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Is this the vampire LARP thread? I'm in. 
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Jul 31, 2018 22:02
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I want to write an in-depth crit for a recent Thunderdome story. First to request gets it. I know I owe a few other closer looks at stories that I kinda weakly critted earlier. I'll get to those soon too.
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Jul 31, 2018 22:03
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christ, it's been a literal year gimme a vampire please
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Jul 31, 2018 22:42
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Chili posted:I want to write an in-depth crit for a recent Thunderdome story. First to request gets it. I'd take a crit on my story from week 310 (Revolver) if you'd be so kind!
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Jul 31, 2018 23:14
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In. I will WERE my usual words into worse words.
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Jul 31, 2018 23:16
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MockingQuantum posted:I'd take a crit on my story from week 310 (Revolver) if you'd be so kind! I'll have that done tonight.
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Jul 31, 2018 23:23
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Who dares disturb my eternal slumber?
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Jul 31, 2018 23:24
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I'm in; were-critter me up.
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Jul 31, 2018 23:40
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brawl entry: Lucky Break 489 words “Ocean Prime. Noon.” That’s all Will’s text said. The cab ride gave Porter more than enough time to worry over what was implied between those words. “One?” the host asked once he was inside. “I’m meeting someone.” Porter pulled up a photo of Will with him on the plane. Just before the jump. “Oh, I know him! He’s that MMA guy! Well, he was, I guess. Right this way.” Porter felt underdressed, his forehead damp despite the blaring AC. “What’s up?” Will smiled through a mouthful of crab. The host fled before he could be sprayed with shell. “Not, uh, not too much.” Porter swallowed and tried not to stare at Will’s cast as it rested on the chair to his side. Porter winced as Will smashed open more crab legs, the noise all too familiar. “Siddown,” Will gestured with a lobster pick. Not seeing he had any choice, Porter complied. If Will was going to sue, he would’ve sent a letter, right? Maybe it was a social call. “We gotta talk about the jump.” Will poured champagne and nudged the glass toward him, leaving a fishy thumbprint. Guess not. “Listen, I couldn’t—“ Porter started. “You could. You owe me that much, at least. Missed you inna hospital,” Will said. The signatures of the other students decorated Will’s cast in various colors. Porter drank. “I suppose that’s true.” “If you hadn’t grabbed onto me when my chute didn’t open, I’d probably be dead.” Will slurped an oyster, somberness notably absent. “You could say that,” Porter said. Wasn’t that supposed to be his argument? It was so hot. He saw his reflection in the silver holder on the Fiji bottle. Nervous. Nervous meant guilty. He surreptitiously wiped his forehead. “While I was at the hospital, my mom brought a mega millions scratcher with my numbers, like I always do on Fridays, but I couldn’t, y’see.” Will was sweating too, and he was getting redder as he spoke, though he didn’t seem angry. “Right.” Porter said. Will reached into a leather bag on his lap. Porter tensed. He relaxed when Will pulled out a brick of cash. “If she hadn’t bought the ticket from the bodega by the hospital insteada the one by our building, I wouldn’t've won. I know you hadda refund the people who didn’t get to jump and all. Thanks.” Porter covered the brick with his napkin and pulled it into his lap. “That’s--” he stopped himself before he could screw himself and say it wasn’t necessary. “Thanks. Guess you’ll have to find a new way to get your adrenaline kick, huh?” The waiter came to survey the carnage. “Sir, are you all right?” he asked Will, who was nearly as red as the lobster by now. Will waved him away and pulled an EpiPen from his bag. He jabbed it into his thigh and took a deep breath. “I’ll figure something out. Lemme see the dessert menu.”
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Aug 1, 2018 01:15
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hey crabrock were you gonna be around for judging any time soon, or...? also, more prompts will be out in a bit.
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Aug 1, 2018 01:47
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 quantum of solitair brawl results Neither of you slammed down a story with real moonlight love energy. I don't know why goons have the lemming-like urge to subvert prompts, but both of you decided that showing up to a magical girl duel with tales of bureaucracy and ennui, and the most I can say is that one of you managed to sparkle just a little brighter than the other. MockingQuantum - Your opening made me crack a grin and the rest of your story only succeeded in squandering that momentum. There are crucial parts in the logic of your story that are missing or lacking. Why were none of the other junior scouts helping your protagonist fight? Her logic for holding them back and trying to go it alone was never apparent to me. Nor was the argument that the original scouts quitting would break the spirits of the others ever fully realized. Your ending can be summed up as 'the main character was wrong and this whole dilemna was never really that big of a deal' and that's a terrible conclusion. Solitair - I really hoped you were going somewhere with her aversion to sentai masks, but as best as I could tell, she just had a phobia of them. Shrug? My hopes for this story to at least go somewhere with its choice to subvert the prompt and dive into a kind of gritty buddy-cop aesthetic died there. Even if you had gone genuinely dark, instead of a lukewarm grey in-between, this story would have been brought down by its long expositionary scenes and muted characters. It lacked showsmanship. Seems like killing your kid over her being a magical girl is bit of an overreaction, but by that point, I was honestly checksd out. MockingQuantum wins, on having tighter pacing, better action, the theoretical bones of a decent plot and a gloriously goofy opening.
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Aug 1, 2018 02:05
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[b] CI/IC Adrenaline Brawl https://thunderdome.cc/brawls.php?story=582 curlingiron fucked around with this message at 07:02 on Dec 31, 2018 |
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Aug 1, 2018 02:29
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ThirdEmperor posted:
It's because of madoka magica
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Aug 1, 2018 02:30
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gently caress it, sign me up as a vampire. i'm in like flint.
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Aug 1, 2018 02:52
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Team were-beast, please.
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Aug 1, 2018 03:13
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ThirdEmperor posted:Is this the vampire LARP thread? I'm in. Strength: Your vampire's bite soothes others' pain, for a while. Weakness: The earth hates your vampire, and will stop at nothing to crush them if they go underground. dmboogie posted:christ, it's been a literal year Strength: Upon passing into any territory or jurisdiction (state, county, city, province, etc.), your vampire instantly knows all laws and polices in effect in that area. Weakness: Your vampire must always abide by local laws. Noah posted:In. I will WERE my usual words into worse words. You got the glamorous were-peacock! Jeza posted:Who dares disturb my eternal slumber? Tsk tsk, a vampire should know there is a certain etiquette to gaining entry. Let me see an 'in' before I reveal your prompt. Antivehicular posted:I'm in; were-critter me up. You got the hooded were-cobra! Blind Sally posted:gently caress it, sign me up as a vampire. i'm in like flint. Strength: Your vampire's voice, even just a whisper, can shatter glass, if they so choose. Weakness: Your vampire will attract inconvenient hordes of fireflies if they stay in one place for too long. Lippincott posted:Team were-beast, please. You got the fearsome were-scorpion!
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Aug 1, 2018 03:56
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Alright Mocking Quantum, here's your crit: What? So wait. He wants to walk the eather forever… but then he kills himself? Why did he kill his brother? What? Wait, what? Why did any of this happen? You go to so much trouble to talk about how he expects this business will be haunting, and you even mention how he plans to heal over it in the coming month… but he clearly wasn’t planning on healing his blown apart brain? I don’t understand what you’re setting out to do with this story. It’s told clearly enough and you have a few nice turns of phrase peppered throughout it, but overall, what in the world were you trying to do with it apart from painting a somewhat tired picture of a grizzled cowboy with problems who does some bad things? It’s very possible I missed something major, but if I didn’t I don’t know what to make of this. ___ I went through it and provided reactions as I was reading it, there's a lot there, so please do check it out. You can see it on gdocs here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ONg65KrCVcQ5Vc77Eo-kJSsd09ipu-q2v7uxtoO5JKM/edit?usp=sharing
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Aug 1, 2018 04:12
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Nm
Screaming Idiot fucked around with this message at 15:52 on Aug 1, 2018 |
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Aug 1, 2018 05:51
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Can I just check: with the new prompt are we supposed to be writing this in first person or free to do as we choose?
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Aug 1, 2018 06:34
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Doing my crit for the sweet sweet extra words, first person to ask gets it.
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Aug 1, 2018 06:36
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Bacon Terrorist posted:Can I just check: with the new prompt are we supposed to be writing this in first person or free to do as we choose? You can write from any point of view! Just as long as your story features the vampire/were-creature described, more or less.
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Aug 1, 2018 06:41
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In. Vampire. For Buffy, wherever she is.
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Aug 1, 2018 07:07
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CurlingClergy Brawl Result Neither of these stories really delivered what I had in mind when I gave you “adrenaline” as your prompt. Your might be thinking, therefore, that this was a difficult brawl to judge. However, as Invisible Clergy’s story was bad, whereas Curlingiron’s story was, on the other hand, good, it was actually more straightforward than you might have expected.  Curlingiron doesn’t so much win as completely destroys Invisible Clergy Here’s why: Lucky Break by Invisible Clergy “Ocean Prime. Noon.” Ok cool so the protag's a spy? That’s all Will’s text said. The cab ride gave Porter more than enough time to worry over what was implied between those words. Oh wait no he's not. This is a boring introduction to a story that I know is very short. “One?” the host asked once he was inside. The host? Are we in, like, a host bar? “I’m meeting someone.” Porter pulled up a photo of Will with him on the plane. Just before the jump. “Oh, I know him! He’s that MMA guy! Well, he was, I guess. Right this way.” Oh god is this going to be MMA fanfic? Porter felt underdressed, his forehead damp despite the blaring AC. "Blaring" is a weird thing for AC to do. “What’s up?” Will smiled through a mouthful of crab. The host fled before he could be sprayed with shell. Ok what is going on here? Is Will some sort of huge-jawed monster, spraying bits of crab body as he crushes them with his giant teeth? “Not, uh, not too much.” Porter swallowed and tried not to stare at Will’s cast as it rested on the chair to his side. Great, so here we see there was an accident and Porter feels guilty about it. Well done. BUT, you wasted precious words on Porter saying something totally pointless. Porter winced as Will smashed open more crab legs, the noise all too familiar. I think you're implying here that the sound of cracking crab shell sounds like Will's leg breaking. This really doesn't work for me - it doesn't tell me anything about the nature of the accident (apart from, apparently, Will's leg shattered into a million pieces with a light cracking sound) and just leaves me frowning in confusion. “Siddown,” Will gestured with a lobster pick. Will is poorly characterised at this point. He used to fight MMA, has a broken leg, eats crabs like a barbarian, and doesn't enunciate his words. Instead of wasting words on weird crab similes and chitchat you could've told me what he looks like and how they know each other. Not seeing he had any choice, Porter complied. If Will was going to sue, he would’ve sent a letter, right? Maybe it was a social call. This para contradicts itself; he has no choice, but wait, it might all be fine. “We gotta talk about the jump.” Will poured champagne and nudged the glass toward him, leaving a fishy crabs aren't fish thumbprint. Guess not. “Listen, I couldn’t—“ Porter started. Pointless words! “You could. You owe me that much, at least. Missed you inna hospital,” Will said. "Inna" is unnecessary. The signatures of the other students decorated Will’s cast in various colors. Wait, students? I thought these guys were adults - Will at least lives large and drinks champagne at lunchtime - but now they're students? Or is Porter a sky-diving instructor? But if he was a professional instructor why is he being summoned via text message to a weird lunch rendezvous? Urrrgh confused... Porter drank. “I suppose that’s true.” More pointless words. “If you hadn’t grabbed onto me when my chute didn’t open, I’d probably be dead.” Will slurped an oyster, somberness notably absent. Should somberness have been present for oyster slurping? “You could say that,” Porter said. Wasn’t that supposed to be his argument? It was so hot. His argument was so hot? He saw his reflection in the silver holder the what? on the Fiji bottle. Nervous. Nervous meant guilty. He surreptitiously wiped his forehead. How? Did he duck under the table? Pretend to be adjusting his quiff? You'd be much better off without the adverb. “While I was at the hospital, my mom brought a mega millions scratcher with my numbers, like I always do on Fridays, but I couldn’t, y’see.” Will was sweating too, and he was getting redder as he spoke, though he didn’t seem angry. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from his increasing redness. Is he drunk? Having an allergic reaction to the crabs...? “Right.” Porter said. Porter gets all the best lines. Will reached into a leather bag on his lap. Porter tensed. He relaxed when Will pulled out a brick of cash. Why yes of course unexpected wads of cash are not at all unusual I personally find them very relaxing. “If she hadn’t bought the ticket from the bodega by the hospital insteada the gently caress Will learn to talk one by our building, I wouldn’t've won. I know you hadda arrgh refund the people who didn’t get to jump and all. Thanks.” Ok so he is a professional skydive instructor? If yes this is an extremely unusual response to a serious accident. Porter covered the brick with his napkin and pulled it into his lap. Oh I see, he's an extremely dodgy professional skydive instructor. “That’s--” he stopped himself before he could screw himself and say it wasn’t necessary. “Thanks. Guess you’ll have to find a new way to get your adrenaline kick, huh?” The waiter came to survey the carnage. “Sir, are you all right?” he asked Will, who was nearly as red as the lobster by now. WHY HAS HE TURNED RED? Will waved him away and pulled an EpiPen from his bag. He jabbed it into his thigh and took a deep breath. “I’ll figure something out. Lemme see the dessert menu.” Ooooooo-kay so he is allergic to crabs and this is his new way of getting a kick? That is a dumb ending. So when I think of adrenaline I think of the rush of something exciting, or the cold hit of clarity when something has gone horribly wrong, just before the shock sets in, or the exhaustion of the come-down off the back of a real adrenaline spike. This story is pretty much the opposite of that. It's like a story about adrenaline with all the bits about adrenaline cut out, so we're just left with the dull bits around the edges: There was a terrible bone shattering skydiving accident! How scary! Don't worry we're not going to talk about that. Oh poo poo he might sue me for my terrible mistake! No don't worry it's fine here's a wad of cash instead. Gasp! A wad of cash! How exciting. Nope actually that's not exciting at all in fact I find cash very relaxing. Oh poo poo he's allergic to crab! Nah don't worry he's got an injection for that, how about dessert? But what really kills it is there's nothing about these characters, how they know each other, the nature of their relationship, or why I should care. Also the dialogue was bad. This was bad. Sting Like a Bee by Curlingiron Well, I guess this is how I’m gonna die. Good opener. I’ve pulled over on the side of the highway to wait. The nearest farmhouse is probably another fifty miles of empty orchards away, but I still don’t want to risk hitting anyone. Bad follow up. I'm going to give away my overall comment here: The protag's reaction to their imminent death is so resigned, it's implausible and also kinda boring. I think about putting the convertible top up, but it seems a little late. Might as well enjoy the sunshine. Having just complained that your protag should be panicking instead of enjoying the sun, given that they are enjoying the sun, I am prepared to enjoy it with them. They're not reacting how I'd expect so at least I'm interested. I look down at the the bee sitting on the seat next to me. I imagine that I can feel her venom circulating through my veins. She’s lying there stunned, dying along with me. I reach out and stroke her folded wings. I like this image. I am getting more on board with the quiet response to death now. Does my throat feel tight already? It’s hard to tell. The glove box is still open. Like the convertible, it seems pointless to close it - my kit isn’t in there, which makes tidying up seem inconsequential. Good job in indirectly explaining what's going on. My phone is in my lap, ‘No Service’ at the top of the screen. I tried, at least. Ditto. God, it’s a nice day. I close my eyes and tilt my head back. The sunlight on my face and arms feels so good, I can almost ignore the itching. The image of someone trying to appreciate a moment of peace while waiting for something terrible is simple but relatable, so I'm enjoying reading at this point. The world spins a little, like a Tilt-a-Whirl at the carnival. I always loved those - sitting next to my mom, shifting our weight to go faster. I try to pretend I’m back there again, but it just makes me miss Mom. She always made sure I had my kit with me. You’d think an adult man would be able to do that himself, but apparently not. This is just a sprinkling of human details but for a story this short it's enough to turn the character from an outline of a person into someone who I now don't want to die. Yep, my throat feels tight. We used to keep bees, but after my first episode Mom gave them away. I cried and cried, because I knew she loved them - hell, I loved them, too - and they were going away because of me. The blood rushing in my ears sounds like the beehives did in the summer. I used to fall asleep listening to their buzzing. Once they were gone I stopped taking naps. Mom dealt with it, though, God bless her. She’s gonna be so mad at me. This section is nicely done, but, for a story this short I think your prose could have been tighter. “Are you okay?” I open my eyes, and for a moment Mom is standing next to the car, looking at me. I blink and she’s gone, leaving some bewildered stranger in her place. My tongue is thick in my mouth, but I manage to rasp a little. “Bee sting.” She’s off running, and my eyes close again. She won’t have cell service either, but it’s a nice gesture. The overall tone of this story is gentle, but still, you've managed to evoke a moment of tension that works well. I probably would have preferred it to have been ratcheted up a couple of notches but given the tone is consistent I'm happy with it. More footsteps, and then the woman’s leaning over me. A needle slams into my thigh, and the tightness in my chest eases as the epinephrine hits my system. I smiled as I read this because I'm happy our protag is going to be ok. I open my eyes and see the stranger staring back at me. She gives me a shaky smile. On the shoulder ahead, a California Pollinators truck sits with its door open. A cartoon bee smiles at me from the logo. “You’re a beekeeper,” I say dazedly. She nods. I take a breath and laugh. I had a slight moment of confusion here wondering if the protag is laughing because of the irony of being saved by a beekeeper, or because their mother was a beekeeper. drat, it’s a nice day. Awww nice. While I liked the gentle tone of this story it doesn't really feel adrenaline-y, because, well, it's too gentle. They're dying and they don't seem bothered in the slightest. But, it's nicely done for it's length so I liked it anyway. Your title is bad though - it sounds like a Muhammad Ali reference, and the story is about a literal bee sting. I'd offer you a suggestion but I'm hopeless at titles 
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Aug 1, 2018 10:42
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Congratulations on the win, curlingiron.
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Aug 1, 2018 13:04
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Cheers!  And thanks for the crits, Yoruichi!
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Aug 1, 2018 17:31
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After reading Yoruichi’s awesome crits, I feel a bit guilty offering to crit someone’s story. Must be the Catholic upbringing. But I lapsed from that poo poo so hard I came out Muslim, so gently caress guilt. Free crit to first person who asks!
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Aug 1, 2018 18:02
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Fumblemouse posted:For Buffy, wherever she is. Reboot in process. 'Yay'.
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Aug 1, 2018 18:08
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ThirdEmperor posted:Doing my crit for the sweet sweet extra words, first person to ask gets it. I was going to let someone else nab this but the disgusting lack of opportunism has left me no other choice but to abscond with this crit offer. here's my most recent story tia
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Aug 1, 2018 18:51
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I've got some time to kill while I confer with my co-judges. I'd be happy to crit another story (aside from this week's, which I've already done. I feel it would be disingenuous to claim credit for those) for whoever wants it.
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Aug 1, 2018 19:47
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In for vampyre 
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Aug 1, 2018 21:56
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Uranium Phoenix posted:I was going to let someone else nab this but the disgusting lack of opportunism has left me no other choice but to abscond with this crit offer. Mm. This story. It's cool but it's not good. I like the aesthetics of the demons, but not how they seem essentially human, to the point where two of them get taken out by an old lady described as 'just wrinkled skin over bone'. I'm not even sure why Waseme was still alive, considering the militia was dead and the town had been taken. They seem a little like chumps, these demons, getting dunked on by a single warrior and an old lady. Really hurts the stakes, as does your choice to skip over the destruction of Ch'sa, averting the audience's eyes from anything that might show them, rather than tell, that these demons are a real threat. Moving on to the actual story, which you tried to cram in between the actions scenes almost as an afterthought. Uhm. I get that her father ran away and the rest of her family died because of that, sure, and being sent away by Waseme makes Yejide think, oh, it really sucks when you run away and your family dies. Got that part. What I missed was the part where its confirmed Yejide's father couldn't have done anything to save his family, and didn't just run away because he was scared. Which does happen. Yejide couldn't save grandma because Waseme was stuck in bed. What was her dad's excuse? This could have been solved by assigning the actual plot more words and giving the 'dunking on demons' bits less. As a final note, because this really stuck out to me, if Yejide is in the military and her only other family is frail or disgraced, why didn't she have the family sword to begin with? Seems like the kind of thing grandma would give her when she joined the army. Just saying.
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Aug 1, 2018 23:46
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Fumblemouse posted:In. Vampire. For Buffy, wherever she is. Weakness: Contact with plastic causes your vampire to break out in hives; plastic piercing them can incapacitate them or destroy them utterly if the wound is bad enough. Dr. Kloctopussy posted:In for vampyre Weakness: Birdsong causes them unbearable pain, and birds are drawn to attack your vampire. Uranium Phoenix fucked around with this message at 00:07 on Aug 2, 2018 |
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Aug 1, 2018 23:55
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In. Vamp me, daddy.
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Aug 2, 2018 06:10
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Anomalous Blowout posted:In. Vamp me, daddy. 
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Aug 2, 2018 06:55
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Offering a crit of recent story to first person to request thing here.
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Aug 2, 2018 09:15
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Thranguy posted:Offering a crit of recent story to first person to request thing here. Same. Dunno if I will use those bonus words but more critting is good.
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Aug 2, 2018 09:25
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I'll take my story for last week since it looks like judging is never going to happen, and I'll offer a crit too. Take these crits noobs, it's why we are here
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Aug 2, 2018 10:39
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sebmojo posted:I'll take my story for last week since it looks like judging is never going to happen, and I'll offer a crit too. You're taking Invisible Clergy Thranguy Maugrim sebmojo Maugrim fucked around with this message at 10:51 on Aug 2, 2018 |
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Aug 2, 2018 10:45
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Seb, can I get a crit on my recent brawl story?
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Aug 2, 2018 11:42
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 04:47 |
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Anomalous Blowout posted:In. Vamp me, daddy. Strength: Your vampire can see the next few days of a victim's future. Weakness: If your vampire attempts to change what they see, they become dislocated in time and are flung to a random moment.
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Aug 2, 2018 22:37
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