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I was thinking about my parents, who I really love and admire (for good reason in my mind) and what it would be like if we became estranged. I'm sure they'd be confused and hurt, but I"m equally sure that they would proceed to move on with their lives without me. I'm not necessary to their happiness whatsoevereven though we like having a relationship together. They have their own lives that are their priority, just like my life is my priority. A lot of these folks could really benefit from an attitude like that, but of course they'd take the wrong lesson from it probably.Vonnegut Asterisk posted:Oh, sorry! I think I just put that because it was multitudes. Mom screaming at Dad, Mom screaming at sister, Mom screaming at aunt. Really just the common denominator there. As for the why - usually money, or perceived slights, or just kind of the basic operating volume of communication. Just picturing that makes me want to find a quiet place to relax. Glad you've found yours! Play fucked around with this message at 18:47 on Jul 17, 2019 |
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Jul 17, 2019 18:45
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quote:I have not photoshopped anyone out of photos because I didn’t think of it. I actually think this is a great idea and you should enjoy that photo. I hear shame in your husband’s response, in thinking others will criticize this. Its really shame that a child has estranged not that other people will fuss about a photograph that has been altered. Other people are probably not even going to notice the photo has changed nor will the normal ones care about it. I say enjoy the new version and go about your life.
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Jul 17, 2019 19:40
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Taking a page from Stalin's playbook, nice. 
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Jul 17, 2019 19:46
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teen witch posted:You can’t just sneak this little nugget of WTF and peace out That's pretty much exactly what happened. They live next door to each other on rural property and my in-laws let him know that they were going to be moving his stuff off of a decrepit barn that was on their property over to his. When gramps saw my FIL doing exactly as he said he'd do, he vaulted the fence, turned on the tractor, and ran over my FIL. Said FIL told us this about two months after the fact over chips and queso, while me and the spouse sat in horrified silence. He wasn't too badly hurt, just scraped up from clinging onto the underside of the tractor. He said he kept thinking, "He's not going to do it. Not even HE would do it," until the tractor hit him. We wanted them to press charges, but they settled for a restraining order. Said grandfather has run off everyone who has been by to care for him since his wife (number 4, the one who stuck around because she was a poo poo-stirrer) died and keeps complaining that he's too old and decrepit to move and care for his horrible cows on his own. Apparently attempted murder makes you spry.
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Jul 17, 2019 19:52
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quote:I have found the same thing in 2 of the children I raised, who are the ED. My ES is a step son and he has always valued only the relative who is giving him money. He has let us know how we have failed him and he never mentions money but it’s in his attitude. He is the same age as your ED and never offers to pay anything if we go out to eat or whatever with him. My good son does try to do something, pay or bring over food or drinks if we are cooking. He has an attitude of gratitude but my ED see to feel that I deserve disrespect and to earn it means I have to give. I won’t participate in this ostracizing of me any longer. I value myself too much NOW.
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Jul 17, 2019 20:04
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This thread has way too many things I recognize from my own mom. She did a lot of this poo poo when each of my brothers and I got married. Attack the wife and their family and blame them for making their son estranged. Tell us awful hurtful poo poo and then say it’s not her fault that it hurt our feelings because she didn’t intend for it to be hurtful. Like that loving mattered. I’m the youngest and when it started to happen to me I was prepared due to how my brothers had to deal with it thankfully. We have been able to get things in a better place now with her, but it took about 8 years of work with her and a therapist to get it to a healthy place. Thank god she never found this awful book and message board or we probably would have never gotten her back from the lovely cycle that this stuff causes. My dad was able to help us by being a voice of reason to her in a way that didn’t make him seem to pick a side. Must have been some magic lawyer poo poo he learned in family law as I have no idea how he did it.
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Jul 17, 2019 20:59
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quote:My dear friend was diagnosed with cancer and lost her job the same week. She said to me, Why me? and I said why not you? Tell me what is so special about you — or about ME — that we never suffer and have problems? I was so blunt but she realized that staying stuck in victimhood is not emotionally healthy for any of us. Victimhood won’t help her stay strong and overcome her disease (which she did). Sometimes we lose our selves in that sorrow of the loss and the lack. I apologize for how blunt this is. It took me years and years to get my poop together and I don’t know how else to say it but bluntly. Sending you hugs and blessings your way.
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Jul 17, 2019 21:07
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Where to I sign up to be adopted by one of these rich toxic parents?
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Jul 17, 2019 21:08
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Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:Where to I sign up to be adopted by one of these rich toxic parents? Why do this when you can gently caress someone rich. Seriously.
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Jul 17, 2019 21:10
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MasBrillante posted:Why do this when you can gently caress someone rich. Seriously. My wife would probably get mad.
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Jul 17, 2019 21:33
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Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:My wife would probably get mad. I’d be way loving madder if my husband ruined my carefully cultivated peace but getting our family involved with Mommie Dearest.
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Jul 17, 2019 21:36
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MasBrillante posted:I’d be way loving madder if my husband ruined my carefully cultivated peace but getting our family involved with Mommie Dearest. Yeah, but in this scenario I have a jet-ski.
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Jul 17, 2019 22:02
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quote:Hi zinnia, the sad sick thing about our EC situations is —- we can’t think of them as having rational or realistic ways of being. Why the gift? Very well could be manipulation. I have found that clearly looking at the EC behavior for what it really is helps me stay grounded. My take is that the yelling and hateful words are your EC’s “true self” just as our ES has come over and crapped on us. This is who they are and how they are. We should not expect others to have our values especially when they have shown us they do not. Be wise and be accepting of the behavior you are subjected to as being the real person. My nicer ED likes to say nice stuff like we should get together but it’s meaningless because it’s not going to happen on her part. And if I jump into doing all the work to go visit her, we are boxed into a few hours only. She has the right to do her own thing but I feel I also have to see this with realistic eyes. Not what I want to believe but what is. Jesus Christ. This woman lives in the same city with her daughters, which is why she thinks they should see her all the time. But then she also thinks that if she visits them, she should automatically be invited to stay the night because it’s such an inconvenience. So she refuses to go visit them for “only two hours” or “a few hours only” and then claims that she has NEVER been invited to meet her grandchildren. Since two hours is an insulting amount of time for a visit, it is equivalent to not asking. Then she stews and stews and refuses to respond to texts from he daughters because supposedly they are just trying to “trick her,” “triangulate,” or mock her for being “too eager.”
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Jul 17, 2019 22:11
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A lot of these aren't even estranged from their drat kids. They use "estrangement" to mean, "I'm not getting enough attention." Awful, awful people. Also, I saw this article yesterday and thought about this thread. The original headline when I first saw it was, "Stay At Home Moms at Higher Risk for Dementia." I guess someone got offended and they had to reword it. https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/16/health/women-jobs-memory-loss-study-trnd/index.html
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Jul 17, 2019 22:58
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Mammon Loves You posted:I am struggling with this right now and I simultaneously can't imagine not being in contact with my parents again but at the same time how I would ever be in contact with them again. Well really, how dare you not allow her to manipulate your vacation from afar. It's weird how these people put all this effort into this manipulative poo poo. Being a decent human being legit takes less effort. Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:Where to I sign up to be adopted by one of these rich toxic parents? Are you familiar with the concept of the Wonderful Stranger? I have narcissistic fuckup parents, and one of my support groups brought up this concept. The Wonderful Stranger is someone who the narcissist vents to about all their problems. The Wonderful Stranger is someone kind enough to listen and usually doesn't know any of the family or the narcissist's history. They will believe everything the narcissist has to say, or at least listen politely. Sometimes they'll even start poo poo with the family. The narcissist will lecture their own family or whoever is unlucky enough to walk within speaking distance of them about how wonderful this other person is. It's a little similar to the golden child/scapegoat dynamic, but it reaches outside the immediate family. The Wonderful Stranger might be a neighbor. It might be someone who took pity on them and listened to the narcissist rant for a minute while they were eating alone at McDonald's. If you can somehow become a WS to a narcissist, there's a chance they will leave you everything in a will to spite their own family. Get out there and start chatting up weirdos.
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Jul 17, 2019 23:12
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Finally a retirement plan
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Jul 17, 2019 23:26
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Mammon Loves You posted:I am struggling with this right now and I simultaneously can't imagine not being in contact with my parents again but at the same time how I would ever be in contact with them again. I went on a date with my husband to a museum and I got to hear about how awful I was for not inviting her along for 2 years.
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Jul 17, 2019 23:44
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Bobbie Wickham posted:I think some of the missing fathers from the message board, are the victims of abuse themselves, and either have Stockholm Syndrome, or know drat well why their kids don't call. I think part of it is that generally men and women abuse differently, but yeah, domineering women start with the husband. Just ask my step-mother. Bobbie Wickham posted:You and me both, friend. It finally dawned on me last night that my first therapist might have reported my mom for child abuse, which would explain why I suddenly stopped seeing him, why she seemed so angry when she told me I wasn't seeing him again, why I had to talk to a social worker at school for two years (which none of my siblings did), and maybe even why that therapist was so detached when my younger sister saw him later. My mother would legit scare other adults, including the elementary school at teacher who bullied all the students--I dearly wish I could've been there for that. I was bluntly told that I wasn't given help as a kid because they knew a therapist would call CPS on them.
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Jul 18, 2019 00:17
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Thank you cards are dumbest goddamn thing. Just call me and say thanks, I don't need more useless paper lying around, gently caress.
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Jul 18, 2019 00:57
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Mammon Loves You posted:I am struggling with this right now and I simultaneously can't imagine not being in contact with my parents again but at the same time how I would ever be in contact with them again. The woman who I keep posting quotes from keeps referring to her son’s secret bank account. You’d never know that she’s his stepmom and his estrangement happens to coincide precisely with her marriage to his dad.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:02
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Julius CSAR posted:Thank you cards are dumbest goddamn thing. Just call me and say thanks, I don't need more useless paper lying around, gently caress. Thank you cards are "performative politeness". As in it's an old fashioned thing that is usually done begrudgingly out of obligation with none of the actual sentiment good wishes intended. Which is exactly why parents like this demand them. It is a physical thing that they can force their children to do and keep doing which they can use as a weapon if it is not done. It's also a thing that, even if done dutifully, they can throw back in the childs face to say "you only did this because you are supposed to, not because you love me/are grateful".
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Jul 18, 2019 01:23
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omg it's just being nice you dorks
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Jul 18, 2019 01:24
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^not in context, Pick. BrigadierSensible posted:Thank you cards are "performative politeness". As in it's an old fashioned thing that is usually done begrudgingly out of obligation with none of the actual sentiment good wishes intended. It also seems to be something they repeatedly point to as evidence that they did their “best” to stop their child from growing into the “sociopath” they claim they are.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:24
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it's the same reason you write love letters to your wife, it's not because email doesn't exist yet 
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Jul 18, 2019 01:24
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Pick posted:it's the same reason you write love letters to your wife, it's not because email doesn't exist yet A normal person who received a thank you phone call would be satisfied, but not these people. I for one am not talking about sending thank you cards, which I do. But expecting them and crying about them and cutting people off over them is absolutely nuts.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:26
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true, although that can be so readily defused by "you know what, you're right, I SHOULD have sent you a thank you. I'm really sorry, you raised me better than that. I'll try to do better for you  ". works for at least a week and you can do it over and over.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:28
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Pick posted:it's the same reason you write love letters to your wife, it's not because email doesn't exist yet I've never written a love letter to my wife. Ever. Why have sex with the milk when you can buy the cow for free, am I rite guys?!
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Jul 18, 2019 01:29
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Pick posted:true, although that can be so readily defused by "you know what, you're right, I SHOULD have sent you a thank you. I'm really sorry, you raised me better than that. I'll try to do better for you Probably, unless your mother posts on RP every day literally to recharge her hate crystal, by her own admission.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:31
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quote:Muppet, I got a living ornamentation from the younger ED in today’s delivery. I sent her a similar thing. This is twice now she has sent me basically what I sent her after I sent her gift first. Its nice, it smells good. I don’t know what to think but at least I can laugh. Doesn’t matter if there is a subliminal message to this matching gift, it is what it is. Can’t make this stuff up.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:32
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She's trying to send something she knows her mom likes imo.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:37
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PetraCore posted:She's trying to send something she knows her mom likes imo. No it’s a subliminal message that her gift doesn’t meet expectations because ....?......
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Jul 18, 2019 01:39
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quote:You are working on a plan for emotional wellness as you said focusing on other things and doing fun things for yourself. For our own emotional health, we have to focus on today and detach or let go of what is not in our power to fix. Little by little, day by day. Keep doing what you are doing. I would add, consider writing in a journal each night before bed so that your brain is able to turn off the worrying in the night. Write down your worries and let them consume the paper not your mind. She has already admitted, after so much vagary that she means HIV (duh). I also suspect this aunt is gay or queer; hence the constant references to her being “his friend.” Old southern people believe only millennials are gay and that boomers who participate in gay “activitiessss” are doing it to be “cool.”
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Jul 18, 2019 01:43
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Pick posted:true, although that can be so readily defused by "you know what, you're right, I SHOULD have sent you a thank you. I'm really sorry, you raised me better than that. I'll try to do better for you No that doesnt work, you cant capitulate to these sort of people
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Jul 18, 2019 01:46
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underage at the vape shop posted:No that doesnt work, you cant capitulate to these sort of people And you shouldn’t. I promise you this is not how everyone is living. It’s certainly not poo poo I put up with.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:48
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Yeah and I dont, I havent since I was 12 or so. You absolutely can not give any ground with people like this, it will be weaponised. They are not normal, reasonable adults.
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Jul 18, 2019 01:51
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underage at the vape shop posted:No that doesnt work, you cant capitulate to these sort of people yes you can
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Jul 18, 2019 02:24
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you give them an inch and they take a mile for the rest of your life
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Jul 18, 2019 02:41
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Pick posted:yes you can nah
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Jul 18, 2019 02:41
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i mean you can get away with it at the expense of your dignity, but they will feed off of that too, and when you can't take it anymore and just act normal again, they'll hate you even more you seriously cannot win and your best bet is to keep yourself locked down and leave at the first opportunity
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Jul 18, 2019 02:43
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Pick posted:yes you can The fact you keep posting demonstrates that, no, actually, you can't.
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Jul 18, 2019 02:45
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