Fleta Mcgurn posted:

It's called Hatoful Boyfriend, you baka gaijin!

WICKEDLY A BIRD posted:

what a snipe.

Keru posted:

is that one of the birds you can date?!

WICKEDLY A BIRD posted:

what a snipe.

WICKEDLY A BIRD posted:

what a snipe.

Skylark posted:

I was gonna wait til after Halloween so ppl don't think I'm just following a fad or something, but this is real and I feel like I just want to get this out there to everybody who cares about me who have been texting me, I dont feel up to texting them all back. Just looking at my unread messages stresses me out so much I feel sick to my stomach. So I'm posting this update out as a status to FB, IG and FYAD so everyone knows whats up, and this is out in the open.

So basically at Zoeys rager in Oakland last weekend there was a vampire there, I feel like its not my place to say her name here because it is what it is, but she got me while I was plugging in my phone charger in the kitchen while everyone else was watching contrapoints on the chromecast in the living room. If she wants to come forward about biting me that is her perogative, but I am in a space right now where idc really about "blaming" somebody for this, it's my life now, whatever, I honestly have nothing against her and am open to if she wants to get 4thmeal, or just smoke and watch a movie or sth, I am game. I would rather have a positive, working relationship with my "dark mother" or w/e you call it than dwell on pettiness and drama. Thats just who I am as a person.

Initially it was a lot to unpack but I am adjusting and honestly my life is p chill & not that different from before. Maybe even better because Im now in a few vampire-only discord servers, most vampires I've met so far are pretty cool except the 4channy types. My bf just brings me things of blood now in addition to Panda Express/In n Out and life goes on. Because of the sunlight thing, which is whatever, I just have to sit inside all day doing dabs and playing Octopath Traveler postgame quests with Flux cranked on all my screens + all my apps on night mode while Daddy is out, and at night he comes back with blood for me to nom on.💜 Could not do this without him. All the vampires I know who actually prowl around killing && feeding on live human victims have major social anxiety (not a big surprise considering the way society treats us) and need looots of xanax/klonopin to function out there murdering ppl every few nights or so. And benzos are not the tea 🙅

Been listening to alot of Fever Ray. Early Cocteau Twins - I used to prefer their later albums before I became a creature of the night, for whatever its worth. And Lana is still a staple, I guess some things never change lol. Life is good. We got this ✌🧛‍♀️💯


^{Edit: Oh and btw fuckboys sliding in my dms asking me to give them the dark gift get blocked🖐️ How about giving me some time to process this and not thinking only about yourself for once 🙃}

Skylark posted:

So far my favorite part of being a vampire is condescendingly saying to people, "Being a vampire isn't like what you see in the movies," and going on to explain the small, tedious differences between vampires as we are depicted in fiction and as we are in real life in the same smug tone people get when you tell them you finally started watching breaking bad.

folder posted:

[Me] I am not friend. I was creatvre of darkness. Blood of man, svstain me. As noble vampyr, provdest of races, w-
[Friend, shackled to a big torture wheel in my basement] lol in my country we have problem, ah like a Korky Buchek
[Friend 2, hanging upside down over a cauldron] Bing bong bing bong bing hahhaa
[Me] N-no...

twice burned ice posted:

So are you just not saving for retirement, or...?

Like what do you think people should do with their money to make sure they don't starve once they're no longer able to work?

Obviously the government should guarantee that won't happen, but This is America.

selec posted:

Imagine yourself asking s single parent who works at McDonalds this question. What should they say to you?

DandyLion posted:

"Uh sir, this is a McDonalds".

goethe.cx posted:

re: investing in the stock market

Dumb Lowtax posted:

What happened to the first post of this thread

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

Even more dependent on my boyfriend since I became a vampire

WICKEDLY A BIRD posted:

iirc Sham got annoyed by derails/lack of funny quotes, closed the thread and blanked the OP. I re-opened the thread but OP remained blanked and I think you might have been the first person to notice in the last ten months!

Sham bam bamina! posted:

blegh

Screaming Idiot posted:

Love the reasoning there. "Hurrf blurff no funny quotes I TAKE AWAY MY FUNNY QUOTES NOW NOBODY HAVE FUNNY QUOTES."

Son of Thunderbeast posted:

Check out this funny quote

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

Even more dependent on my boyfriend since I became a vampire

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

The Haunted Titty Bar

There once was a stripper, but a man did not tip her. He threw her in the dumpster instead. Legend has it rats chewed off her boobs and replaced her eyes with pelican eyes. Nobody really knows because the trash route is like 6AM on Monday or whatever. But legend has it her ghost still haunts the strip club, her only desire to give that perfect lap dance and get a tenzo.

“Bullshit” said the man at the strip club. “I ordered these nachos with jalapeńos, these are loving PIMENTOS!” Hey bartender give me another beer to wash this shitplate down with..

The man woke up in a pile of his own breath condensate on the now empty marble bar. Nobody in the whole joint. As he swiveled on the stool and got up to leave, the music and lights came up to full glow as if guided by a specter, and as his eyes focused from a drunken haze to the stage, the most beautiful woman was staring into his soul, and at his dick. His eyes finally met hers, and he felt the hypnotic hold of the pelican pull him closer and closer, and she began to unhook her bra, and as it fell to the floor he gasped. Those titties, those dead rear end titties, those dead necrotic dessicated milkbags, hues of purple and pus and veiny luster. He came for what felt like days, cumming into the spectral abyss of god, when over the PA he heard “sir this is an Arby’s drive through”.

And the vision ceased. calm, collected, little sweaty, he reached for his milkshake in the cup holder, took a sip, breathed out, looked inside, and it was the stripper with the necrotic rat-chewed tits, breastpumping her milk into the milkshake machine.

Improbable Lobster posted:

You know there's nothing stopping you from making another thread with a new OP

Sir Lemming posted:

The wording just reminded me of those Facebook things, that's all.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

You probably cannot guess which thread.

CannonFodder posted:

The Master stood before his students and said "This is back to basics chili. This is “I’m flat loving broke” chili. This is “I have one hour to feed myself before my shift surfing for CP at the local library starts” chili. This is camping chili. This is hunting chili. This is house full of screaming little shits chili. This is the comfort chili you make your best friend right after he walks in on you speed-bagging his sister. This is quick, easy, tasty, man chili. This isn’t the chili you have Gordon Ramsey weep into because you didn’t use all fresh ingredients. And this is not the chili you waste a perfectly good steak making."

"After eating this chili, would anything be able to remove the flavor from your mouth?"

The students sat deep in thought. One student lifted their eyes from a microscope and said "Fellatio?"

The Master smiled.

dreadmojo posted:

dreadmojo posted:

dreadmojo posted:

"Buddha preached for forty-nine years, but his tongue never moved," the master Gensha said: "Pious teachers say that Buddhism helps us in every possible way, but think: how can it help the blind, the deaf, or the dumb? The blind cannot see the teacher's staff that is raised before them. The deaf cannot hear the teacher's words, no matter how wise. The dumb cannot ask their questions or speak their understanding. So since we cannot help these people, how can we say Buddhism helps in every possible way? What good is it?"

Many years later a monk asked the master Ummon to explain these words of Gensha. After making the questioner prostrate himself and then rise, Ummon swiped at him with his staff. The monk jumped back.

"Ah-ha!" said Ummon, "I see you are not blind!" Then he told the monk to come forward, which he did.

"Ah-ha!" said Ummon, "I see you are not deaf!" Then he asked the monk if he understood what all this to-do was about. The monk said he did not.

"It means call the police on Granos," said Ummon.

Murray Mantoinette posted:

"Master," the young novice said, "your posting is so wise and powerful. How may I train myself so as to become as strong as you?"

The master open-palm slapped the novice on the head and spake "every day as soon as you rise, you must imagine, deep in your mind, an image of the living Buddha, as detailed and lifelike as you know him to be from your years of study. Follow along with this living apparition of the Enlightened One, mimicking his sublime movements, making whooshing noises as he frees himself from desire, even if you mess up the words of the sutras in your heart. Not many can say they have walked the eight-fold path. I can. I speak thus, even unto the other monks in this sangha and all they do is prove yet how far even our esteemed bhikkus have to walk upon this road. I've leaned all the sutras and I've learned true compassion by shouting them all. Two hours including meditation every mornING."

Son of Sam-I-Am posted:

The master asked, "is it better to build a house like grover, or to code forums like radium?"

A student replied, "The forums, because a house, once built, cannot be easily altered."

The master could not answer because someone had changed the copyright date.

Devils Affricate posted:

The man who does not post for fear of probation, has already banned himself

Coq au Nandos posted:

Amazing. Some more winners from this thread of SA koans:




The best is the second post in the thread though:

Cythereal posted:

Just when you think American politics can't get any weirder...

https://mobile.twitter.com/Z_Everson/status/1057435121622638599

Proteus Jones posted:

I.. I can no longer believe this is the real world anymore. I am increasingly convinced I am in a bio-pod being put through increasingly unlikely simulations run by extra-terrestrials. Particularly adolescent extra-terrestrials.

But they have gone too far and tipped their hand. I am now on to them. All my efforts will be bent toward finding a way out for all of us. I may be out of communication during my times in my garden-shed wrapped in copper mesh. Do not be concerned, I will send coded updates from time to time.

Please keep this information to yourself. We have no way of knowing who is real and who is a simulat placed to monitor to us.

Stay strong. I will find a way.

Ruflux posted:

I'm pretty sure even aliens would consider this reality too unbelievable

AFewBricksShy posted:

In the Matrix when Agent Smith is talking to Morpheus, he tells him the original Matrix was a paradise for people but our minds rejected it. I feel like this might be what the rejection started to look like, when reality just starts to go to complete poo poo.

The Lone Badger posted:

You know those MonsterFactory videos where they hit 'randomise' repeatedly as the face slowly twists into a nightmarish parody of reality?
That's the simulation we're living in.

AMISH FRIED PIES posted:

Turn on your monitor.

Coq au Nandos posted:

Amazing. Some more winners from this thread of SA koans:

a cyberpunk goose posted:

A student lay before the master, peaceful in his long sleep.

The master, torch in hand, shook him by the shoulder. But the student did not wake. The master again shook the sleeping student. And again the student did not wake. The master’s head shook slowly and he whispered, “if only you would but sip from my cup of soul expanding tea. So many truths it could show you.”

The master gave the sleeping student one last shake before moving on in disappointment. But the student did not wake, for the student was but a skeleton.

mods changed my name posted:

I remember once on Regis and Kathy Lee, Regis was like "And today on the show we have Jon Lithgow [I cant remember specifically who] from Third Rock From The Sun" and Kathy Lee was like "Haha I sure would like to be there right now and get away from this cold winter!" or something and Regis just kinda looked suicidal maybe for a moment