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Feb 5, 2019 03:10
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QuoProQuid posted:sure. im in.   onsetOutsider posted:in and i failed my last 2 entries so   Antivehicular fucked around with this message at 03:19 on Feb 5, 2019 |
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Feb 5, 2019 03:11
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Kickass prompt. In.
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Feb 5, 2019 03:25
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Lead out in cuffs posted:Moon stuff! OK, one last post and I'll stop spamming. From the guy I'm working with: quote:We still have a bit of time, so I'd like to make sure everyone is happy with their text. If you submitted text, please take a look and ensure that it maximises your happiness. If you are desperately unhappy, PM me, or email me at leadout5@gmail.com. We still have some time to fix any errors.
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Feb 5, 2019 03:32
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IN
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Feb 5, 2019 03:58
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This is great. Typo bottom left, though, begginning (unless that's part of the code)
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Feb 5, 2019 04:05
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Seraphiel's story included a murder underneath an indoor tree with a star on top. The jolliness was implied. And thanks for the crits. I was really worried that it was unclear that Sk'Kul was supposed to be a skeleton, I'm glad you understood that.
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Feb 5, 2019 04:05
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Saucy_Rodent posted:
yeah crits are good  in
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Feb 5, 2019 04:13
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In
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Feb 5, 2019 04:14
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Thunderdome 2019teen: I was really worried that it was unclear that Sk'Kul was supposed to be a skeleton
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Feb 5, 2019 04:17
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Thanks for the crit!
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Feb 5, 2019 04:27
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Thanks for the Crit! Also, In for the week.
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Feb 5, 2019 04:34
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Hey here are some late crits from Week 338 - Places of Power In order of whatever crits had the most complete sentences when I opened my google doc tonight: Bear Witness Your story: “Look at these children who are probably dead, now back to me. Now look at the sky: it's full of dreams. Now look at your man again, and now look back at me. You are now a bear. I’m the megalith.” I see what you did, but I don’t think it had the impact you were hoping for. Structurally, this was fine. You introduce some tantalizing stories in the form of vignettes, but you brushed them away without giving me a strong sense of anything. I wanted you to do more with these introductions, and I guess it’s saying something that I cared enough to want that. The interjecting commands, however, did nothing for me. Also, if you’re going to make your title a bear pun, go all in on the bear. Fortune Cookies are Bullshit Anyway Wow a typo in your second sentence. Not a strong start, champ. I don’t know, buddy. You’re trying to paint this picture of a comfy, hole in the wall, home town Chinese restaurant and I’m just not buying it. Also, is the mom in this just plain insane? A restaurant staffed by ghosts? Is she supposed to be funny? Is the narrator a five year old that would actually be scared by that? I don’t think it had quite the punch you think it did. Also, here’s a fun thing to consider when using compound subjects: In a sentence like “Mom and me went to the store,” take “mom” out of the sentence. Is “me went to the store” a good sentence? No it is not. Last Night This is just a Simon and Garfunkel song fic. What was the place of power? What was anything? You had one cringeworthy sentence in here, but otherwise it was fine I guess. You throw in bits of exposition like afterthoughts. Froggy Went A-Portin’ You had an exciting start, but it didn’t hold up through to your ending. Basic as gently caress sentence structure. Like third grade reading level. That makes me mad because as soon as I got a whiff of what you were selling, I was on board. There was just no flair to how you did it. Just the color blue. Blue. Over and over again, blue. I should have noted how many times you used “blue” in a single paragraph. You could have broken your sentences up so much better and they wouldn't have been so clunky. Also, it’s okay to use a thesaurus once in a while, so long as you use a word you already knew but forgot you knew it. Carhenge There’s an amazing line in here, but it unfortunately ripped me out of your story immediately. Your next colorful line is not so great, and it takes me out of your story more. Also, how silent can it be when a dying car is creaking along, coughing and sputtering? Don’t say something is silent when it clearly isn’t in your next sentence. Ugh, honestly, your prose hiccups aside, this wasn’t a bad story. It wasn’t great, but you may stay. Burden of Faith If this story was a taste profile, it would be bland. For all the color you mention, it all seems awfully grey. You’re setting a scene, but building no tension and giving me no real sense of why I should care about Jesse. You allude to a great loss in her life, but she doesn’t seem all that moved by it. And just when I think I’m about to care, it ends. And this glowing moment just falls flat. Was the mountain having any effect on her? It just seemed so contrived. Like she would have called her dad anyway - she could have been in the parking lot of a Wendy’s and it would have made no difference. It’s a shame because I think this could have actually been a hearty helping of delicious sentiment, but it just ended up a little hollow. What madness etc etc etc (your title was long or something) Yep I liked it. Was hoping for something a little more punchy in the end, but the journey was enjoyable. Loved the rubber band scene. I had a good chucklesnort. Somewhere Else This was my HM contender, but I backed down before blood was drawn. Rightly so as my co-judges pointed out that absolutely nothing happened here, and they were right. I thought you painted a very good picture of Antarctic life and why someone would go there, and I liked the voice you used, but for gently caress's sake, they were right - it's more like a stream of consciousness. So I like it, but with contempt for you in my heart. Undeath of the Author This was nonsense. Decently-written nonsense. It was a mildly fun, Labyrinth-esque romp through some pulpy magical setting that escalated to some even more pulpy-fantasy bullshit. I can’t fault you much for your word choice and grammar, but I also have no idea what I just read or why. A Good Friend, a Guardian Angel If you want to write archaic speech, make sure it's digestible - what you wrote was unnaturally stilted and awful. Don’t load it up with dumb exposition. I wanted the skeletons to win the whole time. You can’t drop a reader into the middle of some action within a dense and alienating fantasy setting. This would have worked better as The Road to El Dorado fanfiction. That is why you failed. Isla de las Munecas I read all of those words and all I got was a dead bird. Ok, so your structure was good. You started to set up something really cool and quite unsettling, and I had a strong sense of place, but it just didn’t seem like much happened. I liked this, but your execution and diction were lacking. Come and Thou Shall have whatever (I can't remember the full title) I was having a mediocre time with this until the very last line. Then I laughed. You may also stay. But learn from this and write something better next time. Beezus fucked around with this message at 07:15 on Feb 5, 2019 |
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Feb 5, 2019 04:50
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In. Hit me, dollface.
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Feb 5, 2019 11:12
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A new challenger appears! I'm in.
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Feb 5, 2019 11:36
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Saucy_Rodent posted:Seraphiel's story included a murder underneath an indoor tree with a star on top. The jolliness was implied.  (I reckoned that was one of the few ways a wolf would be able to imply it was Christmas. Oh well.)In for the next promt.
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Feb 5, 2019 12:25
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Very cool prompt. In.
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Feb 5, 2019 12:25
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Thanks a bunch for the crits, anatomi and Beezus! I'm in for this week. Give me a nice picture to mull about on a plane ride!
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Feb 5, 2019 12:27
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I'm in. No dead children pls.
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Feb 5, 2019 13:13
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In.
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Feb 5, 2019 13:17
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In.
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Feb 5, 2019 13:30
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In
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Feb 5, 2019 14:32
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The drunken masters of this place thought they could silence me. But I am returned, carrying obsidian slabs of infernal crits. Crits for week 337: Lytton Phrase Prompt Dolash - The Benefits of Wearing Many Hats Delightful story. Breezy. Reminded me of the chase in Aladdin. And much like when watching a Disney movie, I was never concerned for the protagonist’s well-being or whether they’d succeed. Rad-daddio - Bot Builder Well. This was a story told very bluntly and in way too many words. I don’t mind that you didn’t do anything unexpected with the Lytton phrase. A simple approach can be nice. But there's a lot of stuff in here that should have been excised. For instance, you’re making GBS threads out a lot of descriptions of various actions, and it fucks up the flow. And you know, culling stupid poo poo frees up a lot of real estate. Meaning there’s room to add important stuff like characterization. Sarah is marginally less developed than Joel, but that’s damning with faint praise. Side-note - life in bondage in the factory seems like a horrible enough thing on its own. Why not build on that, instead of tacking on some unnecessary brain infection? It’s like you had to accommodate two Lytton phrases. Simply Simon - Give Me Love, My Heart Suffers a bit from too much telling and too little showing. Occasionally the verboseness of the language tangles otherwise neat phrasing. That said, I don’t mind too much. The writing emphasizes the feeling of old sci-fi pulp, which I’ve a soft spot for. The twist, ridiculous but fittingly so, saved the story for me. crabrock - This is Dumb Not so dumb. Actually kinda sweet. But I feel that the characters are too indifferent about all the magical poo poo that’s happening to them. This conveys a sense of jadedness about love and wonderment, which perhaps is the point. But it made the story, which doesn't really go anywhere, a bit dull. I don’t think it’s gonna stay with me, you know? I wonder how a shift to the little girl's naive perspective would change things. (I love the last sentence.) onsetOutsider - Here’s something I tried to write I sympathize with the narrator wanting to get things done. But they are too wordy and glib when perhaps they should be terse. I find myself not caring where the story's heading - maybe because the narrator doesn't seem to give a poo poo either. Aside from steering away from a disinterested voice, some kind of device to break up the homogeneity of a long-rear end monologue would have helped. E.g., if the format was an oral account rather than a written report, the narrator could respond/react to prompts beyond the page. The most developed character is the lieutenant and she's a cardboard cutout. The rest of the crew are just names on a list. On that note, considering the space it chews up, I was expecting the broken AI-conducted interview to tie into the story somehow. The AI thingy is one of several interesting bits and pieces that unfortunately don't form a coherent whole. Sham bam bamina! - Forever Took me a couple of reads, but I ended up liking this a lot. I wrote this in the chat as well, but your story was relentless in a way. It pulls you into a fever dream that has its own set of rules, and it’s engaging (and short) enough to get away with it. Devorum - Thirty Million Credits I have a hard time putting a finger on why I find this story hard to follow. Perhaps it’s the exposition dumps that makes the story trip over itself. Maybe it’s the plot oddities. I generally try not to think about plot holes/inconsistencies, but… Using the Gravestone more than once results in horrible death for hundreds of people. Yet attempting a second pass sentences you only to a few years of asteroid-mining? If it’s just a fancy fortune-telling device (that doesn’t do its job very well if we believe the narrator), why do people give a poo poo about it? Why has Aetertech gone to such extents to publicly monetize the Gravestone if it’s a huge liability? A hint into why the corps give a poo poo would be nice. How and why did Kellen survive? And I hate the word plasteel. Yoruichi - Escape from the Bandersnort’s Lair I don’t have much to say. You turned a phrase overloaded with ridiculous poo poo into a well-written and engaging story. Good. Chairchucker - It’s Virtual Web 2.0 Or Something I think the first half is strong. But then it’s like you lost faith in your concept and just wanted to end things. I wish I could put this in a better way, but I felt like you never earned the right to ramp up the silliness the way you did. Pham Nuwen - The Silence of the Lawns When I’m in the forest I will sit for hours, just listening. So. This was good. I want to give you something useful, but I don’t think I can. Deserves a better title. SlipUp - Drowned Memories “What woe this foul fog that has clouded my mind, mystified my spirit, and choked my memory has brought me.” Come on, man. Maybe you’re being cute, but it ain’t working. There’s a real story buried beneath the pathetic language. Mow the flowers, turn the soil. I’ll end this crit with another quote from your story: “This was not right. Something was wrong.” Staggy - The Tale of Horick the Elf This Lytton phrase makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. I liked your story, but I don’t want to read it again. I enjoy fables, but this one isn’t strong enough to stand on its own the way it’s presented. I had no idea it was supposed to be an oral recounting until the very end. Perhaps you could’ve actually used that as a storytelling device. Lippingcott - Checkers A few of the similes overreach clumsily, taking me out of the story. Some of the sentences are too long, too flourishy. Details are repeated needlessly. I.e., this is how you describe the ceiling light: “buzzing out of frequency with the rest of the accompaniment”, “unsynchronized background noise” (these two are in the same paragraph), “dysfunctional ballast’s hum”. That’s a lot of words in a short time describing essentially the same thing, despite whatever meaning it’s loaded with. I liked it though. theblunderbuss - The Relic A lot of building up to a boring battle. But fine otherwise. WM Haversham - A Picnic with Daedalus This felt like a third of a story. It’s only marked as a finished work by the twist at the end, which wasn’t particularly poignant or fun. apophenium - You Can Lead a Bird to Water... It irritates me that we learn Earl’s name first at the end, like there’s some significance to this revelation. But there isn’t. A nice story, but not compelling. Also, what those scientists are doing is very unprofessional and I can’t condone it. Thranguy - Transparency I want to like this, but I don't. It starts out fine; it has some of that creative non-verbal communication that I think is right at home in a story about telepathy. But then this amazing superpower becomes a vehicle for normal-boring dialogue rather than powerful imagery. Why? In general the structure is too by-the-numbers, too linear, for something as exciting as telepathy. There’s hardly any tension being built-up before the shot. And then the end just sort of happens - in a very dragged-out way. I would have liked to read the dialogue between Stella and the protag, rather than him just summing it up for me at the end. Final note - the narrator has zero personality. Perhaps that's the point, like it’s a survival mechanism, but give me something. Anything. Bad Seafood - Heavenly Bodies A bit messy and perhaps too stingy with the details, but fun as poo poo. Simple and evocative language, delving into fancy phrasing selectively and to great effect. This story would translate nicely into a stage play, I think. Bolt Lux - Put Your Heart into It Colorful. You managed to make your Lytton phrase not feel out of place at all. Some superfluous phrasing and an off-sounding word here and there that another pass could’ve fixed. Strong imagery saves the text. The "smarter but only supporting/supportive" female partner character has been done to death. It’s boring even as a satire. EDIT: I think I covered every entry. If I missed anyone and they want some a-this, lemme know. Oh yeah, my picks: Winner: Sham bam bamina! - Forever HM: Bad Seafood - Heavenly Bodies DM: Rad-daddio - Bot Builder Loser: SlipUp - Drowned Memories anatomi fucked around with this message at 15:58 on Feb 5, 2019 |
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Feb 5, 2019 15:53
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In for this fun prompt. Edit: also, thank you for the crit, anatomi!
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Feb 5, 2019 17:49
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anatomi posted:Loser: SlipUp - Drowned Memories Brawl.
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Feb 5, 2019 18:39
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If anatomi accepts I’ll judge
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Feb 5, 2019 19:26
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SlipUp posted:Brawl.
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Feb 5, 2019 20:24
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SlipTomi, here be your dread prompt Write a moment of beauty in the post-apocalypse in 2000 words or less. but It has to be the same apocalypse in both stories. Meet and work it out. Yer poo poo's due on, lessay, Feb 15th 11:59 PM CST
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Feb 5, 2019 22:48
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Clever bastard.
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Feb 5, 2019 22:57
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I also to write my outstanding week 338 and 339 stories before this week’s sub deadline. Cuz I hate leaving stuff undone. Also I had good ideas for them and I don’t want those to go to waste.
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Feb 5, 2019 22:57
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I'm in. And since I didn't even finish a story to submit last week, I'm toxxing myself. And thanks to the people who have given crits. It's equally appreciated and infuriating, you loathsome reprobates.
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Feb 6, 2019 00:08
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anatomi posted:Bring it, you limp-necked milk drinker. When we're done a brawlin', you'll be a bawlin'. Cut the flowers and turn the soil indeed, looks like I have a body to bury. Sorry Fleshy, you get the next one.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:39
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selaphiel posted:
 yeeeeah my bad well
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Feb 6, 2019 01:42
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Prompts will be coming as quickly as I can get the images together. Which may be slowly. Sorry. Also, some of you will get get details from the same scene, because there are only 18 Nutshells and fewer of them have readily-available Internet photography. If this bothers you, just think of it as an extremely tiny brawl, and write that way. If I accidentally give you the exact same image as someone else, though, feel free to let me know and I'll replace it. Sham bam bamina! posted:Kickass prompt. In.     cptn_dr posted:Also, In for the week. 
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Feb 6, 2019 01:48
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In for the first time! Bring it.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:05
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Bad Seafood posted:In.  Baneling Butts posted:A new challenger appears!  selaphiel posted:In for the next promt.  Chili posted:Very cool prompt. In.  Simply Simon posted:I'm in for this week. Give me a nice picture to mull about on a plane ride!  Applewhite posted:I'm in. No dead children pls. 
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Feb 6, 2019 02:12
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 Staggy posted:In.   Bolt Lux posted:In for this fun prompt.  QM Haversham posted:I'm in. And since I didn't even finish a story to submit last week, I'm toxxing myself.  Salgal80 posted:In for the first time! Bring it. 
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Feb 6, 2019 02:40
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Yeah I'm judge
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Feb 6, 2019 02:46
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My deepest apologies for my pathetic failure. Maybe I'll return someday, but if td can't inspire me to write I don't know what will. Good luck, and God speed
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Feb 6, 2019 03:51
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derp posted:My deepest apologies for my pathetic failure. Maybe I'll return someday, but if td can't inspire me to write I don't know what will. Good luck, and God speed Don't flagellate, take your time and come back when the time is right.
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Feb 6, 2019 04:01
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