MasBrillante posted:

Got some fresh content for you bbs:

Clitch posted:

It is the text version of this face:

Crazy ex or mom? You decide! posted:

Good evening everyone,
I wanted to reach out and see if anyone else gets to the point in their journey where they begin to feel numb? I continue to want to have a relationship with my ex very much, however, I cannot control his side of the equation and honestly without ANY communication in several months now, am beginning to feel numb. Not like I have forgotten him, but more like I can’t take anymore and while it used to tear me up inside, I am just…well, NUMB. I still pray for my ex daily, I still continue to reach out to him, something inside of me has changed, don’t really know how else to describe it. Has anyone else been on a similar journey? Is this unique to men only?

quote:

even as we live side by side with our children and our spouses, each and every one of us has a separate and distinct recollection of our time and our lives spent together. My memories and feelings around memories are going to be different from those of each of my children and my spouse or significant other. What I might recall as “funny” or quaint, one or more of the others might recall as traumatic or harmful. Both of us are remembering the same thing and how it affected us. Neither of us are “wrong,” we are only recollecting the memory and how it affected us.

I bring this up in hopes that it helps others on the forum to feel okay about what is happening in their lives now. We ALL have our memories and our pasts that we cannot change. We ALL did the best we could do with what we knew at the time when we were raising our kids. I look back and I see my three daughters and all of the amazing fun times we had. I know I wasn’t a saint or a perfect mother, but they are all grown women who are married and living their lives, and if one or more of them only want to remember a childhood full of angst, there is nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately that is their memory and not mine.

Drunk Nerds posted:

No that's my wife and she has authorized me to reopen the thread soon and I've got six months of updates.

THOT PATROL posted:

BrigadierSensible posted:

Something else I am noticing reading these stories is that there is often a Good Child, and a Bad Child.

The Good Child is sweet, submissive, subservient, always happy and smiley, and always agrees with/obeys the parent, teh Bad Child is a wilful, selfish, disrespectful, difficult, contrary hellion.

And in the stories, the Good Child(tm), never takes any sort of active role, they are jsut in the background as props that support the parents argument. As much as the parents say they love them, and as much as it is shown that they favour them, they really don't seem to care about the Good Child as anything other than a thing to make them feel good about themselves, and that they are the ones in the right.

Also, I would be interested to hear from the many posters in this thread that have experienced hosed up parents like this. What is it like dealing with the Good Child, when you are the Bad Child? Coz it is often just as difficult to be the one showered with (often transactional) love and affection whilst watching your sibling get shat on. Do you resent them? Do they resent you? Did they get away, or are they still caught in the parent's web? etc.

Some of the Sheep posted:

It's this dynamic: https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/ and it's a tool of abuse. You also see stories as well where the roles of golden child and scapegoat interchange when the parent is losing control of the dynamic.

quote:

Morgana, you’ve hit into my feelings, too. I have had enough. While my two EDs have not told me all the things I have done wrong, they ignore and ostracize me. The one ED named the babies after the other mothers (my ED didn’t bother to tell me the middle names the whole time she was pg, I was told in a generic email to everyone). That made me aware of how pitiful our relationship is and how what I am given is crumbs. I have felt like “enough” since last Christmas and I make the mistake of putting effort into gifts and it was not reciprocated, etc, etc, etc. I have not met the new babies and I decided not to bother. I am invited to visit that ED once a year, drive all morning, stay for lunch, and then leave and go to a hotel and not see any of my kids after the lunch. That is not the relationship I want for any GC I have, I want to give love. There are so many other mothers vying and pushing to be mother number one in that ED’s mix, that this two hour luncheon won’t even be a time when I get to interact much with the GC anyway. The other ED is the not nice one, she is due in a few months. She definitely inflicts pain. She’s been texting me about when am I going to see the twins, they aren’t her babies and she isn’t inviting me to stay at her house!!! I responded “why do you ask?” and refused to answer. I won’t be put in the position of being demeaned again. I won’t compete for mother number one position, that means manipulation and that is not me. So yes, here’s your validation. And yes, I do feel odd or strange or unloving about making the choice to not try with the GC. But I also feel for me, its reality, the relationship between older ED and the not so nice one and myself is one where they don’t care about ME or seem to want me in their lives. I finally feel like I have accepted reality and am protecting myself. For me, I feel like my girls don’t care about my feelings and its spitting in the wind to even bring up their ostracizing and their father’s parental alienation. BUT…. if I ever get invited to that once a year luncheon again, I think I will say no thanks, its a long ride for two hours and then being ostracized. The first time I was not invited and my not nice ED made sure to tell me I was not invited because everyone hated me. The next year, I was invited and I asked does the invite mean the weekend, spending the night at your house, and other ED said “NO” just the luncheon. Now that takes a real sense of selfishness, doesn’t it? Who does this? Dangle and invite and make someone grovel for information? I remembered this as I was making this GC decision and said, that experience was the truth, I should have given up long ago. Sorry to ramble, I validate YOU.

quote:

I am sorry you are going through this. Have you read Sheri’s book? I am thinking it would help you forgive yourself and move forward, with or without your ED. At this point, it sounds like you’ve apologized and want a relationship with ED and she is ignoring you. Perhaps take a break from all this and give it two or three months to settle down and see how you feel at that time. Giving yourself a break from thinking and obsessing over this allows you to heal a bit and see things in new light.

What many parents here feel is that anything they say is used against them, even apologies — and I have certainly found the same with my 3 EC. My EC are very much into blame of others (me) with themselves being the only one whose feelings matter. That attitude puts me in a bind, I can’t grovel or appease any longer nor accept their rejection (I have three EC and one good son).Maybe I should give a disclaimer: we do have a gay son, the ES (my step son)… we are estranged due to his love of inflicting pain and other diagnosed psychiatric issues (not his sexuality).

I recently heard from another parent whose child cut off contact due to the parent being overly surprised or disapproving of their adult child declaring they are gay, when the parent feels this is ‘out of the blue’ so to speak. It used to be that many, many gay adult children were cut off by their families for being gay. I suspect that the norm is becoming young adults cutting off the parent when the parent doesn’t perform as expected or wanted, no discussion, no allowing the shock to wear off. At a book signing talk last summer, I heard a younger therapist mention how people need to cut off toxic families at a talk given by another older therapist who was saying learn boundaries, detach, recognize negative behavioral patterns and don’t engage or take personally, but don’t cut your parent off. I took this as the cultural wars of today.

This is all very new to you and I think that is when the pain is at its highest. I think it would be helpful if you could forgive yourself, live for today, not yesterday and mistakes made, and learn to take baby steps to move forward. I have to avoid social media, FB, etc., as I can’t be happy when I see the photos of my EC, new GC, and know that I am ostracized by them. I have to set boundaries for me, so maybe blocking some of your social media or giving it a rest until after the holidays. Your daughter may come back into a relationship with you and even if she doesn’t, you can go on to live a happy life, it is possible, though not quick nor easy. Sending you a big hug.

Some of the Sheep posted:

It's this dynamic: https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/ and it's a tool of abuse. You also see stories as well where the roles of golden child and scapegoat interchange when the parent is losing control of the dynamic.

BrigadierSensible posted:

Something else I am noticing reading these stories is that there is often a Good Child, and a Bad Child.

The Good Child is sweet, submissive, subservient, always happy and smiley, and always agrees with/obeys the parent, teh Bad Child is a wilful, selfish, disrespectful, difficult, contrary hellion.

And in the stories, the Good Child(tm), never takes any sort of active role, they are jsut in the background as props that support the parents argument. As much as the parents say they love them, and as much as it is shown that they favour them, they really don't seem to care about the Good Child as anything other than a thing to make them feel good about themselves, and that they are the ones in the right.

Also, I would be interested to hear from the many posters in this thread that have experienced hosed up parents like this. What is it like dealing with the Good Child, when you are the Bad Child? Coz it is often just as difficult to be the one showered with (often transactional) love and affection whilst watching your sibling get shat on. Do you resent them? Do they resent you? Did they get away, or are they still caught in the parent's web? etc.

BrigadierSensible posted:

Something else I am noticing reading these stories is that there is often a Good Child, and a Bad Child.

The Good Child is sweet, submissive, subservient, always happy and smiley, and always agrees with/obeys the parent, teh Bad Child is a wilful, selfish, disrespectful, difficult, contrary hellion.

And in the stories, the Good Child(tm), never takes any sort of active role, they are jsut in the background as props that support the parents argument. As much as the parents say they love them, and as much as it is shown that they favour them, they really don't seem to care about the Good Child as anything other than a thing to make them feel good about themselves, and that they are the ones in the right.

Also, I would be interested to hear from the many posters in this thread that have experienced hosed up parents like this. What is it like dealing with the Good Child, when you are the Bad Child? Coz it is often just as difficult to be the one showered with (often transactional) love and affection whilst watching your sibling get shat on. Do you resent them? Do they resent you? Did they get away, or are they still caught in the parent's web? etc.

Hostile V posted:

I really do wonder why there aren't as many dads or grandparents posting on this forum but I have a feeling that it just boils down to "people who'd qualify as the generations that would make these guys grandparents or dads have institutionalized toxic masculinity not giving them the language to express this kind of stuff to people outside of a close group of friends and loved ones because airing your emotions on a public forum is for women and I'm a loving man". Like fundamentally this is a forum for a book a woman wrote and...yeah. They're probably just on Facebook or hobby forums off-topic pages.

Tiggum posted:

The weirdest stories here are the ones where apparently they're still Facebook friends with, still talk on the phone to, and still visit their "estranged" children. What does that even mean?

Tiggum posted:

The weirdest stories here are the ones where apparently they're still Facebook friends with, still talk on the phone to, and still visit their "estranged" children. What does that even mean?

Light Gun Man posted:

Is there one of these for the poo poo I got a lot? I was an only child, and generally just kept to myself and didn't get into much trouble, but my mom and sometimes even school officials just kind of treated me like I was some problem child? I swear it felt like my mom wanted to catch me doing drugs but I never did any, poo poo like that? Like yeah I don't like doing homework every night, homework sucks, doesn't mean I'm smoking the weed and going to shoot up the school OK??

Maybe it was mostly just guilt by association or something but drat that poo poo was obnoxious as gently caress. Like if you're going to treat me like I'm some child criminal either way now I feel like I'm missing out if i'm NOT doing the crimes!

Bobbie Wickham posted:

I think some of the missing fathers from the message board, are the victims of abuse themselves, and either have Stockholm Syndrome, or know drat well why their kids don't call.

quote:

I have been very upset with this, lately learning how much is now in the account and realizing how I am complicit at this point. I am borrowing trouble I know. Ever since the Christmas debacle where ES came over and blasted us for 1.5 hours about our failings (he had to make them up this time) and then a month later called my husband and complained about how we cause him anxiety and how all the cousins and that aunt all say how bad his dad and step mom (me) are. I have been very upset with all of this and how my husband has responded to ES by allowing the hate filled vitriol against us. The real issues is whether or not my husband is going to stop engaging with ES in a way that brings chaos and anguish into our marriage. And whether or not I can de-enmesh with husband so that I can stay in this marriage. That is how I feel — that the only way to get away from the ES’s nefarious behavior towards me is to end the marriage. Unless husband does what he says he will do and not allow ES to do this hate filled vitriol again. I have talked about my feelings and been honest with husband so we’ll see. We can’t change ES, no he is not getting therapy nor does he want to change. In ES’s view, the problem people are his dad and his step mom. We recommend therapy to him at Christmas for healing and ES reported that he told all the cousins and his aunt how horrible we are that we would suggest he get mental health help. Its no win.

MasBrillante posted:

Light Gun Man posted:

Is there one of these for the poo poo I got a lot? I was an only child, and generally just kept to myself and didn't get into much trouble, but my mom and sometimes even school officials just kind of treated me like I was some problem child? I swear it felt like my mom wanted to catch me doing drugs but I never did any, poo poo like that? Like yeah I don't like doing homework every night, homework sucks, doesn't mean I'm smoking the weed and going to shoot up the school OK??

Maybe it was mostly just guilt by association or something but drat that poo poo was obnoxious as gently caress. Like if you're going to treat me like I'm some child criminal either way now I feel like I'm missing out if i'm NOT doing the crimes!

Captain Rufus posted:

Oh poo poo that's the story of my goddamn life at home and beyond. (Which tbf does make me wonder if it's me on some level or at least my way of speaking or mannerisms.)

Like as a kid I was beyond terrified of doing anything remotely wrong as I knew my mom would lose her poo poo. Even though I very rarely did anything really remotely bad outside of not always doing my homework if I didn't understand it.

I had at least two times as a kid where my mother instantly believed others saying really bad lies about me.

Tiggum posted:

The weirdest stories here are the ones where apparently they're still Facebook friends with, still talk on the phone to, and still visit their "estranged" children. What does that even mean?

sithwitch13 posted:

He wrote all of us out of his will and then tried to kill my father in law with a tractor last year. Fun times.

The Bramble posted:

Maybe I need to take a break from this thread lol

Bobbie Wickham posted:

You and me both, friend. It finally dawned on me last night that my first therapist might have reported my mom for child abuse, which would explain why I suddenly stopped seeing him, why she seemed so angry when she told me I wasn't seeing him again, why I had to talk to a social worker at school for two years (which none of my siblings did), and maybe even why that therapist was so detached when my younger sister saw him later. My mother would legit scare other adults, including the elementary school at teacher who bullied all the students--I dearly wish I could've been there for that.

There Bias Two posted:

I had CPS sent to my house as well, and my parents were enraged over it. They really only take action in the worst of the worst cases though.

Vonnegut Asterisk posted:

My mother preemptively told all of us that if CPS was ever called on her that we'd better be dead - this was after I confided in a guidance counselor that all the screaming at night is why I wasn't able to complete my homework and why I tensed up and cried when asked about it by a teacher. The school did me a real service by calling to ask my mom if that was true.

Also, I'm going to take a cue from another poster in here and schedule some therapy. Thanks thread!

Hostile V posted:

As time has gone on I've met more and more folks with worse upbringings than mine and I just want to say that every day you live apart from them and take care of yourself is another day you get one over on the people who hurt you. And one day you're gonna realize you lived free longer than you did when things were bad. I hope that day greets you warmly like an old friend.

I really do wonder why there aren't as many dads or grandparents posting on this forum but I have a feeling that it just boils down to "people who'd qualify as the generations that would make these guys grandparents or dads have institutionalized toxic masculinity not giving them the language to express this kind of stuff to people outside of a close group of friends and loved ones because airing your emotions on a public forum is for women and I'm a loving man". Like fundamentally this is a forum for a book a woman wrote and...yeah. They're probably just on Facebook or hobby forums off-topic pages.

e: wow the author actually addresses this point on the website. https://www.rejectedparents.net/help-for-parents-of-estranged-adult-children-a-note-to-fathers/

Play posted:

I'm sorry if I"m being dense, and if you don't want to talk about it you don't have to, but who's doing this screaming and why?