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Happy birthday cash crab! The only bad date I want to go on is with you <3
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Nov 21, 2018 13:02
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 11:23 |
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https://twitter.com/wyatt_privilege/status/1064889750400786441
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Nov 21, 2018 13:17
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Oh boy! I've got a lot of bad date stories! On my first real date at a bar (I had just turned 21 and been to bars before obviously, just never on an actual date to one) I didn't understand that people would go to a bar for anything else than to get absolutely annihilated as quickly as possible. I proceeded to have something like 10 drinks in an hour and tried to get the entire bar to sing "Dig Up Her Bones." It should be noted that the bar was not playing that song at the time, but I felt like we should all be singing it anyways. This was at like 5pm. She left at some point shortly after that (don't really remember) and it was pretty awkward for a few days at work together.
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Nov 21, 2018 14:59
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Solice Kirsk posted:Oh boy! I've got a lot of bad date stories! This is fantastic My awkward date wasn't really an interesting story I guess, we had coffee and I think I got a little too jittery on top of being a little nervous meeting a new person. I was talking a lot but thought they seemed interested in what I was saying, and I was still making sure to ask questions about them so they could talk too. And I thought things went well but I never heard a thing from them again after I texted that I had a good time and hoped we could do something again some time. I was disappointed that I misread things. On the other hand who knows, maybe they met their soul mate the next day and just forgot I existed because of that. I'll never know because they literally never contacted me again at all!
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Nov 21, 2018 15:40
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cash crab posted:Anyway, it's that special time of the year again: MY BIRTHDAY. This year, I want to hear your worst dating stories. Specifically the ones where YOU hosed up, not the other person. I also want uncomfortable slightly cursed images, or as always, genuinely nice messages in private. Thank you. Happy Birthday! And here's my awkward dating story. I was in my teens at the time and as the dinner and movie part of the date had gone well, we're onto making out. Things are getting hot and heavy, and as I'm stroking him a bit, I half notice he's got some sliding skin on his penis. I'm not really thinking much of it until it slides back and doesn't slide forward. Now, granted I did have a pretty good sex ed class in school and while I was aware of the concept of the foreskin, this was my first time actually seeing one, so naturally I first thought I'd broken his penis. I begin to freak out that 'Oh God I broke your dick!' and he's confused until he realizes what happened and starts laughing. After he showed me that it will slide back, I'm now beyond mortified and convinced I've ruined the date. But it ended up being a good laugh, foreplay was resumed and the rest of the evening went well. We ended up dating for a while, and it was the running joke about 'I broke your dick!'.
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Nov 21, 2018 15:48
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I paid good money to go on a speed dating session. It was pretty well attended and I got to meet 10 people. All 10, including the blind one, put me squarely in the friend (zone) category.
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Nov 21, 2018 16:12
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Worst first dates... I got three contenders I think. During high school grad night I ended up making out with some girl I could barely recall seeing during our four years together in a fairly large high school. In any case I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie the next night. She agreed and I said I worked at the theaters and their was an advance screening of a new movie coming out called “Kids” but I didn’t really know anything about it besides it was about teens in NYC. The night started off well. We grabbed some food and started making out when the movie started. By the end of the movie she was physically as far from me as she could be without moving from the chair. I was so embarrassed. The only other thing she said to me was “Just take me home”. We ended up going to bone town a week later so it wasn’t the worse. A few years later I ran into a girl I knew from middle school. She was super cute and was little person. She asked me out for drinks and I was hell yeah! I knew she liked me because she asked me to help her up for on the barstool. She proceeded to out drink me 4-1 and start a fight in the bathroom that I had to pay a bouncer $20 to break up. On the drive home she tried to give me a handjob while the car was in motion but between me actively driving and her stubby little fingers and me being pissed at her I just slapped her hand away and dropped her off. Took my future wife on our first date to dinner and movie. Forget to ask if she ever had sushi(she hadn’t and it bothered her but now she eats sashimi). When we got to the theater my old high school crush was the manager. We never hooked up but we stayed friendly for years after. Anyways this crazy girl called me into the office with my date saying she just had to show me something. As I walked in and started to introduce my date she whipped out her tits and proclaimed “I got nipple piercings! Who’s your friend?” The movie was a murder mystery called “Lone Star”. It was not a good first date movie. About as bad as “Kids”.
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Nov 21, 2018 16:33
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AUG: I got nipple piercings! Who’s your friend?
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Nov 21, 2018 16:42
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I was once so poor that the only thing I could think of doing for a first date was driving us to Indiana so I could put $5 of gas in my car, which would be enough for us to get to a park her house and myself home. Date itself was kind of OK, but we were 16, so making out a little at a park wasn't such a weird date.
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Nov 21, 2018 16:44
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Some 12-ish years ago I was driving a girlfriend home after a good date. She decided to give me road head, but apparently never really thought about what happens at the end. I informed her that I was about to finish. Cue her quickly lifting her head, letting out a surprised gasp, and me just going all over the steering wheel and pedals. =/ Went from awesome to AUG in like 0.5 seconds.
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Nov 21, 2018 17:17
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Happy birthday, raccoon mod! Me being awkward on a date story: I was on a first or second date. I was a quite religious Jewish woman, living in England, and I got set up with this guy whose family I knew, from Switzerland I think. So we corresponded a bit over email, and the next time he was visiting his family, we went out. So my date informed me of his belief that Arabs are symbolic representatives of evil in our world. So that's pretty awkward on its own, right, but then I didn't know what to do exactly. I was very shy and soft spoken. So I said excuse me, paid my portion of the bill at the front and I was just like "I need to go. Right now." I didn't realize he didn't know what was going on, so he thought I was sick or something... And then he asked if he could see me again later that week. Aaaa so awkward.
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Nov 21, 2018 17:40
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I had a short term relationship that wasn't going so well. To be honest, it was only the sex that kept it ticking over. I was pretty certain that it was time to end things, but not entirely sure, as I held out hope that things might suddenly click if we kept at it. I took her to a restaurant. She ordered a steak because I ordered a steak. "Ok", I thought. "I like to see a woman order a steak." I ordered mine to be medium rare - as I'd grown to like steaks more rare. I loved the flavour, and the melt-in-the-mouth deliciousness of a prime cut. She ordered 'well-done'. "Ok", I thought (again). "She might just like very expensive steak, that I'm paying for, to have the living poo poo cooked out of it. No big deal." Mine was delivered first, and I waited for her's before digging in. She looks at it, looks at me, and says 'yum!'. She then grabbed the bottle of tomato sauce (sweet 'ketchup' for most of you) and proceeded to drown this charred abomination in this sugary-sweetened goo. It was a sign from the gods. My doubts were removed, replaced with a renewed sense of clarity. It was a sign from the universe - it had to end. And it did. tldr: ended relationship over bad choices with eye fillet steak.
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Nov 21, 2018 17:44
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I went on a first date once with a dude who told me that I should get a breast reduction. At the end of the night he gave me the manuscript of his novel. It was about a serial killer who murdered sex workers. Not badly written, but creepy as hell. Happy Birthday, cash crab!
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Nov 21, 2018 17:46
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Pudding Space posted:I had a short term relationship that wasn't going so well. To be honest, it was only the sex that kept it ticking over. I was pretty certain that it was time to end things, but not entirely sure, as I held out hope that things might suddenly click if we kept at it.
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Nov 21, 2018 18:07
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Pudding Space posted:She then grabbed the bottle of tomato sauce (sweet 'ketchup' for most of you) and proceeded to drown this charred abomination in this sugary-sweetened goo. Joke's on you, she's now the President of the United States.  E;fb
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Nov 21, 2018 18:08
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Happy birthday!!! Um...I never really dated. I usually get lucky and end up dating friends. Oh wait, okay I have one but it wasn't really my fauly. When my fiance and I first got together it was near Halloween. We were told by my boss that we had to go to my company Halloween party (I managed a smoke shop) which was hosted by one of my coworkers. A few good customers were invited. So hey, Halloween date, sounds fun right? My fiance and I brought another couple he's good friends with, and our roommates because the hostess asked us to bring as many people as possible. When we got there everyone was already drunk, there was a 400lb guy taking keys and also hitting on all the women. My boss and coworkers were already wasted as poo poo and it was like 8pm. The friends we brought were uncomfortable so we stepped into the back yard and were chased down by the drunk hostess/coworker because she wanted to teach us to bellydance. When we got back into the house people were half naked and rolling around the floor. The hostesses husband was loudly proclaiming he had German heritage and that's why he "felt the way he did about certain races." We got the gently caress out of there. From that point on the hostess and my boss were endlessly pissed at us leaving. My boss ended up attacking one of my roommates a couple months later. Everett is a terrible place.
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Nov 21, 2018 18:54
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When I was 13, for reasons that aren't really that interesting, I ended up going to a Halloween dance at a school I didn't actually attend. I was dressed as a vampire. Part way through the evening a boy, maybe a year older than me, also dressed as a vampire, asked me to dance. I accepted, with stars in my eyes about this incredibly romantic moment! The first romantic moment of my young life! There was a slow dance, he asked if he could kiss me, and I said yes. My first kiss! Someone else danced over with her dancing partner and says, Hey is that [name]? My dashing fourteen-year-old vampire says yes. I say, wait no that's not my name. He thought I was someone else. Later he asked to kiss me again. I said no. I never saw him again.
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Nov 21, 2018 18:57
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In high school i was on a date with a girl i didn't really think was very into me, but 20 minutes in, she just grabs my collar, pulls me close and starts loving mauling me. My brain is like "HOLY HELL this pretty girl is kissing ME!" and for reasons i'll never know, i just bust the gently caress up laughing. She pulls back with this mortified look on her face, and i get myself under control enough to explain its not her, its just like when you're supposed to be silent in class and you just get the giggles for no reason, or like laughing at a funeral. Shes assured, kind of laughs it off, and i finally stop giggling like a moron. 5 minutes later, we're back to making out and sure enough, i can't stop laughing again. God love her, she gave it her best, but after laughing fit number 5, she just gets up and says "Fine, whatever." and walks out to her car and goes home. The next day i spent the entirety of 5th period English awkwardly trying to apologize. We of course didn't date after that, which i was pissed at my broken brain about, but we were friendly enough for the rest of HS. Anyways, that's my story thanks for reading and Happy Birthday Raccoon Mom.
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Nov 21, 2018 19:26
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First time I was asked for head I didn't know what it was so I kissed his forehead.... Anyway here's a dude making out with a dead animal https://www.instagram.com/p/BqcpSaUBz9b/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
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Nov 21, 2018 19:30
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Picnic Princess posted:First time I was asked for head I didn't know what it was so I kissed his forehead....  
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Nov 21, 2018 20:01
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Worst thing I ever did on a date was get so drunk that I ended up being so hungover that I couldn’t leave their house for two days.
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Nov 21, 2018 20:07
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Picnic Princess posted:First time I was asked for head I didn't know what it was so I kissed his forehead....  yee hee hee
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Nov 21, 2018 21:23
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I've never kissed anyone, dated anyone, nor do I have more than one friend. And I'm pretty much at peace with it. 
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Nov 21, 2018 21:34
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Me and this girl went to a hookah bar to see what it was all about. We left 5 minutes after getting a table because this 18 year old was trying to impress girls by breakdancing. And by breakdancing I mean spinning on his head over and over again. The kid was starting to get seriously dizzy, but he kept spinning. Think of a spinning top that's starting to wobble and that's this kid. Soon enough he wobbles his way over to our table. I shout at him to look where he's going: he doesn't listen. I shout at the employee to kick this kid out: he doesn't listen either. By his last spin he's close enough that we're feeling the wind off his foot. So we both leave without paying. She's in a full blown panic attack yelling at me to man up and I'm yelling that I don't wanna get kicked in the face by a breakdancer. She didn't call after that.
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Nov 21, 2018 21:35
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This made my rear end in a top hat spontaneously bleed.  
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Nov 21, 2018 21:36
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Fresh cold feesh is pretty important but I don’t see a bubbler for oxygen
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Nov 21, 2018 21:59
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Happy birthday, cash crab!  I had a huge crush on this foreign grad-student TA in college, and well after I was out of his class, he eventually revealed (in an E-mail) that I had caught his eye, too. He suggested seeing a movie for our first date; I said we should have dinner, too, so we could talk. The college anime club's screening festival thing was that weekend, so I suggested that as the "movie". We watched a few shows in the afternoon (complete with me bitching about the lovely fan translations) before dinner. He picked an extremely nonfancy Coney Island, where I think I got a salad so I wouldn't have onion + mustard breath. Then we went home to our respective dorms. I paced and paced and paced and eventually called him up to say I wasn't done with our date, and would he like to go see "Kiki's Delivery Service" with me at the anime thing later that night? He did, so we drove back down, enjoyed the film, and had coffee around the corner before heading back to the dorms. I mean, it wasn't awful, but God, looking back on it now, I'm in a full-body cringe. We've been married for going on 18 years (and I'm a professional Japanese translator).
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Nov 21, 2018 23:05
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Aug date chat, I'm 32 and have never gone to "bone town," which doesn't really bother me but that gives you an idea of my experience level. Ask me about being incel  I think I posted the story about my first kiss like 8 years ago but oh well. I was 21 and had never been out on a date let alone kiss someone. My brother found his now-wife on craigslist so I was eh, gently caress it. Posted something like "never kissed someone" and surprisingly got responses. A quite cute girl ended up coming over and I ended up mashing her face 1940s style kissing. She laughed at me and said it was "cute" but then my cat Buddy "pissed" on the "rug" which was an awkward break. But she was cool! She asked if we could cuddle in my bed and things are getting pretty wild. I'm thinking awesome, I could just become a sex god in one night. We're both half naked and that rear end hole cat comes in and lies down on her legs. I'm whisper yelling "Buddy! Get off!" and my date says "no don't! I can feel him purring!" And then we ended up lying there talking with the cat on her until she left. The creepy cat part is I had my door shut so he must've slipped in and just watched us for like 20 minutes. Also I can't remember the conversation but when I meant "self deprecating" I said self defecating E: Happy birthday my friend! Yeet has a new favorite as of 23:46 on Nov 21, 2018 |
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Nov 21, 2018 23:40
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How the hell am I surprised at both the number of goons that have and have not had sex?
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Nov 21, 2018 23:51
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Yeet posted:Aug date chat, I'm 32 and have never gone to "bone town," which doesn't really bother me but that gives you an idea of my experience level. Ask me about being incel You ever heard of the cat that lives in the nursing home that knows when the residents are about to die? Yours is worse.
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Nov 21, 2018 23:52
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Went out on a date with a dude (I am also a dude) I met on OKC, the messaging conversations were a bit awkward but he confessed he hadn't dated much and was nervous. He was cute enough and we had the same interests so I agreed to meet up with him at a cafe in a local mall. I take the train out to see him and when I walk in I see him sitting there. Except he's not alone. Because he had brought his sister. Who was permanently disabled and in a wheelchair. I tried to be a good sport during introductions but he never offered an explanation. As we sat down I said "Hey so you never gave me a heads up that you were bringing somebody to our first date..." He just shrugged and said he was nervous so he brought her along like it was the most natural thing in the world. I asked if he was her caretaker and he said no she has someone who handles that. I asked if they wanted to go to a nearby restaurant like we had talked about, he said no it wasn't wheelchair friendly. I asked if they wanted to go to a nearby bar, he said no, he doesn't drink and she can't because of whatever her medical condition was (complete with a long TMI speech by her concerning said condition). I asked what exactly he was wanting to do here and he just shrugged and said "I don't know what do you want to do?" I said this was weirding me out, got up, and left. He messaged me the next day asking if I wanted to come over to his place. I blocked him. Prokhor Zakharov has a new favorite as of 00:47 on Nov 22, 2018 |
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Nov 21, 2018 23:56
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Best part is he thought it was cute, and we're celebrating 20 years together in a month and a half.
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Nov 21, 2018 23:57
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Picnic Princess posted:Best part is he thought it was cute, and we're celebrating 20 years together in a month and a half. This is some pro tier power moves. Pretend not to know what head is so you don't have to give him some and then marry him so you don't have to give him some.
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Nov 22, 2018 00:00
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my worst date was with a girl i had been with for about 4 years. we were out to eat and she basically said "We need to talk, but we don't have to right now, I don't want to ruin your birthday." Now that was a pretty solid thing to say to ruin a birthday.
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Nov 22, 2018 00:32
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I like to think these two pictures are related.
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Nov 22, 2018 00:42
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Happy birthday Cash Crab! Hmm, outing myself in AUG... well, I've been married and divorced twice so while my dates weren't especially awkward or noteworthy, something sure went wrong!
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Nov 22, 2018 01:37
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On our first date I told my now ex-wife that her mom was pretty and I could see where she got it from. She was adopted. Met a girl in a town an hour and a half away two weeks ago for the first date I've been on in over 14 years. Three hours into the date I tried to kiss her. It was too soon, but I apologised and we laughed it off. If anything our online conversations have gotten even hotter and more frequent. Looking forward to our second date!
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Nov 22, 2018 01:44
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When I was in high school I brought flowers into school one day to ask out one of my sister's best friends. I don't remeber if she said yes or no to a date, because I am pretty sure I didn't even ask her. I just shoved the flowers into her hand, said something like "these are for you" and ran away. Now I am twice divorced and back in the dating pool so I am AUG to this day!
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Nov 22, 2018 01:50
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Met a girl through MySpace somehow and ended up driving like 30 minutes to pick her up at her house. She answers the door and explains that she’s going to have to bring along her 3 month old baby (I wasn’t aware a baby existed). She we load up the baby, btw the baby cries the entire date, and she wants to go to,the bowling alley. It’s a small town and I don’t live there so we do what she wants. While at the bowling alley, she keeps looking around and when I ask what she’s looking for, she explains that the baby’s father just got out of jail and he is really pissed at her and she’s afraid he could find her and start some poo poo. Also, he gets in lots of fights so I should be prepared to fight him if he finds us and also he always travels with 4 or 5 friends so be prepared to fight them all at the same time. The baby has not stopped crying. Ever. Finally I take her home and she compliments me on my “kind eyes” and had a really great time. I bowled a 142.
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Nov 22, 2018 02:23
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 11:23 |
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I was a very awkward youngster. Too many embarrassing tales so i will summarize. I offered a dude a card with one month free netflix subscription on a date. On a group date in college i didn't yet understand "classy" drinking so i ordered an irish car bomb. On a blind date i went back to the guys house to watch netflix and it wasnt going well, so i tossed the cat treats i had brought in my pocket for his cat onto the carpet and left I arrived at a dinner date in a blouse and skirt, and the dude was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. I made a joke about being overdressed, and he said "but this is a collared shirt!" Dude, no. It's not. He later lectured me about not making enough eye contact at dinner, as well as doubting my "i feel sick from the spicy thai food you can't come up to my apt" story. He left angry voicemails about these things because he clearly did not take the hint.
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Nov 22, 2018 02:32
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