MasBrillante posted:

This is some of the creepiest poo poo I’ve ever read.

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Asunder Home

MasBrillante posted:

I have told my 5 children, more then once, all about the day they were born. How happy and excited we were. Estranged children seem to forget it’s not just their birthday but also our day in bringing a new life into the world. As parents, we have equal stake in their birthday – the planning and preparations for the nursery, naming them, holding them close and cuddling them for the first time, those tiny feet and hands, talking to them, falling asleep with them in our arms. I remember all my children’s day of birth. I’m sure my estranged child doesn’t give me any thought on her birthday . I’m sure she doesn’t make any connection but she cannot take away that day of pure joy it was for me.

MasBrillante posted:

For quite some time, I’ve read posts about estrangement involving DILs or SILs and want to start a new thread about these relationships.

Adding a new ‘ingredient’ to any ‘recipe’ will either enhance the outcome or ruin the dish. We know this from years spent in our kitchens. When there’s something ‘wrong’ with whatever is added, too spicy, too cold, outdated, there can be little to do but start over again. Sometimes, the basic ingredients are unavailable and then the menu must be changed.

For whatever the histories, the reasons, the shortcomings or failures in the psyches or character of our estranged,married ‘children,’ adding a spouse to the mix can be, and often is, toxic. Yes, we can put the onus on the new family member, but our adult children bear responsibility too for pulling away or disappearing. Maybe the antidote to the poison in their households is withdrawal or alienation. Perhaps it’s a self-preserving decision. Maybe it’s the only way they can see to save their presence in their children’s lives. I’m offering thoughts, not excuses, none of which are healthy ones. Maybe it isn’t directly about us but we are collateral damage.

We see ourselves, as parents, as the ‘main course’ on an estrangement menu. I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and suggest we are side dishes. This point of view has been the only way I could come to terms, after 17 years, with the damages (bad meals?) in my life with two married sons and ultimately destructive DILs, the mothers of estranged GC.

How many of us had fractious relationships with difficult MILs? Mine was beyond difficult. BUT, she was never excluded, she was a mother/grandmother whose position was respected and it would never have occurred to me to isolate or dismiss her from our lives. If I could I’d write -never-in caps. I am not angling for sainthood here, just presenting a different point of view. The estrangement epidemic in our society tells me our ‘kids’ throw out the dishes and don’t/won’t prepare another one for the table. Why this prevails is attributable to so many ingredients in our world today and for experts to address, not me.

Of course, we Mothers in particular think (believe?) an estrangement is about us. It can be, of course, but more often than not in these marriages it can be about an ingredient in a child that has spoiled. When that’s mixed with another……we know the result.

Healing a wound that will never fully heal requires distance, perspective, new thinking and time. Too much time. It demands that we write new menus for our lives, never the ones we could make with our eyes closed. We will develop new and nurturing recipes, ones that feed us. We will always love those tried and true dishes but know we can’t eat them any longer and feel well.

Our EC who live with difficult, controlling, selfish, immature, neurotic, punishing or mentally ill spouses are living in a hell different than ours. Thinking about their reality, not ours, is a first step in taking care of ourselves, always while recognizing our own heartbreak, honoring our questions about who our child has become, considering the pressures we can’t really know about and acknowledging that we are powerless to change anyone other than ourselves. Only the two people in a marriage know it’s Truth despite the clues others can imagine.

Please don’t misread this as some intellectual exercise. Self-talk only goes so far. Even after 17 yrs of struggle, something in my heart’s ache can produce ‘food poisoning’ but now I can recover much more quickly.

We know we were good Mothers (and Fathers) who didn’t do anything to deserve what we wound up with ( or without). We must turn all the love, nurturing, support and caring we gave our children towards our own brokenness to mend the wound as best as we can. Being here is a beginning.

I hope this post hasn’t offended anyone but that it prompts some thoughtful cyber-dialogue having voices with other points of view.

sweet geek swag posted:

She's afraid her daughter killed herself, as the last thing her daughter texted to her was to tell her kids she loves them. Now whether or not she has reason to believe that is anyones guess, but she seems legitimately worried.

quote:

I have been a mess all day because nobody has heard from her since Saturday when she talked to my sister. She had even sent me a text asking me to please tell her daughters (my granddaughters), that she loves them very much.

Play posted:

That person just revealed, without a hint of understanding, the tools they use to control their children. Guilt, primarily, with a dash of potential tantrum if they don't meet your expectations immediately. Congrats to the seemed child who successfully saw through their bullshit, no your mother doesn't need some stupid measurements right away and if she throws a tantrum that's her problem not yours.


well done


no, you don't. kindly gently caress off. so creepy how they've managed to make another person's birthday completely about them and how THEY felt when they had a child


in which a woman stretches a metaphor to the breaking point and far beyond. Also, that bolded line lol. So brave and understanding of her to state categorically that neither she, nor anyone else on the entire forums, could possibly be to blame


I don't think so. Let's read that part again:


The daughter talked on the phone to the sister on Saturday. On a separate occasion, sometime in the past, she HAD texted that message. I wouldn't be surprised if they were completely different occasions, as in the daughter texted that to her a long time ago and she's just bringing it up as ammunition so she doesn't look completely insane, which she likely is.

mllaneza posted:

It happened to me when I started approaching mom's height; mom's barely over five feet so I was 11-ish. That's when she started making jokes about putting a brick on my head. I was still hearing "You'll always be a child to me." in my late 40s.

Some Bitch posted:

When we are stressed about paying bills and the child runs in the room and wants us to look at their play dough creation for the 5th time and we are trying to save the house or not get the power shut off and we snap at them or act dismissive to their “creativity” and they have hurt feelings, later is this reason for them to say we were “dismissive of their needs”. The other 4 times we were very attentive to the play do creation but those times don’t register, it was when we gave them a “bad feeling” they remember.

LyonsLions posted:

I remember reading one of those mommy blogs that seemed normal enough at first, but a few entries in I got that weird uncanny valley creepy feeling, and soon I discovered that this mom wouldn't let her kids color or paint or do anything artistic like that because "They're not good at it and they're just going to waste the materials, and I need those for meeee." So she would buy crayons and paints and paper and poo poo, and just not allow her children to touch them. Her thing was like why should I encourage their "creativity" when it is going to cost me money/inconvenience me.

That was about 10 years ago, so I expect her to show up on these forums any day now.

02-6611-0142-1 posted:

Why is the daughter-in-laws always evil? Is that a sign of a specific personality disorder? There was one a few pages back where the estranged mother/hell witch blamed multiple daughters-in-law for multiple estrangements that were all separate.

GI_Clutch posted:

It seemed like she was being demonized more for calling him out publicly than him for being racist publicly.

quote:

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a gently caress.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Tunicate posted:

Saint Drogo posted:

someone's rebellious phase is gonna involve a lot of tie dye

Wicker Man posted:

Kid is going to grow up thinking pain is fun and will have the worst taste in everything.

Tunicate posted:

Tunicate posted:

LadyPictureShow posted:

That disembodied head of Miffy/Nijntje will be their best friend... until their parents throw it out.

1redflag posted:

What are they gonna do with all that stuff once they throw their baby away?

Beachcomber posted:

Excellent The Giver roleplaying.

LadyPictureShow posted:

Keep it in pristine condition in the attic; whine online when their EC doesn't want it for their precious grand-baby.

E: When I was 3, I had a stuffed bear I named 'Little Squisher'. He popped a seam and my mom said she would fix him. I asked about when he would be 'okay' at least twice a week for months. One day my dad yelled 'I threw him out!' when I asked. It was because he had a hole, and my mom wasn't bothering to repair it; she'd just put him in a box in the basement.

One time in an argument about him not respecting my things (I was in the hospital, he came to visit and proceeded to go through my apartment and go through/throw out some of my stuff) I said 'You've never given a poo poo about anybody else's stuff; you even threw out Little Squisher. He was my favorite!'
He didn't get my point and got mad that I was 'still hung up' on a toy from twenty years ago.

LadyPictureShow posted:

Keep it in pristine condition in the attic; whine online when their EC doesn't want it for their precious grand-baby.

E: When I was 3, I had a stuffed bear I named 'Little Squisher'. He popped a seam and my mom said she would fix him. I asked about when he would be 'okay' at least twice a week for months. One day my dad yelled 'I threw him out!' when I asked. It was because he had a hole, and my mom wasn't bothering to repair it; she'd just put him in a box in the basement.

One time in an argument about him not respecting my things (I was in the hospital, he came to visit and proceeded to go through my apartment and go through/throw out some of my stuff) I said 'You've never given a poo poo about anybody else's stuff; you even threw out Little Squisher. He was my favorite!'
He didn't get my point and got mad that I was 'still hung up' on a toy from twenty years ago.

MasBrillante posted:

Fuckkkk. One time my mom tried to throw away my bear that my dad had gotten as a replacement for my actual Teddy Bear (the one I was originally attached to, which ended up being returned to me). It’s head was falling off. I was crying hysterically, as I tended to do, and said I would sew her head back on to save her.

My parents let me keep this bear whose head is held onto its body by like five giant uneven loops of thread. As a teenager I hid stuff in its body.

This is because my parents are not broken.

Relentless posted:

Treatment of the kid's favorite toys seems to be one of many canaries in the coal mine.

LadyPictureShow posted:

Keep it in pristine condition in the attic; whine online when their EC doesn't want it for their precious grand-baby.

E: When I was 3, I had a stuffed bear I named 'Little Squisher'. He popped a seam and my mom said she would fix him. I asked about when he would be 'okay' at least twice a week for months. One day my dad yelled 'I threw him out!' when I asked. It was because he had a hole, and my mom wasn't bothering to repair it; she'd just put him in a box in the basement.

One time in an argument about him not respecting my things (I was in the hospital, he came to visit and proceeded to go through my apartment and go through/throw out some of my stuff) I said 'You've never given a poo poo about anybody else's stuff; you even threw out Little Squisher. He was my favorite!'
He didn't get my point and got mad that I was 'still hung up' on a toy from twenty years ago.

Play posted:

That person just revealed, without a hint of understanding, the tools they use to control their children. Guilt, primarily, with a dash of potential tantrum if they don't meet your expectations immediately. Congrats to the seemed child who successfully saw through their bullshit, no your mother doesn't need some stupid measurements right away and if she throws a tantrum that's her problem not yours.


well done


no, you don't. kindly gently caress off. so creepy how they've managed to make another person's birthday completely about them and how THEY felt when they had a child


in which a woman stretches a metaphor to the breaking point and far beyond. Also, that bolded line lol. So brave and understanding of her to state categorically that neither she, nor anyone else on the entire forums, could possibly be to blame


I don't think so. Let's read that part again:


The daughter talked on the phone to the sister on Saturday. On a separate occasion, sometime in the past, she HAD texted that message. I wouldn't be surprised if they were completely different occasions, as in the daughter texted that to her a long time ago and she's just bringing it up as ammunition so she doesn't look completely insane, which she likely is.

sweet geek swag posted:

Yeah, she's really incoherent on another read. Pretty much everything in that post makes very little sense. I think my brain was just tryjng to create a path through that made sense.

Tunicate posted:

quote:

Renewed, I’m sorry that you’re going through this with the rest of us, but glad you’re here as knowing you’re not alone is very helpful.

Speaking as a Christian, my advice to you is to pray that God will soften your child’s heart towards you. Have you ever heard the saying that goes something to the effect of ‘the same water that hardens the egg softens the potato’? Only God can soften someone’s heart and give you grace and favor in their site.

That’s the only reason I believe I have somewhat of a relationship with my son. My ex started turning him against me when he was in grade school so when we split up when he was 9, he refused to live with me. He’ll be 40 later this summer and I’ve been trying to re-establish a relationship for over 30 years. I hear from him when it’s convenient for him. I know if he had his druthers he wouldn’t have a relationship with me as he’s told me so.

For the life of me, I don’t know why God has allowed this to happen to me as I was a good mother and tried to raise my raise in the fear and admonition of the Lord, but my ex overruled me and allowed our son to do whatever he wanted so of course that was who my son wanted to be with. I was ‘the old biddie’ that he didn’t have to listen to. All I can say is that we don’t know why God works in our lives the way he does, and that He can bring great good out of great evil.

I think you have to be emotionally ready to move on, and when you are, it’s like you are finally done with the crying, guilt and shame.

MasBrillante posted:

Yes, I totally believe your 40 year old son still hates you because his dad “turned him against” you when he was in 2nd grade.

Beachcomber posted:

My 35 y.o. wife will never forgive her mom for the loss of both Puppy and Blankie. She put them in the laundry like she was supposed to and somehow they ended up in a donation bag.