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Kodilynn posted:We also found out last night that there are 0 foster homes open in our entire county. We're the only ones who can take emergency placements in a very large radius which blew our minds. The placements they did find for the 3 littles were 90 miles away and needed time to sort them out with emergency approvals. The entire retention issue for finding foster parents in our state is 100% lack of available state resources when most adults work and can't just quit for kids full time unfortunately. This is what completely and totally blows my mind about the system - it is so hostile to current lifestyle realities that it is nearly impossible for people to become foster parents. I am a throwback, a stay-at-home mom and we survive on my husband's income. I was available to drive to all the random appointments, and visitations, and handle home visits, and all the other crap that comes with being foster parents. On top of all the regular stuff that you need to do with small children. There is so little support, so little resources, that when I try to talk to people about our journey and maybe inspire someone to take it on they just shut down when they hear how much work it is. And then, not to get too political, when I hear about adoption agencies turning away same-sex couples or atheists or whatever and I just think there are so few homes for kids already why are we creating even more hurdles for kids to find forever homes?! I wish all those resources were at the ready and the logistical problems so many people have were dealt with in a common sense way to make people more open to the foster/adoption journey. I sometimes wonder if this might be my "thing" after my littlest one is in school and I have a few hours a day to myself again. Advocating for more federal and state funding, though I would have no idea where to begin...
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Apr 20, 2019 06:55
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SO In addition to my brother, who now lives with me, my youngest sister (12), H, has just been forcibly removed from her mother's custody. Our father was found unfit for care as well, as he doesn't accept that she is trans and he does not feed himself or medicate himself for his bipolar disorder. My sister A will be taking H on, if CPS will allow it, as she has room for her, and because my brother HATES H, and they cannot be homed together. Foster care is our other solution, as I haven't been involved with CPS yet. I plan to help my sisters monetarily, and I think A and I can help support each other emotionally. There's an LGBTQ+ support center close-ish to A's house. I feel like my family is a soap opera right now. Update on my brother: he's talking to me, again, and we're working on returning his bike. Might get him a cheaper one to get to the train to work, but he's doing well enough on the bus. He's happy for H and their mother that they're being separated. Thanks for all of your help, again! This feels like so much to me, and I'm relieved that there are a number of seemingly excellent foster and adopted parents and hopeful parents, for my sister's and all kid's sake.
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Apr 23, 2019 22:49
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Wow, it sounds like it's been a hard time for your family right now  I'm a CPS social worker in California, so if you happen to be in my state you're welcome to reach out and I can help orient you
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Apr 24, 2019 02:57
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Mocking Bird posted:Wow, it sounds like it's been a hard time for your family right now I am, indeed! I'll dm you.
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Apr 24, 2019 03:08
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omg best wishes for you in these crazy times ;_____;
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Apr 24, 2019 08:55
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Reading through this thread is simultaneously heart-breaking (at all the dreadful "parents" whose kids deserve better) and heart-warming (that there are lots of people who, at great emotional and presumably often financial cost to themselves, want to try and do their best to cancel out the former and give vulnerable children the best chance at a decent life). I don't know whether I could do what you guys do, although reading through the thread has in part made me want to! Having said that, my wife last night revisited the question of if I/we were sure we wanted to stop at the two bio kids we have, and we both agreed that like last time we had the discussion we still probably do. I feel like we are in a good position to help children in need, though, and though incredibly hard work it must also be very rewarding. Also, depending on the age you go for it could circumvent some of our issues about making another child, albeit while introducing some new ones! A few questions for you guys (the final one being pure curiosity). 1. For those of you with bio children, how do you mitigate the effect that fostering/adopting has on them? I'm thinking of making them feel no less important and loved than before and of mitigating the risk of an emotionally damaged child actually harming them in some way 2. Is anyone here from the UK? I'm curious as to how our two systems differ, having read a lot in this thread about the American system 3. I've seen "tribal adoptions" mentioned a lot in here. I assume this is where the child is Native American? If so, how would these differ legally from adopting any other child who is a different ethnicity? Thanks in advance and keep up the excellent work all of you.
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Apr 25, 2019 16:14
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OneSizeFitsAll posted:Reading through this thread is simultaneously heart-breaking (at all the dreadful "parents" whose kids deserve better) and heart-warming (that there are lots of people who, at great emotional and presumably often financial cost to themselves, want to try and do their best to cancel out the former and give vulnerable children the best chance at a decent life). quote:Having said that, my wife last night revisited the question of if I/we were sure we wanted to stop at the two bio kids we have, and we both agreed that like last time we had the discussion we still probably do. quote:2. Is anyone here from the UK? I'm curious as to how our two systems differ, having read a lot in this thread about the American system quote:
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Apr 25, 2019 17:14
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OneSizeFitsAll posted:Reading through this thread is simultaneously heart-breaking (at all the dreadful "parents" whose kids deserve better) and heart-warming (that there are lots of people who, at great emotional and presumably often financial cost to themselves, want to try and do their best to cancel out the former and give vulnerable children the best chance at a decent life). Can touch on a couple of these. If you aren't in a place to foster/adopt (not everyone is) you can always donate supplies to organizations/agencies that help these children. One of the biggest things we donate as able is suitcases. That sounds odd, but usually these kids get everything they own in trash bags which sends a horrible message if they're moved, so, we make sure that if we're a short term placement they have proper storage/luggage instead of clear plastic garbage bags going forward. It's a small thing, but it's big in their eyes. Donate toys, clothes, etc. if they need it. We help with the welcome baskets/placement baskets occasionally as well for new families in a pinch that need the basics. Diaper drives for all sizes is always ongoing. 1. Bio children - We have one of our own and she is 100% involved in every conversation, disclosure, placement, all of it. She's old enough now (and even before) where her say matters just as much as ours does for input. She's actually coming with us to the adoption party next weekend and gets to participate and interact with a potential 'child in waiting'. These events are traumatic as hell for kids which is a whole 'nother topic in itself but it's a good way to be matched in person instead of by paper. Bio children feeling involved absolutely makes a ton of difference in their comfort level and makes them feel included when you're essentially adding another random person into their lives, into their things, into their world to share love and attention. It's a huge change for everyone involved. 2. No idea. 3. Tribal adoptions are a complicated web of paperwork, lawyers, and of course the tribe itself. Each tribe will do everything it can to find anyone blood/heritage related to take another tribal child before anyone NOT in the tribe is allowed to even apply. Normally a child available for adoption will have a case worker, an adoption worker, and maybe an agency. Tribal children will have a case worker, a tribal case worker, a lawyer, and tribal lawyer, and the tribe gets final say-so after their own investigation. For reference, the one we just qualified for (but didn't get sigh) took 3 months for the tribe to sign off on it. We had to do additional interviews, paperwork, explanations far beyond the normal process. On the plus side, we made friends within the tribe along the way and they said if another child becomes available we'd be instantly approved instead of having to wait which is amazing as it's reportedly the hardest tribe to generally work with/get into/get responses from. On the line of tribal, the child we had fostered for a year and were planning to adopt originally had a tribal lawyer that found a grandmother to take her right as the judge was moving to terminate the mothers rights, so she got to go home. It was bittersweet but with Tribal it's always a possibility as they will fight tooth and nail not to let children be placed outside a tribal approved home. My wife is tribal as is my daughter (I'm not) so we generally get preference/approval on placements. We also do short term respite/placements (24-48 hour holds) if an immediate placement can't be found and their processing the situation to move the children into the system and find a more permanent placement. Generally these are 1-2 day at most and they've called us as late as 3am and have moved children as late as midnight after they're asleep. We only recently started doing this as we had room to do so and don't mind short term until we find a good match for our family to pursue adoption. VorpalBunny posted:This is what completely and totally blows my mind about the system - it is so hostile to current lifestyle realities that it is nearly impossible for people to become foster parents. I am a throwback, a stay-at-home mom and we survive on my husband's income. I was available to drive to all the random appointments, and visitations, and handle home visits, and all the other crap that comes with being foster parents. On top of all the regular stuff that you need to do with small children. There is so little support, so little resources, that when I try to talk to people about our journey and maybe inspire someone to take it on they just shut down when they hear how much work it is. Our state/system is incredibly broken where it's being actively investigated for quite a few different issues and it's always mind blowing how bad it can be even though there's plenty of us trying to help where we can. Our last short term placement lasted all of 48 hours and they wanted us to go further but we stood our ground on it. It was mid week, they promised daycare initially which fell through. Of the 15 daycares in the area, none had spots open for them without being private pay. That'd be about $160/day for the trio we took which is more than we can throw down on the spot for more than a couple days. It worked out thankfully that work was flexible given the circumstances, but state resources are extremely low where they had 4-5 placement attempts when we had them fail because no one could secure daycare. From what I know, they were placed separately some up to 3 hours away which kills me on sibling sets. The religious exemption for foster care for LGTBQ+ enrages me to no end, but we have no control over it. Thankfully the state doesn't care and we know of 2 agencies in our area that actively promote that they fully support all families regardless of gender so we tend to promote them and donate to them directly the most. We have friends who are gay that have adopted 3 children now all from infancy and they're wonderful and awesome and someday I'm going to steal their baby because he's fat and adorable  so yeah the political crap on that definitely sucks, but at least SOME agencies are like "who gives a poo poo, it's for the freakin' children!"The reality of what you're getting into tends to scare most people off, especially when the training starts. You watch some pretty horrific videos on trauma, abuse, abandonment, there's a reason they have boxes of tissues all over the table for everyone. When we did ours a few years ago now half of the people that started with us never came back. I think of the 4 families that we finished with all of them are still in it and one even got to adopt a sibling set of either 5 or 6, I forget. We see all ages from super young to people who have done it for 50+ years in our support groups every week and training every month. We all share stories, good and bad, and share ideas and ask a ton of questions. There's a very strong community of support behind it all, but we've definitely brought up and highlighted lack of resources as our #1 complaint. Kodilynn fucked around with this message at 18:03 on Apr 25, 2019 |
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Apr 25, 2019 17:54
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(I have posted about our story in the thread before, so apologies if this is a rerun for y'all) I grew up an only child with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother who worked full-time. I was left in the day-to-day care of my drunk dad, who was on/off the wagon for my entire childhood. Frankly, DCFS should have taken me away a few times but I survived and escaped. When I got married and discussed having children, I made it very clear to my husband that I wanted to foster/adopt to help kids in a similar situation to my own. And I wanted lots of kids, because I remember the loneliness of being an only child. We had two bio kids, and then agreed to foster/adopt. We asked for infants, to not disrupt the birth order and for our kids to all grow up together with the same memories and experiences. We took in my son at 11 days old, straight from the NICU, and my bio daughter was a little over a year while my bio son was 3. It was tough, having 3 little ones, but they only really started asking about his bio family or different colored skin when he was around 4. Because he has been with us since birth, they simply don't know any better. It's like I gave birth to him without the gestation. Same with my little girl, we're just waiting on her adoption finalization. We took her home from the hospital and she's now 2. She's only known us as family, her bio family stopped doing visits over a year ago. It really all depends on how you approach fostering. We never called our placements "brother" or "sister" because they could be taken at any moment and I didn't want to promise that kind of relationship to my kids to have it severed without notice or cause, so we call them "friends" instead. We watched that kind of trauma with some old friends, their daughter called every placement brother or sister and all were eventually reunited with bio family. She eventually asked her parents when she would be removed, since all her siblings were gone. We talked about how their bio families were sick and need help raising our friends. And when we adopt we say we are able to grow up with them forever. It's messy, and they still aren't old enough to question everything, but we are starting to hear questions about where the bio families are and stuff. We'll just roll with it as it comes, and I do hope to reach out to the bio family someday for them to have relationships. This is a pretty open group, we talk about all aspects of the process and can help if you have further questions. I am endlessly frustrated at the way people dismiss the idea of fostering without a second thought, but I understand how difficult this whole thing can be. When poo poo gets rough, I just think of these poor kids and how they literally have no control over their situations.
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Apr 25, 2019 19:41
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Thanks for your comments - I appreciate them. Interesting to read about the various complexities of dealing with this in the tribal context. There's a lot of granularity there to grapple with, and obviously the indigenous-but-forcibly-subsumed-within-a-larger-culture (but where progressiveness has presumably over the years increasingly worked to help preserve identity and rights) aspect of it must be quite the labyrinth to navigate in this area (and I guess others) and something we don't come across in the same way in the UK. Kodilynn, the donation suggestion is a good idea. I will definitely look into the best and most effective way to do that over here.
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Apr 25, 2019 22:35
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So we went to the adoption party on Saturday, or adoption event, child/teen cattle call, I don't know what to call it other than weird. It's the equivalent of speed dating but with the age ranges you've opted in for. It was extremely weird from start to finish. It was in an expo center that was actually a barn, it was freezing, and again it was really freaking weird. We were told to get there about an hour+ early to go through the catalog (yes really) of kids. There were 157 total listed and not even half that many families were there. Boys, girls, teens, youngest was 8 the oldest was 17. We were given a sheet in the front of the binder that we could indicate our 'top 10' children names, page numbers, and adoption worker name. About an hour later, all the kids arrived. They had normal expo stuff like face painting, bounce houses, horse rides, arts and crafts, and a very PTSD inducing game where you were intentionally popping a balloon which kept making everyone jump. Again, this was all extremely weird. Of the 3 hours we were there, we got introduced to about 4 of the kids on our list that we wanted to talk to. The adoption workers and case workers and our case worker were there, so it'll be an expedited process provided our match goes ahead, but more on that later. To start, all the kids had their names on lanyards which made it look horrible when i'm trying to read name tags on teenagers it made me look like a huge pervert, so I let my wife be the eyes and I took care of breaking the ice in conversation as I tend to be better at that. For the one's that we couldn't find by tag or face, the staff was extremely helpful in tracking them down and bringing them to us and introducing us. Every last teen we talked to had been in the system 5+ years, all were extremely honest about their past/traumas/histories which we appreciated, and their bio's that were in the book were a hilarious joke of inaccuracies. The benefit of this, if there is one, is that you actually see them interact with other teens and kids, see how they play, see some of their personality, but most were extremely withdrawn, shy, and shut down. A couple we talked to you could tell they really didn't have that light in their eyes anymore and they were on mental autopilot. For some, this was their first event. For others, this is the same rodeo every few months with no success. The workers try very hard to 'sell' some of the kids that are getting ready to age out of the system; one of which was a 17 year old girl who was sweet as all get out but has the mental status of a 12 year old developmentally and didn't understand her surroundings or why she was there. The teenage boys made it a point to avoid everyone and stick to the basketball courts. The parents that were there avoided them as well which was a shame. I (hilariously) tried to play basketball with them, talked to a couple, but they really didn't seem or feel engaged in any of it which I get since again it's a show of being strong to them that they aren't vulnerable, etc. You really could tell which kids resource families were gravitating towards and away from, and it was emotionally crushing that this is the system we live in and how it was designed. One of the girls on our list we ended up talking to for more than an hour. We were the only people who ended up having any interaction with her at all and she and my wife in the end really bonded. We asked her what she was looking for, she was very honest about where she was now, what her past was, and where she wanted to be and find that forever family. She definitely has a history of trauma and mental health issues, but for her age was extremely mature and knew who she was. Towards the end when they were wrapping everything up, we told her that she was on our list of one's that we wanted to talk to and asked her if it was ok if we talked to her adoption worker about moving forward and she got very emotional and excited and said yes. We talked to her worker and ours after all the kids were packed up by the workers and drivers and expressed our mutual interest. If everything goes well, this will be an expedited process and we should have things moving within a week or two if all the pieces fall into place. What got us the most about her is that she has had a failed adoption in the past. She had a family years ago that had legally adopted her, changed her name, not sure how long it lasted but they dropped her off at a weekend camp thing and never came back to pick her up. The state had no luck in reaching them by phone, and they abandoned their home. The assumption is they fled the state but it blows my mind how you could just abandon a child like that. People suck. We're reserved but excited since the last child we pursued fell apart, but hopefully this one will work out better. Wife and I are both cautiously excited and are hoping for the best. Now we wait for a match e-mail and see if we can move to a quick disclosure and even quicker visits! Seriously, that was just weird.
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May 6, 2019 15:17
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Good luck! Those events are weird as gently caress but it sounds like you did your best to acknowledge and be authentic about it, which is what I always tell families I work with Our home study is done (!!) and now I am in the tough spot where I may need to caregive for my elderly grandparents (who raised me, and are amazing deserving people) - so we may delay placement matching while I work that out. It's been interesting - I actually got approached by a juvenile probation department to see if I'd consider being a dedicated home for them, which was a surprise and my family is surprisingly very open to the idea. Kids from probation who need foster homes tend to be the same kind of teen that we'd be taking anyway.
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May 6, 2019 15:43
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Mocking Bird posted:Good luck! Weird as gently caress is a damned understatement. Our case worker had given us a huge heads up that week prior and gave us a very detailed rundown of how it works, what to expect, etc. but it paled in comparison to what really happens. I pray this works out because I don't know if I could attend another one. Once we got home I needed a few hours of silence to decompress and process everything. We were supposed to go to a graduation party for a cousin that night afterwards which I bailed on. It was just emotionally draining and mentally taxing. I can't even fathom how it is for the children at that event, what's in their heads, how they feel, especially first timers if they don't get approached by anyone or have any follow-up. Those have to be just crushing more-so for them. I was surprised we didn't see more sibling groups at the event, most of the book was individual children. We were kind of bummed, one that we were definitely interested in the adoption worker was up front about the fact that she wasn't allowed to be left alone with younger children in the house (no further explanation given) but that was an instant 'no' for us. Congrats on finally getting your home study done!!!! How in the world does a juvi program with fostering work? You take kids who have been discharged that need mentoring? If it was an only child situation, I mean maybe but you are amazing to even consider that. Glad that your family is on board though, that makes all the difference.
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May 6, 2019 16:13
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Yes, essentially - kids that were arrested and charged, and possibly got rehabbed somewhere (or not), but who aren't safe to return home. Honestly, a lot of the time it's parental abandonment. The kids were considering are ones with suspended sentences who would otherwise be completely free to return to their families - except they don't have one. My daughter is almost 20 years old, so whatever kid or kids we bring home next will be the only ones in the house - we don't have any littles. My first job was working for a probation group home, and I'm taking my clinical exam on 6/22 to be an LCSW, so the probation department would love to have me say yes, lol.
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May 6, 2019 23:18
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Mocking Bird posted:Those events are weird as gently caress but it sounds like you did your best to acknowledge and be authentic about it, which is what I always tell families I work with My friend, former CSW who now works in private adoption for older kids, would often take a day before and a day after those events to mentally prepare then decompress. I can only imagine what a toll those events take, especially for kids who have never experienced it before. We have 4 little ones in a very full house right now, but eventually as my kids grow up and move out I hope I am in a position to either foster again or adopt older kids. On our current adoption journey, apparently there is some kind of "backlog" in the state (maybe from the government shutdown?) so we don't have a finalization date yet. Which is hilarious, we signed the adoption placement papers back on August 31st. Fingers crossed we finalize soon! We're in a weird grey area, no longer a certified foster family but not yet legal adoptive parents. I don't like this uncertainty, I just want it to be done for everyone's peace of mind.
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May 7, 2019 06:49
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That's so interesting! Our local judge loves adoptions and will arrange additional times for hearings just to be able to finalize them - I think it cheers her up. Good luck to you and your growing family! Wow four!
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May 7, 2019 14:22
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VorpalBunny posted:My friend, former CSW who now works in private adoption for older kids, would often take a day before and a day after those events to mentally prepare then decompress. I can only imagine what a toll those events take, especially for kids who have never experienced it before. I think I'm going to do this in the future if we do another one (provided our match doesn't pan out) and make sure nothing is planned around it. It takes mental preparation and decompression afterwards. There's a lot more emotional energy put out for those than normal social events. I hope you get a finalization date though that's wonderful Mocking Bird posted:That's so interesting! Our local judge loves adoptions and will arrange additional times for hearings just to be able to finalize them - I think it cheers her up. The judge here that does the majority of the adoptions (by the pics that we've seen in the facebook groups) LOVES doing them and lets the kids sit in his chair, bang the gavel, and is always in all the pictures with the families. It's the most thing to look at. He clearly loves his job and it clearly brings joy to him seeing families come together like that. Probably the same judge that was there when I adopted my first daughter which would be awesome to have him again.
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May 7, 2019 14:38
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My kid is an adult so I can post things like this  I am blindingly white and my kid doesn't believe in dressing up for occasions The judge in this picture was over the freaking moon to do an adoption for an 18 year old that had been in foster care for six years Next week is our adoption day anniversary 
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May 7, 2019 17:02
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i love each and every one of you 
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May 8, 2019 00:49
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Heads up - there's a documentary on the Los Angeles County foster care system on HBO tonight. It's called FOSTER, and it's exactly as hard to watch as you think. I hope it inspires a few people to learn about foster care, there are only so many foster homes and our numbers are dwindling.
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May 8, 2019 04:27
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VorpalBunny posted:Heads up - there's a documentary on the Los Angeles County foster care system on HBO tonight. It's called FOSTER, and it's exactly as hard to watch as you think. Dwindling is an understatement, i'll try and track down the documentary though. There's one on YouTube called 'ReMoved' that I recommend as well, if you can stomach it emotionally. We're working with the local community development folks on foster education programs through the school system as we apparently currently have 0 homes open now in our region. The ones that are open are waaaaaay far away from any major cities/resources which makes placements less likely due to lack of/no resources. Our support group sent a collective letter to our state reps as well about the crisis, but i'm never sure that actually goes anywhere. Worth a shot though. The state is swapping requirements for 12 and under homes that are adoption only that they will be forced to do foster first to adopt as of 5/1 of this year. Over 12 remain the same so our age range was unaffected by the change but for people who only want babies/kids this is a huge change. Good thing is it will get placements moving a bit quicker.
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May 8, 2019 14:15
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I have a question about therapy for my adopted daughter. We started fostering her about a month before her third birthday, and we adopted her after about a year of fostering. She's been officially ours now for almost two years. She'll be six in August. She is adorable and loving and also insanely difficult to deal with at times. I've had multiple workers tell me that they didn't know how I dealt with her 24/7 because she had pushed them to their limit after a two-hour visit. She's extremely bright and extraordinarily manipulative, and she will play strangers like a fiddle to get what she wants. We were finally able to get her evaluated, and to absolutely no one's surprise, she officially has Oppositional Defiance Disorder. She's now on medicine as well. So, therapy. She's been in play therapy pretty much ever since we started fostering her. It seems to have done exactly zero good for her, but we keep her in it because maybe it is working and we just don't see it. Also, she has to be in therapy to qualify for Behavioral Health Intervention Services, which involves a lady coming to the house every week to teach her coping skills and other things. My question is this: does anyone know any strategies to help her want to participate in therapy/BHIS? She absolutely refuses to cooperate with the BHIS lady on her weekly visits. She either ignores her outright, flops on the table to take a nap, fiddles with papers/pens that she takes from the BHIS lady without permission or repeats "I don't know" to every question in an angry baby voice. We've tried sticker charts and losing toys and losing privileges and all the other standard kid behavior stuff that simply does not work on her. She really needs to be able to get herself under control, soon. She's been in school for two years (preschool and pre-k) and both years have been full of notes coming home literally every day about her hitting other children or pushing them. Yesterday, she kicked a classmate that was sleeping during nap time. If she keeps hitting, at some point she is going to be asked to not return to the school. (It's a private school, and the staff are amazing, and it's an extremely supportive environment and I'd hate to see her lose that.) She's been getting a pass for her behavior because she's not hurting anyone (usually) and she's still only in pre-k. I think the BHIS training could really help her stop hitting, but she will not try. She doesn't hit at home anymore. I am almost certain that she hits at school because she thinks that the teacher is trying to watch 20 other kids and won't see her. The teacher does see her, and catches her in the act - often - and also praises her when she sees that she's trying to keep her temper. There are times that she successfully gets away with it, though, which only reinforces the hitting. Everyone that I've asked has no answers for me (the therapist, the adoption support worker, the regular support worker, her teacher...) The BHIS lady even asked me how to get her to listen! I know she's capable of being a sweet, helpful, kind girl, because that's who she is when she's not screaming defiance at the world. I'd love to be able to take the summer and really work with her, but if she won't cooperate, what can I do?
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May 8, 2019 15:47
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ODD kids are a huge challenge (them and RAD are both on our 'no' lists as they're not something we're equipped to handle) and are usually with therapeutic certified homes, so is that the route you had prior to adoption? If you have her in therapy you're doing what's best for her and it's going to be a long difficult challenge with that one. As long as you have an understanding school staff, therapist, etc. keep doing exactly what you're doing. Praise the positive and discourage the negative. She'll get to an age eventually where you can explain why those behaviors are harmful as opposed to a punitive based response as time goes on. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or at the extreme Dialectical Behavior Therapy along with meds may be the only option. Some kids that I'm aware of with ODD are often also diagnosed with ADD or ADHD so they often pair the treatments together and use stimulants as regulatory agents even as far as to add an anti-depressant/SSRI (*note: I am not a doctor nor am I a Psychologist this would have to be heavily evaluated, i'm only aware of the treatments from an educational/training standpoint) . Doesn't work for everyone obviously, but it's come up before. She's going to have a difficult path, so as long as you continue to maintain the therapies and do what you can, you're doing the best you can for her. Keep doing what you know is right by the child, that's the best you can do for her; that being said, don't ignore your needs and your families needs either. Find a good balance if possible. Ninja edit: The 5 (eventually 6) year old that we fostered when we first started would completely shut down during therapy sessions and did the same 'I don't know' wouldn't talk/regressive behavior. The only way we made any progress was utilizing distractions while they were asking her questions so coloring, clay, putty, slime, something that could occupy her hands. This was far from an instant fix as she had an extremely traumatic event that brought her into the system but after 4-5 months she finally started answering a little bit more each time. Kodilynn fucked around with this message at 17:23 on May 8, 2019 |
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May 8, 2019 17:21
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I highly recommend the book The Connected Child - it outlines a ton of behavioral/emotional theory behind trauma-triggered behavior and physiological effects of trauma, and walks you through intervention and engagement methods for parenting a challenging adopted child. It's very approachable in writing style, but based in serious behavioral science. I buy copies for the parents I work with who are struggling with diagnoses like your daughters' because another focus is how to keep loving and being warm with a child that pushes everyone away. Your child is struggling, but she is still lovable and amazing in her own way, and she is capable of engaging with the world and having happy relationships if she keeps getting support from you, and ongoing interventions and structure! A therapist that doesn't have the engagement skills to work with ODD should be working on increasing their skill set through clinical consultation, or should refer you to a more capable provider. Generally, if I can't engage a child with an ODD diagnosis, I'll do parallel play (two puzzles next to each other, two papers drawing) and move to cooperative play (tag, checkers, collaborative drawing) and do some skill building with establishing mutually agreed on rules and rewarding cooperative behavior. It takes me a few meetings often before we can get there and start making real progress. If that's not an option, I'd suggest you give her therapist the book after you're done reading it. Remember that children are trying to meet their needs with their behavior - what does your child need? Why aren't they able to access it through cooperative behavior or communication? Is their sense of safety in the world compromised? A child that feels safe doesn't feel the overwhelming urge to be the captain of their own fate, to the point of ODD. Sometimes brain chemistry has a lot to do with a child feeling safe, and medication combined with CBT/DBT can help, and for less verbal or cooperative children, I've seen some studies that say EMDR is a good intervention. Sticker charts really work best for children who already feel safe and aren't acting impulsively. Mocking Bird fucked around with this message at 19:41 on May 8, 2019 |
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May 8, 2019 19:38
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Thanks for your responses!Kodilynn posted:ODD kids are a huge challenge (them and RAD are both on our 'no' lists as they're not something we're equipped to handle) and are usually with therapeutic certified homes, so is that the route you had prior to adoption? Ha. Ha. Hahahahaha! No, we were completely unprepared for severe behavior problems. When she came to us, we were told that she had zero problems, behavioral or health, except that she was a little stubborn. It took us about five seconds to realize we'd been given wildly incorrect information after she showed up with a bag of medicines, a nebulizer, and a persistent smell of rotten onions thanks to her precocious puberty. Ever had a two-year-old going through the early bits of puberty? It's super fun. (Fortunately, it's not progressing very rapidly, but her endocrinologist is keeping a close eye on her. Thank goodness for extra-strength deodorant!) Mocking Bird posted:I highly recommend the book The Connected Child - it outlines a ton of behavioral/emotional theory behind trauma-triggered behavior and physiological effects of trauma, and walks you through intervention and engagement methods for parenting a challenging adopted child. It's very approachable in writing style, but based in serious behavioral science. I just finished reading the book and it was fantastic! I am so excited to have something new to try that lets me feel like a parent instead of a prison guard. I've tried a few of the suggestions, and so far, she seems to be responding a little more positively. Thank you so much for the recommendation!
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May 12, 2019 00:53
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Magrat posted:precocious puberty omg D: I didn't know this was a thing for 2 year olds.
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May 12, 2019 01:15
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Are you working with a good pediatric medical team as well? Precocious puberty and hormonal changes can have serious impacts on behavior and mental/social/emotional development - the impulse control and mind of a little girl, but the hormonal chaos and hair trigger of a teenager. I'm glad the book is helping you, I read it sometimes when I need to recenter myself on parenting. I have a hard time sometimes holding the line with my teenager because she's been so deprived in her life, but that book really helped me cement that I'd be making her life harder by not lovingly showing her structure and consequences.
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May 12, 2019 01:43
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The Connected Child is something everyone with kids should read as it is an incredibly well written book. My copy is very worn for a very good reason.
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May 12, 2019 01:59
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So over a year after bio parents lost their parental rights, we finally have a finalization date! June 10th she will officially, legally be our daughter! In other news, her bio little brother went to court today with their foster parents. I warned them of the slow pace of the system, how not to get their hopes up, to assume the worst and celebrate the best...and they still went into court today expecting everything to go their way. There were classic "notification issues" and their termination of parental rights hearing was pushed back 6 weeks. Obviously, they are devastated, but I had to remind them that little dude goes home with them today and he is safe, secure and on track to be theirs forever.
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May 23, 2019 02:32
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Hurray, Bunny daughter! Update from me: my adult sister now has custody of my youngest sister. She's doing a lot better! She's in school, she hasn't seen her mother (and doesn't really want to), and we're working on finding her a therapist. My adult sister wishes she had more support in the vein of medical insurance and child support for her (that would help with the therapy), but she's doing pretty well over all. I did have to restrict her steam account because of inappropriate behavior online, but she's 13, so that's not surprising.
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May 23, 2019 02:46
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Congrats to both of you! You're rock stars all around, I love this thread
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May 23, 2019 03:51
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Yay congratulations on your little bunny!  The child we submitted for went AWOL and is now in an inpatient facility and whatever they did are now labeled as unable to be around small children, so we’re now 0 for 2. Back to square one! Today we’re at training for Aligning Intent with Impact: Creating Inclusive Environments to Support LGBTQ+ Youth and it’s been amazing and educational. My wife and I are the only couple here and the only pair not working for the state agency who’s required to be here. edit: Wrong baby animal reference. Kodilynn fucked around with this message at 00:15 on May 24, 2019 |
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May 23, 2019 20:44
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Teens can be so hard, I'm sorry to hear that they're going through that, and I'm sorry that you haven't been able to add to your family yet. It's always interesting to be the voluntary participant in a mandatory training - I end up in that space a lot when it comes to race/trans racial foster care trainings. I'm deep into being in that space and trying to soak up as much as I can (since I work primarily with families of color, have a black kid, and am white passing), but it's incredibly (and sometimes hilariously) uncomfortable for some social workers/foster parents to talk about race issues, white privilege, supporting kids of color, how they should make some black friends maybe, etc There's a single black social worker at my agency and she is long suffering, bless her heart. She avoids those trainings like the plague.
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May 24, 2019 00:59
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Mocking Bird posted:Teens can be so hard, I'm sorry to hear that they're going through that, and I'm sorry that you haven't been able to add to your family yet. It was incredible information as a whole and seeing how uncomfortable it made some of the workers was VERY interesting, given that it's part of their jobs to have these conversations with kids and teens a like and they had absolutely no idea how to approach them. The only leg up for us is that it was our 3rd training like this so we had some knowledge going in to give educated answers. The presenter did an outstanding job making it interactive with activities, using the DIE model and the preconceived ways we view different situations based on our cultures. We actually connected with a few of the workers and gave our info and got their cards. They have staffing next Tuesday for all counties in the state and we're looking at expanding our 'adoption only' stance back to long term foster just to see if it opens a few more doors for us on that front. We definitely knew teens were difficult going in, but we underestimated to what extent. The AWOL thing is apparently very common, most turn themselves back in eventually, but it often delays their availability or, in the case of the one we submitted for, they do something that changes what they're recommended placement qualifications are. We're pretty open to almost anything, but our daughters safety and ours is definitely #1 on the list before we pursue anything post-disclosure. This also brings up the possibility of the next adoption party which honestly I don't know if i'm in the head space to attend after the last one. We had a couple more on our list from the party that wanted to match with us, but at the time were declined since you can only be authorized for one child at a time (if that's your limit in your home). Think our next training is cultural education and awareness in youth and societal development if i'm not mistaken next month. We only need 12 credits of training a year but they've all been amazing so we keep signing up for them since the resources we're given and strategies gleamed from them have reshaped how we parent in a very positive way. One of these days/months we'll find the right child to add to our family  Until then, it's inspired both of us to expand our volunteering at the local Equality Center and helping set up for Pride and attending of course. Our daughter donated 8" of her hair to one of the groups that makes wigs for cancer victims. NOT locks of love, was an alternative group. If y'all haven't done Pride Bingo you're missing out on the most fun you'll ever have.
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May 24, 2019 14:55
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So while we wait on our 3rd attempt at an authorization on a waiting child (which, again, takes weeks because... science? BUT THEY NEED HOMES [insert long waiting period]) we connected with the local(ish) chapter of 'Free Mom Hugs' at our local Pride event/parade! They do stand-ins at LBGTQ+ weddings where the biological parents won't have anything to do with it so they go in their place which is just awesome among other amazing things. They're also wonderful all around people and I now have a 'free dad hugs' shirt which I proudly wear We gave so many hugs at Pride it was so much fun. Anyway, they connected us with several youth shelters that we had no idea existed as they tend to stay 'unlisted' for safety purposes and this weekend is our first time getting to do a mentoring session where we get to help youths and basically spend a day (first of many hopefully!) helping out where needed, homework, life stuff, whatever they need basically. One of the volunteers gave us some education regarding adoption out of youth shelters as an alternative to the state as many of the youths there avoid registering with an agency or state department to avoid being moved around/dealing with 'what could be' and that several of their members have volunteered and adopted kids directly out of the shelters that they mentor. So, we may be looking at that route if the state is going to drag their feet when so many kids need good homes. Definitely a different route than we had ever considered or even thought of, but, it certainly got us thinking about it.
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Jun 6, 2019 15:19
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I love how hilariously creative we become as our agencies and states continue to drag their feet We finally got assigned a social worker and should be signing off on our final home study any day now! We put an inquiry in for a 10 year old boy who I actually was peripherally aware of as he lives in a facility near where I work and I've interacted with him in passing. Fingers crossed...
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Jun 6, 2019 19:51
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Mocking Bird posted:I love how hilariously creative we become as our agencies and states continue to drag their feet Crossing my fingers for you! For the hilariously creative part, I have a friend who works on the foster side of the system (separated from the adoption only side that we're currently on for the moment...) that said the adoption only side is having major staffing issues and that people are basically dropping them left and right in favor of agencies or just closing homes entirely out of frustration. We were teetering on that point because of how frustrating and dense the system has been given the claims to the number of children that need good homes. The craziest one we heard from one of the momhugs group was she found her now-son couch surfing because his parents disowned him for coming out. She invited him to couch surf with her family and within a year it became permanent and official! That one warmed my heart, but she abandoned trying to go through proper channels years ago in favor of support groups, mentoring, and volunteering. She literally stumbled across him. I hope we have that kind of luck weirdly.
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Jun 6, 2019 20:40
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Today we finalized our adoption of our foster daughter! We went to Chuck E Cheese after, because she loves that place, and her bio little brother was able to join us. His foster family is waiting on the termination of parental rights for him so they can proceed to adopt, it's their first rodeo and they are so wound up about it. I try to tell them to relax and enjoy every day with him, but sometimes you just have to let people feel their feelings. No one ever really relaxed when someone told them to "just relax" about anything. Hang in there, other foster families! With both of our adoptions, our children were born meth-positive and were temporary placements. Both are happy, healthy, and each took over 2 years to progress from placement to adoption. It can happen, even if it feels like it never will.
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Jun 11, 2019 08:55
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VorpalBunny posted:Today we finalized our adoption of our foster daughter! We went to Chuck E Cheese after, because she loves that place, and her bio little brother was able to join us. His foster family is waiting on the termination of parental rights for him so they can proceed to adopt, it's their first rodeo and they are so wound up about it. I try to tell them to relax and enjoy every day with him, but sometimes you just have to let people feel their feelings. No one ever really relaxed when someone told them to "just relax" about anything. Congratulations that is awesome and wonderful!!!
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Jun 11, 2019 14:31
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Congratulations!! I love getting some good news in this thread every once in a while I'm pretty sure I have Chuck E Cheese PTSD from my time as a nanny, though 
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Jun 11, 2019 20:20
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