Ben Franklin: Shitposter

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Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

Ben Franklin posted:

June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

Ben Franklin posted:

I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, viz. �Une figure quelconque donnee, on demande d�y inscrire le plus grand nombre de fois possible une autre figure plus-petite quelconque, qui est aussi donnee�. I was glad to find by these following Words, �l�Acadeemie a jugee que cette deecouverte, en eetendant les bornes de nos connoissances, ne seroit pas sans UTILITE�, that you esteem Utility an essential Point in your Enquiries, which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philosophical, or as the Learned express it, a physical one, because you could not at the time think of a physical one that promis�d greater Utility.

Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age.

It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.

That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.

That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.

That so retain�d contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c. often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.

Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.

My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreeable, to be mix�d with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying that Smell. He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses; and if he can manage so as to avoid the Report, he may any where give Vent to his Griefs, unnoticed. But as there are many to whom an entire Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and as a little Quick-Lime thrown into a Jakes will correct the amazing Quantity of fetid Air arising from the vast Mass of putrid Matter contain�d in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the Smell, who knows but that a little Powder of Lime (or some other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or perhaps a Glass of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Effect on the Air produc�d in and issuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment. Certain it is also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreeable Odour; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?

For the Encouragement of this Enquiry, (from the immortal Honour to be reasonably expected by the Inventor) let it be considered of how small Importance to Mankind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous. Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the happier, or even the easier, for any Knowledge they have pick�d out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowels! The Knowledge of Newton�s mutual Attraction of the Particles of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is rack�d by their mutual Repulsion, and the cruel Distensions it occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newtonian Prism into seven Colours, can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially if it be converted into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being little inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sight he might delight the Smell of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. The generous Soul, who now endeavors to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Expressing one�s Scent-iments, and pleasing one another, is of infinitely more Importance to human Happiness than that Liberty of the Press, or of abusing one another, which the English are so ready to fight & die for. � In short, this Invention, if completed, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your �Figure quelconque� and the Figures inscrib�d in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a

FART-HING.

We had an eloquent and refined way of writing back then which I feel illustrated points better and carried more meaning than the words we use today, especially when we talk about MILFs and farting.

Tinfoil Papercut fucked around with this message at 12:26 on May 17, 2018

# ? May 17, 2018 12:23

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 17:41

ElectricSheep: Jan 14, 2006; she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.

Ben Franklin was a known connoisseur of old French whores, yes

# ? May 17, 2018 12:27

MD2020: May 30, 2003; she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.

Ben Franklin once predicted the death of a rival on a specific date in his Poor Richard's Almanac. When the date came and went with the rival still living, Franklithe man did in fact in fact die, but got a doppelganger to continue in his place.

Years later, when the rival passed away, Franklin congratulated the doppelganger for finally giving up the charade.

MD2020 fucked around with this message at 12:44 on May 17, 2018

# ? May 17, 2018 12:42

Shania Twain: Aug 25, 2008

~*daydreaming about smoking weed and flying kites with benny*~

# ? May 17, 2018 12:46

Jezza of OZPOS: Mar 21, 2018; GET LOSE❌🗺️, YOUS CAN'T COMPARE😤 WITH ME 💪POWERS🇦🇺

This was a roller coaster of a read akin to the thread titles of gbs at any given moment, v good find

# ? May 17, 2018 12:53

Ponies Ist Krieg: Dec 10, 2017

that too many words
"I'm gay" is much more succinct

# ? May 17, 2018 12:57

Jezza of OZPOS: Mar 21, 2018; GET LOSE❌🗺️, YOUS CAN'T COMPARE😤 WITH ME 💪POWERS🇦🇺

Wait is UTILITY franklins own emphasis?

# ? May 17, 2018 12:59

Tinfoil Papercut: Jul 27, 2016; by Athanatos

Malcolm Turnbeug posted:

Wait is UTILITY franklins own emphasis?

Yes, Franklin saw the higher education and sciences as becoming a bunch of pretentious assholes who sat around and debated nebulous philosophical horseshit all day long. He wanted sciences to focus on improving quality of life and real-world applications.

The fart essay wasn't 100% serious, it was more to make a point and give them the vapors.

# ? May 17, 2018 13:38

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

ben franklin is the patron saint of SA

# ? May 17, 2018 15:40

500excf type r: Mar 7, 2013; I'm as annoying as the high-pitched whine of my motorcycle, desperately compensating for the lack of substance in my life.

I saw a turkey yesterday and thought of ol' Ben

# ? May 17, 2018 16:23

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

I wish more historical figures were like Ben Franklin.

# ? May 17, 2018 16:25

Hector Beerlioz: Jun 16, 2010; aw, hec

i bet ben franklin would get probated a lot

# ? May 17, 2018 16:29

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

Initially read this as Ben Franklin: shapeshifter. I think that thread might�ve been more interesting

# ? May 17, 2018 17:33

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

Benjamin Franklin supported Thomas Jefferson over Alexander Hamilton and is therefore bad, sorry you had to find out like this.

# ? May 17, 2018 17:44

Macasaurus: Oct 12, 2012

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

Benjamin Franklin supported Thomas Jefferson over Alexander Hamilton and is therefore bad, sorry you had to find out like this.

which hamilton song is that in

# ? May 17, 2018 17:52

Halser: Aug 24, 2016

the question is

did Ben Franklin eat rear end

# ? May 17, 2018 17:54

Hector Beerlioz: Jun 16, 2010; aw, hec

Macasaurus posted:

which hamilton song is that in

haha

# ? May 17, 2018 17:56

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

Benjamin Franklin supported Thomas Jefferson over Alexander Hamilton and is therefore bad, sorry you had to find out like this.

one served the plantation owners and the other served the bankers. the correct choice was neither

# ? May 17, 2018 18:29

china bot: Sep 7, 2014; you listen HERE pal
SAY GOODBYE TO TELEPHONE SEX; Plaster Town Cop

he loved getting drunk and had a terrible haircut, one of us

# ? May 17, 2018 18:34

Coolguye: Jul 6, 2011; Required by his programming!

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

Benjamin Franklin supported Thomas Jefferson over Alexander Hamilton and is therefore bad, sorry you had to find out like this.

SciFiDownBeat posted:

one served the plantation owners and the other served the bankers. the correct choice was neither

his choice WAS neither because he died when washington was in his first term. loving lol if you think that anyone was getting 'supported' over georgie dubs until he left office. until then hamilton was running the finance department and making the american system of credit the single most egalitarian system on the planet at the time and jefferson was running the state department and hobnobbing in france. the two men didn't interact much until the clash over the customs department, which was after franklin's death.

also someone post the essay where franklin says an older mistress is better because they're more discreet and women age from the neck up first so in the worst case scenario you can just throw a bag over her head while you're loving her

# ? May 17, 2018 18:37

Coolguye: Jul 6, 2011; Required by his programming!

Halser posted:

the question is

did Ben Franklin eat rear end

there's tons of stories about him just going over to the houses of fashionable ladies in france and playing chess with them while they lounged in the bath, he's just sitting there with that big old breeches and cane stance of his, manspreading all over the place, and she's just sloshing around naked as poo poo while she moves a knight

what i'm saying is probably

# ? May 17, 2018 18:40

phasmid: Jan 16, 2015; Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY

Coolguye posted:

there's tons of stories about him just going over to the houses of fashionable ladies in france and playing chess with them while they lounged in the bath, he's just sitting there with that big old breeches and cane stance of his, manspreading all over the place, and she's just sloshing around naked as poo poo while she moves a knight

what i'm saying is probably

He sounds like a player.

# ? May 17, 2018 18:44

Hector Beerlioz: Jun 16, 2010; aw, hec

Coolguye posted:

also someone post the essay where franklin says an older mistress is better because they're more discreet and women age from the neck up first so in the worst case scenario you can just throw a bag over her head while you're loving her

that's what the op is

# ? May 17, 2018 19:15

Coolguye: Jul 6, 2011; Required by his programming!

oh yeah my bad i only read the first paragraph

good poo poo benny f :cool:

# ? May 17, 2018 19:19

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

can someone post the drunk history video(s) about ben franklin (played by jack black), I'm at work

# ? May 17, 2018 19:25

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Can't post for 2 hours!

Diogenes was the original poo poo poster

# ? May 17, 2018 19:31

Ginette Reno: Nov 18, 2006; How Doers get more done; Fun Shoe

phasmid posted:

He sounds like a player.

He was.

quote:

Franklin's libido was apparently so strong, he himself was scared of it. In his autobiography, he confessed: "the hard-to-be-governed passion of my youth had hurried me frequently into intrigues with low women that fell in my way."

# ? May 17, 2018 19:36

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

https://twitter.com/leyawn/status/585859882869469184?s=09

# ? May 17, 2018 19:41

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

ElectricSheep posted:

Ben Franklin was a known connoisseur of old French whores, yes

his french whores were canadian girlfriends. he was bragging about non-existent sexual adventures, which is pretty dang goony.

# ? May 17, 2018 19:46

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 17:41

Mooey Cow: Jan 27, 2018; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Pillbug

Ben Frankling posted:

Verily, you thought your friend John Adams had died, but nay, instead I trick'd you and Goats'd you. Behold this graphique drawing I have made of a man's colon whilst I laugh so forcefully that my arse falls to the ground as if cleav'd in twixt.

T. Jefferson, in reply to letter from B.F. posted:

Hello old friend.

# ? May 17, 2018 19:55

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