InediblePenguin posted:

These old people are not reliable narrators. At the start of the thread multiple people linked the Issendai blog which should really be required reading before engaging with the actual link in the O P I think; it very clearly and understandably discusses these kinds of posts and shows you how and why to notice the unreliable narration Etc

Demon Of The Fall posted:

So I'm kinda confused, are we making fun of these old people or the children? I've read some of the posts and they seem uhhh not weird or strange. Maybe I'm an idiot, which is true honestly.

Barudak posted:

For people who arent familiar with this here is the most charitable what actually happened for one of these random posts

"Why wont my child, who I told is never welcome in my home again because they married a [racial slur], not talking to me, I did nothing wrong!!"

Drunk Nerds posted:

As I see it, giving up on your children for any reason except fear for personal safety is wrong. Your adult daughter-in-law has BPD, a known mental disorder? Deal with it, blaming them for bad mental health and then bailing on them over a freaking Facebook post is wrong.. Parenting is forever, if they don't like their kids' behavior they figure out a way to help or get over it.

LyonsLions posted:

Reading these posts is both cathartic and depressing. My husband's family is like this. I don't think his parents are narcissists, but they have some of the residual symptoms from being raised in really toxic families. Husband's aunt is a full-on toxic narcissist who has spent her life making everyone around her miserable. She had no children of her own, but did the golden child/scapegoat split with her nieces and nephews, after manipulating her way into getting lots of time alone with them to subject them to her bullshit. 2 of the cousins who she practically raised are deeply damaged people. She basically admitted to having made them like herself, i.e. eternally single, so that she would never have to be alone. My husband was deeply entrapped in her guilt web until we had our second child, and he realized that she was trying to set up the same golden child/scapegoat dynamic with our children. Except that she was already pushing 90 then, and had lost a lot of her former manipulative power, and what she was doing was so obvious and pathetic. We haven't seen her since then, and are not really sure whether she is still alive. The last time she called, she tried to guilt my husband into demanding that his father "repay" a loan that he repaid decades ago, so that she would have something to leave to those of her nieces and nephews she deemed worthy. She was trying to ensure that her toxic bullshit continued to gently caress with people from beyond the grave. She also demanded to be buried with my father-in-law and that his wife of nearly 50 years be buried elsewhere.

Bobbie Wickham posted:

LOL, the majority of people who have BPD (or another personality disorder) developed it as a result of their parents'/caretakers' abuse. If your kid has BPD, it's because you gave it to them. Not speaking to their children would be the kindest thing they could do.

quote:

Also, we’ve all been here on Earth long enough to know how fast society’s attitudes can change. It may be no big deal to laugh about how funny a child was when they got a spanking they deserved in the ’70s or ’80s, but that could come back to bite you in the tushie if your grandkids or great-grandkids ever needed you to go to court and take custody of them.

Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

posted in response to a reminder that it is a public forum and to be careful with disclosures:

Drunk Nerds posted:

As I see it, giving up on your children for any reason except fear for personal safety is wrong. Your adult daughter-in-law has BPD, a known mental disorder? Deal with it, blaming them for bad mental health

Moon Atari posted:

BPD isn't so easily 'dealt with'. Maintaining a relationship with someone who has it will often mean taking constant abuse and bullying while simultaneously being blamed for everything. There is no level of submission to abuse, of onesided unreciprocated kindness, patience and love that will safely satisfy someone with BPD. The parents could be storybook perfect and putting themselves into debt to pay the kids bills and they will still get accused of being horrible exploiters and abusers. Even if the kid isnt personally violent that can be a dangerous situation, since they might slander the parents into violent or legal reprisal over entirely imagined slights, even as they have completely mentally broken themselves trying to please the kid.

Of course, it's impossible to tell if the parents are reliable narrators and they could just be labelling their child as BPD to explain away what is actually completely rational behaviour. In general though pretty much the only cases where the parents can be considered sympathetic is where the child has a personality disorder or has been a drug addict over a sustained period of time. Some of those sympathetic cases wind up on the estranged parent forums looking for help and either find a temporary home (assuming the other posters situation reflects their own before realising it does not) or get warped by the toxic culture.

quote:

I haven’t been on in weeks. I want to be better. I want to stop thinking about this.
I moved out of the home that I lived with my daughter. The home that she left. The home where she used me and betrayed me.

I moved to a new place with mostly older adults. Houses in a small community. I have been here for a little over two months. Have met neighbors and feel like i have found a new life. I even planned a party next week for the “gals” in the neighborhood.

Tonight I found out that the house next door to me – that just sold – includes a 10 year old boy. As I chatted with his mother, I found him beyond irritating. I have several animals and he’s decided that he can come and visit them any time – I had to hold him back from coming in at that moment. Meanwhile their dog decided to run up on my porch in a neighborhood where dogs are not allowed loose.

Okay, I sound like a jerk! But the fact is…. I spent the last 20 years as a slave to a child who turned on me and treated me so badly that I needed to start my life all over again.

And now here, in what I thought was my sanctuary… It’s not anymore.

Very few children live in this community. I never imagined having one next door.

So, now I’m going to have to move again. And it’s going to leave me broke. But I can’t live around children!! I just can’t!

I stopped posting here because no one responded to me. I felt like I didn’t belong.
But… one more time I’m reaching out.

I am so upset! Maybe this means nothing to some, but to me I feel homeless.
I had the same house for almost 24 years and sold it because of my daughter and the pain. Now I find a new place and I can’t stay here either.

Maybe you should all just tell me to suck it up and get a grip… I don’t know.
I just know I’m in pain

LabyaMynora posted:

I'm fascinated by how many of these NPD parents describe themselves as "devout Christians."

quote:

I’m happy I made you laugh Suki
I had a good chuckle when he said it to me and we all need to
laugh our way through this.

So……..

Any funny stories you’d like to share???

I told my daughter once when I was sooooo angry with
her:
” I’m coming over there to beat you with a shovel.”
She told me later how furious she was I’d said that.

I had a miniature shovel which I mailed to her with a note attached,
“I don’t know why a little shovel upsets you so much”.

My son would have cracked up, she never mentioned it.
Thank God I have one normal kid.

quote:

Hi
Some of you may know my story–it’s not unique. My son married a girl who was wonderful to my husband and me as his girlfriend but changed dramatically after they got engaged. Because of this and my son’s unwillingness to have a relationship with us unless we accept his wife and her mother’s abusive, lying behavior, we have been “outed.” We did not see him or our only GD for eight months. Then as I posted several weeks ago, out of the blue we got a formal invitation to our GD 1st birthday party. Sheri had some very good advice; my pastor and friends had a lot of good advice, too, which I faithfully followed.

But, unfortunately, I have another story filled with disappointment, and I’m so very, very sad that I feel I will not be able to get over it this time.

We went to the party not knowing what to expect with the knowledge that we were “the bast…s” at the family reunion. She has a very, very enmeshed family. We have little. Our daughter is on the other side of the country, as is my husband’s sister. Our parents are long gone. My son doesn’t speak to my only surviving brother, but we have a lot of friends. None of our friends were invited to this VFW hall where they had the party. Of course, it was filled with all of her family and friends. My husband’s cousin was invited (none of mine were) and we sat with her family.

My husband said hello to our DIL (I avoided her). My husband said hello to her mother (I avoided her). I am a very loving Christian women who has been struggling very hard to forgive these two women, but I do not want to be in the presence of someone who abuses me, so I just stayed away from the abusers.

Our GD did not know us. She was very cranky, and did not want to let either of us hold her. My son was the only one who could console her. He was polite with us, but it broke my heart to see the sadness in his eyes. I had brought some Halloween and Christmas decorations I wanted to give to him, so after the party he came out to the car to get them. He looked at me with the saddest expression and said I’ll call you, but I know it won’t happen. And even if it does, nothing will change.

I’ve read before in this community how other women feel that their sons have been “abducted by aliens” or “joined a cult.” I feel exactly the same way. When he got married and the DIL and her mother started their pattern of controlling him and abusing me, I could see him slipping away. When things that the mother were doing weren’t enough, she started making up lies. When this recent event that caused the estrangement occurred last July, I started having dreams about sweet little puppies and then kittens, and then babies being devoured by a large group of people. I believe these were dreams about my son. And he is gone to me now.

After three months of marriage my DIL insisted that they move in with her mother and father. They emptied her condo, stored her furniture, and left it empty (as they continued to pay the mortgage) for one year until they sold the place and bought a house. My husband and I spent considerable money helping them out in buying the place and working on it (all unappreciated). They have lived in it 20 months, and now yesterday I find out that her mother and father sold their house and moved in with them!!

I was up all night crying (I guess I’m Not Done With the Crying yet), and I have been breaking down all day today. My daughter asked me this morning if I was glad I went so I could see my GD, and I can’t even say it was worth it. My heart is broken yet again, and I just don’t know how to get over it.

MasBrillante posted:

MasBrillante posted:

“I started having dreams about sweet little puppies and then kittens, and then babies being devoured by a large group of people. I believe these were dreams about my son. “

The Saucer Hovers posted:

nuggetized boomer madness

Devils Affricate posted:

The vast majority of these seem to be cases of horrible parents mystified as to why their adult children don't want to put up with their abuse anymore.

But yeah, that brings up a major problem with sites like this. People's situations can be completely different, but one person will come in with a story like "My schizophrenic son refuses to leave his apartment and when I try to call him on the phone he just screams about Alex Jones and flat earth, please help, I love him" and every rear end in a top hat parent on the site who was kicked out of their kids life because they legitimately treated them like poo poo will nod their heads in faux solidarity and say something about how this generation is just so screwed up.

quote:

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/
Not all of the members of estranged parent communities are abusers. Quite a few people show up with stories of losing contact with their children because of drugs, mental illness, cult involvement, abusive sons- and daughters-in-law, or the influence of a vengeful ex. However, most of the people who know why their children are estranged filter away from the group quickly. I don't know where they go, but I suspect they find help in other groups—parents with drug-addicted children find groups about dealing with drug addicts, parents whose children are in the control of an abusive partner find groups about partner abuse. What's left are the people who have no idea why their children left them. And that, my friends, is a vast and waving red flag.

MasBrillante posted:

“I started having dreams about sweet little puppies and then kittens, and then babies being devoured by a large group of people. I believe these were dreams about my son. “

ArbitraryC posted:

Not a good thing to tell your kid but as a random anecdote it seems like a perfectly normal coping thought for them to have. Like "man it sucks they commited suicide cause I have to deal with it and it's even worse if I do the same thing" is a dark thought for sure but not really a difficult to understand sentiment. Thinking about how it would affect others is basically the entire reason not to off yourself when you're in a bad place.

Bobbie Wickham posted:

LOL, the majority of people who have BPD (or another personality disorder) developed it as a result of their parents'/caretakers' abuse. If your kid has BPD, it's because you gave it to them. Not speaking to their children would be the kindest thing they could do.

BluesShaman posted:

I don't think that's how brain chemistry works.

BluesShaman posted:

I don't think that's how brain chemistry works.

BluesShaman posted:

I don't think that's how brain chemistry works.

The Dregs posted:

I have the opposite problems these kids do. My dad was an abusive, violet, drunken rear end in a top hat growing up. I grew up in constant fear of punishment and caught beatings a couple times a week. The thing is, now he's a sweetheart. Still a drunk, but a nice one. All the grandkids love him. He took my daughters on a cruise. He heard I needed money for a new sewer line in my yard and called me to take care of it. I kinda feel guilty that I still don't want to be close to him, but what can I do? I don't even know how.

Panfilo posted:

There's gotta be a whole season worth of Dr. Phil episodes about parents like this.

OMFG FURRY posted:

i like to blame most of day time tv programming for reinforcing lovely parental behaviors, but i'd also like to believe that people aren't that malleable.

The Dregs posted:

I have the opposite problems these kids do. My dad was an abusive, violet, drunken rear end in a top hat growing up. I grew up in constant fear of punishment and caught beatings a couple times a week. The thing is, now he's a sweetheart. Still a drunk, but a nice one. All the grandkids love him. He took my daughters on a cruise. He heard I needed money for a new sewer line in my yard and called me to take care of it. I kinda feel guilty that I still don't want to be close to him, but what can I do? I don't even know how.