Rejected Parents: if you can't figure it out you don't deserve a blog

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Rejected Parents: if you can't figure it out you don't deserve a blog

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SidneyIsTheKiller: Jul 16, 2019; I did fall asleep reading a particularly erotic chapter
in my grandmother's journal.

She wrote very detailed descriptions of her experiences...

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Rejected Parents: Not one person in my family stood up for us�NOT ONE PERSON!!!!

# ? Aug 15, 2019 22:12

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# ? Apr 20, 2024 03:35

Xik: Mar 10, 2011; Dinosaur Gum

I physically assaulted my adult son and no one in the family is on my side!

# ? Aug 16, 2019 00:32

knox_harrington: Feb 18, 2011; Running no point.

Hard to say exactly what's going on here but I ma getting very RP vibes from this grandparent:

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/ask-tanya-byron-our-controlling-son-in-law-has-turned-our-grandchildren-against-us-frp0snn3j

quote:

Q My daughter lives in financial distress most of the time with a man who has been able to feign long-term sickness more than he has worked over the decade that she has been married to him. In that time she has had four children, but physically and emotionally she has become exhausted.

Unfortunately, my constant advice to her and criticisms of her husband have put a wedge between us, but she has refused to see his lying and deceitfulness and controlling ways.

The last straw was his decision to home-school my grandchildren, allowing him to keep complete control over their lives and further my daughter�s need to have him at home to help her.

My daughter and her husband were deemed special-needs pupils at school and struggled with their education. That fact, plus several others, made my husband and me certain that they could not possibly give the children a decent education at home or the social skills they needed to cope in the wider world. Neighbours have complained about his out-of-control methods with the children � shouting, yanking hair.

We thought we must advocate for our grandchildren, but when we sat down with their parents for a calm but questioning discussion about home-schooling they felt attacked. Soon after this confrontation the parents turned our lovely grandchildren against us, which is so sad � they were always so thrilled to visit us. My daughter said they felt uncomfortable to leave them alone with us now because we drilled the children in academic matters, forcing them to try to read. That is so untrue and it�s alarming that they have brainwashed the children to believe this. My daughter insisted that from now on we could only see them with her and her husband present.

At that point I told her that for the children�s emotional safety we were finished with trying to have normal happy visits, fearing that every time they returned home the parents would upset and confuse them more.

Was I right to do so? I miss my daughter and my grandchildren, as does my husband. We worry about them.
Kitty

quote:

A You clearly have a number of concerns, not just for your daughter, but also for your grandchildren. Indeed, you outline a number of significant concerns: for your daughter, who is in a relationship with a man you describe as �controlling� and who is under physical, emotional and financial stresses; and for the children�s safety, wellbeing and education. These issues require careful thought and perhaps, as appropriate, for you to take decisive action regardless of what your daughter and son-in-law think.

I think the first issue to consider is your relationship with your daughter. If she is as vulnerable as you perceive her to be, she will require your supportive presence. Therefore, I am curious as to why your approach has been, as you describe it, to give �constant advice and criticisms of her husband�. This may have added to her stress, made her feel defensive and resulted in what you are now experiencing: increasing estrangement from her and your grandchildren.

It is understandable that you would have plenty to say about a son-in-law whom you perceive as lazy and controlling, but strategically (in terms of how you support your daughter and enable her to manage a very stressful set-up) that may not be the right approach. Indeed, you may worry that she is so under the control of her partner that your anxiety compels you to push your opinions home. But, given that she is with a man who may have a level of coercive control over her, I don�t think your overt criticism will do anything more than alienate you.

Coercive control, which is a criminal offence, occurs when one partner dominates, manipulates and isolates the other partner in order to have absolute power and authority. This can take many forms (eg humiliation, assault, threats) and creates such fear that any action to challenge it feels impossible. If, therefore, you do fear that your daughter is being coercively controlled, you need to stay close so you can monitor what could be a situation where she or the children are at risk.

My overriding advice is that you try to rekindle the relationship, dial down the criticisms and provide a safe, supportive relationship for your daughter. If your relationship with her becomes less fraught, in time she would be more likely to ask you for your advice and support rather than feeling judged. For more information see the domestic abuse charity Women�s Aid at bit.ly/2YzZfoE.

If you have evidence of threatening behaviour that puts your daughter at risk, you need to take action and call the police. This obviously sits against my advice to reconnect the relationship and be there for your daughter and grandchildren. However, risk is risk and it needs to be addressed immediately. This is particularly pertinent when children are in danger of abuse or neglect. So if you have safeguarding concerns based on what the neighbours have reported, and a concern that the home-schooling is part of the coercive control and an attempt to isolate your daughter and grandchildren further, I advise that you contact your council�s social care team (see https://www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse-to-local-council). Or, if you want to discuss your concerns and get advice, contact the NSPCC on 0808 8005000, email help@nspcc.org.uk or visit nspcc.org.uk. All reports can be made anonymously. See also Action for Children at bit.ly/2Tim22c.

Finally, to address your concerns about home-schooling, you will be reassured to know that the council can make an �informal inquiry� to check that a child is getting a suitable education at home. If this is assessed not to be the case, the council can serve a school attendance order for the child to return to school. You can find more information at bit.ly/2uFq0GL.

I do encourage that you stay close, accept the status quo (unless there is any sense of risk to your family) and reconnect as loving grandparents who can offer your daughter and grandchildren an alternative to what they may be experiencing at home without any sense of judgment. If you can achieve this, your grandchildren will benefit from your love and wisdom, and your daughter will feel safe enough to ask for your advice if and when she wants or needs to.
proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk

# ? Aug 16, 2019 13:25

Beachcomber: May 21, 2007; Another day in paradise.; Slippery Tilde

I don't know anyone who had more than two siblings that didn't have a miserable childhood.

# ? Aug 16, 2019 15:25

object-a: Aug 3, 2019; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

i'm a NeXT baby

# ? Aug 16, 2019 15:49

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

Telemaze posted:

That's a hell of a thing to reminisce about. Like drat I know these people are hosed up but seeing one be that open about it is genuinely disturbing.

Lol when a bunch of my family got together at a cousin's for Christmas a few years ago, there was a news story about a mother who had murdered her adult child going around. My mom was drunk and talking about it with my second cousin and I overheard her say "you know sometimes I understand it" so Merry Fuckin Christmas to me. Woooooooooo.

# ? Aug 16, 2019 18:14

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

My mum once told me that Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes was eventually murdered by his parents.

# ? Aug 16, 2019 18:18

big cummers ONLY: Jul 17, 2005; I made a series of bad investments. Tarantula farm. The bottom fell out of the market.

Picnic Princess posted:

Lol when a bunch of my family got together at a cousin's for Christmas a few years ago, there was a news story about a mother who had murdered her adult child going around. My mom was drunk and talking about it with my second cousin and I overheard her say "you know sometimes I understand it" so Merry Fuckin Christmas to me. Woooooooooo.

Time to start leaving brochures for really low-end retirement homes around her place

# ? Aug 16, 2019 18:23

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

big cummers ONLY posted:

Time to start leaving brochures for really low-end retirement homes around her place

I'll have to sneak them into her mailbox because we've been no contact for almost a year and a half now. And it's been wonderful. She has a LOT of emotional baggage that she expected me to manage, she put zero effort into maintaining a relationship and straight up told me it's the child's job to do so, and man oh man did she ever project her insecurities on me. She's a dictionary narcissist with a victim complex and I can't be the one to fix her. Especially after battling a debilitating illness for the past 3 years, of which she stated it was so hard on her, won't I think about how much it sucks for her to know I have to deal with this? SHE needs MY support, not the other way around.

March last year she said she didn't want to talk to me until I got better, and now that I am better, she doesn't know and I want to keep it that way. I want to enjoy life for a while now that I have a second chance.

# ? Aug 16, 2019 18:47

Slaan: Mar 16, 2009; ASHERAH DEMANDS I FEAST, I VOTE FOR A FEAST OF FLESH

Ghost Leviathan posted:

My mum once told me that Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes was eventually murdered by his parents.

Anyone that doesn't love and deeply connect to Calvin on an intense level has got to be broken

# ? Aug 16, 2019 21:30

Clitch: Feb 26, 2002; I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

Ghost Leviathan posted:

My mum once told me that Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes was eventually murdered by his parents.

Calvin's parents would turn off Dr. Phil after five minutes and give him a hundred dollars.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 04:25

Rime: Nov 2, 2011; by Games Forum

So this is where Mumsnet users end up when they age out, right?

# ? Aug 17, 2019 04:45

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

Forgive the silliness of this post, I am not trying to diminish any of the real trauma that parents like this inflict on their kids:

But I recently re-watched Home Alone and Home Alone 2, and I think that were she real, the mum in that would be a prime candidate for this site.

She abandoned/neglected one of her children, all the while favouring the other kids and telling the neglected one that it was his fault. On multiple occasions. Then once she realizes her mistake, and she does the bare minimum that decency would allow, (tries to get back to her kid), she makes it all about HER and how good/bad a mopther she is, and more importantly how bad a mother other people will think she is.

All while Kevin, who at the beginning is a coddled child who has been kept reliant on his family by them doing everything for him, learns self reliance, and independence.

I can definitely see, a grown up Kevin living as far away from his mum, (I am not even mentioning the rest of his family who are also awful), and keeping contact to a minimum, and on his terms. Whilst his mum cries and gnashes her teeth about her baby boy being estranged, and totally handwaves away the two times they actively forgot about him and left him stranded by himself forced to battle hardened criminals who mean him physical harm as "oh, they were just little things. It wasn't my fault. You know I love you." All the while at the big extended family gatherings bad mouthing Kevin as being "too sensitive and should get over it, why can't he just get along with the rest of us?"

# ? Aug 17, 2019 05:14

bell jar: Feb 25, 2009

Rejected Parents: Keep The Change, Ya Filthy Animal

# ? Aug 17, 2019 05:45

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

The Home Alone kid almost definitely ends up living in some deathtrap bunker in the woods. Or possibly becomes a cat burglar. Now there's a sequel idea.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 06:22

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Clitch posted:

Calvin's parents would turn off Dr. Phil after five minutes and give him a hundred dollars.

I mean hell, there's literally a whole arc about how Calvin broke something expensive and spends the whole time worrying and beating himself up over it. That happens a couple times actually. There's how many r/relationships stories about clearly troubled kids who deliberately break expensive poo poo (or just everything they can get their hands on) for the lulz and show no remorse?

# ? Aug 17, 2019 06:25

Telemaze: Apr 22, 2008; What you expected hasn't happened.; Fun Shoe

Beachcomber posted:

I don't know anyone who had more than two siblings that didn't have a miserable childhood.

I don't think there's a magic number of children that makes this happen. I have four siblings and my childhood was pretty awesome, even though we were low income. Having parents who love and want you makes a lot of difference.

Picnic Princess posted:

Lol when a bunch of my family got together at a cousin's for Christmas a few years ago, there was a news story about a mother who had murdered her adult child going around. My mom was drunk and talking about it with my second cousin and I overheard her say "you know sometimes I understand it" so Merry Fuckin Christmas to me. Woooooooooo.

Jesus, I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Hearing about parents act this way is heartbreaking to me.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 06:43

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Rockbear posted:

She literally thinks she can bully her way through anything. If she's just mean and loud and crazy enough, she'll ultimately get her way.

Imagine "I want to speak to your manager" as a general interpersonal communication strategy.

My mom exhibits a cognitive distortion that I think drives most (maybe all) of these people:

"If I am in pain then I am the victim."

Our estrangement hurts her, so she is the victim and it is my fault.

Not hearing from me on mother's day hurts her, so no matter the extenuating circumstances, she is the victim and it is my fault.

Of course, if she is the victim, then I am by default the victimizer. From this flawed perspective, quietly moving on with my life is a form of abusive behavior.

Since I'm abusing her, it's perfectly reasonable that she's filled with rage toward me. It's perfectly reasonable to get drunk and then stand in my yard screaming obscenities at 2am. I'm hurting her every day! I deserve much worse!

This one distortion is so toxic that nothing can grow while it remains in the soil. Until she corrects this fundamental misunderstanding, there is no possibility for reconciliation.

Not holding my breath.

My dad killed himself last February and even though I hated him for a lot of things if he told anyone he had loving cancer I would have made the trip out to say goodbye.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 07:36

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I mean hell, there's literally a whole arc about how Calvin broke something expensive and spends the whole time worrying and beating himself up over it. That happens a couple times actually. There's how many r/relationships stories about clearly troubled kids who deliberately break expensive poo poo (or just everything they can get their hands on) for the lulz and show no remorse?

But the point of the Calvin and Hobbes comics where he breaks something, and beats himself up about it is that Calvin's parents care less about the thing, and more about their son. And whilst they do get mad, and sometimes punish him, it's OK, and they still love him and won't hurt him just over a thing. And Calvin himself feels remorse, as opposed to just fear of punishment/of his parents.

It is the exact opposite of an Estranged Parent who would go "my daughter was always wild, and once knocked over a vase. So I never let her near anything valuable imn the house again, and always reminded her how much I loved that vase over the next 25 years. Why does she only call me once a year, and why is she so timid and apologetic every time she calls? Can't she see the pain she is causing me?"

# ? Aug 17, 2019 07:36

teen witch: Oct 9, 2012

BrigadierSensible posted:

Forgive the silliness of this post, I am not trying to diminish any of the real trauma that parents like this inflict on their kids:

But I recently re-watched Home Alone and Home Alone 2, and I think that were she real, the mum in that would be a prime candidate for this site.

She abandoned/neglected one of her children, all the while favouring the other kids and telling the neglected one that it was his fault. On multiple occasions. Then once she realizes her mistake, and she does the bare minimum that decency would allow, (tries to get back to her kid), she makes it all about HER and how good/bad a mopther she is, and more importantly how bad a mother other people will think she is.

All while Kevin, who at the beginning is a coddled child who has been kept reliant on his family by them doing everything for him, learns self reliance, and independence.

I can definitely see, a grown up Kevin living as far away from his mum, (I am not even mentioning the rest of his family who are also awful), and keeping contact to a minimum, and on his terms. Whilst his mum cries and gnashes her teeth about her baby boy being estranged, and totally handwaves away the two times they actively forgot about him and left him stranded by himself forced to battle hardened criminals who mean him physical harm as "oh, they were just little things. It wasn't my fault. You know I love you." All the while at the big extended family gatherings bad mouthing Kevin as being "too sensitive and should get over it, why can't he just get along with the rest of us?"

Funny thing about bringing up Home Alone - Kit Culkin was a horrendous father to his kids, like Mack is estranged from his father, I think the entire Culkin family is.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 08:11

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

The end of Skyfall but it's Kevin's booby trapped house and M is his mom who's pissed off the sticky mafia and so she turns to her estranged survivalist son for protection

# ? Aug 17, 2019 11:12

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

teen witch posted:

Funny thing about bringing up Home Alone - Kit Culkin was a horrendous father to his kids, like Mack is estranged from his father, I think the entire Culkin family is.

IIRC Home Alone was a massive case of stage dad to the point where Chris Columbus made sure to look out for and avoid overbearing stage parents when casting the Harry Potter movies because of how bad an experience it was for all involved.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 11:18

Clitch: Feb 26, 2002; I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

purple death ray posted:

The end of Skyfall but it's Kevin's booby trapped house and M is his mom who's pissed off the sticky mafia and so she turns to her estranged survivalist son for protection

gently caress, I'd watch that.

It has to be Mac, Catherine O'Hara, Joe Pesci, and Daniel Stern, though. Tim Curry's concierge in the Javier Bardem role. No funding until they're all committed.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 21:00

pentyne: Nov 7, 2012

Ghost Leviathan posted:

IIRC Home Alone was a massive case of stage dad to the point where Chris Columbus made sure to look out for and avoid overbearing stage parents when casting the Harry Potter movies because of how bad an experience it was for all involved.

Aren't most parents of actors/singers etc like that? Even the ones not living through their child they expect to have control and authority every step of the way.

Getting into business with family is the only worse thing then your friends. Everyone expects you to be all "blood is thicker then water" if you are cheated abused or taken advantage over by a relative.

# ? Aug 17, 2019 23:34

Bonster: Mar 3, 2007; Keep rolling, rolling

BrigadierSensible posted:

But the point of the Calvin and Hobbes comics where he breaks something, and beats himself up about it is that Calvin's parents care less about the thing, and more about their son. And whilst they do get mad, and sometimes punish him, it's OK, and they still love him and won't hurt him just over a thing. And Calvin himself feels remorse, as opposed to just fear of punishment/of his parents.

It is the exact opposite of an Estranged Parent who would go "my daughter was always wild, and once knocked over a vase. So I never let her near anything valuable imn the house again, and always reminded her how much I loved that vase over the next 25 years. Why does she only call me once a year, and why is she so timid and apologetic every time she calls? Can't she see the pain she is causing me?"

Calvin wrecks his family car and is freaking out and convinced his parents will hate him, and they're realistically upset but stress that it's more out of fear that he was hurt, and the car can be replaced. They're honestly pretty great parents when it comes to the big things, like when the baby bird dies.

# ? Aug 18, 2019 00:03

Inspector Gesicht: Oct 26, 2012; 500 Zeus a body.

I thought that was a raccoon.

# ? Aug 18, 2019 00:11

aardwolf: Apr 27, 2013

Ghost Leviathan posted:

The Home Alone kid almost definitely ends up living in some deathtrap bunker in the woods. Or possibly becomes a cat burglar. Now there's a sequel idea.

https://twitter.com/IncredibleCulk/status/1159215737006804993/

# ? Aug 18, 2019 00:21

Sankara: Jul 18, 2008

My mother stole the identity of myself and my sister. Neither of us talk to her, haven't in... a decade! Wow. Time flies. I wonder if she's one of the parents on here...

# ? Aug 18, 2019 09:44

teen witch: Oct 9, 2012

Doctor Reynolds posted:

My mother stole the identity of myself and my sister. Neither of us talk to her, haven't in... a decade! Wow. Time flies. I wonder if she's one of the parents on here...

From what I�ve seen on some subreddits that get crossposted to the r/relationships thread, this is way more common than I thought and oftentimes kids don�t know until way later.

# ? Aug 18, 2019 09:55

kakotheres: Nov 9, 2016; Do the job that is in front of you

teen witch posted:

From what I’ve seen on some subreddits that get crossposted to the r/relationships thread, this is way more common than I thought and oftentimes kids don’t know until way later.

I had no idea my mom had been taking out credit cards in my name since I was a kid ( the 80s were lax on security) and then I went to get my first card and wondered why my credit score was so awful.

Unfortunately I am weak and I love my dad too much to stop talking to my mom. One day she will die and I will rejoice. (she was super abusive to me growing up in a myriad of ways also)

# ? Aug 18, 2019 11:31

yippeekiyaymf: May 16, 2002; You seriously have issues.

Go catch more racoons in a net and step away from the computer.

My mother told me a few months ago that she has disagreed with every one of my life choices - from college major to jobs to husband, to even hair cuts.

That was a really fun call.

# ? Aug 18, 2019 11:43

Lord Stimperor: Jun 13, 2018; I'm a lovable meme.

mllaneza posted:

"That never happened."

That's mom's response to literally anything I bring up as her having damaged our relationship. She doesn't even have the courtesy to pretend to think about it, it's an instant response. If I press I get "If I don't remember it, it never happened."

The poor woman has no idea why she doesn't see me as often as she wants.

My best exchanges go like this:

Me: "Do you remember how grandpa beat my sister black and blue when she talked back?"

Her: "Haha, yes you kids sure we're an unruly bunch, weren't you. Good times!"

# ? Aug 18, 2019 11:49

God Hole: Mar 2, 2016

BrigadierSensible posted:

Forgive the silliness of this post, I am not trying to diminish any of the real trauma that parents like this inflict on their kids:

But I recently re-watched Home Alone and Home Alone 2, and I think that were she real, the mum in that would be a prime candidate for this site.

She abandoned/neglected one of her children, all the while favouring the other kids and telling the neglected one that it was his fault. On multiple occasions. Then once she realizes her mistake, and she does the bare minimum that decency would allow, (tries to get back to her kid), she makes it all about HER and how good/bad a mopther she is, and more importantly how bad a mother other people will think she is.

All while Kevin, who at the beginning is a coddled child who has been kept reliant on his family by them doing everything for him, learns self reliance, and independence.

I can definitely see, a grown up Kevin living as far away from his mum, (I am not even mentioning the rest of his family who are also awful), and keeping contact to a minimum, and on his terms. Whilst his mum cries and gnashes her teeth about her baby boy being estranged, and totally handwaves away the two times they actively forgot about him and left him stranded by himself forced to battle hardened criminals who mean him physical harm as "oh, they were just little things. It wasn't my fault. You know I love you." All the while at the big extended family gatherings bad mouthing Kevin as being "too sensitive and should get over it, why can't he just get along with the rest of us?"

dynamic changes a bit sometimes when the family is rich. Good chance kevin would grin and bear the abuse for a few decades waiting for that sweet sweet inheritance to come rolling in

# ? Aug 18, 2019 15:11

Defiance Industries: Jul 22, 2010; A five-star manufacturer

You can tell Kevin's family were assholes when they didn't know one person in the entire city of Chicago who would look in on their kid.

# ? Aug 18, 2019 18:07

Ebola Roulette: Sep 13, 2010; No matter what you ~~win~~ ~~lose~~ ragepiss.

Kerro posted:

I'd really recommend reading anything Janet Lansbury has written, she has a great website and I think offers a really clear, coherent perspective on what our goal should be as parents, and what we can practically do to achieve that. So much of it simply comes down to not invalidating our children's experience - that even when there is a clash of wills, or where we have to overrule what they might want, we can do it calmly and with an acknowledgement of the feelings they have about it. So much is implicitly communicated when we do this - that we see them, and that our love for them is not dependent on them doing the right things or feeling a particular way, that we can care about them and listen to them even when we are in conflict.

From what you describe specifically, freezing in response to aggression very much is a defense mechanism - it signals a rise in anxiety which triggers the fight/flight (leaving before it gets worse)/freeze system. The function of anxiety (when it's operating correctly) is to warn us of a threat, and I'm guessing that for you historically having that anxiety response would have served an important survival function to help you manage a very real threat. Unfortunately of course as an independent adult and a parent yourself it stops being so useful, as it's now responding to triggers that don't in reality carry the threat that aggression once would have done (having your kids or partner get angry vs having an abusive parent get angry when we're too young or to caught in the pattern to defend ourselves).

If you're able to access therapy, that's the sort of thing that it can be very helpful in addressing. Probably the majority of the patients I work with are in one way or another seeking help because they developed systems of anxiety or attachment patterns that were necessary as children (either because they were crucial to cope, or simply because their parents didn't allow them to function in any other way) but which are devastating when they are still operating as adults.

Regarding your last point - while it can certainly be helpful to learn ways to defuse things when you clash, it's not the only important thing. Just as important is being able to reconnect afterwards - being able to apologise, reflect together on what went wrong, and express care and compassion for each other can go an enormous way to repairing any harm cause by conflict or rupture to the relationship. If anything, it's a crucial part of modelling that people can get angry at each other and have disagreement and conflict, and that it doesn't change the love that they have for each other - that anger and love are not mutually exclusive. Part of the harm caused by narcissistic parents is the unwillingness to take responsibility, acknowledge fault and apologise, particularly when the children are younger. As younger kids we implicitly assume that the way our parents are treating us is correct and for our own good, and so by default if they never acknowledge fault, our default assumption becomes that there was something wrong with us, that we were to blame. We can then easily go into life believing that 'the way they made me feel must be the right way for me to feel', and end up recreating that same experience, or feeling anxiety about anything that clashes with that experience (e.g. feeling happy, proud of ourselves etc). So sure, focus on developing better ways to manage conflict, but equally focus on learning to repair and reconnect (including taking responsibility and apologising) when things go wrong.

This. All of this.

I think the key to not being a lovely parent boils down to:
1. Acknowledging and taking responsibility when you gently caress up
2. Not giving your kid the silent treatment/making your kid think parental love is conditional (love should be based on who they are, not what they do)

I distinctly remember many times where my mom would do something lovely and not apologize for it. Then, if I misbehaved she would withhold affection or give me the silent treatment until I apologized.

I've often been accused of saying "I'm sorry" too much or unnecessarily.

Also, to anyone else with lovely parents, do they ever act like you're not supposed to be "better" than them? Like they have "crabs in a bucket" syndrome?

Example: you buy a house, your parent tries to buy one. Or, if they can't have what you have they'll try to ruin it or just generally act like an rear end in a top hat and do things that hurt your relationship with them.

With my mom the more successful I became the shittier our relationship got. If I did something she would try to do it too, or if she couldn't do it she would look for any minor reason to blow up our relationship so that no matter what the focus is on her.

# ? Aug 18, 2019 22:19

Slaan: Mar 16, 2009; ASHERAH DEMANDS I FEAST, I VOTE FOR A FEAST OF FLESH

My parents do the same thing. I bought a house, my parents bought a new house. I vacationed in Iceland, Florida and Colorado. My parents visited each of them within 6 months of my visits. I go ATV in the mountains, they go ATV in the mountains

# ? Aug 18, 2019 22:28

nishi koichi: Feb 16, 2007; everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.

yep

# ? Aug 18, 2019 22:32

Lord Stimperor: Jun 13, 2018; I'm a lovable meme.

Slaan posted:

My parents do the same thing. I bought a house, my parents bought a new house. I vacationed in Iceland, Florida and Colorado. My parents visited each of them within 6 months of my visits. I go ATV in the mountains, they go ATV in the mountains

Make a large donation for something good

# ? Aug 18, 2019 22:33