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Royal W posted:My mom and grandmother had a lifetime of unresolved hostility and I think my grandma dying without my mom getting the closure she needed to either repair the relationship or put it behind her really hosed her up. The thing is that these people are determined to withhold closure because it’s the only power they have and it’s not going to change even if they live to 100. Wouldn’t it be better to have more years of your life to work through it?
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Aug 5, 2019 05:38
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MasBrillante posted:The thing is that these people are determined to withhold closure because it’s the only power they have and it’s not going to change even if they live to 100. Wouldn’t it be better to have more years of your life to work through it? I can't come up with a response that isn't too E/N or detailed so I'll just quietly agree with you.
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Aug 5, 2019 06:12
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Royal W posted:I can't come up with a response that isn't too E/N or detailed so I'll just quietly agree with you. Not forcing you to share, but there’s an E/N thread that might be best to share it in (or here! Whichever you feel comfortable with) Consider this a safe space.
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Aug 5, 2019 10:31
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Closure from your abuser is a myth, anyway. True closure comes from yourself, coming to terms and making peace with the past and yourself.
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Aug 5, 2019 13:57
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yeah if they were at all inclined to play out whatever closure script you're waiting on you wouldn't have a problem in the first place, and if your mental wellbeing relies on them you're still under their power and not in a headspace where it'd really help even if it did happen
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Aug 5, 2019 14:08
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:Holy gently caress, threatens suicide to get back at her own daughter? That's...wow. Lol my mom used to do this all the time. One time I came home drunk at 22 and she pulled that card so I told her she threatened that too much and when I wanted to die I actually followed through on it and she was a coward, so she got real quiet, let me go to bed and proceeded to call the rest of our family in tears and told them I said she should kill herself. that was a fun time
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Aug 5, 2019 14:34
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I binged this thread over the weekend and my god y'all. I thought my dad screwed me up by running off when I was 9 and pretty much vanishing from my life, but now I feel kinda lucky. (Even though it took me like 20 years to get past it.) It could have been so much worse if he'd stayed. I guess we're technically estranged because if he tried to contact me now I'd ignore it. I doubt he's posting on forums like that, but I'd bet he tells similar deluded stories. Also like someone said earlier I'm glad my mom died before Facebook and Fox News could rot her brain.
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Aug 5, 2019 14:44
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Dirt Road Junglist posted:Holy gently caress, threatens suicide to get back at her own daughter? That's...wow. Mine did.
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Aug 5, 2019 15:17
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Picnic Princess posted:Mine did. Jeez man, is this a thing, cuz I thought it was just mine. Age 9ish I remember her walking out the door down the street to the hospital. She told me they would kill her at her request and that it was all my fault. I was pulling at her clothes, screaming and crying, and that was clearly her objective. She denies this action to this day.
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Aug 5, 2019 15:24
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GCU Quelle Suprise posted:Jeez man, is this a thing, cuz I thought it was just mine. Age 9ish I remember her walking out the door down the street to the hospital. She told me they would kill her at her request and that it was all my fault. I was pulling at her clothes, screaming and crying, and that was clearly her objective. She denies this action to this day. I wasn't told directly, my aunt informed me that my mom wanted to kill herself because she failed as a parent since I'm not the kind of daughter I'm supposed to be. Fun times to know someone wants to die because you're a disappointment amd not good enough, let me tell you.
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Aug 5, 2019 15:43
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Bobbie Wickham posted:Closure from your abuser is a myth, anyway. True closure comes from yourself, coming to terms and making peace with the past and yourself. this is important not to just blow past. there literally is no closure. your parents/whomever could come to you with their hat in hand and grovel for forgiveness while completely accepting responsibility and it won't make you feel any better because it doesn't change anything
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Aug 5, 2019 18:38
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teen witch posted:Not forcing you to share, but there’s an E/N thread that might be best to share it in (or here! Whichever you feel comfortable with) It's not really my story to tell, and I don't know enough of the details to not editorialize what happened between my mom and her mom. All I can do now is learn from them, and from how my mom treated me, and be mindful of how I'm raising my own kid so I can hopefully break the cycle. One year down, only all the rest of them to go!
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Aug 5, 2019 18:50
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 might pop this in the OP E: holy gently caress imgur got loving wretched
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Aug 5, 2019 19:05
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Picnic Princess posted:Mine did. Oh good gods, I'm so sorry. Mine would threaten to kill herself or 'just go away and leave you' and it gutted me every time. I'm so very sorry she did that. It was cruel and irresponsible and you're NOT to blame, not at all! drat. I wish I could make you tea and give you a hug.
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Aug 5, 2019 19:38
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MongolArcher posted:Oh good gods, I'm so sorry. Mine didn't ever threaten to leave me behind. She did send me away though. Halfway through sixth grade, a decision was reached (that I had some coached input in) that I was just too much to handle for my mom and maybe I should try living with my dad for awhile. So I packed a suitcase, the whole rest of my life was put in boxes, and a mentally unwell 11-year old was abruptly placed in the care of a mentally unwell 40-year old who hadn't been a hands-on, active parent in nearly a decade. While I was there, I suddenly became 'so well behaved.' Upon reflection, and reading this thread, I think I realized that I fell into the "if you have emotions and you act on them, you'll get sent away" mindset, so that's why my 'outbursts' stopped. I was with my dad through middle school, and then it was decided (this time without my input) that I would actually be better off back with my mom. So, once again I was packed up and sent off, nominally to spend the summer at my mom's, like I had been doing. Only this time She told me when I got there "By the way, your dad thinks its best if you stay with me from now on".
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Aug 5, 2019 19:53
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Antivehicular posted:This is making me wonder about the Venn-diagram overlap for RP posters of "was callous about or careless with their children's possessions, don't understand why their children are still hung up on 'just toys' decades later" and "will hold grudges for years as a grown-rear end adult based on poo poo like wording on birthday cards." I suspect it is a circle. My parents.... well, anyway ......
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Aug 5, 2019 20:46
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Bobbie Wickham posted:Closure from your abuser is a myth, anyway. True closure comes from yourself, coming to terms and making peace with the past and yourself. Yeah. Getting over an abusive childhood is a grieving process. The good thing about grieving is that you do it at your own pace, and you don't need anybody else's permission.
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Aug 5, 2019 21:37
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MongolArcher posted:Oh good gods, I'm so sorry. Oh drat, sorry, I didn't mean she actually went through with it. She just threatened to as a means of making me feel guilty for not wanting to fight about poo poo that happened 30 years ago and not texting her enough. SulfurMonoxideCute fucked around with this message at 22:13 on Aug 5, 2019 |
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Aug 5, 2019 22:10
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quote:Lately I found sheet music which is about half a century or more old. My ED teaches piano lessons (and yes, this is part of what she was given growing up…I had to mention it…Yeesh, better left unsaid than to make that comment but couldn’t help myself)….and so I put them in a bubble mailer, sent them to where I think they are living, put the return address of the post office asking them to let me know if they are returned. So far, haven’t heard they have been. One can get pretty desperate or devious in how one does things with an EC. quote:I neglected to mention the sheet music was from my own days of taking piano lessons and were placed in the music bench which my ED used as well as a child and which was my parent’s piano.
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Aug 6, 2019 02:27
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I think the idea is to remind her daughter that mom is in fact responsible for her success in life. Narcissist mom could also just be getting rid of some trash in the most convoluted way possible. Who knows!
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Aug 6, 2019 03:11
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trickybiscuits posted:I have no idea what any of this was supposed to do! 1) I know and understand my daughter so much because I remember that she used to take piano lessons, (lessons that I GAVE TO her), many many years ago. This shows I am a good parent. 2) Despite all the pain she has caused me I want my daughter to be happy, so I am sending her something I know she would like, (Even after they are adults, all kids like exactly the same stuff they were told to like as kids.) 3) I am checking up on whether or not it gets returned/delivered because in truth I neither know or care about my daughter, and what I really want to do is make it about me and MY unasked for, invasive gesture.
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Aug 6, 2019 03:13
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boar guy posted:this is important not to just blow past. there literally is no closure. At least I would get the satisfaction of calling her an awful hosed up person who failed me completely and made me hosed up too. Some chance of closure is better than none at all ya know?
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Aug 6, 2019 04:42
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Captain Rufus posted:At least I would get the satisfaction of calling her an awful hosed up person who failed me completely and made me hosed up too. Some chance of closure is better than none at all ya know? Trust me, you don't get any satisfaction.
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Aug 6, 2019 04:50
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quote:Hi All, She means connected to as in she already sought and dismissed their services...
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Aug 6, 2019 05:34
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I’m pretty cognizant of my poo poo as I dismiss this paid professional’s advice in favor of the random observations of an internet message board full of people whose own children won’t speak to them.
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Aug 6, 2019 05:39
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Hmmmmm... https://youtu.be/3iFxUCSTfRU
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Aug 6, 2019 06:15
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The counselor wanted me to reflect upon my actions and acknowledge concrete things I did wrong, but that makes me uncomfortable and sad, so I don't want to. Internet people, please tell me that it's useless to do that, so I don't have to do any hard work or feel bad.
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Aug 6, 2019 06:26
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This woman actually posted a couple times years ago things to the effect of “I think I need to take some responsibility.” Let’s see what happened! OP quote:Sheri, quote:Rainbow, smart woman you are not to bash. OP again quote:TeburyCastle, Oh yeah, the Grand High Witch offers writing coaching events and even reads and edits letters to the estranged children. So presumably some people try to be a little human, and she line edits that right out:
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Aug 6, 2019 06:27
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MasBrillante posted:
Hey leave us witches out of it! We try and admit our faults, unlike these monsters.
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Aug 6, 2019 06:46
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teen witch posted:Hey leave us witches out of it! We try and admit our faults, unlike these monsters. I wasn’t just talking about any witch; I was talking about this one!  But my apologies I shan’t slander anymore witches because of this childhood nightmare.
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Aug 6, 2019 06:55
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Be coached just how you coached your kids!
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Aug 6, 2019 07:07
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My dad had a huge meltdown when I decided to move 3000 miles away. After I "got too big" for physical abuse, it was mental abuse and guilt tripping for my entire childhood and adolescence. I find the complete lack of empathy I've developed gives me extreme resolve when my two year old is having a fit, especially in public. Child, you haven't seen poo poo. You can't outlast me. My wife can't stand my zen disregard of what strangers might think of the sight. Give in to my patience, young grasshopper.
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Aug 6, 2019 07:11
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MasBrillante posted:I wasn’t just talking about any witch; I was talking about this one! You leave the blessed names of Frank Oz, Anjelica Houston and Roald Dahl, even if he hated it, out of your mortal mouth!
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Aug 6, 2019 08:01
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I want to go in that forum and suggest these people write a letter to their child's father-in-law explaining how his daughter is a horrible person who stole their son away. You know, like my mother.
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Aug 6, 2019 11:15
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BrigadierSensible posted:1) I know and understand my daughter so much because I remember that she used to take piano lessons, (lessons that I GAVE TO her), many many years ago. This shows I am a good parent.
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Aug 6, 2019 14:00
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MasBrillante posted:This might help clarify some things. Or maybe make them more confusing, I don’t know: My plan, for whenever my balls dry up and I'm riding out into the twilight with whatever vaporous hormones are donating motivation to do anything, is play me some god drat video games. I have a personal goal of not falling behind the technology curve when I've eventually got grandkids to school in SoulCalibur 18 or whatever's out in that distant decade.
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Aug 6, 2019 14:50
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if i knew my mother was honestly, sincerely remorseful for the things she's done, and legit wanted to make amends, i would hear her out. even after everything i've described. but that's not the reality of the situation, and there's no way i could know she was on the level with any real certainty. god knows she's done the "make up, then gradually increase the awfulness until everything snaps again" thing too many times. that probably makes me a sap. i don't think anyone really wants to lose their parents, which makes estrangement that much more significant, and sad
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Aug 6, 2019 15:06
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Someone who spends 18+ years doing the same wrong things day in day out without realising or questioning it is not going to come to a big revelation. That is who they are.
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Aug 6, 2019 15:09
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vortmax posted:I binged this thread over the weekend and my god y'all. I thought my dad screwed me up by running off when I was 9 and pretty much vanishing from my life, but now I feel kinda lucky. (Even though it took me like 20 years to get past it.) It could have been so much worse if he'd stayed. I guess we're technically estranged because if he tried to contact me now I'd ignore it. I doubt he's posting on forums like that, but I'd bet he tells similar deluded stories. Yeah it can always have been worse
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Aug 6, 2019 15:10
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Ghost Leviathan posted:Someone who spends 18+ years doing the same wrong things day in day out without realising or questioning it is not going to come to a big revelation. That is who they are. yeah. exactly
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Aug 6, 2019 15:25
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