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How do we feel about I, Claudius?
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Feb 8, 2019 22:52
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DisgracelandUSA posted:How do we feel about I, Claudius? Good. It's very proto-Game of Thrones. The villains of the story tend to be cartoonishly so, however, but it's a story of ultra-hammy characters by most standards.
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Feb 8, 2019 23:16
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DisgracelandUSA posted:How do we feel about I, Claudius? Both the novel and the miniseries are excellent pieces of historical fiction. I’ve never read the sequel, though.
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Feb 8, 2019 23:29
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can anybody tell me what period of time Xena Warrior princess takes place?
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Feb 9, 2019 00:03
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Rutibex posted:can anybody tell me what period of time Xena Warrior princess takes place? the sword and sandal time s
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Feb 9, 2019 00:13
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Rutibex posted:can anybody tell me what period of time Xena Warrior princess takes place? Crisis of the third century
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Feb 9, 2019 00:17
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I only vaguely remember from my mom watching it when I was a kid but didn’t Xena and her sidekick get crucified by the Romans or something lol
HugeGrossBurrito fucked around with this message at 00:22 on Feb 9, 2019 |
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Feb 9, 2019 00:20
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:I only vaguely remember from my mom watching it when I was a kid but didn’t Xena and her sidekick get crucified by the Romans or something lol Yeah, I mean I don't have the best handle on it but from what I understand some guy named Judas ratted her out for something or other.
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Feb 9, 2019 00:36
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Rutibex posted:can anybody tell me what period of time Xena Warrior princess takes place? Apparently right around 50 BC, considering Caesar was a reappearing character. I guess the Hercules myths weren't so Ancient after all.
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Feb 9, 2019 01:12
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ok In 75 BCE, Julius Caesar was captured by Cilician pirates  Cilician Pirates really liked this pizza because they were illiterate and thought Sicilian pizza was their poo poo.   The roman senators were pretty much cool with the pirates because they provided Rome with much needed slaves and also wine coolers especially Seagrams Bahama Mama which was particularly in demand at the time. Sulla was dead as gently caress and Julius Caesar felt safe enough to return to Rome without Sulla killing the rear end out of him for being associated with Gaius Marius and Cinna. Julius put himself up in some slums and invented the first crypto currency, however due to lack of a reliable internet connection he turned to lawyery and oration to pay the bills. Billicus and Billienus being his landlords. Caesar started smoking a bunch of weed and kept talking to people about the healing power of CBD and his neighbors complained and he got evicted so he got on a boat to Rhodes to study talking good. Anyway the Aegean sea was absolutely lousy with pirates like I said and they were stupid as gently caress. They captured Julius and set a ransom of 20 talents which is exactly how much 20 contestants on America's Got Talent would get paid and that was obviously a loving insult so he demanded that they ask for 50. Caesar sent his boys to collect the money and spent 38 days hanging out with the pirates. Caesar told them to shut the gently caress up when he was sleeping and spent the whole time reciting and writing poetry for various men and women he was planning on laying pipe into. He pretty much felt right at home with these illiterate weirdos and especially liked their Zumba classes and pilates.  Occasionally he would be like lol I'm going to kill you all and have you crucified, and they would be like lol gg, but it was not gg it was bg. Because when his dudes came back with the money and set him free he raised a loving navy on Miletus even tho he had no authority to do so. So they captured the pirates who hadn't even bothered leaving the island they held JC on. Julius went to the proconsul of Virginia who happened to be dressed in blackface at the time (this is not historically important he was just an rear end in a top hat) but the governor I mean proconsul just wanted to sell the pirates into slavery and take the money for himself. JC didn't really appreciate this guy telling him what to do so he went to the prison to have them all crucified but that was going to be a whole lot of work so he just slit their throats instead. The next installment will be Roman rule on Britannia.
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Feb 9, 2019 02:08
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:ok lawyery 
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Feb 9, 2019 02:11
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:The next installment will be Roman rule on Britannia. "gently caress my rear end, Octavius, is all the food here like this?"
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Feb 9, 2019 02:12
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Honky Dong Country posted:"gently caress my rear end, Octavius, is all the food here like this?" lol
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Feb 9, 2019 02:27
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Literally A Person posted:lawyery That’s what you took from this lmao
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Feb 9, 2019 02:33
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TeachesOfPeaches posted:That’s what you took from this lmao Once more I have strained the hum glum mix down to it's barest elements exposed the knowledge contained therein and tossed away the flotsam.
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Feb 9, 2019 03:08
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QuoProQuid posted:Both the novel and the miniseries are excellent pieces of historical fiction. I’ve never read the sequel, though. Why the gently caress was that not called "II, Claudius"?
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Feb 9, 2019 03:31
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DisgracelandUSA posted:Apparently right around 50 BC, considering Caesar was a reappearing character. but she also fought in the Trojan war and met one of the generals of Alexander the great. in a later season she meets Genghis Khan. she should have introduced Caesar to Alexander
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Feb 9, 2019 04:18
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Rutibex posted:but she also fought in the Trojan war and met one of the generals of Alexander the great. in a later season she meets Genghis Khan. I dunno. For a guy bitching about accurate portrayals of historical events in media, that seems a bit out there. I mean, the usage of magic is fine, but the time traveling historical characters meeting each other? That's RIGHT OUT.
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Feb 9, 2019 04:37
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I found a 5000 word article that tries to piece together Xena's timeline through cameos of historical figures and primary sources, but I couldn't bring myself to derail this beautiful thread by dumping here. So instead, here's my favorite Emperor: Publius Aelius Hadrianus Augustus He was a Good Emperor, even though he had to murder a few people to ascend under suspicious circumstances. He built a big gently caress off wall in Northern Britannia. He helped ensure the legacy of Marcus Aurelius, for better or worse. He visited a lot of different states, thought the Greeks were cool af and did a little warring, a little loving.
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Feb 9, 2019 04:46
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 Caracalla was the son of Septimius Severus, and he co ruled with his brother Gretta after their father's death. His father's dying words to his brothers was "enrich the army, be good to one another, and spurn all other men," or something like that. They immediately hated one another, and literally did a whole "this is your side of the palace, this is my side" type deal. Tensions were rising pretty high to the point the two wouldn't be alone with one another for fear of assassination. Their mother finally stepped in to negotiate a peace between the two brothers. Caracalla decided this was a good idea and let his mother arrange it. It was in her place. Gretta got their first, comfortable that since he was in his mother's house, his brother wouldn't try to kill him. Oops. A bunch of guards stormed in and murdered Gretta in front of his mother while she screamed and begged them to stop. Caracalla later claimed that Gretta tried to murder HIM, but his guards intervened. Anyway, Caracalla used his mother's love to trick his brother into getting murdered which lmao he was eventually assassinated by his own me my favorite poo poo emperor had to be elagabalus. look at this incel looking mother fucker  he followed right after caracalla. His grandmother paid off all the right people to get him elevated to the throne at 18. Sadly for everyone elagabalus was a thirsty piss hog who prostituted himself out of the royal palace. he was married about five times to various men and women. he'd rode around naked in a chariot painted in gold blowing his courtiers for all of rome to see. seriously this mother fucker quote:The Augustan History claims that he also married a man named Zoticus, an athlete from Smyrna, in a public ceremony at Rome.[53] Cassius Dio reported that Elagabalus would paint his eyes, depilate his body hair and wear wigs before prostituting himself in taverns, brothels,[54] and even in the imperial palace: dude was just a tacky slut who loved drama quote:Edward Gibbon, for example, wrote that Elagabalus "abandoned himself to the grossest pleasures and ungoverned fury".[6] According to Barthold Georg Niebuhr, "The name Elagabalus is branded in history above all others" because of his "unspeakably disgusting life".[7] Anyway eventually the same grandma who got him into power was like "yeah my bad" and organized his assassination . quote:The Emperor complied and on 11 March 222 he publicly presented his cousin along with his own mother, Julia Soaemias. On their arrival the soldiers started cheering Alexander while ignoring Elagabalus, who ordered the summary arrest and execution of anyone who had taken part in this display of insubordination.[59] In response, members of the Praetorian Guard attacked Elagabalus and his mother: People say that the reason he was assassinated so quickly was that unlike sexual deviants like Tiberius or Octavian, Elagabalus was a twink power bottom and none of Rome proper could stand the shame of it. Sex back then was less about gender and more about who was on top and who was on bottom. The senate was so disgusted by him that after his death they initiated damnatio memoriae, meaning as far as anyone was concerned he never loving existed and the city of rome was fine with that arrangement. all the statues he'd had carved of himself as hercules (he invented his own religion by the way) were recarved as other people.
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Feb 9, 2019 05:06
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 Marcius Silbannacus Augustus The third century emperor so obsqure no one knew he existed before someone found a coin with his name on it in the 1930s
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Feb 9, 2019 05:41
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Rutibex posted:
Owns
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Feb 9, 2019 06:14
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FizFashizzle posted:
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Feb 9, 2019 06:43
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DisgracelandUSA posted:I found a 5000 word article that tries to piece together Xena's timeline through cameos of historical figures and primary sources, but I couldn't bring myself to derail this beautiful thread by dumping here. So instead, here's my favorite Emperor: Hadrian was also super into this Greek twink (embarassingly so by Roman standards - nothing wrong with screwing guys but don't get so serious about it ffs) and when he accidentally drowned, Hadrian went half-crazy with grief and put up loads of statues to him and announced that he should now be worshipped as a god and everyone else just had to awkwardly play along lol.
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Feb 9, 2019 07:56
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I missed the Gladiator movie chat but I also wanted to say that I am big on Roman history and I also love Gladiator. RE: anachronisms and inaccuracies in movies, I'd rather have a big wacky one like a fictional gladiator killing Commodus in the ring in a movie that gets the history wrong but the details right than something that gets the details wrong but in a way that pedantic assholes wouldn't notice because it feels real to them. I know that's convoluted but the best example is how there's a certain kind of person who gets upset at 2013's Great Gatsby adaptation using modern pop music, but doesn't have a problem with other movies set in the 20's or 30's using decades out of date ragtime tunes, because those feel "old-timey" to that person. There really are people like that!
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Feb 9, 2019 09:21
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Pistol_Pete posted:Hadrian was also super into this Greek twink (embarassingly so by Roman standards - nothing wrong with screwing guys but don't get so serious about it ffs) and when he accidentally drowned, Hadrian went half-crazy with grief and put up loads of statues to him and announced that he should now be worshipped as a god and everyone else just had to awkwardly play along lol. He was the most pretty man who ever lived, everybody said.
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Feb 9, 2019 09:22
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Rutibex posted:can anybody tell me what period of time Xena Warrior princess takes place? In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings.
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Feb 9, 2019 09:46
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Probably legitimately the funniest Roman thing I've read.quote:
Other good things from late Republic/Early Empire: - Bona Dea scandal, whch at this point basically reads like a who's who of everyone famous in late Republic Rome. Short version: Clodius dresses up like a girl to sneak into a festival that Caesar's wife runs. He gets found out, Caesar divorces his wife. Cicero has to give evidence indicting Cloudius but he gets found innocent anyway because Crassus just bribes everyone. - Actually anything to do with Clodius is loving sick, guy demotes himself, becomes a pleb (and changes his name from Claudius to Clodius because it sounds more plebby) so he can become tribune and troll everyone. - Crassus deciding to be Alexander the Great Mk II, goes to Parthia, gets his army shot at for 20 hours straight and then dies, he was not Alexander the Great Mk II - Augustus deciding to bring in a new law against marrying your mistress, a senator points out "Didn't you marry your own mistress?" and he just goes "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" for the next paragrah. - Nero's attempts to kill his mother. He tries poison, a self-collapsing boat, and then gives up and sends a guy over to stab her. Chucat fucked around with this message at 10:34 on Feb 9, 2019 |
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Feb 9, 2019 10:19
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lmao claudius was exiled for writing his history because it was too honest about his family. if he hadn't be related theyd have had him killed.
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Feb 9, 2019 14:53
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Chucat posted:- Nero's attempts to kill his mother. He tries poison, a self-collapsing boat, and then gives up and sends a guy over to stab her. Nero’s other alleged attempts to be sneaky: Drop ceiling tiles on her; hire another guy to ram her ship; have some oarsmen bludgeon her to death (they accidentally bludgeoned her servant instead because she claimed to be Agrippina to get rescued); hire a bunch of people to annoy her in hopes that she might just commit suicide. According to Cassius Dio, when the assassin finally came around to kill her, she gave a speech that basically amounted to, “tell my idiot son to gently caress off and die” and asked him to stab her in the womb.
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Feb 9, 2019 15:32
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:ok More, please.  
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Feb 9, 2019 15:40
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This is my favorite thread right now. 
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Feb 9, 2019 16:28
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QuoProQuid posted:Nero’s other alleged attempts to be sneaky: Drop ceiling tiles on her; hire another guy to ram her ship; have some oarsmen bludgeon her to death (they accidentally bludgeoned her servant instead because she claimed to be Agrippina to get rescued); hire a bunch of people to annoy her in hopes that she might just commit suicide. Holy L M A O I like how the roman aristocrat stereotype is a bunch of stoic wise men, leading Rome to greatness with their virtues or whatever. And then you peel the stereotype back and investigate and get poo poo like this
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Feb 9, 2019 16:30
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Seriously though the Julius Caesar pirate story where he get's kidnapped and ends up hanging out with the pirates and and has a good time but is like laughingly like "You know I'm going to kill all of you, right?" and the pirates laugh and are like "This dude's all right! Haha, all right boys, let's take him home and cash in. He's been a good sport." ...and then he literally kills all of them almost instantly, is one of my favorites.
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Feb 9, 2019 16:36
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claudius was seriously on the spectrum. when he was giving official speeches, there were all these rules of position and cantor you had to follow (it's how you helped carry your message in huge groups of people) and he was fine when he was doing. when he had to just talk to someone 1 on 1 he was a drooling, stuttering imbecile and all his family thought he was touched there's another story where he finally managed to drain a swamp or something that all the romans hated, and when they were ready to open the locks and let the water out he built this mini arena for all the best people in rome to come watch. this was going to be his proof to them all that he was indeed worthy of emperor, and not just given the spot because they got tired of caligula. anyway, all the best people in rome show up, they're sitting in the stands they've built, they're all drunk and having a party, it's just a wild old time in ancient rome. claudius gives a big speech, the locks are opened, and the water flows the wrong way. All the big people in rome get swept up in a huge wave of fetid, poo poo filled swamp water. like you couldn't write that
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Feb 9, 2019 16:39
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Big Beef City posted:Seriously though the Julius Caesar pirate story where he get's kidnapped and ends up hanging out with the pirates and and has a good time but is like laughingly like "You know I'm going to kill all of you, right?" and the pirates laugh and are like "This dude's all right! Haha, all right boys, let's take him home and cash in. He's been a good sport." in the aftermath of the social war sulla and his dudes are killing everyone connected to marius that could possibly every seek vengeance. just loving blood in the street, people knifing each other in broad day light, total poo poo show. eventually they kick in the door (curtain) of some old, kinda broke ancient roman family because there's a line connecting them on some parchment paper somewhere that says they're related. they don't really find anyone in there except this mother and her young child. whelp, theyve got a job to do, so one of them pulls his knife and gets ready to slit the kids throat. his other buddy is like, "dude, no," and they decide they can't kill this kid in front of his mom. Besides there's like dozens of people just running around in the streets they can murder. As they're leaving, one of them says of the kid, "He has many a Marius in his eye." anyway that kid was julius caesar
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Feb 9, 2019 16:42
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FizFashizzle posted:claudius gives a big speech, the locks are opened, and the water flows the wrong way. All the big people in rome get swept up in a huge wave of fetid, poo poo filled swamp water. 10:1 says he had a huge smirk on his face. ""Sure. I'm the idiot."
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Feb 9, 2019 16:53
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the worst thing that ever happened to claudius was becoming emperor. dude had gamed the system, avoiding getting murdered for decades by pretending to be a stammering idiot. then all that hard work was undone by some praetorians who had the audacity to find him hiding behind a curtain after they murdered caligula.IAmThatIs posted:Holy L M A O what people think the ancient world was like v. what the ancient world was actually like  
QuoProQuid fucked around with this message at 17:14 on Feb 9, 2019 |
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Feb 9, 2019 17:10
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QuoProQuid posted:the worst thing that ever happened to claudius was becoming emperor. dude had gamed the system, avoiding getting murdered for decades by pretending to be a stammering idiot. then all that hard work was undone by some praetorians who had the audacity to find him hiding behind a curtain after they murdered caligula. I love the guy. I feel like Uncle Claudius is the proto-goon. He just wanted to be left the gently caress alone after being pushed to the sidelines for being a way too honest historian. He also apparently thought about an edict for public flatulence, due to its health benefits Also, are the praetorians the best or worst personal bodyguards/army ever?
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Feb 9, 2019 17:38
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Caligula gets points for killing the perverts. 
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Feb 9, 2019 17:46
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