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I like it! I think you could probably lop off the first stanza, though - it doesn't add anything to the story. (Also for some reason in my head it's Nick Cave performing this  )
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Apr 18, 2018 14:53
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Agreed, very funny! Good rhymes and assonance which made it very musical. I definitely liked it. Some suggestions: 1. Definitely cut the first stanza, I agree with Lofi. It doesn’t add anything and cheapens the humor with cheese. 2. Pay close attention to your meter. One of the biggest strengths of the first half of the poem is that your meter and rhymes are close to spot on. It breaks down a bit in the second half and you lose some musicality because of it. 3. Your weakest stanza is “Glazing...” but really the last three are very weak compared to the rest. I suggest starting there for edits. Overall a very lyrical attempt that I really dig. Fix some of the meter and the close of the poemand you’ve got a good ballad 
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Apr 18, 2018 16:47
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Thank you! I also felt that the last 3 stanzas were the weakest but I rushed a bit to submit it in time for a competition so it suffers a lot from "first draft"-itis, which I'd like to rework. I'll start with those and see what comes out
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Apr 18, 2018 17:11
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PurdWerfect posted:I have zero knowledge of poetry but I like words alot. Anyway, this is recent. Critique away. Hi. circling back to this poem. I really like these four bolded lines. like they are really good. you've got great imagery and theme going with them. the other ones, maybe they have some imagery and maybe they advance the theme, but they're either kind of pretentiously worded (presence of teeth is promise of fangs, what the heck that's not a sentence!!), or they aren't that clear (also see above). each and every line needs to pack a punch so something like "high and low then snapped back to middle" is just too empty for me
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Apr 18, 2018 19:13
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Also here is a blatant plug for my poetry workshop thread... https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3853119 Come write poems with us! Once we’re done with the book I was thinking we could maybe do a Thunderdome style poetry thread (“Thunderpoem”?)
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Apr 18, 2018 19:22
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I'm well on for that.
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Apr 19, 2018 11:03
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GenJoe posted:Hi. circling back to this poem. I really like these four bolded lines. like they are really good. you've got great imagery and theme going with them. Thanks for this, it's really helpful feedback. I don't say this to get a pass on my writing, but in this case, the friend I'm writing this for very much has death on their mind. We all do, but this person's concern is so much more immediate. I write to very specific people and situations, and yes, I'm pretentious often. High and low and snapped back to middle is very weak, and I need to find a better way to say how our feelings are so unsteady and scattered. Again, thank you.
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Apr 20, 2018 06:54
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Here’s something dumb: Cereal Did you hear about the maniac? The one who’s evading the copse? I’ve heard the police captain has all the troupes out looking for him. They say he’s a killer, evil down to his very sole. He’s sleighed five already. I wouldn’t want to him to meat me in a dark alley, let me tell you. I don’t go out at night anymore, even with the extra police presents. You red about that girl? The last one to dye? She was chaste all the way from 7th to 10th street, but no one did anything about it. It’s a shame the rain washed away all the clues, a real dam shame.
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Apr 20, 2018 20:16
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^ Needs more puns. The rain/dam red/dye lines are my favourites. I'd probably switch the dark alley and police presents lines around, so you can have sleighed and presents following each other. I've done more of the 'random generated word, 1h to make a poem' thing, and I swear the generator is taking the piss: Yawn An orbit is just a fall without an impact. Earth falls towards Sun, you fall towards Earth. When you fall at the same speed, in the same direction, you stay together. A careless change in velocity, and you drift apart. Chasm yawns between ship and pilot, glacial, unstoppable. No friendly ground here, no equal and opposite, no way to exert strength To change your fall, all you can do is cast mass away. Exhale. Breath held in vacuum detonates lungs. Close eyes, lest the moisture boil off as they freeze. Alarms fade without air to transmit them. Throw it all behind you and fly. lofi fucked around with this message at 00:56 on Apr 22, 2018 |
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Apr 22, 2018 00:52
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areyoucontagious posted:Here’s something dumb: I like this. Words are fun.
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Apr 22, 2018 04:26
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I didn't realize there was a proper poetry thread on SA! I'll look back at some stuff posted semi-recently and give my thoughts, but I wanted to ask if it's alright I post a thing or two even if I'm not exactly a "newbie" (I've been writing poetry for like 7 years now or so) but I haven't been published by a big magazine or publishing house or anything so whether I'm good is just subjective I guess.
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Apr 23, 2018 03:16
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as the new to thread posting OP i say Post Away
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Apr 23, 2018 04:30
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ibts posted:I didn't realize there was a proper poetry thread on SA! I'll look back at some stuff posted semi-recently and give my thoughts, but I wanted to ask if it's alright I post a thing or two even if I'm not exactly a "newbie" (I've been writing poetry for like 7 years now or so) but I haven't been published by a big magazine or publishing house or anything so whether I'm good is just subjective I guess. 
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Apr 23, 2018 06:13
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lofi posted:
I’m underwhelmed. This isn’t nearly as strong as some of your other stuff. I think a large part of the problem is A) title, which makes me think I’m bored already, B) the vagueness of the language- this feels like a technical document where every other line is skipped in an effort to be poetic, and C) structure, which is needlessly complicated. Personally I’d junk this one :/
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Apr 23, 2018 23:01
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Here’s some twee garbage I wrote after reading one of the recently published poems on the American poetry review. Sometimes things are pretty self indulgent so I tried to replicate the effort. Mirrors in the night time I keep a mirror in my closet Back with my shirts and boxed-up winter clothes it hangs reflecting the darkness of and around my face Just me Looking into a well Seeing (not seeing) That I am the same as everything else That my clothes my face my eyes it’s all colorless in the dark quiet space of my clutter
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Apr 23, 2018 23:08
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areyoucontagious posted:Personally I’d junk this one :/ It's ok, you don't need to sugarcoat your feedback.  I might try salvaging the idea for this week's rewrite prompt in the learning thread (plug plug).
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Apr 24, 2018 14:26
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Sorry for posting two back to back but I need help with a metaphor and improving some of the lines. Looming In my concrete backyard I wait and watch the moonrise over the fence. Something rots in the humid air. This night will be a bad one. Watching the moonrise, over the fence I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife. This night will be a bad one. The sharp scream makes my jaws clench. I hear my neighbor arguing with his wife; his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat. The whiskey shout makes my jaws clench. I stand on my tiptoes to see his blows splat like fastballs on raw meat. In my concrete backyard I wait and watch. I stand on my tiptoes to see something rot in the humid air.
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Apr 24, 2018 18:10
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areyoucontagious posted:Sorry for posting two back to back but I need help with a metaphor and improving some of the lines. It's got good atmosphere, but I think there's too much repetition of lines, it goes past emphasis into annoying. Feels like you've got half a poem and then padded it out. What there is is solid.
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Apr 24, 2018 18:47
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lofi posted:It's got good atmosphere, but I think there's too much repetition of lines, it goes past emphasis into annoying. Feels like you've got half a poem and then padded it out. What there is is solid. It’s actually my attempt at a pantoum!  But yeah, I think the language is too simple for the weaving to be effective. I wrote it because I read this: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/146237/halcyon-kitchen
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Apr 24, 2018 19:56
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Oooh, I came across this last week when I said to my writer friend 'what the gently caress is one of them'. I stand by my view - it might be interesting to write one and stretch yourself, but they're shite to read. They come across like a fever dream to me, and not in a fun way. #luddite
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Apr 25, 2018 04:08
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lofi posted:Oooh, I came across this last week when I said to my writer friend 'what the gently caress is one of them'. I stand by my view - it might be interesting to write one and stretch yourself, but they're shite to read. They come across like a fever dream to me, and not in a fun way. I feel the same way. Villanelles too for the same reason . It was fun to write though.
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Apr 25, 2018 04:15
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ok ! here's something i wrote just a little while ago that i'm pretty proud of knife-eyed, madeline shivers under a jacket sleeved in black and purple painted against her back with the call: "gently caress OFF" oriented along her spine shimmer off her jacket under thumping scarlets i want her hair along my tongue / cut the layers till our skins got no barrier and at night im biting the ends of her nails verses dripping down her cheek unfettered woman “gently caress you” on the edge of her lips at all hours kickin her head back forked tongue on display teeth of salt & vampyr she tries to soothe my shivering knuckle bones “just fake it till you make it, gal” she purrs lashes razor'd mists of musk haunting the inside of her elbows outstretched air thick with pearl her glittered talons sinking into boy flesh bent over railing and railing and railing till she's slung back cackling about the "static surging her sensory" madie evaporates all-lavender scented into the nearby bathroom stalls entourage of steamed up boys led passions first the dj yells like white noise over the crowd... ....she's groaning like she's in a desperate heat.... as the walls her screams barely overpowered..... vibing a 1986 chicago dance club..... ... they all peak above the crowd's vigor slithering back bold seductress she is, her haunts "exorcised," she asserts those glinting claws slithering up my side her breaths charring my senses as her hand is buried past my belt i feel my irises fracture as she sighs: "us serpents got poison like lava and got a bloodlust like no other you're simmering with want" i slump along the curvature of the sofa spine throw my gaze against racing neons under pink shadows her hands pull away and clasp her face hiding beneath the mess of her black mane air muddy with vice glass spilt blood and devil turned devil sigil of valac burned onto her the coke lines from me twinned serpents consuming their way out her white-stained nostrils steeled over pupils as her blood spatters my jaw and i urge my head up 13 degrees "i've seen this too many times, now"
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Apr 26, 2018 01:40
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ibts posted:
Overall I like the drive, the coked up feel, but it could use some work. I liked a lot of it!
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Apr 26, 2018 05:33
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areyoucontagious posted:Overall I like the drive, the coked up feel, but it could use some work. I liked a lot of it! this is gnarly critique thank you so much!!! while i love my circle of friends dearly getting unbiased critique this forward is very difficult and extraordinarily valuable to me i'll definitely look into taking your critique into account when i edit this eventually!!!
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Apr 26, 2018 06:30
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ibts posted:this is gnarly critique thank you so much!!! Happy to do it and I would gladly accept the same! I’m excited to see this thread pump up with some more content.
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Apr 26, 2018 08:10
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areyoucontagious posted:Happy to do it and I would gladly accept the same! I’m excited to see this thread pump up with some more content. yeah yeah!! and oh boy i have lots of it. i won't so ridiculous as to post super old stuff i've written but maybe some other recent things? some of them similarly melodramatic and silly nonsense 
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Apr 26, 2018 23:13
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We Perform For The Gods My glass bell chimes in time with the dancers - flowing scarlet, blue, and black - to better please our audience of human beings and gods. The rites have carried down in proper oral tradition tattooed in grandmotherly whispers on our young ear drums. Our arms are bent in divine angles, ratios set by wizened men whose milky eyes can track the whorl of the heavens. We perform for the gods. We perform for the gods, but enjoy the applause from the imperfect hands of our fellow mortals.
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Apr 28, 2018 00:54
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areyoucontagious posted:We Perform For The Gods i really love the line "tattooed in grandmotherly whispers" a lot. i don't have much significant to say about specific things in this other than that, this is really succinct and cohesive. reminds me of the type of stuff i used to write about a long time ago, actually, i used to have this obsession for a long time with writing about religion and stuff.
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May 1, 2018 02:08
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green tea lattes get me through the day nerve drifter a morning break in agave powder boys waking dreams, snow in spring, forest ashes the wrong talk spit lull rabid birds with burial tonics become beautiful trash stir well
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May 10, 2018 03:25
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spectres of autism posted:green tea lattes get me through the day I really like a few lines of this- morning break in agave is really musical to me. This whole poem is like a beck song to me. Really musical, but if there was a message I totally missed it. It’s a similar “problem” as some of your past poems but I’m trying to broaden my horizons a bit So yeah, some evocative lines (except powder boys, that fell flat for me) but lacking a concrete cohesion. The alliteration of birds with burial is cool too.
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May 11, 2018 06:53
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Redact
PurdWerfect fucked around with this message at 13:02 on May 18, 2018 |
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May 16, 2018 05:54
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Valley of crystals 50,000 watts Emanating towers All these waves Wash over And no way to escape All this noise in Miles wide empty At three in the morning Its heard nine states away Lone driver, its dark Where are we going Listen to the spaces Between these sounds
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May 23, 2018 01:30
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I spring from violence, but it will not spring from me, at least outward. I will erode myself instead of tearing at another. The anger is so obviously there, and I'm in love with the idea of eating another's sins, and naming my own. I consume and am consumed by my own graceful mouth. I can live with this, loving tragedy so eloquent. The falling lifts me, and I fly in gutters crafted by the history I see, open eyed at late hours. And I am lost. And I am saved. We burn on our own, not knowing the ways we light for others. If not where, I know why I shine. Read by me. Light my way too.
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Jun 7, 2018 22:40
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PurdWerfect posted:Valley of crystals so this is about white noise? i like it, i can kind of relate to it right now. it kind of shift gears towards solitude which i find jarring? the last two lines are really good. PurdWerfect posted:I spring from violence, but it will not spring from me, at least outward. I will erode myself instead of tearing at another. The anger is so obviously there, and I'm in love with the idea of eating another's sins, and naming my own. I consume and am consumed by my own graceful mouth. I can live with this, loving tragedy so eloquent. The falling lifts me, and I fly in gutters crafted by the history I see, open eyed at late hours. And I am lost. And I am saved. We burn on our own, not knowing the ways we light for others. If not where, I know why I shine. Read by me. Light my way too. i don't like this one. it's too "i contain multitudes." you try to save it at the end with the "we," including human nature in your complexity, but im not sure that works. maybe you wrote it just to vent some stuff which i fully approve of.
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Jun 11, 2018 06:02
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double post but i wrote this based on a book i read y o i c k i remember manic walking tempered now white delirium he was chaining darts until he smelled like smoke snacks they dream about ice and lace up your blisters maybe i liked it better when he was in love
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Jun 11, 2018 06:09
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PurdWerfect posted:Valley of crystals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBwK2s734DQ  I like it, super-atmospheric!SoA, yours feels like a good idea, but it needs more context to mean much to me - I'm a huge fan of being concise, but I think this one's too pared down.
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Jun 12, 2018 14:16
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Fare thee well, pilgrim Sing out with me Fare thee well, traveler Ride out with me Light tendrils stretch out Looking for the sun The sun, its long set So they'll light our way A horse in a meadow Has pricking-up ears That sound is the morning Returning for us The sky is the landmark Rubbing up against all You can never be lost In riding for dawn Fare thee well, pilgrim Ride out with me Fare thee well, traveler Won't you sing out with me
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Jun 13, 2018 14:12
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crossposting from the pyf forums quotes thread because these were posted as part of an off topic tangent about slam poetry. i hadn't ever really written poetry before, but whilst pretty inebriated I decided to try out slam poetry at open mic night at my local bar. this was the result:quote:my dog was in the yard it was extremely well received (or so i was told as i barely remember getting onstage and performing it) so a week or two later I tried out another: quote:summertime i didn't remember performing this one either, a friend just found the napkin i wrote it down on and sent it to me, she said this one was just as well received by the audience. i wish i remembered  i like them, and the folks in the forum quotes thread seem to like them too. i think i'm gonna try writing more poetry
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Jun 16, 2018 03:44
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Gatekeeper posted:i hadn't ever really written poetry before, but whilst pretty inebriated I decided to try out slam poetry at open mic night at my local bar. this was the result: Requesting some goon do a dramatic reading of these TYIA
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Jun 16, 2018 12:41
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gatekeeper you are an a+ poster and v inspiring please keep poetrying. maybe record yrself? e for content sepia germs make me hate myself i know what it is to be filthy when i gouge white wrists in ghosts i remember saying i was sad oracles under your nails will call for your dust reach out when it's time to cleanse yourself your tears cake up before you see someone found an eclipse in their eyes but it's your skill to wash charm from your fingertips take the moon fucked around with this message at 21:54 on Jun 20, 2018 |
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Jun 20, 2018 20:02
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