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Koalas March posted:I don't think it would have bothered me as much if it wasn't like, literally the day after I had to tell the doctors to pull the plug on him.  share what you wish, no obligation. I love my dad too but turns out brutal civil wars and a low key genocide fucks with a kid. Still keeping my distance because while it may explain who he is, it certainly doesn’t loving excuse his behavior towards me. quote:This may be a little long. (back ground) I am/was a mother to three, two boys and a girl. While married to their father for nine years, I suffered emotional and physical abuse. My ex fractured my hip, caused severe disc problems and shook me. Turns out he was diagnosed bi-polar. I finally went to a support group called ALIVE which helped me to understand I was not at fault and the relationship was toxic and so I left and divorced my ex. I fell in love two years later with my new husband and we have been married for 32 yrs. teen witch fucked around with this message at 13:56 on Jul 13, 2019 |
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Jul 13, 2019 13:54
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Drunk Nerds posted:I scolded my kids this morning, "I can't believe you're acting so poorly." Then I realized, it really should be, "I can't believe I haven't put in the effort to figure out why you're acting so poorly and engage you in a way that fixes that." I think these parents never make that introspective connection. Lol it doesn't make you a bad parent or a narcissist to be shocked at your child's poor judgement from time to time.
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Jul 13, 2019 14:00
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teen witch posted:
Thanks 😘 My favorite mom stories that aren't traumatic: - Her and my aunt being blitzed on coke and weed while hosting a Halloween party/sleepover of several 11 year old girls. Party was fun and a hit though, helped me make some friends lmao - Taking me to work with her after hours at the country club to make a gingerbread house with all the supplies they were going to throw away after the rich kids paid to make some and absolutely cursing out her boss in front of like 5 year old me when he threatened to fire her for it.  - Letting me play MK2 with her and her co-workers while they drank and smoked (& did coke in the bathroom probably) & only one of them actually taking it easy on me cause I was a 7 year old child. 😂
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Jul 13, 2019 14:09
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There Bias Two posted:I'd suggest seeking out a therapist to help you process this better. Your feelings are valid, and no amount of money or kindness to your kids can erase the years of abuse he inflicted on you. Nah. I am OK with it. It's just a missed opportunity for him, really. I don't feel like going through all the effort of patching it up and I am glad he's good to all the grandkids now. Drunk Nerds posted:Yeah, mention you need another new sewer line, but it's just a metaphor for processing the poo poo in your memories Oh, let me tell you, it was real. Had a literal poo poo pond in my yard for about a week.
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Jul 13, 2019 14:39
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Some of these people might be having a legit hard time. My aunt never gets to see her nieces and nephew and its no fault of her own, the woman my cousin married is a strange and cruel woman. She's just so mean and never lets her contact them at all and I know that my aunt didn't do anything to deserve it.
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Jul 13, 2019 14:56
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again, read the issendai blog, which has articles on how yes some people abandon others for no reason and/but here's some tips on how to read these posts to tell which people are those and which people are unreliable narrators who can somehow never ever ever tell you anything concrete about anything e: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/which-parents-are-abusive.html InediblePenguin fucked around with this message at 15:23 on Jul 13, 2019 |
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Jul 13, 2019 15:10
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CassandraZara posted:Lol it doesn't make you a bad parent or a narcissist to be shocked at your child's poor judgement from time to time. That does it I ESTRANGE YOU!
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Jul 13, 2019 15:11
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An interesting thing the blog linked in the OP posits is that, while some estranged parents really do have solid reasons why they aren't abusers, those people filter out of the estranged parents forums to more specific groups: estranged parents of drug abusers filter out to support groups for families of drug abusers, etc. So while we can't always be sure an estranged parent is abusive, we can be sure someone who hangs out for a while on an estranged parent forum is abusive, because if their allegations were true they would instead be in a group that focuses more specifically on the exact form of abuse they are suffering
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Jul 13, 2019 15:33
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Its kind of like Incels, if you have a specific issue that isnt "you, holisitically, as a person" youll eventually filter out or be forced out.
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Jul 13, 2019 15:35
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In a way it’s a sort of micro boomer variation on inceldom, you get a bunch of people who focus on some sort of non-specific social lack that is considered part of a normal life they feel entitled too, and it spirals into a group who builds their identity around a false victimhood and denial of their lovely personality as a contributing factor.
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Jul 13, 2019 15:49
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SpaceSDoorGunner posted:In a way it’s a sort of micro boomer variation on inceldom, you get a bunch of people who focus on some sort of non-specific social lack that is considered part of a normal life they feel entitled too, and it spirals into a group who builds their identity around a false victimhood and denial of their lovely personality as a contributing factor.  I’ve never thought about this before, this makes a ton of loving sense.
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Jul 13, 2019 15:56
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It's kind of fascinating(slash-distressing) how many of these people talk about literal children that aren't theirs, too. Like, they desperately want access to their grandchildren, but get incredibly annoyed or offended by age-appropriate behavior like "getting cranky" or "not wanting to hug an unfamiliar person." Maybe we as a society should destigmatize the ownership of of those realistic-looking baby dolls, because they seem much more appropriate for this kind of person than actual living tiny humans.
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Jul 13, 2019 16:29
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tudabee posted:
Yeah that sounds cool, and we should go the extra mile by making virtual worlds where these parents can make virtual kids and live out what ever fantasies they fancy, while containing and analyzing these fukken people.
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Jul 13, 2019 16:52
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Here's a good self-estrangement tale. My mother-in-law goes to a super religious church, we go to a Unitarian heathen church which she has a serious problem with. We never bring up religion with her, and we ignore/deflect the hellfire and brimstone comments in the nicest most polite way possible (guess where our kids our going when they die since they we never baptized!). We always invite them to do fun stuff and encourage them to spend time with the grand-kids. Despite this, they moved to the other side of the country to live near their flaky son who does happen to attend the same church. My wife gets monthly tear filled phone calls from mum about why we are doing this to her and why we are trying to cut her out of our lives  I feel the worst for my father-in-law who is actually cool
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Jul 13, 2019 17:08
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The Dregs posted:I have the opposite problems these kids do. My dad was an abusive, violet, drunken rear end in a top hat growing up. I grew up in constant fear of punishment and caught beatings a couple times a week. The thing is, now he's a sweetheart. Still a drunk, but a nice one. All the grandkids love him. He took my daughters on a cruise. He heard I needed money for a new sewer line in my yard and called me to take care of it. I kinda feel guilty that I still don't want to be close to him, but what can I do? I don't even know how. Same here, though to my dad's credit he wasn't physically violent but he was still emotionally and verbally abusive. Good memories of my sister and I witnessing him being drunk in public stumbling and singing, etc. He also had many of the traits of a covert narcissist. It didn't help that my mother, who came from a very emotionally cold and strict family, was never really good at expressing affection and warmth at least past little kid days. Instead of the warmth and comfort from my mom for my troubles growing up, I was always told to look to God to get that. At a pretty low point as a teen where I could have used the support the most she got angry at me instead saying I had nothing to be sad about. Ever since then as a kid I realized I could never turn to my mom for emotional support. What's worse, I think I was the 'golden child' so my older sister must have definitely had it harder. My parents gave my sister and I everything we needed as far as physical well being goes, including spoiling us from time to time with toys and goods. But they were never really involved in our lives or very good at the emotional labor with us, and it seems both my sister and I are a little stunted in some ways thanks to it. I should note that at one point when we were both between the ages of 5-8 our parents had to leave us with our grandparents for a few years since they were both military and getting deployed to S.Korea. It's weird now, my dad has changed from angry drunken idiot to sad drunken idiot. My parent's have always had a terrible marriage that was barely holding together so they are just two people barely tolerating each other's presence for what seems like our sake. We used to visit them since they were so close, but now my sister barely speaks with them unless it's a holiday where she gives a brief call or she needs someone to watch her dog. I'm in therapy for this but it's still fills me with so many mixed feelings. Wanting to be there with them and be close but at the same time not wanting to.
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Jul 13, 2019 19:11
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BluesShaman posted:I don't think that's how brain chemistry works. A personality disorder is a set of deeply ingrained and maladjusted thinking, beliefs, and coping mechanisms, that are developed as a result of your childhood environments. They're very different from schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, or depression, although they're often comorbid with a few of those particular disorders. That's what makes personality disorders so notoriously difficult to live with (as the person with one, or with someone who has one) and treat--you're not just fighting against brain chemistry, you're also fighting family and personal history, belief systems, coping mechanisms, etc. Home environment is massively influential in every single way for babies and children. Not being touched or held as a baby can literally stunt weight gain and development. Bobbie Wickham fucked around with this message at 20:12 on Jul 13, 2019 |
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Jul 13, 2019 19:33
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Here’s the quote on Reddit about the author who founded the “rejected parents” community from a user claiming to be her Son’s wife. Apparently other people who personally have known the author have left other comments on some of her works that appears on places like yahoo or good housekeeping basically saying the same thing, that she uninvited herself and lied constantly.Sheri’s daughter in law posted:Stumbled upon this thread and THANK GOD. I am “Dans" wife. This book is, sadly for my MIL, fiction, or her twisted view she's come to believe. Thanks to all who have our backs. It can be a lonely road when you feel your entire in law family have ill feelings towards you and their own son..certain family members even referred to me as a succubus bitch, had to Google that one lol..bet thats not in the book. We've tried to fix things multiple times but some people can't move forward for some reason. It was sad to read this book and I honestly felt like we were made to be the villain. I've read so many mean comments about how I must be controlling or want him all to myself, quite the contrary. I'm here to tell you all that I encourage my husband to have a relationship with his family despite their feelings for me; however, my MIL demands some kind of justice that, I feel, can never be fulfilled....and NO ONE WAS UNINVITED TO THE WEDDING and trust me when I say their presence and everyone in their family was greatly missed (we still had an amazing time
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Jul 13, 2019 19:36
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. If anyone knows “Dan” (this feels so dumb) then you know he's kind, loyal and will always love his family. So, we press on and have built a wonderful happy family together and have MANY successful relationships with friends and family. I've toyed with writing our tell all but... I don't want anymore hurt and don't need that kind of negativity in our life. At the end of the day I feel this comes down to my mother in law's pride and feelings of losing control on a situation she could, for once, not control. If this book would have helped her heal then bravo, but by the vicious call he received the other night says otherwise. In the end it's sad that they've estranged us.. we've called, sent emails..heck even my parents tried to reach out to them before the wedding. I'm still sad and don't know why I torture myself reading biased nasty comments about what kind of wife I must be (in actuality “Dan” says I'm top notch and I sing his praises whenever possible). Anyways, I welcome questions 
-Carolyn
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This issentai site sounds like an anime and that's pretty sketchy.
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Jul 13, 2019 19:47
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I think the fuckeduppness for that person bled out in anime
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Jul 13, 2019 19:50
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Colonel Cancer posted:This issentai site sounds like an anime and that's pretty sketchy. i promise the japanese name won't bite you
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Jul 13, 2019 20:30
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Colonel Cancer posted:This issentai site sounds like an anime and that's pretty sketchy. I was thrown off by it, too, but it's anime-free
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Jul 13, 2019 20:51
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if i asked my mother if she loved me, she'd always avoid answering, or say "what do you think". lol, very healthy for a child. i also got the piss beaten out of me on the regular. but why don't i want to staaayyyyy? i don't want to imagine the kind of person i'd be if my father wasn't around when i was young. he died early and she became an even worse person without him to balance it out
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Jul 13, 2019 21:04
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My mother and I were estranged when she died and I still don't regret it, 14 years later.
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Jul 13, 2019 21:06
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what always struck me (other than her fists) is just how loving bored she was of me. if you haven't been there, it's hard to describe just how awful it feels
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Jul 13, 2019 21:08
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Colonel Cancer posted:This issentai site sounds like an anime and that's pretty sketchy. Yeah I don’t understand why some random anime site keeps being linked as the ultimate authority on estrangement but here we are. I guess after you’re done reading about estrangement you can check out the jrpg reviews or read about how to make “Miso Soup for the Otaku Soul”.
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Jul 13, 2019 21:19
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Pawn 17 posted:Yeah I don’t understand why some random anime site keeps being linked as the ultimate authority on estrangement but here we are. I guess after you’re done reading about estrangement you can check out the jrpg reviews or read about how to make “Miso Soup for the Otaku Soul”. It is not an ultimate authority, but it is one source instead of many that is comprehensive and also explains the data that was used. To be clear, Issendai is a content expert on that particular internet forum we are mining from, not on the phenomenon of estranged parenthood. I’d also be super interested in complicating or contradicting what that one person says with evidence from the forum. But maybe not just because of the website name?
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Jul 13, 2019 21:26
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i'm sorry japanese words give you guys the screaming willies. doesn't invalidate anything they've researched, though
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Jul 13, 2019 21:34
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Pawn 17 posted:Yeah I don’t understand why some random anime site keeps being linked as the ultimate authority on estrangement but here we are. I guess after you’re done reading about estrangement you can check out the jrpg reviews or read about how to make “Miso Soup for the Otaku Soul”. The site has literally nothing to do with anime
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Jul 13, 2019 21:38
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SpaceSDoorGunner posted:The site has literally nothing to do with anime A low rumble emerges from the distance, growing ever louder, birds flee from their perches, small mammals scurry away, a mighty, deafening whoosh sounds from overhead. SpaceSDoorGunner looks up, but sees nothing.
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Jul 13, 2019 21:50
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Jul 13, 2019 21:54
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IDK why we're having this conversation on a dead gay comedy forum but I guess after we're done we can go read threads about anime and Star Trek
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Jul 13, 2019 21:55
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InediblePenguin posted:IDK why we're having this conversation on a dead gay comedy forum but I guess after we're done we can go read threads about anime and Star Trek This dead gay forum was always about examining human misery and the weird ways it manifests itself on the internet. This thread is like a cross between the /r/relationships thread and the boomer thread.
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Jul 13, 2019 22:05
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A Progression:quote:Your post was so very sad, and it could have been one of mine! My son, too, told me and his father that he loves us, but he feels he must stand by his wife (who is toxic, and we believe narcissistic) because he now has the responsibility of being not just a husband, but a father, too. Unfortunately, he has participated along with his wife in using their daughter as a weapon to get me to continue taking his wife’s abuse. I refuse to do that, so consequently, I haven’t seen my only GD in six months. I had a suspicion, after reading this, that something had happened between the grandmother and the granddaughter precipitating the "estrangement" and control by the daughter-in-law. You tell me what you think: quote:Hello Dear Swoosh in response to a thread called "it didn't start with you" posted:Hi All, quote:
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quote:Hello to all. My husband and I were away for a couple of days, so I am just getting to this post now. I was thinking about starting a Mothers’ Day post, I am glad it’s already here. quote:Hello to all the wonderful, compassionate women in this forum. I tried to escape Mothers’ Day by taking a trip (alone) to see a very close friend who recently moved to another state. And although we enjoyed a great time together, Mothers’ Day loomed ever present over my head. I got back from my trip yesterday to yet more estrangement trauma. Custodial Account Vs. Guardian Account posted:Custodial accounts and guardian accounts both involve handling finances for those who are not able to manage their own money, but they fall under different legal guidelines and have separate purposes. Custodial accounts are investment accounts for children, and guardian accounts are for those who need help with their financial transactions due to a disability. Gee, I wonder why your son who you all but call a retard in 80% of your posts would be offended by this? As for everyone living together: I speculate that they are in fact not very well off, in part because the son has had to cut off his parents. Son, shockingly, actually likes his in laws, and his inlaws help take care of the child. The living together is a temporary situation saving money for something better, but NarGram will never know that because no one wants her to know anything.
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Jul 13, 2019 22:44
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MasBrillante posted:Stuff Finding the smoking gun in these is kind of delightful, it's like solving a murder mystery. I didn't see it at all in your bolded posts, then you mentioned she thinks her kid is super slow, and the clues are all there: - Gives gift that offends daughter-in-law, but doesn't say what the gift is - Mentions son was in special education and this caused him a lot of strife - Gift turns out to be $500 in a fund that is specifically made for people who are too disabled to do their own banking Well sleuted
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Jul 14, 2019 01:44
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I've got mommy issues. A whole mommy subscription, even.
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Jul 14, 2019 01:47
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It's really super weird how they all use the word "enmeshed" to describe someone getting along well with their family.
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Jul 14, 2019 02:06
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Drunk Nerds posted:Finding the smoking gun in these is kind of delightful, it's like solving a murder mystery. I didn't see it at all in your bolded posts, then you mentioned she thinks her kid is super slow, and the clues are all there: My day job involves close reading. At night I use my powers for Pettiness. Edit: their last post, thus far posted:Dearest BeHere4Me MasBrillante fucked around with this message at 03:22 on Jul 14, 2019 |
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Jul 14, 2019 03:15
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I kind of assumed the couple who moved in with their parents even though they had their own condo that sat empty for months, that there was complications with the pregnancy. It would be typical of an NPD to see that and view it as a privilege for the daughter's parents that the NPD is being unfairly denied. A recurring theme with NPD parents of a husband is not understanding that his wife is much more comfortable with her own parents when it comes to health/body issues. NPDs view that comfort/preference as a slight as well.
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Jul 14, 2019 03:20
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SweetWillyRollbar posted:It's really super weird how they all use the word "enmeshed" to describe someone getting along well with their family. it's like when people say that having boundaries which cut them out of your life is abusive, or even "so much for the tolerant left" -- they learned a word that means a thing is bad, and how to turn it on their enemies even though it only fits because they misunderstand (or forcibly twist) the term's meaning
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Jul 14, 2019 03:21
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LabyaMynora posted:I kind of assumed the couple who moved in with their parents even though they had their own condo that sat empty for months, that there was complications with the pregnancy. The way she also keeps calling the family a cult makes me think there are ethnic or cultural overtures in how she is reacting to the family. It’s common for racists to view certain groups as hyperfertile and bent on subsuming “true American culture.” Op emphasizes being a child of Italian immigrants at a time where assimilation was a point of pride. I’m MUCH less confident about this conclusion but my suspicion is that she thinks her grandchild is being groomed to hate her by cultural interlopers. Also lol that no one wants to eat her toxic hate food that is probably made with contempt and mayonnaise.
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Jul 14, 2019 03:27
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