do it right, man. Punch up this prose. Hell, add some actual punching. Give me Uncle Sam in a suit made of hundreds hunting a white whale. Instead, we get a lot of flat prose and characters telling us what they're thinking or doing. Show, not tell, etc etc Sebmojo posted:While there are a few areas this could be tweaked or trimmed this is a solid, if cliche, idea (what if characters in stories were real!) executed with verve and precision. lol ok This reads like both a shining example of and a metaphor for writing stories at the last minute. There is a real idea here that actually took me by surprise. Sort of. Halfway through, as the prose shifts from the author's perspective to actually just being in the story, I thought at first that you just got lazy, which wouldn't have been particularly surprising. Then I realized that it was actually a fairly compelling representation of what it's like to get lost inside your own creation, how the characters become manifest inside your own mind. The idea of authors being responsible for what happens to their characters is interesting, and worthy of exploration--if I kill off a character, am I a murderer? Of course, your execution was sloppy. Exmond is right--your characters are kind of nothings. I am inside your author's head, but there isn't much there except for some cute little jokes--more funny heh than funny haha--and some literary allusions. Things get a little interesting when his characters get away from him and start to take on a life of their own (another interesting comment on the writing process) but not too interesting. He erases them shortly after that, after all. The ending is fine. It is clever-ish and fitting, but it also does cut off the story before anything interesting actually happens. Let's wrap this up. This prompt was... uhhh, something, anyway I'm mad that I read a third story to try to understand the prompt better. And this whole self-judging thing is example A#1 of why nobody wants story explanations or crit responses. Sebmojo wins
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 10:16 |
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fjgj imo
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 10:22 |
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Chairchucker posted:fjgj imo Yes & thx beef
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 10:25 |
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Eighties Week Judgment I had high hopes for this week. I was mostly disappointed, getting a bunch of stories with poorly defined stakes and endings that didn't really work, along with anachronisms like kids having computers more expensive than many cars as gaming machines or vegan-dominated communities. Worse than those are our bottom stories. DMs go to newteseper’s Count your nuggets before they're dipped , a nothingburger of a character sketch of a boring character and Lazy Beggar’s The Workout , A story with many technical flaws and not many virtues to make up for them. The loss, though, goes to Unfunny Poster’s The Wolf , which combined both of those sets of problems, and more. On to happier things. HMs go to QuoProQuid’s Call and Response , Antivehicular’s Rainbowland , Tyrannosaur’s Stupid Punk , and Jay W. Fricks’ Chain , four stories that captured enough of the 80s zeitgeist to resonate emotionally with at least two of the judges. The winning story did the same, but even moreso: Kaishai, Greed is Good has put you back on the blood throne!
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 10:57 |
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prompt imo
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 11:01 |
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In less than a month I've jumped to one of the all time losingest TD contributors. Go me?
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 11:13 |
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Unfunny Poster posted:In less than a month I've jumped to one of the all time losingest TD contributors. Those are amateur numbers.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 11:14 |
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Yeah I misread the stats page. Still pretty abyssmal performance so far.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 11:37 |
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OK folks, here’s a link to my crits. If you want to see comments on your stories, as I read them, go here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hackv-ddvE01wl9FgotXGgu15ea2MF-H4tiwKYCE9WA/edit?usp=sharing For the lazy, here are my final thoughts, which you can find at the bottom of each story on the posted link above. The Chain: There were problems with this. Too many characters, some clarity issues, flat prose, and a relatively unfocused story. The good news, however, is that this is a nifty idea and it’s handled relatively well. The potential I see in this story is it being told from a first person POV with just one character dealing with it. I can imagine it being a much stronger, clearer, entry that way. But, what we have here is still OK. Not bad, could see it HM’ing if the other judges are willing to overlook some of its shortcomings. Aro Street Gothic I mean come on, is that really supposed to be a punchline? This is just a E/N room mate story. You told it well and all but what was its function? Meh. Going Home Ehhhh, OK. I guess I kinda liked this? I’m not one for stories that just kinda take an event a provide an out-of-nowhere explanation for them. But, I guess it’s OK? At the very least, a character faces their past/weaknesses so you accomplished that much. This wasn’t fully polished, but then, many entrants were this week. This is a pretty solid No Mention for me, but if it connected with someone, I could see it HM’ing and I wouldn’t fight that. Count your nuggets before they’re dipped I mean… what is this? It’s barely even a vignette. I don’t quite get what it is you’re trying to capture or trying to say with this piece. It’s fine, it reads OK, but you’re just talking about how a guy is and what he feels. Meh Greed Is Good Cool cool. A story with neat things that has stuff happen in it… and hey a good ending! Not a whole lot to complain about, except that I think you may have been trying to show us early that there’s magical stuff going but I wasn’t sure if your invoking metaphor or just being dramatic in your writing. Kind of made it confusing and I wasn’t sure what the thrust of the piece was until the magic became more apparent. If you specify things a bit more, up front, it would be easier to detect and would strengthen the piece considerably, imo. Desperate Measures I don’t know what to make of this one. The ending is on the better end of things for this week because at least there’s some semblance of a punchline or an intention. Apart from that, there’s proofing problems, unclear action (both on a technical and motivational level) and overall I’m not sure how all of this is connected. It ends up kinda becoming a weak heisty story I guess? I don’t know, this was fine. Stupid Punk OK, well I guess that’s a realistic ending but it’s certainly not one that does much of anything. The voice in this is strong, but that’s to be expected coming from you. Apart from that, I’m not finding anything particularly engaging or novel here. I like that you went with a generally unlikable protag though. Five and a Quarter Alright, another non-ending. I don’t know, this is fine. Nothing new here and nothing to get me excited about reading it. There’s a fair bit of technical woes in the piece that make it a clunkier read than it needed to be so you may have lost some goodwill through that. Proofread more, make your dialogue an extension of the characters, and stop just asserting truths in your story that we’re just expected to accept. Earn your poo poo. Rainbowland Hm. Well, I guess this was a story? I’m somewhat confused by the role some of this stuff plays. The mysterious woman kinda just seems like an explain away sort of mechanic and I don’t know why she’s doing the things she’s doing. The whole escapism during a time of conflict thing isn’t exactly new and I’m not seeing you bring anything novel to the concept. This is fine, but it doesn’t do much to grab me. For The Millionth Time, Be Careful What You Wish For Unsatisfying endings seem to be the running motif this week. This wasn’t bad. It was an easy read and for the most part had a good feel about it. I guess I wanted to see more of the cool stuff. Either see him use the power more or dive further into like… what happened to his parents and what’s he going to do. Why did this end here? This is not an ending. Hiding Alright, Crain. One of us is out of our gourd. Either this story transcends my comprehension or it’s a tight hot mess. I really don’t know what to say about this. Thranguy writes good crazy stuff though from time to time so maybe he’ll be able to parse it. Call And Response Oy. I liked every part of this until the ending. I didn’t need a happy ending, but this was just such a fizzle and it picked up such ET, Stranger Things notes that I wanted at least some kind of moment at the end. Maybe this was intentional, if it were I’d argue heavily against this choice. Ultimately, I guess the kids learned a lesson in humility? That’s fine and all, but what made this a good story? The prose, dialogue, and the overall handling of the point in time was well done enough to keep this on the upper end of things, but unless nothing else special gets submitted the best this can do is an HM and I’m not sure I’d fight for it. Workout Lots of problems here. Too many too count. You started 34 sentences with “she” and that was a quick count. Apart from that… I guess nitpick, there’s a lot of issues here. You didn’t proof this, or if you did, you didn’t do so carefully. Lots of technical errors and hardly any action whatsoever to carry the story. I don’t really know what’s supposed to be interesting about any of this. It’s… a fine thing for a person to go through but we don’t earn any of the catharsis you’re trying to summon up for your characters. The Wolf Not a great effort. I have to believe that you know that. This piece is riddled with clunky prose and technical errors that even a semi-careful editing pass would’ve caught. As for the conceit of the story… it’s not bad. The problem, however, is that we only see snippets of the parts that actually matter. Who’s quest is this? The wolf kid arguably seems like a more interesting character, and he also gets the arc. Why aren’t we following him? Decent idea, poorly executed on a technical and creative level.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 13:40 |
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Unfunny Poster posted:Yeah I misread the stats page. Still pretty abyssmal performance so far. It's not great, but do you see the HM that Jay W. Friks just earned? His start was pretty damned rough--and he largely earned his stats, as you've largely earned yours based on the three entries I've read so far. Now he's gotten HMs in two consecutive weeks. How long it might be before you do the same, I don't know, but each of your stories I read was a bit better than the last. Persistence is the key to improvement. Stick with writing and let us all see the day when you shine. Thank you, judges! A prompt will have to wait until I'm home from work, more's the pity. Keep yourselves busy until then with posterior amphibians or whatever.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 13:54 |
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Unfunny Poster posted:Yeah I misread the stats page. Still pretty abyssmal performance so far. Thunderdome is a competition where the rules, expectations and judges constantly change. I was on a 7 dm/loss streak before I finally pulled up and even then I still get dms and yes they still sting. Also,Thunderdome isn’t the only game in town. We would hate to see you leave, but check out other writing groups. I would suggest you get precrits, ask someone to read your story before posting. Exmond fucked around with this message at 14:28 on Mar 13, 2018 |
# ? Mar 13, 2018 14:20 |
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fcgc thanks chili you're a g
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 14:38 |
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Exmond posted:We would hate to see you leave What? I'm not gonna quit. Just being a big baby and am gonna stop whining about it now. Thanks for the crits Chili. Mekchu fucked around with this message at 14:44 on Mar 13, 2018 |
# ? Mar 13, 2018 14:39 |
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Kaishai posted:A prompt will have to wait until I'm home from work, more's the pity. Keep yourselves busy until then with posterior amphibians or whatever. What the hell kind of nonsense is this now?
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 15:01 |
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Chili posted:What the hell kind of nonsense is this now? shut up and rear end your newts
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 15:34 |
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Sitting Here posted:shut up and rear end your newts TD Cabal covering for TD Cabal, classic SEATTLE SCREWJOB!
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 15:37 |
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Thanks for the crits, Chili! Just read the short versions since I'm at work on my phone, but will dig into the doc later.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 16:09 |
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# ? Apr 24, 2024 00:30 |
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Kaishai posted:It's not great, but do you see the HM that Jay W. Friks just earned? His start was pretty damned rough--and he largely earned his stats, as you've largely earned yours based on the three entries I've read so far. Now he's gotten HMs in two consecutive weeks. How long it might be before you do the same, I don't know, but each of your stories I read was a bit better than the last. Persistence is the key to improvement. Stick with writing and let us all see the day when you shine. I endorse this statement.
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# ? Mar 13, 2018 17:43 |