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banned from Starbucks
Jul 18, 2004




it prob took his sperm a while to thaw from the carbonite

gently caress yeah :69snypa:

banned from Starbucks fucked around with this message at 05:16 on Sep 16, 2019

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sigher
Apr 22, 2008

My guiding Moonlight...



Han cumshot first.

Assepoester
Jul 18, 2004
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!
Melman v2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vr3smHbk42A

Gonz
Dec 22, 2009

"Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"
Leia is going to lightsaber-helicopter into a battle with Paulie S.

R. Guyovich
Dec 25, 1991

Dishwasher posted:

It's the Star Wars sequel opening I would have wanted and imagined as a 16 year old.

Now...whether or not that is a good thing is another story.
.........:shepspends:

Edit: I like the ST so far, Solo, and Rogue One (which might be my favorite in the whole series). I'm more excited for The Mandalorian than I likely "should" be. I recognize the flaws of the Disney approach, but I'm also that guy who is just really happy these are being made in the first place because we could be stuck with novels with a 90 year old OT trio and more comics that flesh out things I never cared about (but still read anyway!). Like, I'm ALL the gently caress in at this point unless they literally put feces on my face with every ticket. Which, I suppose, makes me the perfect kind of whore for Disney to rake in billions with, one movie ticket and DVD at a time.

I regret nothing. :unsmith:

lot of words to say "i'm an idiot"

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
millions upon millions of dollars spent to explain the goofy-rear end Leia flying thru space scene in TLJ

also I guess there was no point to Rey going to train with Luke, since he taught her nothing and Leia could have just done it herself?

Neo Rasa
Mar 8, 2007
Everyone should play DUKE games.

:dukedog:

CharlestonJew posted:

millions upon millions of dollars spent to explain the goofy-rear end Leia flying thru space scene in TLJ

also I guess there was no point to Rey going to train with Luke, since he taught her nothing and Leia could have just done it herself?

I mean even Luke repeatedly is like wtf are you even doing here while slurping up green slime from those alien dick teets.

Star War fuckin owns

Cheesus
Oct 17, 2002

Let us retract the foreskin of ignorance and apply the wirebrush of enlightenment.
Yam Slacker

General Dog posted:

“So princess, you ever seen the inside of an AT-ST?”
"Backdoor, huh? Good idea!"

Everyone
Sep 6, 2019

by sebmojo

Neo Rasa posted:

I mean even Luke repeatedly is like wtf are you even doing here while slurping up green slime from those alien dick teets.

Star War fuckin owns

I know a bunch of fans dump on The Last Jedi but bitter, cantankerous old fart Luke was awesome.

galagazombie
Oct 31, 2011

A silly little mouse!

Necrotizer F posted:

I know a bunch of fans dump on The Last Jedi but bitter, cantankerous old fart Luke was awesome.

People weren't so much upset that he was old and cantankerous than the why of him being old and cantankerous.

Flavius Aetass
Mar 30, 2011
prediction:

*leia training rey, rey getting too emotional, yelling about her parents*

"kylo told me my parents were junk traders. that they abandoned me!"

"no, i am your mother"

euphronius
Feb 18, 2009

Flavius Aetass posted:

prediction:

*leia training rey, rey getting too emotional, yelling about her parents*

"kylo told me my parents were junk traders. that they abandoned me!"

"no, i am your mother"

Would not be surprised at all.

thrawn527
Mar 27, 2004

Thrawn/Pellaeon
Studying the art of terrorists
To keep you safe

Flavius Aetass posted:

prediction:

*leia training rey, rey getting too emotional, yelling about her parents*

"kylo told me my parents were junk traders. that they abandoned me!"

"no, i am your mother"

I can't say for certain without knowing for sure what they have, but this would probably be difficult to pull off with existing Carrie Fisher footage. Supposedly, all they have is some cut scenes from TFA.

Small Strange Bird
Sep 22, 2006

Merci, chaton!
[Close on Leia] "Rey," [faint but discernible shift as one take is morphed into another] "I,"

[Cut to over-the-shoulder shot of 'Leia' facing Rey; impersonator's voice] "Am your mother."

General Dog
Apr 26, 2008

Everybody's working for the weekend
That horrendously edited scene from Bohemian Rhapsody that everyone made fun of, but its Rey, Leia, and Ghost Luke talking about Rey's parentage.

gohmak
Feb 12, 2004
cookies need love

Flavius Aetass posted:

prediction:

*leia training rey, rey getting too emotional, yelling about her parents*

"kylo told me my parents were junk traders. that they abandoned me!"

"no, i am your mother"

And Luke was your father. We didn’t yet know so we had to abandon.

Everyone
Sep 6, 2019

by sebmojo

gohmak posted:

And Luke was your father. We didn’t yet know so we had to abandon.

I loved Han, but it was a victory party and Ewoks make some really strong hooch...

Jerkface
May 21, 2001

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER?

Fallen Rib
https://www.reddit.com/r/StarWarsLe...tm_source=share

Im fine with this

George H.W. Cunt
Oct 6, 2010





Disclaimers:

Due to the fact that The Rise of Skywalker is currently going through a round of additional photography and the basic nature of leaked information in general, I cannot guarantee that everything you read here will make it to the final cut of the film just as I describe, but I feel highly confident in the accuracy of my information at this point in time based on the current state of the film.
I will also tell you that due to increased activity of other leakers such as Making Star Wars or Bespin Bulletin, not all of what you will read here will be new information, but I will tell you that my plot summaries are assembled exclusively from my own sources, so any similar/identical information to other reports can (and in my opinion, should) be used as corroboration of the validity of both sources.
I am going to be making 3 'updated and expanded' plot summary posts split up into 3 acts releasing over the coming days/weeks. These are not official act breaks, this is just how I would break the film up into 3 parts.
SPOILER WARNING!
If you do not want to know what happens in IX, read no farther.

ACT I
[The Past- Unknown Location].

Luke is training Leia as a Jedi. Lightsabers are involved. Leia reveals to Luke that she is pregnant and Leia makes the decision to end her Jedi training due to the impending birth of her son.

[The Present- The Resistance’s Jungle Base]

Years later, Leia has picked up where her brother left off and has been helping Rey learn the ways of the Jedi. Rey is first seen doing some meditative/ “mental” Force training, but is struggling with it. In frustration, she asks Leia if she can do a physical training course instead. This is what we see Rey doing in the jungle forrest in the D23 First Look.(1, 2) It appears that Rey has more physical fortitude than she has mental strength.

[Forrest planet bathed in red light]

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has been aware of a dark power behind his predecessor and former master, Snoke. Kylo has been spending his time as leader of the First Order with the purpose of locating this power. Generals Hux and Pryde have been following Kylo around on his quest and are beginning to get very frustrated with what they see as a fool’s errand. They see this as a waste of First Order time and resources. When we catch up with the villains of our story, Kylo is leading an assault on this planet with the purpose of finding Darth Vader’s wayfinder device. The device reveals coordinates within the Unknown Regions and Kylo is confident that this will reveal the source of Snoke’s power. Kylo Ren slaughters his way through the natives and is eventually led to "the oracle" who gives him the wayfinder.

[Asteroid Base]

We pick up with Finn and Poe on the Millennium Falcon, accompanied by a hand full of unfamiliar alien characters traveling to an icy asteroid base to meet with a First Order informant. This informant, an alien, is acting as a middle man between a First Order mole and our heroes. The First Order arrives and begins attacking the base. The assault causes forces our heroes to make a hasty exit by what was described to me as “light springing” away. Light springing involves making the jump to light speed without plotting a course or a predetermined destination. As we all remember, making the jump to light speed without precise calculations could have dire consequences such as ‘flying right through a star or bouncing too close to a supernova’. The Falcon makes a hand full of these springs to throw the First Order off their trail, but as a result they are forced to deal with the consequences of such a risky maneuver. After surviving the dangers of light springing, our heroes plot a course to the secret Resistance jungle base.

[The Unknown Regions- Exogol]

After obtaining Vader’s device Kylo travels to the place specified by the wayfinder. It takes him to the Unknown Regions and a dead planet of flat, black rock. I previously reported that the planet where Kylo finds Vader's wayfinder was called Exogol. Since then my understanding has evolved and I've been told that this planet actually bears that name. Kylo lands outside a giant cube, floating just above the ground and begins walking toward it. Kylo walks between the cube and the ground and once he reaches the center he discovers an elevator leading down below the planet's surface. He follows teh lift down and finds an old man, near death and lying in bed and being tended to by cloaked aids. My source believes these aids to be referred to as Sith Loyalists. The old man identifies himself as Darth Sideous. Kylo initially dismisses the old man, knowing that the Emperor had died over 30 years prior over the forest moon of Endor. Feeling that this must be a trick, Kylo claims that there must be some other explanation, such as this man being a clone. My sources specifically tell me that the Palpatine refutes the idea of him being a clone and affirms that he survived his fall. After his defeat at Endor, he left the known galaxy and traveled to the Unknown Regions to rebuild his Empire. Despite his skepticism, Palpatine begins to reel Kylo in and subsequently tells him of something known as a “Force Dyad”. The Force produces two incredibly strong users and when they unite together, both become stronger than either one could be on their own. Palpatine believes Kylo Ren and Rey to be the two halves of this dyad and shares this knowledge with Rey. (Note: I previously wrote that Palpatine wanted them to become “master and apprentice” since then this has been clarified to me as Palpatine seeking the two members of the Dyad) Palpatine claims that he seeks the Dyad because he is weak and dying and he wants the Dyad to rule together once he’s gone. Palpatine orders Kylo to bring Rey to him and turn her so that the Dyad will be a strong, unified force of darkness. Palpatine also reveals that he has been amassing an armada of Star Destroyers equipped with Death Star tech, each one capable of destroying a planet on its own. Generals Hux and Pryde are tasked with rounding up children in large numbers to train and staff his armada.

[The Resistance’s Jungle Base]

Finn and Poe return to the Resistance base bearing the knowledge obtained from their encounter with the First Order informant. The duo brings this knowledge to General Leia and tell her what they know about Kylo’s mission to the Unknown Regions, but without any leads to where he went or how he got there, the Resistance is at a dead end. Leia mentions that she has a contact who was seeking a link to the Unknown Regions long ago and may be willing to help. Leia dispatches the two of them along with Rey, Chewbacca, BB-8 and C-3PO to Passana to meet with her contact and see what help he may be able to provide.

[Passana]

When our heroes arrive on the planet, they discover that a giant festival is going on. What they thought would be an easy mission has now turned into a much more complicated affair. They attempt to lay low and to blend in. Unsurprisingly, Chewbacca struggles with blending in because it’s very difficult to hide a 7 foot tall wookiee from prying eyes. Rey encounters an alien in the crowds who takes a liking to her, presenting her with a handmade necklace as a gift. She is asked her name and she responds “Rey”. When asked her family name, she replies that she does not have one. At this time, Kylo establishes a connection with Rey through their bond. Their conversation ends with Kylo grabbing the necklace from around Rey’s neck. This necklace proves to be the key to the First Order discovering their location. After the connection ends, Rey warns her comrades that the First Order is on their way and that they must hurry to find Leia’s contact. It is at this point that instead of finding their contact, their contact reveals himself to them after having spotted an old wookiee friend of his out of the crowd. It’s Lando Calrissian.

Greetings and introductions are exchanged Lando tells them of a dagger that may help them find what they seek. Many years prior, Lando and Luke went in search of this dagger that was owned by a Sith loyalist named Ochie (spelling not confirmed). They tracked Ochie to Passana when the trail went cold. When met with the question of why he never left the planet after the search for Ochie and his dagger ended, Lando tells the team that he had a young child at the time of his and Luke’s quest. While they were out searching for the dagger, the First Order stole his child. After having failed to protect his child from the First Order, Lando and Luke parted ways and he stayed on Passana ever since. This story strikes a chord with Finn having been stolen from his own family at an incredibly young age as well. Lando points them in the direction of the last known coordinates of Ochie’s ship, where the trail went cold all those years ago, wishes them luck in succeeding where he failed all those years ago but decides to sit this one out.

Our heroes follow the trail that Lando pointed out to them and eventually they happen upon Ochie’s ship. When Rey sees the ship, it triggers some memories. It’s the same ship that we see leaving Jakku in Rey’s vision from TFA. Before the implications of this can sink in, the ground beneath them gives out and the crew gets sucked below the surface of the sand. They find themselves in a series of underground tunnels where they discover the remains of Ochie and the dagger that Lando and Luke sought after. Rey feels a very strong connection to this weapon, but can’t quite articulate it. The dagger has writing on it in a language that nobody can identify. It’s then handed over to 3PO who identifies the writing as a Sith language, but he reveals that he is unable to translate the writing due to restrictions in his programing. At this time, a plan is made to hack into C-3PO’s programming to bypass the restrictions. Poe mentions that he has an old contact that might be able to help them out. Chewbacca takes possession of the dagger and the group’s attention shifts to finding a way out of the caves. During their escape attempt, the team runs into a giant, very aggressive, sand worm (who presumably created the tunnels). A battle with the sand worm ensues and our heroes end up backed into a corner, preparing to meet their fate when Rey notices a detail. The worm is injured. In a display of previously unknown power, Rey is able to heal the worm’s injuries, satiating the worm and providing the heroes the chance they needed to escape.

Once they crew exits the cave system, they see a First Order Star Destroyer in the sky and know that Kylo Ren has found them. Once they realize this they (correctly) reason that the First Order would have already found the Falcon, making that plan of escape impossible. The Falcon is boarded and subsequently taken back to the Star Destroyer. In an act of desperation, the crew boards Ochie’s ship and attempt to get it working. It's on this ship that the crew discovers the new droid D-O. Rey senses that Kylo is coming for her, so she takes off on her own to confront him and buy her friends some time. (This is where the TIE interceptor flip sequence from the first teaser takes place). While Kylo and Rey are engaged, the Knights of Ren and the First Order head for Ochie’s ship and our other heroes. Chewbacca splits off from the crew and attempts to delay the Knights, but it captured. The dagger is taken from him and he boards a First Order prisoner transport. Rey and Kylo both notice Chewbacca being taken captive and being brought to a transport ship during their confrontation. As the ship takes off, Rey shifts her attention from Kylo to her captured friend and begins to use the Force to stop the transport and pull it back to the ground. Kylo attempts to counteract this by pushing the ship away. Control over the ship becomes a battle between Kylo and Rey, much like their battle for Anakin’s lightsaber in TLJ. Kylo begins to gain the upper hand which angers Rey. In her frustration, lightning shoots from her hand, destroying the the transport ship and killing all its passengers. Devastated by what she just did, Rey collapses. While all this is transpiring, Poe, Finn, 3PO and BB-8 get Ochie’s ship in the air just in time to fly over to pick up a distraught Rey. With no Lando, no Falcon, no dagger and no Chewbacca, our heroes limp away from the desert planet.

General Dog
Apr 26, 2008

Everybody's working for the weekend
I kind of assumed the First Order stole kids from poor people

Mike N Eich
Jan 27, 2007

This might just be the year
So when they do these flashback scenes with Luke and Leia are they gonna be like, the Tarkin CGI'd youngify face on them? Because if so it's gonna take me out of the movie approximately 30 seconds into the film.

Boxturret
Oct 3, 2013

Don't ask me about Sonic the Hedgehog diaper fetish
This film speaks to the 10 year old me that kept getting star destroyer and death star mixed up.

Gonz
Dec 22, 2009

"Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"
Rey accidentally murders Chewbacca with force lightning?

Laffo.

General Dog
Apr 26, 2008

Everybody's working for the weekend

Gonz posted:

Rey accidentally murders Chewbacca with force lightning?

Laffo.

I think the synopsis is probably accidentally leaving something out where he changes ships or something, but Rey might think she accidentally murdered Chewbacca.

AndyElusive
Jan 7, 2007

George H.W. oval office posted:

With no Lando, no Falcon, no dagger and no Chewbacca, our heroes limp away from the desert planet.

Yeah ok, Supershadow.

Captain Splendid
Jan 7, 2009

Qu'en pense Caffarelli?

Kingtheninja
Jul 29, 2004

"You're the best looking guy here."
This is supposedly just act one? Yeah that sounds like quite a bit to stuff into the first act.

Gonz
Dec 22, 2009

"Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"
This movie is going to be three hours long and we will all beg for death an intermission.

Gonz
Dec 22, 2009

"Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?"

Kingtheninja posted:

This is supposedly just act one? Yeah that sounds like quite a bit to stuff into the first act.

Via the guy who created this rundown:

quote:

I am going to be making 3 'updated and expanded' plot summary posts split up into 3 acts releasing over the coming days/weeks. These are not official act breaks, this is just how I would break the film up into 3 parts.

Jerkface
May 21, 2001

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER?

Fallen Rib
chewie doesnt explode its a fake out

Dishwasher
Dec 5, 2006

Congratulations on not getting fit in 2011!
That leak is too stupid, even for "me". So it's obviously the right one.

General Dog
Apr 26, 2008

Everybody's working for the weekend
I can't believe they're actually teasing "Finn is Lando's son". I'm sure it won't actually be the case, but why would they even go there?

Dishwasher
Dec 5, 2006

Congratulations on not getting fit in 2011!

General Dog posted:

I can't believe they're actually teasing "Finn is Lando's son". I'm sure it won't actually be the case, but why would they even go there?

Right? Like, way to jump on the "Lando is the only black man in the entire loving universe" meme.

ALLAN LASSUS
May 11, 2007

apul.prof./ass.prof.
That’s like a full Star War worth of plot right there already but matches up with JJ’s total insanity I guess

Small Strange Bird
Sep 22, 2006

Merci, chaton!
Star Wars Episode IX: A Series Of MacGuffin Hunts.

That all sounds terrible, so it's probably accurate.

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
The fact that hes splitting this up into 3 parts screams "I'm making this up for attention" to me

Cross-Section
Mar 18, 2009

General Dog posted:

I can't believe they're actually teasing "Finn is Lando's son". I'm sure it won't actually be the case, but why would they even go there?

Because they're teasing a "Jannah is Lando's daughter" reveal instead

Everyone
Sep 6, 2019

by sebmojo

Dishwasher posted:

Right? Like, way to jump on the "Lando is the only black man in the entire loving universe" meme.

This makes me wish that my joke prediction of "Kylo Ren kills the Resistance and spends the rest of the movie struggling with chronic priapism" was true.

Flavius Aetass
Mar 30, 2011
Praying that they don't make a match out of Finn and Hannah, as if finally there's someone for the black guy to date

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Stairmaster
Jun 8, 2012

Flavius Aetass posted:

Praying that they don't make a match out of Finn and Hannah, as if finally there's someone for the black guy to date

why do you think they introduced that character in the first place

certainly cant have him kissing ray or poe

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