Rejected Parents: if you can't figure it out you don't deserve a blog

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LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

trickybiscuits posted:

But it's Olive Garden! What are they supposed to do, go someplace that serves food they're not 100% used to that might have actual flavor? Someplace unfamiliar? A NON-CHAIN RESTAURANT?!!

Sounds like my family. Anytime someone's birthday comes up, I actually get a little giddy to hear about the conniption fits my aunt and uncle inevitably have when the food isn't specifically what they want. My brother and a cousin text me the funniest bits.

The most recent one was 'Meltdown at the Izikaya restaurant'.

And it isn't just 'won't branch off from chain restaurants'. My brother texted me once that they were complaining at a chain restaurant that they wanted to go to a different chain restaurant, but their son said no.

# ? Sep 10, 2019 17:43

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 08:00

Scipiotik: Mar 2, 2004; "I would have won the race but for that."

trickybiscuits posted:

But it's Olive Garden! What are they supposed to do, go someplace that serves food they're not 100% used to that might have actual flavor? Someplace unfamiliar? A NON-CHAIN RESTAURANT?!!

It's depressing. They apparently live right by the ocean, but something like a dolphin-watching cruise or snorkeling doesn't occur to them. What kind of lives do these people lead? Why even pay to live by the beach when you could live the same life on an isolated house in the wilderness, fifty miles from everything else around you, with a paper bag on your head so you never see anything? Do these people even really exist?

I feel pretty bad for the son and daughter-in-law who traveled so far with a baby to sit in a house staring at the wall with people who can't be bothered to find a decent seafood restaurant AT THE BEACH.

These people might literally be me. Except instead of olive garden it was a decent sea food restaurant that just happens to be so far away that travelling with a 2 month old makes it nearly impossible, then getting mad when the baby got tired and dinner had to be rushed. Of course the restaurant that was a couple blocks away was no good as it didn't have salmon (this was a lie of course, we were in Seattle for shitsake).

# ? Sep 10, 2019 17:56

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

LadyPictureShow posted:

Sounds like my family. Anytime someone's birthday comes up, I actually get a little giddy to hear about the conniption fits my aunt and uncle inevitably have when the food isn't specifically what they want. My brother and a cousin text me the funniest bits.

The most recent one was 'Meltdown at the Izikaya restaurant'.

And it isn't just 'won't branch off from chain restaurants'. My brother texted me once that they were complaining at a chain restaurant that they wanted to go to a different chain restaurant, but their son said no.

This is the adult version of eating nothing but chicken tendies and Mountain Dew.

# ? Sep 10, 2019 19:04

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Nevermind.

MasBrillante fucked around with this message at 21:37 on Sep 10, 2019

# ? Sep 10, 2019 19:14

Beachcomber: May 21, 2007; Another day in paradise.; Slippery Tilde

This space for rent.

Beachcomber fucked around with this message at 01:53 on Sep 11, 2019

# ? Sep 10, 2019 20:30

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

I deleted it.

# ? Sep 10, 2019 21:38

Cerebral Mayhem: Jul 18, 2000; Very useful on the planet Delphon, where they communicate with their eyebrows

These parents always seem fixated on visions of the ideal family. My mom would frequently bring up examples of other children from books and nag me, "Why can't you be more like ___? Look, she is always meek and respectful and never talks back!" Uhhhh, maybe it's because she's a fictional character? Maybe the author is an abusive piece of poo poo themselves and has created their version of the ideal child? Or, we would be out and see another family and my mom would tell me, "Look! ___ always says 'Sir' and 'Ma'm' when talking to his parents! How nice!" Well, maybe it's because he knows he'll get a beating when they get home if he doesn't.

One time during an argument, I made the point that if you want respect you have to give respect she shouted, "I don't have to do anything! We're not equal! It says so in the Bible!"

# ? Sep 10, 2019 22:35

madeintaipei: Jul 13, 2012

MasBrillante posted:

I deleted it.

Have you considered apologizing?

madeintaipei fucked around with this message at 23:34 on Sep 10, 2019

# ? Sep 10, 2019 23:06

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

madeintaipei posted:

Too late now.

I try not to be a mean person. Sometimes I fall short. Anyway the poster who quoted it can now choose to delete if they want to. If not, oh well. No need to keep talking about it.

# ? Sep 10, 2019 23:25

Devils Affricate: Jan 22, 2010

Cerebral Mayhem posted:

One time during an argument, I made the point that if you want respect you have to give respect she shouted, "I don't have to do anything! We're not equal! It says so in the Bible!"

Yep, this is my mom right here. Except she's not even religious; she's just of the opinion that it's the natural order of things for children to show undying respect for their parents without expectation of the reverse. Strange, because she constantly talks poo poo to her own mother.

# ? Sep 10, 2019 23:55

ohnobugs: Feb 22, 2003

Cerebral Mayhem posted:

These parents always seem fixated on visions of the ideal family. My mom would frequently bring up examples of other children from books and nag me, "Why can't you be more like ___? Look, she is always meek and respectful and never talks back!" Uhhhh, maybe it's because she's a fictional character? Maybe the author is an abusive piece of poo poo themselves and has created their version of the ideal child? Or, we would be out and see another family and my mom would tell me, "Look! ___ always says 'Sir' and 'Ma'm' when talking to his parents! How nice!" Well, maybe it's because he knows he'll get a beating when they get home if he doesn't.

One time during an argument, I made the point that if you want respect you have to give respect she shouted, "I don't have to do anything! We're not equal! It says so in the Bible!"

What a whiny bitch. Respect is earned. The bible doesn't give parents carte blanche to be assholes.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 00:07

Facebook Aunt: Oct 4, 2008; wiggle wiggle

trickybiscuits posted:

But it's Olive Garden! What are they supposed to do, go someplace that serves food they're not 100% used to that might have actual flavor? Someplace unfamiliar? A NON-CHAIN RESTAURANT?!!

It's depressing. They apparently live right by the ocean, but something like a dolphin-watching cruise or snorkeling doesn't occur to them. What kind of lives do these people lead? Why even pay to live by the beach when you could live the same life on an isolated house in the wilderness, fifty miles from everything else around you, with a paper bag on your head so you never see anything? Do these people even really exist?

I feel pretty bad for the son and daughter-in-law who traveled so far with a baby to sit in a house staring at the wall with people who can't be bothered to find a decent seafood restaurant AT THE BEACH.

Status. Living in a prestigious neighbourhood is high status, even if you never go outside. Plus it makes your children even more wrong when they aren't eager and grateful to stay in your resort community.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 01:26

Clitch: Feb 26, 2002; I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

AuntBuck posted:

What a whiny bitch. Respect is earned. The bible doesn't give parents carte blanche to be assholes.

It...kinda does.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 01:49

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

To defend the parents, (ever so slightly, and only in this case):

It sounds like they live in a retirement community in the middle of nowhere that they are talking up to make themselves sound cooler, and richer, and therefore better people than they actually are. So obviously there is gently caress all to do nearby, and the only restaurant around is a chain that gets packed with old people doing their dinner rush at 4:30PM. So I don't criticize them too much for that. And personally, I have endured boring vacations at home, (I live in a different country to my parents and can't get home often), where I have spent the day just hanging out pottering around the house helping my mum with her sewing and watching TV. But it makes her happy to have her son at home, so I suck it up.

Now of course, if the parents weren't such passive aggressive, whiny, controlling narcissists, things could have gone a whole lot more smoothly, (understand that a baby does not want to be in an Olive Garden during it's usual nap time, allow the couple to get out and try and do something, try to take care of the baby in accordance to it's parents wishes etc.). And I guarantee that all the performative wailing and gnashing of teeth, (They yelled at us, they said hurtful things, they weren't grateful enough, they blamed us for everything we did to them etc.) is either perceived, exaggerated, or even entirely made up. And it is also a bit rich to loudly claim victimhood and "Estrangement", when your son and daughter in law go out of their way to travel to you, (something you aren't willing to do for them), to allow you time with them and your grandkid when they know there will be nothing there for them to do for the duration, yet you can't even accommodate the simplest of requests like "lets wait till the baby has had it's nap before going out to dinner.

So I suppose I am not really defending the parents here, more saying that they took a situation which, whilst not ideal, is perfectly normal and which most families deal with well, and turned it into a hysterical drama all about THEM and how THEY have been slighted.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 01:54

ohnobugs: Feb 22, 2003

Clitch posted:

It...kinda does.

I don't want to get too into bible chat but there are passages that can be interpreted either way. It's irrelevant because the idiot boomer narcissists, for the most part, only know the commandment about honoring your parents, and they equate respect with tolerating abuse and shaming.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 02:10

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

Cerebral Mayhem posted:

These parents always seem fixated on visions of the ideal family. My mom would frequently bring up examples of other children from books and nag me, "Why can't you be more like ___? Look, she is always meek and respectful and never talks back!" Uhhhh, maybe it's because she's a fictional character? Maybe the author is an abusive piece of poo poo themselves and has created their version of the ideal child? Or, we would be out and see another family and my mom would tell me, "Look! ___ always says 'Sir' and 'Ma'm' when talking to his parents! How nice!" Well, maybe it's because he knows he'll get a beating when they get home if he doesn't.

One time during an argument, I made the point that if you want respect you have to give respect she shouted, "I don't have to do anything! We're not equal! It says so in the Bible!"

I get compared to her best friend's kids, because they have a good relationship with their mother. All the things my mom refuses to do with me, like interacting with my social media, texting me, saying yes when I ask if she wants to go do something, she does with her friend's kids. So while she's ignoring me on purpose to prove how lovely I am, she's actively participating in a relationship with other people's kids like they're her own. She also does the same with my sister. Apparently it's just me who who gets to be ignored deliberately to prove a point. Which at this point is perfectly fine. I'm 100% done trying to manage her emotional baggage for her.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 15:50

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Picnic Princess posted:

I get compared to her best friend's kids, because they have a good relationship with their mother. All the things my mom refuses to do with me, like interacting with my social media, texting me, saying yes when I ask if she wants to go do something, she does with her friend's kids. So while she's ignoring me on purpose to prove how lovely I am, she's actively participating in a relationship with other people's kids like they're her own. She also does the same with my sister. Apparently it's just me who who gets to be ignored deliberately to prove a point. Which at this point is perfectly fine. I'm 100% done trying to manage her emotional baggage for her.

Let your mother and her friend know that co-parenting is much simpler, legally, if they marry one another. Then never speak to your mother again.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 15:56

Relentless: Sep 22, 2007; It's a perfect day for some mayhem!

Clitch posted:

It...kinda does.

So, not my story, but my girlfriend's story. And her Mom. They're not officially estranged, the contact is just pretty minimal a lot of the time.

Sometime in her early teens, Mom went from being a hippie free spirit and went back to her ultra-catholic upbringing at some point. Mom rewritten her own history, and flat out denies certain things that don't fit with her catholic worldview. Even when there's photographic evidence.

Anyway, for 2 years or so, my GF went vegetarian/pescatarian. Mom came up for a visit, things seemed to go really well, they were really getting along, but her Mom kept questioning WHY she wasn't eating meat.

Then, on the "I got home safe" call, Mom BLEW UP about how vegetarianism wasn't healthy, it was disrespecting God, and if she'd just eat meat she'd have more time to worry about the unborn babies!

Mom got hung up on, they didn't talk for about 6 months after that, and on the next visit, Mom denied the conversation ever happened.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 17:37

Dirt Road Junglist: Oct 8, 2010; We will be cruel
And through our cruelty
They will know who we are

Relentless posted:

Then, on the "I got home safe" call, Mom BLEW UP about how vegetarianism wasn't healthy, it was disrespecting God, and if she'd just eat meat she'd have more time to worry about the unborn babies!

I mentioned that conversation to my mom once on the phone, and you could almost hear the gears in her brain failing to mesh as she tried to figure out how not eating meat had anything at all to do with abortion rights. Your GF's mom broke my mom's brain.

# ? Sep 11, 2019 18:29

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

Two weeks ago we met with ES/DIL and both pastors. Our pastor moderated the time. Their pastor gave comments and asked questions during the time as well. Both were there as those who care about us and want reconciliation for us. We had heard beforehand that they met together the week prior and expressed optimism for the outcome of the meeting.

The format was for each person to give answers to two questions:
A. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want to see happen in this situation?
B. What are you willing to do/invest to make this happen?

It was emphasized that this wasn�t a time to bring up events/stories/hurt from the past.

Turns were taken, starting with DIL, then me � and afterwards each shared what they heard the other say (reflective listening). Same was done with ES and my husband (his dad).

This was the first time we had seen them in nearly a year.

DIL�s magic wand was to start over, take time to get to know us and work toward reconciliation. Re: second question, she said she�s willing to meet two on two (the four of us) periodically, and to pray.

My magic wand was to turn back the clock and start over in relationship with DIL, due to believing strongly that the relationship has somehow been broken from the beginning. That I would move slow, not make assumptions, work to understand her as well as to be understood by her, to the end that she would be convinced that we love her and would never _________ (fill in the blank�not stated but this would be any of her accusations that weren�t true). I said I was willing to pray about the situation.

DIL�s reflection of this was that it sounded like a hint of regret/apology and that was good to hear. She noted that I did not say I was willing to get together.

ES magic wand was to go back in time and be more pro-active in this situation, even thought it would �be painful� (I absolutely wish he had come to me even once in the five years where nothing at all was said, only to have five years of offenses piled on us in counseling). He said he really wants a relationship with us, for us to get to know their children again, and for us to have normal times of talking and enjoying being together. He said he is willing to meet up 2:2, spend time together to catch up on each other�s lives and not rehash the past. Though at some point would want to come up with common definitions of �kind� �safe� and �honest�.

Husband�s magic wand was for them to be in the same universe as us, since our memories and perceptions are totally different. Also that their �filter� through which they see me would be knowing that I love them and would never _________ (again, fill in the blank). He stopped without answering part B.

Our pastor asked husband what his answer is for question B, to which he said that he wasn�t sure that he was willing to do anything. That until he sees hope of change on their part that he�s not willing for me to be further brutalized through the meetups.

Our pastor asked if husband was willing to meet up 2:2 with ES and DIL, and he said he doesn�t think that he is. The air was completely sucked out of the room at that moment, and I could see the hurt on ES face �my dad isn�t willing to invest in me� (he expressed that same thought back in counseling when husband came back after walking out).

The next part of the meeting (which was just over one hour total) was for the pastors to meet privately with each couple. They started with ES/DIL so we went to a nearby office. We had not compared notes on the way to the meeting. I had been sharing with him over the course of the summer the forgiveness process I�d been going through for my benefit. As we waited, I shared that I had come into the meeting with low expectations, but I didn�t know the deal breaker would come from him. Not in an unkind way, just that I was surprised. I told him I didn�t see that coming and that it now felt like a dead end.

We went back in for our turn, and the question posed was �what are the boulders that stand in the way of moving forward?� For both of us it was that we feel we are on continual probation, seen as the bad guys and have continual blame and shame. Husband pointed out DIL�s comment about regret/apology, that this wasn�t the first apology they�ve heard, that I�d apologized and �groveled� many times throughout counseling, but that it was never good enough because I didn�t own what wasn�t true.

I said another boulder was a husband who wants to protect me, and that I am strong enough and willing to do the meetups without being destroyed.

We didn�t hear what ES/DIL boulders were and vice versa.

The conclusion of the time was with everyone back in the room again. Our pastor noted that he really hoped no one left with discouragement over a lack of consensus or that there was negativity expressed, that there is obviously still tremendous hurt on both sides and that he still feels that we should go back to counseling with a better counselor than we had before, one trained to work with estranged families. He also said that we obviously do have the choice of a �divorce� in our relationship, but that he thinks that would be incredibly sad. He asked and encouraged us to pray and to contemplate further what God wants each of us to do. He then prayed for all of us and then dismissed ES/DIL to leave before we did.

And now for the follow-up that I didn�t expect. That night I asked husband if it was on his radar that ES was hurt by his comments about not being willing to meet together. �No, do you really think that was the case?� Yep. In spite of ES� black and white frame of mind about all of this, he has a tender heart. The next morning husband texted ES and asked if there�s any other option besides the 2:2 meetings.

I spent the day in sadness. After I got home, I asked my husband if he was combining my devastation from counseling/last fall�s hurtful e-mail exchange with the two times we got together with ES/DIL post-counseling. Told him I felt I wouldn�t be devastated by meeting up 2:2, would like to have a relationship with them but would have purposely low expectations indefinitely.

In a VERY surprising reversal, he agreed that he was lumping everything together and would be willing to meet up 2:2.

He texted ES/DIL �though we seem to live in different universes and our memories & perceptions are totally different, the main damage was from counseling & e-mails last fall. Though the damage is real and trust restoration has to go both directions, maybe the two on two get togethers would be safe enough and better than no forward movement. We do love you and would like to work through this�.

Too late to make a long story short, but in response to husband�s text, ES asked to meet with him one on one, to clarify some questions about the meeting and to work our a plan for meeting up 2:2. They met briefly yesterday and agreed that we would meet 2:2 several times over the next several months, but these wouldn�t be times to bring up the past (sensitive/hard things) until there is a foundation of friendship. Not sweeping things under the rug, but having some type of shared goodwill/friendship first to build upon.

To the friendship angle, husband pointed out that it�s hard to imagine friendship without a foundation of respect for us as parents. ES response was that respect is what is keeping them involved, but that at some level, respect will be built on relationship. They also agreed that (different from a year ago) it will not be months in between times of getting together.

Overall, I�m encouraged but oh so very guarded. I absolutely know that this process will never bring back what once was. I will keep expectations low, continue to focus on my self care and well being, and spend time with those who have always wanted me in their lives.

Hmm, I wonder what things her son and daughter-in-law might have accused her of . . . oh.

quote:

I came across this site 16 months ago but have never posted. I can�t believe, sadly, how much of your stories are part of ours. My husband and I have been happily married through the ups and downs of the past 36 years, and are the parents of three adult sons. The downs have included one DIL leaving our youngest son a few years ago (hasn�t quite gotten around to divorcing), middle son in jail/prison when he was 20 for inappropriate contact with a 16 year old, and now is a registered sex offender. I�ve sat with two dear cousins at the end of their battles with cancer. I�ve walked with my dad and stepmother through Dad�s dementia and subsequent passing a year ago. I�ve gone through breast cancer (8 year survivor, yeay!), and YET�. none of that was done �to me�.

Oldest son and daughter in law were married 6 years ago. We loved her, embraced her, sought out ways to accommodate her many food allergies, threw wedding and baby showers, supported her home business, bragged on her to friends, as she did likewise on social media about us.

Throughout the years there have been increasing boundaries and restrictions around their children, especially in regards to our son�s felony status. We worked within all of those, ranging from their first child only being at our house when they were there (middle son still lived with us at that time), to not being at our house at all. Then complete banning of our middle son around DIL and their then two children. Prior to this I spent time with the first GC every week for two years and the second GC when she was born. Usually these boundaries were expressed at what we thought were casual get-togethers for dessert etc. We grew to be suspicious any time they invited us over.

16 months ago (GC were 3 and 15 months), the 3 y.o. said I hit her. I hadn�t (never would), and couldn�t even think when I might have accidentally bumped into her. But it was huge for her, and led to a conversation with son and DIL wherein they talked about the importance of their child knowing she could always come to them and didn�t pooh-pooh it just because it was grandma. I then made the mistake of asking if they had concerns about me taking care of their children.

The subsequent two hours were filled with every imaginable way they could express how deficient I was as a grandma/person. Too much to list, but I drove home in tears. Sleepless night and an imaginary sign around my neck: �for sale (or free) � one discarded grandma: unkind, inattentive, self-centered, unsafe� and on and on.

When I finally communicated to them about a month later (no contact during that time) how very hurtful that was, our son suggested we go to counseling with them to work through this, raw emotions on both sides, it was too heavy for him to sort out. We never dreamed of what was yet to come.

But in the meantime, my dad (dementia) went from the care facility to the hospital with sepsis and died the next day. Son and DIL decided not to come to his celebration of life at our house because middle son would be there (in spite of the fact that middle son is the one who is always there for his grandparents), but also because of �how raw it is between us and it doesn�t feel safe�.

We started weekly counseling with them and we were floored to hear that they felt we had �sinned against� them ever since they were married. They compiled a list of ten themes and 11 pages long of all of our offenses�so many untruths in it. But the absolute stunner was the accusation that I had been �mean and nasty� to DIL for years, and the admission that her praise of me on social media �was never true�. I/we worked through the ten themes, owned what we could. I apologized in every way I could think of (even for continuing to bring gluten free treats when I didn�t realize she didn�t want them, sheesh), but I couldn�t/wouldn�t own what I never did. That seems to be the deal breaker. We ended counseling after four months, not because we were done but because I was scheduled for surgery and they were going to have their third child. It was a stalemate, but son expressed that they were willing to test the waters moving forward by seeing us once every 2-3 months, just adults.

We went to dinner with them once about six weeks later, during which time I was petrified to be left alone with DIL for fear of what she would say I had said or done. But we got through it. The next month we were texted after the baby was born and invited to meet him at the hospital.

I began to be hopeful. I started sending texts here and there, hoping to start some communication, most of which were ignored. I gathered birthday gifts for the girls� birthdays, hoping to give them to them at some point. The entire summer went by without contact from son and DIL, except for a 6 word text on my birthday, and one the day after my husband�s birthday.

And my husband? Loves me dearly, absolutely hated to see me raked over the coals during counseling and in fact walked out of one session. Came back in but thought it was useless since it was so one-sided against me. At one point he commented to me that maybe our GC would grow up and want to contact us some day.

Throughout the summer I started sending postcards to the GC � lighthearted, never expressing anything about the separation. For goodness sakes, they can�t even read yet. It was mostly �happy summer� �it�s national rainier cherry day next week, grandpa loves them�, etc.

We finally heard from son and DIL wanting to have dinner out with us in September. Turned out it was on the one-year day of Dad�s passing. They brought the baby so we got to hold him at 4 months (for just the second time). All went ok until I asked about boundaries and expectations moving forward. Then I was told the postcards were not ok, that they were an attempt to go around them to connect with the GC (again, GC can�t read). Stunning.

I�m sure I�m reaching the length limit of posting, and bless you if you�ve read this far.

Since then, there were a couple of e-mails clarifying what I heard them say that night, and expressing the sadness at not being able to see the children (we brought the birthday gifts to the dinner for them to take home, pretty much gave up). We haven�t seen them since Aug 2017.

Excerpt from Son (and DIL) e-mail: �I feel the need to clarify: the boundary of you not having a relationship with our kids isn�t a punishment. It is in place because we don�t feel it�s healthy or wise for our kids to be close to you because we don�t trust you. We don�t trust you to be to share the same definition of safety, kindness or honesty. You won�t be in a relationship with our kids until we can trust you to be safe, kind and honest to us, their parents�. Where at first they had many disagreements over her claims �that�s not like my mom�, he has now bought into it wholesale.

I won�t get into my e-mail response to them here, maybe later � but I haven�t heard back (didn�t really expect to) and it�s been two months since that e-mail. Meanwhile the GC are growing up without us, and I�m not so sure I even want to be around our son and DIL.

quote:

Last year we agreed to go to counseling with ES and DIL. Spent four months looking at their 11-page, 10-theme list of all of our (mostly my) �offenses�.

One such offense was my not being happy when ES called to say they were expecting baby #3. As if I could muster being happy about another GC that I wouldn�t see, sheesh. And in fact haven�t been part of his life either, met him the day he was born and saw him for an hour when he was 4 months. He will be a year next month.

quote:

Our GS will also turn one in May. We�ve seen him twice� met him the day he was born and saw him at 4 months. There are two GD also, one will turn five in May and the other will be three in June. The oldest was three when I last saw her and her sister. ES and DIL say �it�s not healthy or wise for our kids to be close to you because we don�t trust you�. This is all over DIL�s claims that I mistreated her for years (but never came to me, either one of them�the first we heard of it was during unsuccessful counseling with them a year ago). The hemorrhaging over no longer being grandparents hits me every single day. I�m so sorry that this is your reality also. Hugs to you.

quote:

�Kiddo, thanks for the email. Thanks for considering us for dinner but I decline and she agrees. We go in thinking that there might be some hope and end up with her being crushed. The whole process has brutalized her and left her crying for months.

You mentioned �ton of bricks� in your email. Try to consider the weight of the bricks she carries every single day, the ones labeled �mean�, �dangerous�, �liar�. The one that says �it�s not healthy or wise for our kids to be close to you�, and the one that says �we don�t trust you�. All those remain from your email last fall. Add in the continual bricks of �rejected�, �ignored� and �broken�. How does she come to dinner with these?

So I'm going to keep an eye on it as this disaster unfolds.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 01:12

I would blow Dane Cook: Dec 26, 2008

"Throughout the years there have been increasing boundaries and restrictions around their children, especially in regards to our son�s felony status" is quite a sentence.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 01:35

Boywhiz88: Sep 11, 2005; floating 26" off da ground. BURR!

Gaps so big they�re counted in a Tony Hawk level.

Goddamn, I really appreciate people holding the red flags. I�ve gotten better at reading between the lines when they�re shown like that.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 01:47

Crimson Harvest: Jul 14, 2004; I'm a GENERAL, not some opera floozy!

TheKennedys posted:

Idk, I wasn't going to post because I'm a coward and it's a clear "already NC obviously" situation, but someone mentioned abused kids having memories bubbling up like they're happening right now, because the kid never processed them, and it's happening to Boy. This thread has been a safe place for a lot of people and idk, I just wanted to get it out there out loud I guess

If this is cowardice I hope I can borrow some when it's time for me to sever.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 02:01

There Bias Two: Jan 13, 2009; I'm not a good person

Boywhiz88 posted:

Gaps so big they’re counted in a Tony Hawk level.

Goddamn, I really appreciate people holding the red flags. I’ve gotten better at reading between the lines when they’re shown like that.

I still struggle to see them in many cases. It's frustrating because I know it's probably a product of my equally lovely upbringing with this same sort of behavior.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 02:31

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Wow, a husband as an active part of the estrangement. That seems... uncommon? Also hoo boy is that guy a dick

# ? Sep 12, 2019 02:55

Scipiotik: Mar 2, 2004; "I would have won the race but for that."

Antivehicular posted:

Wow, a husband as an active part of the estrangement. That seems... uncommon? Also hoo boy is that guy a dick

My father is an active and probably inciting problem. I'd say if not for my father I'd have a good relationship with my mom.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 03:10

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

trickybiscuits posted:

Hmm, I wonder what things her son and daughter-in-law might have accused her of . . . oh.

So I'm going to keep an eye on it as this disaster unfolds.

I know there's a lot to process in this mess, but something small that I think is easy to overlook is that when the mom is asked what she is willing to do to get time with her son and grandchildren, all she was willing to do was pray about it. She offers absolutely nothing - she isn't happy to meet on their terms, isn't happy to stop doing the things they don't like, she doesn't even pretend that she's going to change her behavior or listen to them.

"I'll sit on my rear end and pray to God that you do what I want while I keep doing what I'm doing" is what she's saying.

I wouldn't trust her with my kids either.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 03:37

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

quote:

Son and DIL decided not to come to his celebration of life at our house because middle son would be there (in spite of the fact that middle son is the one who is always there for his grandparents), but also because of �how raw it is between us and it doesn�t feel safe�.

Jaw. loving. dropped. Yes, your son, who molests kids, but is always there for you, definitely deserves to be around other children.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 04:23

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Scipiotik posted:

My father is an active and probably inciting problem. I'd say if not for my father I'd have a good relationship with my mom.

Yeah, I misphrased; I should probably say "uncommon in the context of RejectedParents," since this forum is so mother-POV and they generally seem to minimize their husbands' presence or involvement in the family situation. This does follow the template for those who do, though, with praising how supportive and protective their husband is of them, which seems to mostly mean "husband is also actively an rear end in a top hat to the estranged children."

# ? Sep 12, 2019 04:32

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

I wonder how much the Mothers who dominate this thread minimizing their husbands/the Fathers involvement is 1)The fathers not being the problem, 2)the fathers not being involved in their kids lives as much anyway, (due to parenting styles and toxic masculinity of the time), 3)due to this toxic masculinity stuff the Fathers not communicating their feelings.

or 4) The kind of person who writes these "woe is me, I never see my grandchildren except for their monthly visits due to my evil ED. Oh the pain, the pain." is the kind of person to minimize anybody else's feelings/involvement/agency at all

# ? Sep 12, 2019 05:56

Peg Sliderskew: Jan 4, 2010

Whyyy can't you be more like your brother, the convicted paedophile???

# ? Sep 12, 2019 07:43

Sherry Bahm: Jul 30, 2003; filled with dolphins

I would bet that the mom blames the girl for her son's conviction. She's already made it abundantly clear that she takes his side over their sibling's wife and kids. Which, on account of the increasing restrictions, makes me believe that he kept testing them and pushing boundaries to see what he could get away with, forcing them to push back with less and less access to said wife and kids.

And if she's willing to go to bat for her sex offender son who's own brother doesn't want around his wife and kids, then I don't see it as too much of a stretch that she'd be willing to hit her "bad" son's child and try to pass it off as some bullshit accident.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 09:50

Saint Drogo: Dec 26, 2011

quote:

Oldest son and daughter in law were married 6 years ago. We loved her, embraced her, sought out ways to accommodate her many food allergies

you get the gist of what a shithead this person is from this tiny piece alone. it's amazing.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 10:09

ravenkult: Feb 3, 2011

Ah the mysteries of avoiding food allergies

# ? Sep 12, 2019 10:12

Rockbear: Sep 11, 2001; Milady, 'tis the clobbering hour.

It's weird how often "food allergies" come up in these stories, and always about a daughter-in-law.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 10:12

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

And also how much of an imposition they are.

I mean how difficult is it to make a separate bowl of salad for the vegetarian? Or just not have mushrooms with your steak the one day a month that your son brings his allergic wife over to visit?

It all piles on the fact that they are not prepared to change a single thing, and expect everyone else to accommodate their behavior. And get outraged by even the suggestion that they have to adapt for even one second.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 10:22

it dont matter: Aug 29, 2008

Has that story about the mushroom allergy been posted itt?

https://www.thecut.com/2019/08/ask-polly-my-in-laws-are-careless-about-my-food-allergy.html

quote:

Dear Polly,

I have a very severe allergy to mushrooms. I carry an EpiPen, and I have been hospitalized multiple times because of exposure to this food. One time, I began convulsing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My husband politely explained this to his parents when we started dating, and I was invited to family meals.

Since then, most meals we have shared at my in-laws� house have had very limited options for me. Somehow, they manage to find a way to add mushrooms to almost everything. One time, they made a point to make a special plate of mushrooms and pass it around. My mother-in-law said, very rudely, �I would�ve liked to add mushrooms directly to the salad, but SOMEBODY has problems with it!� They even added mushroom powder to the mashed potatoes at one holiday dinner. My mother-in-law claimed it was a new recipe she�d found.

I literally held my breath as the mushrooms passed in front of me at the table that day. That was extremely dangerous for me. That food could kill me. What�s worse is my husband told me that mushrooms were not a common dish served by his parents before he started dating me.

When I was pregnant, my husband told them we would not take part in any family meals if they didn�t promise to keep the meals allergy-free. His dad said, �We can�t promise that. Everyone except your wife likes mushrooms, and we�re not changing what we eat for one person.�

My husband�s sister even called me up, angry about the fact we would not be attending a party at her parents� house. Yelling that I was overreacting and that mushrooms are �not a poison.�

This has caused a huge wedge between my husband�s family and us. We no longer spend holidays with them and rarely speak. They don�t get to see their grandkids, even though they live very close by. His sister stopped talking to us. He has a brother who still reaches out and is kind to us, but he acts as though his parents are just set in their ways and we should forgive them and move on.

Short of taking them a doctor�s note, telling them my allergy is real, I�m not sure what to do.

My husband supports me 100 percent, and he is very angry and hurt by their actions. But at times I feel terrible that I am the cause of this rift, and I just want a happy family.

HELP!

Disrespected Daughter-in-Law

Fuckin mushroom powder in the mash potato.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 12:58

I would blow Dane Cook: Dec 26, 2008

We had a big discussion about food allergies in the boomer thread, basically boomer's can't deal with food allergies existing and will try to 'test' them constantly.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 13:36

There Bias Two: Jan 13, 2009; I'm not a good person

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

We had a big discussion about food allergies in the boomer thread, basically boomer's can't deal with food allergies existing and will try to 'test' them constantly.

Apparently because they killed all the people with food allergies in their generation before adulthood...

# ? Sep 12, 2019 13:58

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 08:00

Sherry Bahm: Jul 30, 2003; filled with dolphins

My ex had a severe peanut allergy, with seizures, epipen, the whole nine yards. And it's true that boomers love saying poo poo like, "Kids didn't have so many allergies when I was young!"

I dunno man, maybe you never met other kids with allergies because they mostly died undiagnosed.

# ? Sep 12, 2019 14:01

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Rejected Parents: if you can't figure it out you don't deserve a blog

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