InediblePenguin posted:

it's like when people say that having boundaries which cut them out of your life is abusive, or even "so much for the tolerant left" -- they learned a word that means a thing is bad, and how to turn it on their enemies even though it only fits because they misunderstand (or forcibly twist) the term's meaning

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

It's really super weird how they all use the word "enmeshed" to describe someone getting along well with their family.

SpaceSDoorGunner posted:

Here’s the quote on Reddit about the author who founded the “rejected parents” community from a user claiming to be her Son’s wife. Apparently other people who personally have known the author have left other comments on some of her works

Sleeveless posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM-e46xdcUo

teen witch posted:

This is it, this is the thread video.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for confronting my stepdaughter about the way she treats my wife?

I started dating my now wife when my stepdaughter (SD) was 13. She was an unruly child who constantly cried and whined and lashed out for attention. My wife couldn't take SD's crap anymore so she kicked her out when she was 14. SD moved in with her father, who's a jerk to me and my wife but he did a good job disciplining SD. He had turned her into a nice, quiet and obedient child.

SD continued to behave and treat us with respect until she moved to another city when she was 24. She stopped coming home for holidays. My wife was devastated, but she understood that SD needed to have a life of her own.

SD is 28 now, and the angry emails started coming 2 years ago. They're incoherent rant-filled emails with all kinds of outlandish accusations toward my wife. Lots of accusations of neglect and abuse being thrown around. More accusations of favoring her siblings over her. My wife tried to justify herself in the beginning but it only made SD angrier, so my wife decided to ignore these emails altogether. Every time my wife gets one of these nasty emails, she breaks down crying. She has had to call off work to recoup from the pain of reading these emails. I've spent countless hours comforting my wife and telling her that she was not the problem and SD just needed therapy to deal with her own issues instead of taking them out on my wife.

My wife has another daughter who's SD's younger sister. Honestly, she's much nicer and gets along with my wife. She goes to my wife every time she has a problem and my wife helps her out. She treats my wife with respect and there's nothing but love between the two of them. They have an excellent mother-daughter relationship. SD has always been very jealous of her sister, and she resents the wonderful relationship her mother and sister have.

Last November, SD's younger sister found out she was pregnant, and the baby's father skipped out on her. Of course, she came to my wife for comfort. We offered to let her move in with us until she got back on her feet. SD found out what happened and she flipped out. My wife got yet another angry email. SD accused her always making time for her younger sister and not her. My wife was stressed out about the pregnancy so she ignored SD's email. I read it and decided that enough was enough. I emailed SD. Told her to stop living in the past and if she treated her mother better, she'd have a relationship with her like her younger sister does.

Of course SD got pissed off. She sent everyone in the family a goodbye letter and cut all of us out of her life. My wife is devastated and they're all blaming me for driving her away. I thought that she was just bluffing for attention, but it's been 8 months and none of us have heard a peep from her. I still think I did the right thing by putting her in her place. She probably felt that no one would take her crap anymore so she fled. But I still feel bad for driving a bigger wedge between her and her mother. AITA?

OMFG FURRY posted:

https://mental-health-matters.com/talking-to-a-narcissist-the-weapon-of-language/

it's a tiny view into how they view the world. there is only 'us' and 'them'. if someone they know is getting along with others, they are becoming something they cannot comprehend, and thus a sort of hive mind. at the same time, those that are under their sway are 'normal' and 'well behaved' because they bend to the Narcs demands and worldview.

MasBrillante posted:

A crosspost from the r/relationships thread:

Sleeveless posted:

One thing that kills me about the people mocking the people on these sites is that they shorten "narcissist" to "N" even though when most sane and well adjusted hear someone say "the N word" they assume it's referring to a racial epithet and not an overused piece of armchair psychology. This leads to some frankly hilarious turns of phrase for anyone who isn't so lacking in empathy with regards to their choice of specialized language.

Sleeveless posted:

One thing that kills me about the people mocking the people on these sites is that they shorten "narcissist" to "N" even though when most sane and well adjusted hear someone say "the N word" they assume it's referring to a racial epithet and not an overused piece of armchair psychology. This leads to some frankly hilarious turns of phrase for anyone who isn't so lacking in empathy with regards to their choice of specialized language.

Drunk Nerds posted:

I mean, let's assume that this narrative is totally accurate. It still reads as "my stepdaughter was a jerk whom I want out of my life, but now that she's cut herself from our lives I resent her for that"

Sleeveless posted:

One thing that kills me about the people mocking the people on these sites is that they shorten "narcissist" to "N" even though when most sane and well adjusted hear someone say "the N word" they assume it's referring to a racial epithet and not an overused piece of armchair psychology. This leads to some frankly hilarious turns of phrase for anyone who isn't so lacking in empathy with regards to their choice of specialized language.

MasBrillante posted:

I feel a jolt every time I read N as a prefix to be quite honest.

Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

quote:

When my 18-year-old left suddenly I knew I was going to be a mess. I reached out trying to find something to help me get through the initial shock and help me figure out how to go on. I found Sheri’s book and this website and introduced myself. But I never told you the full story.
Yes, my daughter who I did everything for and gave everything to left. And she did something horrible to me before she left. Something to make sure I would never trust her again.
But the story goes back many, many years. I have five children.
I will preface this by saying that I was married twice while raising the first four. Both were terrible fathers. I have been alone for the last 22 years.
The oldest is in her 40’s. She was a cold teen and always in trouble. Finally, the school had her put into a group home where she failed there, too. As she got older, and pregnant, I tried to help. For many years we had our ups and downs. I was always there to bail her out – provided money, even to keep her out of jail – watched the children, even had one of them live with me for a while. It was all about what I could do for her. The kids didn’t even want to be around me unless I was doing something for them. I was rarely invited to their birthday parties. Christmas meant they came over and opened gifts and then were in a hurry to leave. About six years ago I had enough. One day I told her that I was tired of the drama and needed a break for a while. I never heard from her again. And honestly, never wanted to pick up the phone to jump back into that mess.
My next child lives on the other side of the world. I rarely talk to him and I always have to make the first move. And if I do talk to him all I hear is his narcissistic attitude.
My middle son and I were very close his whole life – a lot like my youngest. I didn’t think he’d ever leave, but decided to join the military when he was 20. That changed him a lot – including his time in a war zone – but when he came back we were just as close. Over the years we had our ups and downs and then four years ago last month we had our last phone call. He was living in another state and was involved with a pregnant married woman. Of course he didn’t see anything wrong with that and came up with all the reasons why it was okay. She had the baby and he was going to be coming up to visit over Thanksgiving – just him. Rather than have a problem face to face I told him on the phone that I didn’t want to spend the visit hearing about her. And that was it – he hung up. I still deal with a lot of pain from that. I look back and realize that every time I disagreed with anything he did he would shut me out. And I would have to be the one to initiate contact again. This time I don’t even know where he is.
My next child was diagnosed with diabetes at 11. When he was 12 he had several bad seizures and was never really the same. He became very cold and distant. He would tell me that when he turned 18 I would never see him again. And when he turned 18… he left. I think he’s somewhere in the Midwest but don’t know where.
None of my children were or are close to each other. They all wanted to be the prince or princess.
So that brings me to my youngest. My “old age” child if you will. The happy surprise in my life. Her father didn’t want her, but I was so happy to have her. I believed she was another chance for me. I did everything I could including homeschooling her while running a business. Then, several months ago she started to change. She got involved with someone and eventually left – after doing something terrible on her way out. The pain brought back every moment of the past. And she knew it would.

quote:

I sit here in the evening searching for my children on line. I come very close to trying to contact them and then pull back knowing that they don’t want to hear from me. They have moved – have new email and phone numbers, but mine is still the same. So they don’t have any issues with contacting me. They just don’t.

I want to contact my son and tell him that his sister has left – and is probably in trouble based on what is going on with this person in her life. She’s only 18 – the person involved is 23, transgender female (which I don’t care how people live as long as they don’t hurt others). There was a time when she and her brother were very close, but that ended four years ago. Honestly they are both very much the same – totally involved with themselves and their own gratification.

I haven’t heard from my ES in over four years now. He and I were probably closer than any of my other children. He’s 35 now and I really miss him. I miss the “family” that the three of us had for many years.

And now I am scared for my daughter. She left here two months ago in the middle of the night. She won’t communicate with me and I don’t really know where she is (I can text her because I still pay for the phone, but she never responds). She left having over $2000 in the bank but it’s almost all gone now. I’m worried that this person has complete control of her – she has no money, no car, and other than his family, is totally alone. And if his parents are responsible people, why wouldn’t they let me know that she is safe – for gods sake she’s only 18!

Someone out there tell me not to contact my son. I really want to – somewhere inside me I think that he can help, but that’s my heart talking. My head says that I’ve lost them all 😪
But then I think about my ED safety and wonder if I should do everything possible.

quote:

Well, I didn’t really think it could get any worse and I was wrong.

Without going through the whole story – I have five children and have strained or no relationship with all of them. My youngest who was very close to me (I thought) left in the middle of the night on December 7th. She is 18 ˝ years old, but was homeschooled, started college at 15 and graduated with two degrees this past December.

She met an employee 5 years older than her in October and left with that person in December.

She contacted me to have someone pick up some more of her things that following week, but after than I heard nothing from her. I emailed her a couple of times and texted her (after all I was paying for the phone), but no response. FYI…. The phone was turned off today after I received the order.

I started getting worried last week as my brain shifted to “what if something is really wrong”, so I texted her and asked her to “please let me know that you are okay”. And I added that if I don’t get a response, I’m going to assume something is wrong and try to find you.

Well…. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. As I was served an order of protection today.

After all the tears and repeatedly saying to myself “I don’t know what to do”, I started to put things together.

Now let me add that what she put in this order is outrageous! The lies! You couldn’t even say that was her interpretation! And I have hard evidence to the contrary.

And now here’s my thinking… I live in a state where a child can petition the court for support until they are 21 years old. If she did that, it would be thrown out simply by me saying that she could come home. However, if there is an order of protection, she can’t come home, and I would have to support her. And I think that’s what her “friend” wants. Granted that’s my “worst case scenario” thinking. But that’s what kids here do.

So, I’m spending the day tomorrow putting together all of the dates and activities that she did over the years. Oh, I was accused of homeschooling her to keep her away from people.

I already have four individuals who will give me character references. People that I work with that saw her throughout her childhood and saw the relationship we had. And I’m going to get more. I’m going to provide so much to that judge that he’ll want to tear the thing up. Oh, and one is from my oldest daughter. We started talking again and also couldn’t believe what was done.

And although I’m now in a fighting mode – I will not let this destroy me – I am so broken hearted that she would ever consider saying those things about me.

The up side is that I’m talking with my oldest again. Looks like a lot of things have changed in both our lives. I even talked to my 14 year old grandson on the phone and he said he can’t wait to see me – they are coming over in a couple days.

My oldest said she wasn’t really surprised. She knew that her sister never wanted them around as she wanted to be the sole focus in my life – the “princess”. None of my children like the others and it always made things stressful when more than one was around. And as I’m stepping back things are getting clearer.

quote:

I saw my attorney today. He said at first glance he sees this as “a spoiled rotten brat.”

quote:

Anyway, the order of protection is full of lies. I homeschooled her and she was in college by 15 – just graduated in December. She accused me of every kind of child abuse possible – for her entire life! And many, many other things that can be easily disproven. In fact my oldest (42) even wrote a letter to the court stating that these were lies.

quote:

yes, it is going to cost me thousands, but I will not let her get away with this. And… I had bought her a car a year and a half ago – $15,000. Still in my name. She left it here when she moved out. So… I’m selling it this week for legal funds.

quote:

Had a court appearance today and I had an attorney at my side.
My daughter was there with her “friend” who clearly is controlling her – just by the body language.

She’s pushing this all the way. Asked for a free attorney, said that everything she put in the order was true, and they scheduled a hearing for March 19th. And they did a new order of protection because the other was only good until today.

So, I had to sit outside the courtroom and wait to be “served” the new order there. I sat there and sobbed. I just don’t understand. She left almost three months ago and all I did was ask her to let me know if she was okay – and I texted her on the phone I was paying for!

My oldest daughter has been with me through all of this and has been a tremendous support. I made the mistake of contacting my middle son who was so close to both of us until he estranged 4 ˝ years ago. I asked him if he would testify for me since he knows what she is saying isn’t true. He texted back “no” and that he’s too busy. Wow! Although I guess I needed that. He’s being run by the woman in his life and she doesn’t like me.

I’m a total wreck at the moment but have spent the last several hours starting to put together a photo album of her life and how happy she really was. Not sure if I mentioned before, but she’s claiming abuse her entire life.

Oh, and I’ve found several letters she’s written to me in the last few years thanking me for the great childhood she had. Amazing how quickly they can forget when someone comes in and brainwashes them.

I could just give up and let her get the order, but it’s lies. And it could affect my business. Also, my attorney thinks that she’ll try to trap me and get me arrested. And if I give up, in the state I live in, she could come after me for child support until she’s 21.

I feel so abused!

I see my therapist tomorrow and I know that will help some. Right now I can barely type as I’m shaking so badly.

I do want to thank everyone here for your kind words and support. I wish I could tell you that it’s over, but it’s not.

Some people have commented on different posts that they wished they hadn’t had their children. My daughter was the light of my life for 18 ˝ years and we had so many wonderful memories… however, I would give up all the memories if I had known I would be in this situation. The memories are no good now anyway.

quote:

First I want to thank everyone for your support through this horrible time. In consultation with my attorney we decided to agree to the 1-year order that makes me stay away from her. Honestly, I never want to see her again, so that was no big deal.

In exchange she agreed to remove all of the horrible allegations. In other words, she gets what she wanted (me leaving her alone) but there is no fault on my end – I did nothing wrong. And she can’t get child support from me because again, I did nothing wrong and she agreed that was true. (I live in a state that can make you pay child support to them until they are 21.)

Interesting that you can get an order of protection for no other reason than you want one. We live in a crazy world!

quote:

She could still try to go after support, but has nothing to stand on now. She left and I did nothing to make her leave – the courts will consider that as abandoning her home and parent. Of course there will be more attorney fees for me. Her friend (I refer to this individual because their sexuality is in flux) is five years older than her and an employee of the college she attended. I believe that the individual found someone who was accepting of them and grabbed hold. And then took away everything that was my daughters – her family, her future. And old enough to know how to do it.

quote:

I need some input – or advice – or maybe just someone telling me it’s okay.

Some of you know what I went through recently with my daughter and the court case. I agreed to a 1 year stay away order as long as she agreed that I never did anything wrong. Basically, one more time, she got her own way, but she wasn’t allowed to slander and lie about me or her childhood.

Well, after living in the same home for almost 24 years (the only home my daughter ever knew), I’m moving. I found another place with mostly seniors – my own home, but lots of activities in the community. I’ll be moving there in a couple weeks and then getting my current home ready to sell. Decided to leave with no forwarding address. New life for me, the dog, cat, and birds.

I have a very large home. My daughter had an entire floor (almost 1000 square feet) and LOTS of stuff. Additionally, there are more of her things in her “childhood” bedroom and that closet.

I can’t take everything with me. And I’m not allowed to contact her.

I’ve been going through everything and have tried to figure out the best thing to do. I thought about renting a storage unit – but do I want to pay to have things stored for a year and then who knows if I can even find her and if she’d want anything after that. I think about the value of the memories attached to these things and I wonder if I’m the only one who places value on these items. Some things that in the past she said were so special…

At this point I’ve decided that I will take one closet in my new house and fill it up with boxes of her stuff. Only those things that I think would be the most valuable to her someday – memories not monetary value. But even then I will need to get rid of a LOT of things.

I look at things that I bought for her and she loved at the time. The times and the great memories that we shared back then. I cry about the loss of what we had. But in the end, am I the only one who cares about any of this?

There are furniture pieces that were hers… things I don’t want, and I can’t take with me. I’ll sell them at a yard sale, but feel like I’m stealing something that isn’t mine (although I paid for everything). And then there are the musical instruments. Two guitars and a keyboard. And a bowling ball that her brother had specially made for her when she was 10 years old. A huge amount of martial arts equipment. There are machines for arts and crafts, game systems, and so much I can’t even list.

I’ve already given away a lot of things that I didn’t think would matter. My 14 year old grandson was here today, and I gave him a ton of art supplies – many still in packages – several boxes full. He was so excited, so that left me feeling good about letting those things go.

I’m just looking for thoughts from the kindred souls here….

quote:

I also texted my ES. Only because there are thousands of dollars in Lego here

quote:

I don’t know if she’ll ever get anything back, but for now this is about me.

quote:

I agree with you – there is a line that you don’t cross, and she did. I don’t believe that you can come back from some things. I believe that sometime in her life she will regret this. A relationship at 18 with someone who is 23… hmm… I don’t see that lasting. And then maybe she’ll realize what she did. But it won’t change things for me. I totally understand when you say you are afraid. The night she left she let police in my home – at 12:15am. I woke up to them coming up the stairs to my bedroom. I had been asleep for 2 ˝ hours. She took that time to move out, call her friend for a ride, and then called the police and told them I took a bottle of pills. That was insane! And scared me so much! Obviously, the police realized what was going on and left. My attorney said she did it so that she wouldn’t have to talk to me when she was leaving. It was a line that was crossed then, but I was still concerned about her. And though I may still be concerned about her – I believe she is in an abusive relationship – I will NEVER trust her, and can’t imagine ever allowing her in the same room.

quote:

I am so sorry. I do know a little of what you are going through. It is a living nightmare not knowing where she is or if she is safe. I went through a similar situation with my ED at cutoff #1 when she ran off at 16 with her boyfriend who was 18 and was here illegally with his family from Mexico and was always badmouthing America and talking about leaving this “horrible country”.

My ED took off with him one day, out of the blue, right after we spent over $1,000 remodeling her bedroom, with no argument or anything to trigger it. We had Police looking for her and she was on the national database for missing and endangered children. We put posters up all over our state. I was so worried that he took her to Mexico and that she was being used as a sex slave there.

Anyway, after nearly a year of this living nightmare, she finally decided to make contact with me and wanted to come back home. She had been safe, living with his family in another state that whole time.

THOT PATROL posted:

I absolutely had to know more about the backstory on this one, and now unfortunately you all do too

oh, and we finally get to find out what the deal was w/that original HORRIBLE BETRAYAL by the daughter was when she was leaving the house, although it's kinda anticlimactic:

and finally, just in case anyone is still under the faintest impression that there might be reasonable, not-racist humans posting on those forums, here's the very first response to one of her threads:

MasBrillante posted:

My day job involves close reading. At night I use my powers for Pettiness.

Mokelumne Trekka posted:

I have a morbid fascination with parents using their will as a form of control. Often I see the power of money overrule the parents' abusive bullshit, so the kids stuck around, and it's sad. Honestly it's hard to say what I would do. Put up with toxicity for another decade or two or three, then get an inheritance? Oof.

The white bourgeoisie world is FUBAR

Slaan posted:

Great decision, I'm no longer depressed and anxiety ridden 24/7 after estranging myself from their bs. Instead my wife's weird but loving family has shown me what I should have had as a kid

Moridin920 posted:

I don't think they can make you do poo poo and creditors just have to write it off on their taxes but I'm not a lawyer.

LabyaMynora posted:

I'm not worried about my father's MANY debts. Anyone who comes to me for that is just going to get laughed at.

I'm worried specifically about the state coming at me for the disposal of his body. I'm not throwing him a funeral, I'm not attending any such thing, and I sure as poo poo don't want to pay for whatever the state does with his unclaimed body.

Also, the aunts and uncles I mentioned who might take care of it, I forgot to add they're estranged from him as well. But like I said, they might pony up and take care of it 'cuz Catholicism and poo poo.

Moridin920 posted:

I am pretty sure all you have to do is sign a release form for the county coroner's office but again not a lawyer. You'll have to pay them if you want the ashes but otherwise that's all.

a mysterious cloak posted:

They can't compel you to do anything for him. Eventually he goes to a city/county burial site for unclaimed bodies.

InediblePenguin posted:

IDK why we're having this conversation on a dead gay comedy forum but I guess after we're done we can go read threads about anime and Star Trek

quote:

I have to say that reading the above posts make me realize we are not alone. Our relationship with our son has been up and down for over 10 years. We have contact, then are cut off, contacted again and cut off again. Never invited to his first wedding, only learned of anything when he was getting divorced. When we see him it always is hard to deal with. He is sullen, non communicative, at times abusive and makes us feel as if we did something to him despite being very good parents. We have been very generous to him paying for a lovely home for him, making needed repairs when bought, then more repairs recently. Additionally, we have voluntarily offered to pay for dental, medical and car loans all in hopes that we would be treated nicely. We used to gift him the maximum allowed under the tax law every year but upon learning that he had squandered hundreds of thousands of dollars left to him by his grandfather, we stopped that as the money was simply being wasted on not sure what as he cannot account for where all the money and I do mean a large sum went. The latest episode began when he called one day in the fall saying he bought airline tickets and he has wife and infant were headed our way. He quoted the price he paid and unlike in past experiences when he called, I did not offer to pay for them. I simply said, ok. We were thrilled and I planned nice meals, bought things the baby and was truly looking forward to a nice family get together. When they arrived, he snuck off, bought beer and drank it so that he became obnoxious with talk that could only be considered crazy. We learned that after stopping drinking for about a year that he had once again taken to drinking 4-5 cans of beer every nite. In addition, he smoked at our home which we find distasteful especially since he is a new father. I stated my feelings that drinking excessively and smoking are not good for anyone especially a new father with a child to consider. When he was drunk he spoke about quitting his job and taking a menial job that he was not suited for which he said would be “fun.” And I guess I should not have said that someone with an advanced degree from a prestigious school would be embarrassing himself and his family by taking such a menial job that would fit someone without any skills or education. Yes, I said that and probably should not have in retrospect but it was simply crazy drunken talk and if he intended to push my buttons he certainly did so well. His wife agreed with me on all points I thought all was well. Not quite as during their stay there were complaints about the home cooked meals I had prepared, about the fact that the stay was not “exciting enough” and that they had expected more in the way of a vacation rather than being “stuck” in the house with us. We loved seeing our grandchild but truly were not happy with him or his behavior. When we dropped them off the airport we were both relieved- not a word of thanks for all we did simply a walk away. He has not been heard from since and it really upset both my husband and I. We are quite well off, have no one else in the world in terms of family and he stands to inherit a large sum of money- but as it stands, I question if he deserves anything at all? I like the idea of MJmom with the letter and the requirements and love animals so that her idea sounds great to me. I am regretting speaking my mind and wonder if I should try and apologize but then again I do not think excessive drinking are good so I cannot say I take it back, get drunk and smoke every night. Any advice?