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Great advice so far. Been doing more research into local agencies in my area, the info so far is surprisingly encouraging. Great agency, nearby, with tons of positive reviews.
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Nov 29, 2018 08:21
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We had two bio kids and knew we wanted to foster/adopt. We braced ourselves for the worst...and the first was relatively easy and the second is almost over and has been kind of rocky but ended up as we expected. The first newborn we took in was an 8-day placement. He was meth-positive and had a half-brother in the system placed with the bio family's relatives, so we were really supposed to be a temporary placement. It turns out, they had a ton of issues and he never left our home and we adopted him shortly after his 2nd birthday. We never met the bio parents. The second newborn we took in was also a temporary placement. She was meth-positive and also syphilis-positive (turns out she didn't have the disease, just antibodies passed down in her blood) and her bio family was supposedly getting their home ready for her. It turns out, they had a ton of issues and she never left our home and we are on track to adopt her shortly after her 2nd birthday. We met the bio parents, they got pregnant again shortly after we took our foster daughter home from the hospital and they went to rehab trying to keep the second baby and relapsed within a few months. I know a family that went through international adoptions - they adopted their daughter from Ethiopia. It was years of paperwork and interview hell, multiple trips back and forth, and they were able to adopt just before the country closed off to international adoptions. I think it cost them over $30k, and if it had taken a few weeks more to do paperwork or whatever, they would have missed the window and all that money would be gone. Their friend has been trying to adopt a special needs kid from Vietnam, like for a decade now, and he is still living in the orphanage in Vietnam they donate to and keep in contact with. I had an interesting talk with a friend of mine, they are dealing with fertility issues and he refused to consider IVF because it wasn't a 100% guarantee. Like, he was expecting a refund if it didn't work. It made me think of people I talk with about our adoptions journeys. Things have gone shockingly well for us, and it still took years of our life and tons of uncertainty at every step. And we rolled the dice taking in meth-positive kids and both are healthy and strong, hitting all milestones and thriving! Whatever plan you have for adopting, throw it out the window. You have to be able to roll with the punches and be open and flexible to whatever life throws your way. This is really just a general advice post, not aimed at anyone specific, just that literally every option is infused with uncertainty and potential for loss. EDIT TO ADD: I totally forgot a family we knew who went the private adoption route with a big famous adoption lawyer here in LA, spent a TON of money doing all the paperwork and preparing for the birth, and the bio mom decided against adoption after giving birth and then her baby was detained by DCFS and placed in the foster system anyway. VorpalBunny fucked around with this message at 08:56 on Nov 29, 2018 |
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Nov 29, 2018 08:48
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I get sworn in as a CASA today. Very excited!
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Dec 7, 2018 16:29
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N. Senada posted:I get sworn in as a CASA today. Very excited! Oustanding and congratulations and thank you all at once!!! We definitely need more of them everywhere. Our state does their monthly meeting next Tuesday with a slew of cases to check for matches for us. We probably won't have our trial adoption placement until after the first of the year which gives me more time to finish redoing the room a bit more. Also, if you want to cry your eyes out and laugh simultaneously, Instant Family was an excellent movie that got it pretty drat close to right.
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Dec 7, 2018 16:53
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We're still in process, waiting to get some DMV stuff sorted out for my partner who moved from another state this year. We're doing the infant care class tomorrow which should be hilarious because I was a nanny for years and my partner has basically never held a baby. If things stay on track we're hoping to have our home study done in February
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Dec 7, 2018 21:52
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Hah! What! My new AV is hysterical
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Dec 7, 2018 21:53
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Mocking Bird posted:Hah! What! My new AV is hysterical Haha are you in the US Pol thread too? AOC strikes me as someone who would foster/adopt in a different life. Saw an article where they're looking at relaxing some of the requirements for fostering due to the desperation for foster family availability and that idea somewhat worries me. Hope I can find it again.
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Dec 8, 2018 23:36
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For various personal reasons, I don't think I want to have my own bio kids, and have been really open to the idea of adoption for a while now, and after reading this article, I think I know what I want to focus on; providing homes for children whose parents are in prison for non child abuse reasons but are still good loving parents. I had no idea that this was so rampant through our systems and its heart breaking. Recently, my old gentleman friend had to go back to prison for 16months for probation violation and because he had no one to take his dogs, they got put up in a shelter. Those were his babies and I felt so horrible that I couldn't take them for him, but we all need boundaries. But imagining his pain, then amplifying what must be these parents' pain makes me want to help these families tremendously. I've not done much research at all into what adoption is like other than reading this thread, but what pros and cons do you think fostering/adopting children of incarcerated parents comes with? I would be absolutely willing to facilitate visits and things when everyone's cool with it, but what are some other thoughts? And kudos to all you golden hearted people thus far, you give us hope for the world. https://www.themarshallproject.org/2018/12/03/how-incarcerated-parents-are-losing-their-children-forever cinni fucked around with this message at 12:54 on Jan 3, 2019 |
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Jan 3, 2019 12:46
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cinni posted:For various personal reasons, I don't think I want to have my own bio kids, and have been really open to the idea of adoption for a while now, and after reading this article, I think I know what I want to focus on; providing homes for children whose parents are in prison for non child abuse reasons but are still good loving parents. I had no idea that this was so rampant through our systems and its heart breaking. Recently, my old gentleman friend had to go back to prison for 16months for probation violation and because he had no one to take his dogs, they got put up in a shelter. Those were his babies and I felt so horrible that I couldn't take them for him, but we all need boundaries. But imagining his pain, then amplifying what must be these parents' pain makes me want to help these families tremendously. I've not done much research at all into what adoption is like other than reading this thread, but what pros and cons do you think fostering/adopting children of incarcerated parents comes with? I would be absolutely willing to facilitate visits and things when everyone's cool with it, but what are some other thoughts? And kudos to all you golden hearted people thus far, you give us hope for the world. Our last foster daughters father was incarcerated. She knew of it even at a young age and her bio mom brought it up at every visit not so much the specifics, just if she asked that's where she said he was which is being honest without providing specifics which by my book is fine. The pros of course are that you're helping a child in need and giving them love, support, and everything they need to make sure they have a good life and opportunities that they otherwise might not have. The cons are hard to explain, but basically after every visit her behavior would crash and we'd spend a day or two of tantrum level meltdowns, crying fits, night terrors, and basically every bad behavior that you could expect. Visits were mandatory. Her father had requested that she NOT visit him and it was honored as he was the one that tried to drown and kill her originally which yeah no thanks there anyway. She didn't know why he was in prison as she was an infant when it happened, she just knew he was there. Thankfully her therapist was with us for most visits to observe if the case worker didn't come or sometimes both came just to mitigate the fallout after visits. I was there for each as well, so it was usually a full on meltdown car ride home for the first 3-4 months. Towards the end she became stronger and we built coping mechanisms for her to use that helped control the outbursts and let her focus on something else. Visits are usually set up through the state system as to frequency and transportation, so it may vary based on the situation, but just go in full prepared that these kids are well aware of the situations even if they don't understand them and it's not your place to judge or make comment, just to support the child in every way possible. It will try you emotionally, physically, and it will test you in relationships in ways you never thought possible. If you can do it though, it's the most wonderful part of your life knowing that you're giving a child a chance to do great and be great.
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Jan 3, 2019 14:44
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I'd like to add that it's sometimes hard to distinguish between which parents were otherwise good and stable for their children and which ones exposed their children to a significant amount of trauma before their incarceration. Both sides of that coin can love their children and want them, and be devastated to lose them. Trauma can really impact children's development and behavior and I wouldn't want someone to get into fostering thinking that the children and parents might be grateful and thrive immediately - the loss of a parent and their potential trauma history can have a huge impact that takes time to halt and heal from, and can be very raw after visits. It's good to have the perspective that you are an ally to the family, but remember that a family might take time to see you as an ally and not a threat to them being together again in the future, and some families may never get to that place. You're there ultimately for the child and to be the best for them, and anything you can do beyond that needs to not sacrifice that child's safety and well being.
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Jan 3, 2019 21:51
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Welp, our case worker has quit. Like, out of the field all together quit. All her cases have now been transferred to her supervisor while they try to find a replacement. Sometimes forget how broken this system is when they claim such a high demand when it's slower than molasses to get anything moving. We had one response to an inquiry, put in an addendum answer, which due to staffing and other issues went from 2-3 weeks processing to 2-3 months. Kind of looking forward to the adoption party in February since it takes an act of God with this state to get anything done. All in due time, but I sometimes wonder if the straight adoption was the best route instead of just resuming fostering; time-frame aside since teen reunification in this state seems a hell of a lot less likely based on the statistics.
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Jan 9, 2019 17:44
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We're going straight adoption this time too, and it's definitely a slower process. I'm hoping it's worth it - there's something to be said for going in armed with much more information Hell, I work for CPS and we're still waiting for our home study to start ☠️ We put our application in sometime in June It's extra frustrating because I'm a foster placement social worker so I know personally how much we need homes
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Jan 9, 2019 19:24
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Case workers are like a revolving door until you get a veteran who's been around for a while and isn't going anywhere. I think we're on case worker #3 in the last year and a half, but this newest one seems to be one who's sticking around.
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Jan 9, 2019 19:56
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We officially got the word we were approved as a match for the teen we inquired on  Goes to the state for final approval Friday to move to disclosure and then the wait begins. So freaking excited all the case workers were 100% on board with both sides. It’s Tribal once again so it’ll take additional time but 3 case workers later (revolving door indeed) it might become a reality!
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Jan 24, 2019 01:44
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Does anyone itt have experience with heritagecamps.org or the equivalent? My wife is keen on it after rave reviews from a friend. Seems like a good idea, just wondering if there is a down side.
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Feb 10, 2019 04:09
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I've only heard positive experiences from families, often the ones I've known who go to similar programs are the ones who need to support the most in helping their kids navigate their identity, sense of self, and loyalties.
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Feb 10, 2019 05:02
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Also we were supposed to have our first home study interview on Friday, after a long delay while they reviewed all of our documents. She cancelled at the last minute and couldn't say when we could reschedule. It's frustrating because the county I adopted my daughter from is already calling me asking if I can take kids because they have two that are a match.
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Feb 10, 2019 05:04
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So my wife and I have been foster parents since July 2018 in Washington state. One child we cared for was a seven year old boy, starting in late July. Last month, he started getting violent, not just throwing things but also punching/kicking/biting. There are several reasons why this behavior started (most of which I won't go into because they're not really relevant), and most people involved (including his trauma therapist) believed this would eventually stop but that it would probably escalate before it got better. After the third time in January, we told the social worker that we needed to find a new placement for him so that things would be planned. His behavior was getting more extreme, we thought it likely that he would start going after the dogs or the toddler we also have in care, and we didn't want him to be taken by after hours intake social workers in an unplanned placement if a crisis came. Nothing happened on the placement front, and a week later, he melted down again (several fits and meltdowns had been mitigated or redirected in the meantime but those techniques had been getting less reliable anyway), and got violent with my wife again while she was bathing the toddler and I wasn't home. I was able to calm him down when I got home, the social worker picked up even though it was night, and she came to get him the next day. This poor kid has had every bad break in life, he's a really smart boy who has been told he's a stupid piece of poo poo (usually accentuated by a sharp backhand or worse both from biodad and biomom's parade of boyfriends), etc. He was with us for just over six months, longer than all his other 10+ (!) placements put together. He made a lot of progress on his development, health, school, etc., at least until a constellation of issues came together and really ripped him apart. I know that we did a lot of good for him, I know we're Great People for fostering him when no one else would, I know that all four of us are better off in the current circumstances (e.g., the toddler both was starting to mimic the 7 yo's fits and was scared by his meltdowns), all of that. But I still feel really guilty that we couldn't keep him and though it's already been a few days I still constantly question myself -- were we as patient as we could have been? Did we do everything we could? Should we have refused the last placement (the toddler) knowing that his presence might cause emotional difficulties for the 7 yo? Etc. Sorry for dumping on this thread. I didn't know about this thread (though I should have guessed there was one because we're all Olds now) until I just found it. But I feel a little better unburdening myself to others who have an idea of the difficulties in this.
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Feb 10, 2019 06:39
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I'm a placement social worker and these things happen. Doing a post mortem on what is an extremely emotional lived experience is best done from a distance, not when you're still hurting. You did what you felt you could do. Is there a way for you to continue a non-custodial relationship? To be a support to his next foster parents, and provide a narrative to the little boy that he isn't worthless? When I've had foster parents give notice on kids who then go to residential treatment, the kids who have visitors and connections are the ones who make progress and are eventually able to step down into family life, sometimes even to the same family. Remember, whatever you did while he was with you will be the positive experiences he can hold on to when his mental illness and trauma are trying to break him down.
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Feb 10, 2019 16:55
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Admiralty Flag posted:Sorry for dumping on this thread. I didn't know about this thread (though I should have guessed there was one because we're all Olds now) until I just found it. But I feel a little better unburdening myself to others who have an idea of the difficulties in this. I can't help directly, but I understand the guilt. We have only taken in newborns (and a handful of toddlers for a week respite or temporary care) so we haven't had to deal with the violent fits you describe. That was one decision my husband and I made, since we already had bio kids in the house, to only take in newborns or very small babies. It was a purely selfish move, we didn't want the potential for violence or acting out on our kids from foster kids who have already experienced that level of trauma. Our latest foster placement's mother got pregnant literally as soon as she could after our foster daughter's birth, so there was a baby brother in the mix much earlier than anyone expected. My husband and I didn't agree on if we would take him in, as we already had 4 kids total. I felt such immense guilt, having heard all the stories of siblings lost in the system and such, that I insisted we take him in. I am an stay-at-home mom and I convinced myself handing 5 small kids, ages 6 and under, was totally doable. But he didn't come to us as a newborn, he was 4 months old with all kinds of issues from being with the bio parents for so long. He needed a helmet, he was HUGE (massive head, massive belly, no tummy time so he was a little lump of constantly hungry baby), he had thrush, he had digestive issues because the bio family was feeding him solids and fruit juice and stuff, he had major sleep issues (the bio family didn't have a crib, he slept in a carseat on the couch which is why he needed a helmet for his flat head) - he just needed a LOT of care. And I had to admit after a week of caring for him, I was not prepared mentally or physically. And it wasn't fair to anyone else in the household, I had a responsibility to them too to be the best person I could be and give them proper attention as well. So we had him removed and placed with another family, an amazing family. Now the siblings have regular playdates, they go to each others' birthdays, and everyone is committed to keeping these kids in each others' lives. Not only in fairness to the children, but I think in small part to alleviate the massive guilt I feel about the situation, that I wasn't "strong" enough to keep the kids together. Being a foster parent means we are already emotional people, we feel empathy and love for strangers and do our very best for them. And when we can't be the end-all, be-all solution for their problems, we are likely to feel that immense guilt that comes with being an empathetic person. My only advice is to provide a lifeline and provide information for the new foster family, gauge their interest in your being a part of his life, and doing the absolute best you can under the circumstances to be there for him. If they are cool with you being in his life still, maybe take him bowling or do random fun stuff like a fun uncle or aunt would. Go to birthday celebrations and bring gifts. As much as you and his new foster family (and he, of course) feel comfortable with. As foster parents we are lighthouses in the middle of the storm, we are solid ground in an otherwise shaky world, and even if you can't keep him in your care the presence in his life could provide a small sense of stability he might otherwise not find.
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Feb 11, 2019 21:59
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VorpalBunny posted:Being a foster parent means we are already emotional people, we feel empathy and love for strangers and do our very best for them. And when we can't be the end-all, be-all solution for their problems, we are likely to feel that immense guilt that comes with being an empathetic person. Thanks also to MB!
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Feb 11, 2019 22:14
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So I have a question on what to say to my cousin, who became a foster parent about 6 months ago. She never approached fostering with an intent to adopt, and was pretty lax about the ages/sexes of the kids she took in. There were some sibling sets, some kids acted out, and she has had a rotating cast of kids over these past 6 months. But one little girl who was placed with her stood out for whatever reason, and my cousin intended to adopt her. We all know the folly of wishing something like that. The little girl is 6 years old with tons of relatives, and her biological father and mother both appealed when the parental reunification services were terminated and she was (potentially) on track for the parental rights to be terminated and be eligible for adoption. It was messy, but I was nothing but supportive of her hopes to adopt her. And then something happened with some of the other kids in her care. Some accusations were made, and I guess those kids had their day in court recently and their accusations were heard and the determination was to remove the 6 year old from her care. I have no idea what the accusations were, if they are true or false, or what legal right my cousin might have to fight for the little girl. I guess I mostly needed to vent, if I was her and had my hopes set on adopting I would have stopped taking in other kids and focused solely on her case. I don't really know what to say to her about it, our own foster/adopt stories have been pretty uneventful and cleancut. She has just a few days left with this little girl, who will likely be moved to a different foster home. Will she even have the ability to stay in touch with the little girl? Does she have any rights to remain in contact whatsoever, or is it all up to the caseworker? I suspect if there are abuse charges towards my cousin, they wouldn't allow contact, but then why wait 7 days to remove her from her care? I guess any advice on what to say, or if I should say anything at all, would be much appreciated. We don't live close or anything, all our communication has been via text save an in-person lunch a few weeks ago with her and her foster kids when they were in town. Fostering has been the common thread that brought us together as family members. I have to wonder if after this experience she is done with fostering, which would be a bummer.
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Mar 14, 2019 07:34
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VorpalBunny posted:So I have a question on what to say to my cousin, who became a foster parent about 6 months ago. She never approached fostering with an intent to adopt, and was pretty lax about the ages/sexes of the kids she took in. There were some sibling sets, some kids acted out, and she has had a rotating cast of kids over these past 6 months. But one little girl who was placed with her stood out for whatever reason, and my cousin intended to adopt her. We had one random referral in the year that we did fostering which they were easily able to prove was nonsense (it was retaliatory by the mother who was losing her rights) but they still have to fully investigate it. If the charge or accusations are legit, they would have removed the children immediately if it were that serious while they investigated the claims. It's very odd that they would delay removal for a week however unless they just felt it was better for all involved to remove any chance of it being true. Who knows, the system works against the childs best interest at times it feels. As for fostering and wanting to adopt, that's a difficult tree to climb. We went straight adoption only (6 months later, we have disclosure next week ) for the sole purpose that the kids in and out was too much emotional stress on us. If they are allowed to continue to foster (which means the investigation was probably bs) then they may want to consider being dual certified to foster and adopt instead of just foster for other more permanent placements in the future.As for what to say, just comfort them and tell them that fostering is a journey and it's going to have its challenges for everyone and that in the end if they did the best they could with the interest of the child in mind, then they did a wonderful thing, regardless of the result.
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Mar 14, 2019 14:32
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So our caseworker called me as our disclosure is tomorrow, which holy poo poo this is getting real, and she asked us to arrive an hour early which is fine and all. She then explained that their case file is over 500 pages and we will need additional time. As if this wasn’t already slightly nerve wracking before knowing that. Should be interesting with how many case workers are involved with tribal cases.
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Mar 21, 2019 01:34
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Any kid who's been in foster care longer than 4 years or with any significant issues is going to accumulate paper faster than your ever believe 
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Mar 21, 2019 21:00
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Mocking Bird posted:Any kid who's been in foster care longer than 4 years or with any significant issues is going to accumulate paper faster than your ever believe Lot of it ended up being repeats of stuff in the summary that they gave us when we first walked in, but it took about 2 hours to get through it all followed by the disclosure itself. We're going to sleep on it a couple days as it's a ton to process, but everything that happened made sense (it's a teen, a lot of it wasn't surprising) but it was still extremely overwhelming and sad. These kids are freaking tough given what they go through.
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Mar 21, 2019 22:19
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Any updates? I've been rooting for you silently 
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Apr 3, 2019 17:41
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Mocking Bird posted:Any updates? I've been rooting for you silently We emphatically said yes! We still had our same answer between my wife and I from the second we walked in to 48 hours later. It's in his case workers hands now to set up the initial meeting with everyone. Downside is, our case worker quit this week (overworked/underpaid and very honest about it) so this'll be the 4th reassignment since October and from what we just found out she is out for a passing in her own family thus will be out for a while so we've been in contact with the teens worker directly for coordination at the supervisors direction since they're so short staffed. Given the age and history of rejection (LOTS of younger siblings were all adopted first, had one family back out last minute last time, other devastating things) they're giving him more say in the pacing on how he wants to approach visits, timeline, etc. which could push this out further time-wise which is fine we completely understand that. We're anxious as hell but I know that mentally opening up much less trusting another family is going to be a tough egg to crack given everything we've read and been told. He's extremely connected to his tribe so we've been using our time to study up on it, find stuff the tribe does together every year, and his tribal case worker has been an awesome go-to for educational resources. Also opted to go to classes more focused on trauma education and triggers so we will know more going in on strategies and how to handle or anticipate behaviors and reactions. This is worlds different than the fostering angle since you always have it in your head that it may be temporary where this will hopefully be forever.
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Apr 3, 2019 18:18
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It really is very different than fostering - I'm so impressed with your attitude, you are coming at this with a really level head and open heart and it's so uplifting to read about  I'm currently mentoring an 18 year old former foster youth (a friend of my adopted daughter) who is also a refugee visa holder, and she told me today she wants to come with my family for a summer vacation and Christmas because without us she's all alone and honestly my heart totally broke about it. I think I picked up another kid without meaning to.
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Apr 5, 2019 05:53
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I inherited a teenager last year from our lovely parents. Anyone have advice for raising him? I'm feeding him and making him go to school, so already better than our dad, but I'll try to enforce rules and he'll start getting huffy and dismantling his things  Lemme know if any background info could help
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Apr 19, 2019 05:00
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Serious Cephalopod posted:I inherited a teenager last year from our lovely parents. Anyone have advice for raising him? I'm feeding him and making him go to school, so already better than our dad, but I'll try to enforce rules and he'll start getting huffy and dismantling his things Without specifics it's hard to say anything besides platitudes, but based on some assumptions, the two things I would put on the top of the list are: For you: find a resource (distant family member, friend's parent(s), older coworker, etc.) whose advice on parenting you think you can trust, ask them to grab some coffee with you, tell them what's going on, and get as much advice as they'll give you. Repeat as often as is helpful. You need to develop "parenting mentors", if that makes any sense. For the kid: therapy if you can at all swing it. Not only do I believe a lot of teenagers can benefit from it, but this kid has already suffered some pretty big upsets in their life (lovely parenting, being forced to move, having to adjust to a new situation, etc.).
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Apr 19, 2019 05:14
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Thanks. I don't have children, but he's 13 years younger than me. I'm just stable enough at this point to take him in. I've been working since I was 18 to be able to house him. I'll look into parenting mentors, thanks. I (unfortunately) don't have a ton of stable older adults in my life, and my peers all have very young kids. I'll do some digging. He's really fine most of the time, but I told him he'd need to pay for a bike he asked me to buy, because we agreed on that before the purchase, and he dismantled it. Previously, I told him I wouldn't buy him an expensive video game system and he took apart his dresser and used a hammer to break apart the drawers. He's also impossible to wake up in the morning and has trouble getting to school, but I remember being a teenager is just sort of like that. Edit: I'll see if he'll consent to therapy, too.
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Apr 19, 2019 15:32
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Serious Cephalopod posted:He's also impossible to wake up in the morning and has trouble getting to school, but I remember being a teenager is just sort of like that. And it's not your fault, you don't make the school schedules, but it would probably help to have some empathy for him, and not just call it laziness or whatever (not saying you're doing that, just that I used to hear a lot of that growing up).
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Apr 19, 2019 16:45
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Serious Cephalopod posted:Thanks. I don't have children, but he's 13 years younger than me. I'm just stable enough at this point to take him in. I've been working since I was 18 to be able to house him. This was me nearly six years ago. We took in my two half-siblings who were ~15 years younger than me after my mom had some big parenting fails of her own. My mom didn't raise me, so I didn't really know the boys prior to everything going down. But I remember being a teenager, finding out she'd had two more children, and having this gut feeling that they would need me to step in one day. In many ways it was a little easier to fill the parenting role because they didn't already think of me as their sister. We've since adopted them, so our dynamic has changed quite a bit. It hasn't been the easiest road, and it often feels isolating because none of my friends can really relate to the trauma of it all. It's not just their trauma, it's the effect it's had on our whole family. We've seen each kid through an inpatient psych hospitalization for thoughts of suicide, and have been through the system of mental health services for years now. The first 2-3 years were the hardest, but I now finally feel like we're on the other side of it and the kids are in a stable, happy place. They're still broody teenagers, but it feels like the really heavy stuff is behind us. How old is your brother? My oldest used to dismantle/break things too, especially when he got upset. This pre-dated him coming to live with us, and was later partially attributed to his ADHD. His therapist also felt some of the destructive behavior came from his depression--feeling like he wasn't deserving of this new life, so he was working to destroy it. Oversleeping, trouble in school, and behavior problems at home are very common in teenagers, but could also point to depression or other mental health issues. It also may just be an adjustment period, but be on the lookout for the warning signs. In terms of therapy, I would actually suggest family therapy over individual. Teens can sometimes be really resistant to the idea of therapy, especially if they perceive it as you thinking THEY are the problem. Family therapy shows him that you're willing to put in the work too, and can help you two learn to navigate your new roles with a neutral party. We did family therapy for years, and it was really helpful. I didn't have the most amazing role models either, and learned so much about parenting from those sessions. As for the bike and video game system, is he able to afford these things on his own? Are you? I absolutely understand the financial burden of taking on this role, but sometimes kids in these situations just need to feel spoiled every now and then, no strings attached. At first, I remember finding myself so resentful of my mom and the situation that I was expecting the kids to "earn" things instead of giving freely. I didn't even mean to do it, but I realized I was always asking them to pick up extra chores to earn x, y or z. Instilling a good work ethic is all well and good, but especially in times of distress, there also has to be some generosity that doesn't make your love feel conditional. Shortly after the boys came to live with us, we had a biological daughter. She's almost 5, and I still find myself treating her to small things (ice cream, toys, etc.) much more readily, and it's a bias I'm always working to correct. It sounds materialistic, but in my experience with teenage boys, video games in particular buy SO MUCH goodwill. If you're able to do something nice for him, no strings attached, it can go a long way. This is a huge responsibility, and you're a good person for taking this on. Make sure to take time for yourself throughout all of this. Even if you were expecting it for years, it's a big life transition. amethystbliss fucked around with this message at 17:57 on Apr 19, 2019 |
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Apr 19, 2019 17:06
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You need a network of parents, fast. Reaching out to a kinship caregiver or foster parent association may be a good way to meet parents of teens. Does he have friends? Can you meet their parents? You're going to need support and guidance, parenting teens ain't easy. This kid is going through a serious cycle of grief and loss. He may have a history of deprivation or emotional reactions to being denied material possessions. Destroying his belongings can be a way to assert power - to say, "I don't need you or anybody else." Therapy is NECESSARY and if he won't go, I would advise YOU to go and to use that time to have a therapist give you advice and orientation on how to deal with a traumatized kid. You can do this - remember that the goal isn't for the child to be perfect, it's for them to have been better off for having been cared for by you.
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Apr 19, 2019 17:15
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Also - try to avoid poo poo talking his/your parents. The facts may be clear and true, but children often have mixed emotions and will want to defend their parents, or might internalize that if their parents are bad, then THEY are bad. If he wants to talk trash, you can let him - but remind him that right now, you're two brothers taking care of each other no matter what.
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Apr 19, 2019 17:19
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Pretty much what everyone else has said - find resources available to you immediately. Find a mentor, a support group (hope your area has them, I have to imagine so), keep any talk positive if at all possible, and learn anything you can. Treat them with love, respect, and support and never be afraid to ask for help. That's where we struggled as foster parents was knowing when to ask for help when it was needed; respite is a necessary evil. And definitely seek therapy. Any trauma for a child or teen needs to get established with therapy to have plans in place with how to deal with what's happening, emotions, outlets, things that we don't even think about. They may think they don't need it, but they absolutely do. Trauma comes in layers and will manifest over time and if not quickly addressed can develop into some very dangerous situations as they don't have the capacity to process what's really happening. --- Update on our situation since I've been quiet but we've been dealing with a downer: The teen we were looking to adopt changed his mind last minute about being adopted at this time right before they were to schedule our first official meeting to remain where he was so he could be near friends, his school, and with his respective boyfriend. We totally understood but it was definitely crushing after fighting so hard for 6 months to try and adopt him with everything in the process. Even his worker was heartbroken for us but at that age they do have a say in their future and we understand and respect that. On the plus side, we made friends with a new tribes case worker and system and they said we'll be instantly approved in the future if another teen needs placement that meets our criteria. We won't have to wait 2-3 months so that's a huge positive. We then decided to say yes to an emergency placement of 3 boys under 5 while they found permanent placements for them to keep them together. That was the most nightmarish couple of days and reminded my wife and I why we said no to children under 12 and only to take 1. No daycares had room anywhere in our area, emergency shopping for supplies, that was a fun scramble but man it solidified why we have our age range set where it is. We have an adoption party coming up, so we're recovering from not getting the child we wanted, taking on 3 that were emergency placements (babies are the dang cutest though ooh my god I could have kept the baby most chill baby ever) that were only with us for 2 days, and now the adoption party. Our friends ask us how we're not complete alcoholics and I often wonder that myself but my wife and I both will always help wherever we can and volunteer at every opportunity. We also found out last night that there are 0 foster homes open in our entire county. We're the only ones who can take emergency placements in a very large radius which blew our minds. The placements they did find for the 3 littles were 90 miles away and needed time to sort them out with emergency approvals. The entire retention issue for finding foster parents in our state is 100% lack of available state resources when most adults work and can't just quit for kids full time unfortunately.
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Apr 19, 2019 17:35
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I'm sorry to hear that, KL - you and your family seem amazing and I know you're going to provide an amazing home for a young person Our home study should be done so soon, I'm hoping news of its completion will be my birthday present. We set our parameters as 1 child or 2 same sex siblings, ages 5-15 (honestly open to older for the right match).
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Apr 19, 2019 18:32
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Thanks everyone for your advice! An update: My husband helped us reconcile. I (31f) apologised for talking down to my brother (18) about money, and for being disrespectful, and pointed out where I felt he was rude and wasn't sticking with our deal. I also explained that I don't want his whole paycheck, just for him to have a plan to pay me back (I'm going to try to set aside the money for him, anyway). He's going to take a budgeting class (his idea). Thanks for letting me vent, and giving me advice. So many people around me are unsympathetic to kids and young adults, and it's nice to hear that being nice to him isn't going to turn him into a dirt bag. I'll probably lurk and cheer y'all on for your adoptions and fosters.
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Apr 20, 2019 03:30
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Serious Cephalopod posted:Thanks everyone for your advice! An update: Great! Glad to hear it! You're jumping into the game on Advanced Difficulty, and you've already fingered out one thing that a lot of "parents from birth" never understand: apologizing to your kids and admitting you're wrong are signs of strength, not signs of weakness. You don't undermine your parental authority by saying, "I flew off the handle, it doesn't matter that you broke the rules, I shouldn't have yelled at you/grounded you for a year/called you a problem kid. I'm sorry." You undermine it by being a tyrant whose ego is so fragile you can't be wrong. Also, Mocking Bird posted:You can do this - remember that the goal isn't for the child to be perfect, it's for them to have been better off for having been cared for by you.
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Apr 20, 2019 03:56
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