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my mom likes to go shopping and she enjoys getting a good deal, so she has no problems bartering. she also is pretty social and has no problems chatting up strangers anytime, anywhere when she's bored. the fact that i have anxiety over talking to strangers and conflict is something that she doesn't get, unsurprisingly. as to my parents, it's taken a lot of time to realize that what they've done to me was abusive and hosed me up. the only reason why i don't think they're complete narcissists is that they're aware that they've hosed up but not sure how and what to do to fix it (both a combination of them refusing to consider seeking help and the fact that if i/my sister try to talk about it to them, we're both crippled by severe anxiety about confronting them, our parents deflect all blame from themselves, or both!). there's also the fact that i can also see how they got to be where they are due to their own past - both of them grew up in communist china, came to the US in the 80s knowing little english, then became super successful, and believe that anyone else who isn't simply didn't try hard enough cause they did it. i know they didn't want my sister and i to go through what they did growing up and wanted to also treat us to things they never were able to have as kids, and there's the fact that i'm not actually my dad's biological daughter (their marriage is older than i am) but he's never treated me as anything else but his own, so i didn't really question that i was mixed race while everyone else was completely chinese until i was much older. he loves to boast about how well behaved and quiet my sister and i were when we were younger, but that's a mixture of him ignoring the times that we did act up, and the fact that they'd lock me in a closet/garage in the dark when i misbehaved and wouldn't let me out until i stopped crying (i was afraid of the dark as a toddler) or threaten to abandon me if i didn't live up to expectations (my mom actually pulled over into a parking lot late at night and tried to pull me out of the car while i hung on to the seat screaming a few times), which made me afraid to do anything that upset them. i didn't even realize that normal families don't do that until i brought it up with friends when i was in college when we were sharing about funny/crazy things our parents did when we were kids and i accidentally killed the conversation. i don't even think my parents realize how traumatized it left me. as for savings, my parents are actually much better off than my sister (who moved back home after college) or me (I refused to move back home after college). even if we can't take care of them when they're older, they'll probably be fine. in fact, my dad constantly likes reminding my sister and i that he makes our monthly salary in a day. i would be lying if i said i never thought about going NC, but i don't think i could do it or even afford to. i am seeing a therapist who's helping me deal with this along with my other issues so it's part of a ongoing process.
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Sep 26, 2019 23:40
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Miss posted:It's been 19 years and she's clearly still absolutely livid that her child drew that picture. lol she mad because she fat BIG PANTS!
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Sep 27, 2019 12:29
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Nuclearmonkee posted:Children automatically love their parents and you have to consistently and cruelly kill that over time by being a monstrous human being before your average person would just say "You know what, I'm absolutely better off if I just pretend my parent(s) are dead."
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Sep 27, 2019 14:44
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A couple weeks after no contact with my mom, she texted me how she wishes I would come over and see her new house, pretending I didn't just cut off contact with her. I don't respond. A couple weeks after that she texts me about her co-worker dying, and how at the funeral she thought how limited our time on Earth is. I don't respond. Yesterday she texts me that her little Dachshunds spine broke suddenly, and that she had to be put down. I responded because I felt like that was so horrible that I needed to. I'm not saying I think my mom hurt her dog to get me to break my no contact, but I think my mom hurt her dog to get me to break my no contact. I'm kidding about the last bit, I just feel weak for breaking the no contact thing and wanted to vent. Punkinhead fucked around with this message at 01:33 on Sep 29, 2019 |
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Sep 29, 2019 01:31
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PinheadSlim posted:A couple weeks after no contact with my mom, she texted me how she wishes I would come over and see her new house, pretending I didn't just cut off contact with her. I don't respond. 
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Sep 29, 2019 01:38
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PinheadSlim posted:A couple weeks after no contact with my mom, she texted me how she wishes I would come over and see her new house, pretending I didn't just cut off contact with her. I don't respond. At least in my case, finding the block button on my phone helped for staying uninvolved with this kind of nonsense. Trust your instincts. You'd know better than anyone. You're not weak for having abusive shortcuts hardwired in to your brain by your parents. You're a victim and you should seek only to protect yourself here.
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Sep 29, 2019 01:49
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That poor dog. 
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Sep 29, 2019 01:59
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I had an ex boyfriend murder his cat when I went NC to try to get me to talk to him because he knew I loved the cat and he neglected her like crazy. I was the only one who fed her/cleaned her box/gave her fresh water/cuddled her because he was too busy being drunk and trying to stick his dick in everything to take care of her. I’m sorry I couldn’t save Moshi but I’m not sorry I went NC and I’m not sorry I continued to stay NC.
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Sep 29, 2019 02:45
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MAKE NO BABBYS posted:I had an ex boyfriend murder his cat when I went NC to try to get me to talk to him because he knew I loved the cat and he neglected her like crazy. I was the only one who fed her/cleaned her box/gave her fresh water/cuddled her because he was too busy being drunk and trying to stick his dick in everything to take care of her. Haha do you think that if they never found a body anyone would go looking for him?
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Sep 29, 2019 16:49
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PinheadSlim posted:I'm not saying I think my mom hurt her dog to get me to break my no contact, but I think my mom hurt her dog to get me to break my no contact. Something I’ve learned a while back, and it’s helped me ever since - if somebody says they’re joking, then they’re actually being serious
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Sep 29, 2019 17:16
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LadyPictureShow posted:A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife Holy poo poo, this brings back a memory. A few months after I got married, my mom started acting really weird, like I was abandoning her or my wife was keeping me from her or something - she said as much in many, many conversations. It was the most bizarre, out of character thing my mom has ever done, and it went on for months. There was definitely nothing going on behind the scenes; My parents and the in-laws got equal time (maybe that was the "problem"), my wife wasn't manipulating me and I wasn't trying to break away from my parents. Eventually my wife and I sat down with my mom and talked for a long time, and that seemed to snap her out of it. 20 years on and she's probably a better daughter-in-law than I am a son, they love her, think she's a great mom, and everything is totally cool.  It was seriously the weirdest thing that's ever happened with my mom. My dad was chill, he was like "I don't know what's wrong with her." I'm glad it all worked out, but goddamn was that ever unsettling.
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Sep 29, 2019 18:02
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PinheadSlim posted:A couple weeks after no contact with my mom, she texted me how she wishes I would come over and see her new house, pretending I didn't just cut off contact with her. I don't respond. Also Dachshunds have loads of back problems so your mother was probably just exaggerating something that happened naturally. quote:Watching our friends granddaughter be so attentive to her Nana at her grandfather’s funeral brought out many emotions for me. My own granddaughter refuses to Dirac to me now almost a full year over a trivial misunderstanding. If she treats me like I’m dead when I’m alive there is no hope for me she would even attend her Papa’s funeral let alone be there for me. After reading how we manifest what we tell ourselves I’ve been trying really hard to convince myself that my children and grands do love me deep down. But I can’t fool myself anymore because it’s so obvious that they don’t have any time for me and gave forgotten all the wonderful times I’ve provided for them. I used to hold them accountable but now I feel myself giving up and slipping into loneliness and depression. Unfortunately for me I’ve surrounded myself with good people as my friends and so I am destined to continually hear all their wonderful stories and plans for family time. I put on a happy face but it’s getting harder and harder to pretend I am loved when I am not. I’ve been waiting for that walk and talk for months now with my daughter and she has gone back to just not replying to texts or invitations. She says all the right things like I’ll call next week to set a time then just doesn’t. My son has disappointed me by saying,” you’ve sabotaged all your relationships Mom”. In my day asking family to Thanksgiving g dinner was a happy positive thing to do- now we are hounding them by even asking them to eat with us. I best get back to the anger stage of grief because sadness isn’t working for me and I’ve been really ill for a month now. Thanks friends for listening it helps to vent to people who understand. quote:DIL had birthday in summer. Sent last card and a little cash i plan to ever send. Still trying to encourage communication. A couple of weeks later i get a thank you from a mental health group thanking me for my donation. (Background – DIL has accused me of being a bipolar monster and off my meds and the reason she won’t have anything to do with me and why our son is estranged from us. None of that is true. She “loved” me just fine until I said we didn’t have any money to give for something she wanted – after paying for their wedding and helping them buy their house, and I insisted no more money discussions by text. Talk to me by phone or in person about money. And suddenly I was a monster.) So I am assuming the DIL donated her birthday present to that group quote:I sent the ED age 40 w/new baby an email earlier today, asking if she would consider family counseling sessions in order that we could put what’s happened in the past behind us. quote:Last night I saw an extraordinary story on TV. In a nutshell, it started with a woman, now grown and with a family of her own, who was found in a paper bag when she was only a newborn, abandoned. She was eventually adopted and had a great childhood but always wanted to find her birth mother. She went to a forensic genetics investigator who thru DNA data bases and research found two matches – a brother and a sister. Who also both had been abandoned right after birth in paper bags, the umbilical cord still attached, one on someone’s porch, the other in front of a convenience store, covered only by a towel, both on very cold winter mornings- they could have easily died. Fortunately they all were adopted by good people and had good lives. The siblings were reunited and overjoyed to have found each other. Then they found their mother, who agreed to meet them at her house. eta: Also there is this woman getting the forum to do the job of soothing her anxiety for her quote:I’m very sad and also panicked. This site has been a refuge and a lifesaver for me. In the past week I’ve tried to post 3 differentt times and none of them showed up. Am I banned? Are people sick of my sob story? I’m very upset and imagining the worst. Can you please let me know what the situation is? trickybiscuits fucked around with this message at 21:47 on Sep 29, 2019 |
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Sep 29, 2019 19:39
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Sorry about the dog. It's okay to slip up sometimes as long as it ends up bolstering your resolve to not slip again (and you don't make a habit of it). This sounds more judgmental than I intend.
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Sep 29, 2019 22:59
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SHY NUDIST GRRL posted:They don't actually feel gratitude or anything else like that. It's why they need physical thank yous and other such chores of gratitude and deference. They think family is a tit for tat preform of favors. And they gave their children so much. Imagine all they could spend on themselves if they didn't have to feed and cloth the brats This. If you want to know what goes on in their heads just imagine a giant scoreboard. Also I just had a memory come back to me. I was like 7 or 8 and my sister tried to leave the house to go to a friend's and my dad grabbed her and tried to literally drag her back to our house. I remember telling my mom what happened and her saying "well you just thought it was worse than it was because you're little." I can only imagine what my sister must have thought about me. She probably thinks I didn't tell the truth to protect my dad Anyone else have an almost non-existent relationship with your siblings and you suspect it's because your parent sabotages that relationship?
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Sep 29, 2019 23:20
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Ebola Roulette posted:Anyone else have an almost non-existent relationship with your siblings and you suspect it's because your parent sabotages that relationship? While I did have parents who tried that poo poo, I attribute having said sibling as part of the reason we both made it out relatively sane. At the end of the day, we each had someone to look at and ask, "It's them and not us, right?" And that made a world of difference. Still, there's no sense in beating yourself up over not being able to do anything in a situation where you were a literal child still dependent on the people who were manipulating and gaslighting you.
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Sep 30, 2019 01:35
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I just noticed another theme to these stories. It is the "this is the last gift I plan on giving, (even though the last 10 gifts I have given were unrequested or returned). Why don't they appreciate my gifts, or respond to my threats of never sending them unwanted poo poo again?" I think it is a way for them to keep the moral high ground, (in their heads). Insomuch that it's a "even though my Estranged Child is causing me such pain, I am such a Good Person(tm) that I will still keep giving of myself", also, (and I suppose this is probably obvious to people who have parents like this), it is a way of them intruding and forcing their unwanted presence in the kids lives whilst providing them with the facade of kindness, (it's agift, who would be mad at a gift? only an ungrateful spiteful Estranged Child, that's who!).
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Sep 30, 2019 01:53
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It's also, for many of them, a tool for controlling their kids that stopped working the second they moved out/became adults. They don't understand why, and I'm loving it.
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Sep 30, 2019 01:58
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Hostile V posted:
Don't worry it sounds great, and everyones replies including this one made me feel a lot better. trickybiscuits posted:Also Dachshunds have loads of back problems so your mother was probably just exaggerating something that happened naturally. Yeah we all knew it was an eventuality, I warned her about it when she got the dog. But I just thought it would take more than 4-5 years for it to happen. Ziv Zulander posted:Something I’ve learned a while back, and it’s helped me ever since - if somebody says they’re joking, then they’re actually being serious 
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Sep 30, 2019 02:04
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trickybiscuits posted:
That is such an odd turn of phrase. "Wonderful times I've provided for them". Not wonderful times we had together. Apparently moms can be "nice guys" too. Insert kindness tokens -> receive love.
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Sep 30, 2019 02:23
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Every once in a while I forget what thread I'm in and what ED stands for here and wonder why everyone is so upset over eating disorders. Made it all the way to the end of the blurb about being asked about her ED over Thanksgiving and getting mad someone was so intrusive then had to re-read it in proper context. Oof.
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Sep 30, 2019 02:28
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That is such an odd turn of phrase. "Wonderful times I've provided for them". Not wonderful times we had together. Apparently moms can be "nice guys" too. Insert kindness tokens -> receive love. [/quote] Where do you think people get the idea of transactional relationships from?
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Sep 30, 2019 02:28
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That70sHeidi posted:Every once in a while I forget what thread I'm in and what ED stands for here and wonder why everyone is so upset over eating disorders. Made it all the way to the end of the blurb about being asked about her ED over Thanksgiving and getting mad someone was so intrusive then had to re-read it in proper context. Oof. At least you didn't read it as erectile dysfunction!
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Sep 30, 2019 03:39
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Miss posted:It's been 19 years and she's clearly still absolutely livid that her child drew that picture. I bought my mom a box of chocolates one Christmas like 13 years ago and she's still mad about it because 1. I was obviously trying to secretly tell her she was fat 2. Chocolates are what you get for your boss who you hate And I mean, she likes chocolate. A lot. She hates clutter so she doesn't want stuff. So I thought a big expensive box of gourmet chocolate would be a good idea but apparently not. Oh well, I don't have to worry about getting her anything she won't find offensive anymore
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Sep 30, 2019 23:50
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Picnic Princess posted:I bought my mom a box of chocolates one Christmas like 13 years ago and she's still mad about it because I'm so sorry. This reminds me of when my mom got my fiancee a bag of two year old expired pasta. We only discovered it was old when we tried to cook it. Because that's actually a bad gift, unlike perfectly good chocolate. We still wonder what she was thinking. No she doesn't drink, before you ask lol. Quick edit : After posting this I may realize it's because my fiancee is Jewish and I only recently found out my mom's an anti-semite. gently caress Punkinhead fucked around with this message at 23:59 on Sep 30, 2019 |
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Sep 30, 2019 23:57
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Whats the connection between pasta and antisemitism? Or just like, it was a bad gift just to be a dick?
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Oct 1, 2019 00:30
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kru posted:Whats the connection between pasta and antisemitism? Or just like, it was a bad gift just to be a dick? Pasta-over it's use by date of course. (I think it's actually just general dickishness)
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Oct 1, 2019 00:58
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PinheadSlim posted:I'm so sorry. This reminds me of when my mom got my fiancee a bag of two year old expired pasta. We only discovered it was old when we tried to cook it. Because that's actually a bad gift, unlike perfectly good chocolate. We still wonder what she was thinking. No she doesn't drink, before you ask lol. Veering off topic here a bit, but that seems like a very hoarder thing to do. Give a gift that they've held onto for years, and they have actually attached value to it, despite it being literal trash. It's a terrible gift, no matter what. Bet she'd be insulted and throw a shitfit if you complained about it too.
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Oct 1, 2019 01:15
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AuntBuck posted:Veering off topic here a bit, but that seems like a very hoarder thing to do. Give a gift that they've held onto for years, and they have actually attached value to it, despite it being literal trash. It's a terrible gift, no matter what. Bet she'd be insulted and throw a shitfit if you complained about it too. We used to be really poor so that could be it. She doesn't have any other hoarder tendencies that I know of, but I desperately want to believe my mother isn't a 0/10 garbage person so I'll take it
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Oct 1, 2019 01:17
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PinheadSlim posted:We used to be really poor so that could be it. She doesn't have any other hoarder tendencies that I know of, but I desperately want to believe my mother isn't a 0/10 garbage person so I'll take it That could definitely be it. She may not have realized how old it was. I know a lot of Depression survivors hoarded food and supplies, but weren't really traditional mentally ill hoarders. It's just a mindset they had.
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Oct 1, 2019 01:20
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AuntBuck posted:That could definitely be it. She may not have realized how old it was. I know a lot of Depression survivors hoarded food and supplies, but weren't really traditional mentally ill hoarders. It's just a mindset they had.
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Oct 1, 2019 04:13
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trickybiscuits posted:crazy tv movie story. cant wait to see her reaction to sextuplets.
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Oct 1, 2019 22:11
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Having lots of little plastic containers is actually useful if you have an actual hobby and can store various specific bits and bobs in them.
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Oct 2, 2019 08:05
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Pasta goes bad in just two years?
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Oct 2, 2019 08:48
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Scarodactyl posted:Pasta goes bad in just two years? Depends on what kind and how it's stored It might be just fine, or it might taste kind of stale. It won't make you sick in any case, unless it's growing mold. Anyway, you shouldn't give food past its expiration date as a gift unless the people you're giving them to are freegan types.
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Oct 2, 2019 08:55
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I remember one time I could hear my mom screaming in agony when she got her finger stuck in a folding metal bedframe in the living room, but was too disciplined listening to whatever inane diatribe my dad was giving me and my younger brother to even speak up. Still feel really guilty about it. I can remember the exact pitch of her voice. Ben didn't hear poo poo. I don't think he even processed what had occured. I'm glad he loving shot himself
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Oct 2, 2019 09:19
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My ex bf's family was his first generation Italian Father and second generation Italian Mother, himself, and his idiot younger brother. Younger brother got drunk underage once and totaled on his bicycle, knocking out all his front teeth, which they let him keep broken for a while as punishment I guess before they paid to fix them. Then one time, my favorite pull over sweater from a music festival went missing for months until the brother comes home one day and starts heading up the stairs. I recognized that he was wearing my godamn sweater probably stolen from his brother's room, which I promptly made him halt and take off immediately. Many washes later... His dad apparently used to not be such a huge rear end in a top hat but hurt his back at work many years ago and that or the pills turned him into a rageaholic where no school friends were ever allowed over and my ex had to come home from school immediately every day to basically sit in the dark as a latchkey kid while the younger brother was driven around by the mom to various after school activities and learning disability therapies. My ex in middle school caught bad pneumonia and they wouldn't take his word for it how sick he was until he passed out on the street on the way to school one morning and was found by his grandfather who happened to be driving by sometime later. Even then, they probably thought he was milking it for attention. His parents were screamers. I wasn't raised in an environment like that, so it was very awkward to sit downstairs after they summoned the ex upstairs to berate him about petty poo poo for at least a half hour to an hour at a time. Didn't matter if there were guests over, this poo poo had to be 'resolved' at the top of their lungs right. now. As a kid, the father had also broken a guitar over the ex's head once, and broken his arm during a tussle. Such a household turned my ex into a very controlling bf who wanted to dress me like an audrey hepburn knockoff and always wear a belt with every dress. He yelled at me for thirty minutes once for getting the wrong brand of mushroom soup for a recipe. He would plan out our upcoming weekly meals and exercise plans but then himself give up a few days later only to get worked up again about 'healthier lifestyles' and make new detailed plans that we were never going to follow through with. These reasons are crucial as to why I had an abortion, I was not going to deal with those people for at least 18 years, hell to the no.
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Oct 2, 2019 13:19
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Arsenic Lupin posted:I cleaned out my parents' house this spring. So drat many ketchup packages, and saved plastic containers, and ... you get the general idea. Once you haven't had enough, you're cautious. My wife does this same thing due to being a poor once. I have a drawer in the kitchen filled with packets of ketchup, soy sauce, salt etc because the compromise was "ok gently caress, just one drawer of this poo poo please" She also rationalizes it with it being stupid and wasteful to throw that poo poo into a landfill or whatever without at least using it first. She also carries a set of plastic spoons and stuff in her purse so if we take the kids out for ice cream or whatever she doesn't have to use another plastic thing. So I guess the intent can be turned to good if it's not just building a dragons hoard of random plastic poo poo you will never use. Basically all of our plastic food related things are reused from someplace or another.
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Oct 2, 2019 22:24
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Nuclearmonkee posted:My wife does this same thing due to being a poor once. I have a drawer in the kitchen filled with packets of ketchup, soy sauce, salt etc because the compromise was "ok gently caress, just one drawer of this poo poo please" I keep a bunch of plastic cutlery in my kitchen because it's perfect for certain things and I can't stand throwing away useful stuff. I actually think in many case plastic forks and such are better than the heavier metal ones. Also at work I clean and reuse my stirrers and plastic cutlery so that I don't waste new ones every single day when I get my coffee and bagel. Honestly the world would be a better place if more people had a shred of shame for their over-consumption and wasteful habits, so I think overall that's a good thing and one of the positive traits that some boomers have
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Oct 2, 2019 23:41
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quote:Don’t know if anyone else has had similar experiences, but I think a big part of why my ED cut herself off from any direct contact with us (going on 5 years or so) has a lot to do with how she feels about how we have dealt with her two siblings (brothers), and in comparison to how we dealt with her when she was a child. We have two adult sons who have neurological conditions that affect them mainly psychologically; they both struggled in school, neither one is working and they both still live with us (myself and my husband.) Over the years we’ve gotten a lot of negative feedback about our parenting decisions from relatives, teachers and neighbors at times. I think our ED couldn’t help being affected deeply by this, and felt resentful over our expectations of her compared to our expectations of her brothers. She had her issues as a child too, and to a great extent our attention was directed more to the issues and problems her brothers had. She is also the middle child, and I think that played a part too. Also, she has tried hard to have a “normal” social life, had more friends than her brothers, and is our only child who got married; and her husband and his family had similar negative feelings about our two sons and how we have dealt with them. She is currently divorced. eta: It's interesting to read about other people's hoarding, I'm pretty hoarder-y myself and don't really know where the line is between having an actual psychiatric problem and just reacting to having been in bad circumstances. Boomers don't seem to be the generation that really reuses things though. Anyone who was alive in the 1930s would be at least 70 now. With the Boomers the thing I keep thinking of is the scene in Mad Men when the family goes out for a picnic and just leaves all their garbage at the side of the road when they're done- they had so much that they could just throw things away and buy more. A former roommate of mine left a kitchen drawer full of sweet and sour sauce packets when she moved out and I think that's kind of like junk mail- it just comes automatically and most of the time you don't have the time or energy to deal with it so it just gets bigger and bigger. I just tell restaurants not to give me condiment packets I won't use. That seems to help. trickybiscuits fucked around with this message at 00:36 on Oct 3, 2019 |
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Oct 3, 2019 00:23
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trickybiscuits posted:
Is this so there's no concrete evidence of what anyone says, and the parent can then rewrite how the discussion went in their head based on how they felt about it? Learning to read between the lines on these is a trip.
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Oct 3, 2019 07:30
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