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Double lion, who comes from the sky, who judges destruction of food.
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Jul 15, 2019 16:46
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thanks for the crit flerp
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Jul 15, 2019 16:58
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Thanks flerp!
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Jul 15, 2019 17:36
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 eeey we will be doing a takeover for the Thunderdome new year next week, so if all goes as planned the winner of this week will judge the week after the next one Also I'm in with: Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 07:51 on Jul 18, 2019 |
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Jul 15, 2019 19:29
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week 362 crits Saucy_Rodent [12:57 AM] flerp: my low low end is saucy [12:57 AM] Tyrannosaurus: i love saucy [12:57 AM] flerp: yeah i know Pandering (like nepotism) only upsets me when it isn't being done to my benefit. And for some dumb reason your dumb writing just tickles me pink. Now, I do think you were remiss in submitting so early because some of your jokes don’t quite hit. Dirk Blazeblazer? Great. USS Spaceship? Excellent. Sir Flippington the Excessively British Genetically Engineered Dolphin? I’d suggest something more like Sir Flippington “Flip” Dolphin, who was both excessively british and a dolphin. Octogenarian's scrotum is crude, low hanging fruit -- go surreal and give me something to really ponder how it would look mixed with the Creature from the Black Lagoon (a copy machine, a helium balloon, a grumpy police chief going through his second divorce) or go full ham on the crude and just straight up use rear end for the description since you’re making a Gorl-rear end joke in a second anyway. The weakest part of this story is Rosa Flores. The in-joke bit falls flat for me for obvious reasons. And her going to hell is weak place to end on. The sharks, freed from gravity, eating everyone is delightful (just like you are). Exmond You talk about bad characters not being born bad/not wanting to be bad twice in short succession and it’s unnecessary. Really, you could do a big reformat of the whole first section and it would read a lot better. This is pretty enjoyable for what it’s worth. It has a nice sorrowful vibe. It would have been a cherry, though, if you could have had Rosa slip in one poignant line about writing or art that the narrator can’t see/understand/appreciate because he, too, is rather one dimensional. Doctor Zero I like that you did something inventive with the setting based on the prompt -- I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re unique here. I see what you’re doing with the repeating words at the beginning and ending of each section and it doesn’t really work. You need to find something else, formating wise. It doesn’t read well in its current form. Makes it hard to follow what’s happening and you’re already throwing a lot of characters at me. Crimea You could cut bubbling and groaning and you have a much better sentence. Okay, second paragraph, so I can see what you’re trying to do with the long sentences but you need to be a little more decisive because unnecessarily lengthening things does you no favors. “Hailing from as far as County Durham” works just as well and “immediately local” is distracting anyway. But I’m not sure the Country Durham line really works that great either because you immediately follow it up with Rosa coming in from overseas. Uhhh… you know what, that’s just a general note for the whole story. There is a lot of carelessness that would have been avoided if you’d just, like, taken a day to sit on this and then revist it. I’m almost mad at this because you have some really great stuff that you’ve hidden under excessive wordiness. Sparksbloom This was the kind of thing I was hoping to read. I just wish you had more words. This feels like we’re about 600-800 shy of the real ending. So many interesting things left open and unexplored. The ska question was excellent. The “they got her” bit was a little clunky and could be reworked. On a week with a longer word count, this might have won. Sitting Here Just such a fabulously creative concept. Unlike the other meta stuff I’ve read so far, you could remove this from thunderdome and it would still stand alone as a concept and as a story. Inside, it’s sprinkled with easter eggs and callbacks. Well crafted -- though the ending is a little abrupt. I don’t like the title. Djeser Solid use of second person. Good foreshadowing. I “got it” right where I was supposed to -- which is, like, one of my favorite things. It’s so difficult to pull off, too. Have your reader realize the reveal a split second before it’s officially made. I like that there wasn’t any bullshit about the existance of werewolves just a “ah gently caress i gotta take care of a body” sort of thing -- that was fun. I wish you’d been a little more vague with your ending -- it almost ruins the piece for me. I already know what’s coming. Let me imagine the horror. Getsuya You should revisit your beginning. Because this is a kinda dumb idea that gets really, really interesting by the end. You spend too much time early on finding your footing, though. Waste of words. Which is especially a shame because you leave me wanting more. I enjoyed when you brought in the special guests. The reason she can’t escape is pretty good, too. Pham Nuwen What a coincidence. I also hate puns. Pepe Silvia Browne If you’re gonna capitalize Their’s you should do the same for Our World. I don’t have any particularly detailed crits here. Descriptions are fine. Dialogue is fine. But you end on a cliffhanger and nothing is resolved. Nothing really has changed for anything of the characters either (arc wise). Things are just revealed and then it’s the end. That’s not really a story, now is it? Siddhartha Glutamate I like your title. You used doctor’s bag twice in the same sentence -- you should try to avoid that sort of thing. Makes things clunky. “It” would have sufficed the second time. Switching from third person to first person was a bad choice -- perhaps in a longer piece it might have worked but here you never had enough time to really develop either. It was just confusing. The begging was a waste of words, words you could have spent telling me who the Cavendish’s were or what the contract was or why I should care. Be more deliberate with what you choose to focus on. Thranguy Best opener so far. I’m invested. Hmm.. I don’t particularly love the introduction bit but it breaks up your ghost talk in an effective way. Is there something better that could be there instead? If you remove it entirely, the two sections are a little repetitive. Split up, they’re both really good and I like them. Ah I wasn’t expected the audience address -- well done. Good twist to have it be the son. Excellent take on the prompt -- exactly the sort of thing I was hoping for (as fun as meta might be). Antivehicular I love the concept. “One of the first to be human enough” is an amazing line. I think your dialogue is off. Something about it throws me -- it’s just so different from the rest of your piece. Surprisingly informal? Inappropriate? I’m not sure exactly how to describe it. It feels mashed together, though. Ending line is nice. Mr Steak When I saw you sign up and toxx I was pretty hell yeah about it. Now I feel like I watched a drunk guy stand up on a table, yell for people’s attention, and then throw up on himself. Why? Sebmojo Nice little turn from celebration to gently caress youuuu. I don’t have much else to say because this is like 400 words. You sure did submit something! Something you wrote! Anomalous Blowout Man, a little more time and this was probably the winner. This is good but it just feels slapdash. Especially the ending. It comes about suddenly. Too suddenly. It’s cool. But it feels like you either a) had an ending before you knew how to get there and just smashed it together at crunch time b) had no idea how you were going to end it, came up with something cool, realized you hadn’t really built towards it, and said gently caress it. Either way, a little more cohesion would have served you well. Chili I had to reread your opening sentence like five times because it’s confusing. And I don’t like it when I’m told something like “this is no ordinary day.” For me, imho, that is implicit already. Why would you make me read an ordinary day? I know it’s stylistic or whatever but I don’t like it. This story is disjointed. We have this cool buzzy police opener. Then we have this somber ghost/missing girl conversation. Both are good. They don’t quite fit together as is.
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Jul 15, 2019 19:35
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Thanks bud
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Jul 15, 2019 19:40
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gently caress it, in with  because I skipped the really excellent prompt last week
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Jul 15, 2019 19:55
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in with eater of entrails/house of thirty/perjury
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Jul 15, 2019 20:22
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Week 362 judge crits A Ship in Space: the Spaceship Chronicles: Chapter One: Space by Saucy Rodent This is a low-effort joke story, and is not particularly funny. Having banged this out, I think you should have put it aside for a day, then come back to it and done another version using the elements that worked (I quite liked the image of sharks floating around the spaceship, for example) and re-working the ones that didn't (“let's go gently caress hot biddies” is kinda bland as a motivation for your space heros). The whole thing about Rosa Flores being an in-joke kills the story. 4/10 Death of a Character by Exmond Exmond, are you calling us slugs? Why would you do that, Exmond, why? Ok ok, what actually is this. Let’s try and summarise the plot. Here we go: An unnamed protag is released from jail and told to go kill Rosa Flores. The protag choses to accept because the alternative is farming poo poo-slugs, which one assumes must be very bad if committing murder is preferable. The story takes place in a city with an ivory tower, but we are given no other information about the setting. The protag finds Rosa in the hall of backstories, they fight, and the protag shoots her. Then the protag drives Rosa to a walled area called the Thunderdome. They observe some other people fishing through slug poo for a while, then Rosa falls off the wall and dies. Along the way the narrator waxes lyrical about how bad characters don’t mean to be bad but intentions don’t matter, or something. At the end we find out the city is called Meta Noir York City, which also doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t know what your intention was in writing this, but as you correctly and repeatedly point out, you intention doesn’t matter. My job here is just to tell you if I thought your words were good or not, and whether I enjoyed reading them (the degree to which these things are equivalent is not doubt the subject of much pointless debate). In this case; I did not, on either count. All the in-jokes and Thunderdome references don't add anything to the story, and if you strip these out there's not much character or plot left. I was also annoyed by all the proofing errors, which are as follows: “Rosa Flores, Bad character gone rogue. Tonight.” Whomever she was, she wasn’t going down without a fight. Should be “whoever”. A man in black clutched his blue orb, a mysterious backstory, so tight that it might break. I probably would have gone with “tightly” instead of “tight” to make it clear that this last part of the sentence related to the verb “clutched.” As it is I had to read it twice because I first thought “tight” was an adjective describing the orb. Business-man should be one word without a hyphen I’m not a good character; It would be a slow and painful death. “I’m in a book?” She asked. I lit a cigarette, “Keep looking, Rosa.” Should have a full stop rather than a comma before the dialogue because “I lit a cigarette” is not dialogue attribution. “I wanted to be a philosopher ya know.” This isn’t necessarily wrong I just hate it when people use “ya” out of nowhere. “I just want them to like me,” Full stop not comma. “My name Is Rosa Flores, Private Investigations. I thought she introduced herself as “private investigator.” 3/10 I ignored your second post, assuming this was a shitpost and not intended to be part of your entry. Chrysanthemum by Doctor Zero Rosa Flores, paranormal investigator, is trapped on a haunted spaceship: nice. For the half of this story I was too confused - I thought at first that the segments were going backwards in time, and I couldn’t keep track of all the characters. Then you started to pull things together and by the end I had worked out what was going on and was interested to see how it ended. I found the repetition of words at the end and start of each paragraph a bit distracting - I think you could have just continued… …without repeating the connecting word. This would have been better with more detail about fewer characters. 6/10 Notes Stuffed Down the Drain by crimea I found the format of this confusing. We seem to be jumping between two perspectives on the same story, as indicated by the italics / non-italics, but I wasn’t clear on who the two narrators were supposed to be. I struggled to follow the story. I think the plot is: Rosa Flores goes to investigate a haunted manor house, strange and terrible things happen, and then she’s dead. There are some other characters, but they don’t do much plot-wise. Your prose needs to be clearer. For example, some of your sentences are very long (e.g. “Rosa Flores was a member of this ad-hoc clique and began her own study into Hammersmith after her Atlantic crossing which came after her fall from grace as the one-time greatest paranormal investigator in the San Bernardino metropolitan area”). Try to split up separate ideas into separate sentences. 3/10 Got You! by Sparksbloom An interesting take on the decision about whether or not to follow in one’s parent’s footsteps, but this story fell a little flat for me. The protag, Julio and Mom are all a bit bland - I needed a bit more about these people and their relationship to actually get into this story. 6/10 The End: An Oral History by Sitting Here I did not like this. There's not much character or plot - we just get a lot of background and then the story ends. And what did this have to do with the prompt? Unless you were trying to imply that Rosa Flores is the meme that destroys the world? But then your reader can't understand your story without background knowledge of all the in-jokes you refer to, which is bad. Saved from a lower score by competent prose. 5/10 Because I Love You by Djeser This is pretty good. Nice build-up, good creepy ending. Easily achieves what it set out to do. 7/10 The Rosa Challenge by Getsuya Not terrible but a bit meh. Needs more characterisation of Kate to make me care about what happens to her. The story feels like it finishes half way through. 5/10 La Película Negra by Anomalous Amalgam Well that didn’t go where I was expecting it to. The introductory section doesn’t really fit with the rest of this rather anime story. It kind of ties in with the ending, but not well enough to make this a satisfying read. 5/10 Table Turning by Pham Nuwen This is silly and sweet. The ending got a chuckle out of me. Puns. Lol. 7/10 From Morgue to Morgue by Pepe Silvia Browne This got off to a good start. The crystal beetle bit was great. But after that it got a bit muddled, and I didn’t get the ending. 5/10 Necromancers in New York by Siddhartha Glutamate “Unngh!” That’s the sound I made upon finishing reading your story. So, good job on writing some good blood-splattery horror. The second section, where we flash back to the Slum Goddess, was a bit weak though, especially following that cracker of an opening. 6/10 Ghosts and Monsters by Thranguy Nice work. I enjoyed the voice you’ve used for the narrator. Solid ending. 8/10 Rosa Flores Resigns by Antivehicular This is good. I found Rosa and her strange world very absorbing, and I liked the relationship between her and the Gatherer. The last sentence is a bit off-key, but I’m nitpicking now. 8/10 Untitled by Mr Steak I’m going to go ahead and award you 1/10 on the basis that submitting is better than failing. But sometimes, taking a bit more time to write a redemption story is better than submitting. Failing is still the worst though. Magnificat by Sebmojo Umm, yes, well. You wrote something! Good job for not failing. You get 4/10 for having some pretty images and giving the impression (whether it is false or otherwise) that there were some cool ideas hovering like fireflies behind this 400 word, erm, thingy. Bees to Flowers by Anomalous Blowout Well that went somewhere unexpected. I liked all the elements of this story, and found myself easily drawn into it, which is testament to your very effective prose, but I’m not sure it all hung togeth-- oh now I’m a beeeeeeeee. 7/10 One Way, or Another by Chili I liked this, the ending is sweet. But, it starts off as a suspenseful story about cops being assisted by a ghost and ends as a chat with a good, if dead, counsellor. 6/10
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Jul 15, 2019 21:09
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Thanks for the crits, judges!
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Jul 15, 2019 21:29
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Yes, thanks for the crits!
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Jul 15, 2019 21:42
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Black Griffon posted:gently caress it, in with Serpent with raised head/the cavern/dishonest wealth
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Jul 15, 2019 22:37
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Thunderdome Week CCCLVIII: 19th Century Schizoid Man Crits As provided by that otherworldly fool, Anomalous Amalgam Foreword: This is the first time I’ve done this, and I am not a learned man, so I apologize if my plebeian assessment of your “words” is less than professional. Milk and Honey by SurreptitiousMuffin General remarks: I love the history and methodology you’ve managed to write. Also, there is a good bit of desperation that feeds off the circumstances you’ve portrayed through your character Callum. Mechanics: Some of the character’s language and rustic understanding causes hiccups in the fluidity of an otherwise fluidly told story despite the shifts in when the events take place. Title is appropriate if only for the sake of acknowledging the pipe dream. Overall: I feel the story has more heart than character. Although the character has their motivations explained. They are dying from the beginning, and with that as the preliminary hook the rest of the story is spent shifting between times to build a cumulative explanation of the character. The singing is probably what sets this apart, but again the tone, title, futility of the character’s actions lend itself to a story of finite virtue. I like it. 7/10 The Southern Ladies Tea-Sipping Competitions: A Brief History of Reconstruction Georgia’s Strangest Game by Saucy_Rodent General Remarks: A story that alludes to the horrors of slavery but highlighted the injustices that persisted afterwards. While the injustices against the African American are innumerable, I find myself personally at ends with stories like these, for reasons that aren’t related to the story and more attached to my philosophy for how I feel people might come together in a productive way. Regarding the story! A poo poo talking tea sipping circuit with signature moves is awesome. I love everything about it and the set up that Ophelia’s victory creates for the death of her brother. Mechanics: Some of your language usage takes me out of the story in the sense that it doesn’t seem like it fits the period. “Chugging or Nursing”, being the immediate example that comes to mind. There are places where some more careful editing would have helped. Overall: I thought it was a good story. On the nose in some ways, but not bad. 6/10 The Rosebery Club Detective by BIG FLUFFY DOG General Remarks: Your framing doesn’t match your idea, or it does so clumsily. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the premise, but the execution felt muddled and hard to follow at times because there wasn’t much going on. Mechanics: There isn’t a lot of flash, and it doesn’t need it, but the arrangement of things makes the story cumbersome. I found my self re-reading sentences and segments for their intention. Overall: There’s fun to be had here, but it needs work, because it is kind of clumsily revealed that this is all just a game. 3/10 TD358 – Hearty Stew by Simply Simon General Remarks: A strained father-son relationship and some heartfelt sentiment that is diminished by clumsy sentences and the occasional grammatical error. The story itself isn’t terrible, but the conflict between the father and son with the pumpkin as the bridge to the protag’s childhood and what his home meant to him. IT feels rushed. There’s a lot of set up, and then a quick pacing and reconciliation that feels sitcom-ish. Mechanics: There’s some places where more careful editing would have helped. Also some of the general sentence structure sounds, painfully, like my own sentences. The words sound good in our heads, but then a clumsy clattering of keys leaves a mess that isn’t quite so clear. That’s not to say that there weren’t sentences I did enjoy! The conflict itself seemed evenly paced and believable, the reconciliation not so much. Overall: A so-so story that could have shone a bit better with some clean up. 4/10 From the Notebooks of Barron Tuesday: Secrets of the Sunken City by Thranguy General Remarks: A journal-based story with a lot of action, but the redacted bits as established in that lovely foreword addressed like a letter, don’t come across in such away that your story retains cohesion beyond a few transient plot points. Mechanics: The foreword was written well, the journal entries themselves range from skillful to incredibly clumsy and I feel like more time in editing would have helped. Overall: The base premise is interesting and the promise of this redacted and fantastic journal is enough of a hook to get you to the end, but some of your intention appears to be lost in the delivery. 5/10 More later.
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Jul 15, 2019 22:59
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I'm in with far strider / the abyss / unhearing of truth
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Jul 15, 2019 23:06
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Thanks for the crits all! So was Rosa some kind of in-joke? I searched archives and I didn’t see anything. 
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Jul 15, 2019 23:13
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In, Owner of Faces / the dusk / unhearing of truth.
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Jul 15, 2019 23:14
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Doctor Zero posted:Thanks for the crits all! Here's one: https://thunderdome.cc/?story=2909&title=All+Soul%5C%27s+Day
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Jul 15, 2019 23:20
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Doctor Zero posted:Thanks for the crits all! Rosa Flores was a recurring character created by Benny the Snake, a former TDer who frequently evoked the ire of the thread. Benny the Snake left, but his character was remembered. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=138#post434585225 (I can't remember if this is the first appearance of Rosa, but it's an example)
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Jul 15, 2019 23:20
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in,See whom you bring/House of Min/Misbehavior.
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Jul 15, 2019 23:39
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Owner of horns Asyut volubility of speech
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Jul 15, 2019 23:46
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In flash me please Also thanks for all the crits!
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Jul 15, 2019 23:46
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In, but I can't decide on anything. So and hit me with something!Exmond posted:META NOIR YORK CITY This is some lame rear end poo poo. First you decided to make me look like a punk right after I signed up, like you couldn't even wait a couple of days to dash my loving hopes and dreams, no you had to do it right before I put one goddamn word on the page! That's cold. But maybe I could have let that go if you hadn't followed it up with this two-part opus. Hell, I probably would have shied away from making a peep for fear of being crushed by its sheer creative weight. But then you had and go and make poo poo personal, didn't you Exmond? I'll have you know that my erotica backstories are loving amazing! That'd make you weep while you cum. That wasn't enough for you though, was it? You had to go and dox my rear end and reveal to the whole 'dome that I'm a poo poo-slug. That's bullshit. But I'm not going to take this to the mods, oh no, that ain't how we do poo poo around here. We handle poo poo in the dome. Two poo poo slugs enter, one poo poo slug leaves! Brawl me, bitch.
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Jul 16, 2019 02:47
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Critiques for "ROSA FLORES IS DEAD". A ship in Space: The Spaceship Chronices: Chapter One: Space Good title to show comedy Terrible start, someone pushing a lever isn't exciting, The terrible start continues in the second sentence, a bunch of titles and names we don't know about doing things we don't care about Should have replaced dolphin with Genetically Invented Tortise (G.I.T) Too many people entering the scene at once, with unknown motivations. D.N.F The comedy piece seems to be relying upon the craaaazy names and craaazy things people are saying to generate comedy Death Of A Character Terribly written. Start is bad, Nice use of I was being repeated in 5 words. Should of put the "nobody wants to be bad" piece at the start of the 2nd scene You start too many sentences with I verbed Badly paced, way too fast Chrysanthemum Start is okay. Interested/Confused about the PHYSIOLOGY trauma, like her limb got hacked so the log is bad? Good setting up your SCI-FI scene in the next few sentences And clarity lost, who is this Mehmani guy? Ohhh this is the data corruption. There are better ways to format this. Odd changes in POV, since this is a log? "I whisper" is first person, "I ask" is first person but aren't we in a log? Horror piece, might be drawing from Eclipse Horizon, that has some formatting and clarity issues, but well done. Notes Stuffed Down the Drain. Start is bloody crunchy with several details. You don't need to list fourteen things in your second sentence. Also the start is SUPER exposition, but whatever, it can work, just not my favourite I start to drift when the italics backstory comes up. Also Rosa Hammersmith and Rosa Flores, I hope they are named the same for a reason, otherwise might be confusing I, dont know what this story is trying to do. Is it trying to be creepy? Then it is a very far away POV when Rosa gets Cthulud or whatever. Vomited up humanity is a great line Creepy piece that has a bet too much backstory, and bit too far away POV, to get me. Personal Taste though. Got you! Good start, Mom's dying is instantly sympathetic. Second sentence needs a tun up, use a list instead of three ands, but good to reveal vampires. Fourth sentence is great, we got some events happening to our protagonist that affects them (Foreclose on the house) Great start Odd, attempt at rising tension: They got her, got her good medical treatments? Lol at the vampire fighting scene. And it ends, hmm. Personal taste, I dislike the ending, she just does it anyways. But eh, small smudge in an otherwise good piece. The End: An oral history Er my gerd a fellow meta story? Okay, we got a lot going on here, fortunately, the title helps us. So the end has happened, we got a MUSHROOM? An Alien? A something talking to something, about something. This might be a problem if I, captain dumbass, cannot understand at least two of those somethings. Something #3 is the end of the world, caused by uhh ideas? *fistbump* on the aside mentions fo the Dome Yup, Benny The Snake reference here. Meta Okay, so we got Something #3 explained, pretty much Rosa Flores became a meme and exploded the world. Sure, Something #2 is explained, last survivor. Phew, was worried I wouldn't know what was goign on Got a few things you can improve on, I think the kid (interviewer) actually talks in this piece, but I'm not sure. The Rosa Reference is a bit light, bit hard to pick up on. Dunno if by design, but I don't get much from this piece. Feels like you had a chance to say something and swerved. Personal taste though. It's an okay piece, bit hard for me to follow, but once I got there you ran out of words. Would have liked to seen this as a bigger piece! Because I love you Good start, immediately picked up on Werewolf (Rosa?) killing people and the relationship of the characters. That being said, might be a bit of a cliched idea, betting lover(protagonist) kills lover. Ayup, called it on the ending. The Title gave it away, plus the character voice. Personal Taste here though. Odd, I just assumed they were both monsters, like attracts like. Wonderfully written, good character voice. The Rosa Challenge Hah, I just finished reading Entertaining Demons(don't read this book) which had a similar idea to yours. Start is a bit wobbily. It works, but we take a while to get to the punch line. Hmm, nice twist with making the reader doubt who is the ghost and who isn't. Daang you ran out of words. Good idea, clever jokes, I think this story is great! Le Pelicula Negra Gonna ignore your first sentence there, it's a bad start. A women with glasses, but her eyes is on fire, has white hair and is impatient. There are better starts. Second sentence fairs no better. Okay she has like lips that are lines. There we go, boom. Character motivation, we are wondering why this dead women would help people, kk. Lets g- YOUR START IS BACKSTORY!?!?!?! Shame, this new scene is a much better start Aww yeah, spirit summoning, a twist and heroes banding together! Children of Rosa lol, awesome Action scene needs a bit of work. You need rising tension (Don't say the battle intensfied. Have Rual fighting a dick demon as the corruption spreads over Rosa's soul, and he is trying to reach his sister's hand to form the ritual. They almost touch and BOOM, Raul's hand get's cut off. Then you could be like the true circle bond, is the family bond (Grandmother, Father, Daughter) Light fluffy action piece that falls flat on its face out of the gate, but manages to recover Table Turning Start works, could be improved. A problem throughout this week was everyone going the Paranormal Investigator route, think fatigue is getting at me here. Real meat of the story is when they are talking to Rosa, could get there quicker? Hmmm, these questions are running long. Need to quicken up the pace, give out some world building details or emotions with the questions that are being asked. OUCH, the 20 questions resolves in nothing? Then just summarize it! This kind of, goes nowhere. Like its middling, we meander to Katie and a bug hunt, whats th- Ends on a pun Ends on a pun, Winner of this week From Morgue to Morgue Rough starting sentence, but I kind of understand it. AHHH ANOTHER PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR (Personal fatigue, sorry!) Okay so opening scene is only there to say Rosa Flores is dead. Cut it, let's fast forward to where your story starts (it aint when the protag learns Rosa Flores is dead, otherwise we wouldn't cut as soon as that is said) KK we got some urban fantasy vibes, othre side, guides, siezed by something. Ohh, I like the "start paying tolls", neat colloqualisim in your world. They shot a beetle, need to say how large the beetle is. I'm gonna assume its human head sized, ALA Dead Space baby. I'm a rosa beetle, wamp wamp. Weird Third Scene that doesn't really need to be here Annnd I'm blue balled, nice non ending urban Fantasy Romp that tries to pick up on the genre cliches, and then had to suddenly end. Nice worldbuilding, but needed more meat to it Necromancers In New York Start is great, punchy and gets its meaning across. Allright, so we are going with umm, thriller story here. Good start with your characters, but what's going on? Does the start matter? I'd still keep the start, but others may call you out on it. Protagonist's character voice is great Okay, nice flashback scene. Yeah, I think this works. Probably should foreshadow the ending at the start Character piece in an urban fantasy world that does the job. Good character voice, solid writing, bit confusing pacing/structure though. Ghosts and Monsters ThranGuy Urban fantasy Winner I mean uhh, Good character voice at the start. Good way to reveal Rosa is dead. Like this Doctor character Hmmm, Rosa gave birth to a monster that is at her funeral? Could have expanded on that instead of a one liner. I think this has the same problem as sitting here's piece. It's one dude talking, so we don't get much context. That thing about "You aren't a monster you had a mother who did not give up on you for one second", could of been real punchy! Good character voice, but not much of substance here! Magnificat Plz Capitalize Last Names (Flores) Starting sentence is beautifully written! So we got this problem, other characters are interrupting our protagonist, but its formated really bad. That last sentence has like... uhhh, 3 dudes interrupting the one dude? People don't like Rosa? The protag doesn't like Rosa? What the gently caress is going on!!!!!!!!! Beautifully written piece that needs a ton of clarity for it to make sense. Bees to Flower Ok start, I like the random dog fact, but X is dead gets the job done but doesn't wow me "Rosa, like me," is pure exposition bordering on "As you know". Saved by that neat little character bit at the end of this paragraph Oh, great use of italics to show people are chatting in IRC. Character voice is coming through here, like the "not to use the O" word bit First scene is good! Second scene is where the LSD kicked in? That ending is something. It not bad but its not good either, it's like a fakey sucker punch. Still, character voice comes through and I like it.
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Jul 16, 2019 03:13
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thanks for the crit 
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Jul 16, 2019 03:38
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Siddhartha Glutamate posted:In, but I can't decide on anything. So I'll judge this if Ex is keen.
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Jul 16, 2019 05:16
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in,
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Jul 16, 2019 05:42
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sparksbloom posted:In Blood-eater/the shambles/killing a sacred bull Siddhartha Glutamate posted:In, but I can't decide on anything. So Wanderer/Bubastis/eavesdropping Owner of faces/Nedjefet/impatience
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Jul 16, 2019 07:09
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In, with a
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Jul 16, 2019 17:04
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Siddhartha Glutamate posted:Brawl me, bitch. Pass
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Jul 16, 2019 17:10
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Exmond posted:Pass wait, that's illegal
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Jul 16, 2019 17:21
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Djeser posted:Wanderer/Bubastis/eavesdropping Neato, thanks! Exmond posted:Pass  Thank you for the crit, Exmond. I appreciated it.
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Jul 16, 2019 17:29
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Exmond posted:Pass what the gently caress
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Jul 16, 2019 18:08
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I will brawl in Exmonds place, but only if afterward, Exmond is mod-challenged to write a story about how cool the winner is
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Jul 16, 2019 19:15
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I am willing to judge if y’all toxx yo poo poo.
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Jul 16, 2019 20:20
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derp posted:I will brawl in Exmonds place, but only if afterward, Exmond is mod-challenged to write a story about how cool the winner is Sounds like a dumb idea TBH, there's not supposed to be any kind of obligation on people to participate in brawls (which are dumb) or repercussions for making the objectively correct decision not to.
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Jul 16, 2019 21:34
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Mr. Steak posted:wait, that's illegal no it's not obligatory but it is insanely weak given he's just called the entire population of the dome poop-devouring molluscs lol so yeah let's mod challenge that if this brawl is successfully completed exmonds next dome story must contain at least 50 words of unironic praise of the victor in some recognisable form, consequences for failure tbd
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Jul 16, 2019 22:07
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sebmojo posted:no it's not obligatory but it is insanely weak given he's just called the entire population of the dome poop-devouring molluscs lol 
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Jul 16, 2019 22:10
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sebmojo posted:No, it's not obligatory but it is insanely weak given he's just called the entire population of the dome poop-devouring mollusks lol. Does everyone realize that the big joke was that I'm one of the poo poo slugs? And the protagonist beats me up in the end and tosses me off a cliff?
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Jul 16, 2019 22:39
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I'm sorry I can't hear you over all the chanting for blood And I guess if I'm joining this shitposting party then I'd better enter too. In and please assign me a thing
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Jul 16, 2019 22:49
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Yah, in toxx
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Jul 16, 2019 22:50
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