Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Also, my mom claims to have fed way too many apples to some cows, gotten them drunk, and then ran away screaming because she thought they were going to gently caress her up. I guess the seventies were fairly boring.

SERPUS posted:

Dated a girl who liked being pissed on. At first, I would only do it in the shower after I was really well hydrated. Clear urine, more sterile. This was a regular thing, part of foreplay. Soon enough we graduated to vinyl bedsheets and "sex towels". This girl seriously could not get wet without... getting wet. One day she confessed that the best piss was dehydrated morning piss. The hot yellow vitamin-chocked stuff that stains the rim of your toilet bowl. I obliged. I drank three cans of Dr. Pepper before going to bed and really struggled to hold it all night. Cue eight in the morning, my alarm goes off and I feel her nudging me. I had a rock-solid morning wood, but I was able to pee anyways. I laid on my back and started pissing. Her head was on my chest, facing my dick with her mouth wide open. I remember feeling the hot piss dripping down my ribs and puddling in the small of my back, completely contained by the vinyl bedsheets. As soon as I was done peeing, she climbed up and rode me until she orgasmed twice. Afterwards, I got up and took a shower and got ready for work. She did the laundry. We stayed together another 4 months. Now someone else pisses on her.

Zamboni Rodeo posted:

Lobok posted:

Your mom was a drug dealer who was worried about the frat guys she sold too many uppers to. She just made it PG to tell you the story.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

You don't know my mom. First of all, she would never sell to frat guys. Second, she was a coke dealer, not pills; smuggled it in her panties across the Mexican border back to upstate NY. She has no filter and no shame. Trust me...and pity me.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

You don't know my mom. First of all, she would never sell to frat guys. Second, she was a coke dealer, not pills; smuggled it in her panties across the Mexican border back to upstate NY. She has no filter and no shame. Trust me...and pity me.

Dareon posted:

High five, 70-year-old-awesome-mom buddy. Mine rode with the Hell's Angels and dropped acid with Ken Kesey.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I'd sure as hell run away from drunk cows, that's like half a ton of unpredictable herd mentality animal that may have horns.

Apparently they're pretty chill otherwise though.

Karate Bastard posted:

Dareon posted:

High five, 70-year-old-awesome-mom buddy. Mine rode with the Hell's Angels and dropped acid with Ken Kesey.

syscall girl posted:

Oh snap, I'm two degrees from Kesey myself.

Mom's pal toured with him on that stupid bus.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I read some dumb book for horse girls when I was a kid. There was a chapter in which a horse ate so many apples that it almost died. It was gross and intense.

Also, my mom claims to have fed way too many apples to some cows, gotten them drunk, and then ran away screaming because she thought they were going to gently caress her up. I guess the seventies were fairly boring.

Lacey posted:

Cows are like giant friendly dogs

Riatsala posted:

Luckily I've never met a chicken that I liked.

Riatsala posted:

I saw one too many cute cow videos here on PYF and gave up red meat. Like ethically I couldn't care less about the idea of being a vegetarian but once I'm endeared to an animal I can't eat it anymore. They're just so dumb and chill and they've been observed to have best friends, which is adorable.

Luckily I've never met a chicken that I liked.

Bertrand Hustle posted:

People were never good

Riatsala posted:

I saw one too many cute cow videos here on PYF and gave up red meat. Like ethically I couldn't care less about the idea of being a vegetarian but once I'm endeared to an animal I can't eat it anymore. They're just so dumb and chill and they've been observed to have best friends, which is adorable.

Luckily I've never met a chicken that I liked.

Phy posted:

Wait, is cannibalism the ethical consumption under capitalism?

(but only those in your socioeconomic stratum or higher, natch)

Karate Bastard posted:

Or I'll start a fucken bear farm.

Dareon posted:

High five, 70-year-old-awesome-mom buddy. Mine rode with the Hell's Angels and dropped acid with Ken Kesey.

prefect posted:

https://twitter.com/karengeier/status/1083028677225521153

duckfarts posted:

whoa I didnt know they made a weird al version

ruby saltbush posted:

frolicking cows are the best, especially when they're fully grown massive truck-sized hunks of beefy muscle and they're still bouncing around like kittens with their tails all curled up

also they hump each other incessantly

loquacius posted:

The Garden of Eden zone is just overloaded with exposition cutscenes and drawn-out tutorials, but we don't have time for that, so we're gonna just snatch one of these Knowledge fruits here. They're hard-coded so that our human characters can't touch them until we pass every single tutorial, but there's a loophole if we find one... specific... animal NPC... yep, there's our friend the snake. (CROWD: SNAAAAAAAAKE)

Kikas posted:

*muffled SpikeVetega in the distance* SNAKE HOIPE

Majuju posted:

"ooh, ouch, lot's wife with a sub-optimal strat has soft-locked the game now"

Kikas posted:

"in a regular playthrough you're stuck in this very slow animation for this whole long walk here, lugging this thing around, right? However, we can still spin and the physics get a bit wonky when we spin. There's also this dude he's on a cycle, but if he crosses my path just now... there we go, we offload the cross to Simon of Cyrene"
couch "YEAH GET HYPE FOR SIMONSKIP"

Kikas posted:

"right, remember Lazarus? We've met him before and haven't seen him for a while, so here's the ending to his quest. However, since we did the glitch at Kana Wedding, this is gonna be something different. Now see everyone is coming to us with like 'oh Lazarus is dead why did you miss this' and this is supposed to be a funeral scene, but with the glitch we can... just... do this... okay see his tomb is openable with this small clip and see - there's Lazarus, all alive and well. However this messed up the AI and as you can see everyone in the town is now t-posing"
*crowd goes wild*

Majuju posted:

"okay we're coming up on it, let's close the donation incentive, gonna need that word now."

"ooookay, the winner of the donation incentive, 'what curse to yell at the fig tree', with $3120 dollars, is 'MYDUDE'"

<polite clapping>

Popoi posted:

"Thanks to a last minute donation, the winner of the Passover release incentive is: Barabas"

Kikas posted:

I DONATED FOR LUNK

Ursine Catastrophe posted:

So I know most of you wouldn't do this on a casual playthrough, but since this is a speedrun we're absolutely just going to choose to shove our daughters out the door instead of the visitors

dotfivenine posted:

"Alright so typically we'd have to concieve a child the old fashioned way, but to keep this sfw and to save frames, we're gonna clip into Mary and just trigger the pregnant flag"

Evil Badman posted:

"Eve's naked here because clothing affects your run cycles."

Evil Badman posted:

"poo poo, well, I missed the jump...so here's a three day unskippable cutscence. We have time for donations."

Evil Badman posted:

"So you may be asking why we're just punching this NPC endlessly, and in most speedruns, this is a positioning trick. In this run, we're try to get them to turn against God."

Ursine Catastrophe posted:

Normally we'd have to play through a full courtship and wedding questline, but we actually found out last week that if you get Lot drunk here, you can actually just skip like all of that and shave off months of game time

Majuju posted:

"now, all these locusts, you can see, they're really lagging things out. luckily we'll be through this section soon. coming up, you can see why we picked 'secondborn' at character creation"

Majuju posted:

"right, so that's the item duplication glitch, now we have enough loaves and fishes to feed everyone, and we can move on to the next checkpoint"

Octatonic posted:

"okay, so we've successfully bound isaac, but pay attention to the way we approach the altar. As you can see, the questlog has updated - we've successfully proved our devotion. The game's a bit confused, and you can see that even though we've gone all the way up to through sacrifice, our son is still alive"

Kikas posted:

"Now that we have exactly two of every animal in the game, we approach the ark a very specific way to cause a small glitch... wait this is frame perfect, gonna take a couple of tries... one more... okay that's it, now we've caused an underflow error and the whole world is underwater"

Majuju posted:

"so if you're playing casually you have to do, like, twenty separate begats here, takes a while. we've decided to save time, and since this is a TAS, we can manipulate the game code in a very particular way using graven idol placement to just get them all over at once. those of you with small children or weak stomachs may want to look away."

SeXReX posted:

And on the 7th split god looked down at his time and was pleased for it was good

loquacius posted:

Ahhhh, dammit, looks like Delilah got us with her scissors. We don't have to eat a death here, but the debuff this applies is one of the only things that can take down the Samson character, and he's no longer overpowered. Luckily there's a backup strat once we hit Jericho.

parabolic posted:

Now, in a casual playthrough you might miss the rear end jawbone item, as its stats look like garbage at first glance, but it has a massive damage buff against Philistines that will be super useful during the Samson levels.

Kikas posted:

"So one of the things i can do to make this unskippable segment fun is to look around in my party inventories and look - we haven't found an explanation for this yet so if one of the devs wants to shed some light on this it would be awesome - where did Judas get 30 silver coins?"

Queen Combat posted:

Now, because we skipped resource gathering earlier, this section where we have to feed this crowd is usually an insta-fail. However, if we take these two loaves of bread and try to put them in the same table slot, it causes a buffer overflow and we end up with infinite loaves.

dotfivenine posted:

This also causes the next slot over to corrupt the memory, and fill our inventory with the next item in the table, which happens to be Fish! So we're able to complete this quest almost instantly.

Nep-Nep posted:

"Alright we're coming up on the late part of the run, this bit's an autoscroller so there's nothing I can do to make it faster but check out this crazy glitch, by doing these inputs at just the right moment a large section of the NPC population has spontaneously floated off into the sky. They won't be back."

JethroMcB posted:

"Now, you're supposed to use 4 nails here, but as you'll remember, because we zipped from the Garden to Golgotha and skipped the first 10 stations, we've only picked up 3. Luckily, the animation means the legs will clip through each other onnnnnnnnnn...that frame."

Vapor Moon posted:

"Okay so if we unequip the rock on the same frame we shoot the game glitches out and thinks we threw infinite stones at once and we just one shot goliath"

Ursine Catastrophe posted:

So right here normally we'd have to get on the boat first, then worry about prayer upkeep once the boat sidequest is done, but we actually found a glitch that lets us start the boat sidequest, pray, and then just walk right out to the boat cutscene already in progress, and it has the hilarious side effect of confusing the NPC AI so that they start trying to get into a dialogue with us and-- yep, there he goes, looks like Peter's having some trouble swimming there <crowd laughs and applauds>

Ravus posted:

"Only 6 days to make the earth? BETTER HOB SLIDE"

loquacius posted:

We need to get Solomon to level 7, so I'm just gonna grind out a few dispute sidequests. Looks like first up is... baby! Excellent RNG, the baby sidequest can be glitched out to earn double rewards because they forgot to turn off the baby's Destructible flag.

JethroMcB posted:

"So now that we've clipped through the stone, we're OOB for the rest of the run. Because of the way the map is laid out, you can just push through this wall...and we're suddenly back in Jerusalem, in the Upper Room with our party. They're not going to notice me being here because everything's still on a timer before the next cutscene triggers, but we can go ahead and clip ourselves through Thomas. That allows us to bypass his sidequest later on."

Bruceski posted:

Normally there's a big fight here against Pharoh's army, it'd be pretty slow but fortunately this time the escort quest works in our favor. We can trick the code into thinking we've skipped that and so everyone starts moving forward. It looks like they're gonna drown but keep an eye at Nahshon in the lead there. He's not flagged right for water interaction so when he gets fully under... BAM the water just gets out of his way and everyone can cross. We call that the Yam Suph Clip.

publishko posted:

We have to die here intentionally. It normally takes a long time but we want to go fast so we're gonna agro this guard. Yep there he goes, attacking us with his lance.

CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK posted:

A story in 2 parts:

https://i.imgur.com/8Oc3HHq.mp4

https://i.imgur.com/lnMnivA.mp4

WAR CRIME SYNDICAT posted:

Great White ringing in the new year I see

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

The real tragedy at The Station is not that 100 people died, it's that over 100 people went to see Great White in the first place.

U.T. Raptor posted:

value-brand cereal posted:

Does anyone have that quote where the person is sarcastically responding to someone else, talking about language doesn't matter and quickly disolved into gibberish, ending with lines of 'aaaaa'? Please post if you do.

NewsMonster posted:

Pluto.

I mean, it was a planet when I was in school, now it's a 'dwarf planet.'

It's very large, enough so that it's gravity has given it a spherical shape... it has a moon... or 3... it's cleared it's orbit of other objects... why the hell do we have to be uber technical and say it's not a planet?!

"reflir posted:

I know exactly what you mean, why have distinctions between planets and dwarf planets? Why not just refer to everything in space as either chunks of rock or globes of gas? In fact, why would we even distinguish between those? Why have distinctioa aaa aaaaa? Whaaaa aa aaaaaa aaaaa aaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

System Metternich posted:

lmao, every single one of these is amazing

Mustached Demon posted:

And now we have morons trying to return to these times by not vaccinating their crotch fruit.

zokie posted:

Don't call children that

Wasabi the J posted:

It's wrong to call them that because the polio is actually making them into crotch vegetables.

Dareon posted:

High five, 70-year-old-awesome-mom buddy. Mine rode with the Hell's Angels and dropped acid with Ken Kesey.

syscall girl posted:

Oh snap, I'm two degrees from Kesey myself.

Mom's pal toured with him on that stupid bus.