/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

girl pants posted:

If you're really interested, google "agender resources" -- there are a lot of people willing to go into further detail about what it means both generally and to them specifically.

Sure, thanks. Off I go.

# ? May 15, 2018 00:55

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# ? Jun 2, 2024 15:39

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

I [23F] am now hiding my relationship from my parents [50sM,F] because they totally lost their minds when I told them about it.

quote:

A month ago, during a brief trip to a city to which I am soon moving (for graduate school), I met a man [28M] who I instantly fell head over heels for. We were inseparable during the few days we had together, and since then we have entered a LDR--texting all day every single day, video chatting every night for a couple hours until we fall asleep, blah blah. I'm really, really happy, and he is too. This is the relationship I've always dreamed of.

I have never told my parents about a guy before because I've never felt strongly enough about anybody I've met. I managed to make the mistake of telling my mom about this one because I was so happy and wanted to share my happiness.. BIG mistake. My parents both lost their minds, and absolutely could not fathom why a girl like me (about to start medical school at a highly prestigious, top 5 university) has fallen for someone like him, who they think is not good enough for me because he is an aspiring musician. After several days of fighting for him and begging them to give him a chance, I realized my parents would never come around to the idea of me being with him, so I lied to them and told them I cut contact. I've always pictured myself with a musician, so I couldn't be more proud of being with him for what it's worth.

Reddit, I feel totally stuck. No part of me will consider ever breaking up with him for the sake of my parents, but my parents have sacrificed so , so much for me in their lives (I come from an immigrant family) that I feel so incredibly guilty being in a relationship that they will never approve of. Even more so, I think they'd lose all trust in me if they were to find out he and I continued dating after I told them it was over. My parents love me more than anything, but my dad said such cruel and harsh things about this guy that I think if he were to find out he would disown me. I owe my parents the world, and I see their perspective, but I'm having a hard time putting aside my guilt and allowing myself to be totally happy in this relationship.

tl;dr: My parents think very highly of me because I have a bright future and am starting medical school, so they lost their minds when I began seriously dating a musician. Now, I am feeling immense amounts of guilt for lying to my parents even though I have never been happier than I have been in this relationship.

One the one hand you're an adult do what you want, OTOH a 28 y/o "aspiring musician"

# ? May 15, 2018 00:57

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

girl pants posted:

REDDIT I'M SO ANGRY THIS BITCH WON'T gently caress ME

If everyone's a little queer, can't she be a little straight?

u/PinkTriangleThroaway

I'm glad you included the user name for the cherry on top of the 'OP is a piece of poo poo' garbage pile. Jesus christ. what, was 'throwaway3584254269420' taken?

# ? May 15, 2018 00:57

Hellblazer187: Oct 12, 2003

La Brea Carpet posted:

One the one hand you're an adult do what you want, OTOH a 28 y/o "aspiring musician"

As long as he's willing to give lessons in whatever his instrument is, he can put a roof over his head. A musician can have a real career, and it doesn't have to be just some washout hoping for a stardom that will never come. Often it is that, but sometimes it's not.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:04

girl pants: Sep 21, 2006; I feel a great disturbance in my pants

value-brand cereal posted:

I'm glad you included the user name for the cherry on top of the 'OP is a piece of poo poo' garbage pile. Jesus christ. what, was 'throwaway3584254269420' taken?

Its the name of the song he quoted in the title and tldr.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:07

Barudak: May 7, 2007

La Brea Carpet posted:

I [23F] am now hiding my relationship from my parents [50sM,F] because they totally lost their minds when I told them about it.

One the one hand you're an adult do what you want, OTOH a 28 y/o "aspiring musician"

Im sorry immigrant dad, i know this is hard but youre doing the right thing and you just have to stay strong until residency

# ? May 15, 2018 01:15

Ham Sandwiches: Jul 7, 2000

La Brea Carpet posted:

I [23F] am now hiding my relationship from my parents [50sM,F] because they totally lost their minds when I told them about it.

One the one hand you're an adult do what you want, OTOH a 28 y/o "aspiring musician"

Yeah a 23 year old woman is not allowed to date anyone that does not have good marriage prospects, in the year 2018, despite studying to be a doctor or whatever herself :confused:

# ? May 15, 2018 01:18

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

La Brea Carpet posted:

I [23F] am now hiding my relationship from my parents [50sM,F] because they totally lost their minds when I told them about it.

One the one hand you're an adult do what you want, OTOH a 28 y/o "aspiring musician"

quote:

I met a man [28M] who I instantly fell head over heels for.

[...]

he is an aspiring musician

lmao

quote:

a girl like me (about to start medical school at a highly prestigious, top 5 university)

lmao that you think you'll have time for this poo poo.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:26

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

Pvt.Scott posted:

Sure, thanks. Off I go.

Good luck, sincerely. It's something that takes a little getting used to but basically not all trans people have the binary gender experience, it's just a thing that happens and it's probably partially cultural and social and partially however your brain categorizes gender or whatever.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:39

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Ham Sandwiches posted:

Yeah a 23 year old woman is not allowed to date anyone that does not have good marriage prospects, in the year 2018, despite studying to be a doctor or whatever herself

Every woman I've ever met in med school had a boyfriend who was seriously the biggest blob of "he has potential, I swear!!111!!!1!" I've ever met. I think there's something in lady doctors that makes them want to save everything. there's something in man doctors that makes mitt romney look convincingly programmed.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:43

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

From the med-student:

quote:

[�]throweezy27

[S] [score hidden] 3 hours ago*
My parents are the opposite of abusive. controlling, maybe--but I will defend them to my death because everything they do is well intentioned and, from their perspective (this being key because they're wrong in this case), in order to protect me.

I recognize that what I said in my earlier post comes off incredibly dramatic and maybe I shouldn't have gotten so carried away and said some of those things, but I am not currently nor will ever pin my "life's hopes and dream" on someone, whether I've dated them for a month or ten years. In that first post everything was fresh and I was in a bad place with my family, which, as someone who's never experienced conflict with her parents before, was really tough to go through.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:45

Ham Sandwiches: Jul 7, 2000

Yeah dude she's their obedient servant that doesn't question anything and despite dedicating her life to what they want and fully convincing herself they are right in all things, even a tiny deviation for her own fun, the summer before starting med school, is jeopardizing her future ie a stupid indulgence she doesn't need if she just sticks to The Plan

and I think parents treating their kids that way loving sucks, imo

# ? May 15, 2018 01:47

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Pick posted:

Every woman I've ever met in med school had a boyfriend who was seriously the biggest blob of "he has potential, I swear!!111!!!1!" I've ever met. I think there's something in lady doctors that makes them want to save everything. there's something in man doctors that makes mitt romney look convincingly programmed.

Lol thank you for explaining so succinctly why I dated so many doctors and why none of their male friends liked me.

# ? May 15, 2018 01:48

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Lol thank you for explaining so succinctly why I dated so many doctors and why none of their male friends liked me.

i promise you every single one, at one point, said the words " i can save him "

# ? May 15, 2018 01:59

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

narrator: she couldn't

# ? May 15, 2018 02:00

Hellblazer187: Oct 12, 2003

Ham Sandwiches posted:

Yeah dude she's their obedient servant that doesn't question anything and despite dedicating her life to what they want and fully convincing herself they are right in all things, even a tiny deviation for her own fun, the summer before starting med school, is jeopardizing her future ie a stupid indulgence she doesn't need if she just sticks to The Plan

and I think parents treating their kids that way loving sucks, imo

I kinda wish my parents had treated me this way though. I could potentially have been not a gently caress up.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:06

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Would I [31/F] be dooming my marriage if I left Husband [34/M] out of the final decision for naming our child [foetus, -1month].

quote:

We've known each other for six years, married two, and expecting our first child in February.

In my mind naming our child was fun. I made a table, separated into boys and girls names, where we could each add names to the list and cross off the ones we didn't like. At the end of the pregnancy we would have a list of names we liked to bring to the hospital and our newborn would get a name we both agreed on!

Nope, it hasn't worked that way. He liked every girl name I suggested but vetoed every boy name. Every. Single. One.

As luck would have it, we're having a boy, and if he was born today I still don't think we'd be able to find a name for him. The list of names that Husband has voted down is growing by the day--Rowan, Rory, Simon, Terry, Dale, Darcy, Elliot, Jackson, Roland, Lyndon. We have literally (on road trips to neighbouring cities) read through entire websites of baby names and found very few we agree are even tolerable.

Several times he's said "yeah, I like that name" and my imagination just goes wild. He likes the name Malcolm! Our son will be named Malcolm, we'll call him Mal, we'll watch Firefly together, I feel such an attachment to this being growing inside me... only to find out a few days later that Husband doesn't even remember saying yes to that name and denies ever liking it in the first place. I find those moments especially emotionally draining.

His choices are Angus, Magnus, and Merle (from his favourite podcast). I said no to each of these, but he can't seem to let them go, even though he has no problem striking down any name that I suggest. I admit that I do need somebody to reel me because some of the names I like are especially old-fashioned (Montgomery, August, Winston), but I feel like I'm more willing to compromise than he is.

We finally found one we both like, but it's the name of our (female) cat and while I haven't altogether dismissed the idea, I'm not entirely convinced of it either, especially because Husband won't consider changing the name of the cat and loudly corrects me if I try to assign her a different name.

I'm at the point where I just want to kick him out of the hospital room while I sign the paperwork. Part of me feels like he owes me this. He's already getting full choice on middle name (family tradition, the first name of the father becomes the middle name of the son), plus this pregnancy has been especially hard and uncomfortable for me, and I feel like he's taking away the one fun part of it.

Am I justified in wanting to leave him out of it? Would our marriage recover if I did? Can I just blame postpartum hormones? Or should I either explain to our families why the baby is named after the cat or find a mediocre, top 10 name that neither of us hate but don't love either?

Edit: alright the internet has spoken, I won't do this. Next question, can we name the child after a cat that might live another 17 years? What do we do if Husband continues to refuse to change the cat's name?

tl;dr: Husband and I cannot agree on a name for our newborn. How awful would it be of me to just leave him out of the decision entirely? Would this doom our marriage?

# ? May 15, 2018 02:07

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

"We'll watch Firefly together"

Abort.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:10

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Haifisch posted:

Would I [31/F] be dooming my marriage if I left Husband [34/M] out of the final decision for naming our child [foetus, -1month].

I bet he's just trolling the hell out of her. No, actually, I hope he's trolling the hell out of her.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:11

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Haifisch posted:

Would I [31/F] be dooming my marriage if I left Husband [34/M] out of the final decision for naming our child [foetus, -1month].

quote:

Several times he's said "yeah, I like that name" and my imagination just goes wild. He likes the name Malcolm! Our son will be named Malcolm, we'll call him Mal, we'll watch Firefly together, I feel such an attachment to this being growing inside me... only to find out a few days later that Husband doesn't even remember saying yes to that name and denies ever liking it in the first place. I find those moments especially emotionally draining.

You, uh, maybe need to chill here.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:12

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

imho thanos is wrong. i know which half to kill.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:13

13Pandora13: Nov 5, 2008; I've got tiiits that swingle dangle dingle

Has her husband considered all that Pnurtis has to offer?

# ? May 15, 2018 02:31

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

He likes the name Pnurtis! Our son will be named Pnurtis, we'll call him Pnurt, we'll read the /r/relationships thread together, I feel such an attachment to this being growing inside me...

# ? May 15, 2018 02:32

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

girl pants posted:

Called them "himself", too

Just had to get that one in, huh

Anyway

Me [31 m] and my roommates [30s m/f couple] and geek social fallacies

This is an awkward situation with a simple solution: bring the sheltered nerds to the gay leather bar. It'll work itself out.

One way or another?

# ? May 15, 2018 02:36

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Husband (29m) dislikes my (30f) parents (60s m/f) has a blanket ban on stories from my childhood. Relationships (self.relationships)

quote:

So for the longest time, my husband had this idyllic picture of my life growing up. Mainly because I truly feel that way; my parents loved us, and I�d do just about anything for them. I worked on the family farm pretty much constantly from age 12 to 25, when I finally moved out.

The circumstances surrounding my leaving weren�t awesome, and it was what first tipped my husband off about my family life there. He�d assumed my parents would be supportive in the situation we found ourselves in; I knew they�d be shocked, horrified, and angry, and I didn�t want to tell them I�d fallen pregnant. Keep in mind I was 25 at the time and with my committed partner, but my parents� reaction was pretty much what I�d anticipated it to be.

From there, it was all pretty much downhill. As a prime example, I�ll relate something that happened pretty recently. While watching a popular television show in which two naked people attempt to survive in some inhospitable wilderness in some remote corner of the globe, we both winced in sympathy when the female participant displayed legs absolutely forested with bug bites.

At first, my skin crawled, and then I reconsidered. It wasn�t that bad, honestly- I used to get a rash of bites come summer time when living with my parents because the outdoor/indoor cats would catch fleas. It was always a little while before the flea medication took effect, and especially before it was discovered, my body was a minefield of flea bites. Blankets and carpets would be black with the little fuckers, and it became standard procedure to nuke all bedding in the drier.

When relating this to my husband, i mistakenly assumed this was a common experience. His family were also farmers, and his mom had an abundance of (poorly housebroken) cats. While at first disbelieving, and then revolted when I continued my insistence, he told me that no, it was not common for one�s house to be a hotbed of fleas and the people therein to suffer themselves to be covered in bites.

This sort of thing has happened periodically over the course of our relationship. I�d mention something in passing, get a disgusted reaction, and now I�m wary of offering any stories of my former home.

The real problem is that it hasn�t helped my husband�s opinion of my parents. He hasn�t liked them since I moved in with him, and their actions (coupled with my sister�s) hasn�t seemed to help. I guess while it�s normal to me, it isn�t for him, but I still love my family regardless.

Is there some way I can try to mend this?

*tl;dr: * My husband really doesn�t like my family from my stories I tell- which are told factually and even fondly, because I love my family. I feel like my life growing up was lovely and peaceful, and I don�t consider things like flea bites to have ruined anything. Can someone explain why he�s upset so I can fix it?

Hmm, maybe your husband is bei-

quote:

[�]buriedinblue

[S] [score hidden] 4 hours ago
Uh you raise some valid points, especially with the analogy (I once did break my arm as a kid, and had to wait until my folks finished chores before they could take me to the hospital; I slept in a pile of hay in the meanwhile, it was nice) My mom fondly calls her parenting style �benign neglect� if that�s any indication. I was left to deal with things on my own pretty much, especially in terms of my sister. With her, at least, my parents definitely should have stepped in sooner.

I guess the benign neglect style has its pros and cons. Pro is that I explored the pastures and stuff and was good at playing by myself. I was an avid reader, and the hay now was a great place to take a book.

Cons is... well. Fleas, getting infected with ringworm, heatstroke, frostbite, hypothermia/hyperthermia, working while still sick and not getting paid. It wasn�t awesome, but they didn�t like destroy me or anything. I�m fine, really, and I wouldn�t ever do it to my kids.

quote:

[�]buriedinblue

[S] [score hidden] 35 minutes ago
I really am sorry. I know it sucked. I found myself wondering if it was okay numerous times as a kid. But it never changed or got better, so I just kind of dealt with it and assumed it was. I mean, what can you say as a teenager with pneumonia to your parent telling you they can�t take you into the doctor because they have to work? Once it happens enough times, you kind of have to roll with it.

Holy gently caress :therapy:

# ? May 15, 2018 02:36

MAKE NO BABBYS: Jan 28, 2010

dudeness posted:

This guy belongs in the Charenton Asylum writing plays for his fellow inmates to perform.

I majorly appreciate this joke/reference.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:46

Barudak: May 7, 2007

dudeness posted:

"We'll watch Firefly together"

Abort.

Its too late, shes well into her 124th trimester.

# ? May 15, 2018 02:52

Peaceful Anarchy: Sep 18, 2005; sXe
I am the math man.

Haifisch posted:

Would I [31/F] be dooming my marriage if I left Husband [34/M] out of the final decision for naming our child [foetus, -1month].

For the curious, the husband's name, and what will be the kid's middle name, is Kelly. The cat's name is Finnegan. Being named after the cat sounds like the least bad option for this poor kid.

# ? May 15, 2018 03:04

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Dont rename the cat, own up that both of you have managed one good bame between you. If you have another child shes also finnegan.

# ? May 15, 2018 03:13

Lemming: Apr 21, 2008

Haifisch posted:

Would I [31/F] be dooming my marriage if I left Husband [34/M] out of the final decision for naming our child [foetus, -1month].

quote:
His choices are Angus, Magnus

"Angus?"

"No."

"What about... Mangus"

# ? May 15, 2018 03:20

girl pants: Sep 21, 2006; I feel a great disturbance in my pants

I think Finnegan is a nice name for a little boy because you can shorten it to Finn :shrug:

# ? May 15, 2018 03:36

Metis of the Chat Thread: Aug 1, 2014

lol omg he wants to name their kid after characters from a dungeons and dragons podcast

# ? May 15, 2018 03:38

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Finnegan is actually a very popular baby name these days. It's pretty good too. I don't see an issue there.

The problem is they're both total goddamn idiots.

# ? May 15, 2018 04:18

girl pants: Sep 21, 2006; I feel a great disturbance in my pants

My mom [40sF] thinks i [18F] should wear makeup

quote:

u/somebluewaves

I’ve never really been into makeup. I’m 18 now (just finished my first year of college) and have only worn it for occasions where I’m dressed up and really should (dances, etc). I suffer from extremely low self esteem.

When I was younger I had a friend who wanted to play with makeup every time we hung out. I don’t think that’s bad, but she made me feel bad for not wearing it.

My view on makeup is that it makes me feel worse about myself. It is kind of the opposite of what you’re normally supposed to feel like with it on. The (little) attention I get when I do wear it makes me feel sad.. would someone have approached me if they saw what I actually looked like?

What hurts the most is my mom’s words. She often makes comments about how I should wear it. Or when I compliment my sister’s makeup my mom says I should wear that too. Or “I think a little bit of [eyeshadow, eyeliner, etc] wouldn’t hurt you”.

I suppose her intentions are sweet. It just hurts. I don’t think she means to hurt me. When I put makeup on I feel like I need to do it because others tell me to. I think I look better with it and find I look in the mirror more but I feel like I’m hiding behind something. How should I take my mom’s comments?

TL;DR: my mom says I should wear makeup. I have really low self esteem and feel worse when I have it on. How should I take my mom’s comments?

Christ, gently caress wearing makeup

# ? May 15, 2018 04:18

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

girl pants posted:

My mom [40sF] thinks i [18F] should wear makeup

Christ, gently caress wearing makeup

I mean, you could, but it's going to be all over your partner and the sheets.

# ? May 15, 2018 04:23

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

La Brea Carpet posted:

I feel weird that the Reiki master is the sensible one here.

If he is a true REIKI MASTER then perhaps the best way for him to hang out with them is by not hanging out with them. They can be contactless friends and the energy will still flow unimpeded

# ? May 15, 2018 04:25

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Clark Nova posted:

If he is a true REIKI MASTER then perhaps the best way for him to hang out with them is by not hanging out with them. They can be contactless friends and the energy will still flow unimpeded

Energy flows require line-of-sight, including remote viewing, so no he'd still have to be there somehow, especially because remote viewing is tenuous over such distances with the advent of wireless communications.

# ? May 15, 2018 04:43

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

Admiral Ray posted:

Energy flows require line-of-sight, including remote viewing, so no he'd still have to be there somehow, especially because remote viewing is tenuous over such distances with the advent of wireless communications.

Remote viewing is actually pretty easy. I�m remote viewing you right now :wink:

I�m getting the impression you�re reading a computer screen, smartphone or tablet.

# ? May 15, 2018 04:48

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

girl pants posted:

My mom [40sF] thinks i [18F] should wear makeup

Christ, gently caress wearing makeup

"You have low self-esteem? You'll feel much better when you cover up your natural face with makeup."-Someone who's 100% bought into the bullshit marketing and cultural expectations around makeup.

It's sad because I'm guessing OP's mom is legitimately trying to be helpful and doesn't realize how counterproductive it is.

# ? May 15, 2018 05:13

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# ? Jun 2, 2024 15:39

StrangersInTheNight: Dec 31, 2007; ABSOLUTE FUCKING GUDGEON

girl pants posted:

My mom [40sF] thinks i [18F] should wear makeup

Just remind her that the fullness of youth has you covered, and you're not yet an old crone who needs aid for physical beauty

then tell her how fertile and glowing you feel, just BURSTING with the light of life, and ask if she's been getting enough sleep because her skin has been looking rather dull lately...as if often the case with women on the decline, but she's looking so good all things considered, for her age you know.

# ? May 15, 2018 05:16

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