OfChristandMen posted:

I gotta get a purple. Mint, we gotta JOKER up and destroy all these other candy losers into Abolish-MINT.

AnonymousNarcotics posted:

Wow gently caress you plumpy

Birdstrike posted:

I’m writing a story it’s pretty good

and by good I mean bad, like team lollipop

AJ_Impy posted:

Oh, what a surprise, Chocolate is bitter and melts in the slightest heat.

Moatillata posted:

Can you finish mine bc I'm probably never gonna get around to it

WereGoat posted:

Cats or GTFO

Captain Foo posted:

look at this mf who doesn't even like candy

Moatillata posted:

This is bullshit I helped pay her kids way thru college

Birdstrike posted:

clown college

hexwren posted:

No turn tonight, I've wrecked something in my back and all the standing up and sitting down and crouching to take photos and the walking back and forth to the board is just not doable. We'll be back on in 24 hours or so. In the meantime, play on.

hexwren posted:

No turn tonight, I've wrecked something in my back and all the standing up and sitting down and crouching to take photos and the walking back and forth to the board is just not doable. We'll be back on in 24 hours or so. In the meantime, play on.

AJ_Impy posted:

Candied Companion Challenge!



These are my cats. This is rare archive footage of them not engaged in world war cat whilst in close proximity. As we're in the middle of a heat wave, they're currently not doing much cuddling for warmth.



The huge grey ball of fluff is called Will. We append a variety of suffixes to that, such as Willard, Wilberforce, Willy the Magic Kitty (My wife has an irrepressible streak of whimsy) and the like. He is incredibly sociable, and will mount an expedition to claim your lap should you take a seat within his demesne, whoever you may be.

The orange streak of nervous energy is called Tesla. He will run and hide for several hours if any unauthorised people cross our threshold even briefly. For those individuals who do pass muster, he will happily stand on to his heart's content, with no regard for propriety or personal space. I think they deserve some treats, don't you?



Tesla seems disdainful, shunning the treats as if I'd offered him some gummy candy, bubblegum or similar subpar comestible.



Willmington is at least paying attention, though his expression tells its own story. At least I'm able to give him them this time.

If this earns a ##Joker, it's lay the cards on the table time, and we would like to play it, please.

Birdstrike posted:

BiRDSTRiKE’S CHALLENGE NUMBER WHATEVER EROTiC RESTRiCTiON FiCTiON

The opulence of the scene before her in no way suggested the mortal dread Marja was now feeling. But what could be done? Mere hours ago the President of the United States was brash and loud and full of life, and now he was dead. As Donald Trump stiffened into the great beyond, it fell to Marja and her team to SAVE CIVILISATION.

Marja entered the room in hermetically sealed hazmat gear. If the Secret Service had performed a sweep before she got there it was impossible to tell - the penthouse of Helsinki’s Grand Perkele Hotel betrayed no clues of prior interference.

Not a hair was present, let alone out of place. What happened to that orange mop?

“It’s eerie,” said Sirpa as she followed closely behind Marja, also in full hazmat gear. “No signs of a life.”

“Compose yourself” Marja retorted impatiently. “We’re here to find evidence, keep your opinions quiet until your shift is over.”

It was Marja’s duty to find evidence, conduct geopolitical analysis to find why Russia possibly assassinated the US President in Helsinki. But so many questions still lingered, chief among them, why would Russia kill Trump, the best ally they’ve ever had?

Marja’s impertinence toward Sirpa belied her feelings of unease. After reading about the escapades of the President in hotel rooms with other women and his penchant for watersports, Marja expected the room to be filthy. But this one looked untouched. The only items of evidence Trump had ever been in the room were the soccer ball he had given to Barron, as round and smooth as that child’s brain; and a half eaten box of chocolates which were gifted by Putin.

One of Marja’s younger assistants, Sami, barged into the room. “What’s taking so long ladies?” he asked insouciantly.

Marja turned to this young man who was play-acting at POTUS. “You idiot!” she yelled though her helmet muffled the sound. “Where is your protective suit? You’ll contaminate the scene.”

“Haha,” Sami laughed, “the only thing you’ll contaminate in those suits is a circus. For clowns.”

“Besides, it’s a hotel room. It’s already contaminated by god-knows-what” Sami chortled as he popped two of the darkly glistening chocolates into his mouth with millennial haste. He savoured that glorious mix of sweet and umami flavours as the confections melted over his tongue, a sweet worthy of being given to the most powerful man in the world.

Within seconds Sami collapsed to the ground, his mouth now spouting a dark brown foam, sticky and with a sickly sweet smell. Arms and legs flailed and twitched as Sami’s lithe and taut body convulsed in agonising pain, screaming inaudibly as he choked on the cocoa-coloured foam.

Marja, stunned, watched in horror as Sami’s death throes continued. She thought to tell Sirpa to run and get help, but if the medics rushed in without protective suits than surely they would die as well, such was the potency of the deadly substances involved. As Marja stood paralysed, Sirpa had put all the pieces together.

“Vittu!This isn’t chocolate.

It’s novichokolate.”

Of course, Sirpa was wrong. Sure, the chocolate was highly, highly poisonous, but that was from improper storage allowing bacteria to flourish in the northern summer.

No, chocolate didn’t kill The Don. He hadn’t touched the stuff. Donald Trump hated chocolate. It reminded him too much of Europeans, and they were losers. Putin told him to give them to Nancy, but Jared was hungry and didn’t know how to order any food in Finnish.

No, Donald Trump much preferred good old fashioned, all-American Haribo gummy bears from Germany. “They made a cartoon about them, you know” he would tell people for no particular reason. “They’re winners.”

If Marja and Sirpa has bothered to look in the bathroom they would have found two empty packs of gummy bears, the Orange One’s favourite snack. That final morsel was too much for his digestive system to gummy bear, and so it vacated his body to lie festering in the hotel bathroom.

Prince of Space posted:

More Jokers for the Joker God:

CHALLENGE 4: CANDIED COMPANIONS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM4vU52HLww

In which Marlowe the cat eats a rare treat: banana!

Dog Kisser posted:

Cool, cool, cool.

##joker

Captain Foo posted:

##joker

throw all those other candies in the garbage because our succ is too mighty

Ramos posted:

##joker

Gotta keep going.

AJ_Impy posted:

As it was between the processing of the last turn, I reiterate the ##joker for this.

AnonymousNarcotics posted:

It's cold and lonely back here

Dog Kisser posted:

##joker

Prince of Space posted:

Man I know I'm gonna eat my words cuz this is motherfucking Candyland and all but I just wanna say it's been a real pleasure beating you all to the endzone.

AnonymousNarcotics posted:

Somebody gave me some gummy bears to eat the other day. They were gross.

Dog Kisser posted:

##joker

Prince of Space posted:

Birdstrike posted:

DEHUMANIZE YOURSELF
AND FACE TO
G U M M Y

Prince of Space posted:

JOKER CHALLENGE #1: CANDY IN MY EYES

Having found the listings for the nearest candy shop in Los Angeles I went to my local mall and immediately got lost on the wrong floor.

Lolli and Pops Purveryors of Sweets! Seems promising, just from the exterior alone...

Walking inside, and there is row after row of fine chocolates to choose from.

Here's the shop in its entirety, from the entrance.

In the very back of the store is a giant golden gummi bear!

They had their gummi station in the back.

Giant Golden Gummy up close!

They also had their sour station in the back, on the other side, as well as tins and boxes you could buy for gifting candies. I just grabbed a plastic bag and started filling it!

I stopped taking pictures so I don't get to show you the various buckets of chocolate and fruity candies they also had in the other sections, but rest assured they were there!

Back home with a big ol' bag! Here's the stash:

Crunchy Nuggets (exotic), Turkish Delights (exotic), a generic Lollipop, several Pecan, Caramel, and Chocolate Patties, two scoops of Mint Chocolate Malt Balls, some Gummi Watermelon slices, and a scoop of Lightning Gumballs. I felt like every Candyland team was represented this way.

I started with the Chocolate, Pecan and Caramel Patties.

Really soft and gooey chewy, with only the mildest crunch possible from the nuts inside. Quite delicious!

Next up were several Mint Chocolate Malt Balls. I had never seen these before and needed to give them a try!

As a fan of mint chocolate ice cream, these are amazing! The outer coating of mint was a little waxier than the layer of chocolate in the middle, but when you eat them whole it hardly makes a difference!

Into the fridge those went, for later. It's much too hot out here to just leave chocolate sitting out! Here's the next bag of goodies:

My favorite kind of Sour Patch Kids candy are the watermelon slices, so when I saw these stacks of jelly watermelons sitting in the candy buckets I had to give them a try!

This was a good decision. The gelatin of the jelly watermelon was still sticky, sweet and supple, and felt "meaty" to the bite. The green watermelon rind section was actually harder than the rest of the gummi, which came as a fun tactile surprise!

Last but not least, the Lightning Gumballs. I picked the pink one and bit in.

Ugh. I was expecting tart flavors to the gum itself, I was expecting a sour edge to add a kick of "lightning" to it. What I wasn't expecting was a generic, flavorless, 25-cent gumball machine gumball wrapped around a pure ball of sour salts. I've never chewed a gum so fast just to make the acidic flavor go away.

When the sour flavor had fully left the gum I promptly spat it out and popped another gumball in my mouth just to see if I wasn't imaging things. Pretty sure I burned my tongue on the sour salts from that second one!

In fact, that last candy was so bad I'll have to put the rest of the candy tour on hold for now. I'll save my exotic and generic treats for another challenge!

Birdstrike posted:

##joker me

Dog Kisser posted:

##joker