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Thesaurus
Oct 3, 2004


KrunkMcGrunk posted:

Certainly my conditional and transactional relationships with my children haven't taught them to treat other people transactionally!

"Why won't my estranged son visit me? I'll teach that petty bastard a thing or two..."

These parents are the literal embodiment of this meme

Thesaurus fucked around with this message at 22:14 on Jul 15, 2019

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Chitin
Apr 29, 2007

It is no sign of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Beekeeping and You posted:

The secret to deciphering these posts is to pay attention to what they aren't saying, because if what they did painted them in a good light, they would have said it.

Like if one of these parents says "I can't believe my kid estranged me over an email!!" there was some loving crazy poo poo in that email.

Sometimes not. Sometimes it's just the same petty poo poo that finally makes the kid go "actually, you know what? gently caress this."

I have a friend who finally found a medication that works for her depression last year and in the course of realizing she didn't have to be sad anymore she just straight up stopped putting up with a TON of bullshit.

One day her dad made his millionth lovely rear end in a top hat comment, and she'd just had enough of his bullshit. When he tells the story it probably came from nowhere, but from her perspective there was 37 years of build up.

Sleeveless
Dec 25, 2014

by Pragmatica

ArtIsResistance posted:

This thread has enough projecting to start a planetarium. Y'all need therapy not a forum

My favorite bit of mental illness in this thread is all the posters who are utterly aghast at the selfish stupidity of the parents completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based off of a single book...while they themselves are completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based on a single issendai blog post.

SulfurMonoxideCute
Feb 9, 2008

I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

What's really fun is when you try to get your own mother and your in-laws together for Christmas, and after a few years of having her repeatedly refuse you find out she didn't want to be around your in-laws because they treat you better than your own family ever did and she can't handle seeing you happy for once in your life. Then the mother complains it is actually YOU who never wants to do anything and refuses to keep in touch because you dared to invite her to something she obviously hates and totally did it on purpose just to make her feel bad :toot:

The Saucer Hovers
May 16, 2005

Sleeveless posted:

My favorite bit of mental illness in this thread is all the posters who are utterly aghast at the selfish stupidity of the parents completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based off of a single book...while they themselves are completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based on a single issendai blog post.

yeah finding out a behavior is common and has a name and other people experience it too isnt reframing you nard

like how are you in such a hurry to be right about something anything and get one over on "posters" that you minimize their evolving understanding of their experience down to mental illness?

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

The Saucer Hovers posted:

yeah finding out a behavior is common and has a name and other people experience it too isnt reframing you nard

like how are you in such a hurry to be right about something anything and get one over on "posters" that you minimize their evolving understanding of their experience down to mental illness?

Mentally ill: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3893331&pagenumber=1&perpage=40#post496502930

Takes one to know one. You’re at home here, Sleeveless!

OMFG FURRY
Jul 10, 2006

[snarky comment]

ugh my amazon browsing history is gonna be polluted for awhile

at the same time, whats up parents-sabotaged-your-education-from-the-start buddy, mine was my mother and her justification was that i wouldn't be able to make any new friends in the program while at the same time pressured me from 4th grade on that the only way i was going to get into college was through scholarships since she had no intention of paying for any of my education.

even when i got accepted into college she insisted i had concocted a fake acceptance letter and school website to trick her into...? i don't know what, and then when we finally had a campus tour she once more informed me how she wouldn't help pay for anything when we were alone.
:downsgun:

OMFG FURRY fucked around with this message at 00:17 on Jul 16, 2019

Beachcomber
May 21, 2007

Another day in paradise.


Slippery Tilde

OMFG FURRY posted:

ugh my amazon browsing history is gonna be polluted for awhile

Click here, my friend.

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes
Fun Shoe

Sleeveless posted:

My favorite bit of mental illness in this thread is all the posters who are utterly aghast at the selfish stupidity of the parents completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based off of a single book...while they themselves are completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based on a single issendai blog post.

Does it make you want to estrange this thread from your life? If not, what will?

BrigadierSensible
Feb 16, 2012

I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

Posting as an extremely privileged person whose parents, whilst not perfect, didn't gently caress me as bad as any of these people.

But 2 things strike me:

1) The pettiness of the slights and disrespects that the parents take offense at. Sure, denying access to grandchildren out of spite could be considered mean and bad. But mostly it is "my daughter didn't thank me enough when I bought her an ugly vase that she never asked for", "my son whose fiancee has cancer chose to spend time with her rather than come and rub my feet, and was curt over the phone when I called her a selfish bitch." and other things like this.

and

2) How often the estranged children are fully grown adults. Fully grown adults with agency that can and should be able to do whatever the gently caress they like with their lives. But whose parents get pissy when they don't kowtow to them and/or dare to show a little independence.

And on the grandchildren thing, reading between the lines of a lot of these, the grandparents don't even give that much of a poo poo about the grandkids. They just want them as a thing. Another thing to complain about, another thing that they can use to make themselves the victims, or as tools to control their kids.

Also, I suppose I am lucky living a continent away from my parents, but seriously, as an adult when I am not at home what I get are 10 minute phone calls every 2-3 weeks or so where we engage in awkward chat, dad tells me the recent cricket/football scores, passes the phone to mum where we do the same sans sports, and that is enough for everyone. The odd facebook message now and then tides everyone over, and keeps everyone informed of important comings and goings. When I am home, (for a holiday or whatever), everybody gets along fine, and when needs be, either helps, or stays out of each others way. I cannot fathom the kind of person who needs to be called by their adult children more than once a week, nor the person who would take teh fact that an adult might have a busy life and other things to do as a gross personal slight.

Koalas March
May 21, 2007




Maybe he's just mad his kids won't talk to him

Panfilo
Aug 27, 2011

EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬
Could also be cultural? My wife is super close with her family even as an adult. We often go on vacations with them. On the other hand, they are super generous and kind, and there's a balanced reciprocation of emotional labor that never feels like a codependency.

My brother's wife came from a similarly big family as my wife but not the same culture, and she's hinted that her parents were not always as involved as she needed them to be (she got accidentally left behind at a department store when her family went home, and her parents really downplay the severity of how terrifying that can be to a six year old.). In contrast to my wife's family, her siblings scattered everywhere and seldom see each other.

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
I hang out with my parents quite a lot but they're smart and funny despite it all. I like gbs because it's a very similar environment.

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
AC = adult child or children. Usually children.

quote:

There are several themes that go through all of our posts.

Narcissistic or self centered AC or ex spouses.
Spouses or ex spouses that demand total allegiance from the AC to the exclusion of the other parent.

AC that “choose” the other parent because they are desperate to have that parent in their lives now, a longing from being ignored during childhood.

AC that “choose” the inlaws due to their spouse demanding loyalty to their parents only. Or perhaps the inlaws do the demanding and monopolizing of time/attention of the AC.

AC that are not nice, say hateful things to us, and demand this or demand that and feel it is their right, their privilege to be so hateful — “we deserve it” in their minds.

Moody AC that seem different from one moment to the other.

Drug or alcohol use/abuse that causes the AC to want “privacy” and/or money.

AC who blame others without ever taking responsibility for their own actions.

AC who try to control and manipulate others to NOT have a relationship with their estranged parent.

AC who cut us off when we don’t appease them, stop giving money, or give into their wishes.

Mental health issues or personality disorders in our AC.

Depression in us after the estrangement begins or while on the roller coaster ride with an unpleasant AC.

Xik
Mar 10, 2011

Dinosaur Gum
I don't have much content because I grew up in a healthy, loving household (:smugdog:), but I was chatting to mum trying to mine the extended family for BIG GOSSIP.

My great aunt (? Grandfathers sister on Dads side) adopted a kid when she was a baby. All her childhood they never told her. On her 16th birthday a cousin called her and told her she was adopted saying she deserved to know.

That was it, she just packed her poo poo up and left. Told them she had lived a lie and never spoke to them ever again. She lived in the same township (in UK), apparently one time they saw her walking down the street with a baby stroller, she noticed them and walked in the opposite direction. They died in their old age never having talked to her again. The aunt contacted one of the kids friends when her husband died thinking she would turn up and maybe spark a relationship but she wasn't interested.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.

Sleeveless posted:

My favorite bit of mental illness in this thread is all the posters who are utterly aghast at the selfish stupidity of the parents completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based off of a single book...while they themselves are completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based on a single issendai blog post.

nobody is doing this, you pissant waste of space. other than examining the estranged forums, literally everything else about abusive parents on issendai is found in tons of other books and sites written by actual psychologists and counselors. we've been reading about and experiencing these exact things for decades. even my therapist knows about issendai.

go bitch about cheap meat advertising or something, that's more your speed

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

quote:

ahh… I finally “decided” to just go. I feel strongly that I need to make an effort to show up like the other parents and relatives do. And its one effort at a time — no hope, just this weekend for what it is, bobble head city. I can totally give up later on if I want.

Thanks to Cubbyz, you hit the nail on the head on how mean some people are. I know I don’t have to attend but I decided just go with a detached attitude, like show up, smile, and don’t give a poop.

Good Son wanted to go with us — but on his schedule and accommodating his desires. Thought he’d be a buffer and then realized he is adding more stress. I saw the narcissistic tendencies that run in his paternal family line. Time for consequences and boundaries, he’s not going.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.
- at the optician, she bought some glasses for me when i was a kid. she said they even looked good on me and insisted i get them.

the next day, she tears into my room, screaming about how i need to pay her back for the glasses (with what money?), picking up my keyboard and smashing it against the table.

another odd, but common thing i've experienced and read about, is how narcissist mothers will see that you have something nice, and immediately want to go out and buy the exact thing that you have, especially if you've been complimented on it in front of them. while this might sound minor, it's very telling. they're simply not content to see you receive praise or success if they aren't involved, and every small, petty thing they can do to soak up some of your praise, they will do.

they also tend to be bad gift givers, because they don't care about what you actually want or need. usually it's a way to make you feel like poo poo, or passive-aggressively correct some "wrong" of yours. and if they do give you something you enjoy, be prepared to have to do something in return, or have it taken back from you because even though it's a gift, they spend their money on it, in their house, and they are obviously entitled to it.

edit:

the way to survive in these situations is to never accept gifts from them, and never reveal anything about yourself until you're out of there. keep your computer and phone locked down, if you write a diary for the love of god do it digitally and password protect it. they live off your personal doubts and low self esteem and if they catch wind of any of it, you're going down.

nishi koichi fucked around with this message at 04:06 on Jul 16, 2019

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

bad posts ahead!!! posted:

- at the optician, she bought some glasses for me when i was a kid. she said they even looked good on me and insisted i get them.

the next day, she tears into my room, screaming about how i need to pay her back for the glasses (with what money?), picking up my keyboard and smashing it against the table.

another odd, but common thing i've experienced and read about, is how narcissist mothers will see that you have something nice, and immediately want to go out and buy the exact thing that you have, especially if you've been complimented on it in front of them. while this might sound minor, it's very telling. they're simply not content to see you receive praise or success if they aren't involved, and every small, petty thing they can do to soak up some of your praise, they will do.

they also tend to be bad gift givers, because they don't care about what you actually want or need. usually it's a way to make you feel like poo poo, or passive-aggressively correct some "wrong" of yours. and if they do give you something you enjoy, be prepared to have to do something in return, or have it taken back from you because even though it's a gift, they spend their money on it, in their house, and they are obviously entitled to it

I am actually fascinated by the gift-giving logics exhibited in a lot of these posts, especially from people who are well enough off to REALLY get creative using wealth as a cudgel.

Panfilo
Aug 27, 2011

EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬
I just remembered that my step-dad is estranged from his oldest daughter. I didn't even KNOW he had another daughter (or had a third ex wife for that matter) until one day as a teen I found this dusty photo of an adult woman and curiously asked him if it was one of his relatives. He dryly replied that she was his oldest daughter from a previous marriage, his ex wife left him "over some dumb bullshit" and had allegedly poisoned his daughter against him. She had apparently gone no contact and the daughter had also refused to let him see his granddaughter which I also didn't know existed at that point. No idea how he had a photograph of her if his ex wife and daughter were estranged from him when the daughter was young.

I didn't think much of it back then, just figuring he was being weird and cagey about it. But Reading this thread I got a feeling something bad happened between them.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.

MasBrillante posted:

I am actually fascinated by the gift-giving logics exhibited in a lot of these posts, especially from people who are well enough off to REALLY get creative using wealth as a cudgel.

somehow they always seem to have a complete, legal-like, itemized list of every single thing they've done and bought for you, just ready to go in their heads. my mother used to scream about doing this or that for me as she beat me and called me ungrateful

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Panfilo posted:

I just remembered that my step-dad is estranged from his oldest daughter. I didn't even KNOW he had another daughter (or had a third ex wife for that matter) until one day as a teen I found this dusty photo of an adult woman and curiously asked him if it was one of his relatives. He dryly replied that she was his oldest daughter from a previous marriage, his ex wife left him "over some dumb bullshit" and had allegedly poisoned his daughter against him. She had apparently gone no contact and the daughter had also refused to let him see his granddaughter which I also didn't know existed at that point. No idea how he had a photograph of her if his ex wife and daughter were estranged from him when the daughter was young.

I didn't think much of it back then, just figuring he was being weird and cagey about it. But Reading this thread I got a feeling something bad happened between them.

Well I am beginning to gather that for a lot of people estranged means “anything less than what I deem an appropriate level of contact and deference.” I expected everyone to be like “I haven’t spoken to my daughter in 13 years” and there are some of those. But many of them seem to be more like “My daughter only sends me cards on some holidays” where the implication is that that is the only contact. But then in the next post they describe a phone call and it becomes clear the crime was not sending cards on all designated holidays, as I Expect.

Light Gun Man
Oct 17, 2009

toEjaM iS oN
vaCatioN




Lipstick Apathy

bad posts ahead!!! posted:

somehow they always seem to have a complete, legal-like, itemized list of every single thing they've done and bought for you, just ready to go in their heads. my mother used to scream about doing this or that for me as she beat me and called me ungrateful

i have a box around here somewhere of like every single birthday/xmas/whatever card my mom sent me, not because i'm sentimental, but because i just expect that i may have to someday show it off as a defense against some bullshit.

i know it ain't healthy. but whatever, it's just a box.

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

quote:

I am not happy about not being close to my EC but I am tired tired of being manipulated and having hateful words thrown my way. I don’t think I ever felt guilty, maybe sad and full of pain. At some point, I decided to detach from the pain and “give up” on expectations or hopes. With our ES, he has no conscience and abuses us financially and emotionally and he’s not pleasant to be around. I just called my pregnant semi estranged ED about another event I am traveling to next week. I mentioned what about getting an early dinner together beforehand and she was shocked. Said what a good idea but never thought to ask me if I wanted to do this. I am traveling several hours and staying in a hotel and you don’t think to ask do I want to meet you before the event for an early dinner????? What is wrong with these young people???? Lesson learned: speak up in a polite and respectful manner for what we need and want and see what happens.

So for example, how does someone financially abuse a person with whom the only exchange of money occurs, by their own description, through holiday gift-giving?

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes
Fun Shoe

MasBrillante posted:

So for example, how does someone financially abuse a person with whom the only exchange of money occurs, by their own description, through holiday gift-giving?

Lesson learned: Politely ask for what I want instead of being a passive-aggressive crazy person

This is my favorite post so far, "I asked my estranged daughter to dinner and she said it was a great idea. Can you believe that bitch?!"

Drunk Nerds fucked around with this message at 04:23 on Jul 16, 2019

Barudak
May 7, 2007

The gift thing is universal and why I view all gifts as acts of aggression.

Light Gun Man
Oct 17, 2009

toEjaM iS oN
vaCatioN




Lipstick Apathy
I told my family to just not get me any presents, or if you must give something just give cash, long long ago. It's been less stress overall for everyone, I'd say.

The stuff people will subject themselves and others to in the quest for the Perfect Christmas is absolutely insane.

Deki
May 12, 2008

It's Hammer Time!
Man, I hate the fact that I see a lot of my mom in these posts. We've got a decent enough relationship even though she came from an extremely broken home and a lot of that bled through into my childhood. I wouldn't be surprised if my Aunt was on this site though. She threw a fit at my mom over having to wait 10 minutes for my mom to get home to let her in the house, and has currently held that grudge for 10 years running, and she's some level of estranged from 2 of her kids.

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

I hate the wondering about what they did. I want to know. Like, seriously, my parent was and is (though less drunk about it) loving insane and I can't think of many things that'd make me just go no contact. Maybe I have a high tolerance to crazy or something but it certainly makes me think that some of these folks did some pretty unspeakable things. Cray.

underage at the vape shop
May 11, 2011

by Cyrano4747

Sleeveless posted:

My favorite bit of mental illness in this thread is all the posters who are utterly aghast at the selfish stupidity of the parents completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based off of a single book...while they themselves are completely defining and reframing their view on their relationships based on a single issendai blog post.

How much do your kids hate you?

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

quote:

Honestly, I don’t believe there is a healthy medium to be on FB and limit your exposure to your ED unless you can silence or remove all of your family and the people she calls her new family so you do not see them on your newsfeed. I am totally, 100% off of FB because it makes me depressed and it is fake. People only put happy things on FB or they are busy being hateful on there and it just depresses me. When I am focused on FB and on what others are posting, then I am not able to focus on myself and changing myself and moving forward.

I suspect your family members and other daughter are telling you to “move on” because they are tired of hearing about your pain. I am sorry this is so blunt but that has been my experience. Other people don’t want to get involved or feel our pain. They have enough in their own life and they get tired of ours. This is probably “normal” and self protecting of them. I do not speak about the estrangement with any family members except my husband.

I have talked with my “good son” about how his mean sister is and how he needs to protect himself from her and how his father’s advice to “be nice to mean sister” is bad advice. I have never bashed my ex (who caused the estrangement) but have realized that nice people, good people, don’t realize the tactics of these hateful, mean, people who aim to hurt us. So I am trying to educate good son to protect himself and to recognize the dysfunction of 1). someone constantly criticizing him and giving unsolicited advice to him because she feels she knows better than him and her husband supports her butting in like this and 2). someone telling him to be nice to the abuser.

We may not feel that the advice to move on is helpful or that it demeans us but the truth is, we have to keep moving forward. What I know is one way to do this is to stop focusing on the other person and their behavior or the way they have hurt us and focus on ourselves, what do we want to do in life now, what goals do we have or need to have, how can we improve ourselves to be the best person we can be?

It sounds abusive, frankly, for your daughter to crow about her new family on FB where you can see it. Think about this: she likely puts stuff on there to continue ripping your heart out, otherwise known as mean and abuse. You can stop this abuse by closing off all her relatives and friends from your news feed or not doing FB. Why don’t you try this: don’t look at FB for a month. No peaking. See if you start to feel less churned up and unhappy all the time. My mean daughter always was posting how her new step mom or her dad was “her best friend” so that I would see it. I went off FB for a month and realized how sad it makes me and then deleted the account. Months later, this mean daughter figured out I was not on FB, LOL! This mean ED doesn’t realize that I have gone low contact because she is hateful and abusive to me. Love her as my daughter but would run from her vitriol if she were a co-worker or neighbor. Let’s call a thing a thing, as Iyanla Van Zant says. Call it by its real name, out of the darkness and into the light.

I was like true, Facebook is horrible, wait what??

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Literally A Person posted:

I hate the wondering about what they did. I want to know. Like, seriously, my parent was and is (though less drunk about it) loving insane and I can't think of many things that'd make me just go no contact. Maybe I have a high tolerance to crazy or something but it certainly makes me think that some of these folks did some pretty unspeakable things. Cray.

It’s always like ALL their kids too. And assorted family members and community members.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.

Literally A Person posted:

I hate the wondering about what they did. I want to know. Like, seriously, my parent was and is (though less drunk about it) loving insane and I can't think of many things that'd make me just go no contact. Maybe I have a high tolerance to crazy or something but it certainly makes me think that some of these folks did some pretty unspeakable things. Cray.

kicking and spitting on you because you got a bad grade is a start. so is denying sexual abuse and asking "why didn't you go to the police?" even though you were 9 when it happened and couldn't trust your parent to tell you the color of the sky, much less bring up something that would be the perfect ammo to use against you later on

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Like the best case the reason kids are no contact is that the parent is emotionally manipulative and abusive while worst case is an ever widening gyre of sorrows.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.

underage at the vape shop posted:

How much do your kids hate you?

i'm really glad a steakum-obsessed dolt rocked up to tell us how things really are

Sleeveless
Dec 25, 2014

by Pragmatica

underage at the vape shop posted:

How much do your kids hate you?

Gotta give this thread credit, usually the timescale for a mock thread devolving into armchair psychology, making poo poo up, and accusing the people who point out how weird and gross they're being of being the thing the mock thread is devoted to usually takes weeks or even months and this all unfolded over the course of like a day.

I'm sure the "Rubbernecking At Heartbroken Parents While Writing Fanfiction About How They Deserved It Whilst Oversharing Our Own Pathological Disorders M-M-MEGATHREAD" will have a long history in the first few pages of GBS along with the people jerking off to corpses on Mt Everest and acting like fakeposts on Reddit are real but please know that it isn't too late, you can always tap out and not immerse yourself in a sea of inscutable acronyms and misery from which you will never emerge.

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
Maybe if you climb Everest then your AC will call you back.

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Sleeveless posted:

Gotta give this thread credit, usually the timescale for a mock thread devolving into armchair psychology, making poo poo up, and accusing the people who point out how weird and gross they're being of being the thing the mock thread is devoted to usually takes weeks or even months and this all unfolded over the course of like a day.

I'm sure the "Rubbernecking At Heartbroken Parents While Writing Fanfiction About How They Deserved It Whilst Oversharing Our Own Pathological Disorders M-M-MEGATHREAD" will have a long history in the first few pages of GBS along with the people jerking off to corpses on Mt Everest and acting like fakeposts on Reddit are real but please know that it isn't too late, you can always tap out and not immerse yourself in a sea of inscutable acronyms and misery from which you will never emerge.

This isn’t a mock thread; it’s a gawk thread.

What did the Steak-umms guy do to you or are you the steak umms guy or what?

MasBrillante
Dec 3, 2005

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

quote:

It has been important for me to look within myself and examine why I do what I do in regards to sending gifts, calling, checking FB, etc. What are my emotional needs and what am I hoping to gain from these actions of mine? If you can’t figure this out, ask your therapist to explore it with you. Because I believe we must understand our actions and out thinking before we can make changes to do things better or more rationally or whatever. I do not have grandchildren yet, but have one nicer ED who is pregnant. When I realized that I was trying to buy love by sending presents and hoping for a positive response, hoping that my EC remembered my birthdays, Christmas and MD. I realized that I was doing the gift giving thing as a way to massage the relationship with the EDs, to try to control their interactions with me, and to buy their love. I also felt very angry that my birthday or Christmas was ignored but I was putting effort into purchasing and mailing a present for them. Ignoring my birthday and MD has been going on for years, even before the estrangement. I can remember the last of my birthdays before I divorced my ex husband who created the estrangement where I cooked my own dinner, got no presents, cleaned it up, and then my ex went on a date with his little lady friend to a bar (I read his text messages the next morning and he still doesn’t know I know!). I did this whole dinner thing just to pretend I was worthy of love and attention from people who were not able to give me love and attention. I realized that I do have value and self worth and that groveling towards these EC who are not giving back to me did not help me to have emotional wellness. Now, on one hand, the parent does do most of the giving for years and years but I am talking about respect and mutual liking being a two way street. If they act like I am dirt and I act like they are gold, this is not mutual respect and affection.

Sometimes I do not send a birthday or Christmas present, depends on if they acknowledged my special days. When I do not send them a card or present, it seems to jog something inside them so that I get a present on the next special day for me. Sometimes I do send something that I order from a catalog but I no longer care if they like it or if I get a response or thank you. When I do give a gift to the EC, it is because I want to and not because I need something back from them. Does this make sense? So I feel I have come around from giving as a form of my weakness to giving as a form of my strength. For MD, I got ignored by the nicer ED who probably felt buying me dinner the week before when I was at her college graduation was a present enough but the mean ED sent me a funny card (no present). Frankly, I am tired of giving gifts to people who put little or no effort in making it a two way street.

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THOT PATROL
Nov 16, 2017

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Hello all. First post but been reading since I finished the book by Sheri. My oldest daughter has always been tough, she was born one month after my own mother died. We were very close for a long time, or so I thought. At 19 she married and that’s when the turning started. I one point she said out of the blue, you can’t make me talk to you”. The E comes and goes over the years. She has been married twice, divorced twice and is currently with another man. Both very successful and living a big life of travel, nice home and HIS family. She has turned her back on us except for a a text or flowers on mother’s day or my birthday. She has really nothing to do with her siblings but is it seems involved with her mans family a lot. I asked her once why she doesn’t want anything to do with us and she said “mom, ever think it has nothing to do with you? I’m on anti depressants”. Funny, she seems pretty good in pics with him, his family, and her travels. I tried to talk to her for this Christmas as she told me she couldn’t make it. I asked her for a phone call, a short visit if not for anything but her 90 year old grandfather. Silence. I then said if that’s what you want then fine and she said “ok”. Nothing on Xmas, no text no call. I texted her today and simply asked if she wanted her grandfathers gift mailed and once again silence. I have no clue. But here we are yet again…silence. On again off again. It’s driving me nuts!

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Why in the world wouldn’t my ed want her grandfathers gift? I sent a text asking if I should mail it and she said no. What in the world did her 90 year old grandfather do to her?

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So, next week I am meeting with my lawyer. I have a trust and a will that includes my ED with the other three. She is currently power of medical attorney in the event of my hospitalization. I am changing that. LOL! after this last bout of her ignorning her 90 year old grandfather, and not responding when I tried to discuss her distance I am seriously thinking of either cutting her out or severely limiting any inheritance she would be entitled to. I would still give her certain items I believe belong to her, but no money.

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The biggest bafflement in this latest episode is I had asked her if I had done something wrong…her reply (through text of course) was no mom, you didn’t do anything wrong! With a big heart! Its confounding I tell you. This generation is selfish, and misleading….

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So I text my ED that I feel like I have been dumped by my own flesh and blood and she says “Oh my god Mom I think youre being really dramtic. Please just stop with the dramatics.” I tell her I know this isn’t about me but how she feels and she says “Ok, but its not coming across that way.” Then silence. The rest is silence. Who is this brat? How dare she speak to her mother that way? I’m so angry I could spit.


BONUS ROUND! same woman posts an emo thread, comprised entirely of the following:

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subj: I want

to tell her off in the worse way. I’m so angry, so so angry.

and 5x-estrangement-combo lady comes running in to retell her story in response:

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Be very careful. All I did was send a text (on a phone I was paying for) that I wanted to hear back from her or I was going to go look for her… and I was served with an order of protection. Took me thousands of dollars and a few court appearances to end this. In the end, I gave her the order for 1 year (I will gladly stay away from her forever) if she admitted that I hadn’t done anything wrong – and she agreed.

Many of these EC mean business! They want us out of their lives and aren’t afraid to go to extremes.

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